DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So my question is that I really, really like a girl. She’s 2 years older than me and currently in a 3 year old relationship. I have known her for a few months now and we’ve been talking every day, like all day, she seems interested. I know she considers me a good friend or her maybe one of the best male friends that she has and even a quasi-boyfriend. She is in an actual relationship, but I don’t feel like it’s a happy relationship; it’s kind of toxic. 

She tells me about the guy and tells me almost everything that they’ve been going through, and mostly it’s bad and I know that I like her, I don’t want her to leave her bf if she’s happy but it’s that I think she is really, really attached. She told me that her boyfriend told her after 3-4 months of relationship that he wants a breakup, but she convinced him that it’s going to work and it’s been going for 3 years. Like the guy doesn’t pay much attention to her and she is just waiting for him to even reply. They haven’t met for like 15 months, it’s not like the guy can’t come, it’s just that he is too lazy to do so or so she tells me. 

Recently I told her that I like her, I mean I told her that I had a crush on her and I don’t crush for her right now and she took it in a positive way saying that crushes happen it’s ok. Since then, she’s been comparing me with her boyfriend, her behaviour towards me has changed in a good way. She is friendlier and I like that, but she compares me with her boyfriend; she has been teasing me a lot and just acting differently. 

I don’t know what to do.

Emergency Holographic Backup Boyfriend?

DEAR EMERGENCY HOLOGRAPHIC BACKUP BOYFRIEND: Before I get into the meat of your letter, EHBB, I feel like I should point out that I had to do some serious editing to get this letter to the point of being readable. I get the distinct feeling that English isn’t your first language, so I’ve had to do some interpreting in a couple cases; I hope I got everything more or less as you intended it to mean.

Even then, it sounds like important points got left out of your letter. For example, you drop that your crush and her boyfriend haven’t met for nearly a year and a half and that “he’s too lazy to come.” This brings up a lot of questions – is this a long-distance relationship? Is this an entirely online relationship?  Have they ever even met in person? As it is, you’re describing someone who apparently hasn’t seen the person she’s presumably dating for nearly half the length of their relationship, which is… unusual, to say the least.

If we combine this with the way that he seems to just reply to her when he feels like it and the fact that that he tried to break up with her at the 3-month mark, then I just have even more questions. Questions like “is she sure that he changed his mind?” If this isn’t a long-distance relationship, then I would seriously question if they’re even dating at all. Because, if she isn’t refusing to accept a break-up, then under the best of circumstances, this sounds like a relationship that’s so one-sided that I’m not sure you could even call it a relationship. A slightly less generous reading sounds like she thinks they’re dating and he doesn’t. Which… isn’t great, and honestly makes me question her choices and maturity.

This is why I really wish you’d told me how old you all are, because damn, you sound very young. It’s one thing if you are all middle or high-school students; irrationality, poor decisions and frankly bafflingrelationship choices are all hallmarks of being young and having far more exuberance and energy than experience or common sense. It wouldn’t necessarily make things better, but it sure as hell would make them more explicable. If you all are grown-ass adults… well, I’d take that as a sign that maybe this isn’t a person you should be pursuing. At least not right now.

And if I’m going to be honest, I don’t think that would be the worst course of action as it is. If I’m understanding you – which, as I said, I may not be – and this is a long-distance relationship, then I think the best course of action is to let this be. Some of the choices your crush has made – like trying to talk her presumptive boyfriend out of a break up and then continuing a relationship that doesn’t seem to be a priority to him – suggest that she has some growing and maturing to do. I know the movies love a “jump out of a bad relationship and straight into a better one with the hero” narrative, but in real life, sometimes folks need a little time to actually process the lessons they learned from that experience. Otherwise, they run the risk of bouncing from failed relationship to failed relationship, even if their next partner (maybe you, maybe someone else) is a far better option for them.

While I understand that you really like her and want something more with her, I don’t think that a relationship with her is advisable for either of you right now. I think her time would be better spent unpacking why she’s been trying to stay in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be in one with her and to fully grasp that a dead plant isn’t going to grow, no matter how much she waters it.

My suggestion is that you keep the status-quo as it stands: be her friend. It sounds like she needs someone who’s unquestionably in her corner to say “I dunno, this sounds really f--ked up to me” and “you deserve better than this.” But even under the best circumstances, I’m not entirely sure she’s going to be in a place to start dating someone else, even if she were suddenly single tomorrow.

You sound like a decent guy, and she could use a decent guy in her life. But not as her next boyfriend. Not yet, and not for a while yet.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a late 20s university dropout in the UK, and I’ve f--ked up my life. See what happens is, when a relationship goes well, I get scared and run.

As well as that, I don’t even realise I’m attracted to someone until about a month after I met them, at which point they’ve met someone.

