DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is the second question I have submitted and I just wanted to thank you for your answer on my first one a few years ago.

I have been dating a girl for about a month that I met in one of my classes in college. To sum up the story before I get to the meat of my question, we immediately clicked and quickly became very good friends and right before the end of the school year (early May) we both realized that we wanted to be with each other as more than friends. Now, we have been through a LOT together and it has brought us very close, both as friends before and as boyfriend and girlfriend now. However, there are a couple of key issues that I want to unpack and get your advice on, including something that I unfortunately believe will be a dealbreaker.

In essence, she is a strong Catholic and I am not. Naturally, this means that she wants to wait for marriage until any sex. A key problem, however, is that she kind of flip flops on this with me – one day it is very clear and the next day she is sending me reels about what she wants to do with me or talking about how much she wants that with me, so clearly she has an internal conflict on this. Part of this has to do with ADHD, which makes her more impulsive and (in her own words) sometimes makes her value her strong sex drive more than her values and beliefs. Another key problem is that ultimately, sex is a very important part of a relationship for me, and I seriously wonder if I am going to be fulfilled long-term in this relationship. I also wonder about how these dynamics will work when we are not long-distance (which we are for the summer), Lastly, she was sexually active with her ex, and she is open with me about that. While that does not change the obvious fact that she has the right to set whatever boundaries that she wants around sex, I cannot deny that makes me feel a burning sense of jealousy when I consider the future of this relationship – this is not the kind of jealousy that goes away easily, either – it eats away at me. This is probably unhealthy on my part, but I cannot deny it is there.

However… we LOVE each other. When I say love, we bring out the best in each other. A lot of what makes her great is based on her strong faith, which makes her incredibly caring and compassionate with me. She encourages me to open up to her and then actually listens, and has seen me cry multiple times. She has even said something to the effect of even if I was incredibly poor, she would still love me, and I have no reason to doubt the sincerity of that statement. I am worried that if I break up with her, I will ruin my chance at a girl who truly loves me and values me for who I am as she so obviously does – I am not necessarily worried about finding another girlfriend, and I am especially not too worried about finding one who shares views more compatible with mine on sex before marriage, but I feel like the bond between us is rare. I also truly love her, and feel the exact same way that she does, which would make breaking up with her unbelievably painful. 

I am also worried that, based on her impulsivity, she would guarantee me sex in exchange for staying with me, but I am not going to accept that under any circumstances because no one should have to change who they are or violate their core values to stay with me, and I ultimately would not be happy with sex if that was the reason we were having it either. I ultimately want the best for her and I will go to my grave caring about her whether we are together or not, but a breakup will be unbelievably hard given what I just outlined.

I am in desperate need of advice on this situation and whether I should try to make it work or find someone else.

Sorry for the long question and thank you so much for reading,

Knife in my Heart

DEAR KNIFE IN MY HEART: Ok, before I dig into the meat of your issue, I need to say this: your girlfriend, as amazing as she is, is not the only person who could love or care for you like this, nor is she the only person who would make you feel this way.

I want you to understand that I’m saying this without saying that your relationship is doomed or that you need to leave her because there’re other women out there. This is just incipient Oneitis. I just want you to understand that this isn’t the only woman who you could ever love, who could ever make you feel this way or would be this amazing. That sort of thinking is a trap, and it leads to a lot of folks staying in relationships that they should leave. It also causes folks to get hung up on one single person and missing out on others who would be just as incredible, if not more.

The second thing I want to emphasize is that you can love someone to pieces, but still have a relationship that simply isn’t going to work for the two of you. Unfortunately, love isn’t rational, nor is it a guarantee of compatibility. People can love each other to distraction, but not be a good fit for one another as romantic partners; despite what all the poets and musicians have told us, love doesn’t conquer all, nor does it overcome all obstacles. Conflicts in lifestyle, values or just the direction their lives are going in can still prevent couples who are madly in love from having a successful relationship. Some people simply won’t work as lovers, no matter how much they wish they did; they may be amazing, life-long friends, but they simply won’t mesh in the ways they need to be romantic partners. It sucks and it’s unfair, but it’s like the song says: sometimes love just ain’t enough.

