DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years but in the last year there have been big changes. She’s 47 and I’m 59 and we’re about to be empty nesters.

I’ve learned over the last six months that in 2022, she went through a lot of s--t. During that time, she left her corporate job and started working at a zoological center, she lost 30 pounds and got a cute hairdo, she may have started pre-menopause, and she quietly quit the marriage.

I did begin to suspect something was off in the marriage in March of 2024 and this only seemed to worsen with time. The week before she went out of the country for a business conference), I did find a yellow g-string in her lingerie drawer, which I had never seen before. I did call her while she was out of town, and confronted her on this and her response was “do you have a picture of it”?

Which I felt was an odd response; the day after she returned, we started counseling and continue counseling. We go to both individual and group counseling and it is helping. Our relationship is getting stronger and there were issues we should have addressed long ago.

My wife maintains her innocence and I did see other signs that may point toward infidelity, but she maintains she has never owned a yellow g-string.

Last night in counseling, we did come to some compromise, where my wife maintains her innocence and I did compromise and say the interpretation of the g-string could be a narrative of infidelity but equally a narrative of miscommunications; no one has ever explained it to me.

My question though with all the confusion around these issues – how can you tell if your wife is possibly going through a midlife crisis? I ask because my wife is what would be called a chaos kid; her father was emotionally abusive, the family is dysfunctional, my wife as a teen was diagnosed as bi-polar, and her mother was physically abused. It does seem that my spouse would fit the profile of someone going through a midlife crisis.

Early on in counseling, the counselor told me she believes my spouse may have experienced childhood trauma.

Best,

King Dot Thong

DEAR KING DOT THONG: I’m going to be real, KDT, I’m not exactly crazy about applying terms like “quiet quitting” to marriages and relationships. To be fair…

(To be faaaaaaiiiiiiir)

…I find the term obnoxious even in business contexts, since “quiet quitting” generally means “isn’t willing to work excessive amounts of overtime, nor to take on work that’s not in their job description.” Applying that to relationships brings up all sorts of unpleasant (and hopefully, unintentional) implications, and it really ends up obfuscating what was going on. Especially since it seems like you didn’t even notice that she was acting differently until two years later…

Part of the problem with describing issues with unclear language like this is that it makes it hard to tell precisely what’s going on and how she’s behaving. That can make it difficult to judge precisely what happened and whether you’re right – she was likely cheating – or if something else was going on that would make all of this a series of wacky misunderstandings. The same goes for “went through a lot of s--t”; some of the s--t she went through may well have been relevant to her behavior and give reason to see things one way rather than the other.

Now, if I’m understanding things right, it’d be more accurate to say that she’d checked out or was acting like she was no longer interested in being married. That’s an understandable reason to worry. So, too, are those changes. Someone suddenly making profound changes to their look, making a more determined effort to lose weight… those are traditional indicators that maybe someone is taking steps to get back on the dating scene.

But not necessarily always. Sometimes, it’s a matter of making a clean break or a change in circumstance, or even finally feeling like one has a sense of purpose and clarity again. Consider The Incredibles; part of the complication of the story is that Bob (Mr. Incredible) has been forced into retirement and is living out a soul-killing existence. When he is offered a chance to get back into the superhero life (admittedly, on the down-low), suddenly he’s back, emotionally, to where he was when life was more fulfilling. He’s working out, he’s dressing differently, he’s got more energy, more life than before… and that’s precisely why Helen (Mrs. Incredible) thinks, not unreasonably, that he may be cheating on her.

If you’re dealing with a soul-killing job or serious burnout, for example, it’s easy to lose touch with things that used to matter to you. You stop caring about your appearance to the same degree, you stop putting as much effort into life and so on, simply because you feel like every day is another day of being in thrall to a vampire that’s just draining a little more of your life away. If you reach a point where you either break free or are given a way out, it can feel like being given a new lease on life. Let me tell you: few things made me feel better instantly than quitting a really, really s--tty job, and those good feelings were enough to make me go “f--k, I gotta make some changes around here.”

