DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This keeps happening and I genuinely don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

I tend to click with women who are sweet but haven’t had a lot of attention. They’re usually a little insecure, maybe on the heavier side, maybe not used to someone actually showing up for them. I make them feel good about themselves — I notice things about them that most people overlook. I put in effort, I give them compliments, I listen, I make them feel wanted.

They always respond so strongly to that. They light up. They open up. They tell me I make them feel seen. And I like that connection at first. It’s intense, but in a good way. We’ll spend time together, hook up, talk late into the night. But after a while, it shifts. They start needing more from me—texts all day, constant reassurance, deeper conversations I’m not always in the mood for. I start feeling boxed in.

By that point, I’m usually losing interest anyway. Sometimes I meet someone new, someone fresh, more exciting. And yeah, I’ll act on that. I usually break things off with full transparency.

What I don’t get is why it always becomes this huge betrayal. I never told them we were exclusive. I didn’t make promises. I just treated them well and connected with them, and now I’m being accused of leading them on or using them. They’ll say I made them feel special “just to take it away,” or that I “knew what I was doing,” like I had some evil plan. All I did was lose interest and move on.

When I try to explain, I get accused of being manipulative. I am always honest about what I want and let them know that they’re projecting things on to me that I have never agreed to. But they always twist that into me “messing with their heads” or “blaming them for being hurt.” One even said I made her feel crazy for having feelings, which — how is that my fault?

I don’t yell. I don’t lie. I just try to be calm and remind them what we actually said to each other. But somehow I end up being the villain because I didn’t feel the same intensity forever.

At this point I’m wondering—is there something about the kind of women I’m drawn to that makes this a pattern? Or is this just how dating works now? It feels like if you give someone a little kindness, suddenly you owe them everything.

Would appreciate your take.

— Always the Bad Guy

DEAR ALWAYS THE BAD GUY: Normally with a letter like this, I’d be more inclined to say “if you’re looking to be slapped around, hire a dominatrix” but hey, these deadlines won’t meet themselves.

And then I got to that last sentence. So, I guess it’s time to acquaint you to my good friend, The Chair Leg of Truth.

This isn’t a problem of you being an innocent bystander catching strays or women taking out their issues and excessively high expectations on you, super chief. This is entirely you’re doing.

The actual problem is glaringly obvious, ATBG. This isn’t one thing so much as a cascading series of choices that keep leading to the same place. And despite how you try to frame it, it’s one that is entirely your doing. This ain’t a case of “man, these chicks are so unreasonable”, it’s you pulling s--t over and over again and then wondering why people think you’re being an asshat.

As the saying goes: if one person calls you a horse, you’ve met a crazy person. If ten people call you a horse, you better check yourself for a saddle and bridle. And hey guess what…

None of this is accidental, and it’s very clear that it’s not. We’ll start with the fact that you know that this is a pattern you repeat over and over again – same behaviors, same people, same outcome. It’s the old – if inaccurate – saw about the definition of “insanity” being “doing the same thing and expecting a different result”.

Well, you keep indulging in the behavior and acting perplexed why it happens every time. Hmm who knows, maybe it keeps happening because you keep doing the same things to very similar people. How bizarre. How strange. How utterly unexpected.

If you know enough to know that if this is an actual problem, then maybe you should stop doing these things, especially if it leads to people being hurt and upset at you. Except that would require actually having some empathy instead of being irritated that they’re mad at you for doing the thing that keeps getting people mad at you.

Now, were this a series of innocent mistakes and misunderstandings, then much of this could be avoided if you took steps at the start. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a relationship style where you prioritize a series of short-term connections. Some folks are simply wired to need a lot of novelty, whose relationships tend to be frequent and intense but brief and whose interest fades fairly quickly over time. But it becomes a problem when you know this about yourself and yet you don’t make it clear to the people you meet that this is how you work and what you have to offer. Telling them up front that “hey, I can only do short-term” or “this is only going to be a fling” allows them to make the informed decision as to whether that’s something they are down for or not.

