DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I pen this missive from the very depths of what can only be described as a romantic abyss, a chasm so deep and echoing with loneliness that even my own sighs sound like mournful whale song. I am a man teetering on the precipice of… well, continued celibacy, unless your wisdom can illuminate a path through my particularly thorny thicket of filial piety and forbidden desires.

You see, I am a Chinese man, and I share my abode – nay, my very existence – with a creature of legend, a force of nature, the indomitable Tiger Mother. She is, in her own way, magnificent: a whirlwind of ambition (for me, primarily), discipline (again, for me), and a traditional conservatism so profound it makes ancient scrolls look like radical manifestos. Her love for me is undeniable, expressed primarily through relentless pressure to excel academically and professionally. Socializing? A frivolous distraction. Dating? Anathema, a siren song luring me away from the glorious shores of a PhD and a six-figure salary.

Every fiber of her being, every carefully chosen word, every disapproving glance when I so much as look at my phone for too long, screams “Study! Work! Succeed! Love is for later, much later, probably after you’ve cured a major disease and won a Nobel Prize, and even then, I’ll pick her.” Moving out, you ask? Ha! The very suggestion would likely cause her to spontaneously combust, or worse, unleash a lecture series on the sacred duty of a son that would span several lunar cycles. I am, for all intents and purposes, a well-educated, gainfully employed prisoner in a gilded cage of familial expectation.

And yet, a traitorous heart beats within this dutiful chest. It yearns! It longs! Not for grand, sweeping romance just yet (though one can dream, can’t one?), but for something… simpler. A coffee. A shared laugh. The flutter of nerves before a casual date. The simple, human experience of getting to know someone, perhaps even holding a hand without it immediately triggering a mental calculation of wedding banquet costs. I wish to date casually, to dip a toe into the waters of modern romance, to feel, for a fleeting moment, like a normal young man.

But here, my dear sage, is where my pathetic plight curdles into a truly Sisyphean comedy of errors. To pursue even the most innocent liaison, I must operate with the stealth and cunning of a covert operative. Every text message is a coded transmission, every potential outing a meticulously planned black-ops mission, conducted far from the all-seeing eye of my maternal warden.

And the women? Ah, the women! The ones I find myself drawn to, the ones who might understand the delicate cultural tightrope I walk, are often, by some cruel cosmic joke, in the exact same predicament. They too reside under the watchful gaze of their own Tiger Parents. And their parents, bless their traditional hearts, have a system. Oh, do they have a system. Before their precious daughters can even think about sharing a bubble tea with a suitor, said suitor (that’s me, in this tragicomedy) must undergo a rigorous parental approval process. This isn’t a casual meet-and-greet; it’s an interrogation, a background check, a dynastic compatibility assessment rolled into one terrifying tea ceremony.

And here’s the kicker, the real twist of the knife in my already bleeding romantic aspirations: if, by some miracle, I pass this parental gauntlet, if I am deemed “suitable,” the casual dating dream evaporates like morning mist. Parental approval automatically catapults the relationship into SERIOUS territory. We are now, by unspoken decree, monogamous. We are, by implicit understanding, on the slow but inexorable march towards marriage. There is no “let’s just see where this goes.” It goes towards a red envelope filled with wedding money, and quickly.

So, you see my dilemma? To date casually, I must deceive my mother. To date the women I’m interested in casually, I must also help them deceive their parents. We become co-conspirators in a multi-layered charade of clandestine coffee dates and whispered phone calls, all while pretending to our respective parental units that our social lives are as barren as the Gobi Desert. It’s exhausting! It’s unsustainable! It makes the very idea of a “casual date” feel like attempting to juggle flaming torches while riding a unicycle on a high wire, with both sets of parents holding the safety net hostage.

What am I to do? How does one navigate this minefield of maternal expectation and potential-in-law scrutiny, all for the sake of a simple, uncomplicated date? Is there a secret handshake for culturally-constricted Casanovas? Are there underground support groups?

My hope, a tiny, flickering ember in the vast darkness of my romantic despair, rests with you. Please, shed some light. Tell me there’s a way. Tell me I’m not doomed to a life of academic achievement and utter, soul-crushing loneliness, punctuated only by the occasional, terrifyingly high-stakes covert operation for a cup of tea.

With a heart heavy with unspent affection and a schedule full of secret plotting,

Yours in desperate hope,

Tiger Baby (and my ever-watchful mother, who probably already knows I’m writing this somehow).

