DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve read some of your previous blogs and can relate to the men who say that they have a lot going for them and are considered by their friends and family to be “attractive”, both in terms of their physical appearance and their personality. I don’t want to go into the details too much, but I myself would like to believe that I’m a good man with positive attributes, and I too have experienced A LOT of positive feedback from others to the point where they are genuinely shocked that I am single. However, my reality is that despite my so-called strengths, I’ve not had anything to show for it in terms of romance. So, I’m trying to answer a question, which is…what am I doing that is so off-putting to women in my age range?

Case in point – I go to a lot of local events with live music, as well as do salsa classes. These are passions of mine, and I’m a good dancer. It just so happens that, naturally, these events happen to draw in women. I’ve befriended some of these women, but almost all of them have partners and / or are too young / too old for me to be dating. That’s okay! I like having women as friends!

Yet, whereas these female friends of mine think highly of me, trust me completely, and believe that I have every girl crushing on me, on the other side of the coin is the reactions (or lack thereof) that I get from women that, in theory, would be more suitable as a love interest.

For example, I went to a social event about two months, and as part of the class we were required to rotate with different partners. I observed that, with the older crowd, I could have a quick conversation and a good laugh with them, and you could tell they enjoyed doing the class with me because they would later come up and ask for a dance. The women in their twenties or early thirties? A total lack of eye contact, barely saying a word, some of them out-right blanking me when I did try to talk to them, and one who actually skipped ahead to dance with another lead. I know it’s specifically a “me” problem, because I then go on to observe them happily dancing with and chatting to other men.

This has been consistent throughout my life – at college, at university, and now as an adult, the women belonging to the demographic most suited for me to date are the ones that either treat me like a ghost, or look as if they would rather be doing anything else other than talking to me. The solution isn’t to “ask them out anyway”, because they’ve not given the slightest hint they are remotely interested.

I literally haven’t dated for about a decade because of this.

Help me out here?

Split Decisions

DEAR SPLIT DECISIONS: Once again, this is one of those questions where I would have to be a documentarian (or very weird stalker) to be able to tell you what, specifically, you’re doing wrong. If indeed there is anything wrong; there very well may not be. In fact, what you’re seeing may not be what you think you’re seeing.

Something that I can’t emphasize enough is that none of us are objective observers of reality. All of us like to think that we’re keen-eyed and perceptive, able to read the room like a T-800 sizing up a situation or Neo looking past the surface and seeing the Matrix. But we’re not. What we see and, importantly, how we interpret it, is highly selective and subjective. Our eyes aren’t cameras, taking in everything around us, nor do our brains perceive things exactly as they appear. All of our senses – sight, sound, taste, touch, hell even things we don’t think of as senses like balance and proprioception are all subject to our brains deciding what is or isn’t actually there.

In fact, if you think about it, you’ve almost certainly had moments where your perception of the world around you has been distorted by how your brain processed those signals. Sleep paralysis is famous for causing auditory and visual hallucinations; LSD, MDMA and THC are well known for altering sensory perception; hell, even just a classic carnival fun-house trick of a spinning tunnel around a bridge or walkway can completely throw off your balance despite the fact that nothing is actually moving. And to be sure, it’s easy to brush those off. You hallucinate during sleep paralysis because your brain is still trying to come out of REM sleep. Chemicals affect how your brain functions and optical illusions are all well-known phenomena. Surely that doesn’t have anything to do with us perceiving reality in the raw, right?

Well, yes, it does. And don’t call me Shirley.

Your brain can cause you to perceive things incorrectly just because you expect something else. The McGurk Effect is one of the most famous examples of this – when the audio recording of a sound is paired with a video recording of a different sound, we “hear” a completely different third sound. The sound and the video both create an expectation, and our brains resolve that expectation by combining them in an entirely different way. It is literally our expectations – what we are primed and ready to perceive – that change what we “hear” when our brains process those signals.

Now, I bring this up not to say that you’re just hallucinating all of those rejections, but to drive home that just because you’re perceiving or experiencing something, that doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily perceiving it accurately. It’s to drive home that all of us – every human out there – is an imperfect and highly biased observer, and those biases play into what we see in the world around us. Your expectations are a filter and color how you interpret what you perceive – mechanically yes, but also what we think it all means. If we have some assumptions about how people feel about us, or even how we feel about ourselves, those assumptions will play out in what we experience. Not because that’s what’s actually happening, but because that’s how we’re interpreting that information based on what we expect. If you think that people don’t like you and are likely to reject you, you’re going to experience rejection far more often because that’s how you’re going to interpret those moments.

It’s the difference between when your best friend says he can’t hang out because he’s busy next week and when a stranger at the club turns down a date because she’s busy next week. In the former, you know your best friend and you know he’s not rejecting you, he’s legitimately busy. In the latter… well, maybe they’re rejecting you, maybe they honestly have a scheduling conflict but would like to see you. If you are going in assuming that people don’t find you attractive or are going to reject you, then you’re going to interpret what that hottie at the club says as rejection and respond accordingly. If you were to say “oh no worries, what does your weekend look like after that?” you might actually get that date. But if you assume that you’re pre-rejected, you’ll never get that far; you’ll just assume that it’s a “no” because what else could it be… even if she were using the same tone of voice and words as your best friend would.

