DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I went to PAX recently and wanted to see if I could make some approaches while I was there. I went with some friends too to ease the tension but it just made it worse. I was so self-conscious they would judge me for trying to talk to someone. The one person I did talk to and politely asked for a picture with her (cosplayer) said yes very reluctantly and gave me a “f--k off” look after it was over. All I asked for was a picture and walked away. That threw me off for the rest of my time there.

It seemed to me like everyone didn’t really want to meet people and just wanted to stay in their own group and enjoy PAX privately. I felt like I would be a massive creep just walking up to someone and trying to start friendly conversation. I thought Cons were supposed to be great places to meet people but now I’m not so sure. I still enjoyed PAX and got lots of merch there and chilled with friends but I failed my secondary objective hard.

I know I have approach anxiety but I don’t know if I was reading the room wrong or if things really were as they looked. Was I just not trying hard enough? I’m so scared of making someone uncomfortable and after the cosplayer gave me that death glare it really made me feel s--t. I’m spiraling so hard right now and feel like hope and time for me is running out. I don’t want to feel like everyone I try to connect with just doesn’t want me and I’m gonna end up alone forever.

Cliqued Out

DEAR CLIQUED OUT: Right off the bat CO: you were coming to the con already afraid of being judged for trying to talk to people. That’s setting yourself up for failure, because you’re priming yourself to see judgement and disdain in every gesture, tone of voice or involuntary flutter of someone’s lower eyelid. Going into any interaction with someone, platonic or otherwise, where you are pre-emptively apologizing for bothering them or just existing is going to be awkward at best. Even if they do like you or are, at worst, neutral, you’re more likely to take off like a feral cat that’s afraid to let people touch it than you are to make a friend or potential love connection.

Considering that you were already coming in a defensive crouch of apologies and pre-rejection, it also means you may not be the most reliable narrator as to what happened. Are you sure that you got a “f--k off” reaction from the cosplayer, or is that how your brain is playing it after the fact? Was it unmistakable, something that your friends saw and said “woah, that was harsh?” Or was this entirely your own subjective read on it? Is it possible that you’re reading your own anxieties into this?

(I should point out that this could also be massively dependent on context or circumstance. If the cosplayer were chatting with friends, they might be a little annoyed at the interruption. If it were at the end of the day, or they were going around the dealer’s room or trying to get into some panels, they may not have been in performance mode, and sometimes it can be hard or draining to shift gears in a moment’s notice.)

But let me actually reassure you about one thing, CO: you’re not the only person who felt like folks were very walled off and not open to schmoozing and socializing.

By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine, who’s a fairly social and gregarious person, was also at PAX this weekend and found that trying to drag conversation out of people was like pulling teeth. A lot of people seemed to be very resolute in just talking to a small group of people, and that was it.

At least at first. More on this in a second.

This isn’t entirely surprising. The chaos of this year has been a lot and all of the uncertainty around things like Trump’s Magic Tariffs have created an atmosphere where everyone is waiting for the next shoe to drop. How much more will people have to pay for games? Will it be at all possible to get video cards or monitors or laptops for less than an arm and also your first-born child? Will the Switch 2 even be available in America? That’s going to set a certain tone, even among the most enthusiastic gaming fans.

Just as importantly, a lot of folks who go to PAX are in the games industry to one degree or another and this has been an epically s--t year for them. Between wave after wave after wave of layoffs, games being canceled, studios being shut down even after shipping wildly successful games, and beloved media outlets being bought by venture capital firms and turned into content slop farms, I’m mostly surprised that the entire convention didn’t have that thousand-yard stare that only front-line military veterans get, quietly drinking beers and wondering when the screaming will stop.

BUT! As my friend reported to me: as the night went on, people actually started to unclench and open up. Some folks went to bed, others loosened up and were more open to talking with new people, and I’m sure the Bar Con aspect meant that people relaxed as the booze provided some social lubricant.

What this should tell you is that a lot of times, that sense of “nobody wants to talk to me” isn’t personal, it’s circumstantial. It’s often as much about timing as it is about anything else, and you can’t control for what’s going on in other people’s lives. Many times, people’s responses have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own bulls--t. This is one of the reasons why I always emphasize the wisdom of one J. Picard: it’s possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That’s not a sign that everyone hates you, it’s just circumstance. Sometimes you really do need to just give it a little time and see how things are a bit later in the day or evening, especially at cons.

