DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 23-year-old man with autism, and perhaps needless to say, it’s made my social life challenging – not to mention that I’ve struggled a lot with social anxiety, depression, the works. I’m very fortunate in that I have a supportive family, and over the course of – what, a decade of therapy? – I’ve reached a point where I can recognize that I’ve got a pretty big bundle of self-loathing, a lot of it related to being autistic, to unravel. So far, so good.

Over the past couple of years in particular, I’ve put in a lot of work to overcome depression and work on bettering myself – eating better, getting more exercise, mindfulness, you get the picture. Again, so far so good!

But something I’m stuck on is my social life. I have a handful of friends in real life, but due to distance we only get to see each other a couple of times per year – time that I cherish, but desperately want more of. I’m more socially active online, but while I would call them friends without reservation, it’s just different from being with someone in person, especially since I’ve never met any of them in real life – again, distance.

So, make more friends. Easy. I’m in college still, simple enough – who can’t make friends in college? Yet… I just can’t. Make no mistake, I’m fully aware that this is a me problem and not the people around me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t feel ready enough, good enough, worthy enough. I’m still too fat, I’ll just look like a creep, why would they want to talk to a complete stranger anyways? The list of BS excuses that make complete sense in the moment goes on. This is the new form that my social anxiety takes as opposed to flight-or-fight, which is an improvement, but I still can’t say I’m pleased with it. This, of course, goes double for dating – I’d certainly like a relationship with someone, but all of those reasons I don’t feel good enough just to talk to people means that I’m certainly not opening myself up to dating.

Even when the situation is reversed – someone talks to me every once in a while – these assumptions still take place despite the fact that they’re showing explicit interest in speaking to me. I’m so caught off-guard by it that I’m barely able to hold a coherent conversation, and after the fact I’ll never follow up on it. I ruined my shot at a first impression, what’s the point?

It’s like I’m always on the outside looking in, and I just can’t figure out how I’m supposed to *just do it*. I’ve spent entirely too much time reading self-help stuff online (this blog included), and no matter how much I read the best-written, most sound advice, I just can’t internalize it for the life of me. I can’t shake the implicit assumption that I fundamentally can’t achieve it, and even if I did, I wouldn’t deserve it. No matter how much rationalization (or rumination) I do, it’s a feeling that I cannot overcome. It’s the world’s most self-inflicted rock and hard place situation: caught between my earnest desire to put myself out there and the “knowledge” that I can’t.

All of that preamble to ask: what would you say to someone who does not feel worthy of having friends or dating? How do they overcome that mental block? If this is a case where the Chair Leg of Truth is needed, then bring it on – I’m ready to hear it. Thanks just for reading this.

– Unconfident Man

DEAR UNCONFIDENT MAN: Ok, I think I see the problem here, UM, and it comes down to something very simple: do or do not. There is no try.

Allow me to explain: you’re thinking too much about all of this. You’re thinking that there’s some way of doing things that’s “the right way” and if you don’t do it correctly, then you’re doing something wrong. That’s not how it works, but it’s the thought pattern that’s got you stuck.

Much of this comes down to the idea that you have to “deserve” a social life or that you have to be someone who’s “worth” talking to. You’re thinking that having friends is something that you earn by being a “good” person or the “right kind” of person. And that’s all bulls--t.  

All the worries and excuses – being “too fat” or “why would they want to talk to me” and so on – are just that, worries and excuses. You feel like you need to overcome these things and that you aren’t “worthy” because you have these supposed faults and flaws; if you were worthy, you wouldn’t have them, because you would’ve overcome them. Except you don’t. Because that’s part of “trying” and there is no “try”. There’s just either doing it or not doing it.

Doing it and failing – or rather, not succeeding – is fine, because you’re still doing it. Not doing it… well, that’s what you’re doing now. And “trying” is, at its core, justifying not doing it in the first place. It’s making a half-assed attempt, under the assumption that you’re going to not succeed anyway so why commit to it in the first place? It’s giving yourself reasons why you’ve failed before you’ve even made the attempt, so you end up not doing it. And so we come to the crux of the problem and the solution: there is no “try”.

It has nothing to do with being deserving or worthy; we see the ‘unworthy’ succeed all the time. It just comes down to “you do it or you don’t”. Everything else is just you talking yourself out of it. Overthinking it is the “try” of “there is no try”.