And this is before we get to the fact that you’re also not perceiving everything around you. Not in the mechanical sense (though that is also true), but in that there is simply context and information that you’re not privy to. There are rooms that you’re just not in, conversations you’ve not overheard and relationships you don’t know exist. You don’t know, for example, that these women at salsa class don’t have pre-existing relationships with the guys they’re dancing with or what’s happening that they decide to move on to dance with someone else. You’re seeing a small fragment of the available information and making a call based primarily on what you think the obvious or most likely answer is.

You also don’t know the conversations that other folks at those classes – the ones who think you’re hot stuff and think everyone is crushing on you – are having. It’s entirely possible that part of why they think that there’re more people who dig you than you realize is because of what they’re seeing and conversations they’re having.

But just as importantly: their perceptions are affected by their expectations too. And they know and like you, so of course they’re going to see things in a more positive light.

Now at this point, I’m sure you’re wondering just where the f--k I’m going with all of this. “Sure Doc, that’s all fascinating in a ‘The edible kicked in and I fell down a wiki-hole for six hours’ kind of way but Saturday night is still the loneliest night of the week and this isn’t fixing that.” Well, hang on a little bit longer, I’m gonna bring this in for a landing in a second, I promise.

You see, the reason why I bring all of this up is that perception is malleable and based on expectations. What we expect to see is what we’re going to see. But not only does this mean that you can be wrong about what you’re seeing, this also  means that we can shape what people expect to see. In fact, we do this all the time, consciously and unconsciously, on a daily basis. 

Why do we get dressed up a particular way for a job interview vs. when we go to get groceries? Because we want people to perceive us a particular way and dressing up that way sets that expectation. Why do we talk one way with our friends and confidants and another with people in positions of authority – not just polite vs impolite, but the language we use, the tone of voice we take on and the way we express particular thoughts? Because we’re conveying a different image of ourselves to different people.

Setting expectations is one of the reasons why a first impression is important; a first impression forms the basis for what people think of us and thus change how they interpret what we say or do. If your first impression leaves someone thinking that you’re a sexed up lothario, they’re going to hear and see you through that filter. And if they’re expecting another horny bro who thinks that salsa classes are just a fancy sex ATM… well, the odds are good that they’re going to see that in you too.

Now, remember what I just said about how the way we talk to our friends vs. authorities? Well, that applies elsewhere too. Consider, for example, the folks at your salsa class who think you’re an awesome guy. You know, the ones you’re not necessarily attracted to. You are almost certainly talking to them and interacting with them differently than you are the women you think would be good potential partners. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re your more relaxed, authentic self with them because you’re not invested in a particular outcome. Instead of, say, trying to win them over or convince them to like you, you’re just able to vibe, get to know them and generally just be your natural fun self. Small wonder they think you’re a great guy; you’re behaving like a great, fearless guy when you’re around them.

Contrast that with how you’re behaving with the people who you’re more into. I’m willing to bet that you’re significantly different with them. You might be a little stiffer and more tense. You might be a bit more jittery with nervous energy and a fear of being cringe or screwing things up. Or you might have a tone that comes off a little more Joey Tribbiani “how you doin’?” than you intend. That ends up setting off someone’s Spidey-sense and – fairly or not – leads them to think that you’re a wannabe f--kboy. Especially if that’s their first interaction with you and not a friendship that you’ve built up over time.

OK so that’s a lot of ground we just covered, so let’s start bringing this all home to some practical applications. First and foremost: consider the first impression you’re making on people and what sort of filter you want them to see you through. You presumably want those women to see you through the same sort of filter that the non-potential partners have – the one where you’re a cool, confident, social guy. OK… so that means you want to set that tone with the other folks too. Treat the women you’re attracted to the same as you’re treating the ones you’re not – same energy, same way of talking, same overall behavior. Give them the reasons to see you the way your friends do by behaving the same way.

Now, another part of this is to change your filter – you want to change what youare expecting to see and what you’re expecting to experience. In this case, you want to go into these interactions – both with new friends, new dance partners and new potential dates – with the assumption that they already like you. Not that you’re Studly Goodnight, Master Seducer, but that everyone here already thinks you’re a pretty cool guy. It’s a very small mental shift, but it’s a profound one. When you’re coming into the conversation with the idea that people are already favorably inclined to you, you subconsciously change your behavior. You’re warmer, friendlier and more confident. Your body language becomes calmer and more open, the same as it would be with people you know and like. You move with more poise and ease, the way you do with friends. All of these subtle changes change how other people see you. You’re setting the tone with this first impression that tells people what to see when they look at you.

A third thing to do is to drop all expectations with these attractive, available and appropriate women. Don’t think of them as potential dates or in terms of “single” or not. Instead you have two goals: have a good time dancing with them and being curious about them as a person. What makes them tick? What makes them interesting? What is their story? And – critically – what makes them worth your time?