Of course, there will always be people who hear that and either ignore it or think that they can change your mind. You can’t control for that, unfortunately; they’re setting themselves up for heartbreak because they don’t want to acknowledge that they chose to ignore the warnings.

(Ask me how I know. Go on, ask me.)

Not telling them and/or allowing them to think there could be more, on the other hand, is s--tty, and no amount of “well I didn’t say…” isn’t going to excuse it. Yeah, I talk about “don’t assume you’re exclusive if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk”, but this isn’t a universally observed rule. Things would be a lot easier if it were, but we ain’t there yet, and playing it off as though it were is disingenuous. And more to the point, if you know or have reason to suspect that someone is starting to think you’re exclusive, or is acting like you are, then relying on “well I didn’t say we were an item,” doesn’t serve as a “get out of blame free” card.

Seeing as you can recognize this pattern, you understand precisely what’s happening and why. Shockingly, people don’t appreciate being told they haven’t been led on simply because they didn’t double check the fine print of a contract they didn’t know they were signing.

Next is the fact that you recognize that this keeps happening with the same “type” of people – people who are particularly vulnerable to someone being caring and attentive and acting like they want a relationship. It’s not an accident that it’s always this particular combination of traits, and the fact that you acknowledge it means that you know damn good and well what you’re doing. It’s not a wacky coincidence that keeps happening, you’re targeting them. This isn’t – as your passive-voice indicates – something that just happens. It’s not “you tend to click”, it’s that you’re doing this to people who will respond to this particular behavior, and reward you with the attention and sexy times you want.��Or did you think folks were going to see “chubby chicks with self-esteem issues” and just assume that they were getting too hung up on a guy they should think of as out of their league?

This is then followed by “I treat them in ways men don’t normally treat them – like I’m actually interested in them as people and potential romantic partners.” Well congratulations for acting like someone who’s actually attracted to them and wants to date them instead of using them for sex and a self-esteem boost, humanitarian of the year, you are. It’s so unreasonable that they think you’re leading them on.

Oh, except for this part: “We’ll spend time together, hook up, talk late into the night. But after a while, it shifts. They start needing more from me—texts all day, constant reassurance, deeper conversations I’m not always in the mood for. I start feeling boxed in.”

OK, so you’re feeling boxed in because they’re expecting you to continue behaving in the manner that you started behaving? How f--king unreasonable of them. I mean, how dare these women think you might actually like them and want to date them when you have been acting like you like them and want to date them.

One of the things I talk about when I talk about how to maintain a casual relationship is to avoid treating it like a romantic relationship, especially if it’s primarily about casual sex. This means not sending signs that you’re interested in more by not acting like you’re interested in more. You don’t need to get up and wipe your dick on the curtains and bounce as soon as you get off, but having those long talks into the night and all that time spent together? Yeah, you’re giving every indication that you’re interested in something less casual and more connected and then slapping them down when they respond to that.

Now could all this be avoided? Well of course. This keeps happening after all and you clearly have enough pattern recognition to complain about it. You could start by not giving them the full court press at the start, which sets up the situation. You also know that you could be having conversations much earlier, checking in to say “hey, I get the feeling that maybe you and I are seeing this differently, and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about what this relationship is.” Except you don’t. Not until you, as you put it, are getting bored and are ready to find someone new, not before.  

Why is that, I wonder? Because if you didn’t play it this way, allowing them to think that there’s more than there actually is, they wouldn’t sleep with you? They’d pass on casual sex in favor of finding a committed relationship with someone else?  

It’s at this point where you’re playing the game of “letter of the law, but not the spirit”. Breaking things off “with full transparency” isn’t you being honorable or kind, nor honest. Full transparency involves being transparent from the start, not waiting until you’re done and saying “Look, I’m bored here, this was never serious for me and I’m just gonna go f--k someone else now, toodles!” And while yes, you didn’t make promises, you just behaved in ways that strongly imply that you feel a certain way and allow them to work under the assumption that this is how you feel.