So, if the problem is that you’re overthinking it, let’s eliminate the problem: stop thinking. Just do.

No, seriously. Stop thinking about what-ifs or talking yourself down, and instead just say “I’m ready, they’re going to love me, let’s do this.” If you think about it, you end up creating reasons to not give your all, to start off from a place of apologizing for your mere existence and thus setting yourself up to not succeed. So instead, you choose to not think about it, to not give yourself the chance to overthink it and convince yourself not to or to half-ass it instead of giving it your full ass.

You stop waiting to be “ready”, you stop trying to be “deserving” and you just do. You go out there like you have already crossed whatever milestone your anxiety says you need to it and you did it years ago.

Think of it as role-playing a character, except this character is the person you think you need to be in order to be “worthy” or “deserving”; you’ve got a 16 Charisma and proficiency in persuasion and performance checks so you’ll get advantage on those rolls. When the nagging little voice in your head tells you that you’re not good enough or that you’re being delusional for even trying, you remind yourself that this isn’t “you”, this is your character and you are inhabiting the role and play it out to the fullest.

You will be astounded at how well this works. Well, for a moment you’ll be astounded, and then you’ll feel like you’re an imposter somehow, like you’re tricking people into thinking that you’re this other person, this person who is “good enough” to have friends or to talk to strangers and to get dates. Except the only person you’re actually tricking is you. And what you’re doing is conning yourself into letting go of the bulls--t that’s holding you back.��Because here’s the thing: if you can go out, pretending that you’re the person you think you need to be in order to be social, and actually talk to people and make friends? Then what you’ve done is demonstrate to yourself that you are already this person. You don’t need to be thinner or have some excuse or reason to talk to people or to have accomplished this thing or passed that milestone. You’ve had these capabilities within you all this time and you’ve just given yourself permission to access it.

Now I want to be clear: this isn’t the same as not being nervous. Nor is it the same as not experiencing a sort of social stage-fright. You’re not trying to eliminate feeling. What you’re doing is eliminating the idea that you can’t do this or that you’re not “allowed” to or that you’re doing something wrong. It can still be uncomfortable or make you nervous, but that’s because it’s unfamiliar to you, which is very different from not being capable and even more different from not being “allowed to”. But that’s fine! The important thing is that you’re getting out of your own way. You’re not “trying”; you’re doing. You may do it and not succeed, but you’re still doing. And not succeeding doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy, any more than it means you’re a failure. It just means things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, this time. If you cannot succeed in other areas of your life without it being “proof” that you’re flawed or deficient, then you can apply that same feeling here.

But no amount of reading, no amount of how-to videos or prep work is going to make you ready. There’s no amount of research that you can do that will substitute for actually opening your mouth and making the words go. And there’s no amount of self-improvement that you can do that’s going to get you “ready” simply because you’re already there. You just have to do.

So like I said: stop thinking. Play the role, inhabit it and get out on stage and realize that you’re already exactly who you need to be in order to go out, make friends and find new people to become part of your life.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks in part to your advice (plus a lot of self-care, presenting a more authentic self, and just putting myself out there), I’m now in a relationship. Yay! Thank you!

… But while there are definitely differences, I’m also getting a bit of a sense of deja-vu from my last relationship, which did not end well.

I’m a bit of a classical, hopeless romantic. What I think of as just normal affirmation of my partner, other men might see as overly saccharine. And, for the most part, f--k ’em. That’s just how I show I care, and it brings a smile to her face, which is worth more than all the sneers of all the cynics.

But my last relationship… I could pick a few different reasons it ended and dates when the end could have started, but the reason that really stands out is that she had a really hard time loving herself, and it’s hard to love people who don’t think themselves worthy of it.

And the moment that really stands out for when that took a turn for the worst is “when the love poetry stopped” (note from my past self: love poetry is a lot easier to write when deep in the throes of NRE, and it can be a little jarring when the NRE runs out and the poetry disappears with it). My impression, which may have been tainted by the time that’s passed since then, is that that’s when her self-love stopped waxing and started waning.

In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I unintentionally love bombed that poor woman, so I’m toning things down a bit to — I hope — a more long-term, sustainable level. Less “Prince Charming,” more “sweet, caring partner.” And no love poetry, for now, at least.

