DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a guy friend who I’ve known for over a month now through a local meetup group that gets together for coffee every Sundays. From the day I met him, I thought that he was cute, smart, and funny. Although I’ve hung out with him at other social gatherings such as at a board game group I invited him to join, as well as at his church, I have kept my romantic feelings for my guy friend quiet, as I do not want to scare him away nor make things awkward between us if I speak too soon. 

Still, I’m afraid that another girl might show interest in him or vice versa. In other words, I am afraid that if I wait too long to express how I feel, it’ll be too late, and he will have moved onto someone else. What should I do?

Too Slow, Too Little, Too Late

DEAR TOO SLOW, TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE: This is easy, TSTLTL; ask him out on a date. If he says yes, then congratulations: you’ve got a date. If he says no, then you can move on. Either way, you’ll have your answer.

And yes, it should be asking him out on a date, not telling him how you feel. I’m a firm believer that just making a “confession” of sorts makes for engaging teen dramas or plays into Bridgeton fantasies of having to hide your feelings because of the rules of high-society or whatever, but in the far flung future of the 21st century, it’s a needless passing of responsibility. Pretty much every love or crush confession is ultimately one person saying “hey, here are feelings I have; now do something with them.” That’s not a great way to get a relationship started; you’re functionally asking the other person to make a whole lot of calls that they aren’t really in a position to make with any degree of certainty.

Asking someone on a date, on the other hand, is pretty simple and straightforward. Instead of asking the other person to decide what kind of relationship the two of you are going to have, right then and there, you’re asking them for something much smaller – just a date. You’re asking for an opportunity to explore how you feel, to see if there’s enough “there” there to decide if you want to pursue more than that. It’s a much easier thing to say “yes” to because the stakes are correspondingly lower. It also means that you’re telling them that you like them. After all, folks don’t ask people they don’t like on dates.

The problem here is that you’re a little too in your head about this. You’re creating problems where there really aren’t any, and you’re letting these imagined problems get in the way of reality. This is especially true considering that what you’re really afraid of isn’t “scaring him away” or “making things awkward” or moving “too fast”. You’re worried that he’s going to reject you. Everything else is camouflage.

This is a tale as old as time. The things you’re trying to avoid aren’t about it being “too soon” or “coming on too strong”; they’re about trying to reassure yourself that there’s a critical path you can follow, some way of asking him on a date that will guarantee he’ll say yes. And there isn’t one. Relationships require vulnerability. Trying to start a relationship with another person means deliberately opening yourself to the possibility of getting hurt – either in the immediate now or in the future. Trying to find the “right” time and the “right” way is just trying to avoid that need to be vulnerable… but the only way to do that is to avoid the question entirely. So you have to decide whether the potential reward is worth the risk of getting hurt by being turned down. You also have to decide if not taking that chance is worth the possibility that someone else will. People can’t call dibs on other people and he’s a free agent. Unless you give him a reason to go on a date with you, there’s every chance that someone else will, and he’ll say “yes” to them instead. That’s part of the risk you choose to accept if you decide to wait for the “right” time, instead of making the right time.

You can’t control his response – either to you or to any other person who might ask him out, so don’t even try. The only thing you can control are your actions and how you respond to things. If you don’t want things to be awkward, don’t make them awkward. Give yourself permission to feel a little sad about it but resolve to power through any awkwardness and just behave the way you did before. That is within your control.

But so is deciding to cowgirl up and ask him out.

So don’t worry about “too soon”, don’t worry about making things awkward; ask him out on a date and you’ll get your answer. One way or another, you’ll be able to move forward and not have to keep thinking about this.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve been a long-time reader of your advice and I’ve learned a lot from you over the years. I’m reaching out because I’m struggling with a strong attachment to my ex, and I’m unsure of what to do next.

Here’s a bit of background: I’m a man in my late twenties. I met my ex at my first job after graduating from university, during the COVID-19 pandemic. Initially, all our interactions were online, and we bonded over shared humor and hobbies. I was aware that my ex had a partner, so I never considered anything romantic. Additionally, I rarely feel attraction, so romance wasn’t on my mind.

When we returned to the office, we realized there was a significant sexual tension between us as we worked closely together on the same project. We talked about it and even though I tried switching teams to keep things professional, the tension just got stronger. Turns out, my ex was going through a rough patch in their relationship and they eventually split. We started dating shortly thereafter, and although she never physically cheated her partner, I believe we emotionally crossed boundaries.