The third thing I want you to understand is that it’s entirely reasonable to want sex in general and to want physical and sexual intimacy with your partner, specifically. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with sex being a priority in your relationship and feeling frustrated when you and your partner seem to be on different pages on the matter. It’s also understandable that you feel pings of envy over the matter. It can become a problem if you can’t resolve that envy, and you have to be careful about how you respond to that feeling, but it’s a perfectly normal and human feeling.

Sex and sexual compatibility is an incredibly important part of a long-term relationship. If you don’t make sexual compatibility a priority in your relationship, you’ve started a ticking timebomb that will go off eventually. And to be clear: sexual compatibility doesn’t just mean “we both want to have lots of sex” or “we’re both kinky and non-monogamous”, it also means “we’re on the same page about wanting to wait” or “sex ISN’T a priority for us”.

This is why it’s perfectly fine that sex and sexual intimacy is a deal breaker. It becomes an issue if one person is pushing the other in a direction they’re not comfortable with – whether that’s to have sex before they’re ready or to insist that sex isn’t going to be a priority or a significant part of their connection (often while demanding strict monogamy). But wanting a sexual component to the relationship (or not wanting it) isn’t bad in and of itself, nor is ending a relationship over it.

Now, everyone can have their opinions about other people’s deal breakers – I personally thinking that waiting until marriage is a foolish idea – but they don’t get a vote. But if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, then you two need to make sure you’re both on the same page about what you expect and that you both respect that agreement.

This is why it’s a little troubling that your girlfriend is blowing hot and cold. Teasing you, intentionally or not, by talking about things she wants to do but won’t yet isn’t cool. Not, at least, unless that sort of edging/denial play is something you’ve both agreed to, and to be perfectly blunt, a years-long edging just seems like it’s far too much.

I don’t think she’s being deliberately cruel, don’t get me wrong, but I do think that this behavior isn’t cool. I suspect your girlfriend is having her own internal conflicts that she needs to resolve, and I think she’s not taking it as seriously as she should. I have a lot of sympathy for my neurospicy bretheren, sisteren and theytherin but I don’t buy “some days I’m so distracted and horny that I forget I’m Catholic” is attributable to having ADHD. That, to me, sounds like a rationalization at best and an excuse to not look too closely at the matter at worst – and to not have to deal with how it affects the people around her.  

What you need to do right now is talk to your girlfriend and figure out where her head is at. You and she need to have an Awkward Conversation – possibly a series of them – where you both lay out what’s going on, why, and how it’s making you feel. This is going to be a particularly thorny discussion (or series of discussions), so you both will want to follow the Awkward Conversation formula very closely.

Set aside time specifically to have this conversation, so that you won’t be distracted or interrupted. This isn’t going to be a dialogue at first, but rather a download – you’re going to present your side of things, then she’s going to present hers and then you discuss how to resolve them. Start by making it clear that you’re not bringing this up in order to change her mind or pressure her into sex, nor is it to say “do this or we’re breaking up”; the point is that you want to ensure that you two understand each other’s positions, how each of you are feeling about things and why, and how the other’s actions or behaviors are making you feel. Just as importantly: neither you or she should ask questions, interrupt or interject until the other has finished saying their piece. The last thing you want is to inadvertently get derailed by trying to clarify things or a knee-jerk desire to defend your position or correct a mistaken impression. Get to the end of what you have to say and then they can ask questions.

When you start, begin with making it clear that you love her and what you have, but that the sex issue is causing problems – essentially the worries that you lay out in your letter. Stick to “I” statements and “I feel”; you’re talking about your feelings, not accusing her or saying “You are doing this to me and that’s bad.” Explain how confused and frustrated her flip-flopping is making you and how that makes it difficult for you. Tell her that you are having a hard time understanding what’s going on with her and how that affects you and your relationship with her. Let her know that you want to understand her thinking and rationale for both her deciding to wait, and for her bringing up the things she wants to do. If you have suggestions for a compromise or a way to resolve the issue, share those and explain how you think this will make things better for the both of you. Just as importantly, explain that you don’t want her to compromise her values to stay with you; you want to make sure you both understand one another and ideally to resolve this in a way that works for both of you.

