DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Picture the scene – an attractive guy walks into a dance workshop, effortlessly blending in with the class. He flashes a warm smile and laughs with each partner he gets paired up with. As the lights dim and it’s time for social dancing, he’s the first on the floor, confident and full of energy. He dances with a genuine smile, enjoying the experience, and isn’t bothered by little mistakes, laughing them off with ease. He doesn’t take himself too seriously. The women he dances with always rave about what a great lead he is, how comfortable he makes them feel, and how much fun they have dancing with him.

That’s me.

And yet, despite all this, I’ve never once been on a date with a woman.

I’m in my early thirties now, and most of the friendships I’ve had have been with the opposite sex. I’d like to think I strike a healthy balance with my masculinity: I’ve got quiet confidence, natural authority when needed, and firm boundaries. But I also have a good sense of humor, and I’m approachable, kind, and empathetic. I’m not exaggerating when I say I often receive compliments about my dancing, which are usually followed by praise for my personality. People also jokingly mention my “harem of women”, and I can be quite playful and a bit of a flirt. At the last social I attended, I even got compliments on my appearance from a stranger (I’m frequently called handsome). It’s fair to say that women generally think highly of me, and see me as a fun, easygoing guy to be around.

So, why, despite all of these qualities and the fact that I’m often considered attractive, have I never been able to win a woman’s heart, or get her into bed?

I’m aware of one limitation that might be holding me back, but I don’t think it should prevent me entirely. I seem to have bad luck when it comes to meeting women in my age group. Despite trying different things – attending events in other cities, working in various places, and so on – the women I meet are usually older and already in relationships. When I do find someone single, they’re rarely in the mid-twenties to early thirties range I’m looking for, and if they are, they don’t seem particularly interested in getting to know me. At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation. When I tried dating apps a few years ago, I never got any matches. Even when I was surrounded by people my own age, like at university, I still found that women weren’t interested. I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available, but it feels like there’s this invisible barrier that prevents any real connection from happening.

There’s clearly something I’m doing that’s turning women off from seeing me as a romantic or sexual prospect, but I just can’t pinpoint what it is. It’s confusing because the lack of interest I experience seems to be the real reflection of how women perceive me, which directly conflicts with the many positive things that are said. Lately, I’ve been feeling more discouraged about it, to the point where I’m starting to doubt whether I’ll ever actually date anyone in my lifetime.

Dancing On My Own

DEAR DANCING ON MY OWN: Alright DOMO, I want to point something out that comes up a lot in letters like yours. Almost every time I get a letter like this – someone who, in theory, has all the traits and qualities that women would love to see in a partner but who has yet to have so much as a first date – I see a lot about internal qualities, how people enjoy their company, and where they spend their time. What I don’t see is “I asked out X person and Y person and Z person and they all say no.” ��(Frequently, there’ll be mention about how the apps aren’t working for them, but that’s an entirely different beast and one I’ve ranted about repeatedly and at great length.)

It’s very hard for me to gauge what someone’s doing wrong if I don’t know what they’re actually doing. And the way letters like yours are phrased tend to lead me to suspect that they’re not doing any actual asking. In fact, a lot of the time, there’s more talk about people not showing interest than anything that they’re doing to help ping for interest or to build it in the first place.

I say this because I look at your description and I’m not seeing you taking an active role in terms of trying to actually get somewhere with folks. I’m not seeing anything about asking people out, nor am I seeing anything about expressing interest or trying to see how interested they are. Being “a bit of a flirt” is not the same thing as actually flirting with people you’re interested in. That sounds like you make flirty comments with folks you aren’t interested in, or in ways that lead folks not think you’re not serious. That’s all fine if you’re flirting because it’s fun and people enjoy it. But it suggests that there’s a lack of actual intent behind it, and that makes a significant difference. There’s flirting for funsies and then there’s flirting because you’re actually interested and willing to follow through when they flirt back. If there isn’t at least some sign of genuine attraction and interest behind it, then folks are going to assume that you don’t mean it.

Here’s the thing: being attractive is an active quality, not passive. It isn’t something that just happens. It’s not just the presence of certain traits or qualities; it’s how those qualities interplay with one another and – importantly – how they’re put to use.

