DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a guy in my mid-20s, and every so often I’ll get told something that boils down to, I come off as effeminate. Someone once told me (he thought he was being helpful…) to “dress more like a man.” I’ve been told certain photos of me make me look “soft” or “feminine.” Occasionally someone will assume I’m queer. I’d say most of the time it’s not malicious, but it does feel like a recurring theme. For one thing, I don’t entirely understand why I get these comments: I think my dress tends to be fairly neutral/masculine, with the occasional bright colors (big tie-dye guy) or floral pattern. I like wearing rings and a necklace or two, but not makeup or piercings. I know some things I can’t control – I have a higher-pitched voice than the average man, and maybe being on the short side doesn’t help. Maybe I have certain “feminine” mannerisms, I don’t know. If I’m out and about, I’ll carry my things in a small tote bag for convenience. At least a majority of my friends happen to be women, and I work in a female-dominated industry. Some of my interests include activities that attract more women than men, like yoga, reading, and environmental issues (why these things are considered feminine-coded, I don’t know, but that’s a whole other chat). My music taste includes artists who don’t have a big cishet-male fanbase. Not sure how relevant all this is, just trying to paint as much of a picture as I can.

Now, I don’t care about presenting as stereotypically masculine, nor do I think men have to, nor do I care what people think of how I carry myself… but I do care to the extent that women might discount me as a possible romantic interest based on a first impression. I will say, it isn’t friends who say anything like this to me – sometimes it’s a friend of a friend, or someone at a party, or every now and then just a stranger. I’d say it’s also more often than not a guy saying it when I get a comment along these lines, so grain of salt, I guess. But it does make me wonder, and feel a little anxious, about what women might think about me based on one meeting or conversation at a party or a group event. Or at a speed dating event or on an app, where first impressions are everything. Or on a first date, where someone might think after an hour, he seems nice, but I don’t see it. To be clear, I’m not talking about trying to present in that obnoxious, dudebro, Andrew Tate, hypermasculine sort of way (I DEFINITELY don’t want to), or to imply that that’s what women are looking for (I know it’s not). I guess I’m more talking about giving off an impression that someone wouldn’t inherently think is “bad” or “wrong” but also doesn’t square with their mental image of a date or a partner. Again, what I’m trying to say isn’t “I don’t want to come off as effeminate” – more just, “I don’t want to be written off,” I suppose.

I don’t know, am I just being insecure? Are things like the apps or dating events maybe not the right approach for me? Are there any sort of “you don’t have to change your whole personality, but maybe try this” tips that might help me?

Thank you so much,

Not James Dean

DEAR NOT JAMES DEAN: Welcome to the wild world of gender, where the rules are made up and the points don’t mean anything.

No, seriously; gender is a construct, and what’s considered to be “masculine” and “feminine” change on an almost weekly basis. Today’s “manly” look is tomorrow’s “hyper-femme” and vice-versa. Damn near everything we consider to be masculine or feminine coded has flipped at one point or another.

High heels, short-shorts, leggings or stockings? Those were masculine styles of dress – the better to show off the ‘well turned calves’ of certain members of French and British royalty. Powder, wigs, lipstick, rouge? All the rage for the stylish man in Louis XIV’s court who were following the lead of their king. Blue for boys and pink for girls? Used to be the exact opposite; pink was considered the more “manly” color because it was ‘dusky red’ and was too “exciting” for girls, while blue was the color of skies and was more serene and calming. This flipped in the 1940s, because clothing manufacturers decided it was the case.

Bright colors, floral prints, extravagant brocades and embroidering were, likewise, primarily male looks. It took Beau Brummell deciding to flaunt fashion and choose long pants, solid colors and an undecorated frock coat – and the association of French fashion with the guillotine – to change what the fashion-forward man-about-town would wear.  

Purses, totes, carry-alls, slings… these have all been male-coded, female-coded and unisex at one point or another. Hell, even things like “coding” and “computer programming” were considered secretarial work and the province of women… right up until men decided it was important and thus “male”.

Even general concepts like “environmentalism” and “reading” have flipped around from being considered “male” and “female” pursuits, which really should tell you just how much of gender is just a bunch of folks throwing darts at a wall and shaking a Magic 8-Ball.