DEAR TIGER BABY: Right, I guess we get to do this again. TB, I understand that you’re trying to be clever and expressive, but when your writing makes you sound like you’re trying to channel Oscar Wilde and Sephiroth, it ends up working against you. At best, the florid prose gets in the way of what you’re trying to actually ask and at worst it makes you come across as someone who thinks this is a substitute for having a personality.

I realize I’m the God-Emperor of “Why use one word when five will do”, but this ultimately ends up bloating your letter to the point where it gets hard to separate your actual issue from the rhetorical flourishes. You don’t need to be Hemingway, but you don’t need to be Abelard writing letters to Heloise either.

With that in mind: I actually had to read your letter multiple times because there’s a few important data points that I’m just not seeing here. The first is very simple: how old are you and the women you’re trying to date? Context clues would suggest that you’re at least over 18, which is makes you a legal adult in most countries, so your mother would hold little legal sway over your choices.

The second is: how much actual leverage does your mother have over you? I don’t mean parental disapproval or cultural pressure – we’ll get to that in a moment. I mean actual, significant means that she could use to ensure and enforce your obedience. From the sounds of things, you’re not in college and you’re employed full-time and you live at home. It doesn’t sound as though your mom is continuing to pay the tuition fees for your education or that you are contractually indebted to her in some way (inter-family loans to cover major purchases or tuition and so-on). From a strictly pragmatic perspective, unless you’ve left something relevant and important out, this is ultimately about emotional control, not financial. You’re not at risk of having to drop out of college or being homeless and destitute if you risk your mother’s displeasure.

So, assuming I’m correct about these, your mother has very little actual leverage over you. The biggest impediment to dating the way you would want to is, well, you.

Now, I get the social pressure and expectation. I’m a middle-aged white dude, so it’s easy for me to say “so what’s the problem,” especially since my personal view is that tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. I don’t have the same cultural upbringing, haven’t lived my life with that as being part of the ocean I swim in, and I’m not going to have the same reaction to that pressure. My advice should be taken with all appropriate amounts of salt with that in mind.

But while I may not grok the level of pressure and tradition you’re dealing with, I feel like (and hope that) I’m at least comprehending it. Socialization is a motherf--ker and it can be really hard to push back against social norms and expectations that you’ve been raised in all your life. Doubly so if you live in a community where everyone lives under similar expectations and there’s not just familial but societal pressure to conform. Breaking with those norms means risking social opprobrium and issues within your community. That s--t is hard to shake.

However, it is also all that’s standing between the life you want and the life you feel like you “have” to lead. You’re going to have to decide which is more important to you – having the freedom to date who you want, have the kinds of relationships you want to have and generally be in control of your own destiny – or acceding to your mother’s wishes.

So, you basically have three choices here. One is to keep your head down, play the dutiful son and wait until your mom passes away so that you can finally live how you want. The second is to try to date the way that Cold War era spies used to have to sneak in and out of East Berlin to see their contacts and cut-outs. The third is to stop fearing parental disapproval and make your mother fear your disapproval.

Now, are there ways you could date on the down-low? Sure… as long as you don’t mind having to be relentlessly paranoid while also relying on third parties to help run cover for you. You and your dates could communicate exclusively on Signal or apps that automatically delete messages after reading them. Seeing as your mother has full access to your phone, you’d have to use the Android or iOS “Hide App” feature to keep her off your back. You’d also need confederates to help at least create the illusion of group outings with friends that would allow you to sneak away and meet up with your sweetie and hope that your friends are good at keeping their stories straight. You also have to hope that anyone you date, even casually, is equally as conscious and dedicated to their privacy and security, as are your (and their) co-conspirators. As Leverage has taught us again and again: people are the weak point in every security system. The more people involved in the conspiracy, the less secret it becomes and the more likely it’ll be revealed.

But hey, at least then you could see just how long your relationships could last under the strain of never knowing who you can trust with your secrets and who is likely to blab – deliberately or by accident or through poor social op-sec – and never being comfortable being seen in public with your snugglebunny in case someone spots you together and word gets back anyway.

(You may want to ask some queer friends with homophobic or transphobic parents how much ‘fun’ that can be, incidentally. Especially now that the US government is ready to shove every LGBTQ+ person back into the closet or else.)

