DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college freshman home for the holidays and experiencing mild but constant panic at being back in my old surroundings. Particularly my room. I am realizing my life may have been f--ked up in ways I have trouble putting into words. Not my parents, who did the best they could including homeschooling me when I was bullied, even though they both work full time, but the fandom communities that basically raised me from the age of 10 or 11 up to a few months ago. I am still active just not as much. My main fandoms are ones with lots of underage characters and controversy about shipping them, which I was always very on the side against.

My main issue is, I turned 18 in May and went away to college in August thinking I would start my adult life there. It’s an amazing small liberal arts school with a huge LGBTQ+ presence that I am completely in love with. I’ve made a number of platonic friends and would like to date and be in love and even potentially have sex in theory. But when I think about taking the actual steps for it to happen, I shut down. It just feels wrong for me even though I look at other people my age and don’t judge them the same way. My roommate for example has had a boyfriend a year older since she was 15 and I don’t see her as either a pedophile or a victim.

I guess I didn’t realize how deeply I believed that as a minor I was off limits to being sexual or desired in any way ever. And if anyone ever saw me this way there was something weird, sick even evil about them. Especially if they were older but really regardless of their age. It sounds so stupid but it’s almost like I thought “minor” was a permanent part of my identity, like my race or gender. While simultaneously thinking as soon as I was a legal adult I would feel like one. But it’s been 7 months, more than half a year, I’m closer to 19 now than 18 and I still feel the exact same as before. And I just wonder how long will it take?

If it matters, I am AFAB. Healthy and average by heteronormative beauty standards. Still figuring out if I’m nonbinary, in what way or possibly transmasc, although I don’t think I would ever want to medically transition. I don’t have a strong gender preference, but I do tend to like pretty, slightly feminine yet tall men and strong, dominant yet girly girls. All this is still in theory since I feel panic and disgust at the idea of anyone I’m attracted to being attracted back. A girl in a club with me started trying to hit on me and I wanted to just scream at her to die, even though I thought she was very cool and beautiful before and now I can’t even speak to her. And worried about others noticing and thinking I’m either homophobic or racist, or both. Even though I have been shipping adult characters and writing romantic fiction for years, it makes no sense, and I know it doesn’t.

So how do I stop seeing myself as this unsexual entity and anyone I think of being attracted to me as a pedo? I don’t want to be a 25- or 30-year-old virgin. But the time between being old enough it’s not pedophilic to lose your virginity and so old you’re a weird, awkward incel just feels impossible.

Ex-Minor Art Major

DEAR EX-MINOR ART MAJOR: I’m going to reiterate my usual stance on potentially fake letters: I don’t spend that much time worrying about whether letters are fake or not. The vast majority of the time, people’s creative writing exercises or attempts to fool me are glaringly obvious and get sent straight to the trash. While I’m sure some have gotten through, the fact of the matter is that I don’t really care that much if they did. Most questions to an advice column are, for all intents and purposes, entirely theoretical exercises to 99% of the readers, but can be incredibly relevant to that 1%. So if there’s a lesson to be learned, even a fake or fictional letter can be helpful to people outside the writer.

I say this because, well… this ain’t the first time I’ve gotten letters about the fallout from shipping wars and Tumblr fandom or attempts to get me to weigh in on the ongoing discourse about age-gap relationships. But then again, a bunch of college students recently violently assaulted a stranger as part of their attempt to have a “To Catch A Predator” antics go viral, so it’s not as though this sort of thing isn’t actually out there and causing problems.

But more importantly, I wonder if the problem you’re asking about, EMAM, is the problem you’re actually having.

So, I’ll be honest: I tend to roll my eyes at a lot of the age-gap discourse I see online, especially in fandom circles, and when it gets folded into ship and anti-ship conflicts. I think a lot of it is fueled by the tendency of online discourse to push people into increasingly extreme and intractable positions while declaring their opponents ontologically evil, and the rest gets fueled by purity culture bulls—t that figured out how to dress itself up in progressive drag, with a teeny bit caused by people who don’t understand how neuroplasticity works. Much of it – especially within fandom – comes from folks who have more enthusiasm than experience and whose experience with actual relationship dynamics are more theoretical than actual. But that doesn’t mean that sometimes there isn’t something more going on there. Just… not in the way you think.