(And in particular, the times when folks are going to be at their least social tend to be around 1 PM and right when the con floor closes; everyone’s tired, some folks are people’d out and need to get away from the crowds to recharge and a whole lot of people are feeling their blood sugar crash and need to get food. Small wonder the energy after hours tends to pick back up around 9 PM)

However, if this has put you on an actual spiral and not talking to people at the con is leading to a crisis, then you may have an issue with social anxiety that goes into an actual disorder. It may be worth your time to talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety medications to help ease your nerves so that the slightest sense of “failure” – especially when there is no actual failure here – is going to make you crash out.

But in this case, CO, you can take some comfort in knowing that it absolutely wasn’t just you; lots of people were having the same sort of experience and feeling like everyone was giving them the cold shoulder.     

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never had trouble talking to women and have built some great friendships over the years. While my dating life hasn’t been especially active, I’ve had a few dates here and there. However, I’ve noticed two recurring patterns in my romantic relationships: first, many of the women I’ve been involved with have struggled with mental health issues or low self-esteem, and second, I’ve never felt a strong physical attraction to them. I’m actively working on the first issue, but today, I want to focus on the second.

I approach this from the perspective that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships. If a woman is attractive — whether in an ‘average’ or above-average sense — or has a great figure or carries herself with confidence, it definitely influences how strongly I connect with her. Unfortunately, I tend to feel disconnected, which sometimes makes me feel unworthy of their attention. I was the shy, nerdy type in school and college, never fitting in with the ‘popular’ crowd, and I think this has shaped how I view myself and my worth in these situations. I also studied in a field that was male-dominated, so this made it more difficult to meet women when I was younger, and I do remember male peers being involved in social circles that were more helpful (think: IT nerd compared to a jock).

It’s also worth noting that I’m not exclusively attracted to any one type, but I do find certain styles, like alternative women, particularly appealing.

My present hobbies are more female-dominated now-a-days, and I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either. This dynamic seems to be consistent across the board. However, this isn’t a hard and fast rule in my life. There’s one woman at work whom I find stunning, both inside and out, and we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.

On top of that, I’m also confused about my own attractiveness. Even though people often tell me I fit the ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ stereotype, I’ve never received much attention based on my appearance. It seems like none of my hobbies or style resonate with anyone either. I’m into fitness and the outdoors, but women who share those interests don’t seem to take an interest in me. I’m also a bit alternative myself, enjoying rock music and having a noticeable tattoo, but I don’t think I’ve met many women who are into that lifestyle either. I simply can’t seem to meet and/or connect with the women I’d like to be more involved with.

I want to be clear: while physical appearance isn’t the most important thing for me in a relationship — I prioritize shared interests and values — I do feel like my internalized beliefs about physical attraction sometimes prevent me from fully connecting with women I find physically appealing.

Hot or Not?

DEAR HOT OR NOT: There’re a lot of things in your letter that jump out at me, HoN, and I will be pulling them to comment on them, but I feel like this right here should be the starting point: “Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships”

This is what we in the dating advice industry call a “Duh George”. Yes, shockingly, for people who experience sexual attraction, how sexually attractive they find someone plays a significant role in their relationship. That’s basically how people work. The place where it starts to enter quibble territory is on what makes a person attractive, which can be highly variable, and personal to the observer.

Wanting to date people who you’re physically and sexually attracted to is entirely normal and reasonable. In your case, you’re finding you’re more attracted to women who fit the commonly held Western standards of female beauty and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s also not surprising: that’s part of why we tend to refer to it as “conventionally attractive” – it’s what most people agree upon as making someone attractive.

Yes, it’s almost always a good thing to interrogate why you find certain features or attributes attractive and whether it’s something you’re into or feel like you’re supposed to be into it. At the end of the day, you like who you like and what you like and again, that’s fine. But sometimes… well, sometimes we get cases like yours.