Or you can decide that you’re a grown-ass adult and while the lectures may be excoriating and the disapproval can sting… you don’t actually have to listen. To quote Da Share Zone: just walk out. You can leave. You can, in fact, not wait for the lecture to finish. You are able to turn on your heel in mid-sentence and walk away, hang up the phone without waiting for her to so much as pause for breath or otherwise not give her any more of your time and attention in this matter than you want. Will she combust and yell about the sting of an ungrateful child? OK… and? A temper tantrum for not getting one’s way is still a temper tantrum, even when the person throwing it is in their 40s, 50s or older, and you don’t reward a temper tantrum by giving the person what they want.

Will it suck for a bit? Sure. You love your mother, even if she’s a major pain in your ass and living barricade to your social life. Her blowing up at you and being both hurt and angry are going to sting, possibly quite a lot. You don’t want to disappoint her or hurt her and that’s entirely understandable.��But the point of being a parent is to one day stop being a parent. There comes a point where the kids are going to leave home and live their own lives; it’s just a matter of when and under what circumstances. What your mom’s doing is continuing to treat you as a child, regardless of your age. Even when it’s coming from a place of wanting what she thinks is the best for you and wanting you to succeed, it’s still stifling.

Your presence in her life is optional and conditional, and you are the only person who gets to decide what those conditions are. You can make it clear that while you love her and care for her, you’re not going to be present as long as she treats you like a child or a project to manage. She can treat you like an adult or she can kick rocks. And “I’ll treat you like an adult when you act like one” or similar statements puts her squarely in “kick rocks” territory.

And to be clear: it’s entirely possible that this will mean not seeing your mother for a long time. There’re folks who could medal in grudge-holding for the Olympics. They’re ones who have resolved that they’ll heal in Hell. But there is a point in every estranged parent’s life where they have to decide whether they love their kids more than they want to hold onto whatever moral victory they think they have. They may never admit that they were wrong… but they can at least bend enough to put it aside in the name of actually having a relationship with their children. Hopefully, if you take this route, your mother would be one of those, and who would get there sooner rather than later.

But like I said: it’s ultimately going to come down to choices. And yes, those choices will have consequences; every choice does. You just have to decide whether those potential consequences and what they bring with them are a price you’re willing to pay.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I went to PAX recently and wanted to see if I could make some approaches while I was there. I went with some friends too to ease the tension but it just made it worse. I was so self-conscious they would judge me for trying to talk to someone. The one person I did talk to and politely asked for a picture with her (cosplayer) said yes very reluctantly and gave me a “f--k off” look after it was over. All I asked for was a picture and walked away. That threw me off for the rest of my time there.

It seemed to me like everyone didn’t really want to meet people and just wanted to stay in their own group and enjoy PAX privately. I felt like I would be a massive creep just walking up to someone and trying to start friendly conversation. I thought Cons were supposed to be great places to meet people but now I’m not so sure. I still enjoyed PAX and got lots of merch there and chilled with friends but I failed my secondary objective hard.

I know I have approach anxiety but I don’t know if I was reading the room wrong or if things really were as they looked. Was I just not trying hard enough? I’m so scared of making someone uncomfortable and after the cosplayer gave me that death glare it really made me feel s--t. I’m spiraling so hard right now and feel like hope and time for me is running out. I don’t want to feel like everyone I try to connect with just doesn’t want me and I’m gonna end up alone forever.

Cliqued Out

DEAR CLIQUED OUT: Right off the bat CO: you were coming to the con already afraid of being judged for trying to talk to people. That’s setting yourself up for failure, because you’re priming yourself to see judgement and disdain in every gesture, tone of voice or involuntary flutter of someone’s lower eyelid. Going into any interaction with someone, platonic or otherwise, where you are pre-emptively apologizing for bothering them or just existing is going to be awkward at best. Even if they do like you or are, at worst, neutral, you’re more likely to take off like a feral cat that’s afraid to let people touch it than you are to make a friend or potential love connection.

Considering that you were already coming in a defensive crouch of apologies and pre-rejection, it also means you may not be the most reliable narrator as to what happened. Are you sure that you got a “f--k off” reaction from the cosplayer, or is that how your brain is playing it after the fact? Was it unmistakable, something that your friends saw and said “woah, that was harsh?” Or was this entirely your own subjective read on it? Is it possible that you’re reading your own anxieties into this?

(I should point out that this could also be massively dependent on context or circumstance. If the cosplayer were chatting with friends, they might be a little annoyed at the interruption. If it were at the end of the day, or they were going around the dealer’s room or trying to get into some panels, they may not have been in performance mode, and sometimes it can be hard or draining to shift gears in a moment’s notice.)

But let me actually reassure you about one thing, CO: you’re not the only person who felt like folks were very walled off and not open to schmoozing and socializing.

