DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping you can help me with a relationship situation that nobody seems to have any good advice for. I’m a 35-year-old bi man, and my partner (35, also male) (we’ve been together for years) and I have been in a poly triad with M, a 25-year old non-binary person for over two years. We first invited M as a special guest star, but after several repeat visits, we welcomed them in as our official third and became a throuple.

Years later, things between me and M have become strained and we broke up. The break up was as undramatic and mature as it could be, all things considered, but it still hurts to see them and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter about it.

But here’s the thing: I may have broken up with M, but they’re still dating my partner, and they’re still a big part of each other’s lives. 

I’m really struggling with this. It’s really hard to let go and move on when M is still around. Seeing the two of them together makes me feel like I’ve been squeezed out, even though my partner still loves me and is still committed to us. Everything is uncomfortable for me, but seemingly just fine for my partner and M, and I don’t know how to deal with this. 

We’ve always done the relationship anarchy style polyamory, and I don’t feel like I can make demands that my partner break up with M just because I did. But at the same time, I feel like my comfort with the situation is coming in second, especially since M is regularly staying at our house.  

I’m not sure what my boundaries should be or how to cope with this new dynamic without causing any drama, making unreasonable asks or telling my partner that it’s me or them. At the same time, is it unreasonable for me to say “could you maybe not” when they’re canoodling on the couch?  Or to ask that, if they’re going to keep seeing each other, to at least not bring it home? The first time I asked my partner that, he said that didn’t seem right, since M all but lived with us for the last year and declaring our place to be off limits now would be unfair.

Do you have any advice for how to deal with a throuple break up when two legs of the triangle are still together? I want to respect my partner’s relationship, but I also want to not have this flung in my face all the time.

Thanks so much for your help!

Two Out of Three Ain’t Sad

DEAR TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T SAD: You know, I’ve been writing this column for *mutter* years now, and there’re days when it feels like there’re no new questions under the sun.

Well, congratulations, TOTAS, because I think you’ve brought me one that I’ve never had to answer before. If I’m being honest, it’s not that complicated. It’s like a weird combo of a poly couple dealing with one person dating and the other not and trying to live in the same apartment with your ex. Fortunately, that gives us a bit of guidance as to how to handle this.

First and foremost: yeah, it’s an uncomfortable situation, especially if things between you and M are tense. It can be hard to see your partner be happy when you’ve just been handed your walking papers. Seeing them with the person you just broke up with is going to make it sting that much more. It’s not surprising that you feel surplus to requirements; a break-up like this is almost designed in a laboratory to make you feel like you were always the inconvenience that your ex put up with to get what they really wanted.

(God I hope that wasn’t the case for you because if so, then your partner should be tossing M to the curb as well, if only because that is a s--tty thing to do to someone. And if M is willing to be that s--tty to you – someone your partner loves and is committed to – then I think that the best thing to do is dump them so hard their grandparents get retroactively divorced.)

I think you need to have a long and awkward talk with your partner about this and how it’s making you feel. You mentioned bringing this up to your partner before and it didn’t go well. I think you should make a point of talking to him again about this, but this time lead with how the whole situation is making you feel.

Tell your partner about how you’re feeling squeezed out, about how M being around all the time is making it hard for you to get over them and how this is starting to encroach on what’s your space too. Yes, it made sense for them to be part of the household when the three of you were an item. However, not to put too fine a point on it but: you were here first, and this presumably is your house as much as it is your partner’s. It doesn’t sound like M’s name was put on the deed, nor do you suggest that they were paying rent, so presumably they have their own place. I think you’d be well in your rights to ask your partner to, say, not bring M around so often or that if he’s going to still be seeing M, M should be hosting, if only out of consideration for you.

Even in a non-hierarchical, anarchic poly relationship, you do get to have boundaries, and to say “there’re some things we should save for this relationship”. I don’t think drawing some lines, like “maybe no sleepovers at our house while I’m here” or “keep it to the guestroom” are unreasonable. I also don’t think it would be unreasonable to say “I’m not going to tell you to break up with them or never see them again, but for the sake of my feelings, could you tone things down around me?” Not being lovey-dovey when you’re around doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, especially in the immediate aftermath of a break up, where that can feel like pouring salt in the wound.