Being good looking, for example, is not the same as being attractive. A statue can be beautiful, but unless you’re Pygmalion, you’re not going to want to f--k it. Good bone structure and symmetrical features are great, but they don’t do the job by themselves, especially without other qualities to back them up. Every straight woman alive can tell you about a guy who was gorgeous but rendered themselves absolutely unf--kable because of something they said or did. 

The same holds true with other qualities – being fun, being a good dancer, being safe, and so on. These are all good qualities to have. But in and of themselves, they don’t spark attraction. You can be someone people love to dance with, but don’t necessarily want to date, because dancing is fun. But you can have fun without building attraction. You presumably have fun hanging out with your friends, and the fun you have with them makes you want to hang out with them more often. But that doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to your friends or they’re becoming attracted to you. That additional element just isn’t there unless you choose to add it.

Dating and wining hearts requires connection. It requires effort. It requires a spark. Yes, sometimes sparks happen without any effort on anyone’s part. Sometimes people get hit by lightning, too. If you want things to happen, you have to put in effort to make them happen, and that requires being proactive, not passive. Even if the odds are long, you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can’t win the pot at Texas Hold-Em if you don’t at least ante up in the first place.

I mean, if you want to play “spot the problem”, we can leap straight here: “At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation” and here: “I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available”. 

This, right here, is the issue. With both of these, it sounds to me like you’re waiting for them to be making the move, and that’s a mistake. As a general rule, women tend not to make overt first moves, simply because there’s a lot more at risk for them than there is for men. Even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s still intense amounts of social pressure for women to be covert in showing interest rather than doing so overtly or even taking the lead. And in most social dancing, there’s still more of an expectation of men asking women to dance rather than vice versa… especially if the women don’t know the man in question yet.

The same holds for not acting differently around the women who you find attractive or who you think may be single. If you’re not showing that you’re interested in them, they’re not going to necessarily assume it for you. It’s not that you need to start hooting and hollering and beating yourself with a mallet like a cartoon wolf when you see someone you’re attracted to, but you do need to show that you’re attracted to them and would be interested in more than platonic friendship. If you’re behaving like a friend and holding back on any signs of romantic or sexual attraction, they’re going to assume that you’re just looking for friendship. And as I have said many times: nobody can go on a date that you didn’t invite them on.

I would also want to know what, precisely, is happening that you assume they’re not interested in getting to know you. Are you having to go to the orthopedist to get your back fixed because you’re carrying the entire conversation yourself? Are they only giving you brief, non-committal answers when you ask questions and never ask questions back? Are they not matching your energy and coming off as sullen or bored? If that’s the case… yeah, they’re not into you, and it may be that you need to be looking elsewhere. You may be dealing with a demographic who you don’t vibe with, or it may be that this isn’t a place where people are going in order to meet folks that they might want to hook up with.

A lot of women aren’t necessarily going to want to date folks they’ve just met when they’re not in social mode. This is especially true if you’re going to classes with an eye towards hooking up rather than learning, and they’re going because they’re looking to improve their moves on the dance floor. If someone’s going to a dance class because they want to learn how to foxtrot and merengue, they may not be in the mood to flirt or find a date, especially if you’re an unknown quality.

A lot of guys try to treat dance classes and yoga classes like a sex ATM, so it’s understandable that many women would have their guard up. Even someone who’s single and actively looking doesn’t like feeling like they’re chum in the water as horny sharks swim around. But that’s where being a regular comes in; you’re showing that you’re there for the dancing, not to get laid. Once they understand that you’re not yet another f--kboy, people are more likely to let their guard relax and be willing to get to know you. That, in turn, makes it easier for you to decide if you are interested in them and whether you want them to know it.

This, incidentally, is where the “a bit of a flirt” can actually work for you in the way you’d prefer. If you’re safe to flirt with – or not flirt with, for that matter – then it’s easier to get them to open up; they’ll know that you’re flirting for the fun of it, rather than trying to get into their pants. It also means that you take ‘not interested’ with good grace, meaning that you’re safe to say no to. That earns a lot of points and also means that they’re more likely to actually connect with you – even if it’s platonic at first.

As you get to know them and they get to know you, you can start to ping for reciprocal interest. Once you start seeing that maybe they’d be interested in talking a bit after the song ends or getting a drink at the bar, you can signal that you’re interested in them, specifically.