By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine, who’s a fairly social and gregarious person, was also at PAX this weekend and found that trying to drag conversation out of people was like pulling teeth. A lot of people seemed to be very resolute in just talking to a small group of people, and that was it.

At least at first. More on this in a second.

This isn’t entirely surprising. The chaos of this year has been a lot and all of the uncertainty around things like Trump’s Magic Tariffs have created an atmosphere where everyone is waiting for the next shoe to drop. How much more will people have to pay for games? Will it be at all possible to get video cards or monitors or laptops for less than an arm and also your first-born child? Will the Switch 2 even be available in America? That’s going to set a certain tone, even among the most enthusiastic gaming fans.

Just as importantly, a lot of folks who go to PAX are in the games industry to one degree or another and this has been an epically s--t year for them. Between wave after wave after wave of layoffs, games being canceled, studios being shut down even after shipping wildly successful games, and beloved media outlets being bought by venture capital firms and turned into content slop farms, I’m mostly surprised that the entire convention didn’t have that thousand-yard stare that only front-line military veterans get, quietly drinking beers and wondering when the screaming will stop.

BUT! As my friend reported to me: as the night went on, people actually started to unclench and open up. Some folks went to bed, others loosened up and were more open to talking with new people, and I’m sure the Bar Con aspect meant that people relaxed as the booze provided some social lubricant.

What this should tell you is that a lot of times, that sense of “nobody wants to talk to me” isn’t personal, it’s circumstantial. It’s often as much about timing as it is about anything else, and you can’t control for what’s going on in other people’s lives. Many times, people’s responses have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own bulls--t. This is one of the reasons why I always emphasize the wisdom of one J. Picard: it’s possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That’s not a sign that everyone hates you, it’s just circumstance. Sometimes you really do need to just give it a little time and see how things are a bit later in the day or evening, especially at cons.

(And in particular, the times when folks are going to be at their least social tend to be around 1 PM and right when the con floor closes; everyone’s tired, some folks are people’d out and need to get away from the crowds to recharge and a whole lot of people are feeling their blood sugar crash and need to get food. Small wonder the energy after hours tends to pick back up around 9 PM)

However, if this has put you on an actual spiral and not talking to people at the con is leading to a crisis, then you may have an issue with social anxiety that goes into an actual disorder. It may be worth your time to talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety medications to help ease your nerves so that the slightest sense of “failure” – especially when there is no actual failure here – is going to make you crash out.

But in this case, CO, you can take some comfort in knowing that it absolutely wasn’t just you; lots of people were having the same sort of experience and feeling like everyone was giving them the cold shoulder.     

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never had trouble talking to women and have built some great friendships over the years. While my dating life hasn’t been especially active, I’ve had a few dates here and there. However, I’ve noticed two recurring patterns in my romantic relationships: first, many of the women I’ve been involved with have struggled with mental health issues or low self-esteem, and second, I’ve never felt a strong physical attraction to them. I’m actively working on the first issue, but today, I want to focus on the second.

I approach this from the perspective that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships. If a woman is attractive — whether in an ‘average’ or above-average sense — or has a great figure or carries herself with confidence, it definitely influences how strongly I connect with her. Unfortunately, I tend to feel disconnected, which sometimes makes me feel unworthy of their attention. I was the shy, nerdy type in school and college, never fitting in with the ‘popular’ crowd, and I think this has shaped how I view myself and my worth in these situations. I also studied in a field that was male-dominated, so this made it more difficult to meet women when I was younger, and I do remember male peers being involved in social circles that were more helpful (think: IT nerd compared to a jock).

It’s also worth noting that I’m not exclusively attracted to any one type, but I do find certain styles, like alternative women, particularly appealing.

My present hobbies are more female-dominated now-a-days, and I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either. This dynamic seems to be consistent across the board. However, this isn’t a hard and fast rule in my life. There’s one woman at work whom I find stunning, both inside and out, and we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.

On top of that, I’m also confused about my own attractiveness. Even though people often tell me I fit the ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ stereotype, I’ve never received much attention based on my appearance. It seems like none of my hobbies or style resonate with anyone either. I’m into fitness and the outdoors, but women who share those interests don’t seem to take an interest in me. I’m also a bit alternative myself, enjoying rock music and having a noticeable tattoo, but I don’t think I’ve met many women who are into that lifestyle either. I simply can’t seem to meet and/or connect with the women I’d like to be more involved with.

