DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you’ve covered this topic before, and I apologize for bringing it up again. However, I have a question that I’m quite curious about. I am a man in my mid-20s who is still a virgin, and lacks dating experience. I’m not looking to ask whether a guy should tell his partner about his virginity or if women care about it (though I am somewhat curious about that). My question is this: for men who find themselves in this situation not by choice, what advice would you offer to steer them away from the pick-up artist approach? 

I understand that pick-up artistry focuses heavily on practicality with little regard for genuine connection, and it often seems like a way to satisfy one’s own needs without truly bonding with a partner. How can these men be encouraged to move away from this mindset and toward a healthier way of losing their virginity, avoiding feelings of shame in the process? Thank you in advance for your response.

Unicorn Bait

DEAR UNICORN BAIT: Here’s the thing: the issue isn’t pick-up artistry per se. Pick-up and PUAs are a symptom, not a cause. The issue is the belief that being a virgin is inherently shameful and that a person’s worth is measured by the amount of sex they have or haven’t had.

If the issue truly was about whether someone has had a sexual experience or not, then it would be easily remedied. It’s a money-soluble problem – sex workers exist after all. There’re many who offer what’s known as a “girlfriend experience” – that is, providing an experience that feels more like an organic connection instead of a purely transactional exchange of money for services – and many who are perfectly happy to provide a virgin with their first experience. And honestly, for many people, that would likely be a better and more enjoyable first time than they might have had otherwise; they would be with someone who is sensitive to their needs and desires, whose focus will be on their pleasure and can help address or alleviate any of the little anxieties, mishaps or performance problems that might arise. They wouldn’t have to worry about their endurance, not being “good” their first time out or any of the other little bites from the anxiety weasels. Compare that to, say, a fumbling hook-up with a stranger you met at a bar or a date from a dating app and you can see how even the thrill of having had sex gets subsumed by the noise from their jerkbrains.

But that’s not the issue with losing one’s virginity. The issue is that what they want is to feel like they were chosen, that women have found them “worthy” enough to have sex with. This is why hiring a sex worker is seen as “cheating” or the mark of being a loser; they haven’t been chosen, they “have” to pay to get someone in bed.

Now personally speaking, I’m agnostic about how someone “should” lose their virginity. I don’t think you need to be “in love”, nor does it need to be with “someone special”. Losing your virginity doesn’t need to be a big production or special event. My only rule for how someone should have their first time is that the experience should be worth it. So, ideally, you would want your first time having sex to be with someone who is going to be a good and caring lover, who’s attentive and patient. That may be with a paid professional, it may be with a friend or acquaintance, it may be with a relative stranger. It could be a big production, or it could be the unexpected (but welcome) end to a date. It could even be a “Here, let’s get this over with/out of the way” if everyone’s cool with it.

But this approach is uncertain. Obviously, this requires the consent and participation of another person, and that is by no means assured. The appeal of PUA is that it promises men that if you follow these rules, you’re all but guaranteed success, that you will somehow convince a woman that you’re “worthy” and thus get in her pants. And therein lies the issue: it’s almost never about building a real and genuine connection; it’s about getting what you want in the way you want it. If we accept the idea that women only have sex with someone who’s “worthy” (we don’t, but we can pretend for the sake of this letter), then PUA is about how to fake being “worthy” or convince women that you are, even (or especially) if you’re not.

But as I keep saying, over and over again: women aren’t Mjolnir. People who decide to have sex with you aren’t gauging your worth as a person. Nobody has “anyone who parts these thighs, if they be worthy, shall have the power of SCORE” tattooed on their pubic mound.

(If only because that’s a lot of words to cram into a relatively constrained space.)

This is why the real problem �– say it with me now – was toxic masculinity all along. As long as guys hold themselves to the idea that sex is a measure of their worth as a person and the corresponding belief that women are the “gatekeepers” of sex, there will be shame around the issue of virginity. There will be pressure to focus on the short term goal of “get laid as quickly as possible” rather than trying to find and connect with someone who would be a good lover, or, for that matter, developing the skills to connect with that person.