I’m a fantastic friend but a rubbish relationship or f--kbuddy/FWB option as I don’t pick up when people are interested!

I’m in good shape but my friends are all nerds in varying states of lumpiness so that’s kind of a low bar. Lovely people though.

Before you say anything, I know about f--king charity work and volunteering.

That is for the dregs of society, the lowest forms of life. The losers who can’t do anything else but blindly give their time and money serving those who were unlucky or unwise enough to be in a position where you need charity.

I mean, to even be near a homeless person sickens me. I understand how they got there, but they’re a danger to themselves and everyone around them. 

So how the f--k do I find people when I’m out of uni, no skills, bad self-esteem, crappy job working from home, and I still live with my parents?

Maybe I should start doing drugs as junkies can find people. (That was a joke, I don’t want to do that)

I refuse to help people, that’s the path of being taken for everything you have. The only thing that matters in this world is survival, being good or evil is an illusion.

If I wanted to or tried to help people, they’d drag me down.

I’m active in the nerd scenes and con scenes but to be honest life kind of sucks in general. Life stalled years ago and I’ve been going through the motions. Maybe it’s a self-esteem or paranoia problem.

I used to be a Christian but God has been very quiet recently.

Maybe I should just join a cult or force myself to join another group to get me out of the house.

I am NOT helping people in any capacity, though, therein lies the path to ruin.

Thanks doc, just wanted to know your advice.

Totally Scrooged

DEAR TOTALLY SCROOGED: You know, I was tempted to just answer this with “I’m not getting paid to engage with your humiliation fetish”, but you’ve caught me in a generous mood, TS, so I’ll treat this with considerably more seriousness than it honestly deserves. Which means that it’s time to introduce you to my friend, the Chair Leg of Truth.

I can tell you precisely what the problem is, TS: you are coming across like a deeply unpleasant individual and you either don’t realize it or you think that the way you’re acting is some weird badge of honor. Which, all things considered, wouldn’t be too surprising; a lot of people seem to think “I’m the only person who matters” and “got mine, f--k you” makes them iconoclastic and “the only people who really understand”. Of course, then they wonder why they’re chronically single and nobody wants to spend time with them.

Quite frankly, your tone and your words make me question a lot of the other statements in your letter – like claiming to be a great friend in one breath and s--t-talking your friends as “nerds in varying shapes of lumpiness” in the next, followed by “lovely people though” as though that either made things better or you’re surprised that fat people can be good people. I’m sure you think you’re a fantastic friend, but I’m kinda wondering if your friends would agree.

And then there’s the rant you go into completely unprompted that throws pretty much everything out the window. I mean, I’m not entirely sure why you decided to bring up how much you think charity and volunteering is for suckers and fools when nobody had said anything about it. You apparently felt so strongly about this that you decided that this needed to be the subject in your email, which, again, is an odd choice. Congratulations on having read Atlas Shrugged, I guess, but you probably would’ve gotten further with your issues if you had read Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People” instead.

Can’t imagine why God won’t talk to you anymore.

All of this does, however, add some much needed – if unintentional – comedy to follow up s--tting on both people who volunteer their time, money and effort helping others and unhoused people by complaining that you have no skills, no self-esteem and a s--tty job while living with your parents. So maybe that little rant from out of the blue is more about how you feel about yourself. Which, if true, would sound like you were having the beginnings of self-awareness that you then had to snuff out before you realized that taking a massive steaming s--t on both people with kindness and generosity of spirit and the people they helped was just so you could feel slightly better about being a worse person any of them.

But yes, by all means, continue to insist that people who devote their energy to caring for others; that’s absolutely going to be something that will attract women to you like mice to cheese. It absolutely won’t come across like someone who tries to troll artists by telling them that LLM plagiarism machines will put them out of work because you’re jealous of having neither artistic skill nor vision, nor will it make you sound any less like someday your s--tcoin investment will eventually pay off and then won’t people be sorry.

Continue to hell about the unhoused too, that’s something that’s absolute catnip to the ladies. There’s nothing sexier than a guy talking about how just the mere existence of people who’re down on their luck makes him violently ill and profoundly uncomfortable. Would you like to throw in some comments about queer people while you’re at it? Maybe something about undeserving minorities?

Honestly, I can’t for the life of me understand why you’re not so deep in ass that you have either the free time or free hands to write this letter.

There’s nothing that I can tell you that you’re going to take seriously, seeing as what you really need is a personality transplant even more than you would need to get out of the house. I can tell you that pretty much all of your problems stem from your attitude before anything else, and unless and until you start addressing that, any other advice would be like sticking a Hello Kitty bandage on a severed and hemorrhaging limb.

