DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Medium-time reader, first time writer.

I have a weird relationship problem and I’m not sure how to handle it without causing more problems. I’ve been dating my girlfriend (let’s call her “Amanda”) for a while now, and for the most part, things are great. But there’s one thing that’s been bothering me, and it’s starting to eat away at the trust I’m trying so hard to build.��It’s her best friend “Hugo”, a guy she’s known for years. 

According to her, they’ve never dated, never hooked up, and she swears it’s purely platonic. I believe her, but I don’t know if HE does, if you understand my meaning. I know he was her friend before she and I got together and I’m trying to respect that, but the way he acts around me makes it really hard.��Hugo’s never outright hostile in ways that I could point to. It always seems to skirt right at the edge of passive-aggressive with just enough deniability that if I make a stink about it, I look like a paranoid asshole. Instead, there’s always this low-key tension. He constantly makes little digs at me — sarcastic comments, passive-aggressive jokes, stuff that makes me look bad in front of her. I don’t know if he’s hoping I’ll hit him or just start yelling, I swear that he’s trying to provoke me into starting an actual fight. He brings up reasons why we’re “obviously” going to have to break up (and then swears he’s joking, can’t we take a joke?) or questions my loyalty or interest in Amanda in these subtle, manipulative ways. And anytime Amanda and I go through a rough patch – nothing serious, just the usual sort of friction that comes up in relationships – or even just have a disagreement, he’s right there whispering doubt into her ear. 

I can’t prove it, but I’m also more than a little convinced that he’s either tried to catfish me or got other friends to try. I’ve had a few DMs from people on my Instagram that seem unusually flirty, but different enough that I don’t think that it’s one of those weird “oh wrong number but whats your name” love scams. And writing it out like that makes me feel like I’m taking crazy pills.��I’m trying my best not to be the stereotype of the possessive jealous boyfriend, but I am well and truly convinced he doesn’t just dislike me, he’s got a thing for Amanda and he sees me as competition. I’m trying not to take the bait, but the needling is constant, and it’s always on the same theme about me and Amanda. I know what I sound like when I write this out but I really feel like he thinks he’s playing the long game, waiting for a chance to wedge himself between us.��I don’t want to be the guy who says, “You can’t be friends with him.” That’s not fair to her, and honestly, I know it would probably backfire. I feel like that’s precisely what he’s hoping for. But I also don’t want to sit back and watch someone slowly poison our relationship from the inside.��How do I protect what we have without looking like I’m trying to control her friendships? How do I handle a situation where I know someone’s intentions aren’t as innocent as they pretend to be?��Appreciate your help,�It’s Not Paranoia If They’re Out To Get You

DEAR IT’S NOT PARANOIA IF THEY’RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU: I’m going to say something that I don’t say very often: I think you may be on to something, INPITOTGY. I think you may be a little jealous, but I don’t think it’s unfounded.

Because, back in my bad old days? I was that guy. And to be honest, I was good at this. To be clear: I’m not proud of the I used to be, and it never worked the way I ultimately hoped. In fact, it once nearly blew up in my face when the woman I was trying to get with called me out for it and (rightly) read me for filth over it. I was never a full-bore Iago or anything, but I was very good at being a habitual line-stepper, giving just enough to throw a little sand in the gears or drip enough poison in someone’s ear to make them have doubts.

To add to this: there’s an actual subset of the dating coach/PUA-redpill/manosphere industry that focuses on how to undermine women’s relationships and convince them to dump their boyfriends or cheat on them with you instead. Back in the long-long ago, when I was still part of the PUA community, people were trading what they called “boyfriend destroyers”, routines and strategies for how to handle women who already had partners.

Most of them didn’t work – I refer you to the “nearly blew up in my face” I mentioned earlier – but the desire was there and where there’s an opening in the market, there will be people who try to fill it.

So yes, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re dealing with a self-declared Nice GuyTM who thinks that you’re the only thing standing between him and his Oneitis. Never mind that, y’know, she isn’t interested in him; he’s hoping that he can wear her down or eventually catch her in a moment of weakness.

So, the obvious question is: what do you do about this? As you point out, if he’s being a habitual line-stepper but he’s careful not to do anything overt enough to lose any plausible deniability, then you run the risk of coming off as jealous and possessive. That’s precisely what he’s hoping for; he wants you to be the irrational, jealous boyfriend. He wants to trade on the “I was her friend first” aspect of their relationship. It’s a point of pride to him, a “I’ve seen them come and go, and I’m still here”. That longevity doesn’t overcome everything, but it definitely counts for a lot.