But again: this requires actually signaling interest and making moves. If you aren’t putting it out there, folks aren’t going to divine it by magic, regardless of where you are. You may need to adjust your expectations to play a slightly longer game, but it still requires active participation.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So, let’s cut to the chase. I don’t have a job, and have not had constant work for over a year now, just one temporary job between. I am working on that; I’m applying to jobs and studying for industry certifications to make my resume more attractive. But the thing that’s really hard on me is that being unemployed can be really lonely, most days being just sitting at home.

I’m getting paid unemployment benefits, which is thankfully enough for me to live on, but still limits how much money I can spend. I can’t really go out much, except for a select few activities. My swing dancing group thankfully has a program where I can get in for free if I volunteer, so I do that every week, but I do feel like I need better friendships there. I also want to at least meet up with people on the days where I don’t do that. But a lot of places to go cost money. I have thought about asking others to practice dance with me, but I have a really hard time asking, just in general.

I know it shouldn’t be a priority now, but I also think a lot about not having much physical touch as well, which includes things like cuddles and sex, and that’s been weighing on me. I know I shouldn’t really think about it too much, and should probably deprioritize it this time, but it does weigh on me. Especially because I’m probably not at the point in which I could have a long-term relationship, and I don’t really know if I could ask for anything more casual without the person I’m asking still not minding being around me if the answer is no.

All these problems have existed prior to this, but they’ve been really weighing on me a bit more with unemployment going on, to the point that it sometimes distracts me from getting the work done that I need to do to get myself out of this.

So how should I get better at being social, having any kind of social life, while unemployed?

Broke Like A Joke

DEAR BROKE LIKE A JOKE: This is another verse in everyone’s favorite song: “The Problem You’re Asking About Is Not The Problem You Have”. Everyone sing with me, you know the hook!

OK so. The money issue is definitely a hindrance, I’m not going to lie. For all the times people say that money can’t buy happiness, the fact of the matter is that what money does buy is security, convenience and, in many cases, more options. While that may not be the same thing as happiness, it sure as hell forms the foundations. It’s a lot easier to be happier when you’re not living from paycheck to paycheck or trying to figure out which bill you can get away with not fully paying.

But despite what the hustle-grindset bros and manfluencers will tell you, dating and friendships aren’t luxury goods. Poor people, underemployed and unemployed people all date and have friends and manage to live social lives. It will require more effort on your part, because effort and planning are frequently money-soluble issues. If you don’t have to stretch a paycheck or an unemployment benefit, it’s a lot easier to make spur of the moment plans. But you can have a social life, even a thriving one, when money is tight.

It just requires both doing some research – something that is possible for you, since you still have Internet access – and a willingness to focus on low-cost or free options for going on dates or hanging out. You can, for example, plan dates or get togethers that don’t cost much money. Museums often have a “suggested donation” option or days where entry is either free or discounted. Many cities and towns have regular events like concerts or movies in the park or local festivals. You can plan a romantic picnic on the cheap – literally just a baguette, some cheese and a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck and you’re good to go.

The same goes with hanging out with friends. When it comes to strengthening your friendships, time together is more important than the actual activity. Not to be an old man shaking his cane at the youngsters on his lawn, but I am old enough to remember the days when the “we just get in our car and drive around” was actually a thing people did on a Friday or Saturday night because there was sweet f--k-all else. ��(Yes, those scenes in movies of teens and twenty-somethings cruising up and down the main drag in various towns was a thing, especially before the rise of the multiplex and the mall.)

You can plan hangouts at places that are either cheap to go to or free to get into. There are art walks, lectures and seminars at the local library, volunteer opportunities… applying a little creativity and ingenuity opens up a world of options if you expand your horizons a little beyond going places with a cover charge, require a ticket to get in or otherwise cost money. Hell, I’ve got a friend who decided to get together with his friends at the local sculpture and botanical garden – which is free to enter – and just take photos of one another for their social media and dating apps. Didn’t cost a thing, gave everyone a novel activity to try and everyone had a great time.��But also there’s no reason that some of those hangouts can’t be at your place or your buds’ place with some cheap beers, couch co-op games or abusing someone’s Netflix password. Or you can find a place with cheap drinks or specials you can afford and a live local band. Or, if you live in a college down, there’re often a ton of options that were set up specifically with broke college students in mind. 

