DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t really a dating question (we’re married) but I hope you’ll still consider answering it.

My husband is excellent. He’s kind, funny, I love to cuddle him. We have great fun together and are super compatible, but we are having problems in the bedroom.

We just can’t seem to make penetrative sex work for us. I suspect that he may have some death grip issues (he can only come from hand jobs, and likes a very firm grip, very fast at the end). He is considerate and always gets me off too (again manual or oral sex) but penetrative sex just doesn’t work. This is a problem because I really miss it.

We have been together for about 4 years total and he has come through vaginal sex only a handful of times. It has to be with me on top (not my fave) and working pretty hard, holding a particular angle that works best for him, usually for a long time. Lately it’s gotten to the point where I am starting to feel disappointed and I think this could harm our connection.

I don’t want him to sense disappointment from me, because I’m worried that could completely kill our sex life, but also I want to have a sex life that feels more full and varied. We talked about it recently and my husband was clearly very worried and feeling vulnerable. He is such a lovely, open person. He expressed that he has never really felt confident with vaginal sex, and puts it down to starting to have sex a bit later in life. He had other partners before me, but I think still feels like he doesn’t have a great range of experience. I think this problem isn’t particular to our relationship. I don’t want him to feel like it’s all his fault. I feel guilty and upset about this, and I just want it to work, but I don’t know what else I can do.

What would you advise?

Universal Serial Bang

DEAR UNIVERSAL SERIAL BANG: Alright USB, there’s a two-part solution to this problem. But first, let’s make sure we’re solving the right problem. So before I dig into what you and your husband can do, I want to ask you: is the problem his getting off, or is it how he feels about it?  You say that you can’t make penetrative sex work, and that he can’t get off except by masturbation, but that leaves a lot of unanswered questions about what that means. Is the issue that your husband is frustrated with not being able to orgasm during PIV and this makes it difficult to stay hard or remain engaged with you during penetration? Are you feeling the pressure to get him off during sex and that tension is interfering with your ability to enjoy sex with him? Is this a case of “it doesn’t count if he doesn’t have a ‘look-ma-no-hands’ orgasm in your hoo-hah” for one or the both of you? Or is it that he feels like not being able to get off during PIV makes him feel emasculated and that makes him less interested in sex in general? 

I ask because the nature of the issue changes whether this is actually a problem or just an unorthodox set of circumstances. If, for example, he’s totally cool with what he currently needs in order to climax, then this isn’t necessarily a problem so much as need to change how you two define sex and change up the way you’re intimate together. If, for example, he can stay hard during penetration to give you the kind of pounding you desire and then you can give him a handy when it’s his turn, then all you really need to do is adjust your expectations around what sex looks like in your relationship.

But if it’s bothering him, or you, or both of you and that discomfort is affecting your mutual willingness or desire to have sex… well, there’re a couple things to be done.

The first is to deal with the ahem root of the issue.

If the only way he can reliably get off during sex is through a hand-job with a very particular level of pressure and pattern of speed, intensity and stimulation, then yes, it’s probably a result of what doctors call “idiosyncratic masturbatory technique” – the dreaded “death grip” syndrome.

Because of the ways that some men discover masturbation, it’s possible for them to functionally train themselves to require levels of pressure and friction that human orifices simply can’t replicate. For some men, they discover masturbation by rubbing up against a pillow, sandwiching their penis between the mattress and box spring or the cushions on the couch. Others have more of a ‘grip it and rip it’ technique, where they simply are squeezing their penis much harder than they would experience from partnered sex. As a result: they’ve carved a groove in their brain where the level of sensation they need is very specific, and it becomes incredibly difficult to actually climax without it.

Now, the good news is that this is fixable. The bad news is that fixing it is a literal exercise in frustration; your husband would need to be willing to practice a very specific form of orgasm denial while he’s retraining himself. It comes down to having to starve himself of the required sensation – in other words, no masturbating, no hand jobs, nothin’ – until he’s so pent up and desperate to orgasm that the less-intense sensations of penetrative sex will get him there. If he can’t get off from penetration, he just doesn’t get off.