Our relationship was amazing. We had this deep connection, especially since we both had childhood trauma and were trying to overcome it. I felt seen, loved and accepted for the first time in my life. But it was intense, and I’d never been in such a serious relationship before, which brought its own anxieties.

A few months later, I was offered a career making opportunity abroad, which I accepted due to my ambitious nature and tendency to throw myself into work. Unfortunately, my ex was dealing with recent losses and sought stability, and to settle down and start a family—something I wasn’t sure about at the time (family brought a lot of stuff up for me that I wasn’t ready for). Ultimately, we decided to break up, and I moved overseas.

Looking back, moving was the right call for my career and my mental health. Distancing myself from my toxic family has done wonders for my mental health and self-development. I have also grown a lot as a person, acquired new skills, learned languages and taken on new challenges. I have also gone on dates with people from many nationalities and backgrounds. However, I haven’t connected with anyone as I did with her.

Despite our breakup, we have kept in contact occasionally, and recently our interactions on social media have become somewhat frequent and flirtatious. However, I found out they moved in with someone new earlier this year, though my ex dodges any talk about it and I know she is avoiding directly telling me for some reason.

Now, as I near the end of my current project and prepare to return home for a visit, I’m torn about whether to meet with my ex. She has hinted at wanting to reconnect, knowing the duration of my project abroad. I still love them and fantasize about rekindling our relationship. However, my career is on the rise, and I’ve been offered another opportunity in the main headquarters, which means moving yet again. My work fulfils me, I am good at it, and it has given me financial freedom, although I also use it as a coping mechanism.

I’m torn. I don’t want to mess with my ex’s feelings or hold her back. I know she waited for me for months after I left and asked me multiple times if I would come back. I always encouraged her to move on so she could start a family like she wanted.

If I meet up and open that can of worms again, I’d have to be ready to make some serious career decisions or maybe completely cut ties to let her move on. It feels a bit silly to still be hung up on something that only lasted a few months years ago, but I haven’t clicked with anyone else the same way and I think I would like to start a family and would be ready this time (and I can´t imagine doing it with anyone else).

I’m not sure what to do and would really appreciate your thoughts. Their happiness matters, but so does my own path and goals.

Thanks so much for your advice. It is very needed.

Detachment Issues

DEAR DETACHMENT ISSUES: So, serious question here, DI: whose feelings are you really worried about? Are you truly and sincerely worried that your ex is still carrying a torch for you all these years and, despite having just moved in with someone she’s dating, would immediately leap at a chance to get back together with you and wreck her life in the process? Or are you worried that if you see her again, the dam is going to break and the feelings that you’ve tried to put aside are going to come rushing forward and you’ll be dealing with having to break your own heart again?

Or maybe there’s a third possibility: you’re worried that you and she both feel the same way and if you open that door, you’re going to have to choose between her and your job again… and you’re not sure which would be the right answer. ��Perhaps a fourth possibility: you’re still carrying a torch and the vague hope that she’s still got feelings for you, but you’re worried that if you actually interact, you’ll realize that she has moved on when you haven’t…

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all a big hullaballoo over not much at all and if you were to actually go and see her, you’d have the warm nostalgia of seeing an ex who you left on good terms with, but you’d discover that both of you have moved on and the feelings you’ve been feeling are an illusion, an echo that you’ve been conflating with the real thing.

Clearly there’s a part of you that feels like maybe you made the wrong choice. Yeah, going abroad and taking that job was a good move for you, had benefits to your career, broadened your horizons as a person and got you away from your toxic family… but what about what you left behind?

So perhaps the problem is that you’re seeing this less as a visit back home and more of having to confront the possibilities that you closed the door on. I suspect that part of what’s itching at you is the worry that you’re going to see her again, feel those old feelings rise up and then see what you’ve “missed out on” as someone else stepped into the role you could’ve occupied, and you’re worried about how much that’s going to hurt. Especially since she very clearly still occupies a prominent place in your heart.