I want to be clear: while physical appearance isn’t the most important thing for me in a relationship — I prioritize shared interests and values — I do feel like my internalized beliefs about physical attraction sometimes prevent me from fully connecting with women I find physically appealing.

Hot or Not?

DEAR HOT OR NOT: There’re a lot of things in your letter that jump out at me, HoN, and I will be pulling them to comment on them, but I feel like this right here should be the starting point: “Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships”

This is what we in the dating advice industry call a “Duh George”. Yes, shockingly, for people who experience sexual attraction, how sexually attractive they find someone plays a significant role in their relationship. That’s basically how people work. The place where it starts to enter quibble territory is on what makes a person attractive, which can be highly variable, and personal to the observer.

Wanting to date people who you’re physically and sexually attracted to is entirely normal and reasonable. In your case, you’re finding you’re more attracted to women who fit the commonly held Western standards of female beauty and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s also not surprising: that’s part of why we tend to refer to it as “conventionally attractive” – it’s what most people agree upon as making someone attractive.

Yes, it’s almost always a good thing to interrogate why you find certain features or attributes attractive and whether it’s something you’re into or feel like you’re supposed to be into it. At the end of the day, you like who you like and what you like and again, that’s fine. But sometimes… well, sometimes we get cases like yours.

This may or may not make you feel better, HoN, but you’re hardly the first nerd or nerd-adjacent guy I know who’s had the issue of trying to NOT be attracted to women they consider “out of their league”. In fact, in many cases, there’s an almost performative element to the extent that some nerds pride themselves about liking women who don’t fit conventional beauty standards. This is how we end up with things like Ernest Klein’s deeply cringey spoken-word poem ‘Nerd Porn Auteur’, something that ranks as a crime against humanity and also my ears. ��At the risk of putting myself in hot water with my fellow nerd-brethren, I honestly think that a significant number of folks who loudly proclaim that Velma was categorically hotter than Daphne were, quite frankly, unsure as to whether they were trying to convince themselves or everyone else. Doubly so if we’re talking about the period before the producers got in on the joke and Linda Cardellini got cast in the live action movie.

(It also lands us in places where people who are unquestionably hot are called “mid” or implied to be unattractive because they weren’t tall, willowy blondes; LOOKING AT YOU, EVERY CASTING DIRECTOR WHO EVER PUT JEANINE GARAFFALO IN THE ‘UNATTRACTIVE NERDY FRIEND’ ROLE!)

Does this mean that nerd and geek men don’t love women who have unconventional looks or don’t follow the a la mode trends and styles? Of course not. But there are a lot of dudes who pursue folks they’re not into in part because those women are seen as being more attainable, rather than being someone they find physically attractive or who is actually a good match for them. They’re choosing partners they think are either on “their level” or who are “the best they could expect”, which, honestly, is pretty insulting for everyone involved. Nobody likes feeling like someone’s consolation prize, especially when one person legitimately thinks their partner is the hottest thing since WWIII and the other… well, the other is doing their best hide their overall feeling of “you’ll have to do.”

(There’s also the corollary of dudes who don’t or won’t openly date the people they’re actually attracted to because they’re worried about what their friends – or society – would say, but that’s another topic for another time.)

It sounds to me like you fall very firmly in the “well, nobody hot could like me because I’m a nerd” trope and it’s shaped a lot of your self-image. There’re many such cases, and f--k knows I was as big a victim of that as any. But at the same time – and I’m speaking from personal experience here – there’s a point to which this becomes something you do to yourself. Yes, pop culture has its share of the blame (I could write volumes about Pretty In Pink/Some Kind of Wonderful all on their own, followed by the assorted works of Joss Whedon), as does plain old every day culture. At the same time, however, there was – and still is – a tendency for the geeky and nerdy men to get into a defensive crouch that’s equal parts insecurity about perceived inferiority and a preemptive rejection of others; a “you can’t fire me, I quit” sort of behavior, often based around being “better” than that.

This sort of defensiveness tends to cause nerds, especially nerdy guys, to huddle up under the assumption that non-nerds, especially anyone who might be seen as “cool” or “popular” – like jocks – as disdainful of them at best and their natural enemies at worst. As a result, you end up with folks who choose to self-isolate into increasingly small and balkanized communities and hissing like feral cats at everyone who isn’t part of it, working under the assumption that other people must dislike them already.

I mean, your field of study didn’t mean you couldn’t have a social life outside of it. Sure, you spent a lot of time with your classmates, but you could still have done things like joined clubs or student organizations that would’ve brought you in regular contact with folks who weren’t just your fellow STEM majors. It seems like a lot of this was a matter of choice for you.