PUA is, at best, a short cut to that personal development. Obviously, I’m all in favor of teaching people how to date, how to flirt, how to meet and connect with folks and how to find the sort of sex you want – whether in a committed relationship or lots of casual connections or any point in between. But PUA is about skipping ahead to the end. The success people find tends to be despite what they’ve been taught, not because of it, and most of what they learn are tricks, not real personal growth and what success they find tends to be fleeting at best. Trust me, I speak from personal experience; I learned a lot from my days as a PUA, but I had to unlearn nearly as much and untangle the toxic bulls--t from what was actually helpful.

This is why there’s not an easy or simple fix; it’s a societal issue. Without detangling sex and sexual experience from one’s sense of worth, the sense of shame and inadequacy will be there. Teaching boys that their value is distinct from who they’ve f--ked is a key part. So too are treating social skills like skills, abilities that are taught and learned, rather than a binary that you either have or you don’t.

(And then we get into the incredibly sex-negative and queerphobic cultural issues, but that’s another rant entirely…)

In the short term, encouraging them to focus on both their sense of self-worth (independent of sexual experience) and their social skills and calibration is key. This way, when they do find someone to sleep with, the experience will be a good one for its own sake… not because of what it “means” about them.

Good luck.   

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never been this confused in my life.

I’m 41, divorced (amicably-ish) with two kids, and, honestly, kind of lonely. Our co-parenting arrangement gives me enough time for myself now that the kids aren’t babies anymore. My eldest has a mental disability, which keeps me on my toes, but I’m managing to provide for my family just fine. Financially, I’m stable — I support my kids and even help my ex-wife. Basically, I’m just your average guy trying to survive in this crazy world.

Then, this average guy made a mess of things.

I fell for a much younger coworker (she’s 26). We’re still working together in a very close arrangement, which makes this even messier.

Here’s the gist: we work well together — so well that we started sleeping together. Then we stopped. Then we started seeing each other again. Then stopped again. Now, we’re in this limbo where we don’t quite know how to treat each other.

For my part, I’ve been clear: my feelings for her are real. I care about her deeply. She says she cares about me too but has insinuated that I’m not the guy she’d marry. That’s probably because of my status, my age, and the fact that I’m Muslim and she’s Christian.

I can handle “no.” What confuses me is the back-and-forth. When we’re together, she’s either distant or super clingy. One time, we broke up because I made a joke she didn’t like. A week later, she called saying she missed me, and we were back together.

Right now, we’re “off” again – this time because of something else I said. I told her I’d respect her decision, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So, I’ve been keeping my distance.

Here’s where it gets tricky: she doesn’t want me to distance myself. She wants to keep me as a close friend. But I want more. This has led to arguments because she keeps reaching out, and I keep rejecting her. That cycle finally upset her enough to declare we’d only talk as colleagues.

Except… that wasn’t true. Recently, she asked to meet up and admitted she didn’t mean it. She doesn’t want to lose me as her closest friend. I explained my feelings — again — and she seems to get it now.

The problem? It’s me. I still want to be close to her, but I know I shouldn’t. It’s been weeks since our last heart-to-heart, months since we last slept together, and I still can’t stop thinking about her. Working closely with her doesn’t help. She can be so needy, seeking me out when I’m trying to maintain boundaries. I can’t even bring myself to meet other women!

I’ve wondered if I’m white-knighting. She’s had a tough past: her father left her when she was very young, she grew up in a single-mother household, and she had a failed engagement just a year before our relationship.

Help me, Doc. Is this sociopathic behavior? Will time or space fix this? Or do I quit my 10+-year job over it?

Sincerely,

Who’s The Weird One Here?

DEAR WHO’S THE WEIRD ONE HERE: Once again, I am asking people to actually learn what terms mean before they start tossing them around casually. Sociopathy has specific meanings – someone who is indifferent to right and wrong and no regard for the feelings of others, who disregard risk and safety (for themselves as well as people around them), uses lies, manipulation and trickery to get people to obey their whims and tends to casually disregard personal responsibilities or obligations while maintaining a belief in their personal superiority to everyone else.