That, unfortunately, can take time and it requires some pretty significant dedication to not fall off the metaphorical wagon. If he’s already a bit averse to having PIV sex because of his condition, then he may still struggle to be motivated to have sex. A masturbation sleeve that’s more akin to the human body – such as one from Tenga or Fleshlight – might be an option for helping to retrain himself if he feels too awkward or self-conscious about sex with you.

Now that having been said, that doesn’t mean that you and he can’t still have penetrative sex while he’s retraining himself. In fact, this is an opportunity for the two of you to expand your sexual repertoire about what sex is for the two of you.

You’ve mentioned how this has been frustrating for you as well, especially since the way that he has been able to get off required positions and angles that don’t work well for you. One of the options for the two of you, both while he’s working on the issue and in general – is to start incorporating toys into sex. A penetration toy of some sort can give you the kind of sex you want and need without needing to worry about performance issues from your husband. There are a number of options that you two could experiment with, including ones that would allow you to have the sort of thrusting and positions that you like. There are strap ons, for example, that seat the dildo on the wearer’s pubic bone, allowing for the wearer to thrust and grind with their hips as though they were having standard penetrative sex. There are also ones that could be strapped to one’s thigh, so that you could sit on it and ride it and get the precise angles you need.

The important thing, however, is for the two of you to actually talk things through. I understand your hesitancy and his; this is an issue that can strike pretty deeply into male insecurities on his part, and you don’t want to make things worse by making him feel like he’s letting you down. But by not talking things through, thoroughly, all that ends up happening is that nothing gets resolved. He still ends up feeling weird and uncomfortable with the situation, your needs continue to not be met and nobody benefits.

Talking about it, however, doesn’t mean that it’s going to be an uncomfortable or upsetting experience. The key is that this isn’t about someone’s inadequacies or failure, it’s about the two of you collaborating together to solve an issue in a way that will benefit the both of you. Focusing on the fact that this is about the two of you coming together (er… as it were) to solve a problem and recognizing how this will not just fix the issue at hand but make your relationship better, stronger and more satisfying overall. It’s the sort of joint effort that brings you closer together, because you’re reaffirming that it’s not about who’s satisfying whom, it’s that you’re a team and you’re in this together.

Now understanding that intellectually doesn’t necessarily make it easier to have that conversation. It may be helpful to have a sex therapist or sex-positive couple’s counselor facilitate the discussion. Seeing a counselor together can help the both of you express yourselves to one another in ways that don’t feel accusatory or like a stab at one’s ego. If you don’t have a counselor you feel like you can go to, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory to help you find someone in your area.

Again: if the both of you don’t treat this as a failing on his part but instead as a way to find options that work specifically for the two of you and your unique relationship, then it feels far less threatening and much more affirming. You would be encouraging him to feel empowered to open up and be vulnerable by showing him that he can trust you not to judge him or otherwise “punish” him for opening up, while he has active steps to take that will help you both while also getting positive validation and affirmation from you.

So talk things through – with someone to be your conversational Sherpa if need be – and collaborate on the solutions. It’ll make things much better for the both of you.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an ex-girlfriend who I’ve since maintained a friendship with. When we broke up, it was tenuous as break ups often are, but we both saw it coming and ended things amicably not long after.

After our initial breakup, we had an on-again off-again friends-with-benefits arrangement, partially at her behest. It petered out after a while, not for any particular reason, just that we needed space from each other.

Recently we’ve gotten back in touch as friends again, and it’s actually been pretty nice. However, I can’t lie, it would be nice to broach the FWB thing again. She’s said a few things here and there that give me the impression she’d be game for it too.

My problem is that I’m not sure if I’m just looking for those signs cause I want them to be there, or if it is a mutual desire. I love being friends with her, and I genuinely don’t want to ruin that.

Is there a mature way I can bring up the subject with her without it causing any issues?

I can take no for an answer, I just don’t want her thinking I’m only using this friendship for sex.

Friends With Benefits Package

DEAR FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS PACKAGE: It’s good that you’re aware that the signs you’re seeing might be dickful thinking, FWBP. Motivated reasoning is a motherf--ker and when you really want a particular outcome, it’s easy to turn even the most innocuous thing into a “sign”. Similarly, it’s easy to overlook or dismiss signs to the contrary or rationalize them away because at the end of the day, you don’t want it to be true. So when you think you’re picking up on “hints” or frustratingly vague “signs”, it could well be that you’re rounding things up to the result you want simply because you really want it.

