DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My girlfriend split up from her ex of 7 years almost 2 years ago, and they have a 2-and-a-half-year-old together. Co-parenting with the ex has gotten worse and worse, to the point where the ex and his lawyer slandered me in their objection to our recent move (namely because they don’t have anything else to stand on).

Before communication started breaking down about a year ago, her ex had insisted she had his DS and games, yearbooks, and a few other books and that he should get to come over and go through all her stuff to find them. He’d also demanded that she still “owed him nudes and/or sex.” She told him that if she found the items, she would return them, reminded him he had a new girlfriend now, and otherwise skipped over the part where he demanded to be let in and demanded nudes, telling me it wasn’t worth the fight. She told me that he had a habit of stealing from places they went to together and she didn’t want to give him the opportunity to steal from her, and I believe her as she’s stuck up for him in areas she didn’t have to.

Over the Christmas holidays when we were decorating, she found some family ornaments of her ex’s and his brothers’ in the Christmas box and attempted to give them back to him when she picked their son up. He almost flung them back in her face and said “oh, now you want to give stuff back?” and slammed the door in her face.

Flash forward to moving recently. We started finding a few more items of his here and there as we were packing up, and when her ex came over to pick up their son for the weekend, we had 2 fantasy books of his and his class ring. My girlfriend said “here’s your stuff!” in a bright and cheery voice, and I kid you not, the ex turned away, picked up their son, and nearly sprinted away. We were left in the doorway blinking with the books and the ring.

And then you guessed it: we did find the DS and games. They’d accidentally gotten packed up in her stuff when she’d hurriedly moved out. However, he never let her back in the house (they owned together) since July of last year and sold in October, and he presumably threw out her remaining items. She had asked repeatedly for items she’d left behind but he wouldn’t let her in and wouldn’t give her anything.

I’m torn on what we should do. Obviously, the ex did ask for them back and we do have them, even though we originally thought he was using it as an excuse to go through her stuff. My girlfriend thinks we should still give them back, but it doesn’t feel worth it to me at this point. It just opens up their son’s transition time to hostility (recently, my girlfriend was trying to soothe their son when he started crying at pickup, telling him she was sorry it was hard. Her ex hissed at her “No, you’re not, don’t f--king lie”). And since we’re in a court battle, I don’t want him to be able to claim he never received the items if we drop it off with one of his relatives.

I want to model good behavior for their son as well, even though he’s a little young to be understanding the nuances. It doesn’t feel 100% right to just give the items back to his dad when his dad has been so nasty, but I recognize I don’t own them, either. My mom suggested keeping the sentimental and/or valuable items for the son when he gets older, but that’s not exactly correct, either, as the items didn’t originally belong to him and his dad isn’t dead.

Do you think we should make one last effort to try and give back at least the DS and some games (gf says some of them are hers but isn’t 100% sure which are which)? Or do you think that proverbial ship has sailed with his behavior the last few times we tried to give him his stuff back?

Sincerely,

Trying to Step-Parent Responsibly

DEAR TRYING TO STEP-PARENT RESPONSIBLY: a I understand the feeling that you shouldn’t reward someone’s s--tty behavior, and I certainly understand the appeal of a break-up tax. I also understand wanting to model good behavior for your girlfriend’s son. But seeing as you casually mention that there’s actual litigation involved here, I think that this is the sort of situation where the only reasonable and responsible answer is “talk to your lawyer,” especially if said court cases involve a custody dispute. This is one of those times where doing what seems right (or satisfyingly petty) is precisely the sort of thing that some unscrupulous lawyer could turn against you, and you don’t need to make their job any easier.

Admittedly, seeing as his lawyer seems to be on board with this s--tty behavior, I’d think a formal complaint to the state bar association might be in order, especially if he’s throwing around accusations in open court. Unfortunately, I suspect that unless you can actually prove slander, it might be an uphill climb; a lot of people will throw complaints at the opposing council during contentious divorces or custody disputes. Check your state’s bar website for the relevant information about whether filing a formal complaint would be in order; the grievance committee would have the relevant information and staffers who could help find it.