This is why I have a question for you, EMAM: are you sure this is about age gaps and being a minor? Or, if you really dig down into it, is it possible that the discomfort you’re feeling is more about your own relationship to sex and gender overall? If you’re someone who’s in the middle of trying to understand themselves, who you are as a person and how you relate to your own sexuality, it’s not unusual that you might feel really uncomfortable with the idea of sex or people being sexually attracted to you. It may feel like an identity is being imposed on you, as though you’re compelled to live up to expectations that may or may not align with who you are. Someone else’s interest – even if it’s sincere and appropriate, rather than The Big Bad Wolf moving in on a metaphorical lost lamb in the woods – can bring up all kinds of uncomfortable or even frightening feelings and associations. Especially if, up until now, most of your peers had been telling you that all of this is bad and wrong and everyone who disagrees is going straight to the Special Hell, and should probably be shoved into the Fastpass lane.

Some of it may be because of how you’re still working out your gender identity; someone else’s perception of your gender might make you feel like you’re being told what it is. Or it may be as you come to terms with whether you’re a sexual being at all; you may well be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. And some of it could well be because now you’re out in the world for the first time and realizing that you don’t feel like you’re ready.

That last one is especially relevant. This part of your letter leapt out at me: “[…]thinking as soon as I was a legal adult I would feel like one. But it’s been 7 months, more than half a year, I’m closer to 19 now than 18 and I still feel the exact same as before. And I just wonder how long will it take?” This is so common that it’s practically universal. Damn near everyone has the moment where they realize that while legally (and chronologically) they’re an adult, they still feel like a kid in their head. I know people who are well into their forties and fifties who still feel like they’re a fourteen-year-old with a fake ID and pasted on mustache, getting away with something every time they buy a bottle of wine, rent a car or find an apartment.

But that’s the thing: there’s no “click” moment where suddenly you’re an adult and you get all the adult things. It’s just a gradual collection of experiences over time, and you often don’t realize how far you’ve come until you look back at your past self and go “oh wow, I really used to be like that, huh?” 

This, I suspect, is the real issue: you’ve been waiting for that “click” for everything to make sense, for everything to fall into place and everything will finally make sense. And because it hasn’t… well, here you are in limbo, feeling lost and confused and it’s all scary.

So, here’s my advice. First: take advantage of being a college student. Your college likely has counselors as part of the student health department. I’d recommend that you make an appointment to talk to them about how you’re feeling and why. I think part of this is simply trying to adjust to life on your own and establishing your identity. If there’re on-campus resources for LGBTQ people, I would recommend checking those out as well; even if you think there’s a chance you might not be queer, knowledge helps increase understanding, and understanding chases the fear out of uncertainty.

The second thing I would suggest would be to check out some videos by Princess Weekes, particularly on her videos about purity culture in fandom, media literacy and sex and how pop culture handles issues of feminism, race and queerness. Princess is incredibly insightful and incisive, and her breakdowns of pop culture tropes, fandom and social issues are excellent. I think some of her analysis will help you sort out and put nuance and context to your fandom experiences, possibly give you the language to express and understand how you feel.

The third thing I would suggest is to give yourself a break by giving yourself permission to not know yourself. Part of the problem is that you’ve expected to have all the answers, and you don’t. That’s fine; you’re still figuring yourself out and you’ve had precious little opportunity to explore those sides of yourself until now. College is precisely the time to try on different identities, to see what truly resonates with you and what doesn’t. And the good thing about taking this opportunity is that what you decide now doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re locked into it forever. Your understanding of who you are and what you want can – and often will – change with time, experience and perspective. What feels right and authentic in this moment may not be what is right and authentic in a few years; not because you were mistaken, deluded or lying to yourself, but because you’ll be a different person then than you are today. That’s part of growing up.

This may mean deciding that you want to hold off on the whole ‘sex and dating’ thing until you’re feeling more centered. You may come to realize that you’re just not interested in sex at all, but you still want a romantic or emotionally intimate connection. Or it may mean that you’ll want to explore different sides of yourself without expectation that it’s going to be forever – short term relationships, experimenting with gender non-conforming styles of dress and presentation and so-on. If you need more time to figure things out, take that time. The fear of being an older virgin is a distraction; the “right” time to lose your virginity – if you do at all – is when you decide it is.

Lastly, here’s some advice from An Old, who’s been around the block a few more times than you: it’s all much easier if you don’t hold onto these expectations that you’re supposed to know it all by now. Accepting that you know very little and that you’re making it up as you go along can be incredibly freeing… especially when you realize that that also describes pretty much all of your peers and classmates.