Well, the most obvious answer is that you need to not take the bait. He’s hoping for a “it’s him or me” ultimatum, especially if he can pretend to be the victim. Even just calling him out on it privately is going to make it easier for him to play the “I’m just a little guy!” game. As frustrating as it is, you are in a position where you’re going to be perceived as having more social cachet and power than him, so even if you’re in the right, there’s the very real risk of looking like you’re punching down (metaphorically). As much as it sucks, you are stuck having to take his s--t with a smile.

But please note that this isn’t the same thing as doing nothing. Yeah, he’s running a game on you. Yeah, knowing he’s running a game on you doesn’t make it easier. But nobody said you had to play according to his rules. In fact, you’re in a position where you can make it backfire on him.

Here’s the thing: his ultimate goal is to change how Amanda sees you and thinks about you – whether by undermining you in her eyes, or provoking a reaction out of you that would make her angry enough to dump you. As someone who’s run this game before, I can tell you exactly where the weak points are.

The first is that this requires that you feel threatened by him. The way he needles at you is intended to prick your ego, but also to make you worry that it’s working on Amanda. If he can’t manage either, this part of his plot fails.

So start by flipping the script on him. He needs you to be the brittle, jealous bro. Go the opposite direction: be the himbo instead. Rather than treating him like a threat, treat him like a buddy. Now I don’t mean that you need to really be friends with him; that would be preferable, but it seems like he’s determined to play the asshole.  By being friendly and helpful, you disarm any accusations of your being threatened or jealous of him. It’s hard to say “hey this guy’s a jealous, controlling loser” when you’re being friendly, inviting him to grab beers and generally being a human-shaped golden retriever when he’s around.  Playing along with the needling – the classic “agree and amplify”, where you functionally “yes and” whatever he starts with and take it to an absurd level – robs his put-downs and negs of power and makes you into someone who’s not just self-aware, but confident enough to joke about yourself. It also makes him look like a jerk if he keeps trying to pick a fight and you treat it like it’s all great fun. Doubly so if you don’t zing him back, or do so in a way that isn’t actually mean or insulting. It’s like trying to punch a sponge; when there’s no resistance or hard surfaces, everything just sinks in without real impact.

You can even do things like offer to help him meet some lovely ladies or – even better – say you’ll set him up. “Hey, have I told you about my friend $_NAME? She broke up with her asshole boyfriend last month and I think you and she would get along great! How about I get you two together and we see what happens?”

It’s going to be very hard for Hugo to refuse this without being obvious and it f--ks with the narrative he’s trying to build. It also could lead to him meeting someone else and finally letting go of his attempt to monopolize Amanda, which means everyone’s a winner.

The other weak point is that he wants to sew division between you and Amanda. This is a risky play, especially if you and Amanda are already pretty solid; the odds of it backfiring are high, especially if he ends up tipping his hand too much. So your play is to frustrate him until he makes a mistake.

There are a couple ways guys like him will try to bust up a relationship. One is to create jealousy plotlines, where he tries to imply that you’re not faithful to her. The other is to try undermine you by making you look stupid, uncool or otherwise work against your appeal to her. In both cases, this requires a level of emotional intelligence on his part, but it also requires that there be enough room or him to drive a wedge in. The way you beat it is actually simple: you behave the way you did at the start of the relationship. You don’t want to make a sudden 180 – that’s the sort of thing that can come across as “wait, are you trying to compensate for something?” – but you do want to start to ramp up the good-boyfriend behavior.

I’m a big believer in “the way you won them is the way you keep them”; that is, the behavior that helped you partner fall for you is precisely how you keep the relationship strong and vibrant. So returning to the behaviors from the start of your relationship with Amanda, when everything was fresh and new, is precisely what helps strengthen it. Remember the days when you would do little things out of the blue, simply because they made her smile? Or the level of effort you were making when planning dates and getting together with her? Remember the random flirting and compliments and affection? Bringing that back is the sort of thing that makes Amanda feel good without coming off as being performative or like you’re trying to distract her from a mistake you made. It reminds her of why you two fell for each other in the first place and it will just make her happy.

It’s hard to have doubts in a relationship when your partner is making you feel appreciated and desired. It’s hard to sell “he’s not good for you” or “I bet he’s trying to get someone on the side” when you’re showing up after she had a long day at work with take-out and a cozy movie queued up on Netflix so she can relax and de-stress.