Now I get why some of that may feel like it applies to your co-worker / ex. But here’s an important difference: true sociopaths tend to have a difficulty holding down jobs and are frequently in varying forms of legal trouble because rules just “don’t apply” to them. They also tend to be hostile and aggressive, often lashing out angrily at others and have few qualms about reacting violently.

None of that seems to apply to your co-worker. Most of what you seem to be describing is someone who doesn’t seem to know how to communicate what she wants and seems to be really immature for her age. That whole “go away closer” schtick? That’s the sort of thing I expect to see in high-schoolers and college students more than grown-ass adults. Calling her (or her behavior) sociopathic is hyperbolic at best when most of her behavior is just really consistently annoying. Understandably so and incredibly frustrating I’m sure… but not sociopathic, nor indicative of a mental condition. It sounds to me like she needs to grow the hell up more than anything else.

But that’s a side issue. Let’s focus on you and your relationship with her. If I’m being honest, I don’t think this relationship has a future, and part of the problem is that neither of you are really covering yourselves in glory here. To be sure: she’s holding onto the lion’s share of the blame, but you’ve got some issues of your own that need to get sorted.

The first thing to consider is that while you all clearly have physical chemistry together – you can’t seem to stop falling into bed, after all – you are not remotely compatible. The problem is that good sex can sometimes hide the fact that the only thing you have is that sexual chemistry. As the bard once said: “but what happens when you’re not in bed?”

Well as we’ve seen, we get something of a train wreck, because you two aren’t suited for each other. You want very different things, you’re in different stages in life and, as I noted, she seems incapable of communicating like a grown-ass adult. It would be one thing if you were only interested in an occasional fling or if she could admit what she actually wanted, but you aren’t and she apparently can’t. So here we are.

Part of the problem is that she doesn’t know what she wants, and I suspect part of this is because there’s a conflicting narrative going on in her head. On the one hand, she seems to want you in her life and gets anxious when you threaten to distance yourself. On the other, she seems to have an emotional narrative that keeps you at a distance – starting with “you’re not the person I’d marry”. Maybe it’s because you’re Muslim, maybe it’s because you’re older than her, hell, maybe it’s because she doesn’t like it when you switch hands when using a knife and fork at dinner. The reason is ultimately irrelevant because it’s just an excuse; the real issue, I suspect, is that this goes against some vision she has for what she thinks she’s supposed to want or do.

This is something a lot of people across the gender spectrum struggle with: what they think they want (or were told to want) conflicts with how they actually feel. Until they resolve that conflict and can take ownership of their decision, one way or the other, they create these absurd and frustrating loops that they can’t seem to break out of. But – dragging this back, kicking and screaming to your situation – that’s a them problem, not a you problem. It’s not on you to resolve this issue, nor is it really something you can do for them. This is a time where you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and realize that this relationship is simply untenable. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others with theirs, and you’ve been failing to do so.

You say it yourself: she wants to keep you as her closest friend, and you want more. Well… you’re not going to get it. She’s demonstrated this often enough. She sounds like she’s in a place where she probably shouldn’t be dating anyone, never mind someone who clearly wants a deeper level of commitment than she’s willing or able to offer or accept.

But your continuing to hold onto hope that maybe there’s a way to thread this needle isn’t helping either. Your relationship was so fragile that a poorly thought-out joke is going to end it, but said joke was not egregious enough to keep her from wanting you back a week later? Cool… then the joke wasn’t the problem. Something else was, and the joke was the excuse. But if she doesn’t know what the real issue was – or doesn’t want to tell you – then the relationship simply isn’t going to work because you’re going to inevitably hit that tripwire again and set that cycle off.

Another important issue is that she seems to have no respect for your boundaries. You’ve tried to put distance between the two of you for your own emotional self-protection. This is good and the right thing to do. However, every time you do, she throws a fit because she doesn’t want to lose you as a “friend”. Which, ok, sure, it’s good to want things. But being “just” friends with her and the level of intimacy she seems to need is hurting you.