You’re on a journey, EMAM, and nobody knows where that journey will necessarily end. Don’t try to rush through it; take your time, explore and truly learn who you are. Your future self will look back and thank you for it. Even the awkward, embarrassing parts.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years; both of us recently turned 20. We broke up last year for two months because he and I got to a toxic point, leading him to cheat on me during an 8 day bender with his friends. 

(He made out with his friend’s sister and continued to pursue her for a month while me and him were still hooking up) 

I was madly in love with him, and we ended up back together. 

His friends play a really big part in his life, to the extent that they basically can change his entire personality when they’re around, and I dislike all of them. My reasons for disliking them are that they all dislike me, they give him advice that ruins his life, they are horrible influences on him who just want to drop out of school and party on their parents’ money. My boyfriend doesn’t have the luxury of his parents funding his partying and other antics. 

All of his friends are linked to the girl he cheated on me with, and all of them wanted them to be together which is an awkward situation for me. Recently, one of his friends and the “other woman” called me after I extended an olive branch in order to be more comfortable around them, and on that call both of them told me lies about my boyfriend. I was heartbroken and asked them to inform him about what they had told me, but rather than do that, they told him and everyone that I was insulting him and mentioning private details of our relationship. When I clarified the story to him, they kept defending themselves and made me look worse, we kept fighting and I gave up and stopped asking him to cut off that friend (who is female). 

(He didn’t believe me, nor specifically take my side over his friends; he wanted to stay neutral and have a confrontation in front of him to decide who was lying)

I feel like his entire world revolves around his friends. As an outsider, I can see are simply hurting and using him, yet he clings to them more and more. All of the fights in our relationship are based around his friends. 

I do love him more than anything and have already told my super religious family about him as we want to get married soon, but now I don’t know what to do or if I should marry him. 

I told him not to let his friends near me and not to mention me to them, including not being included in our wedding (only keeping it to family) and that in the future I don’t want them around our kids, I don’t feel comfortable around those people and now I’m wondering if he will actually prioritize me and protect me when I’m hurting. He refuses to give me extra care in this time to reassure me, and thinks I made him go through something by trying to get him to cut off his friend and wants to maintain the advantage in our relationship, while I was the one hurting and have to continuously feel uncomfortable. 

(I struggle with mental health and the lies I was told on call led to me relapsing after one year of not self-harming, they continued to manipulate the situation and lie to basically break us up and I don’t know why) 

This specific friend lives abroad and only visits once a year; the rest are also moving out of the country for their education as they can afford it without scholarships. I don’t get why my boyfriend at this stage would be this obsessed with keeping his friends at the risk of losing me and refused to listen to me just because they said so. I expected him to have my back as we’re at the point of getting married in a few months, yet I feel like I’m being treated like nothing compared to his horrible friends. I give this man everything in terms of finances, support and to the extent of being isolated and scorned by my family for being with him, as they disapprove. 

I’m here losing my family for him including my mom, yet he’s not willing to lose one friend who only texts him when they want drugs. 

Is this simply a 20-year-old boy being stupid and immature, which is something he’ll grow up from, or is this a huge red flag that I should run or just stop giving as much and maintain the relationship, I’m lost.

One of Us Has To Go

DEAR ONE OF US HAS TO GO: Alright OUHTG, I was going to start with a discussion about your boyfriend’s behavior and his friends and why he’s acting like this. But in the span of a couple paragraphs, you went from “already told my super religious family about him as we want to get married soon,” which set off some alarm bells in my head, to “we’re at the point of getting married in a few months”, which point said alarms became full-bore air raid sirens.

As a result, I feel that I have to drop this right at the top: HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Even if we leave aside that you’re both 20, which is really goddamn young, the last thing you want to do is make this relationship any harder to leave. Right now, you can walk away with minimal fuss; as soon as vows are said and rings are exchanged, lawyers get involved and the process gets infinitely more complicated.

And yes, you absolutely should leave this dude. To be perfectly frank, I don’t know why in pluperfect hell you’re with him. I don’t care if he runs an orphanage for kittens with special needs or if he can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears, dump this guy. Dump him so hard his grandparents divorce retroactively. There is no upside to being with this guy. You thought you were getting Captain Crunch but instead you ended up with Oops! All Red Flags! and it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better.

Here’s the thing: yes, this is absolutely 20-year-old-boy bulls--t. He’s profoundly immature and thinks his dirtbag friends are the coolest. At some point – hopefully – the crippling hangovers, constant drama-fueled relationship explosions and barely-escaped-more-serious-consequences of the lifestyle he’s leading will lose its luster, especially since he doesn’t have the money or connections that his buds have. With luck, that day will come before one of them comes up with some absurd crypto investment scheme or convinces him to sink all his money on their dead-before-it-even-began startup venture… but one way or another, the day will come. But this is not that day.  And it’s not gonna be tomorrow. And quite frankly, probably not over the next four to six years, either.