Then, allow her to ask questions and clarify points. At which point, it’s her turn to share her side of things. Just as with her, sit quietly and listen to what she has to say, even if you think she’s incorrect about something you said, think or feel. It’ll be hard, I know. Just remember: this is about clearing the air and reaching understanding. She didn’t interrupt you, so don’t interrupt her until she says she’s ready for you to ask questions. Then you can ask what you need to ask or say “I think you misunderstood me when I said X”.

Now a tricky part will be discussing her having been sexually active with her ex. As I said: the envy is understandable, but what she did with one partner doesn’t mean she’s obligated to do it with all future partners. I know you agree that she’s allowed to draw boundaries where she chooses, but that can still be a tight needle to thread when having a discussion like this. It can be very hard to talk about without coming across as though you feel that she “owes” it to you, intentionally or otherwise. I think it’s fair to say “I feel envious of your past boyfriends”, but it may be better to leave that part out for the sake of dealing with the issue at hand.

Once you’ve both had your say, it’ll be time to decide what to do next. This is where it will be hard. This is going to be an area where staying together is going to require compromise, and – jokes about “God’s Little Loophole” aside – it’s one where someone is going to have to give to make things work. This may mean that you have to be willing to accept that intercourse isn’t going to be part of your relationship until later, or it may mean that she’s going to have to decide how firmly she’s going to stick to her desire to wait until marriage.

Or it may mean that you are going to have to agree that this isn’t going to work. As much as it may hurt and as much as it may suck, there simply may not be a way forward for the two of you that won’t be too high a burden for the other to bear. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s a possibility you have to be ready to accept. Sometimes there simply isn’t a compromise that the other person is willing or able to accept and still be happy. In cases like that, no matter who’s doing the sacrificing, there comes a point where that compromise becomes a stone in their shoe, a constant discomfort that only grows over in time until they can’t stand it any longer.

If that happens… well, unfortunately, that’s the end of things for now. Because here’s the thing: sometimes the issue isn’t that you and your partner aren’t right for one another, it’s that you’re not right for each other right now. Two people may not be suited for one another in the present, but will be later on in life, when they’ve both had time to grow and learn. And to be clear: that’s not a guarantee that you two would be able to come back together in the future. It’s just an acknowledgement that “goodbye” doesn’t mean forever. You can both still be in each other’s lives, even important people in one another’s lives and agree that in the future, if you’re single and she’s single, the two of you can circle back around and see how things have changed.

At the same time, you can’t put your life on hold in hopes that this will happen. If you break up, you both have to actually honor the break up and be willing to move on and see other people without keeping one foot out the door just in case. All that does is hold back your own growth while also hurting the people who are trying to have a relationship with you in good faith.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, and I’m sorry for that. Sometimes there simply aren’t any good or clean-cut answers that get you exactly what you want; many times, the only solutions are messy, complicated and occasionally painful. But that pain doesn’t mean that this is the end for the two of you. This part of your story may come to an end, but a new chapter begins. The relationship you have with her won’t be the same as the one you have now, but that’s not a bad thing; it will just be a new one.

Talk things out with her and make sure you both understand where each other stands. That’ll help make sure that you two make a decision that’s right for the both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a single man, how do I get past the idea that we are disliked and of low social value? I’m getting constant reinforcement of the idea that my presence as single man is unwanted and single men generally offer nothing of value.

For example:

– the term ‘sausage fest’ has negative connotations – whilst female-majority social events have a positive perception

– dating apps are 70-75% men – leaving women as the choosers whilst men fight over scraps

– men are often not even allowed into popular bars and clubs without female company – whilst women are often rushed to the front of the line and invited in because they add value to the venue

– many meetup.com events seem to be 75% male – whilst women often host “women only” events so that they can make friends with each other without men annoying them

Everything I see makes single women feel like a sought-after commodity but single men are like annoying flies buzzing around them.