(And possibly especially so, depending on the circumstances of the break up) ��The important thing to emphasize is that you’re not saying that you and M broke up and now the only thing to be done is for M to be thrown into the Negative Zone… as satisfying as that might be. You’re not giving an ultimatum that your partner needs to dump M or else. You’re just asking for some consideration and care from your partner – especially now that they’re your only partner – in the wake of being broken up with. You need a little TLC and some time to heal, and right now, you’re not getting either. I think you’re well within your rights to ask for more of your partner’s time and affection and a lot more of his consideration. ��If it wasn’t for the fact that your ex is still dating your partner, there wouldn’t be a question of your getting some more care and attention under the circumstances. Not doing so would be more self-evidently callous, even cruel. The ex being in the picture only complicates things in as much as you feel like you’re not allowed to ask for what you need. That’s not the case. You’re allowed to – and absolutely should – advocate for yourself and tell your partner what you need. So speak up and make it clear what you need from him right now.��If he cares for you, these shouldn’t be big asks.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years but in the last year there have been big changes. She’s 47 and I’m 59 and we’re about to be empty nesters.

I’ve learned over the last six months that in 2022, she went through a lot of s--t. During that time, she left her corporate job and started working at a zoological center, she lost 30 pounds and got a cute hairdo, she may have started pre-menopause, and she quietly quit the marriage.

I did begin to suspect something was off in the marriage in March of 2024 and this only seemed to worsen with time. The week before she went out of the country for a business conference), I did find a yellow g-string in her lingerie drawer, which I had never seen before. I did call her while she was out of town, and confronted her on this and her response was “do you have a picture of it”?

Which I felt was an odd response; the day after she returned, we started counseling and continue counseling. We go to both individual and group counseling and it is helping. Our relationship is getting stronger and there were issues we should have addressed long ago.

My wife maintains her innocence and I did see other signs that may point toward infidelity, but she maintains she has never owned a yellow g-string.

Last night in counseling, we did come to some compromise, where my wife maintains her innocence and I did compromise and say the interpretation of the g-string could be a narrative of infidelity but equally a narrative of miscommunications; no one has ever explained it to me.

My question though with all the confusion around these issues – how can you tell if your wife is possibly going through a midlife crisis? I ask because my wife is what would be called a chaos kid; her father was emotionally abusive, the family is dysfunctional, my wife as a teen was diagnosed as bi-polar, and her mother was physically abused. It does seem that my spouse would fit the profile of someone going through a midlife crisis.

Early on in counseling, the counselor told me she believes my spouse may have experienced childhood trauma.

Best,

King Dot Thong

DEAR KING DOT THONG: I’m going to be real, KDT, I’m not exactly crazy about applying terms like “quiet quitting” to marriages and relationships. To be fair…

(To be faaaaaaiiiiiiir)

…I find the term obnoxious even in business contexts, since “quiet quitting” generally means “isn’t willing to work excessive amounts of overtime, nor to take on work that’s not in their job description.” Applying that to relationships brings up all sorts of unpleasant (and hopefully, unintentional) implications, and it really ends up obfuscating what was going on. Especially since it seems like you didn’t even notice that she was acting differently until two years later…

Part of the problem with describing issues with unclear language like this is that it makes it hard to tell precisely what’s going on and how she’s behaving. That can make it difficult to judge precisely what happened and whether you’re right – she was likely cheating – or if something else was going on that would make all of this a series of wacky misunderstandings. The same goes for “went through a lot of s--t”; some of the s--t she went through may well have been relevant to her behavior and give reason to see things one way rather than the other.

Now, if I’m understanding things right, it’d be more accurate to say that she’d checked out or was acting like she was no longer interested in being married. That’s an understandable reason to worry. So, too, are those changes. Someone suddenly making profound changes to their look, making a more determined effort to lose weight… those are traditional indicators that maybe someone is taking steps to get back on the dating scene.

But not necessarily always. Sometimes, it’s a matter of making a clean break or a change in circumstance, or even finally feeling like one has a sense of purpose and clarity again. Consider The Incredibles; part of the complication of the story is that Bob (Mr. Incredible) has been forced into retirement and is living out a soul-killing existence. When he is offered a chance to get back into the superhero life (admittedly, on the down-low), suddenly he’s back, emotionally, to where he was when life was more fulfilling. He’s working out, he’s dressing differently, he’s got more energy, more life than before… and that’s precisely why Helen (Mrs. Incredible) thinks, not unreasonably, that he may be cheating on her.