But you’re not helping yourself here because when you get the inevitable pushback from your boundaries, you fold like cardboard. All that does is tell her that you don’t have boundaries, you have strongly worded suggestions. And to be quite frank, they don’t even seem to be that strongly worded.

It’s not exactly a puzzler as to why; you’re still holding out hope that you can pull out a win like a bad poker player hoping to draw an inside straight on the river. Well, look, I’ve been there and done that myself and I am here from the future to tell you: it ain’t going to happen. All that’s going to happen is that you’re going to end up in this cycle of “you get closer, she pulls back, you suggest a boundary, she gets clingy, you give in, she pulls back” again. You’re going to have another heart-to-heart; you’re going to think that maybe this time she gets it and the cycle will repeat all over again. Fifth verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse.

This is, as the saying goes, a curious game, because the only way to win is not to play. Well, you’re well past the point of needing to stop playing. The only way this cycle is going to end is that you need to stick to your guns. You aren’t going to have a relationship with her. Her “friendship” is exhausting because she’s needy and dumps all her neediness on you. Breaking this cycle is going to require that you finally let go of the idea of dating her, establish some firm boundaries and enforce them. This means not giving in to her little tantrums, nor to her begging and pleading. You have to be willing to say “I told you what sort of relationship I was willing to have with you; this isn’t it,” and to refuse to fold again.

Will this have consequences? Of course. It means she’s going to be pissed. It means that you’re going to have to accept not having her in your life in any form except as a co-worker. But that’s the thing about boundaries: they come with consequences. If there weren’t consequences, you wouldn’t need the boundary. The consequences are part of how people try to push past those boundaries. Accepting those consequences is an important part of having those boundaries in the first place: you’re reminding yourself that sometimes you have to put yourself and your own needs first, even when other people object. Strenuously.

And, again, to be blunt: this is why you can’t move on. You’re holding out hope that this is a situation that will change, and it won’t. You can’t change it, no matter how many heart-to-hearts you have. It will change only if and when she is willing to change, and there is no guarantee that day will come, nor that it will change in your favor.

You had a fling with someone who ultimately wasn’t right for you, and it didn’t work. It’s a shame, but there will be others in the future. The best thing you can do is love yourself enough to let this go and move on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: The woman I’m miserable over married the dude I hate the most in the world and nobody cares that I’m miserable and angry that she chose that scumbag over me just because he’s better looking than me. F--k life.��I’m a depressed miserable shallow incel with misogynistic views. I have extreme envy issues, and I ruminate over rejections, slights, and my envy of men with the women I love I’m depressed over. I wish I wasn’t me. I want to change but I struggle changing. 30 and a morbidly obese virgin but I’m extremely depressed because attractive thin women don’t like me. I’m severely envious of the men who are with the women I’m miserable over. I can’t go to bars because I stare at couples happy while I sulk into my beer, I stay in my room playing Xbox when I’m not working instead of having a life. I don’t have any friends here where I live, they all live in my old home state, and I’m envious of them too because of their wives, I’m glad they’re happy but still sad my life isn’t theirs. I’m more than 100 lbs overweight, only 2/3 done with my bachelors, and still live with my parent. I am an envious loser with ambition but no drive because I feel that if I put in effort, it’s almost certainly a failure because I’m unattractive looking. I’ve said terribly things about women who look like me, while complaining I’m not loved. I’m exhausted with myself and feel like a lost cause every day. I just recently got a job in the field I want to be in and I’m not even doing a good job at it. I wish I could change but because of what I look like, and because I don’t have money, I feel hopeless. I pushed away a lot of people because of my mindset. Even with my therapist, I’m frustrated that he can’t help me with being more attractive to attractive women, and that’s not his job, so I know I’m in the wrong. It’s difficult for me to do it for me alone. I’m dreading my 30th birthday in a year because it’ll mean I’m a 30 year loser virgin who no one woman wants to date or have sex with because I’m unattractive.��I’m morbidly obese but I complain that pretty women think I’m ugly so I’m shallow and a hypocrite, I’m miserable every day about women who rejected me or don’t even know I exist, I envy their husbands and boyfriends just for being with them.��I ruminate every day how I go to bed every night looking at the empty space in my bed knowing that no woman loves me or cares about me or even thinks of me, but the women I’m miserable over lay their heads in the shoulders of the men I hate at night. I even envy my friends because they are happy with beautiful wives. Meanwhile the only 2 advice I get from family and friends are “either date your league with obese women because pretty women won’t ever like you, or go to prostitutes so you won’t be a virgin anymore.” If that’s the best advice people in my life have for me then they really think low of me.��So my life is Bad. Life sucks, every woman I have feelings for are happy with men I hate, and no women wants me because I’m ugly looking, and I’m a 30 year old kissless virgin so that says it all about how much of a loser I am. Seeing women I’m miserable over with men I loathe and hate, ruins my life because no one cares about me and my loneliness.��I lose out to dudes better looking than me and nobody cares how s--tty I have it, or how much other dudes ruin my life because they’re who the women I tried for wanted over me. Then everybody tells me “date ugly fat women because that’s your league and just accept that’s the way it is.”