How can I rid myself of this mindset, or do I have to accept that it is true and that I have no choice but to try and overcome this disadvantage?

Solitary And Disposable

DEAR SOLITARY AND DISPOSABLE: Well, I guess I should be glad that this isn’t more complaining about “d--k is abundant and of low value…”

There’s a word here that’s vitally important, SAD – one that will explain precisely what all of these examples are actually talking about and which will hopefully help you recognize the problem with your mindset and how to overcome it.

And that word is “context”.

Taken entirely by themselves, these statements and examples seem pretty bad! It’s not that hard to see how you could see this as being a commentary on the social and societal value of men, especially single men. But the issue here is that you’re missing the actual context in which all of these statements are made or these examples occur. None of them happen in a vacuum after all, and the context surrounding them explains quite a bit.

At least, if you’re not starting from a place where you’re describing how you feel about yourself and aren’t working backwards from there in order to justify it and “prove” its validity – a cognitive bias known as “confirmation bias”.

One example of an important lack of context is that the examples you mention all involve men who sleep with women; gay men aren’t having the same experiences you describe. In fact, that context is pretty important to all of your examples, so let’s keep that in mind as we go through them.

Let’s start from the top: why is a “sausage party” (an event where the majority of attendees, if not all of them, are men) bad, but an event where the majority or total of attendees are women is good? Well, this is where context comes in. And in this case, the context is that the person referring to a “sausage party” or “sausage fest” is complaining that there are no or very few women at the party for them to flirt with or hit on. In other words: it’s “bad” because the person who’s calling the event a “sausage party” is upset that they don’t have a plethora of people they want to f--k, who might be willing to f--k them.

This is where context makes a difference. If, for example, you were hosting a birthday party or some other event where you invited your close friends, and most – if not all – of your close friends happen to be male, you would hardly be complaining about it being a sausage party. After all, you’re getting precisely what you wanted: to celebrate with your friends. Similarly, a gay or bisexual man at an event that’s mostly full of other men isn’t going to be axiomatically seeing this as a bad thing.

(Also, a similar situation of lots of straight women hoping to flirt with guys and no available men would be called a clam shack.)

Other examples, however, are matters of commerce and capitalism. Men are allowed into clubs (with certain exceptions, which I will get to in a second) without female accompaniment. However, it’s often easier to get into clubs or skip the line if you (the hypothetical male in this scenario) are bringing women with you. 

Why? Simple: if there’re very few women in the club, men tend to not stay as long, which means they aren’t buying drinks or otherwise spending money. And if the club develops a reputation for being the aforementioned “sausage party”, then more people will stay away, causing further financial harm to the club. The club is, after all, a business, and like many businesses in the hospitality and entertainment industry, they tend to run on razor-thin margins. A club that has an abundant female clientele most nights is a club that’s going to have a lot more people who want to come and drink, dance and have a good time. So, it’s in the club’s financial interest to encourage women to come – by having reduced door fees, offering discounted drink prices to women on certain nights and other inducements.

Now, there are clubs where men aren’t allowed in without being accompanied by at least one woman: sex clubs and swingers parties. This is, once again, a matter of capitalism and – more importantly – a matter of comfort and feeling of safety. People, including straight, single men, are coming to sex clubs for sexual activity. If there are few women at the party, there are far fewer opportunities for men to have sex. This means men stop attending.

More importantly, however, when there are lots of men and only a small number of women in a sexually charged environment, the women are not going to feel as safe and secure as they would in a similar environment where there are equal numbers of men and women or more women than men. If women don’t feel safe attending those clubs or parties or they feel like they’re going to get harassed (or worse) by the hornt up male attendees, women are going to stop coming at all and the parties and clubs die.

The dating apps and MeetUp groups you mention, however, have a related – but slightly different – angle.