And why should he? You’ve given him no reason to change. He’s getting everything he wants: you’re still with him and he’s still out partying with his bros. He’s got the best of both worlds and couldn’t care less how this is hurting you, because there’re no downside for him. The closest he’s had to consequences has been a tepid “please stop talking to this person” that you eventually gave up on. So as far as he’s concerned, you’re just making half-hearted requests that he can just ignore when they’re inconvenient.

If you’re hoping to stick things out until he matures and wakes up, you’re going to be waiting a long, long time, and you’re going to be taking a lot more psychic damage along the way. Staying in a relationship with him means that you’re committing to more time being told, implicitly and explicitly, that you come second or third to these people, and they are going to do their damndest to make you go away. And here’s the thing: they’re going to have the advantage here. As far as they’re all concerned, you’re the funwrecker. The buzzkill. The scold who thinks “because thou are’t virtuous, there shall no more cakes and ale.” To a 20 year old bro, the party-hardy-tomorrow-never-comes lifestyle is going to be more appealing than the person telling him to knock it off already.

But more importantly: what are you getting out of this relationship? OK you love your boyfriend, but why? What needs of yours does this relationship meet and does it honestly outweigh the disrespect and despair you’re experiencing? You may love him and maybe he loves you, but he sure as s--t doesn’t respect you. The fact that he cheated on you and continued to cheat on you should let you know what he’s about. But the fact that he wants to do some weird f--king People’s Court with his friends to decide which of you is telling the truth and which of you is lying and spreading gossip? It sure as f--k seems like he’s enjoying the drama of it all, even as the tire fire that is his social circle continues to spread.

There is no upside for you here. There’s only how much s--t you’re willing to eat and pretend is steak. I’m sure you care for him, but I promise: dropping him like fifth period French will feel like you’ve shrugged off a two hundred pound weight. He’s shown you who he is, what his values are and where his priorities lie… and you’re damn near at the bottom of that list if you’re on there at all. Kick him to the curb with the rest of the compost and do it yesterday.

But just as importantly: you’re doing yourself no favors by having put up with this. It’s one thing for your (the generic “you”) partner to have friends you don’t care for or who don’t care for you. It’s another entirely to let him and them walk all over you, treat you like s--t and raise only the most meager token protest over the treatment. He needs to grow the f--k up but you need to start being a much stronger advocate for your own needs and enforcer of your boundaries. Part of the reason this situation has gone on for as long as it has and as poorly as it has, is because you’ve had weak boundaries. If you’d stood your ground and said “no, your friends treat me like s--t, they encourage the worst in you and I’m not going to put up with this,” you would be in a very different position right now. A much better one. Because he would absolutely have dumped you months ago for standing your ground on this issue and you would be better off for it.

Yes, enforcing your boundaries would’ve meant the end of this relationship but holy f--ksnacks that is the outcome you absolutely need from this. You would have had that time to get over him and find a partner who is not only more in line with your values and lifestyle, but you also wouldn’t have had to deal with the constant disrespect, the eroding of your self-esteem and being a source of ridicule from his dickhead friends. Even the pain of the breakup would be a small price to pay to not deal with this bulls--t. The point of boundaries isn’t to get your way, it’s to ward off people like your boyfriend – people who are just going to steal your most precious resource: time.

This is a relationship with no upside and it’s not going to get better. It’s time to love yourself enough to dump him now, take some time to reconnect with yourself and your center, and work on being your first and best advocate. This guy’s bad news bears and spending even a second longer dealing with his s--t is two seconds too long.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you’ve covered this topic before, and I apologize for bringing it up again. However, I have a question that I’m quite curious about. I am a man in my mid-20s who is still a virgin, and lacks dating experience. I’m not looking to ask whether a guy should tell his partner about his virginity or if women care about it (though I am somewhat curious about that). My question is this: for men who find themselves in this situation not by choice, what advice would you offer to steer them away from the pick-up artist approach? 

I understand that pick-up artistry focuses heavily on practicality with little regard for genuine connection, and it often seems like a way to satisfy one’s own needs without truly bonding with a partner. How can these men be encouraged to move away from this mindset and toward a healthier way of losing their virginity, avoiding feelings of shame in the process? Thank you in advance for your response.