It’s one thing if you realize that you made a mistake by acting in such a way that another person made a reasonable inference and you didn’t catch it until it was too late. It’s a s--tty thing to do, but it’s a mistake made out of ignorance and misunderstanding, and one that a lot of folks make. But it’s a mistake that most folks – people who genuinely feel bad about having hurt someone like this – make once.

It’s another when this keeps mysteriously happening, involving the same behavior with similar people, all of whom seem to respond with the same degree of hurt and betrayal. That’s when it starts looking deliberate and targeted.

To not recognize that this isn’t just a bunch of stage-4 clingers that you keep accidentally seducing requires a level of profound and deliberate ignorance. And quite frankly that’s what makes it very hard for me to buy that you have enough awareness to see all the other aspects of this but somehow this is your sole blind spot.

They’re acting hurt and betrayed because you were acting like someone who was genuinely interested in them. You were giving them care, attention and validation, spending time on dates and having those long, deep, involved conversations and then getting upset that they took that as a sign that you were dating. You allowed them to believe this, never correcting them or – if need be – ending the relationship sooner because they were getting too invested, and you rely on the fig leaf of “well, technically,” as if that made it better.

It’s weird how getting all legalistic and pedantic doesn’t make someone feel better, huh?

And again, don’t think I don’t note the “subtle” hints of “I am being calm and rational, unlike these clingy, unreasonable, emotional dames, so clearly it’s not me.”

The problem isn’t that you lost interest. That happens, faster to some than others. The people who know this about themselves, who don’t want to hurt others, lead with this, so that folks know what they’re getting into.

Nor is the problem that you didn’t maintain the “same level of intensity, forever”. Nobody’s expecting that. The problem is that you used them. You act in a way that leads people to believe one way, to people who you say are vulnerable to this behavior, and then try to disregard your own responsibility in the matter by trying to hide behind technicalities and hoping that people are going to buy into the idea that women are just overly emotional and chubby chicks get too clingy.

You want to break this pattern? Start by being honest from the jump. You haven’t been with them and you haven’t been with me.

Because yeah, you’re the one being the asshole here. That’s entirely on you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (M28) am writing because I have a lot of trouble about moving on from my last (and only) relationship with a girl I’ll call Leila (F28). We were together for about five years, and after that we got back together for a few months. We have a child together.

I have always been the very quiet, recluse kid at school. Not many friends, but I didn’t care as I spent all my free time playing video games. In college, I did my best to get out of my shell, and I mostly succeeded: I got into partying, meeting people, and I met a lot of people whom I’m still friends with today.

Now, I was not really getting there with romantic and sexual relationships. While I did get some interest from other women from time to time, I never found them to my liking. Of course, I never approached girls I thought were cute.

It was the same when I met Leila: she was interested in me, but I wasn’t at first. But see, I knew she was attractive, just not my particular flavor. She made heads turn at the bar. She was very experienced sexually. And she was hitting on me really hard. She quickly grew on me and we quickly started hooking up. She was my first sexual partner (not counting a hookup I once had with a girl I didn’t want).

Now you can’t imagine what effect this had on my ego. The “unattractive loser” was having sex with a hot girl, and everyone knew it. I felt like a million bucks, and that had never happened to me before. Actually, the well-being of my ego entirely depended on the fact that Leila wanted to hook up with ME specifically — and more than that even: she was in love with me. I liked her a lot but I can’t say I was “in love”.

I was fine with being sexfriends, and I told her so, but eventually I gave in and we started “dating”, and we quickly moved in together. We got on very well, had lots of shared interests, we had good sex. Her libido was lower than mine, which frustrated me a bit but it was still okay.

Through the years, things dwindled. She made a lot of effort to maintain the relationship, and did a lot for me. But her libido lowered a lot. I was increasingly distant and frustrated with her. I didn’t feel attached to her at all anymore. I wanted to go out there and get my own relationships, go see “hot girls” and hook up with them, meet a girl I “really love” to date her. So I ended things one year ago and moved out.