A part of the reason why there are more men than women on dating apps, for example, is because men tend to be earlier adopters of tech and gadgets, including computers, the Internet and smartphones. This is a sociological and somewhat cyclical phenomenon (tech advertises to men more than to women because of the perception that men are earlier adopters than women, so men tend to be more likely to adopt tech earlier, which causes tech to advertise to men more often and so on…) that began in no small part because companies made the conscious choice to target male audiences as their primary market. We saw this in the games industry starting in the late 80s, for example.

However, another, more important aspect that gets overlooked whenever these complaints crop up, is that women tend to join dating apps and then leave soon after. Why? Because of the experiences they have when they sign in – they’re bombarded with low-effort messages from people who are shotgunning their attention in order to maximize opportunities, insulted and harassed by others and generally have horrible experiences. Part of the raison d’être of Bumble was, in part, to make a space where women were less likely to have a horrific experience while trying to find a date.

It hasn’t worked, but that was the whole point of Bumble.

The same goes for MeetUps – as well as yoga classes, dance classes and other events; there are a large number of men who show up and treat the event like a sex ATM. Yoga or learning how to samba or even just meeting fellow LEGO aficionados isn’t as fun when there are dudes who are cruising the event like horny sharks, hitting on everyone like they’re in the club and generally ruining the vibe. It’s hard to enjoy your yoga practice when some dudebro is clearly only there to try to pick up chicks and won’t stop ogling women in their workout clothes or making obvious and very tired jokes about downward dog or cat pose or salutes to the sun.

It’s the same as why Japan instituted “women only” cars on their subways – because sexual harassment, groping, taking non-consensual photos of women and so on were becoming an epidemic.

Now, if you’re paying attention, you may notice an important pattern here: the reason for pretty much all of these involves male behavior around women. This isn’t a case of single men being seen as being socially worth less, it’s a case of a whole lotta dudes who don’t know how to act right f--king up the party for everyone else. You’re correct in that single women are treated by men like a precious commodity – with the emphasis on commodity. As in “things to be consumed”, rather than as people. And, not surprisingly, women don’t appreciate being viewed this way – by anyone in general, but especially by people who are supposedly interested in dating them.

I mean, dude. You refer to the women on dating apps who haven’t found a partner and left the site as scraps. As in left over food, the remains that other people didn’t want or didn’t finish. I understand you were going for a particular turn of phrase to describe the feeling but do you see how that’s a part of the problem?

All the things that you describe as being signs of men (because it’s not just single men that do this) being worthless are the result of said men acting aggressively and often inappropriately towards women, and women not appreciating being treated this way. Women, not unreasonably preferring not to have to navigate a gauntlet of guys who act like d--kbags, will end up prioritizing events and environments that actively discourage this sort of behavior, and may well prefer to attend some events where this sort of behavior is impossible simply because there aren’t any men.

This is about men, in as much as that it’s male behavior that is the source of so many of these attitudes and outcomes, and it’s this sort of male behavior that makes people feel uncomfortable enough to have to compensate for it. It has nothing to do with being single – again, because this sort of behavior isn’t limited to single men – and it has nothing to do with relative social value compared to women.

Except, that is, in as much in how men view women versus how they view men. Such as the idea that a party or event full of men getting described in derogatory terms by other men.

Now, maybe you’re not like one of the guys who act like this and create the environments that make women feel unsafe and unwelcome… poor choice of words aside. And if so, then great! You should keep on being someone who doesn’t act like that. But that doesn’t change the fact that lots of guys do act like this and encourage other men to act like this, despite the fact that it actively harms everyone involved – women and men alike. This is precisely why that sort of behavior among men is called “toxic masculinity”; it’s not that being a man is inherently toxic, it’s these are behaviors and attitudes in men or are coded as being masculine that cause demonstrable harm to individuals and society as a whole.