If you’re dealing with a soul-killing job or serious burnout, for example, it’s easy to lose touch with things that used to matter to you. You stop caring about your appearance to the same degree, you stop putting as much effort into life and so on, simply because you feel like every day is another day of being in thrall to a vampire that’s just draining a little more of your life away. If you reach a point where you either break free or are given a way out, it can feel like being given a new lease on life. Let me tell you: few things made me feel better instantly than quitting a really, really s--tty job, and those good feelings were enough to make me go “f--k, I gotta make some changes around here.”

The same goes with major milestones in life. Part of why we talk about mid-life crises is because of how common it is for folks to be laboring through life, existing rather than living and having lost touch with the dreams and optimism of one’s youth. Waking up and suddenly realizing you’re 40 (or 50 or…) and you have more years behind you than ahead of you can make someone say “what happened to me?” and want to shake things up. The same could be said for the impending empty nest. After decades of life as a parent, suddenly not filling that role in the same way can be a real shock to the system. It’s precisely the sort of thing that can make a person say “well, now that I’m not $PARENT anymore, who do I want to be?”

Now where things start getting weird – and possibly weird for no good reason – is finding the g-string in her underwear drawer. Finding new underwear isn’t necessarily a sign of infidelity; sometimes people will just buy something because it makes them feel sexy and that’s all they need from it. However, the denying its existence – and asking “do you have a picture of it” – is a head-scratcher. It’s one thing to say “hey, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this”. It’s another to straight up say “who’re you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”

But even then, I could see a reason where this might make sense. As someone who, thanks to ADHD-based memory f--kery and related impulse control issues, has found articles of clothing in my closets that I had absolutely forgotten I’d bought years ago. As a result, I can see a world where your wife was legitimately unsure what you were talking about and was asking for a picture of it either to jog her memory, or to say “honey, that’s a t-back not a g-string”.

But even so… it’s still weird.

It sounds to me like what you’re ultimately asking for is reassurance – whether this was all a series of unlikely but explicable coincidences, signs of a midlife crisis, or was it likely that she was cheating? It certainly sounds like it could be a midlife crisis, and her being bipolar would make many things make sense. ��All in all, this is a situation where you had reason to be suspicious. I sure as hell don’t blame you for thinking that your wife may have been stepping out on you. The evidence, while not 100% conclusive, certainly points strongly in that direction. There’s also the issue of your wife being bipolar and possibly a victim of childhood abuse or trauma. That, too, could explain things; people who are going through a manic phase will often behave in chaotic or unusual ways, occasionally with little clear understanding of why and often little memory of it afterwards. So, yes, this could be explained by the manic swing after a prolonged depressive one, on top of other life issues.

However, now I’m going to ask the question that relationship advice columnists really aren’t supposed to ask: are you sure you want to know the answer? After all: the evidence isn’t rock solid, there’re other potential explanations and at this point and you’ve more or less said “ok, I accept you weren’t cheating” as part of your counseling sessions. That doesn’t close the book on things, but it definitely does at least imply that you were agreeing to let it go.

There’s also the fact that, frankly, you and your wife went through couple’s counseling, you’re finally addressing long-ignored problems and your relationship is back on the upswing. I’m never going to say that you shouldn’t question a good thing but… is there really an upside to questioning the precise nature of the actions that ultimately lead to things getting better? If she had been acting suspiciously before but now things have improved and you’re both happier for it, would it be simpler to just say “ok, midlife crisis made things tense, but it ultimately led to a better, stronger relationship?”

Because, I’m gonna level with you: I’ve known a lot of folks who thought they wanted to know, and I’ve known a lot of folks who didn’t know until someone made it impossible for them not to know. And in 99% of those cases… they were all happier not knowing and wish they could go back to ignorance. Especially if they weren’t going to end the relationship. 