Bringing that happy-boyfriend energy makes him look small and petty and strengthens your connection with Amanda. And, at some point, you can say “hey, can I something crazy? You know him better than I do, but I would swear  that Hugo’s got a crush on you.”  The important thing is that you treat this as being cute, not threatening or – and this is important – absurd. You do not want to talk Hugo down. You aren’t trying to imply that he’s sad, pathetic or delusional for thinking he has a chance, and you absolutely don’t want to imply that he’s Nice Guy-ing her. If anything, you’re a little worried that he’s going  to get hurt, because he doesn’t deserve that.  You play it as though you’re picking up on a faint vibe and let Amanda take it from there. You follow her lead – if she doubts it, then all you need to say is “I dunno, you’re pretty crush-able” and make it more about how awesome Amanda is. If she asks if you’re jealous, you go with the “agree and amplify” routine – you’re either about to go Big Moose on him (with appropriate levels of “daaaaaah, stay away from my goil” levels of oafishness) or “Hey, I’m never going to stand in the way of true love!” If she thinks you’re wrong, then you nod and say “…yeah, probably. I just assume everyone likes you the way I do because it seems absurd to me that they wouldn’t, because you’re pretty damn special.”

Remember that part of the point is that you are agreeing that Amanda knows him better than you do, so you ultimately agree with her. And then you drop it, while continuing to be the awesome boyfriend you are. And I do mean continuing; you don’t drop things once Hugo’s no longer an active problem. Yes, you’re trying to handle a guy who’s attempting to interfere with your relationship, but continuing to treat your girlfriend like you just started dating strengthens your relationship overall. This ends up creating a win-win situation for you. Not only does Hugo get to flail impotently, but your relationship with Amanda improves because of it.

It’s an annoying situation, to be sure, and I understand that you’re frustrated. By being the better man and boyfriend, you ultimately benefit and Hugo either gives up and grows up, or else he’ll f--k up big enough for Amanda to call him on it. Either way: you and Amanda win.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I went to a concert with a friend of mine, they invited me at the last minute. It was Poppy, an up-and-coming metal singer. My friend (a femme non-binary person) is a bit of a goth and they enjoy that scene while I am somewhat uninitiated.

We really had a great time. We talked a lot about life and our interests and the whole experience just flowed nicely. This was the first time I ever felt truly at peace being myself around someone. Normally I feel the need to kind of put on an act when I’m trying to connect with a woman but for the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to. At one point I turned to them and hit them with the ol’ “I really want to kiss you right now.” They said they didn’t want to complicate our relationship and jokingly mentioned they were a “walking basket of red flags” and that they have too many mental issues going on to date. I am perfectly ok with this and in these situations I’d rather air on the side of respecting boundaries.

But the feeling is clearly mutual. We are very physically comfortable with each other; we don’t mind being in each other’s space and we still flirt and tease one another.

I guess I’m asking if I did the right thing. Should I have used the whole “she wants to jump in the pool, you just have to ease her into it” routine you have mentioned in the past? Or did I do the right thing by not pushing it?

Too Much Or Not Enough

DEAR TOO MUCH OR NOT ENOUGH: This one’s easy, TMNE: you did the right thing by not pushing it. You made the offer, she said “I appreciate it, but no, thank you.” That’s the end of the discussion.

Here’s the thing about flirting: it’s about having fun with a person while showing you’re attracted to them. But part of being good at flirting is recognizing where someone’s limits are. The metaphor I come back to often – how do you get someone to join you in the pool on a hot day – is about encouraging someone to do something they’re at least thinking about doing. That’s why, in that metaphor, I talk about “how do you encourage them to get in”; going over and metaphorically picking them up and tossing them in as they writhe and protest wasn’t one of the options.

Now, another part of flirting is that you’re checking for mutual interest. How someone responds gives you an idea of whether they’re feeling it or not, whether it’s a case of “I like the idea but not yet”, if they’re interested in flirting for funsies but without intent, or maybe they’re just not into the idea at all. This is why I talk about flirting in stages; you do some light flirting and see how they respond. If they respond by flirting back, you can escalate the flirting a little – I like the guide of “meet their energy + 10%” if you’re unsure.

If they don’t flirt back or you feel like the response wasn’t clear, you can try again at the same general level; if the response is still unclear or “no”, they’re not interested. If you escalate things a little but they don’t flirt back at that level, that’s likely your upper limit for now. That is to say: they like you and are enjoying flirting with you, but this is the level to which they want to take things; give them time to decide if and when they’re ready for more.

But if someone gives a “no, that’s not what I’m interested in” or “I’m not up for this”, then that’s that.