Just as importantly, however, is that you don’t seem to have noticed precisely who it is that encourages single men to feel bad for being single – and it isn’t women. Women aren’t going around telling men they’re losers for being virgins or for not having girlfriends or not having had enough sex. That’s primarily coming from other men. It’s part and parcel of how men are encouraged to treat one another – to treat other men as competition, to enhance their own social status at the expense of others and to reinforce these sorts of behaviors by punishing people who deviate from them. This is how “simp”, for example, went from describing someone who debases themselves for the sake of someone who doesn’t know or care about them, to mean a guy who doesn’t act like a hormonal d--k monster to women, why “cuck” gets tossed around at other men like beads from a Mardi Gras float and why “bitch” refers to supposedly “weak” or “effeminate” men.  

And to forestall the inevitable and obvious: yes, there’re women who will do this. Women are capable of perpetuating toxic ideas about manhood, male values and male behavior. They are, however, dwarfed by orders of magnitude by men and are following men’s lead in this.

The problem here is that you’re treating this as something being done to you, rather than being the result of a societal encouragement of behaviors that end up causing problems for everyone. This is taking how you feel about being single – that being single says anything about you in and of itself beyond “isn’t currently in a relationship” – and externalizing it and justifying it with incredibly shallow reasoning that doesn’t stand up under basic scrutiny.

So my advice for learning to let go of this mindset is to start recognizing it for what it is – how you feel about yourself – and work outwards from there. Part of it is going to be to learn to love your life and to embrace your inherent value instead of seeing it as being contingent on other people.

Another part is going to be to stop listening to people who tell you that being single is a mark of anything outside of “I’m not currently in a relationship”. People can be single because they’re s--tty people, sure. People can also be single by choice, because their partner died, because they’re not in a position to date anyone, because they have other priorities or even because of pure bad luck. People who encourage you to see yourself as being worth less based on whether you’re dating someone are people who want you to feel this way – often because it benefits them in some way or they’re trying to leverage your feelings as a way of selling you things.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This keeps happening and I genuinely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

I tend to click with women who are sweet but haven’t had a lot of attention. They’re usually a little insecure, maybe on the heavier side, maybe not used to someone actually showing up for them. I make them feel good about themselves — I notice things about them that most people overlook. I put in effort, I give them compliments, I listen, I make them feel wanted.

They always respond so strongly to that. They light up. They open up. They tell me I make them feel seen. And I like that connection at first. It’s intense, but in a good way. We’ll spend time together, hook up, talk late into the night. But after a while, it shifts. They start needing more from me—texts all day, constant reassurance, deeper conversations I’m not always in the mood for. I start feeling boxed in.

By that point, I’m usually losing interest anyway. Sometimes I meet someone new, someone fresh, more exciting. And yeah, I’ll act on that. I usually break things off with full transparency.

What I don’t get is why it always becomes this huge betrayal. I never told them we were exclusive. I didn’t make promises. I just treated them well and connected with them, and now I’m being accused of leading them on or using them. They’ll say I made them feel special “just to take it away,” or that I “knew what I was doing,” like I had some evil plan. All I did was lose interest and move on.

When I try to explain, I get accused of being manipulative. I am always honest about what I want and let them know that they’re projecting things on to me that I have never agreed to. But they always twist that into me “messing with their heads” or “blaming them for being hurt.” One even said I made her feel crazy for having feelings, which — how is that my fault?

I don’t yell. I don’t lie. I just try to be calm and remind them what we actually said to each other. But somehow I end up being the villain because I didn’t feel the same intensity forever.

At this point I’m wondering—is there something about the kind of women I’m drawn to that makes this a pattern? Or is this just how dating works now? It feels like if you give someone a little kindness, suddenly you owe them everything.

Would appreciate your take.

— Always the Bad Guy

DEAR ALWAYS THE BAD GUY: Normally with a letter like this, I’d be more inclined to say “if you’re looking to be slapped around, hire a dominatrix” but hey, these deadlines won’t meet themselves.

And then I got to that last sentence. So, I guess it’s time to acquaint you to my good friend, The Chair Leg of Truth.