In fact, this is a theme that comes up rather frequently in your letter. This part, in particular, leapt out and bit me: “I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either.”��(Emphasis added.) ��I hate to say it but… well there’s your problem! If you’re not talking to these people at all, I’m entirely unsurprised that you don’t get along with them. You don’t interact with them! The odds are very good that you’re giving off “I don’t want to talk to you” vibes that would put people off who are trying to connect with you. Someone has to be very motivated – or very self-centered – to push past glaring signs of disinterest in order to start a conversation.

And honestly, it does seem to be entirely based around the potential dateability of them. I couldn’t help but also notice this part: “we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.” Again, emphasis added. It’s easy to feel comfortable enough to have a good relationship with someone when they’re both entirely unavailable and your relationship is entirely based around working together. You’re not afraid of being rejected because there’s nothing to be rejected over; you’re co-workers, and that’s all you’re expecting out of this.

I think that belief of pre-rejection is forming the core of your problem. In fact, it sounds like you’re expecting more encouragement or comment from people than is reasonable, especially from women, before you give yourself permission to feel good about your looks and our own attractiveness. And it seems pretty clear that this self-limiting belief is holding you back from actually, y’know, talking to people you’re into.

I mean, you comment that you’re in various different scenes – fitness and outdoorsmanship, rock music, etc. – and the women in those scenes don’t show interest in you. OK but… how much interest are you showing in them. Are you even talking to them? Not approaching, not flirting or trying to get dates, but just making small talk? Any sort of behavior that isn’t a strict Joe Friday “Just the facts, ma’am” interaction?

(Google it, kids.)

Because if you’re not? I’m not exactly surprised you’re not getting any traction there. And to be quite honest, if you’re waiting for the high sign of “ah, you are hot, you should know that I think you are quite hot”, you will be waiting a long, long time.

Some of this is because, as a general rule, women are unlikely to comment about the looks of a man they don’t know well. In fact, there is a lot of reasons for them not to – not the least of which being that they don’t know how the guy will react. Many women know from personal experience, that there are guys who will receive any sort of compliment, even “hey, nice jacket!” as “Take me now in a manly fashion”. And as I’ve said many, many times before, even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s a lot of social pressure on women not to make the first move or to be overt in their interest.

Just as much of it, however is that I kind of doubt that you would either recognize or believe it if women were giving you signs of interest. If you don’t believe that people could find you attractive, the confirmation bias lurking in your brain is going to dismiss anything that isn’t at the level of “I want to take you into the bathroom and I will suck you dry” as either a mistake or your misreading the situation… and even if it were at that level, you would likely think it was a trick or a prank.

Again, as someone who has dealt with this issue myself, I can attest to this response from personal experience. Sorry, Lisa, I honestly thought you were making fun of me during our sophomore year.

The problem really does come down to your not feeling like you’re permitted to approach or interact with the people you find attractive, simply because you don’t think you are attractive enough to be found “worthy”. But the cold and hard truth is that waiting for other people to validate your hotness before you let yourself believe in yourself will ever fill that void. All that external validation is only going to be temporary at best, and the slightest setback or even perceived hitch or hesitation will topple your self-esteem like a Jenga tower balanced on a single brick. Your sense of your own desirability has to come from within, first. If it requires you to think you’re being a little delusional… well, fine. Be delusional. It harms nobody and benefits you immensely.

A lot of it is going to come down to your being willing to treat yourself like you think you’re hot, first. That means dressing in ways that you think make you look like a sexy bad-ass, even if you think you’re just cosplaying at first. It means carrying yourself with confidence and assurance, even if at the start, you’re consciously having to remind yourself to stand up straight, square your shoulders and walk with a bit of relaxed swagger and rhythm. And it means being willing to not just let yourself be attracted to someone hot, but to behave as though you’re “permitted” to. Because right now? The main reason you’re dating the people you are – the relationships that have been leaving you so unsatisfied – is because you’re dating the people you presume aren’t going to reject you.

There’s no reward without risk and there’s no dating without the risk of getting rejected. Not everyone we like is going to like us back and vice versa. But if you’re avoiding the people you do like in order to avoid rejection? Then you’re just going to end up in one unsatisfying relationship after another. And that’s not fair to you or to the people who are dating you because they like you, even when you’re not so hot on them.

Start cultivating that relationship with yourself, HoN and work on getting over this feeling that you have to be THIS hot to get on this ride. Otherwise, you’re just going to be having the same issues going forward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com