Part of why I suspect this is the case is that a lot of the time, when we have a difficult time getting over someone, it’s less about the person themselves and more about what they represent. In this case, she’s very much the Road Not Taken, and the unanswered questions about a potential future you turned away from. After all, your relationship didn’t end because things weren’t working out or you were falling out of love with one another. It didn’t end because it had reached its natural conclusion. It ended because you were at a crossroad in your life and you couldn’t walk both at the same time. So you chose the path without her and that truncated the relationship at a high-point instead of a point where it would be easier to say “well, we reached the end of our road together and now we had to grow separately from one another.” This is made all the harder by the fact that she clearly felt the same way, at least at the beginning. More, even, to an extent; after all, she clearly held out hope that maybe you would turn back and rejoin her before you’d gone too far down that other path. So you have that extra little twist of the knife in those unresolved questions.

I think that this is part of why you haven’t found other people who made you feel the same way. It’s not that those people don’t exist; they absolutely do. It’s that you’ve still got this open loop regarding your ex that you haven’t fully closed because of the way this relationship ended. You haven’t given yourself closure over it. Maybe part of it is because you haven’t wanted to and you’ve been holding onto the hope that you could pick it back up again. Maybe it’s because you’re not used to a relationship ending on a high note instead of a low one and it’s harder to see this as the end of the relationship you had. Ultimately, I think it comes down to just not fully letting this be your past.

But if I’m being honest? I think your bigger issue here is that you’re borrowing trouble from the future – a future that may well never come to pass. You’re anticipating problems that may or may not exist, but you’re treating them as not only do they exist but that they’re inevitable… and they’re not. You’re reacting to facts not in evidence, but treating them as though they were. I think, before you start trying to figure out whether to choose between “give up my promising career and ambitions” and ”break my (er, I mean my ex’s) heart again”, you wait and see if those are actually the choices you have to decide between. I think you’ll be surprised to find out that they aren’t.

Here’s the thing: you’re not the same person you were when you broke up with your ex. Neither is she. You’ve both grown, changed, seen different things and had different experiences in the times that you were apart. You’re different people now, and whatever relationship the two of you had is in the past. Whatever relationship you two will have in the future – if any – is going to be different. Even if you two get together, it’s not going to be picking things up where you left off. You’re going to be starting a new relationship, a different one with this person because neither of you are who you were when you were dating the first time around.

And that new relationship may well not be romantic. It may be entirely platonic; tinged with the knowledge of what you had, but also with the knowledge that you two weren’t in a place where that relationship could go for as long as you might want and so it ended. Life is full of “in a different timeline” moments like that… but that doesn’t mean that they’re bad. It just means that they’re different and that’s ok.

I won’t say if you should or shouldn’t see her; that’s entirely up to you. But I will say that I don’t think it’s going to be the disaster or upheaval you’re afraid of if you do. I think that’s what you’re afraid of, not what will be. It may well do you some good to see her again, if only so that you feel like you can finally draw the curtain on the past and give yourself closure on your relationship. It may sting… but that’s the sting of cleaning an open cut so it can finally heal, not the crush of a breaking heart.

Then again, who knows. Maybe seeing her again will mean that you’ll discover your priorities have changed, or hers will have and you can find a way of making things work if that’s where you’re both at. Or it may be a big nothing; you see each other, you reconnect, and then you go your separate ways. Always in motion, the future is.

Don’t assume trouble where there isn’t any. Don’t prepare for problems that you don’t know you’ll actually have. If you want to see her again, do so with an open heart and open expectations, to meet her where she is now instead of where you both were in the past. One way or another, you’ll have the opportunity to close this particular loop and finally see what the future has in store for you.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve read some of your previous blogs and can relate to the men who say that they have a lot going for them and are considered by their friends and family to be “attractive”, both in terms of their physical appearance and their personality. I don’t want to go into the details too much, but I myself would like to believe that I’m a good man with positive attributes, and I too have experienced A LOT of positive feedback from others to the point where they are genuinely shocked that I am single. However, my reality is that despite my so-called strengths, I’ve not had anything to show for it in terms of romance. So, I’m trying to answer a question, which is…what am I doing that is so off-putting to women in my age range?

Case in point – I go to a lot of local events with live music, as well as do salsa classes. These are passions of mine, and I’m a good dancer. It just so happens that, naturally, these events happen to draw in women. I’ve befriended some of these women, but almost all of them have partners and / or are too young / too old for me to be dating. That’s okay! I like having women as friends!

Yet, whereas these female friends of mine think highly of me, trust me completely, and believe that I have every girl crushing on me, on the other side of the coin is the reactions (or lack thereof) that I get from women that, in theory, would be more suitable as a love interest.