This may or may not make you feel better, HoN, but you’re hardly the first nerd or nerd-adjacent guy I know who’s had the issue of trying to NOT be attracted to women they consider “out of their league”. In fact, in many cases, there’s an almost performative element to the extent that some nerds pride themselves about liking women who don’t fit conventional beauty standards. This is how we end up with things like Ernest Klein’s deeply cringey spoken-word poem ‘Nerd Porn Auteur’, something that ranks as a crime against humanity and also my ears. ��At the risk of putting myself in hot water with my fellow nerd-brethren, I honestly think that a significant number of folks who loudly proclaim that Velma was categorically hotter than Daphne were, quite frankly, unsure as to whether they were trying to convince themselves or everyone else. Doubly so if we’re talking about the period before the producers got in on the joke and Linda Cardellini got cast in the live action movie.

(It also lands us in places where people who are unquestionably hot are called “mid” or implied to be unattractive because they weren’t tall, willowy blondes; LOOKING AT YOU, EVERY CASTING DIRECTOR WHO EVER PUT JEANINE GARAFFALO IN THE ‘UNATTRACTIVE NERDY FRIEND’ ROLE!)

Does this mean that nerd and geek men don’t love women who have unconventional looks or don’t follow the a la mode trends and styles? Of course not. But there are a lot of dudes who pursue folks they’re not into in part because those women are seen as being more attainable, rather than being someone they find physically attractive or who is actually a good match for them. They’re choosing partners they think are either on “their level” or who are “the best they could expect”, which, honestly, is pretty insulting for everyone involved. Nobody likes feeling like someone’s consolation prize, especially when one person legitimately thinks their partner is the hottest thing since WWIII and the other… well, the other is doing their best hide their overall feeling of “you’ll have to do.”

(There’s also the corollary of dudes who don’t or won’t openly date the people they’re actually attracted to because they’re worried about what their friends – or society – would say, but that’s another topic for another time.)

It sounds to me like you fall very firmly in the “well, nobody hot could like me because I’m a nerd” trope and it’s shaped a lot of your self-image. There’re many such cases, and f--k knows I was as big a victim of that as any. But at the same time – and I’m speaking from personal experience here – there’s a point to which this becomes something you do to yourself. Yes, pop culture has its share of the blame (I could write volumes about Pretty In Pink/Some Kind of Wonderful all on their own, followed by the assorted works of Joss Whedon), as does plain old every day culture. At the same time, however, there was – and still is – a tendency for the geeky and nerdy men to get into a defensive crouch that’s equal parts insecurity about perceived inferiority and a preemptive rejection of others; a “you can’t fire me, I quit” sort of behavior, often based around being “better” than that.

This sort of defensiveness tends to cause nerds, especially nerdy guys, to huddle up under the assumption that non-nerds, especially anyone who might be seen as “cool” or “popular” – like jocks – as disdainful of them at best and their natural enemies at worst. As a result, you end up with folks who choose to self-isolate into increasingly small and balkanized communities and hissing like feral cats at everyone who isn’t part of it, working under the assumption that other people must dislike them already.

I mean, your field of study didn’t mean you couldn’t have a social life outside of it. Sure, you spent a lot of time with your classmates, but you could still have done things like joined clubs or student organizations that would’ve brought you in regular contact with folks who weren’t just your fellow STEM majors. It seems like a lot of this was a matter of choice for you.

In fact, this is a theme that comes up rather frequently in your letter. This part, in particular, leapt out and bit me: “I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either.”��(Emphasis added.) ��I hate to say it but… well there’s your problem! If you’re not talking to these people at all, I’m entirely unsurprised that you don’t get along with them. You don’t interact with them! The odds are very good that you’re giving off “I don’t want to talk to you” vibes that would put people off who are trying to connect with you. Someone has to be very motivated – or very self-centered – to push past glaring signs of disinterest in order to start a conversation.

And honestly, it does seem to be entirely based around the potential dateability of them. I couldn’t help but also notice this part: “we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.” Again, emphasis added. It’s easy to feel comfortable enough to have a good relationship with someone when they’re both entirely unavailable and your relationship is entirely based around working together. You’re not afraid of being rejected because there’s nothing to be rejected over; you’re co-workers, and that’s all you’re expecting out of this.

I think that belief of pre-rejection is forming the core of your problem. In fact, it sounds like you’re expecting more encouragement or comment from people than is reasonable, especially from women, before you give yourself permission to feel good about your looks and our own attractiveness. And it seems pretty clear that this self-limiting belief is holding you back from actually, y’know, talking to people you’re into.