Most people, unless they’re snobs or assholes, are going to understand that sometimes s--t happens and you’ve got to stretch your paycheck until it begs for mercy. If they’re actually your friend, the odds that they’re going to drop you like a bad habit because you can’t afford to go to the high-end craft cocktail bar or overpriced wing shack or whatever is very, very low. ��The point is: you can make it work if you’re suitably motivated and willing to do the legwork. But as I said: that’s not the real issue here.

The real issue is that you’re afraid to ask for what you want. Literally none of this is going to be possible if you’re not willing to tell folks “hey, let’s do $CHEAP_THING this weekend!” or otherwise invite them to stuff that you can actually afford. Nor, for that matter, are you going to actually find someone who’s up for a relationship, casual or otherwise, if you’re not willing to risk getting rejected.

Now part of the problem is that I don’t know if you’ve actually thought some of these things through. If, for example, you’re going to propose a casual, no-strings relationship to someone, it’s more than a little absurd to be proposing it to someone who you wouldn’t hang out with otherwise. As a general rule, you really shouldn’t be dating someone you couldn’t be friends with if sex and/or romance weren’t on the table. And unless you’re being an absolute asshole about how you’re going about flirting or asking them if they’re interested in a date, then you really shouldn’t worry that they’re going to not just say “no, thank you” but “ewww, get away from me you horrible goblin, how could you even think that?” Most of the time, the worst you could reasonably expect is some momentary awkwardness that you both agree to power through.

At the same time, however, if what you’re worried about is that by proposing a casual or FWB relationship to someone is going to mean they’re going to start avoiding you or not wanting to hang out with you, then odds are good that you already know what the answer is going to be. This isn’t a “don’t ask questions if you don’t know the answer already” kind of situation, but rather a “you should have a good idea if they’re interested, especially if you’re going to skip straight from ‘let’s go on a date’ to ‘so, you, me, no strings, eh? Eh?’”.

Most casual relationships don’t start as a “Hey, I’m single, you’re single, wanna f--k until we find someone else?” proposition. Most of the time, there’s been some form of expressed interest from both sides – if not a date, then at expression of interest or sexual tension. If you’re thinking of asking them cold, then that’s probably a sign that you don’t have the underlying mutual attraction that’s a pre-requisite for hooking up in the first place. If there already isn’t some mutual chemistry – back-and-forth flirting, moments where the two of you would’ve kissed if something hadn’t interrupted you, casual physical contact that starts getting way less casual and lingering more than a platonic connection would warrant – then this is likely going to seem like it’s coming out of the clear blue sky. And it’s a hell of a lot harder to say “yes” to “want to start a sexual relationship with me” when you didn’t even realize that the other person was interested or you’ve never even thought about it.

And, as I said: that’s not a money problem. Money’s not going to solve it; expensive dates aren’t Love Potion No. 9, expect for people who are attracted to money. Quite the opposite, in fact. Part of what makes Pete Davidson such a popular guy isn’t because he’s putting on the Ritz, is that he’s known for taking his celebrity girlfriends on fun but low-key, normal people dates – getting ice cream and going for a walk, for example. He makes it fun because he’s fun to hang out with, not because he spent every dime for a wonderful time.

These are things you could do, too. But it’s going to be a lot easier to invite someone on a date than to propose hooking up. You can say “hey, I’m not in a position to offer anything long term, but I like you and I’d like to take you out some time. Would you like to grab a couple iced coffees and go see the kite festival?” That’s a much easier lift than trying to go straight to a f--kbuddy connection, especially if neither the “f--k” nor the “buddy” parts were already in play.