Unicorn Bait

DEAR UNICORN BAIT: Here’s the thing: the issue isn’t pick-up artistry per se. Pick-up and PUAs are a symptom, not a cause. The issue is the belief that being a virgin is inherently shameful and that a person’s worth is measured by the amount of sex they have or haven’t had.

If the issue truly was about whether someone has had a sexual experience or not, then it would be easily remedied. It’s a money-soluble problem – sex workers exist after all. There’re many who offer what’s known as a “girlfriend experience” – that is, providing an experience that feels more like an organic connection instead of a purely transactional exchange of money for services – and many who are perfectly happy to provide a virgin with their first experience. And honestly, for many people, that would likely be a better and more enjoyable first time than they might have had otherwise; they would be with someone who is sensitive to their needs and desires, whose focus will be on their pleasure and can help address or alleviate any of the little anxieties, mishaps or performance problems that might arise. They wouldn’t have to worry about their endurance, not being “good” their first time out or any of the other little bites from the anxiety weasels. Compare that to, say, a fumbling hook-up with a stranger you met at a bar or a date from a dating app and you can see how even the thrill of having had sex gets subsumed by the noise from their jerkbrains.

But that’s not the issue with losing one’s virginity. The issue is that what they want is to feel like they were chosen, that women have found them “worthy” enough to have sex with. This is why hiring a sex worker is seen as “cheating” or the mark of being a loser; they haven’t been chosen, they “have” to pay to get someone in bed.

Now personally speaking, I’m agnostic about how someone “should” lose their virginity. I don’t think you need to be “in love”, nor does it need to be with “someone special”. Losing your virginity doesn’t need to be a big production or special event. My only rule for how someone should have their first time is that the experience should be worth it. So, ideally, you would want your first time having sex to be with someone who is going to be a good and caring lover, who’s attentive and patient. That may be with a paid professional, it may be with a friend or acquaintance, it may be with a relative stranger. It could be a big production, or it could be the unexpected (but welcome) end to a date. It could even be a “Here, let’s get this over with/out of the way” if everyone’s cool with it.

But this approach is uncertain. Obviously, this requires the consent and participation of another person, and that is by no means assured. The appeal of PUA is that it promises men that if you follow these rules, you’re all but guaranteed success, that you will somehow convince a woman that you’re “worthy” and thus get in her pants. And therein lies the issue: it’s almost never about building a real and genuine connection; it’s about getting what you want in the way you want it. If we accept the idea that women only have sex with someone who’s “worthy” (we don’t, but we can pretend for the sake of this letter), then PUA is about how to fake being “worthy” or convince women that you are, even (or especially) if you’re not.

But as I keep saying, over and over again: women aren’t Mjolnir. People who decide to have sex with you aren’t gauging your worth as a person. Nobody has “anyone who parts these thighs, if they be worthy, shall have the power of SCORE” tattooed on their pubic mound.

(If only because that’s a lot of words to cram into a relatively constrained space.)

This is why the real problem �– say it with me now – was toxic masculinity all along. As long as guys hold themselves to the idea that sex is a measure of their worth as a person and the corresponding belief that women are the “gatekeepers” of sex, there will be shame around the issue of virginity. There will be pressure to focus on the short term goal of “get laid as quickly as possible” rather than trying to find and connect with someone who would be a good lover, or, for that matter, developing the skills to connect with that person.

PUA is, at best, a short cut to that personal development. Obviously, I’m all in favor of teaching people how to date, how to flirt, how to meet and connect with folks and how to find the sort of sex you want – whether in a committed relationship or lots of casual connections or any point in between. But PUA is about skipping ahead to the end. The success people find tends to be despite what they’ve been taught, not because of it, and most of what they learn are tricks, not real personal growth and what success they find tends to be fleeting at best. Trust me, I speak from personal experience; I learned a lot from my days as a PUA, but I had to unlearn nearly as much and untangle the toxic bulls--t from what was actually helpful.

This is why there’s not an easy or simple fix; it’s a societal issue. Without detangling sex and sexual experience from one’s sense of worth, the sense of shame and inadequacy will be there. Teaching boys that their value is distinct from who they’ve f--ked is a key part. So too are treating social skills like skills, abilities that are taught and learned, rather than a binary that you either have or you don’t.

(And then we get into the incredibly sex-negative and queerphobic cultural issues, but that’s another rant entirely…)

In the short term, encouraging them to focus on both their sense of self-worth (independent of sexual experience) and their social skills and calibration is key. This way, when they do find someone to sleep with, the experience will be a good one for its own sake… not because of what it “means” about them.

Good luck.   

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com