I mean, you comment that you’re in various different scenes – fitness and outdoorsmanship, rock music, etc. – and the women in those scenes don’t show interest in you. OK but… how much interest are you showing in them. Are you even talking to them? Not approaching, not flirting or trying to get dates, but just making small talk? Any sort of behavior that isn’t a strict Joe Friday “Just the facts, ma’am” interaction?

(Google it, kids.)

Because if you’re not? I’m not exactly surprised you’re not getting any traction there. And to be quite honest, if you’re waiting for the high sign of “ah, you are hot, you should know that I think you are quite hot”, you will be waiting a long, long time.

Some of this is because, as a general rule, women are unlikely to comment about the looks of a man they don’t know well. In fact, there is a lot of reasons for them not to – not the least of which being that they don’t know how the guy will react. Many women know from personal experience, that there are guys who will receive any sort of compliment, even “hey, nice jacket!” as “Take me now in a manly fashion”. And as I’ve said many, many times before, even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s a lot of social pressure on women not to make the first move or to be overt in their interest.

Just as much of it, however is that I kind of doubt that you would either recognize or believe it if women were giving you signs of interest. If you don’t believe that people could find you attractive, the confirmation bias lurking in your brain is going to dismiss anything that isn’t at the level of “I want to take you into the bathroom and I will suck you dry” as either a mistake or your misreading the situation… and even if it were at that level, you would likely think it was a trick or a prank.

Again, as someone who has dealt with this issue myself, I can attest to this response from personal experience. Sorry, Lisa, I honestly thought you were making fun of me during our sophomore year.

The problem really does come down to your not feeling like you’re permitted to approach or interact with the people you find attractive, simply because you don’t think you are attractive enough to be found “worthy”. But the cold and hard truth is that waiting for other people to validate your hotness before you let yourself believe in yourself will ever fill that void. All that external validation is only going to be temporary at best, and the slightest setback or even perceived hitch or hesitation will topple your self-esteem like a Jenga tower balanced on a single brick. Your sense of your own desirability has to come from within, first. If it requires you to think you’re being a little delusional… well, fine. Be delusional. It harms nobody and benefits you immensely.

A lot of it is going to come down to your being willing to treat yourself like you think you’re hot, first. That means dressing in ways that you think make you look like a sexy bad-ass, even if you think you’re just cosplaying at first. It means carrying yourself with confidence and assurance, even if at the start, you’re consciously having to remind yourself to stand up straight, square your shoulders and walk with a bit of relaxed swagger and rhythm. And it means being willing to not just let yourself be attracted to someone hot, but to behave as though you’re “permitted” to. Because right now? The main reason you’re dating the people you are – the relationships that have been leaving you so unsatisfied – is because you’re dating the people you presume aren’t going to reject you.

There’s no reward without risk and there’s no dating without the risk of getting rejected. Not everyone we like is going to like us back and vice versa. But if you’re avoiding the people you do like in order to avoid rejection? Then you’re just going to end up in one unsatisfying relationship after another. And that’s not fair to you or to the people who are dating you because they like you, even when you’re not so hot on them.

Start cultivating that relationship with yourself, HoN and work on getting over this feeling that you have to be THIS hot to get on this ride. Otherwise, you’re just going to be having the same issues going forward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve spent about twelve years avoiding dating throughout my twenties and thirties. I initially thought it was just about a bad breakup but have come to realize I’ve had a lot of neglect growing up that made it difficult for me to really trust myself, let alone others. I’ve done all the excuses – women are happier without men in their lives, I’m worthless and garbage, I need my own space, I’m not ready, I’m too ugly, etc. But I think I have exhausted all of them now. Except the big one.

I’m currently doing the work now, going to a therapist, getting back in shape, reconnecting with hobbies and friends. A lot of this has been just because I don’t want to feel numb and that I’m a worthless all the time, more than anything.

So I want to try dating again and see if I can find someone, I think I have the right approach – I do want to like, validate and support someone as much as I want to feel validated (maybe more, I’m working on self-compassion!). But how do I know when I have done enough? Should I just try anyway? I’m still in a raw phase when it comes to therapy, I’ve had one or two breakthroughs but get the sense there are layers to this onion.

Ready. Unsteady. Go?

DEAR READY, UNSTEADY GO: Quick question before we dive into this, RUG: have you talked to your therapist about the possibility that you’re dealing with chronic depression? Mentioning that you feel numb and worthless all the time struck a chord for me – numbness and just feeling like there’s no point to anything is one of the most common ways that depression presents itself.