For example, I went to a social event about two months, and as part of the class we were required to rotate with different partners. I observed that, with the older crowd, I could have a quick conversation and a good laugh with them, and you could tell they enjoyed doing the class with me because they would later come up and ask for a dance. The women in their twenties or early thirties? A total lack of eye contact, barely saying a word, some of them out-right blanking me when I did try to talk to them, and one who actually skipped ahead to dance with another lead. I know it’s specifically a “me” problem, because I then go on to observe them happily dancing with and chatting to other men.

This has been consistent throughout my life – at college, at university, and now as an adult, the women belonging to the demographic most suited for me to date are the ones that either treat me like a ghost, or look as if they would rather be doing anything else other than talking to me. The solution isn’t to “ask them out anyway”, because they’ve not given the slightest hint they are remotely interested.

I literally haven’t dated for about a decade because of this.

Help me out here?

Split Decisions

DEAR SPLIT DECISIONS: Once again, this is one of those questions where I would have to be a documentarian (or very weird stalker) to be able to tell you what, specifically, you’re doing wrong. If indeed there is anything wrong; there very well may not be. In fact, what you’re seeing may not be what you think you’re seeing.

Something that I can’t emphasize enough is that none of us are objective observers of reality. All of us like to think that we’re keen-eyed and perceptive, able to read the room like a T-800 sizing up a situation or Neo looking past the surface and seeing the Matrix. But we’re not. What we see and, importantly, how we interpret it, is highly selective and subjective. Our eyes aren’t cameras, taking in everything around us, nor do our brains perceive things exactly as they appear. All of our senses – sight, sound, taste, touch, hell even things we don’t think of as senses like balance and proprioception are all subject to our brains deciding what is or isn’t actually there.

In fact, if you think about it, you’ve almost certainly had moments where your perception of the world around you has been distorted by how your brain processed those signals. Sleep paralysis is famous for causing auditory and visual hallucinations; LSD, MDMA and THC are well known for altering sensory perception; hell, even just a classic carnival fun-house trick of a spinning tunnel around a bridge or walkway can completely throw off your balance despite the fact that nothing is actually moving. And to be sure, it’s easy to brush those off. You hallucinate during sleep paralysis because your brain is still trying to come out of REM sleep. Chemicals affect how your brain functions and optical illusions are all well-known phenomena. Surely that doesn’t have anything to do with us perceiving reality in the raw, right?

Well, yes, it does. And don’t call me Shirley.

Your brain can cause you to perceive things incorrectly just because you expect something else. The McGurk Effect is one of the most famous examples of this – when the audio recording of a sound is paired with a video recording of a different sound, we “hear” a completely different third sound. The sound and the video both create an expectation, and our brains resolve that expectation by combining them in an entirely different way. It is literally our expectations – what we are primed and ready to perceive – that change what we “hear” when our brains process those signals.

Now, I bring this up not to say that you’re just hallucinating all of those rejections, but to drive home that just because you’re perceiving or experiencing something, that doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily perceiving it accurately. It’s to drive home that all of us – every human out there – is an imperfect and highly biased observer, and those biases play into what we see in the world around us. Your expectations are a filter and color how you interpret what you perceive – mechanically yes, but also what we think it all means. If we have some assumptions about how people feel about us, or even how we feel about ourselves, those assumptions will play out in what we experience. Not because that’s what’s actually happening, but because that’s how we’re interpreting that information based on what we expect. If you think that people don’t like you and are likely to reject you, you’re going to experience rejection far more often because that’s how you’re going to interpret those moments.

It’s the difference between when your best friend says he can’t hang out because he’s busy next week and when a stranger at the club turns down a date because she’s busy next week. In the former, you know your best friend and you know he’s not rejecting you, he’s legitimately busy. In the latter… well, maybe they’re rejecting you, maybe they honestly have a scheduling conflict but would like to see you. If you are going in assuming that people don’t find you attractive or are going to reject you, then you’re going to interpret what that hottie at the club says as rejection and respond accordingly. If you were to say “oh no worries, what does your weekend look like after that?” you might actually get that date. But if you assume that you’re pre-rejected, you’ll never get that far; you’ll just assume that it’s a “no” because what else could it be… even if she were using the same tone of voice and words as your best friend would.