The same goes with major milestones in life. Part of why we talk about mid-life crises is because of how common it is for folks to be laboring through life, existing rather than living and having lost touch with the dreams and optimism of one’s youth. Waking up and suddenly realizing you’re 40 (or 50 or…) and you have more years behind you than ahead of you can make someone say “what happened to me?” and want to shake things up. The same could be said for the impending empty nest. After decades of life as a parent, suddenly not filling that role in the same way can be a real shock to the system. It’s precisely the sort of thing that can make a person say “well, now that I’m not $PARENT anymore, who do I want to be?”

Now where things start getting weird – and possibly weird for no good reason – is finding the g-string in her underwear drawer. Finding new underwear isn’t necessarily a sign of infidelity; sometimes people will just buy something because it makes them feel sexy and that’s all they need from it. However, the denying its existence – and asking “do you have a picture of it” – is a head-scratcher. It’s one thing to say “hey, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this”. It’s another to straight up say “who’re you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”

But even then, I could see a reason where this might make sense. As someone who, thanks to ADHD-based memory f--kery and related impulse control issues, has found articles of clothing in my closets that I had absolutely forgotten I’d bought years ago. As a result, I can see a world where your wife was legitimately unsure what you were talking about and was asking for a picture of it either to jog her memory, or to say “honey, that’s a t-back not a g-string”.

But even so… it’s still weird.

It sounds to me like what you’re ultimately asking for is reassurance – whether this was all a series of unlikely but explicable coincidences, signs of a midlife crisis, or was it likely that she was cheating? It certainly sounds like it could be a midlife crisis, and her being bipolar would make many things make sense. ��All in all, this is a situation where you had reason to be suspicious. I sure as hell don’t blame you for thinking that your wife may have been stepping out on you. The evidence, while not 100% conclusive, certainly points strongly in that direction. There’s also the issue of your wife being bipolar and possibly a victim of childhood abuse or trauma. That, too, could explain things; people who are going through a manic phase will often behave in chaotic or unusual ways, occasionally with little clear understanding of why and often little memory of it afterwards. So, yes, this could be explained by the manic swing after a prolonged depressive one, on top of other life issues.

However, now I’m going to ask the question that relationship advice columnists really aren’t supposed to ask: are you sure you want to know the answer? After all: the evidence isn’t rock solid, there’re other potential explanations and at this point and you’ve more or less said “ok, I accept you weren’t cheating” as part of your counseling sessions. That doesn’t close the book on things, but it definitely does at least imply that you were agreeing to let it go.

There’s also the fact that, frankly, you and your wife went through couple’s counseling, you’re finally addressing long-ignored problems and your relationship is back on the upswing. I’m never going to say that you shouldn’t question a good thing but… is there really an upside to questioning the precise nature of the actions that ultimately lead to things getting better? If she had been acting suspiciously before but now things have improved and you’re both happier for it, would it be simpler to just say “ok, midlife crisis made things tense, but it ultimately led to a better, stronger relationship?”

Because, I’m gonna level with you: I’ve known a lot of folks who thought they wanted to know, and I’ve known a lot of folks who didn’t know until someone made it impossible for them not to know. And in 99% of those cases… they were all happier not knowing and wish they could go back to ignorance. Especially if they weren’t going to end the relationship. 

Every relationship is ultimately a story the people in the relationship tell themselves – whether it’s the story of strife that tore them apart or struggles that, while difficult, ultimately lead to bringing them closer together. If things are better for the both of you, you’re not interested in divorce, and her suspicious behavior’s abated, I think it makes sense to take the happier option. Sometimes, the best and happiest ending to a time of strife is to say “yeah, sounds like she was working through some s--t and that lead to us uncovering a lot of issues we really should’ve dealt with before now. There’s still a way to go, but things are doing better, we love each other, and we’re taking it day by day.”  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have one question for you. My boyfriend asked me to do golden shower some time ago.. And I accepted because it didn’t mean anything for me, and I could do it for him. But after some time, I told him that I don’t want to do it anymore.. and he accepted my decision. But the problem is that I lost my attraction to him. I feel kind of disgusted. Do you think that this is something I can overcome, or I should break up with him? Other areas of our relationship are very good.