Life Is Depressing

DEAR LIFE IS DEPRESSING: I’m going to be real here: this is the sort of letter I hate getting. Why? Notice the complete absence of a question mark; this isn’t a question so much as just saying “my life sucks” and… ok.  Sounds rough, buddy.

Now, an obvious question from my readership would be “why did you pull this one out of the mailbag if you don’t like getting people venting?” And if I’m being honest, it’s because this came in around the start of the new year, and as much as I view New Year’s resolutions as a waste of time… it is as good a time as any to take stock and decide what you want to do with your life and what you would want to be different.

So, LID, I ask you: ok, you’re a lonely, ugly incel loser. What are you willing to do about that? Please notice very carefully that I said WILLING, because that is the important part. What are you willing to do to change things? Because it’s going to be a matter of will. Not ability, not opportunity, will. It is the act of deciding that you want things to be different and to then take steps to make them be different, not to lament about impossibilities or cry about other people have that you don’t.

Here’s the thing: it sounds to me like your issue is that this is about what you’ve been given rather than what you’ve done. It hasn’t escaped my notice how much of the passive voice is in this letter and how much you frame things as though they just happen rather than things that were worked for. That’s telling because it suggests that your complaint is what you haven’t been given – a girlfriend, good physical looks and so on. It’s also telling because of how you see the world and �– most importantly – what you’re choosing not to see.

To start with: none of this is because you’re unattractive. This is all about how you feel about yourself. Your being attractive or unattractive isn’t affecting how much effort you’re putting into your supposed dream job, you’re choosing to half-ass it and blaming it on being unattractive. Your therapist isn’t helping because it’s not the point of therapy to make you attractive to women. It’s to address your issues and help you resolve them. Which, again, you’ve decided is about your looks. It’s not. It’s about how you feel about yourself. Even if your therapist could wave a magic wand and transform you physically into Sessue Hayakawa or Streetcar-era Marlon Brando, your problems would be exactly the same because the calls are coming from inside the house. This isn’t speculation or empty rhetoric; incels have dropped new-car levels of money on cosmetic surgery only to discover that, shockingly, they’re the exact same person they were before they went under the knife.

Here’s another thing that you’re missing: you’re not “losing out” to other people, because quite frankly you were never in the running. Not because there’s something wrong with you but because you have sequestered yourself off from the world, choosing to stare with bitterness out a window in a tower of your own making. Nobody cares about your loneliness because your loneliness isn’t their problem, no matter how much you try to make it so. You push people away and reject help until all that’s left is s--tty advice because you’ve refused to listen to anything else. Nobody is ruining your life; you are.

But that means that you can fix it yourself as well.