And this is before we get to the fact that you’re also not perceiving everything around you. Not in the mechanical sense (though that is also true), but in that there is simply context and information that you’re not privy to. There are rooms that you’re just not in, conversations you’ve not overheard and relationships you don’t know exist. You don’t know, for example, that these women at salsa class don’t have pre-existing relationships with the guys they’re dancing with or what’s happening that they decide to move on to dance with someone else. You’re seeing a small fragment of the available information and making a call based primarily on what you think the obvious or most likely answer is.

You also don’t know the conversations that other folks at those classes – the ones who think you’re hot stuff and think everyone is crushing on you – are having. It’s entirely possible that part of why they think that there’re more people who dig you than you realize is because of what they’re seeing and conversations they’re having.

But just as importantly: their perceptions are affected by their expectations too. And they know and like you, so of course they’re going to see things in a more positive light.

Now at this point, I’m sure you’re wondering just where the f--k I’m going with all of this. “Sure Doc, that’s all fascinating in a ‘The edible kicked in and I fell down a wiki-hole for six hours’ kind of way but Saturday night is still the loneliest night of the week and this isn’t fixing that.” Well, hang on a little bit longer, I’m gonna bring this in for a landing in a second, I promise.

You see, the reason why I bring all of this up is that perception is malleable and based on expectations. What we expect to see is what we’re going to see. But not only does this mean that you can be wrong about what you’re seeing, this also  means that we can shape what people expect to see. In fact, we do this all the time, consciously and unconsciously, on a daily basis. 

Why do we get dressed up a particular way for a job interview vs. when we go to get groceries? Because we want people to perceive us a particular way and dressing up that way sets that expectation. Why do we talk one way with our friends and confidants and another with people in positions of authority – not just polite vs impolite, but the language we use, the tone of voice we take on and the way we express particular thoughts? Because we’re conveying a different image of ourselves to different people.

Setting expectations is one of the reasons why a first impression is important; a first impression forms the basis for what people think of us and thus change how they interpret what we say or do. If your first impression leaves someone thinking that you’re a sexed up lothario, they’re going to hear and see you through that filter. And if they’re expecting another horny bro who thinks that salsa classes are just a fancy sex ATM… well, the odds are good that they’re going to see that in you too.

Now, remember what I just said about how the way we talk to our friends vs. authorities? Well, that applies elsewhere too. Consider, for example, the folks at your salsa class who think you’re an awesome guy. You know, the ones you’re not necessarily attracted to. You are almost certainly talking to them and interacting with them differently than you are the women you think would be good potential partners. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re your more relaxed, authentic self with them because you’re not invested in a particular outcome. Instead of, say, trying to win them over or convince them to like you, you’re just able to vibe, get to know them and generally just be your natural fun self. Small wonder they think you’re a great guy; you’re behaving like a great, fearless guy when you’re around them.

Contrast that with how you’re behaving with the people who you’re more into. I’m willing to bet that you’re significantly different with them. You might be a little stiffer and more tense. You might be a bit more jittery with nervous energy and a fear of being cringe or screwing things up. Or you might have a tone that comes off a little more Joey Tribbiani “how you doin’?” than you intend. That ends up setting off someone’s Spidey-sense and – fairly or not – leads them to think that you’re a wannabe f--kboy. Especially if that’s their first interaction with you and not a friendship that you’ve built up over time.

OK so that’s a lot of ground we just covered, so let’s start bringing this all home to some practical applications. First and foremost: consider the first impression you’re making on people and what sort of filter you want them to see you through. You presumably want those women to see you through the same sort of filter that the non-potential partners have – the one where you’re a cool, confident, social guy. OK… so that means you want to set that tone with the other folks too. Treat the women you’re attracted to the same as you’re treating the ones you’re not – same energy, same way of talking, same overall behavior. Give them the reasons to see you the way your friends do by behaving the same way.

Now, another part of this is to change your filter – you want to change what youare expecting to see and what you’re expecting to experience. In this case, you want to go into these interactions – both with new friends, new dance partners and new potential dates – with the assumption that they already like you. Not that you’re Studly Goodnight, Master Seducer, but that everyone here already thinks you’re a pretty cool guy. It’s a very small mental shift, but it’s a profound one. When you’re coming into the conversation with the idea that people are already favorably inclined to you, you subconsciously change your behavior. You’re warmer, friendlier and more confident. Your body language becomes calmer and more open, the same as it would be with people you know and like. You move with more poise and ease, the way you do with friends. All of these subtle changes change how other people see you. You’re setting the tone with this first impression that tells people what to see when they look at you.