Every relationship is ultimately a story the people in the relationship tell themselves – whether it’s the story of strife that tore them apart or struggles that, while difficult, ultimately lead to bringing them closer together. If things are better for the both of you, you’re not interested in divorce, and her suspicious behavior’s abated, I think it makes sense to take the happier option. Sometimes, the best and happiest ending to a time of strife is to say “yeah, sounds like she was working through some s--t and that lead to us uncovering a lot of issues we really should’ve dealt with before now. There’s still a way to go, but things are doing better, we love each other, and we’re taking it day by day.”  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have one question for you. My boyfriend asked me to do golden shower some time ago.. And I accepted because it didn’t mean anything for me, and I could do it for him. But after some time, I told him that I don’t want to do it anymore.. and he accepted my decision. But the problem is that I lost my attraction to him. I feel kind of disgusted. Do you think that this is something I can overcome, or I should break up with him? Other areas of our relationship are very good.

Golden Shower? Golden Parachute

DEAR GOLDEN SHOWER? GOLDEN PARACHUTE: Hey, points for giving things the ol’ college try, GSGP. It wasn’t for you – hell, it’s not for most people – but you gave it a shot for your boyfriend’s sake. That’s admirable; trying things that your partner is into that you aren’t is a core part of making a relationship work. When our partners are willing to at least make an attempt at things that we like, we feel seen and appreciated, even when it didn’t necessarily work out.

And it absolutely didn’t for you, and that’s ok. The part that’s tricky is dealing with your feelings about it and about your boyfriend. I’d suggest actually digging into why you feel kind of disgusted by this, and I suggest you dig deeper than “because it’s pee”.

Here’s the thing: I’m with you. I don’t dig on water sports like that. I don’t grok it, I don’t get the appeal and it’s not something I’d want to try. But at the end of the day: it’s a case of your kink isn’t my kink and that’s fine. I know water-sports are one of the kinks that get held up as part of the “look at these degenerate freaks” parade to shock the normies, but the fact of the matter is that as far as paraphilias go, it’s not really that extreme. We’ve got a lot of ick around it because it’s urine – you know, human waste – but it’s low investment, low effort and low risk. It’s hot water – occasionally smelly water if the person’s not well-hydrated or drinks a lot of coffee or eats a lot of asparagus, but it’s hot water. Do it in the shower, and you barely even know the difference. The associations with it tend to be worse than the actual act.

So what is it about having tried your boyfriend’s kink that disgusts you? Is it about cleanliness? Do you feel like it crosses some moral event horizon – a “this is ok, this is the realm of unhappy perverts”? Is it the symbology of it – pissing on something as a mark of dominance – and your boyfriend being in an inherently submissive role turns you off? Is it something you’d find degrading if done to you and so you kind of reverse double-backflip that degradation onto his asking for it?

Is there a sort of resentment going on? Do you have desires that you’re afraid to act on because they’re outré or unusual or “degenerate”, and the fact that your boyfriend can both ask for his and say “ok, thanks for trying” with seemingly no shame or remorse when you tell him you’re not doing it any more triggers some sense of unfairness in you?

Or, and stick with me here, is this a knee-jerk reaction? Is it possible that this was ultimately neutral for you, but you’re reacting with this to disgust because you’re “supposed” to be disgusted by it?

The more you can articulate the whys and wherefores about what you feel, the more you can understand how you feel, and what to do about it. Maybe it’s not about the pee, so much as the symbolism of it. Maybe it’s dealing with the complexity of someone who can be dominant in some areas and submissive in others. Or maybe it just gave you the ick and you can’t un-ick it. Not everyone’s kinky and not everyone’s gonna be cut out for being the standard-issue person with a kinkster partner.

While you’re thinking things through, take some time for some turnaround. What are some things that he can do that are solely for your pleasure that he doesn’t do or hasn’t done yet? Having some time when he’s focused entirely on things that get you off, for the pleasure of your pleasure might help flip the switch back for you. You may not grok his kink, but the idea of “I’m not into this but I’m into you” might help you move through to the other side and back to being attracted to him again.

And if not… well, sometimes that happens. Sometimes you’ll run into the thing that makes you say “Ok, we’re just not right for each other” and that’ll be that. No harm, no foul, especially since it sounds like your boyfriend’s been a gentleman about all of this. It seems like he handled this as well as could be. He was up front with his interest, asked politely, and when you said “I don’t want to keep doing this”, he took it in stride and good grace. Those are good things in a partner, especially one who has interests that you may or may not be able to rock with.

But if you do decide this was a kink too far and you can’t come back from it? Make it clear that this really is about you, rather than about him. You can find yourself a nice, meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, and he can find his kinky queen with rubber sheets and a walk-in shower and you’ll both be the happier for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com