Now I’m going to be generous and assume that there’s some actual pain talking underneath all of this and all of this bulls--t is a malignant form of self-protection that you toss out in order to not confront the depth of self-loathing you feel. But even then, that doesn’t make any of it better; you’re still coming off like a prolapsed anus and in the unlikely event that someone doesn’t find it more repellant than sex advice from Andrew Tate, you should probably run screaming from them in the other direction.

Now, if you want actual advice, then I would strongly suggest getting some intensive therapy and actually listen to the therapist so you can deal with the self-esteem and chronic depression you describe towards the end.

Failing that, the best advice I would have for you is to take some MDMA until you realize that other people actually exist and develop more than a vestigial sense of empathy and compassion for others. Because, I hate to tell you this, but women are actually drawn to personal warmth, kindness and emotional intelligence and you’re showing a profound lack of any of these.

Those are your choices: fix your heart or get used to this being the rest of your life until you do.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Picture the scene – an attractive guy walks into a dance workshop, effortlessly blending in with the class. He flashes a warm smile and laughs with each partner he gets paired up with. As the lights dim and it’s time for social dancing, he’s the first on the floor, confident and full of energy. He dances with a genuine smile, enjoying the experience, and isn’t bothered by little mistakes, laughing them off with ease. He doesn’t take himself too seriously. The women he dances with always rave about what a great lead he is, how comfortable he makes them feel, and how much fun they have dancing with him.

That’s me.

And yet, despite all this, I’ve never once been on a date with a woman.

I’m in my early thirties now, and most of the friendships I’ve had have been with the opposite sex. I’d like to think I strike a healthy balance with my masculinity: I’ve got quiet confidence, natural authority when needed, and firm boundaries. But I also have a good sense of humor, and I’m approachable, kind, and empathetic. I’m not exaggerating when I say I often receive compliments about my dancing, which are usually followed by praise for my personality. People also jokingly mention my “harem of women”, and I can be quite playful and a bit of a flirt. At the last social I attended, I even got compliments on my appearance from a stranger (I’m frequently called handsome). It’s fair to say that women generally think highly of me, and see me as a fun, easygoing guy to be around.

So, why, despite all of these qualities and the fact that I’m often considered attractive, have I never been able to win a woman’s heart, or get her into bed?

I’m aware of one limitation that might be holding me back, but I don’t think it should prevent me entirely. I seem to have bad luck when it comes to meeting women in my age group. Despite trying different things – attending events in other cities, working in various places, and so on – the women I meet are usually older and already in relationships. When I do find someone single, they’re rarely in the mid-twenties to early thirties range I’m looking for, and if they are, they don’t seem particularly interested in getting to know me. At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation. When I tried dating apps a few years ago, I never got any matches. Even when I was surrounded by people my own age, like at university, I still found that women weren’t interested. I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available, but it feels like there’s this invisible barrier that prevents any real connection from happening.

There’s clearly something I’m doing that’s turning women off from seeing me as a romantic or sexual prospect, but I just can’t pinpoint what it is. It’s confusing because the lack of interest I experience seems to be the real reflection of how women perceive me, which directly conflicts with the many positive things that are said. Lately, I’ve been feeling more discouraged about it, to the point where I’m starting to doubt whether I’ll ever actually date anyone in my lifetime.

Dancing On My Own

DEAR DANCING ON MY OWN: Alright DOMO, I want to point something out that comes up a lot in letters like yours. Almost every time I get a letter like this – someone who, in theory, has all the traits and qualities that women would love to see in a partner but who has yet to have so much as a first date – I see a lot about internal qualities, how people enjoy their company, and where they spend their time. What I don’t see is “I asked out X person and Y person and Z person and they all say no.” ��(Frequently, there’ll be mention about how the apps aren’t working for them, but that’s an entirely different beast and one I’ve ranted about repeatedly and at great length.)

It’s very hard for me to gauge what someone’s doing wrong if I don’t know what they’re actually doing. And the way letters like yours are phrased tend to lead me to suspect that they’re not doing any actual asking. In fact, a lot of the time, there’s more talk about people not showing interest than anything that they’re doing to help ping for interest or to build it in the first place.

I say this because I look at your description and I’m not seeing you taking an active role in terms of trying to actually get somewhere with folks. I’m not seeing anything about asking people out, nor am I seeing anything about expressing interest or trying to see how interested they are. Being “a bit of a flirt” is not the same thing as actually flirting with people you’re interested in. That sounds like you make flirty comments with folks you aren’t interested in, or in ways that lead folks not think you’re not serious. That’s all fine if you’re flirting because it’s fun and people enjoy it. But it suggests that there’s a lack of actual intent behind it, and that makes a significant difference. There’s flirting for funsies and then there’s flirting because you’re actually interested and willing to follow through when they flirt back. If there isn’t at least some sign of genuine attraction and interest behind it, then folks are going to assume that you don’t mean it.