Golden Shower? Golden Parachute

DEAR GOLDEN SHOWER? GOLDEN PARACHUTE: Hey, points for giving things the ol’ college try, GSGP. It wasn’t for you – hell, it’s not for most people – but you gave it a shot for your boyfriend’s sake. That’s admirable; trying things that your partner is into that you aren’t is a core part of making a relationship work. When our partners are willing to at least make an attempt at things that we like, we feel seen and appreciated, even when it didn’t necessarily work out.

And it absolutely didn’t for you, and that’s ok. The part that’s tricky is dealing with your feelings about it and about your boyfriend. I’d suggest actually digging into why you feel kind of disgusted by this, and I suggest you dig deeper than “because it’s pee”.

Here’s the thing: I’m with you. I don’t dig on water sports like that. I don’t grok it, I don’t get the appeal and it’s not something I’d want to try. But at the end of the day: it’s a case of your kink isn’t my kink and that’s fine. I know water-sports are one of the kinks that get held up as part of the “look at these degenerate freaks” parade to shock the normies, but the fact of the matter is that as far as paraphilias go, it’s not really that extreme. We’ve got a lot of ick around it because it’s urine – you know, human waste – but it’s low investment, low effort and low risk. It’s hot water – occasionally smelly water if the person’s not well-hydrated or drinks a lot of coffee or eats a lot of asparagus, but it’s hot water. Do it in the shower, and you barely even know the difference. The associations with it tend to be worse than the actual act.

So what is it about having tried your boyfriend’s kink that disgusts you? Is it about cleanliness? Do you feel like it crosses some moral event horizon – a “this is ok, this is the realm of unhappy perverts”? Is it the symbology of it – pissing on something as a mark of dominance – and your boyfriend being in an inherently submissive role turns you off? Is it something you’d find degrading if done to you and so you kind of reverse double-backflip that degradation onto his asking for it?

Is there a sort of resentment going on? Do you have desires that you’re afraid to act on because they’re outré or unusual or “degenerate”, and the fact that your boyfriend can both ask for his and say “ok, thanks for trying” with seemingly no shame or remorse when you tell him you’re not doing it any more triggers some sense of unfairness in you?

Or, and stick with me here, is this a knee-jerk reaction? Is it possible that this was ultimately neutral for you, but you’re reacting with this to disgust because you’re “supposed” to be disgusted by it?

The more you can articulate the whys and wherefores about what you feel, the more you can understand how you feel, and what to do about it. Maybe it’s not about the pee, so much as the symbolism of it. Maybe it’s dealing with the complexity of someone who can be dominant in some areas and submissive in others. Or maybe it just gave you the ick and you can’t un-ick it. Not everyone’s kinky and not everyone’s gonna be cut out for being the standard-issue person with a kinkster partner.

While you’re thinking things through, take some time for some turnaround. What are some things that he can do that are solely for your pleasure that he doesn’t do or hasn’t done yet? Having some time when he’s focused entirely on things that get you off, for the pleasure of your pleasure might help flip the switch back for you. You may not grok his kink, but the idea of “I’m not into this but I’m into you” might help you move through to the other side and back to being attracted to him again.

And if not… well, sometimes that happens. Sometimes you’ll run into the thing that makes you say “Ok, we’re just not right for each other” and that’ll be that. No harm, no foul, especially since it sounds like your boyfriend’s been a gentleman about all of this. It seems like he handled this as well as could be. He was up front with his interest, asked politely, and when you said “I don’t want to keep doing this”, he took it in stride and good grace. Those are good things in a partner, especially one who has interests that you may or may not be able to rock with.