What does this mean for you? Well, mostly it means you’re getting lost in your own head in it all. I’m entirely unsurprised that the people who are commenting on your supposedly “femme-y” presentation are men; one of the most important, unwritten rules of “masculinity” is that men are supposed to police the masculinity of others. It’s part of how we establish our place in the pecking order – you find someone who’s not conforming and force them into compliance. Sometimes it’s via social pressure, sometimes through outright threats and violence… hell, there have been laws in our lifetimes where wearing the “wrong” clothes could get you thrown in jail and cops were authorized to “correct” you based on little more than vibes. After all, if people don’t conform to these rigid and arbitrary rules of gender presentation, then the whole edifice might come tumbling down and then where would we be?

I mean, s--t, look at how much people lose their goddamn minds whenever Billy Porter or Harry Stiles or anyone else wears a dress. You’d think that they’d threatened to pour Joker venom into the city aquifer from the way people get all up in their feelings about it.

My general feeling is that honestly, unless your skin tone and hair  doesn’t work with the colors you’re rocking (shoutout to us gingers who can’t wear pink because it looks AWFUL on us), I couldn’t give a six-legged rat’s ass. You like wearing loose, blousy shirts? Awesome, it’s gonna be a lot more comfortable as the climate goes to s--t. Learn how clothes are supposed to fit, make sure everything’s clean, get the colors that look good on you and rock the f--k on. Life is too goddamn short to give that much of a s--t about what other people are wearing, no matter what the latest discourse says.

(Seriously, why the f--k does anyone get upset that Gen-Z thinks ankle socks are stupid? Nazis are on the march again and we’re supposed to argue about calf-length vs. no-shows? Christ on a goddamn cracker people, get some perspective.)

But what about what women think? Well… what about it? Here’s the thing that I think you’re missing: if a woman is going to think that your style is just too girly or not “manly” enough for her, then that’s just someone who isn’t right for you. I don’t mean that as an insult to them, just that if you don’t conform to their idea of a date or mate, then that’s not inherently a bad thing. If anything, it saves you both a lot of time. I promise, clothing is the start; there will be other areas where you just mesh correctly.

And you know, that’s fine. People are allowed to have preferences. Some people like more conventional gender presentations, others love it when people throw convention to the wind. Some people want Metallica, some people want Prince and some want David Bowie. Some people want Donna Reed and others want Grace Jones or the flannel-clad, axe-toting lumberjack of their dreams.

And trust me: there’re women out there who adore soft-boys and femme-y guys. There’re a whole host of affectionate terms for men who aren’t conventionally masculine; just check AO3. 

Here’s what I think is important: do you look good? Do you feel good when rocking your style? Does it make you feel like a sexy badass? Are you happy with your habits, hobbies and musical tastes? Well there you go; I don’t see any real reason to change. Because here’s the thing: we wear our identities on our sleeves – quite literally, in many cases. How we present ourselves is an outward expression of who we are. It’s an easy shorthand for who we are as people, and while some folks may write us off, it also makes it easier for the right people to find us. So rather than worrying about how many women will think you’re not what she’s looking for, consider that what you want is someone who looks at you and says “oooh, hello salty goodness.”

Will you turn off more people than you turn on? Possibly, but that’s not a bad thing. Quantity doesn’t have a quality all of its own. If anything, you end up wasting a lot of time on people who just aren’t right for you. There’s a reason why I quote that old saw about not being everyone’s cup of tea, but aiming to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. You don’t want a lot of people who only kinda like you, you want a few people who crave what you have to offer. If your style, your manner and your interests are all authentic to who you are, then you want people who are going to vibe with that.

Sure, there’re some things you could do differently. You’re almost certainly using your “head” voice rather than your “chest” voice, with your voice resonating more through your nasal passages than your chest. This tends to make your voice a bit higher and more nasal; speaking more with your chest voice tends to be deeper and sounds more assertive and confident. It also tends to be more comfortable and causes less vocal strain, because your vocal chords are being supported by your diaphragm and chest muscles instead of your throat.

You might also pay more attention to the way you move; short, quick movements tend to read less confident or assured than slower, more graceful ones. A little attention there might cut down on the number of comments you get and make you feel a bit more confident and masculine.

But overall? I think you’re thinking too much about the people who are a poor match for you and not enough about the ones who are good matches. Instead of worrying about the people who don’t vibe with your style and personality, look for the ones who dig it. You’ll be much happier overall.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading this site for years. Not sure if you’ve had anything that would answer this directly, so I decided to ask.

So, here’s the situation. I (33), was at a function with friends, and family, where I met this woman, who was 20 years old. I thought she was very attractive, and she seemed pretty cool. However, although I don’t see anything wrong with dating someone much younger, I couldn’t see myself with someone much younger than. This person was no exception.