Your friend made it clear that they’re either not interested in something physical with you, or they know themselves enough to know they’re not in a place where that would be a good idea. That’s their final word on the topic for now. As it stands, you have to trust their judgement and to trust them to know whether this is something they want to or are able to pursue.��You put the option out there. If they change their mind, hey, they know you’re interested. Respecting that, and keeping things to the level where you’re both comfortable and having fun is the best thing you can do. It won’t ensure that when and if their circumstances change that they’ll want to pursue something with you… but trying to pressure them into changing their mind will almost certainly ensure that they won’t.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been seeing this amazing woman, “Maria” for the over a year now, and honestly, this is probably the best relationship I’ve been in. We click on every level I could want from a girlfriend or wife. She’s quite honestly the whole package. She’s smart, ambitious, creative, caring, stubborn as the day is long when it’s called for. I watched with awe as she went full mama-bear over the way the school seriously mishandled an issue with her son. I would crawl over broken glass for the privilege of doing her laundry. Because we’ve been together for this long and because I honestly think I’ve got something real and lasting with Maria, we’ve reached the stage where she finally introduced me to her son. He’s a great kid. Smart like his mom, imaginative, loves building things. He’s a little shy, but he and I are getting along well.

Here’s the thing: I knew that she was a single mom from the beginning. It never bothered me. But now that we’re moving into more serious territory and this is clearly more than a short-term thing, some of my friends have started making comments. When we were starting to date, nobody really said anything. Now, I’m noticing their attitudes change. At first, it was just the occasional joke. Stuff like, “So when’s your next PTA meeting?” or “Ready to trade your balls in for a minivan?” Standard ball-busting stuff on the surface, maybe, but now that I’m getting serious about her, the tone of the jokes have started changing for the worse.

Now they’re outright telling me I’m making a mistake. That I’m a fool for “raising another man’s kid,” that I’ll “never come first,” and that women like her are just looking for substitute dads, that I won’t be able to love a child that’s not biologically mine. Some of them even send me clips of these internet “alpha male” types who talk about how men should avoid single mothers at all costs, how we’re being conned or being taken advantage of. 

The worst part is, it’s making me question whether I’m making a bad decision here. Not about whether I really care about Maria and her son, but if I’m actually father material. I care deeply about Maria, and I think the world of her son. But now I wonder if I’m ready to be a father and what will happen if Maria and I have a child together in addition to her son? Will I unconsciously favor my child over him? And what if my friends are right, and I’m signing up for a life that will always come second? I also worry that maybe I’d end up hurting her son or doing wrong by him somehow, even unintentionally and I’d never want that.

I know this is irrational thinking and I hate that these thoughts are even in my head, because this relationship has been nothing but healthy, supportive, and full of joy. I don’t want to let toxic noise from the outside world sabotage something real. But I also don’t want to walk blindly into something I’m not emotionally ready for.

How do I know if I’m truly cut out for this? And how do I deal with friends who seem more interested in mocking my relationship than supporting it?

Sincerely,

Is This Shirt Made of Father Material?

DEAR IS THIS SHIRT MADE OF FATHER MATERIAL: There’s one surefire way to solve your problem, ITSMFM: you need a better class of friends, so you should dump this crew and trade up.

I’m being serious here. I don’t know if you’re dealing with a bunch of Peter Pan wanna-bes who never actually grew up or folks who’ve been huffing the fumes from a bunch of right-wing, men’s rights cesspools until it cooked their brains or what, but these aren’t your friends. They’re a bunch of people you’ve known for a while and there’s a difference.

Friends are people who love and support you and want the best for you. If there were legitimate reasons to worry – Maria behaved in questionable ways, you had a habit of leaping into relationships before you were ready, you were someone who didn’t have the maturity or sense of responsibility to manage your own life, never mind helping to raise a child… yeah, there might be cause for friends to say “hey, have you thought this through? Are you sure you’re ready for this level of responsibility?” They’d be giving you a reality check and asking you to put some real thought into this.

Instead, they’re coming at you with the sort of claims that a z-tier Joe Rogan guest would be ashamed to make and telling you that the woman you’ve been dating for over a year now is just using you to find a dad for her son. That doesn’t sound like friends or compatriots or people who want what’s best for you. That sounds like a bunch of people who’ve never had a thought that didn’t come pre-chewed by a bunch of people who sell drop-shipped dick pills, crypto scams, and courses how to use abuse tactics to keep women in line. The fact that they’re telling you that you can’t – not just won’t, but can’t love a child because you’re not biologically related to them tells me that they know next to nothing about love or parenting. I wouldn’t be relying on these guys to pick a movie, never mind relationship advice.

Hell, I don’t think I’d trust their opinions on cheese.