But if you do decide this was a kink too far and you can’t come back from it? Make it clear that this really is about you, rather than about him. You can find yourself a nice, meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, and he can find his kinky queen with rubber sheets and a walk-in shower and you’ll both be the happier for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a trans woman in the beginning stages of transition. I never dated before transition, in part due to what would now be gender dysphoria; at the time I thought it was the kind of things a lot of your male readers deal with.

I want to date, but I can’t seem to drum up the courage to ask girls out, to go on dating apps, to dress up. I’m getting really frustrated with myself because I am actively trying to transition – voice training, electrolysis – but I don’t see myself as desirable. I’m not trying, and I don’t why because my brain is screaming at me to try. I spend all my time focusing on work, on hobbies, or on just trying to get basics done – I’m autistic and ADHD as well. I don’t seem to believe in myself, and even though I’ve made big changes – taking up running, lost a lot of weight, actively trying to talk to people in some cases – I still feel like I can’t go out and socialize. I just feel ashamed.

I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t want to keep waiting to be “fixed”, or even sometimes that I should just focus on transitioning. I don’t think I’ll really look like a cis woman in that case, but I cannot seem to find the self-acceptance to really put myself out there.

Any advice?

Reluctantly Crouched At The Starting Line

DEAR RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE: You’ve got a lot going on right now, RCATSL, and I’m not exactly surprised you’re dealing with a lot of overwhelm. And that’s before we get to the general state of, well, everything. But there’re a few things in your letter that strike me as being fairly significant for you.

The first and most obvious is that, well, you’re trying to get started  dating for the first time in your life while in the middle of becoming yourself – also for the first time in your life. There’s a lot to process in all of that; you’re finally making the changes to make the outside reflect the inside, you’re having to deal with the conflict between who you are and how you were socialized to be and in a very real way, reintroduce yourself to the world. That’s a pretty good way to end up maxing out all your available mental and emotional bandwidth. But adding the self-imposed pressure to put yourself out there and start dating when you’ve been avoiding it all this time… that adds a whole new layer to the mix.

I talk a lot on here about pushing past one’s fears and getting comfortable with discomfort. While I’m a big believer in that being an important life skill in general, it’s especially important when it comes to trying to do the things that really want to do, but are afraid to. Emotions follow their own version of laws of physics; feelings in motion tend to stay in motion, while feelings at rest want to stay at rest unless acted on by outside force. Part of why it can be important to push through your fears is to set yourself in motion; it’s hard the first time, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the less effort it takes to keep at it.

But a complicating factor is that the longer you take to start, the harder it becomes to start at all. Not impossible… but definitely much harder to push through those anxieties.  

One of the pernicious things about our brains is how they’re wired to keep us safe, not happy, and that includes being safe from more intangible fears, such as rejection or humiliation. So we end up avoiding things that trigger those fears.

The problem is, we rarely stop at that step. Avoidance, like a liquid, tends to expand to fill all available space; when we start avoiding something we’re afraid of, we often also begin to avoid things that are related to the thing we’re afraid of, because it causes us anticipatory fear and anxiety. And then we begin to avoid things that remind us of the second thing we’re avoiding and the world we allow ourselves to live and exist in shrinks more and more.

That means that if there’s something we’ve been avoiding for a while, you’re having to push through a lot of inertia and worry to get the metaphorical ball rolling.

Now to add to this, you mention being autistic and have ADHD. That makes sense, especially with the issue of not being able to get said ball rolling. After all, one of the core issues with ADHD is executive dysfunction – you may want to Do The Thing, but you can’t get the one. GODDAMN. NEURON. To fire! so that you can actually start. And if you pair that with the way rejection-sensitive dysphoria tends to be co-morbid with ADHD and autism, it’s not that much of a surprise that you’re sitting there wanting to start but can’t bring yourself to do so.