Problem is that wasn’t enough to stop me from being attracted, and drawn to her. Speaking to her, I thought she was cool, but I didn’t feel like we were really compatible, partly because of age. Funny enough, I told her that I thought she was attractive, etc., but the age was a no go. Now, in my head, I thought I’d get over it, because I don’t see anything going anywhere, but yet, as the night kept going, I realized that I like her, anyways.

At the end of the night, I decided to ask her out, and then when talking about it, we ultimately decided that it wasn’t the best idea. I felt like it was the right decision, but I’m kind of doubting myself.

I guess my question is if you don’t see a strong future with someone (them becoming your girlfriend, etc.), but you think it can be a fun short term thing, is it ok to go for it? I spent a lot of my 20s going on dates with people I didn’t see a future with, with the hopes of having short term fun. After finding 2 women that I really, really liked, I wonder if it’s better to just date women I can see a future with. Issue with that is, those have been incredibly rare. Hope all of this made sense.

Indecision May Or May Not Be My Problem

DEAR INDECISION MAY OR MAY NOT BE MY PROBLEM: I’m going to confess to being curious: did the idea that she was too young for you actually come up in conversation with her – as in, you and she were talking about finding each other desirable, or did you just drop that in the middle of talking with her like a weird neg out of nowhere?

I ask because… well, honestly, the way you wrote this sounds like you tossed that in out of the clear blue sky, rather than the two of you were flirting but you were trying to hold things at arm’s length. And if it’s the former rather than the latter, then you’re really getting ahead of yourself and that’s going to cause issues later on.

I also want to point out that being attracted to someone has nothing to do with whether anything could come of it or the relationship could go anywhere. Just because someone would make a lousy girlfriend or boyfriend for you doesn’t mean that you also don’t want to f--k them stupid. You can be attracted to people who are wrong for you. Hell, you can find yourself dying to bang someone you actively loathe. To paraphrase the sage: attraction isn’t brains, it’s blood, screaming at you to work its will.  

But let me actually address the question you were asking: no, not every person you date needs to be a potential Forever Person for you. You’re allowed to date people for funsies, just as you’re allowed to date people when you know that a long-term relationship isn’t in the cards. Longevity isn’t a mark of quality in relationships, it’s just a mark of how long the relationship has lasted. There’s nothing inherently wrong or bad about dating casually, nor is there anything wrong with a relationship that doesn’t end with one or both of you dying in the saddle. Not every love story is meant to be War and Peace. Sometimes it’s a novella, sometimes it’s a short story, and sometimes it’s just a dirty limerick. And that’s fine. None of these are inherently better than the others.

Dating is better when it’s someone you genuinely like and are compatible with. That doesn’t mean that the compatibility needs to be the “forever” kind, where they have traits that would make the relationship last for years. It just means that they’re right for you in these particular ways, ways that align with what you’re looking for. If all you’re looking for is something short-term and fun, then you want people who are compatible with you in the ways that would facilitate that kind of relationship.

Think of it this way: if you’re looking for something fun but short term, perhaps you would want to date someone who’s less structured and more spontaneous, who has fewer responsibilities and more interest in the immediate future but not as many long-term plans. In other words: someone who’s more aligned with what you’re looking for in that particular moment and whose general lifestyle and personality lean that way.

Just as importantly though: just because a relationship starts off as casual or just for fun doesn’t mean that it has to stay that way. I’ve known many, many people whose long term relationships started off as just a casual connection or – in some cases – what was supposed to be a one-night stand or crazy hook-up. The one night stand just… didn’t end at one night. They decided to keep seeing each other, casually, of course, and before they knew it, years had passed and they’d moved in together and were seriously talking about marriage and kids.

So if you think someone might be a fun time and they, likewise, think you’d be a laugh and a half, you’re both certainly welcome to give things a go. Sometimes that’s all a relationship needs to be: a momentary thing that starts in spring and fades by fall. The future doesn’t need to be forever. It just needs to be long enough to be worth it.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started reading your blog and it has certainly been helpful. I am on the autism spectrum and more of a slow burn with regards to women. So, I am still somewhat puzzled by what sort of concrete steps I could take. Right now, I am far away from home, so I have good reason to try things like asking people, especially nice-looking women, for directions. Almost every time I got a friendly and helpful response. (The most negative answer was to inquire why I was not using Google Maps.) When I walk around the city I do get looks from women. All would fine and well but for the fact that I really need to know a person well to become attracted. So, I have to find some other method that works for me.