A third thing to do is to drop all expectations with these attractive, available and appropriate women. Don’t think of them as potential dates or in terms of “single” or not. Instead you have two goals: have a good time dancing with them and being curious about them as a person. What makes them tick? What makes them interesting? What is their story? And – critically – what makes them worth your time?

That last one is important. Part of the reason why guys with little social experience get incredibly tense and anxious when trying to meet people is that they often come in to the conversation with the idea that they need to impress the other person or justify their own attraction to them.

The problem with this outlook is pretty simple: you don’t know anything about this person. You know they’re physically attractive and that’s it. But physical attractiveness doesn’t make them a better person than you. It doesn’t make them more worthy than you. It certainly doesn’t mean that you need to win their approval in order to be in their presence. But when you think that way, you’re coming to the interaction with the expectation that you’re either in the negatives and have to fight to get to zero, never mind to positives, or that you have to be The Best Man Ever. And even if things do go well, you’re now in a position of never fully trusting the connection you have with them because you’ve spent so much time convincing yourself that they could do better. So you’re never fully secure in the relationship with them, always half-waiting for the Sword of Damocles to come crashing down at any moment.

So instead: try to figure out what they’ve got going on besides their looks. Find out if there’s enough “there” there to make you want to spend time with them, regardless of whether sex or romance are on the table or not. Have a good dance, have a good conversation and hey, maybe things line up for a date, maybe they don’t. Either way: you win because you had an awesome time and met a cool person.

But what about these women who like you but aren’t appropriate potential dates? These are your friends and your social proof. These are people who are saying that you’re a cool guy who’s great to dance with to all and sundry – and especially other women in the classes. They’re also potential wingwomen – people who can help you talk to other women, create opportunities to meet people and even brag a little on your behalf.  They’re the ones who are ready and willing to say “hey, maybe you should dance with Split Decision, he’s really good!” or to say “yeah, there’re some turbo creeps who show up occasionally, but then there’re the guys like Split Decision who’re really cool”.

They’re also give you some feedback. You’re not sure what’s happening that’s making these dance partners vanish to go interact with other people? Well hey, turns out you’ve got a bunch of folks who can watch or even surreptitiously listen in and give you their idea of what’s going on. Yeah, you have to take the inherent subjectivity of perception into account, but as a third party, outside observer, they’re in a place to pick up on things that you can’t see. They aren’t going to be lost in their heads, the way that we so often can be when talking to a pretty lady, and they’re seeing you from angles and perspectives that you simply can’t see, especially in the moment.

So, if there’s something you’re saying or doing that you aren’t aware of and it’s coming off a particular way, or you’re inadvertently giving horny shark vibes, your friends can say “well, you did X and I think that she didn’t like that.” Or “It looks like she just wasn’t in the mood for chitchat”. Or even “I don’t think you didn’t do anything wrong, near as I can tell”. Which seems less than helpful but it actually can be; as the sage says, “it’s possible to commit no errors and still lose.” Because hey, sometimes some folks just aren’t going to like you that way, no matter what anyone does and that’s OK. There’re folks who wouldn’t be into you if you looked like Glen Powell and were covered in nacho cheese. Not everybody has to and not everyone you’re attracted to is your last, best hope for love.

Now, I’m focusing a lot on the dance classes, but all of this applies to the rest of your life to – including all those times you’ve been sure that the women you’re talking to would rather do anything else. If that’s the attitude you have about yourself, then that’s what you’re going to get. A woman could strip down to her bra and panties and tell you to take her now in a manly fashion and you’d be pretty sure she’s just being sarcastic or trying to get the conversation over with.

So much of the change is going to have to come from within and how you see yourself. Until that changes, you’re still going to see things in the most negative light possible and respond accordingly, while also encouraging others to respond that way as well.

Remember all those people who think you’re awesome? Well, you may want to ask yourself: why don’t their opinions count? What makes them so uniquely positive when clearly they’re an outlier? Just between you and me and the wall… it really is coming down to “because I’m not into them”. And that’s not actually a great reason to dismiss them. If anything, I’d argue that because they can see you at your most natural and most assured, they’re seeing the real you, the best and most authentic you. So maybe that is the guy you need to be bringing to the party when you’re out meeting people. Because that person is unquestionably there. You just have to let him take the wheel. Even when the person in front of you’s got a butt to make the Buddha cry.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com