I understand the hesitation and I understand how being unemployed makes it that much worse. But it’s not the unemployment that makes any of it untenable. You can’t rely on either friendships or sex partners to fall out of the sky. If you aren’t asking for what you want, you aren’t likely to get it. And if you are going to ask, it’s a lot easier to ask for something far easier to say “yes” to at the start and see if there’s anything there to begin with before you move to “we’ll bang, ok?”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 31-year-old man from Australia who has had ADHD their entire life. I am what most people would consider a relatively handsome looking person. I moved to the capital city of my state about 6 years ago and started using dating apps. Coming from a small country town, I had never really approached woman and never had a long-term relationship. The only times I have been with women since moving to the capital city was when they initiated it with me through friends or something. Anyways, I found a fair amount of success on dating apps, basically dating and having sex with a new girl every month.��After about 3 years of this dating apps use on and off, I finally decided to settle down with one girl who I really like at the time. I was 29 and she was 19 (yeah yikes I know). While she was super young, she had been through a lot of life already and was very mature for her age. She had lived in 5 countries and her mother passed away when she was younger. She lives with her alcoholic father and two brothers.��Our relationship was great, everything flowed so effortlessly, she would come over whenever I was free and make all her free time in her schedule available for me. I really loved hanging out with her, we had the same taste in so many different types of music, same sense of humor, enjoyed the same food. She would be constantly be giggling to herself at all the stupid s--t I would say and do and it would just brighten my day.��We were having sex consistently up until about the 1-year mark. After this point, I think both of us kind of let ourselves go a bit as she had put on a little bit of weight and I had lost a bit of muscle as I had stopped going to the gym as much. I was her first sexual partner so I pretty much had to initiate everything as she didn’t know how. Even after 1-2 years, I was still the initiator and she just never really learned how to be sexy and flirty and to create a vibe for sex. I found myself being attracted to other women more and watching porn more (I was still watching porn a little bit during our relationship but not as much as I was towards the end). After almost 2 years, I was flirting with the idea of being single again and longing for experiencing new women every month (grass is greener effect?)��I still thought she was very cute and we were basically each other’s best friend. But I started to see her be a bit more down and sadder as time went on and maybe that was her subconscious realization of me not being as attracted? A few months ago, she sent the first text to me about how I seemed distant and asking if we are okay. A couple of weeks ago she sent another text when I was away for work asking the same thing and saying that she loves me very much but she has started to feel like she is not enough for me and it’s made her feel very vulnerable. This final text lead me to send a text suggesting that we should break up. Once I got back from work, I invited her over one last time to discuss it in person and boy was I not prepared for these emotions. She basically sobbed in my arms all night, heart racing, trying to come with every idea why we should stay together and that she thought things were moving along and we were going to move in together soon and get a cat. She left me some letters that she had written when we had just begun our relationship and these made me tear up for several days. Even now, two weeks later and having initiated a no contact period, I’m still tearing up over it. I have started to see a therapist and he has given me some questions to consider about what I want in a relationship etc. honestly? I don’t know what I want. I know that I want something like what I just had that was nice! So nice…��Do you think I jumped the gun to quickly and maybe should have talked to her about things? My ADHD makes me super impulsive and I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us at the time. But man, the thought of never having her in my life again feels like something has been torn out of me.

Jumped Too Soon

DEAR JUMPED TOO SOON: Welp, sounds like it’s time for the Chair Leg of Truth.

Let me ask you something JTS: what were you hoping for when you decided to break up with her? Were you missing the early days of the relationship when everything was fresh and new and effortless? Were you thinking that you could do better and find someone who wasn’t going to be as passive a partner in bed? Or did you honestly think this relationship came to its natural conclusion and it was time to call it?

I ask because, quite frankly, I’m not really seeing a problem here that you didn’t create. It seems to me like, you f--ked this one up for no good reason, super-chief.

I’m sympathetic to folks who maybe aren’t used to the ebb and flow of desire in long-term relationships, especially once the NRE stage is over and the desire for novelty starts to reassert itself. But there’s “relationships aren’t necessarily going to be as wild and crazy as the first six month to a year were AND THAT’S OK” and then there’s “Well, I’m finding myself attracted to other people so clearly it’s time to blow up this relationship.” And it seems like you went with the latter option.��And to be fair: there are people who need novelty and who lose interest in their partners after a certain amount of time. But those are people who are best served by leaning into that tendency and not expecting a lifelong, monogamous commitment; that way lies a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.

Being attracted to other women doesn’t mean anything other than that you’re a primate with a sex drive. Humans are a novelty-seeking species, and that desire for novelty includes sexual novelty. We get a burst of dopamine and oxytocin during sex, especially with a new partner. But humans are endlessly adaptable and what’s new and novel eventually becomes our status-quo, no matter what it is, and we don’t get the same happy-brain-juice burst from sleeping with the same person; if we sleep with someone new, then suddenly the pleasure chemical bursts ramp up again.

All of which is to say that the desire for novelty is always going to be A Thing; it’s part of being human and the way that no one person can be all things to us. Part of why people like porn is that it’s a way of getting that desire for novelty met without actually seeking out a new partner. Unless you were actively avoiding having sex with your girlfriend in order to jerk it to porn, that wasn’t a sign that anything was seriously wrong.