As it is, I strongly recommend documenting her exes’ behavior whenever possible and saving whatever emails, texts and letters he’s sent. If, for example, he texted her that she still “owes him nudes and/or sex”, those are precisely the sort of things that you should be saving and archiving for her lawyer. And while she may not necessarily have video evidence of his behavior when she’s picking her son up or trying to return his stuff, having a list of dates, times and what her ex said and did can be very helpful if and when she decides that it is worth the hassle of sorting this out in court.

(For the record, I think it’s usually worth it, and doubly so in this case. If he’s making demands for nude pictures or sex, then a case could be made that he’s attempting blackmail or extortion; as it is, that’s the sort of behavior that makes lawyers start to drool…)  

Documentation is always your friend when it comes to these sorts of matters, up to and including trying to return things to a contentious ex or get personal items back. Having that dated list of, say, times she tried to return his stuff or when he refused to let her into their communal property will be handy when paired with evidence of good-faith efforts on her part to return his belongings.

And that’s precisely why it’s time to quit dealing with him face to face and to deal with him through the federal government – specifically, the US Postal Service. Rather than giving him the opportunity to lie and say that she never actually returned his things, box them up and send them as a certified package with a delivery receipt – especially requiring that they sign for delivery. Document what’s in the box with pictures, get pics of the box with the certified sticker and return receipt attached and send it on its merry way. Even if he refuses to sign and accept delivery, certified mail will confirm a delivery attempt was made.

And sending it to his relatives, at the very least, means the two of you made a good faith effort to get it to him. If he refuses to get it from his relatives or they never contact him about it, that’s on them.

Seeing as you two are dealing with him in court, you want to be able to show that you’ve been going above and beyond in trying to be reasonable and to handle things like mature, grown-ass adults, and he’s being a belligerent little s--t. Having proof that you’ve been trying to return his things and he’s been metaphorically (and apparently, literally) throwing them back in your face will go a long, long way to improving your position with the judge. Doubly so if you have other documentation about his bad – and frankly offensive – behavior. So document everything with exact times, dates and locations, use the services offered by the federal government to prove that you’ve been making a sincere effort and otherwise avoid dealing with him in person as much as you reasonably can. There’s no point in drawing more aggro than is actually necessary, especially if he’s going to be acting like a weird little freak in front of his son.

However, I will remind you: not only is Dr. NerdLove not a doctor, he’s also absolutely not a lawyer or legal expert in any way, shape or form, so talk to your lawyer about all of this. Get their input before you do anything else; there’s no point in the court case any easier on her s--tty ex.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m sure you get a bunch of questions like this, but here goes. I’m a 35-year-old trans guy on the spectrum, and okay with being single. But I’m open to that changing, too, since circumstances are going to force me to change jobs soon, which will have me surrounded by new people.

Two problems keep coming up though. One, I know I’m very cat-social and need to sorta feel people out before I can even think of them as friends. Two, I’m hyperaware of negative, “look at this incel” tropes that get attached to guys like me in pop culture. Yes, I have some degree of anxiety. And yes, I know it can stem from all the social trial-and-error that autism just kinda necessitates. But there has to be a specific way to boost my confidence in case someone shows interest, right?

Feral Cat Attachment Style

DEAR FERAL CAT ATTACHMENT STYLE: I’m going to give you something that will set you free, FCA: when you meet people, assume they like you already. Just as importantly: assume people aren’t mad at you unless they tell you so, directly and unequivocally. Both of these mental reframes will serve you well with meeting people in general and quieting your social anxiety.

Now hold onto those for a second while I help break this down for you. Let’s start with an obvious truth: you’re autistic. Part of what causes a lot of stress for folks with varying flavors of neurodivergence is trying to behave like we aren’t. Yeah, society still pushes people to mask or pretend that the way autism or other neurodivergent conditions affect us are optional. That doesn’t actually change things, especially where your own needs and challenges come into play. It’s possible to get better at reading social cues or picking up on subtext through rote memorization and sheer practice, sure. But life overall will be a lot easier if you state what your needs are – making it clear for example, that you’re not good with subtext and you appreciate it when folks are direct with you. The same goes for saying “I honestly can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or sincere” or asking for clarification when you don’t understand.