Leila was devastated, but I was finally free. Free to pursue whatever I wanted in terms of relationships. I was fine being alone, and was not looking for another relationship for the moment. Only, what I didn’t know is that my whole sense of self-worth still rested on Leila’s love for me, so when I learned that she had hooked up with multiple people since we split (and I — zero), I literally felt my soul leaving my body.

Enter anxiety and depression. I had never felt so bad in my life. If she forgot me, I thought, I would have nothing for me anymore. I was ferociously jealous that she could get anyone she wanted, because she was that good, and I… just couldn’t. I was jealous of her partners too – obviously. And she really did almost everything I could have ever hoped to do or discover in my sexual life during our breakup, including things she didn’t do with me, which killed me a little more.

Yet, I tried the apps. I ended up getting some dates (no sex), multiple dates with the same girls even, including one I met during a night out. This was all a first for me and I’m still surprised I pulled it off. But really, I was only thinking about Leila. I felt like these girls I met just didn’t measure up to her. So when Leila and I met later that year, and she told me she still loved me, we ended up having sex and got back together shortly after. And the old feelings came back: I was frustrated, distant, dismissive of her needs because I had seen no progress whatsoever in my own relationship goals during the breakup. We split up again.

Now, she found someone else very quickly, again. I fear that she found a more serious prospect than the previous people she saw. I tell myself every day that I could get her back, and end the constant anxiety, loneliness and frustration. It’s just a phone call away. Only, I don’t know how much time is left before she won’t take me back. And I’m scared to see this day come.

Of course, this is not healthy. I believe I need to put an end to this relationship, for good, but we cannot go no-contact because of our child. We have both sent messages that we shouldn’t have, still recently.

Doc, how the hell am I supposed to build my self-worth on my own? How do I know I’m not letting the best girl I’ll ever meet go, while she would spend the rest of her life with me?

What if I’m only leaving her for the frustration of not having had any other sexual experiences, only to understand after a few years that our life together was actually nice enough and our problems were all (well, mostly) in my head? I do fear I am making a huge mistake here.

Sorry for the long one, and thanks a lot for reading. Love your blog, your energy and your outlook: you’re one of the good ones. Keep up the good work.

Hollow Night

DEAR HOLLOW NIGHT: This is a s--tty situation to be in and you have my sympathy. Which is why I hate to say this HN, because it’s going to sound like I’m giving you s--t when I’m not, but… this is precisely why I talk about external vs. internal validation and why it’s important to love yourself. It’s also why confidence and self-esteem isn’t inherent to achievements or other people – because that means your sense of self and self-worth is something that can be taken away from you.

Without the foundation of feeling your own value, believing in your own worth, independent of who you’re seeing or sleeping with… well, you end up with situations like this. And it absolutely sucks. It hurts, and it makes it hard to move forward, simply because you’re more focused on what someone else is doing rather than working on your own healing and making your own closure.

This is something that a lot of guys go through, especially guys who define themselves as hopeless or losers or otherwise have made being “bad with girls” part of their identity and self-concept. They find the “perfect” person, someone who they can point to and say “Look, she finds me hot! She’s someone other people want, now she’s with me! Look what that says about me!” And for a brief period, it feels like you’re the center of the universe. You’ve gone from being the guy that folks pitied, if they didn’t sneer at you, to being the guy that everyone envies. You go outside and it feels like you’re starring in a musical full of song and dance numbers about how great you are while God smiles down directly on you.

And then your “perfect” partner turns out to be human, the same as everyone else. The little imperfections and flaws that everyone has become more prominent in your view, the little annoyances that you could overlook early on stop being so little. And, just as importantly… well, you start thinking that “ok, well, maybe I could do a little better than this. Maybe I could find someone who’s even better, someone who can make me feel like I did when we first started, but without the things that are bugging me.”