But the new relationship still feels like it might be going down that same path. The specific, worrying thing I’m seeing repeated is that my partner is often asserting that she’s not good enough for me. That I’m this wonderful person she doesn’t deserve.

And while I try to assure her that she’s great and tell her why she is, I often feel like that gets filed under “Aw, you’re sweet and a good boyfriend” and not “This is something that he actually believes and I should believe, too.” Which is the wrong side of the balance sheet, if I want to fix “She doesn’t feel like she’s good enough for me.”

She IS good enough, or even better than. And maybe it’s the NRE talking, but I want this relationship to last a long, long time, and I’m afraid that won’t happen unless she starts believing it. So, what can I do to help that along?

I’m pretty sure she’s already going to therapy; I’m being specific and varied with my praise to make it more obvious that it’s genuine; I’m trying to demonstrate, however I can, that however happy I make her, she’s making me just as happy.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Thank you,

Reformed Love Bomber Is Trying To Be A Love Crop Duster

Being really romantic and demonstrative with someone you care about isn’t love bombing, in no small part because you’re not trying to control them, manipulate them or otherwise coerce them into something they might otherwise not choose on their own. It may be a bit much for some, and it may be cringe or a turn-off to others, but that’s emphatically not the same thing. 

I think it’s important to correct you on this, partially because using the term incorrectly diminishes it, especially as a potential warning sign, but also because it’s affecting how you’ve framed your situation to yourself.  

See, I think you’re asking the wrong question here… but not in the way that you might think. You seem to be coming to this from the position of “how do I fix my partner’s insecurity” and, well, you can’t. Or rather, you can’t. The change in emphasis is important because at the end of the day, self-esteem has to come from within. If someone doesn’t believe in themselves, no amount of believing in them for them is going to matter; that dark little voice in the back of their mind (that’s speaking in their voice) is going to have any number of reasons why that other person is lying at worst and deluded at best.

As much as it sucks, as much as we don’t want it to be true, you can’t love another person out of their own insecurities or mental health issues. That’s not how love works, nor is it how self-esteem or self-confidence works. At best, it’s a source of external validation, which can be great, don’t get me wrong… but external validation can’t fill the void that a lack of internal validation leaves. No amount of external validation will ever actually fill the hole, and if that supply of validation gets interrupted – like, say, when you pass out of the NRE phase of the relationship and you aren’t as effusive as you were at the start – the hole is still there, demanding to be fed.

You’ve already seen this with your previous relationship. You may even have experienced it yourself in some form or another. This isn’t to say that being your partner’s hype man and gassing them up is bad; it’s just that it’s not going to fix an internal problem. Internal problems require internal solutions.

Now, there’s a difference between trying to fix someone’s feeling that they’re not good enough for you and loving and supporting them and being their biggest fan and cheerleader. Part of the appeal of Gomez Addams is that he’s an unabashed Wife Guy, who thinks his lady is the reason the moon blocks out the cursed day star that waits to burn us with its hate. And that, I think, is far more helpful and useful for your purposes than trying to essentially ‘rescue’ your lady friend from herself.

Part of what I think you should do is work on recognizing where these feelings of “I don’t deserve you” are coming from. Someone who, for example, is coming from a history of toxic or abusive relationships may find being treated well by a partner to be uncomfortable, simply because it’s not what they’re used to. Someone who has an anxious, insecure attachment style, on the other hand, may feel like they have to “earn” someone’s love and affection, especially if they had neglectful parents or caregivers or their parents made affection contingent on “good” behavior.  If she’s had a string of partners who start all lovey-dovey but then the romance falls away when the other person got bored or never took it as seriously as she did, then she may be expecting the trend to continue, even as she blames herself for getting her hopes up again. It could well be, as the poet says, a matter of “After a while you’ll forget everything/ It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night’s fling/ And you’ll see that it’s time to move on…” and she’s trying to get out ahead of what she sees as the inevitable conclusion.

If you can zero in on the why of it, you may be better able to express your feelings for her in a way that she can accept and receive.

But a mistake that you’re making is that you accept the premise in the first place. When she says “I don’t deserve this” or “I’m not good enough”, telling her that she is good enough or does deserve you won’t necessarily make a difference, because it plays into the idea that love is earned, not given. As you say: it’s very easy to file that under “Well, he has to say that,” which makes it easier to disbelieve. But by focusing on the “I don’t deserve this” or “I’m not good enough”, you’re subtly – if inadvertently – reinforcing the idea that it is about being deserving or being ‘good enough’. Even though you think you’re refuting her, what you’re doing is saying that love is conditional on someone being “worthy”, which isn’t how love works.