The thing is that I cannot form a long-term relationship right now as I am an exchange student in a foreign country. It has been six interesting months which are soon about to end. This however has meant less opportunities for what you call warm approaches. My friends are not here, and six months is not really a lot of time for creating new close friendships. Besides there is a language barrier which has made things difficult. I did go to many events for exchange students. I would mostly feel either tired or bored at them. Going to them has meant that I have become more comfortable doing small talk with people though (although mostly with men). The fact remains that I have hard time enjoying myself in group activities. I have friends but they are all one-on-basis and I have never been part of bigger group of friends. I realize that I need to become better dealing with people in groups in order become better in dating, but I haven’t found a solution yet.

I think I have made some actual progress over here. Still there is a feeling that I have also wasted a lot of time. My mind is telling me that I should concentrate on my studies, spend more time reading at the library and spend less time working on my long-term dating goals. I know that partly my mind wants me to stay on my comfort zone and wants me to avoid the discomfort of talking to strangers. But I am also really conflicted. Here away from home I have an ideal setting to do some real work which I will not have back home. So, I guess the real question is how I find balance between with doing studies which I enjoy doing and making an effort with regards to becoming more comfortable with women. I think this will also be an issue for me when I return home.

I realize that I there are a lot of things to be done and I cannot wait forever. I will very soon turn 30 and I am virgin (a couple of hugs, that’s all). This bothers me less than it used to. I am comfortable with my looks and personality. However, time is an issue. A day will come when I graduate and then there will be fewer opportunities. I know this and feel the pressure to get things done. I also know that things take their time, and this is probably not the right moment to jump into the dating world. I have never had an “official” relationship. But I had an emotional and turbulent friendship with a certain woman which recently ended. (In this case I was not the only one who was emotional which made it even harder.) That is one reason I am uncertain what I should be doing right now. There are some smaller things that could be done, right?

Things Are Simpler in the Library

DEAR THINGS ARE SIMPLER IN THE LIBRARY: Serious question, TASL: are those concerns – concentrating on your studies, the language barrier, the feeling that you can’t look for anything long term – sincere, or is are they the excuses you’re using to avoid doing something you find uncomfortable?

Take a moment and give this some actual thought – as honest and sincere consideration as you can. It’s really easy to come up with all sorts of excuses to not do something that’s outside of your comfort zone; after all, the territory outside what you’re used to is strange and often confusing and your comfort zone is well known.

Seriously break those ideas down. Why, for example, are you using “well, I can’t look for anything long term” as a reason to not work on your social skills? Is that your actual concern? Or is it easier to say “well, if I can’t achieve this particular, specific goal, then I shouldn’t bother starting to practice the skills that would let me get there?” Why is it “gold medal at the end or don’t even start”? Do you sincerely think that the only option is that if you start meeting people, you have to take it all the way to a committed relationship? Are there no stopping points in between? Are you that focused on a long-term relationship, or is it easier to avoid even starting if choose to set the goal unreasonably high?

The same goes with all these limitations you’re putting in your own way. You’ve created restrictions on what you can or “can’t” do based on very little. You don’t need someone to be your ride-or-die to meet their friends any more than you can only flirt or socialize with people you intend to marry.

This is sort of all-or-nothing outlook is common avoidance behavior, and it’s worth digging into. A lot of people will psych themselves out, deliberately or unintentionally, by focusing entirely on the end goal. The problem is that the end goal may be clear, but how you get there is unclear… so you don’t bother even starting in the first place.

However, if you work backwards from that goal, you can often break through that particular block. OK, so if the end goal is “long term relationship”, what’s the step before that? Likely having the “defining the relationship” talk with someone you’ve been seeing. Ok, so what’s the step before that? Seeing someone regularly, going on dates and seeing if there’s enough there to make them a viable partner for you. What’s the step before that? Going on that first date. The step before that? Meeting people who you might want to go on a date with. And before that… well, it’s getting comfortable talking with people, flirting and socializing.

So how would avoiding people and spending all of your time at the library get you closer to that first step? It wouldn’t, clearly.

Now consider ask yourself this: how would staying in your comfort zone benefit you as far as growing or achieving your goals? To be frank: it probably won’t. Part of the problem with staying in your comfort zone is that it’s the same ol’ same ol. It’s what you know, what you’ve always done before. It’s the status quo. And the problem is that you’re not satisfied with the status quo; if you were, then you wouldn’t be writing in to me.