Maybe you end things, maybe the relationship has reached the point where she does; either way, you are now single – like you wanted to be! The world is your oyster! You’re ready to move on to the next level with the next, even better partner…

Except you don’t. You struggle. You have a hard time meeting people, especially folks who are on the same theoretical “level” as your ex. The confidence you had has vanished, and all those obstacles and challenges you thought had been erased by being with her never actually went away, and you’re exactly where you were before.

Meanwhile, she’s not had the same problem. She’s seeing other people, while Friday night is the loneliest night for you. And you can’t help but feel like maybe the answer is to get her back, so you can feel the way you did before.

Now, to be clear: being frustrated about a mismatched libido is understandable, especially if sex and sexual intimacy is a priority for you in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is vitally important for a relationship’s long-term success. But it also sounds like there wasn’t as much there besides the sex. You say it yourself: you weren’t dating her because you loved her, you were moving from being f--kbuddies to dating because she wanted something more serious and you “gave in”. Which was, honestly, a mistake. An understandable one, but a mistake none the less. Because when the sex went from being new and novel to not just what you were accustomed to, but not as frequent or regular as at the start, there was less in the relationship to help bridge the gap.

So, you basically ended up doubly screwed. You were in a relationship that didn’t meet your needs, with someone who you liked, but didn’t have that vital connection to, and you didn’t have the foundation of self-worth and value and esteem that would make it easier to move on, give yourself closure, take what you learned and apply it to a new relationship. You had the illusion of confidence, not the reality of it, and it vanished because it was based entirely on someone else.

So, I’m going to say this as gently as I can: this happened because at the end of the day, this relationship was all about you and how being with her meant that you were special. It’s a little like the scene in 500 Days of Summer, where Summer is saying something significant and vulnerable to Tom, something that she has never said to anyone else, and Tom misses it entirely. He knows she’s talking, but he’s not paying attention; he’s thinking about what her opening up to him this way says about him.

And, to be frank, it’s still happening. You haven’t moved on because you haven’t learned the lesson here. Even your despair at how many guys she’s been with in comparison to your none is due to having not fully understood why this relationship hasn’t and won’t work. I hate to tell you this but if you get back with her again, you’re going to have the same frustrations, feel the same lack of affection and care and you’re going to break up a third time, because nothing has changed. You haven’t learned the lesson you need to learn, so you’re stuck in the same patterns, which will just repeat itself again. And then, all that’s going to happen is that you will have broken the heart of someone who seems to genuinely care for you three separate times.

You miss Leila because of what she represents, not because of her. You miss how she made you feel about yourself. You miss being the guy that could get someone this hot, this sexual, someone who made you the envy of others. But that’s all about you, using her as the base for your sense of self-worth and confidence.

You have to let go of that and learn to find it in yourself. This is why confidence is built by believing in your own ability to improve and grow and accomplish, not by “success” and not by who you’re with. It’s built around knowing that you may not succeed this time, but failure isn’t going to stop you, either. And it’s built around knowing that, even when nobody else believes in you, your faith in yourself is strong.

This is why I say that loving yourself is so important. Why your sense of self-worth has to be inherent to you, not reliant on external validation. Otherwise, you end up in situations just like this, feeling lost and confused and often causing pain in others without meaning to or even understanding why or how you’re doing so.

Leila isn’t the best woman you will ever meet, HN. She’s the one that made you feel a particular way. That relationship was mostly about you and it still is. You have only ever felt this need for her after you leave her, not while you’re with her. It’s about filling the vacuum in your sense of self that you notice when she’s gone. And until you do fill it for yourself, you’re going to have the same problems – chasing after someone you don’t actually want for her own sake, while not being able to move on and meet someone who you might actually care about and build a relationship with.

I know this sounds harsh, but this is the way forward for you. You have to recon with the truth of your connection to her, even though it makes you look bad and makes you feel bad about yourself. It’s the lesson you have been needing to learn before now, but made all the more bitter because this is the second go-round, second verse same as the first, a little bit louder and a whole lot worse.