Here is a third thing that you are missing: the people you complain about? They didn’t have girlfriends drop into their laps. They didn’t just walk outside and suddenly people were lining up to date them. That’s just a fantasy you use to punch yourself in the dick and make yourself feel worse. It’s easier to lament your life if you invent someone who has everything you want without working for it, and the idea that they got it without working for it helps justify feeling like you shouldn’t “have” to work for it, and thus life is unfair. And, yes, life is unfair and that’s a good thing. To quote one Marcus Cole: “Wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”

Focusing on the fairness or unfairness of it all is part of the problem because what you’re not seeing in those relationships you envy and men you resent is the work they’ve done. Nobody has gotten into a relationship without effort or doing work to become someone that people want to date. Nobody was born a playboy or a femme fatale; they simply learned the lessons early and put them into use. You are only seeing the end result of effort and personal development, not the process it took to get there. Looks alone aren’t doing the trick; as we have seen over and over again, you can be gorgeous and utterly repulsive. Even now we’re watching someone who is, by all measures, incredibly conventionally attractive reveal that he’s an insecure and malignant s--tbag that women wouldn’t f--k with borrowed genitals, purely because of how he acts and treats people.

Some folks have had advantages that meant they haven’t had to do as much work, sure… but they have still had to do work. And those advantages aren’t just “won the genetic lottery”; those advantages are things like “grew up in a supportive environment that encouraged confidence and development of social skills”, or “had people who modeled good loving relationships”, or “were encouraged to become well-rounded, interesting people and cultivating self-expression”. Some were neurotypical and others were neurodivergent but who got support and care that helped mitigate or avoid problems that come with being neurodivergent.

And even the most conventionally beautiful of people have to put in work; all you have to do is look at photos of celebrities when they’re not in “celebrity” mode, when they’re at the beach or running last minute errands in their ratty sweats, when they haven’t put on a full face of makeup and done their hair and have the advantage of professional stylists and lighting.

But as I said: your looks aren’t the problem. Your behavior, beliefs and attitude are. People are going to find you unattractive because of the s--tty things you say about others and the way you behave. They’re going to be turned off by the bitterness and resentment, the way that you foist your anger off on others as though it were their fault. People will avoid you and not want to date you because of the choices you have made and are continuing to make.

So, I ask you again: what are you willing to do differently? Are you willing to redirect your energy and effort and change things? Or are you just looking for permission to give up? Because that’s not what we do here. If you want permission to give up, that’s all on you. If you want to improve… well, that’s what I’m here for.

Here’s the thing: relationships, friendships, a better life? These are all within your reach. These are all things you can accomplish. It doesn’t matter that you’re nearly 30; nobody genuinely cares about that and nobody worth listening to is going to make that an issue. Age only matters as a data point, not a marker of failure. Some folks started earlier than you; they learned the lessons and did much of the work in childhood and in college. But that doesn’t make them better than you. It’s just when they got their start. And, funny thing: nobody cares when you started. They only care that you got there. So, if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently and the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll get there.

What do you do? Well, you start living your life like you’ve seen this movie before. You’re in a time loop: every day is exactly the same. But the thing about time loops is that once you recognize you’re in one, you can start making changes. One change and suddenly the loop is different. Two changes and you are different. Three changes and you may as well be living in another world.

Start with making little changes. The first change? Sell your Xbox. I’m a diehard gamer with more consoles and handhelds than I know what to do with, who’s on his fifth run through of Baldur’s Gate 3, so trust me, I understand. But right now, you need one less thing that’s going to tempt you to fall back into old patterns. It’s much easier to resist temptation when you put steps between it and yourself. Now you have more reason to go outside and touch grass instead of holing yourself up in your room and feeling sorry for yourself.

And that actually brings us to the second change: go outside. Touch grass. Or rather: go outside and take a twenty-minute walk, every day. Yes, just twenty minutes, preferably in the sunshine. If you feel a little frisky, take a thirty-minute walk. Maybe a forty-minute walk at some point if you’re feeling especially nasty. But the simple act of taking a walk every day, out in the fresh air and sunshine will help push back the depression. After all, our bodies are meant to move. Getting a quick walk in will boost your endorphins, push blood around your body, increase your vitamin D levels and make you feel better overall. Your thinking will be clearer and sharper, you’ll be more creative and insightful, and you’ll have more energy than you did before.  