It can feel awkward at first, but only at first. The ease at which you’ll have moving through the world by pushing past that awkwardness and turning expressing those needs into muscle memory will make everything else far easier and less confusing. It’ll even free up your mental bandwidth for being able to learn to read subtle cues more effectively when you need to. After all, it’s a lot easier to run a memory intensive program when you don’t have sixteen other apps also sucking up all the available RAM.

Now here’s another important truth: don’t take on responsibility for what other people think, especially when you don’t know what they think. Don’t assume, especially when those assumptions are built primarily on your anxiety, anxiety that you know you already have. Anxiety lies. It lies all the time. And one of the ways that it lies is that it makes things seem far more ubiquitous and universal than they actually are.

Your comment about negative incel stereotypes about “guys like you” is a big one. Let’s break it down for a second: what do you mean, precisely, by guys like you? Trans men? Autistic trans men? Or older virgin men? Because here’s the thing: “incel” and “incel vibes” doesn’t mean that being a virgin, even a virgin in his 30s. The term “incel” has evolved since it was coined and escaped containment into the modern parlance. Being an incel isn’t about sexual experience or lack-thereof, it specifically refers to the anger, bitterness, entitlement, self-hate and misogyny (and often with misandry and racism for flavor) that grew in the incel community like rapidly metastasizing cancers.

That doesn’t sound like you, or even something that you need to worry about people thinking about you. Nobody is going to look at a guy at work, even someone who may be a little shy or awkward at first, and think “well, this guy’s going to end up in the news for driving a truck into a crowd.” They’re just going to assume that you’re maybe a little shy, maybe a little reserved, until given reason to think otherwise.

In fact, nobody’s going to know you’re a virgin unless you actually tell them. Despite how your anxiety and self-consciousness makes it feel, there are no body language signals or social behaviors or cues that will cause people to clock that you’re a visitor from the Land of the Great Untouched. Nobody will come by and say “hmm, ah 1990, a good year for not getting any” like they’re some sort of f--k sommelier. Nor, for that matter, will most folks care. Not only is it none of their business, but they have no reason to care. One of the great secrets that it seems everyone has to relearn is that we are all way too hung up in our own bulls--t to give much attention to someone else’s. The topic of your sex life (or lack thereof) simply isn’t going to be a matter of concern for anyone, especially if they don’t know you well.

If you’re not radiating hate or resentment for being King of No Bitches �– and it certainly sounds like you aren’t – nobody’s going to assume that about you. Not even if they know you’re autistic. Or trans. Or a virgin. That’s just your anxiety talking and, as we said: anxiety lies. That’s why we call it “anxiety”.

It’s when you let your anxiety dictate your behavior that you run into problems, because you are reacting to things that aren’t necessarily there. That can end up making things harder for you because you are responding to things that haven’t happened. Not even “haven’t happened yet” but “haven’t happened at all”.

Hence the two mindsets I told you about up top. The former is like a Jedi mind trick that you’re doing not just on other people but on yourself. By assuming that people already like you, you are encouraging yourself to behave as though they like you. That means that your body language will be warmer, more open and inviting – as it is with people you are friends with. You will also prime your brain to see things in a more positive light; you’ll be interpreting what they say and the way they say it in ways that make sense if they already like you and think you’re cool. That, too, will affect how you behave with others. And because you are behaving with more personal warmth and friendliness, they’ll be more likely to respond in kind.

Even if you have to give it a few tries of metaphorically sniffing their finger and flinching before you can call them friends, it’ll still be the vibe of a cat that wants to be friends and is trying to trust, not a feral that’s as likely to hiss and scratch as ask for ear rubs. People can tell the difference between someone who’s friendly but shy and someone who’s antisocial.