So, what I would suggest is to instead say “see, I don’t care whether you’re ‘good enough’, that’s not a consideration. It wouldn’t stop me even if you weren’t. You’re you and that’s all I’m concerned with. I’m just gonna be good to you anyway, because you’re you.” If she says “I don’t deserve someone like you,” then you tell her   “Well, you’ve got me anyway, so you may as well get used to the idea.”

You don’t tell her that she’s worthy or deserving, you tell her that it’s not up to her; she’s not earning your love, you’re giving it to her.  If she thinks you’re wasting it on her, well it’s your love to waste, even though you reject the idea that it is a waste.��Can you give her reasons why you’re crazy about her? Absolutely. But don’t frame it as being worthy or deserving; frame it as “this is part of why I think you’re amazing” or “this is part of what makes you you”, so it’s not about her earning or deserving your attention but rather about her existing and being. 

And to be clear: this isn’t going to “fix” or change her, but that’s also not your job, nor is it within your skillset. You aren’t here to love her out of her low self-esteem. That is ultimately going to be her job. But you can be the guy who’s there to be keeping faith in her and supporting her, even when s--t falls apart, so that she has someone to help her back up to her feet and dust her off and get back to it when she struggles and stumbles. You’re not fighting this for her, you’re her cornerman.

So, focus less on changing her mind about what she “deserves” and instead reject the premise of being deserving entirely. Support her, hype her up, help pull her back on her feet when she needs it… but your giving her your time, love and attention are your choice to do so, not something that only happens when she’s “worthy”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going through the hardest moment of my life so far, at 24 years old.

A few days ago, I ended my first-ever romantic relationship. It was her first too. We were together for almost two incredible years — genuinely the best years I could have imagined. We met in a way that felt like it was out of a movie, and the connection we had was beyond anything I thought was possible. It doesn’t feel real that it’s over. It feels like something inside me is dying.

So, what went wrong? Was it cheating? Fights? A lack of love or chemistry? None of that.

We were truly perfect for each other. We trusted each other completely, communicated well, and shared amazing chemistry. But in the end, it came down to our futures not aligning.

To give some context: I’m from a Western European background and have spent most of my life in the U.S., but I always dreamed of moving back to Europe as an adult. My girlfriend’s story is different. Her family is from Eastern Europe and has been working toward building a life in the U.S. for over a decade. She and her sibling are already here, and soon her parents will join them. But her parents will rely on them completely —financially, socially, and emotionally — due to the major language barrier and other challenges. That means that staying with her would mean committing to a life where we’d never really have an independent household. We’d never get the chance to build a life that was just the two of us.

I think I could have lived with that — just to keep her. But the bigger issue is that a future in Europe, something I’ve dreamed of for so long, would be off the table. I care deeply about European culture, lifestyle, and even the career opportunities there. My own parents recently moved back to Europe, and my brother likely will too. If I stay here, I’ll be left completely alone in the U.S., with no family outside of my in-laws.

We talked through every possible compromise. The truth is, the only time we’d realistically be able to move to Europe together would be after both of our parents had passed. And by then, it would be too late to live that dream with the people I love. Not to mention I have been under immense family pressure to “follow the family plan” that inevitably pounded these worries into my head. Not sure if that’s relevant. Maybe, maybe not but it is certainly one of my doubts.

These dreams of mine disappeared after meeting her. But over the past several months, they started to resurface, and I couldn’t ignore them. I’ve made the decision to return to school for a master’s degree in Europe next year before it’s too late; would that option still have felt open to me five years from now. For obvious reasons, it forced our hand. We broke up — mutually, but painfully. So painfully.

Now I’m left wondering: was it worth it? Did I just give up the one person who will ever love me completely for who I am? Will I ever love someone the way I loved her? Right now, I just can’t see it. But staying scared me just as much.

I am constantly daydreaming of ways we still end up together, because to be honest I can’t envision a future without her.

Please, help me make sense of all of this. I feel like I’m drowning.