This isn’t a problem of you being an innocent bystander catching strays or women taking out their issues and excessively high expectations on you, super chief. This is entirely you’re doing.

The actual problem is glaringly obvious, ATBG. This isn’t one thing so much as a cascading series of choices that keep leading to the same place. And despite how you try to frame it, it’s one that is entirely your doing. This ain’t a case of “man, these chicks are so unreasonable”, it’s you pulling s--t over and over again and then wondering why people think you’re being an asshat.

As the saying goes: if one person calls you a horse, you’ve met a crazy person. If ten people call you a horse, you better check yourself for a saddle and bridle. And hey guess what…

None of this is accidental, and it’s very clear that it’s not. We’ll start with the fact that you know that this is a pattern you repeat over and over again – same behaviors, same people, same outcome. It’s the old – if inaccurate – saw about the definition of “insanity” being “doing the same thing and expecting a different result”.

Well, you keep indulging in the behavior and acting perplexed why it happens every time. Hmm who knows, maybe it keeps happening because you keep doing the same things to very similar people. How bizarre. How strange. How utterly unexpected.

If you know enough to know that if this is an actual problem, then maybe you should stop doing these things, especially if it leads to people being hurt and upset at you. Except that would require actually having some empathy instead of being irritated that they’re mad at you for doing the thing that keeps getting people mad at you.

Now, were this a series of innocent mistakes and misunderstandings, then much of this could be avoided if you took steps at the start. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a relationship style where you prioritize a series of short-term connections. Some folks are simply wired to need a lot of novelty, whose relationships tend to be frequent and intense but brief and whose interest fades fairly quickly over time. But it becomes a problem when you know this about yourself and yet you don’t make it clear to the people you meet that this is how you work and what you have to offer. Telling them up front that “hey, I can only do short-term” or “this is only going to be a fling” allows them to make the informed decision as to whether that’s something they are down for or not.

Of course, there will always be people who hear that and either ignore it or think that they can change your mind. You can’t control for that, unfortunately; they’re setting themselves up for heartbreak because they don’t want to acknowledge that they chose to ignore the warnings.

(Ask me how I know. Go on, ask me.)

Not telling them and/or allowing them to think there could be more, on the other hand, is s--tty, and no amount of “well I didn’t say…” isn’t going to excuse it. Yeah, I talk about “don’t assume you’re exclusive if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk”, but this isn’t a universally observed rule. Things would be a lot easier if it were, but we ain’t there yet, and playing it off as though it were is disingenuous. And more to the point, if you know or have reason to suspect that someone is starting to think you’re exclusive, or is acting like you are, then relying on “well I didn’t say we were an item,” doesn’t serve as a “get out of blame free” card.

Seeing as you can recognize this pattern, you understand precisely what’s happening and why. Shockingly, people don’t appreciate being told they haven’t been led on simply because they didn’t double check the fine print of a contract they didn’t know they were signing.

Next is the fact that you recognize that this keeps happening with the same “type” of people – people who are particularly vulnerable to someone being caring and attentive and acting like they want a relationship. It’s not an accident that it’s always this particular combination of traits, and the fact that you acknowledge it means that you know damn good and well what you’re doing. It’s not a wacky coincidence that keeps happening, you’re targeting them. This isn’t – as your passive-voice indicates – something that just happens. It’s not “you tend to click”, it’s that you’re doing this to people who will respond to this particular behavior, and reward you with the attention and sexy times you want.��Or did you think folks were going to see “chubby chicks with self-esteem issues” and just assume that they were getting too hung up on a guy they should think of as out of their league?

This is then followed by “I treat them in ways men don’t normally treat them – like I’m actually interested in them as people and potential romantic partners.” Well congratulations for acting like someone who’s actually attracted to them and wants to date them instead of using them for sex and a self-esteem boost, humanitarian of the year, you are. It’s so unreasonable that they think you’re leading them on.