Here’s the thing: being attractive is an active quality, not passive. It isn’t something that just happens. It’s not just the presence of certain traits or qualities; it’s how those qualities interplay with one another and – importantly – how they’re put to use.

Being good looking, for example, is not the same as being attractive. A statue can be beautiful, but unless you’re Pygmalion, you’re not going to want to f--k it. Good bone structure and symmetrical features are great, but they don’t do the job by themselves, especially without other qualities to back them up. Every straight woman alive can tell you about a guy who was gorgeous but rendered themselves absolutely unf--kable because of something they said or did. 

The same holds true with other qualities – being fun, being a good dancer, being safe, and so on. These are all good qualities to have. But in and of themselves, they don’t spark attraction. You can be someone people love to dance with, but don’t necessarily want to date, because dancing is fun. But you can have fun without building attraction. You presumably have fun hanging out with your friends, and the fun you have with them makes you want to hang out with them more often. But that doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to your friends or they’re becoming attracted to you. That additional element just isn’t there unless you choose to add it.

Dating and wining hearts requires connection. It requires effort. It requires a spark. Yes, sometimes sparks happen without any effort on anyone’s part. Sometimes people get hit by lightning, too. If you want things to happen, you have to put in effort to make them happen, and that requires being proactive, not passive. Even if the odds are long, you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can’t win the pot at Texas Hold-Em if you don’t at least ante up in the first place.

I mean, if you want to play “spot the problem”, we can leap straight here: “At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation” and here: “I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available”. 

This, right here, is the issue. With both of these, it sounds to me like you’re waiting for them to be making the move, and that’s a mistake. As a general rule, women tend not to make overt first moves, simply because there’s a lot more at risk for them than there is for men. Even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s still intense amounts of social pressure for women to be covert in showing interest rather than doing so overtly or even taking the lead. And in most social dancing, there’s still more of an expectation of men asking women to dance rather than vice versa… especially if the women don’t know the man in question yet.

The same holds for not acting differently around the women who you find attractive or who you think may be single. If you’re not showing that you’re interested in them, they’re not going to necessarily assume it for you. It’s not that you need to start hooting and hollering and beating yourself with a mallet like a cartoon wolf when you see someone you’re attracted to, but you do need to show that you’re attracted to them and would be interested in more than platonic friendship. If you’re behaving like a friend and holding back on any signs of romantic or sexual attraction, they’re going to assume that you’re just looking for friendship. And as I have said many times: nobody can go on a date that you didn’t invite them on.

I would also want to know what, precisely, is happening that you assume they’re not interested in getting to know you. Are you having to go to the orthopedist to get your back fixed because you’re carrying the entire conversation yourself? Are they only giving you brief, non-committal answers when you ask questions and never ask questions back? Are they not matching your energy and coming off as sullen or bored? If that’s the case… yeah, they’re not into you, and it may be that you need to be looking elsewhere. You may be dealing with a demographic who you don’t vibe with, or it may be that this isn’t a place where people are going in order to meet folks that they might want to hook up with.

A lot of women aren’t necessarily going to want to date folks they’ve just met when they’re not in social mode. This is especially true if you’re going to classes with an eye towards hooking up rather than learning, and they’re going because they’re looking to improve their moves on the dance floor. If someone’s going to a dance class because they want to learn how to foxtrot and merengue, they may not be in the mood to flirt or find a date, especially if you’re an unknown quality.

A lot of guys try to treat dance classes and yoga classes like a sex ATM, so it’s understandable that many women would have their guard up. Even someone who’s single and actively looking doesn’t like feeling like they’re chum in the water as horny sharks swim around. But that’s where being a regular comes in; you’re showing that you’re there for the dancing, not to get laid. Once they understand that you’re not yet another f--kboy, people are more likely to let their guard relax and be willing to get to know you. That, in turn, makes it easier for you to decide if you are interested in them and whether you want them to know it.

This, incidentally, is where the “a bit of a flirt” can actually work for you in the way you’d prefer. If you’re safe to flirt with – or not flirt with, for that matter – then it’s easier to get them to open up; they’ll know that you’re flirting for the fun of it, rather than trying to get into their pants. It also means that you take ‘not interested’ with good grace, meaning that you’re safe to say no to. That earns a lot of points and also means that they’re more likely to actually connect with you – even if it’s platonic at first.

As you get to know them and they get to know you, you can start to ping for reciprocal interest. Once you start seeing that maybe they’d be interested in talking a bit after the song ends or getting a drink at the bar, you can signal that you’re interested in them, specifically.

But again: this requires actually signaling interest and making moves. If you aren’t putting it out there, folks aren’t going to divine it by magic, regardless of where you are. You may need to adjust your expectations to play a slightly longer game, but it still requires active participation.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com