And then there’s the part about being in the middle of your transition and the amount of gender-confirmation work you’re doing. Now, as a cis man, I can’t speak to the experience of transitioning and how that feels. But I can, however, speak about the process of creation as a former artist and current writer. In every creative process – whether you’re composing, sculpting, painting, writing, whatever �– you reach the suck point. That’s the moment where you take a step back, look at what you’re doing and think “Jesus hopping f--k, this is awful.” All you can see are the flaws, the mistakes, the areas where your talent clearlydidn’t meet the level of your ambition and all you want to do is ball the whole thing up, toss it and maybe decide to quit art and go breed sheep on the Isle of Man or something.

But one of the most important lessons that every artist has to learn is: don’t quit yet. Grit your teeth and white knuckle your way through the suck point to finish the piece; the reason why it looks awful to you is because you’re at the point where what you saw in your head and what you see on the page (or hear in the performance or…) have diverged the most. You’re still at the point of solving problems, coming up with ways to actually make your vision become real and having to adjust the version in your head to match the inherent restrictions of reality. By pushing past the suck point, you get to the point where you’re actually kinda happy with the results. It may not be exactly what you envisioned, but it’s pretty damn close and you’re rightfully proud of it.

Well, that’s where you are: you’re in the middle of creating a work of art, and you’ve hit the suck point. As much as you may think that this is just you being condemned to be clockable or an ugly woman, a lot is just being in the middle of the process and not seeing the glimmers of what the finalized piece will look like yet.

Now I bring all of this up, not just to say “yeah, it’s understandable why you feel this way, but it’s ok”, but because understanding the why of the situation makes it easier to figure out what to do about it.

An obvious starting point is going to be the ADHD issue. You don’t mention whether you’re treating your ADHD or not, but it sounds a little like maybe you aren’t. God knows that before I got diagnosed, if I wanted to break through my executive dysfunction, I either needed to seduce the vibes until they were right or rely on sheer terror to break through the barrier… part of why I lived for years with a “the best work is always done at the last minute” philosophy (and also a whole s--tload of unhealthy coping mechanisms for all the stress). Getting on my meds and finding the right dose not only made breaking through my executive dysfunction infinitely easier, it also dialed the RSD down to manageable, even ignorable levels.

If you’re not on some form of medication for your ADHD, I highly recommend starting now. If you are, it may be worth talking to your doctor about whether you’re on the right medication or at the right dosage. Finding the right combination of “right drug, right dose” tends to be more art than science and can take a few tries to get it right. The good news is, because of how ADHD meds are metabolized, it’s a lot quicker to figure out if things are working than with other psychoactive medication like antidepressants.

The next thing I would suggest is that you need a hype squad… and the first and loudest member of said squad should be you. ��There’s a recent article in PureWow titled “Women Need To Be More Delusional” – specifically in the realm of dating. The piece starts off with the author talking about how a male friend of hers talked about being the hottest guy at the wedding when he sent a picture of himself in a tuxedo. Not, as the author states, among the hottest; the hottest. The ne-plus-ultra of hotness. She compares it to men who just assume that they would have a chance with celebrities or supermodels (she specifically namechecks Emily Ratajkowski) if only the opportunity would present itself. This sort of rock-solid belief – the quintessential ‘confidence of a mediocre white man’ – is something she feels women need to adopt more often, instead of, as she puts it “resigning themselves to be an extra in Timothee Chalamet’s story”.

And honestly, she’s not wrong. It’s important to be your own first and biggest fan, the leader of your own fan club and one of the loudest voices bolstering your own sense of confidence and self-worth… even if it means being a little ‘delusional’. It feels hard to have that sort of “I’m the hottest thing since World War III” energy when you look in the mirror and only see the flaws and imperfections. It even feels like you’re actively lying to yourself and trying to deny reality. But you can and should push past that, tell the voice of “be reasonable, be realistic” to shut the f--k up, and be the Flavor Flav to your Chuck D. This is why I talk about “fake it ‘til you make it” so much: you’re not actually faking anything, you’re practicing. You’re building yourself up, making yourself feel good, embracing the positive self-talk and encouragement that helps build not just your confidence and self-image, but the emotional resilience and strength it takes to push through the suck point, to overcome that emotional inertia and executive dysfunction and complete your chrysalis to become the glorious butterfly you were always meant to be.