Oh, except for this part: “We’ll spend time together, hook up, talk late into the night. But after a while, it shifts. They start needing more from me—texts all day, constant reassurance, deeper conversations I’m not always in the mood for. I start feeling boxed in.”

OK, so you’re feeling boxed in because they’re expecting you to continue behaving in the manner that you started behaving? How f--king unreasonable of them. I mean, how dare these women think you might actually like them and want to date them when you have been acting like you like them and want to date them.

One of the things I talk about when I talk about how to maintain a casual relationship is to avoid treating it like a romantic relationship, especially if it’s primarily about casual sex. This means not sending signs that you’re interested in more by not acting like you’re interested in more. You don’t need to get up and wipe your dick on the curtains and bounce as soon as you get off, but having those long talks into the night and all that time spent together? Yeah, you’re giving every indication that you’re interested in something less casual and more connected and then slapping them down when they respond to that.

Now could all this be avoided? Well of course. This keeps happening after all and you clearly have enough pattern recognition to complain about it. You could start by not giving them the full court press at the start, which sets up the situation. You also know that you could be having conversations much earlier, checking in to say “hey, I get the feeling that maybe you and I are seeing this differently, and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about what this relationship is.” Except you don’t. Not until you, as you put it, are getting bored and are ready to find someone new, not before.  

Why is that, I wonder? Because if you didn’t play it this way, allowing them to think that there’s more than there actually is, they wouldn’t sleep with you? They’d pass on casual sex in favor of finding a committed relationship with someone else?  

It’s at this point where you’re playing the game of “letter of the law, but not the spirit”. Breaking things off “with full transparency” isn’t you being honorable or kind, nor honest. Full transparency involves being transparent from the start, not waiting until you’re done and saying “Look, I’m bored here, this was never serious for me and I’m just gonna go f--k someone else now, toodles!” And while yes, you didn’t make promises, you just behaved in ways that strongly imply that you feel a certain way and allow them to work under the assumption that this is how you feel.

It’s one thing if you realize that you made a mistake by acting in such a way that another person made a reasonable inference and you didn’t catch it until it was too late. It’s a s--tty thing to do, but it’s a mistake made out of ignorance and misunderstanding, and one that a lot of folks make. But it’s a mistake that most folks – people who genuinely feel bad about having hurt someone like this – make once.

It’s another when this keeps mysteriously happening, involving the same behavior with similar people, all of whom seem to respond with the same degree of hurt and betrayal. That’s when it starts looking deliberate and targeted.

To not recognize that this isn’t just a bunch of stage-4 clingers that you keep accidentally seducing requires a level of profound and deliberate ignorance. And quite frankly that’s what makes it very hard for me to buy that you have enough awareness to see all the other aspects of this but somehow this is your sole blind spot.

They’re acting hurt and betrayed because you were acting like someone who was genuinely interested in them. You were giving them care, attention and validation, spending time on dates and having those long, deep, involved conversations and then getting upset that they took that as a sign that you were dating. You allowed them to believe this, never correcting them or – if need be – ending the relationship sooner because they were getting too invested, and you rely on the fig leaf of “well, technically,” as if that made it better.

It’s weird how getting all legalistic and pedantic doesn’t make someone feel better, huh?

And again, don’t think I don’t note the “subtle” hints of “I am being calm and rational, unlike these clingy, unreasonable, emotional dames, so clearly it’s not me.”

The problem isn’t that you lost interest. That happens, faster to some than others. The people who know this about themselves, who don’t want to hurt others, lead with this, so that folks know what they’re getting into.

Nor is the problem that you didn’t maintain the “same level of intensity, forever”. Nobody’s expecting that. The problem is that you used them. You act in a way that leads people to believe one way, to people who you say are vulnerable to this behavior, and then try to disregard your own responsibility in the matter by trying to hide behind technicalities and hoping that people are going to buy into the idea that women are just overly emotional and chubby chicks get too clingy.

You want to break this pattern? Start by being honest from the jump. You haven’t been with them and you haven’t been with me.

Because yeah, you’re the one being the asshole here. That’s entirely on you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com