If you haven’t, it may be worth your time to do so; depression is often a matter of your brain’s chemistry and requires medication to manage, in addition to various forms of talk therapy.

The other thing I would ask is: have you talked to them about your attachment style or your emotional wounds? You mention a lot of neglect growing up; that can often lead to people feeling like they don’t deserve love and affection, which can also get tangled up with feelings of worthlessness or being deficient in some way. Addressing those issues can go a long way towards helping you feel empowered to actually seek out love without sabotaging yourself in the process.

But to answer your overarching question… well, I hate to tell you this but I think if you’re hoping for a moment where you feel a “click” or have this sudden burst of light and a “Level Up” icon appear, you’re going to be waiting a long, long time.

Those moments of sudden shattering insight or all the pieces falling into place like Agent Kujan suddenly realizing that Verbal Kint was Keyser Soze all along make for great moments in fiction, but almost never happen in real life. Personal development and therapy tends to be more of a gradual understanding and feeling of improvement than reaching some point where suddenly everything makes sense. Sometimes it’s like realizing that you’ve made progress simply because you’re suddenly aware of the absence of something that you’ve felt for so long that it’s been like background noise for you. Other times, it’s a willingness to say “well, I feel like I’m in a place where I can give this a shot” and giving it a sincere try even if you aren’t completely sure.

The more important thing is that you don’t need to be in perfect mental or emotional shape in order to date; you just need to be in good working order. Think of it like a car; you don’t necessarily need your car to be in mint condition, like it just came off the assembly line. A car can have its quirks – the upholstery can be 40% duct tape by volume, the fabric on the roof may be coming down it may judder and shake when coming to a stop, or it may make weird noises when you turn the wheel past a certain point, you may have to turn the key in the ignition a particular way to get the engine to start – but it’s still safe to drive and will get you where you need to go.

So, this becomes the question you need to ask yourself: are you in generally good working order at this point? You’re the best authority in your overall state of mental and emotional well-being after all; you’re the only one who can answer that question. Do you feel like you’re sincerely in a place where you can date?

Keep in mind: dating means more than just finding someone to love, it also means dealing with disappointments, frustrations and a willingness to risk and face rejection. You mention that you’re still in a raw phase with your therapy; how does that feel and how is it affecting your mood, your sense of self-worth and happiness? Are you ready to deal with the various slings and arrows that are part and parcel of finding someone to love without falling to pieces? Are you ready to handle the times when, say, someone you’re into isn’t necessarily feeling it? Or is this likely to shred your self-esteem into bits and kick your peace of mind into the storm drain?

It’s important that you answer this honestly. You don’t need to be 100% certain that you are, and having some hesitancy doesn’t automatically mean you’re not. If you wait until things are “perfect” or you get some sign from on high… well, you’re going to be waiting for a very, very long time because there’s never going to be a “perfect” time. If you feel like either you’re not in a place where you can handle rejection or disappointment or pushback in a healthy and productive manner, or you don’t know if you’ll be able to be a good partner for someone without doing harm to yourself? Then there’s no shame in saying “ok, I need to give it a little more time”. On the other hand, if you feel like that car I talked about – quirky, maybe a little dinged up but generally functional and passed basic inspection? You can give it a shot and see how things go. You may – and I stress may – want to focus on casual dating at first, to get a feel for where you are and get your metaphorical sea-legs. But as you get a better sense of how you’re feeling and how things are affecting you, you’ll have a better gauge as to whether you’re ready to pursue something more serious, with more intentionality.

And don’t forget: deciding that you’re ready to start dating or deciding you’re not ready just yet isn’t a permanent decision. You’re always welcome to say “ok, maybe I need a little more time” and take yourself off the market for a bit, or to say “OK, last time out kinda sucked, but I’m ready to try again”.

There are no guarantees in life, and especially when other people – ones with free will and agency – are involved. It can be scary. It can be hard, and there will be times – even if you’re in the peak of mental and emotional health – where it can make you want to climb the walls with frustration or despair. But as frightening, frustrating or emotionally draining as dating can be… it can also be amazing, affirming and even life-changing at times. You’re the only one who can say whether you’re ready or not.  

Nobody ever said it would be easy. They just said it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com