So let’s break down how you can tell whether or not this is actually a thing, or if you’re just really horny. And so the first step is that I want to flip things around and ask you a question: when you and your ex decided to try being friends with benefits, how did it happen? After all, you’ve already done this once before, so examining past performances can give you an insight into future expectations. So what lead to you two giving it a go?

Was there this lingering sexual tension between the two of you that you could cut with a knife? Were the two of you constantly finding moments where you were standing so close that you could slip one, maybe two but not three pieces of paper between your lips? Did you keep having instances where a hug started to linger too long, a friendly kiss hello or goodbye seemed to be longer or more intense than expected? Did friendly conversation turn first to innocent flirting and then become increasingly less innocent?

Or was it more matter-of-fact? Was it a conversation where someone brought up the possibility and you both agreed that it sounded like a good idea?  Was it something that you all explicitly talked out, rather than the old chemistry continuing to burn hot and strong, relationship-suitability be damned?

The point of this exercise isn’t “if you’re not having to hold yourselves back from jumping each other’s bones, don’t bother”, it’s to compare how things proceeded back then with what you think you may be seeing now. If there’s a significant difference between then and now, then the odds are higher that this may be in your head (and pants) rather than in the air. That isn’t a guarantee, one way or the other; after all, this is would be your third go-round and you’re not the same people you were the last time you decided to start bangin’ again. But it least gives you a metric for you to measure the current relationship against.

It’s also good to compare those hints to what you know of your friend. If she’s not the sort of person who’s willing to just put it out there and was more subtle or talked around it the first time, then it’s more likely that she might be hinting at things this time. But if it was a more open or more obvious lead-up compared to now, then I’d put money on your hornt up imagination doing some creative editing.

The next thing to consider is why you stopped being FWBs last time. You say that there wasn’t any particular reason outside of needing space, but what did that look like? Was the steam running out of your hot and steamy hookups? Was it a case that the chemistry had always been there but the little frictions and irritations that happen in every relationship drive you apart? Did your dynamic fall back into the same pattern that you had when you were dating, leading to a second, less significant break-up? Did either of you start having second thoughts or feel like maybe this was keeping you two from moving on and seeing other people? Or is it possible that one or the both of you were just done?

Just as importantly: have things changed between you in such a way that would also mean that the reason you stopped being FWBs no longer apply?

Much like when deciding whether or not you should try to get back together with your ex, if the reasons why you stopped the “benefits” part of the FWB haven’t changed, then proposing you pick it back up again is likely not going to work. Even if she is feeling it, you’re going to end up right back where you were the first time – just a little faster this time around.

And the last thing I would ask is: are you hoping to revive the FWB with her because you two have this undeniable chemistry, even if you don’t work in a more committed relationship… or are you just horny and she’s convenient?

Now I know all of this sounds like I’m trying to lead you to giving up on the idea and I’m really not. I’m asking you to really interrogate what you’re feeling and what you think you’re picking up from your friend. Part of improving your social calibration is being mindful of what’s actually there – even if it’s subtle – and what’s just your brain trying to make it happen at all costs. You’ll save yourself an uncomfortable conversation if, after digging in, you realize that maybe you’re just hoping for something, rather than picking up on hints and signals.    

But the person who knows for sure whether or not she’d be into it is your friend. And presumably she knows you well enough to know that you’re actually her friend in good faith, rather than someone who’s hanging around to try to get in her pants one more time. If you’ve made it through a break-up and an FWB phase and you’re still close? You should be able to say “hey, do you ever think of trying being friends with benefits again? I’d been thinking about it recently, and I was wondering if you might be interested in giving it another try,” without worrying that she’s going to make unwarranted assumptions about your intent.

By the same token, you should feel comfortable enough to say “It’s totally fine if you’re not interested,” and hopefully she feels comfortable and secure enough in the friendship to give an honest answer if she isn’t. And if it does shake out that she isn’t feeling it? It may be awkward for a hot second, but you’ve come out of far more awkward moments before and you’re still good friends. Any awkwardness will be temporary and inconsequential, especially against the backdrop of your current friendship.