I’m sure that, at some point, your friendship with them must have been rewarding in some way. It sure as hell sounds like those days are long gone, and it’s kind of a question mark in my brain as to why they’re still around.

So let me ask you a serious question: you talk about standard ball-busting behavior, but when is the last time any of these guys have been even remotely supportive of you? I don’t mean in the sense of “bought you a beer when you had a long day” – though that’s up in the air too. I mean “when is the last time they’ve done something or said something that made a positive and meaningful impact in your life?” Have they ever encouraged you to pursue a dream that you had put on hold? Have they ever rallied around you when things were bad and you were in a low point?

I mean, sure, a lot of guys have friendships with a degree of brotherly antagonism and s--t-talk. But could you go to these guys – either one-on-one or as a group and admit to being scared or confused and needing support? If you had a legitimate problem – something that couldn’t be ‘solved’ with jocularity and booze – could you go to them and expect real or meaningful support? Would they have your back and cheer you on if you were going to take a leap of faith in your career, especially if it meant something like moving away? Would they be ready to rally around you if you had a devastating loss and needed help? Would they even be people you could turn to if you needed someone to dog-sit while you were out of town?

Or are these the kinds of friends where you might go to the bar to see the game with, but you couldn’t rely on if you needed real help?

Because it sounds to me like this is a bunch of people who would s--t-talk someone for trying to get sober and keep insisting that one beer never hurt anyone… even knowing that it would never stop at one beer.

There’re a lot of times when the people in our lives are only there because of inertia and/or longevity; they’re part of our social circle because we’ve known them for so long that it seems like we have to keep them around. I promise you: you absolutely don’t. If someone has become a genuine net-negative in your life, someone who doesn’t just bring out the worst in you but actively drags you backwards or pulls you down like a millstone around your neck? That’s someone who you can cut out of your life without worry… even if they’ve been in it for a while.

And it sure as s--t sounds like your friends have taken on that role with glee. So I think you should match their energy by cutting them loose with equal enthusiasm.

I’m going to be honest: I focus on the issue of your friends because that sounds like the real problem here. If it hadn’t been for them acting like all the most-divorced-man energy in your state wished really hard and became a real boy, I doubt you’d be having any question about your feelings for Maria or caring for her son. And while I know that the plural of anecdote isn’t “data”: I have known people personally who have been in relationships with single mothers, who have married single mothers and had children with them… and quite frankly I have never seen more devoted and supportive dads to all of their children. Whether by biology or by marriage, their boys are their boys and that’s the end of the story.

There are real things to be concerned about when it comes to having a serious relationship with a single mother. This isn’t one of them. Not for you, not for these circumstances and not for this relationship with Maria or her son.

Here’s the other thing to keep in mind: nobody knows for sure whether they’re ready to be parents. Even people who’ve read all the books, took all the courses, did all the prep-work they could… they worry about if they’re ready. And in a real way, they can’t be, because as the saying goes: man plans and the gods laugh. Nothing ever goes to plan, especially where kids are involved. But the people who make the best parents are the ones who resolve that they’re going to do the best job they possibly can, no matter what happens. The ones who’ve prioritized loving and raising their kids more than “being ready” or having their lives planned out.

Now, I do want to make a cautionary note: it sounds like you only just met her son. That’s a huge step in and of itself. Being in her son’s life on a regular basis is going to be a big change to his life. I think you should give more time before you take the next one. He’s going to need some time to adjust and you are going to need time to find your place in the family dynamic.

And that part is important. You don’t mention, for example, whether his father’s still in the picture and if so, under what circumstances. You don’t mention whether Maria is co-parenting with her son’s father, what her relationship is with his father, what her son’s relationship is with his father… these are all important things to take into consideration. Even under the best of circumstances, where everyone’s at least in a happy, respectful and supportive relationship, it takes time to merge into the dynamic without unnecessary disruption or confusion.

Don’t get me wrong: I think you’re doing a great job so far, and it sounds like you’re with a great woman. I also think a little apprehension and worry, especially for her son’s well-being says a lot about you. If you weren’t worried that you might make things worse for him… well, I’d be more concerned. But from the sounds of it, your heart and your head are in the right place.

As far as your relationship with Maria goes, I think the best thing you can do is give it time. You’ve reached a significant stage with them; now you need to let things settle a bit and the three (or four) of you will find your new status quo before it’ll be time for the next step.

But your friends? I think they’re surplus to requirements at best, an active anchor at worst. It sounds like you grew up and they just grew older. It’s time to cut them loose and find better ones. 

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com