DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this guy through a friend six months ago, and eventually, we formed a great friend group together. Last New Year’s Eve, we went on holiday, and during a party, he kissed me. However, after kissing him for a bit, I pushed him away because I didn’t know him well enough, and there was alcohol involved, so I wasn’t sure if he was genuinely attracted to me or just influenced by the alcohol. The next day, we didn’t talk about it and acted like nothing had happened. Over time, we became friends, but the kiss remained unspoken, though not forgotten.
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We continued to spend time together in group events, seeing each other about once a month. Then, we decided to go on holiday to my hometown, but this time, our mutual friend couldn’t join, so it was just him, a couple from my friends, and me. While there, he met my friends and family, stayed at my home, and was very caring and attentive. He was supportive and engaged with my daily problems, actively trying to help. He was always pleasant to be around, so I enjoyed his company.
About a month after our holiday, my mom visited us here, and he suggested organizing a thank-you dinner for her. I found this very thoughtful, as none of my other friends had come up with such an idea. During the dinner, he was really talkative and touchy — he caressed my hair and hugged me while we were walking, so I thought I was almost sure that he was interested in me.
Two days later, I sent him a message asking, “If you’re interested, would you like to do something together?”—hinting that I wanted it to just be the two of us. He dodged the question by saying how happy he was to see us all and that he preferred doing things with the friend group. He really emphasized “friends,” so in short, I was friend-zoned. I replied that it was okay and thanked him for clarifying where we stood, but he didn’t respond.
Since then, he’s disappeared. Even in group chats, he’s a ghost reader, and on social media, he lingers around as a viewer with no interactions. It has been two months and I am more than pissed than sad. Because I think I deserve an honest communication. I heard he said to our mutual friend that he fears destroying friendships but this is exactly what he does. He does not talk to me. I need help because I want to solve this but I do not know what to do.
Ghosted and Rejected
DEAR GHOSTED AND REJECTED: So, serious question here: what honest communication are you looking for? Because if I’m being real, it seems pretty clear that you’ve gotten one. He told you, straight up, that he’s not into you like that.
Though, to be fair: it seems like you haven’t exactly encouraged him to see you as more than a friend, either. You pushed him away after he kissed you on New Years and there doesn’t seem to have been any other times in the span between then and when you asked him out that you’ve ever given him a hint that you might be interested. So by the time you got around to asking him on a date, I think he successfully picked up the message you were sending.
Now, there is a question to be raised about whether that was a message you wanted to send. The part that leaps out to me is when you say that the kiss went unspoken but not forgotten. The way you phrased your letter makes me wonder: did you tell him why you pushed him away? As in, did you say – ideally when he was sober – “hey, the kiss was nice, but I barely know you and we’d been drinking, so I don’t know if you like me or it was the booze”? Because if that also went unsaid, then I can see how he’d be working with the assumption that you’re just not into him that way.
But regardless of how we ended up here, this is where we are and now it’s a question of how to deal with things. And I think part of the issue here is that you seem to be leaping to some weird conclusions based more out of the sting of rejection than anything else.
From your letter, I can see two distinct possibilities about what’s going on. In the first, he’s feeling awkward about everything, so he’s taken a step back. Not the most mature decision, but not an uncommon one either. In the second, he’s got s--t going on that has absolutely nothing to do with you and it’s taking up his time, attention and/or energy and he’s retreated from things because he doesn’t have the bandwidth to spare.
But this also brings me to another question: have you reached out to him since all this went down? Is there a point in the last two months where you’ve reached out and said “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything ok?” Or has this been mutual radio silence? This is going to make a pretty significant difference in how I would interpret things. If it’s the former… well, I think the answer is that he’s pulled back from you. If it’s the latter… well, I could see how he’d see your lack of communication as being a sign that you’re upset at him and responding accordingly.
This is a situation where someone needs to make the first move and it may as well be you. Seeing as you were the one who was rejected, I think being the one to try to break the awkward silence seems appropriate. I tell guys all the time that if they don’t things to be awkward after being turned down, they need to make it not be awkward, and that applies here, too. Reaching out with a “hey, long time no speak, you doing alright?” would be a step towards figuring out where you stand and what to do next. If it is the case that he’s neck deep in s--t and getting deeper, then offering support or assistance would be good. If it’s that he feels worried that things are going to be awkward between you, then making a move to push through the awkward would be equally helpful. And if it’s the case that he’s pulled back because he doesn’t want to be friends (for some unknown reason)… well, now at least you have an answer, because no answer is an answer. But if he comes back later on, then you can at least take this as a likely sign that he was working on things on his own.
Send out a signal flare and see how he responds. What you get back will tell you where you stand.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com