So take a little time to examine things first. Then, if you’re genuinely sure that there is some mutual interest, ask. Focus on being clear with your intent and interest more than trying to find the magic way to thread the needle; the more you try to dress it up to avoid awkwardness, the more you sacrifice understanding in the name of not making it uncomfortable.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am literally not even 20 minutes removed from my first (and probably last) experience with a sex worker. Oh man. So a little background on 1. what led to this moment, and then 2. I’ll talk about the moment, and 3. how I feel right now, after the moment.

1. I’ve been struggling REALLY HARD from a breakup over a year ago. I’ve been miserable since and have seen a multiple therapists about it through the year. Although they’ve helped, it’s been temporary. I also realized through therapy that I have a sex/porn addiction. Anyways, the breakup made me realize I needed a fresh start because other aspects of my life were also in shambles (career, finances, social group etc). So I moved to Spain, and tonight, I was feeling incredibly lonely as I do most nights. So I decided to impulsively look up escorts in my area (the sex addiction trigger popping up). I messaged one and really nervously walked to her place, which leads me to….

2. To sum it up. It was bad. I was nervous, scared, excited, and just confused. It felt weird the whole thing. She wasn’t into it, there was a huge language barrier, and it felt so fake. I also originally booked 30 minutes but my nervousness wouldn’t allow me to relax and so nothing really happened the first 30 minutes other than me just bumbling around (mind you it’s been over a year since I had sex). Then I felt bad for her, for me so I booked another 30 minutes (140 Euro down the drain….gulp). The next was just as awkward as the first 30. Lots more bumbling and me trying to get aroused, but I couldn’t. I also have a history of not being able to get aroused with people I just met, I think I am a demisexual is the term. So overall, the experience was flaccid (intentional use of the word here….). So this leads me to…

3. Wow. I feel copious amounts of shame. Shame that I relapsed hardcore (I’ve gone to some SAA meetings and have been trying to stay sober), shame that I just threw away 140 Euros, and shame that I couldn’t perform. I feel confused, sad, VERY depressed, and even lonelier, and lots of anger for going through with it and wasting my money. I really don’t know what my question is, but just advice would be great on the whole thing. I feel honestly, so s--tty right now. I’m trying to use this experience as a catalyst for change. I know I have a lot deeper issues than just sex deprivation (which is another issue too). I need some help please. Thank you so much Dr.

Not So Casual Encounter

DEAR NOT SO CASUAL ENCOUNTER: That sounds like a painfully awkward and embarrassing experience and I’m sorry you went through it. 

There are a number of things to unpack here, but there’re two areas that I want to focus on. One is dealing with the feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Let’s tackle that first.

So to start with: you really don’t have anything to be ashamed of here. Let’s leave the inability to get aroused aside; that’s something that happens to everyone at one point or another. Penises are divas and will frequently make like Pavarotti and refuse to perform if circumstances aren’t perfect. If you’re prone to first time jitters, had too much to drink or your heart’s just not into it, you’re like as not to find yourself trying to shoot pool with a piece of rope. It’s natural, it’s normal and it’s honestly not that big of a deal. I can all but guarantee you that it’s not the first time the escort has dealt with situations like this… possibly not even the first time that week.

It’s not surprising that you had a lousy time, even if we separate out feelings of shame and humiliation. This was a bad time and not great service. You and she couldn’t understand each other, you were already feeling under the gun (30 minutes is NOT a lot of time, especially if you’re not ready to go or need time to warm up, as it were) and from the sounds of it you picked the wrong provider for the sort of experience you likely actually wanted. You wanted something closer to what’s known as a “girlfriend experience”, rather than just getting down to business and going.

Between the way things were organized, a lack of overall experience, the mismatch of expectations and a language barrier and a time crunch… yeah, that’s a recipe for an awkward encounter getting more awkward as one flails about trying to fix things in the moment.

But also it seems like you were seeking something entirely different than just getting your rocks off. I suspect, if the language barrier hadn’t been there, you might not have had sex so much as just companionship… which is actually fairly common. A lot of escorts have clients who are looking for someone to talk to and to not be alone; sex, if it happens at all, ends up being a secondary or tertiary concern.

So no, I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. You were lonely, feeling lost and out of control and you went looking for comfort. That’s a perfectly normal and human response.