Even if it feels fake and cope at first, keep going. Find the people who’re going to encourage you and pump you up, who’ll help energize you and be part of the “f--k yeah, you hot-ass bitch!” chorus. Make it part of your morning routine as you get up, wash your face and get dressed for the day: look in the mirror and tell yourself you look fine as hell. Actively compliment yourself, even if it feels like cringe. Self-flagellation, even in the name of “just being realistic” isn’t going to win you bonus points, nor will it improve your life; that’s just another way pessimistic bulls--t creeps in. Dress like the sexy badass you are and are becoming. Hype the s--t out of yourself because you deserve to feel awesome. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others instead of talking yourself down. There’re enough haters and assholes who’ll try to drag you down; you don’t need to give them a helping hand.

The last thing I would suggest is to ease off the pressure to “date”, and just focus on socializing and meeting people. One of the most effective brainhacks out there is simply to change how you talk about things. Wizards of old knew the dire importance of words; when you name some something, you contain it, define it, create the corners of its existence and direct its action. Change the name and you change its shape and existence.

This is one of the reasons I tell people to stop doing ‘approaches’ when they’re going out and trying to meet people. When you’re doing approaches, you’re creating a situation with a binary outcome: succeed or fail. That ends up causing people to focus on the outcome, rather than the actual experience. They’re more concerned with succeeding (or at least, not failing) than actually being in the moment, getting to know someone and deciding if they’re right for you or if you even like them. After all, when you’re dealing with strangers, even with strangers you’ve met on a dating app, you know next to nothing about them besides what they look like. They may be hot like fire but that doesn’t mean that they’re your type. Sure, they’ve got a body to make a bishop kick out a stained-glass window, but they could still be a ginmormous a--hat. Yeah, they’ve got the kind of smile that seems calculated to make women’s knees shake like a 4.0 earthquake, but that doesn’t mean they’re not about to sing the praises of crypto and why Joe Rogan’s frequent guests have some really good ideas.

When you’re just being social, on the other hand, you’re going out without goals or expectations besides hoping for a good conversation. You’re freeing yourself from self-imposed pressure to “perform” or to try to get a specific result. Instead, you’re allowing yourself to just be in the moment, to be curious about folks and open to all sorts of possibilities. Maybe you’ll have a great conversation and make a new friend. Maybe you’ll meet some raving d--kbag, but you’ll come away with stories to tell later. Or maybe you’ll meet someone with a shy smile and nice eyes, who seems to really vibe with you and makes parts of you flutter in ways you didn’t expect… and they seem interested in talking more. Regardless of what happens, you get to chalk up a win because any outcome can be a good outcome. You’re open to serendipity, but without the pressure to force the issue and having to wrestle with your anxieties and insecurities in the middle of it all. And by being relaxed and in the moment, you can be your best, most effortless self… the same person you want people to be drawn to.

And most importantly: it lets you relax. You don’t need to rush things, RCATSL, nor do you need to wait until you’re at a point in your transition where you feel like you’re either done or near-as. You can do all those things – socialize, continue the self-development work and so on – without needing to create artificial limits or milestones that you need to hit first. There’s no timer counting down; the Super Mario “time’s running out” music is entirely in your head, not reality. You’re allowed to take it all at a more measured pace instead of trying to rush through any of it… and taking that more measured pace will make it easier to do all of it. You free up a lot of bandwidth when you aren’t trying to beat an imaginary buzzer. You can push through the suck point, but it’s much easier to do so when you aren’t feeling like you’ve got the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

So take time to address some of the underlying issues, but give yourself grace too. The world applies enough pressure; you don’t need to add to it.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com