Separate Ways

DEAR SEPARATE WAYS: I know this is going to sound insincere or like I’m not taking your pain seriously and I absolutely am. This really sucks and I empathize. What’s happening now is… well, unfortunately, it’s series of lessons that everyone learns eventually, and that you can only learn them hard way.

At the risk of sounding like I’m dismissing your feelings, what you’re experiencing is premature enlightenment. It hurts and it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, in no small part because this is your very first love and you were feeling it so intensely precisely because it was your first. It was new, it was astounding, it was the first time you understand why poetry was important because that was the only way to put what you were feeling into words. And a feeling like that seems like it should be so incredibly strong, so incredibly important that no force in the Universe should be able to stand up before it.

And then you discover that this isn’t true. And that’s not even a slap to the face, that’s like someone has taken a sledgehammer to your chest. You’re knocked off your feet, you feel like your body has forgotten how to breathe and your limbs don’t seem to want to respond to your brain. The world has been turned upside down and what you thought was a fundamental law of the universe has been broken. How could this be? What kind of uncaring, capricious and cruel god could give you this feeling and then rip it away like that?

And that’s when you have learned: not every relationship is going to last forever, even when you both love each other to distraction. As much as it hurts and as unfair as it feels, love by itself isn’t enough to make a relationship work. This isn’t a case of anyone doing anything wrong or messing up. It’s not a matter of one or the other of you making the wrong choice or being selfish or whatever. There are wonderful relationships that ultimately have to end, simply because there was one factor that didn’t line up in such a way to make it possible to continue. And that’s what happened here. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s not the consequence of anyone’s actions. It’s just, well, life.

Here’s the thing you need to understand: love by itself isn’t enough to make a relationship last, but a relationship ending doesn’t mean that the relationship didn’t work. It’s not that you and your girlfriend weren’t right for each other. It’s that you were right for each other for that period of time.

Every single one of us is always growing and changing, every single day. When we’re in a relationship with someone, we are choosing to grow and change with them, and we do our best to ensure that we grow and change in ways that keep us together. But sometimes – many times, really – there comes a point where the way we’ve grown means that what was right for us at one part of our lives is no longer right for who we are and where we are now. You and your sweetie were perfect for one another in that golden time you had, but the people you are now are no longer the people you had been. Your needs are different and your circumstances have changed, which means what you have now doesn’t fit the way it did before. And that’s a shame. It really is. It hurts, and there’re few hurts quite like the first time you experience this. Few that hit you to the core of your being the way this pain does.

But the pain will fade. It doesn’t feel like it now, and it hurts so badly that you are absolutely, unquestionably sure that I couldn’t possibly understand it. It feels like nobody could feel this sort of loss and survive, never mind see a day when it doesn’t hurt this way. I promise you: it will ease in time. There is a day coming where you will be surprised to realize that it doesn’t hurt like it did, when you can breathe a little easier without that hitch in your ribs. You will be more surprised to notice it by its absence than by anything else. It may feel now like this day will never come, but I promise you that it is coming and sooner than you realize.

I want you to know this truth: this is not the end of love for you. The lesson you are learning now, the one that you won’t want to learn, is that this was not the only person you could love, nor the only person who could love you. There is no One, simply because there will be many Ones in your life, and each will be unique and each will be special because they will be the One for who you are in that moment. This relationship isn’t any less special because it didn’t end with the two of you dying in the saddle together. It’s not that you didn’t love each other enough to overcome this. It’s simply that this relationship reached its natural conclusion, and where the two of you were growing together, you are now going to grow separately, in your own ways and on your own paths.

It’s entirely possible that this isn’t the end for the two of you. There’s always the chance that your fates will intertwine again in ways that you can’t predict or see coming. But you can’t rely on that either. You need to accept that this love story, as wonderful as it was, has reached its final chapter, and its time for your next chapter to begin. Trying to hold onto it past its natural conclusion only holds you back and keeps you from the growth that needs to happen now.

Take time to mourn this loss. Something beautiful has come to an end and that deserves attention. It deserves the respect of your tears. It deserves the acknowledgement of the passing of an age. But in every ending, a new beginning is born. This new stage of your life like a phoenix – the burning flames are what enable the new growth to happen.

It will get better. The pain will ease and your heart will heal. There will be love in the future. It won’t be the same as this, but no love will ever be the same as the one before it. Each will be special and unique and wonderful and terrible in its own way.

The pain won’t last forever and the tears will dry. You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com