This is entirely a self-imposed problem, using the unfamiliarity of socializing with groups of people, talking with strangers etc., as an excuse to do nothing. Instead of coming up with all these reasons why it wouldn’t be a “good idea”, you might want to ask why it would be a bad idea to do it anyway. Because if it really comes down to “well, I wouldn’t achieve this incredibly arbitrary goal”, then it’s probably a good indication that you’re just stuck in an objection mindset and you’re trying to avoid something you find intimidating.

But here’s the thing: avoidance doesn’t make it any better. Life is going to be full of discomforts and uncertainty; the more you experience, the more you attempt, the fewer unknowns you face. Moreover, by taking on things that intimidate you and overcome them, you’re teaching yourself that you’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for. You also build up a repertoire of skills that can then be applied to other areas of life, so that when you encounter something else that’s new and unfamiliar and intimidating, you have a better idea of how to handle it.

The final thing to consider is that much of what we consider to be our personality is really just a series of habits. Do something often enough and it becomes ingrained, something you just do. If you keep avoiding challenges and stepping outside your comfort zone, it becomes a habit; you just start avoiding anything you don’t think you can accomplish perfectly, right off the bat. And those habits don’t stay static; once you start avoiding things, you start to avoid other challenges, other opportunities, or even events or situations that remind you of the things you normally avoid. As a result, the world you allow yourself to live in just becomes increasingly smaller and more constrained.

But that’s the thing about habits: they can be changed. It requires concerted and sustained effort, but you can change them. So what if, instead of avoiding those situations, you focused instead on getting in the habit of talking to people? What if you let yourself be curious and made a point of meeting people you don’t know? What if you stopped seeing it as “staying in your comfort zone” and started seeing it as “challenging yourself” or “growing as a person” or even “leveling up”?

The phrase “growth begins where your comfort zone ends” is a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. Growth doesn’t happen without discomfort and change. It only happens when you encounter things you haven’t seen or done before; otherwise you’re just staying static.

So, rather than creating these artificial barriers and restrictions for yourself, start seeing this as a series of challenges that help you grow and become the person you want to be. Instead of saying “I can’t do this, I just find these things boring”, perhaps you should be looking at it as “why do I find this boring? What could I do that would make it more interesting to me?” Maybe the problem isn’t group activities so much as the activity itself. Or perhaps the problem is that you’re going to these with the idea that it’s going to be boring and stressful and so you don’t actually participate in ways that would make them more interesting.

The key, then, would be to go with a mind of trying to do things differently, pushing past the feeling of awkwardness or the intimidation factor and participating in ways you hadn’t before. Maybe you’ll discover that part of what was holding you back was, well, holding back. Or maybe they’ll still be less-than-riveting, but you’ll learn skills that’ll help you find more interesting activities when you’re back home.

And that’s another thing to consider: what you start doing now will help you later – like when you’re back home. It also doesn’t mean that you have to attack these like you’re planning a military campaign, where it has to be the sole focus of your every waking moment. Yes, developing skills takes deliberate practice, but that doesn’t mean treating practice like you have to do that and only that for an hour a day. The folks who pick up skills the fastest are the ones who find ways to fold practice into their day to day activities. Some things, like being more social, can be accomplished in a multitude of little ways throughout each day… if you pay attention to when and how those opportunities arise, that is.

Oh, and one more thing: part of the problem is that you’re also giving yourself artificial deadlines. Not just your time as an exchange student coming to an end or even graduation, but the idea that you have to accomplish X, Y or Z by a certain point. While I know some neurodivergent folks rely on the ideas of deadlines to break through blocks on executive function, it also can become an avoidance technique. Once you start thinking “I have to do X within Y days”, it becomes a lot easier to think “well, Y is coming up soon, so there’s no point in starting because I’ll never finish in time.” From there, it becomes “Well, Y has passed, so there’s no point in even bothering now, it’s just too late.”

But it’s not. It’s only too late because you decided it is. Time is an illusion, deadlines aren’t real and you don’t have to be limited by those imaginary constraints. Stop worrying about doing things “perfectly” or “properly” and just do them. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly, even if the supposed “window” in which you were supposed to do them had closed.

Stop focusing on “someday” or “too late” or the idea that “time is running out” and focus on the “now”. Are you doing things that’re getting you closer to those goals? No? Then start doing them. Don’t worry about the end goal, just focus on the small part in front of you, then move to the next step. Accomplish that one and then just focus on the step after that.

Focus on one step at a time, and you’ll soon discover that you’ve gotten a lot farther than you would have if you just kept fretting and fussing over the “best” way to do things.

Good luck.

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