You’re going to have to build your confidence and self-worth without her, find the things that make you feel good about yourself by yourself. You’re going to have to teach yourself to do the things that not only feed your soul but nourish your sense of self, instead of relying on someone else that you can point to and say “see? SEE? THIS PROVES I’M COOL!”

And when you finally do, you’ll be able to put your previous relationship with Leila behind you and move on to the one you’ll need to have going forward. Which, I hate to say it, won’t be and shouldn’t be as a couple. Co-parents, yes, but not partners. You didn’t have that connection when you first started this, and at this point, I think you’ve salted that ground far too thoroughly.

Find yourself, learn to recognize your inherent value and worth that is entirely because you are you, and then find someone who you can connect with as a partner, not as an accessory. It’s going to sting while you do it, but that’s the pain of growth put off for too long.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you’ll forgive me if I ramble a bit, I don’t have anyone else I feel safe saying this to.

I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend. She’s amazing, beautiful, kind, passionate, and she genuinely adores me. I know this she tells me, she shows me, and her eyes light up when we’re together. Her family loves me too. In fact, I literally saved her father’s life I pulled him out of a car right before it was crushed in a pile-up. Since then, her family has treated me like a hero, like I’m already one of them.

And still, I’m terrified.

I’m scared that one day she’ll wake up and realize I’m not good enough. I know I’m not the most attractive guy. I’m average at best, maybe less. I know what Tinder is. I know there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of guys who are better-looking, more confident, richer, and smoother. And what if she realizes that too?

She once cried tears of joy while holding me — it should have reassured me. But all I could think was that I didn’t deserve her. That maybe I had tricked her into thinking I’m better than I am.

I don’t show her any of this fear. I’m scared to. I’ve been vulnerable before, and it never ended well. I grew up in a home where showing weakness meant getting hurt. Literally. My parents beat me often. I left home as soon as I could, and I’ve never gone back.

So now, even though I’m loved truly loved I still feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting for it to end. For her to see through me. For her to leave. I know it’s irrational. But how do I stop this voice in my head?

How do I let myself believe I’m enough?

Sincerely,

Scared to Lose Everything

DEAR SCARED TO LOSE EVERYTHING: SLE, I’m going to do something that seems a bit counter-intuitive, so I’m going to ask you to stick with me for a second. Just trust me, ok?

Here’s the thing: your fear isn’t entirely irrational. Your girlfriend could up and leave you today. Right now. With no warning. 

That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. It’s just a possibility that exists and will always exist, regardless of whether you’re “enough” or not. This is true of everyone in a relationship. Everyone who is in a relationship with another person is at risk of their sweetie deciding it’s time to call it quits and move on.

(And the folks who are in relationships with AI “girlfriends” are at risk of the company just killing their sweeties when they decide it’s time to pivot to a new revenue stream…) 

It’s the nature of being a sentient species with free will; we can make decisions at any time that may end up causing pain or heartache or distress to other people, including people close to us. There’s not really a way to prevent that without abrogating the freedoms of others.

We’re all aware that relationships can end. We hope and assume it won’t happen to us, but we know it’s a possibility. That’s part of the human condition: the awareness of the impermanence of things. But we also choose – consciously and unconsciously – to ignore that fact. It’s like how we know that loving a cat or a dog or a bunny or any other pet is an invitation to tragedy, yet we ignore the inevitability of having to say goodbye and the tears that come with it. Why? Because the preoccupation with how it may end does us no good; if we let those fears rage without restraint, we end up paralyzed, afraid to do anything or take any chances lest we get a critical fail on a random saving throw. At that point, we spend most of our time on this Earth preoccupied with the end of the thing that brings us joy, instead of savoring it now.