Similarly, by assuming that people aren’t mad at you unless and until they actually tell you, you are giving yourself permission to doubt your anxiety. You are acknowledging to yourself that hey, you’re not great at interpreting some things and your anxiety means that you’re prone to read meaning that isn’t there. By saying “unless they tell me they’re upset at me, I will believe they are not”, you free yourself from the grip the anxiety has and you don’t have to spend energy and brain cycles trying to be a code breaker, with other people’s moods as the cyphered text. You also aren’t having to labor under the fear that you’ve f--ked up somehow or that everyone dislikes you but also doesn’t respect you enough to tell you to your face. You’re free to just… exist. To take life as it seems to be on the surface.

And here’s the thing that even anxiety-free, neurotypical people often forget too: 99% of life is exactly as it seems on the surface. The amount of subterfuge and coded meaning that people expect or think exists is mostly fiction or specific environments. You’re not living in a world where everyone’s playing poker and having elaborate bluffs at all times; most folks are just trying to get through the day and their secret desires are usually wishing they got extra chips at lunch.

Assume people are friendly and like you already and that they aren’t mad unless they say so. It’ll make the rest much, much easier and happier for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I pen this missive from the very depths of what can only be described as a romantic abyss, a chasm so deep and echoing with loneliness that even my own sighs sound like mournful whale song. I am a man teetering on the precipice of… well, continued celibacy, unless your wisdom can illuminate a path through my particularly thorny thicket of filial piety and forbidden desires.

You see, I am a Chinese man, and I share my abode – nay, my very existence – with a creature of legend, a force of nature, the indomitable Tiger Mother. She is, in her own way, magnificent: a whirlwind of ambition (for me, primarily), discipline (again, for me), and a traditional conservatism so profound it makes ancient scrolls look like radical manifestos. Her love for me is undeniable, expressed primarily through relentless pressure to excel academically and professionally. Socializing? A frivolous distraction. Dating? Anathema, a siren song luring me away from the glorious shores of a PhD and a six-figure salary.

Every fiber of her being, every carefully chosen word, every disapproving glance when I so much as look at my phone for too long, screams “Study! Work! Succeed! Love is for later, much later, probably after you’ve cured a major disease and won a Nobel Prize, and even then, I’ll pick her.” Moving out, you ask? Ha! The very suggestion would likely cause her to spontaneously combust, or worse, unleash a lecture series on the sacred duty of a son that would span several lunar cycles. I am, for all intents and purposes, a well-educated, gainfully employed prisoner in a gilded cage of familial expectation.

And yet, a traitorous heart beats within this dutiful chest. It yearns! It longs! Not for grand, sweeping romance just yet (though one can dream, can’t one?), but for something… simpler. A coffee. A shared laugh. The flutter of nerves before a casual date. The simple, human experience of getting to know someone, perhaps even holding a hand without it immediately triggering a mental calculation of wedding banquet costs. I wish to date casually, to dip a toe into the waters of modern romance, to feel, for a fleeting moment, like a normal young man.

But here, my dear sage, is where my pathetic plight curdles into a truly Sisyphean comedy of errors. To pursue even the most innocent liaison, I must operate with the stealth and cunning of a covert operative. Every text message is a coded transmission, every potential outing a meticulously planned black-ops mission, conducted far from the all-seeing eye of my maternal warden.

And the women? Ah, the women! The ones I find myself drawn to, the ones who might understand the delicate cultural tightrope I walk, are often, by some cruel cosmic joke, in the exact same predicament. They too reside under the watchful gaze of their own Tiger Parents. And their parents, bless their traditional hearts, have a system. Oh, do they have a system. Before their precious daughters can even think about sharing a bubble tea with a suitor, said suitor (that’s me, in this tragicomedy) must undergo a rigorous parental approval process. This isn’t a casual meet-and-greet; it’s an interrogation, a background check, a dynastic compatibility assessment rolled into one terrifying tea ceremony.