I think, if there’s anything to take away from this, it’s to recognize that sex is often the vehicle that people use to find what they’re actually after. Visiting an escort isn’t all that unreasonable a means of easing the loneliness. Paid companionship is still companionship and it meant you weren’t going to be as lonely for an hour or so. But ultimately, you were looking for human connection rather than sex and the difficulties you had stemmed from that.

This was ultimately a learning experience, something that helped you get a little closer to understanding what you were actually looking for. The literal price of this lesson stings, I’m sure, but people have spent far more to learn similar things about themselves. I think that reframing this as “ok, that was awkward, but now I know myself better and I have a better idea how to handle this” will be much more helpful here.

But this leads us to the second thing I want to bring up. To be perfectly blunt: sex addiction and porn addiction aren’t really a thing. I’ll quote the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists on this:

“AASECT 1) does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.”

Now, I know there are a lot of organizations and dubiously credentialed “experts” who will insist that it very much is. However, it’s important to note two related things:

1) sex and porn “addiction” is correlated very strongly with religious belief and guilt; the people most prone to seeking treatment for sex or porn addiction tend to be very religious and frequently have complex and troubled relationships with sex and sexuality

and

2) Many if not most of the organizations and counselors promoting sex addiction “recovery” or “treatment” are religiously based and affiliated with various churches.

This isn’t to say that people can’t have problematic relationships with sex or porn. However, these tend to be a form of self-medicating �– the way that drug addiction is often a result of external factors, such as depression or being unhoused – rather than being addicted to sex or porn itself.  If it weren’t porn or if porn were less easily accessible for one reason or another, the majority of people with problematic relationships with porn would be having a problematic and compulsive relationship with something else.

It sounds to me like you have issues surrounding self-worth and shame than with sex or porn. Dealing with those, finding better coping mechanisms and more effective methods of improving your sense of self, self-control and overall well-being are going to be far more helpful than beating yourself up over an awkward sexual encounter.

I think there’re three things that would be helpful here, from this angle.

The first is to forgive yourself for the awkward encounter you had. It wasn’t a good time by any stretch of the imagination, sure, but it’s not something to be ashamed of. You were trying to meet a need and picked something that seemed right in the moment, but turned out to not be what you actually needed. That’s not shameful; you were making the best decision you could at the time and that’s OK. You know better now, so you won’t make the same decision in the future.

The second is to find a sense of control. Right now, it sounds like part of the problem overall is that everything feels very chaotic and unmanageable. A lot of maladaptive behavior is often born out of seeking a sense of control over some aspect of one’s life – even if that control is ultimately negative. Focusing on even just one area and creating a zone in your life where you feel both at peace and that you have things handled is a very good way to remind yourself that you’re not, in fact powerless, and that you have a much better handle on things than it feels in the moment.

Maybe it’s working on your conversational Spanish. Maybe it’s learning how to make tapas or a window-box garden. Even if it’s just taking a weekend to give your apartment a floor-to-ceiling deep clean, finding some small area to express your agency can be huge in terms of creating a zone of comfort and peace. And when you have that foundation to work from, it becomes much easier to start breaking down those seemingly immense, chaotic disasters in your life into smaller, much more easily managed components.

The third thing is that I think you’d do better if you were seeking help from a therapist or counselor who’s trained in dealing with issues, especially feelings of shame regarding sex and porn use, from a sex-positive perspective. That doesn’t mean that the advice is “EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET LAID, GO GET SOME, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER”; it means recognizing that sex isn’t shameful nor something that needs to be restricted or regulated and that people should be having the sex they want (including no sex) with other consenting adults who want the same thing, in a healthy and productive manner. And if the sex you want to be having is more in the context of a relationship or with someone you have an emotional connection with, then that’s the kind of sex you should be having.

While AASECT doesn’t have a referral directory for therapists or counselors in Spain, many of the professionals they list will do video appointments. I’d recommend you check them out.

Finding that comes much more easily when you are coming to it from a place of understanding and self-compassion, rather than shame and recrimination. You deserve the sort of compassion and understanding you would give to your best friend; giving it to yourself and being kind to yourself is going to be much more productive and easier on your heart and soul than beating yourself up.

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com