Third change? Once a month, minimum: go out to a museum and appreciate art. Or maybe there’s a sculpture garden in your area; go visit it and spend time there. Find a bar that has live music and watch a show. You’re not there to glare at happy couples, you’re there to appreciate culture and live music, and that’s where your attention should be. Learn more about art and culture so you have things to talk about with people, especially people who are unlike you.

Yet another change: go to a hair salon and talk to a stylist. Tell them that you want to change up your look and you aren’t sure where to start, so get their input on a haircut that will flatter your face and work with your hair’s texture – one that you can maintain easily. If you have facial hair, get it cleaned up, trimmed and shaped. Don’t put it off until you’ve lost X number of pounds; do it now, rather than later. A simple hair cut can be absolutely transformative.

A fifth change: you’re going to consciously change how you think about people. You are going to consciously, willfully stop yourself when you think envious, bitter thoughts about happy couples, of women in relationships and men who seemingly have it much easier than you. Every time you find yourself griping, grousing or complaining about others, you will choose to stop that thought in its tracks and instead say “good for them. I hope things are going well.” You will quit treating other people’s happiness as though it is an affront against you and, instead, choose to see it as a good thing.

Right now, bitterness and anger is rolling off of you in waves and everyone can feel it. It even radiates from your letter so clearly that I’m surprised that it doesn’t set off hazmat alarms. Your resentment roils and spreads around you like a passive-aggressive Chernobyl, creating a dead zone around you that people desperately avoid and will continue to do so until things change. So, you will start to consciously note those bitter thoughts and moments of envy and choose to interrupt and replace them, over and over again, until you no longer have to do so consciously. Your feelings of resentment are a habit, and so now it is time to break that habit – consciously and actively at first, until eventually it becomes the emotional equivalent of muscle memory.

Why? Because it does you no good. You’re drinking poison and hoping someone else will die because of it. Your bitterness only serves to isolate you further. Your anger changes nothing except to make you angrier. It’s time to let it go because holding onto it only serves to hurt you for no reason other than you feel like you should be hurt. The emotions you feed are the ones that grow, so ask yourself: do you want to keep being bitter and resentful? Do you want to keep pushing people away with your attitude? Or do you want to draw people in, to be a warmer, friendlier, more charismatic person? 

Once you start doing these things regularly? It’s time to start taking more steps. Talk to your therapist about your depression and the possibility of medication. Getting on an antidepressant can be part of what helps carries the load of your depression and gives you more room to actually address your feelings of self-worth and tendency towards isolation.

Another step: looking into how to complete your bachelors. You can take one course at a time and accumulate the credits you need to finish your degree. Maybe while you’re doing this you can look into taking another class just for fun – find one on a subject that’s always interested you, but you haven’t invested the time and effort into.

A third step: start putting money away into a savings account. This is going to be part of how you save up first and last month’s rent and a security deposit so you can start finding a place on your own. Living with your parents is hardly a disqualifier – more than 50% of people in their 20s live in multi-generational households – but having a place of your own will feel like an accomplishment.

Now notice very carefully how none of this is about getting dates or meeting women. Or rather: this isn’t directly about getting dates or meeting women. What you’re doing is laying the groundwork for having a life, doing the things that make you a more interesting person to talk to and spend time with, of changing your life from the ground up. This is about creating the foundation for your becoming your best self, the platform on which everything else rests. It’s about getting off autopilot, letting go of the bitterness you’ve built up and the resentment of others, while reminding yourself that you have agency. You have control. You have made choices that led you to where you are today and now you’re making new choices that will lead you to where you want to be. It’s about setting yourself up so that you can let go of your bitterness, release your anger and resentment and finally put all of this behind you. It’s about dropping the emotional baggage that’s been holding you down walking, unburdened and free, into a new and bright future.

But only if you are willing to do so. Only if you choose to take those steps, break those patterns, let go of the past.

Otherwise, nothing will change. You will stay exactly where you are, as you are. And it will be entirely and utterly because you have decided that this is what you want.

Your life is your own. You can have a new future. But only if you choose it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com