And here’s the kicker, the real twist of the knife in my already bleeding romantic aspirations: if, by some miracle, I pass this parental gauntlet, if I am deemed “suitable,” the casual dating dream evaporates like morning mist. Parental approval automatically catapults the relationship into SERIOUS territory. We are now, by unspoken decree, monogamous. We are, by implicit understanding, on the slow but inexorable march towards marriage. There is no “let’s just see where this goes.” It goes towards a red envelope filled with wedding money, and quickly.

So, you see my dilemma? To date casually, I must deceive my mother. To date the women I’m interested in casually, I must also help them deceive their parents. We become co-conspirators in a multi-layered charade of clandestine coffee dates and whispered phone calls, all while pretending to our respective parental units that our social lives are as barren as the Gobi Desert. It’s exhausting! It’s unsustainable! It makes the very idea of a “casual date” feel like attempting to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle on a high wire, with both sets of parents holding the safety net hostage.

What am I to do? How does one navigate this minefield of maternal expectation and potential-in-law scrutiny, all for the sake of a simple, uncomplicated date? Is there a secret handshake for culturally-constricted Casanovas? Are there underground support groups?

My hope, a tiny, flickering ember in the vast darkness of my romantic despair, rests with you. Please, shed some light. Tell me there’s a way. Tell me I’m not doomed to a life of academic achievement and utter, soul-crushing loneliness, punctuated only by the occasional, terrifyingly high-stakes covert operation for a cup of tea.

With a heart heavy with unspent affection and a schedule full of secret plotting,

Yours in desperate hope,

Tiger Baby (and my ever-watchful mother, who probably already knows I’m writing this somehow).

DEAR TIGER BABY: Right, I guess we get to do this again. TB, I understand that you’re trying to be clever and expressive, but when your writing makes you sound like you’re trying to channel Oscar Wilde and Sephiroth, it ends up working against you. At best, the florid prose gets in the way of what you’re trying to actually ask and at worst it makes you come across as someone who thinks this is a substitute for having a personality.

I realize I’m the God-Emperor of “Why use one word when five will do”, but this ultimately ends up bloating your letter to the point where it gets hard to separate your actual issue from the rhetorical flourishes. You don’t need to be Hemingway, but you don’t need to be Abelard writing letters to Heloise either.

With that in mind: I actually had to read your letter multiple times because there’s a few important data points that I’m just not seeing here. The first is very simple: how old are you and the women you’re trying to date? Context clues would suggest that you’re at least over 18, which is makes you a legal adult in most countries, so your mother would hold little legal sway over your choices.

The second is: how much actual leverage does your mother have over you? I don’t mean parental disapproval or cultural pressure – we’ll get to that in a moment. I mean actual, significant means that she could use to ensure and enforce your obedience. From the sounds of things, you’re not in college and you’re employed full-time and you live at home. It doesn’t sound as though your mom is continuing to pay the tuition fees for your education or that you are contractually indebted to her in some way (inter-family loans to cover major purchases or tuition and so-on). From a strictly pragmatic perspective, unless you’ve left something relevant and important out, this is ultimately about emotional control, not financial. You’re not at risk of having to drop out of college or being homeless and destitute if you risk your mother’s displeasure.

So, assuming I’m correct about these, your mother has very little actual leverage over you. The biggest impediment to dating the way you would want to is, well, you.

Now, I get the social pressure and expectation. I’m a middle-aged white dude, so it’s easy for me to say “so what’s the problem,” especially since my personal view is that tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. I don’t have the same cultural upbringing, haven’t lived my life with that as being part of the ocean I swim in, and I’m not going to have the same reaction to that pressure. My advice should be taken with all appropriate amounts of salt with that in mind.

But while I may not grok the level of pressure and tradition you’re dealing with, I feel like (and hope that) I’m at least comprehending it. Socialization is a motherf--ker and it can be really hard to push back against social norms and expectations that you’ve been raised in all your life. Doubly so if you live in a community where everyone lives under similar expectations and there’s not just familial but societal pressure to conform. Breaking with those norms means risking social opprobrium and issues within your community. That s--t is hard to shake.