That’s part of the problem you’re having right now: you’re letting those fears �– and they’re understandable fears, don’t get me wrong – steal the joy from your life. You have more of your brain’s bandwidth dedicated to the fear of losing your relationship than you do to delighting in and appreciating all the little things that make relationships wonderful. You can’t, for example, notice how your pillow smells like your sweetie’s hair when you’re too busy worried that she may wake up and realize that there’re other hot guys out there. You can’t relax into the warmth and comfort of her embrace on the couch watching your favorite show together if you’re too busy thinking about the day you may not have it any more.

And the thing is, that worry is utterly useless. It serves no benefit, brings no comfort, nor any measure of protection. The act of worrying doesn’t magically make the threat go away. It just increases the anticipation of what could happen to the point that it occupies all the space in your mind. So, all you’re doing is borrowing trouble from the future – a future that may never come to pass – and reducing the amount of joy in your life.

But here’s the other side of the equation: some of what you fear has already happened. I promise you: your girlfriend isn’t unaware that there are other men in the world. She’s not dating you because you’re the only other man she has met outside of her family. She isn’t with you out of ignorance of the wider world.  There isn’t some day where she’ll wake up and suddenly realize that there’re other men out there; that day happened long, long ago, before you ever met her or even had the slightest inkling of her existence.

She knows perfectly well that there are other men out there who have more money or a more prestigious job or who are more conventionally attractive than you. Your girlfriend isn’t some babe in the woods (or EL James protagonist) who has never seen a computer before and doesn’t know what email is. She knows that dating apps exist. She knows hot and rich people walk the Earth with two arms like Donald Sutherland, and there are services that will be thrilled to introduce her to them. The thing is: she knows this – it’s impossible to exist in this interconnected world and not to know this – and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care because she’s not interested in those people. She has chosen you.

You know what else may well happen? She may develop a crush on someone. And what happens when it does? Well… if she’s like most people, nothing. It’s a crush. They happen without reason or warning and they go away just as easily without making so much as a ripple in the water of the relationship, simply because finding another person attractive isn’t the same as “well, there is no choice for me but to throw this person aside.” Because not only is attraction not a zero-sum game, but it’s not a commandment either.

And let’s be honest here: you know this as well as she does, because you know there are other women in the world – many of whom are just as hot as your girlfriend, if not more so. You could just as easily toss her aside to pursue someone else, get yourself a nice relationship upgrade. And you don’t. Why? Well, it’s not because you don’t think you could score with one of those other women, not really. It’s because you don’t want them, not more than you want your girlfriend. You want your girlfriend, specifically, because she’s uniquely her. You didn’t choose her because she had the most points on a spreadsheet, any more than she chose you off a list simply because you were the best of a limited selection. You have chosen one another because of the qualities that make each of you special and unrepeatable, combinations you won’t find in literally anyone else.

If you can love your girlfriend despite living in a world where Sydney Sweeny or Zoe Kravitz or anyone else exists, your girlfriend can love you despite the fact that Glenn Powell is out there… watching. Waiting…

I promise: you haven’t tricked her into believing anything. The only person who’s been tricked is you, and you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that love is something that you earn or that is given to “the worthy”, instead of given freely by people who choose to give it.

The cause of your fear is fairly obvious. You call it out yourself in your letter. You grew up in circumstances where love was a commodity to be doled out at the whims of the people who were supposed to love you and care for you and protect you and who hurt you instead. You were taught that love was, at best, the carrot being dangled that told you the stick was coming. And that’s left you in a place where you feel like love is something that is conditional and can be taken away without warning. Small wonder you worry about losing this good thing in your life.

But if you know that, then you also know that the answer is to deal with the cause, not the symptom. You need to hie thyself to the therapist’s office, ideally to someone who understands attachment styles and familial abuse. You need to heal the wound your family inflicted, if only so you can stop letting them hurt you long after you got away from them. That can only happen if you take action.

So let your girlfriend love you. Let yourself recognize that while your fears are real, they’re not justified; they’re just a reaction to harm that was done by someone else. It’s time to debride that wound, to cleanse and disinfect it and finally let it heal. And in doing so, you’ll stop stealing joy from your life for no reason.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com