And to be perfectly honest, some of the issues you talked about were easily fixable; you just had to open your mouth and say what you needed. There was no reason you couldn’t say “hey, you know what I’d love? I’d love for you to take the lead in bed on occasion” or “You know what might be fun? I’d like you to seduce me…” That could then lead to a discussion about some of the things you’d like to try or that she could do – things that could lead to some new and interesting adventures for the two of you. You could even make a game of it, use this as a basis for exploring fantasies or taking a sort of service-sub approach where you coach her at first on the sort of behavior you wanted to see.

It’s not saying anything about it that was the problem. Your girlfriend wasn’t a mind-reader; if you don’t tell her what you’d like her to try or do differently, she’s not going to magically intuit it or divine it out of the used coffee grounds in the morning.

More to the point, her seeming sad and down probably had a lot to do with the way you were behaving. You were acting like you weren’t attracted to her anymore and you were being distant and it seems like you never actually tried to address any of these things. I’m not surprised that she was worried that something was wrong in a way she couldn’t put her finger on; that’s precisely how you were acting. She was picking up on the vibe you were putting out there, and she was getting upset.

When she was asking about it, what she was asking for was reassurance and for you to at least communicate with her about it. And you didn’t.

Could she have been a little more proactive in saying “hey, what’s wrong?” or “I’m getting a feeling from you and I want to talk about it?” Sure… but also, she was 19 when you met and this was her first serious relationship. I’m not going to hit you too hard about the ages because I think a lot of the age-gap discourse has absolutely lost the plot, but you are older and presumably more mature than her. What’s understandable for someone in their late teens and early 20s is a hell of a lot less reasonable for someone who’s hit his 30s.

And quite frankly, I think the way you handled the break up made things worse. There’s not really a good way to end a relationship, but there’s such a thing as not causing unnecessary pain… which is precisely what you did. In an ideal world, a break up – especially where you aren’t living together and aren’t having to do things like untangle your finances – works best if you rip the bandage off; the longer the process takes, the worse it hurts. The short sharp pain is awful, but dragging it out is worse. And initiating the break up over text, while you were away and finalizing it later was just needlessly cruel. All that did was give her more time to soak in what was about to happen until you called her over to administer the final blow.

You sure as s--t don’t sound like you were even sure you wanted this. I’m not surprised that you were shocked at how things went, but I honestly wonder how you thought it was going to go. Did you think this was going to be a simple and unemotional discussion, ending with her saying “yeah, you’re right, welp, be seeing you”? Because if that’s the case, then way to misread the room dude. Like I said: she already was signaling that she was feeling you pulling away and was worried. This was always going to hurt her. The way you did it just made it worse.

To drag this back to the question you asked: it doesn’t matter if I think you made a mistake. It sounds to me like you think you made a mistake; I’m just not sure if you’re hoping I’m going to tell you that you made the right choice or not. And I’m not going to tell you, in this case. I think you’re the one who has to decide that.

To be clear: I don’t think this relationship was going to last the ages. First relationships often don’t, but then again, all relationships end until one doesn’t. But the fact that this may not have been your last relationship ever doesn’t make blowing it up for stupid reasons hurt less.

So now, you have to be the one to decide what happens next. You clearly have regrets. You are going to have to decide whether you miss your ex specifically, or if you miss the way having a girlfriend made you feel. If you’re going to let this go, then congratulations: this is a learning experience for you. The regret and pain you’re feeling should teach you to be more mindful of what you’re doing next time.

If you’re going to try to walk this back, then you better be ready to do some serious groveling and apologizing for being an idiot. And you’d better be ready for things to be strained while you both try to reconnect and find a new equilibrium – something that may take a damned long time, considering. 

And here’s the other thing: you’re going to have to ask yourself whether those “problems” you had were problems and if they’re fixable. Because unless you can get to the bottom of what you thought went wrong and decide whether they’re fixable – if they were problems at all – then calling her up, telling her you made a mistake and begging her forgiveness and a second chance is just going to lead to the 12” dance remix of your first break up – just faster and more intense.

But whatever you decide, you better be very sure about it. Because, quite frankly, if you try to get back with her and you just make the same mistakes over again? You’re going to cause even more unnecessary pain, and you’re going to deserve every moment of guilt and remorse you get from it.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com