However, it is also all that’s standing between the life you want and the life you feel like you “have” to lead. You’re going to have to decide which is more important to you – having the freedom to date who you want, have the kinds of relationships you want to have and generally be in control of your own destiny – or acceding to your mother’s wishes.

So, you basically have three choices here. One is to keep your head down, play the dutiful son and wait until your mom passes away so that you can finally live how you want. The second is to try to date the way that Cold War era spies used to have to sneak in and out of East Berlin to see their contacts and cut-outs. The third is to stop fearing parental disapproval and make your mother fear your disapproval.

Now, are there ways you could date on the down-low? Sure… as long as you don’t mind having to be relentlessly paranoid while also relying on third parties to help run cover for you. You and your dates could communicate exclusively on Signal or apps that automatically delete messages after reading them. Seeing as your mother has full access to your phone, you’d have to use the Android or iOS “Hide App” feature to keep her off your back. You’d also need confederates to help at least create the illusion of group outings with friends that would allow you to sneak away and meet up with your sweetie and hope that your friends are good at keeping their stories straight. You also have to hope that anyone you date, even casually, is equally as conscious and dedicated to their privacy and security, as are your (and their) co-conspirators. As Leverage has taught us again and again: people are the weak point in every security system. The more people involved in the conspiracy, the less secret it becomes and the more likely it’ll be revealed.

But hey, at least then you could see just how long your relationships could last under the strain of never knowing who you can trust with your secrets and who is likely to blab – deliberately or by accident or through poor social op-sec – and never being comfortable being seen in public with your snugglebunny in case someone spots you together and word gets back anyway.

(You may want to ask some queer friends with homophobic or transphobic parents how much ‘fun’ that can be, incidentally. Especially now that the US government is ready to shove every LGBTQ+ person back into the closet or else.)

Or you can decide that you’re a grown-ass adult and while the lectures may be excoriating and the disapproval can sting… you don’t actually have to listen. To quote Da Share Zone: just walk out. You can leave. You can, in fact, not wait for the lecture to finish. You are able to turn on your heel in mid-sentence and walk away, hang up the phone without waiting for her to so much as pause for breath or otherwise not give her any more of your time and attention in this matter than you want. Will she combust and yell about the sting of an ungrateful child? OK… and? A temper tantrum for not getting one’s way is still a temper tantrum, even when the person throwing it is in their 40s, 50s or older, and you don’t reward a temper tantrum by giving the person what they want.

Will it suck for a bit? Sure. You love your mother, even if she’s a major pain in your ass and living barricade to your social life. Her blowing up at you and being both hurt and angry are going to sting, possibly quite a lot. You don’t want to disappoint her or hurt her and that’s entirely understandable.��But the point of being a parent is to one day stop being a parent. There comes a point where the kids are going to leave home and live their own lives; it’s just a matter of when and under what circumstances. What your mom’s doing is continuing to treat you as a child, regardless of your age. Even when it’s coming from a place of wanting what she thinks is the best for you and wanting you to succeed, it’s still stifling.

Your presence in her life is optional and conditional, and you are the only person who gets to decide what those conditions are. You can make it clear that while you love her and care for her, you’re not going to be present as long as she treats you like a child or a project to manage. She can treat you like an adult or she can kick rocks. And “I’ll treat you like an adult when you act like one” or similar statements puts her squarely in “kick rocks” territory.

And to be clear: it’s entirely possible that this will mean not seeing your mother for a long time. There’re folks who could medal in grudge-holding for the Olympics. They’re ones who have resolved that they’ll heal in Hell. But there is a point in every estranged parent’s life where they have to decide whether they love their kids more than they want to hold onto whatever moral victory they think they have. They may never admit that they were wrong… but they can at least bend enough to put it aside in the name of actually having a relationship with their children. Hopefully, if you take this route, your mother would be one of those, and who would get there sooner rather than later.

But like I said: it’s ultimately going to come down to choices. And yes, those choices will have consequences; every choice does. You just have to decide whether those potential consequences and what they bring with them are a price you’re willing to pay.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com