That last one is important. Part of the reason why guys with little social experience get incredibly tense and anxious when trying to meet people is that they often come in to the conversation with the idea that they need to impress the other person or justify their own attraction to them.

The problem with this outlook is pretty simple: you don’t know anything about this person. You know they’re physically attractive and that’s it. But physical attractiveness doesn’t make them a better person than you. It doesn’t make them more worthy than you. It certainly doesn’t mean that you need to win their approval in order to be in their presence. But when you think that way, you’re coming to the interaction with the expectation that you’re either in the negatives and have to fight to get to zero, never mind to positives, or that you have to be The Best Man Ever. And even if things do go well, you’re now in a position of never fully trusting the connection you have with them because you’ve spent so much time convincing yourself that they could do better. So you’re never fully secure in the relationship with them, always half-waiting for the Sword of Damocles to come crashing down at any moment.

So instead: try to figure out what they’ve got going on besides their looks. Find out if there’s enough “there” there to make you want to spend time with them, regardless of whether sex or romance are on the table or not. Have a good dance, have a good conversation and hey, maybe things line up for a date, maybe they don’t. Either way: you win because you had an awesome time and met a cool person.

But what about these women who like you but aren’t appropriate potential dates? These are your friends and your social proof. These are people who are saying that you’re a cool guy who’s great to dance with to all and sundry – and especially other women in the classes. They’re also potential wingwomen – people who can help you talk to other women, create opportunities to meet people and even brag a little on your behalf.  They’re the ones who are ready and willing to say “hey, maybe you should dance with Split Decision, he’s really good!” or to say “yeah, there’re some turbo creeps who show up occasionally, but then there’re the guys like Split Decision who’re really cool”.

They’re also give you some feedback. You’re not sure what’s happening that’s making these dance partners vanish to go interact with other people? Well hey, turns out you’ve got a bunch of folks who can watch or even surreptitiously listen in and give you their idea of what’s going on. Yeah, you have to take the inherent subjectivity of perception into account, but as a third party, outside observer, they’re in a place to pick up on things that you can’t see. They aren’t going to be lost in their heads, the way that we so often can be when talking to a pretty lady, and they’re seeing you from angles and perspectives that you simply can’t see, especially in the moment.

So, if there’s something you’re saying or doing that you aren’t aware of and it’s coming off a particular way, or you’re inadvertently giving horny shark vibes, your friends can say “well, you did X and I think that she didn’t like that.” Or “It looks like she just wasn’t in the mood for chitchat”. Or even “I don’t think you didn’t do anything wrong, near as I can tell”. Which seems less than helpful but it actually can be; as the sage says, “it’s possible to commit no errors and still lose.” Because hey, sometimes some folks just aren’t going to like you that way, no matter what anyone does and that’s OK. There’re folks who wouldn’t be into you if you looked like Glen Powell and were covered in nacho cheese. Not everybody has to and not everyone you’re attracted to is your last, best hope for love.

Now, I’m focusing a lot on the dance classes, but all of this applies to the rest of your life to – including all those times you’ve been sure that the women you’re talking to would rather do anything else. If that’s the attitude you have about yourself, then that’s what you’re going to get. A woman could strip down to her bra and panties and tell you to take her now in a manly fashion and you’d be pretty sure she’s just being sarcastic or trying to get the conversation over with.

So much of the change is going to have to come from within and how you see yourself. Until that changes, you’re still going to see things in the most negative light possible and respond accordingly, while also encouraging others to respond that way as well.

Remember all those people who think you’re awesome? Well, you may want to ask yourself: why don’t their opinions count? What makes them so uniquely positive when clearly they’re an outlier? Just between you and me and the wall… it really is coming down to “because I’m not into them”. And that’s not actually a great reason to dismiss them. If anything, I’d argue that because they can see you at your most natural and most assured, they’re seeing the real you, the best and most authentic you. So maybe that is the guy you need to be bringing to the party when you’re out meeting people. Because that person is unquestionably there. You just have to let him take the wheel. Even when the person in front of you’s got a butt to make the Buddha cry.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 31 year old male. Where I live sex work is legal and very regulated. I have no interest in romance, but I have a strong sex drive.

Usually I go to a sex worker about once a month. I usually have sex with a condom, but I have a strong fetish to have sex without a condom, even though it’s stupid and risky. I usually get tested regularly for STDs since I sleep with so many different woman. I have slept with four woman so far without a condom, and I got myself tested for STDs afterward. (This time included) The first three times I went to a brothel that offered sex without condom.

Since I know it’s risky I usually go to a brothel that forbids sex without condom, so that even if I ask against my better judgment, the lady simply tells me “No”. Sex without condom is legal in my country but forbidden in certain brothels. Sometimes I still ask, because my desires get the better of me and get told a firm “No” by the Lady and that’s that. Another important bit of info: I have a hard time orgasming with a condom on. Without I usually orgasm within 5 to 10 minutes, with condom I can f--k two hours straight without having an orgasm.

This time I asked the lady I was seeing for sex without condom, and received a disapproving grunt instead of a no. I know, No means No! Even if it’s just a grunt. But horny asshole that I was I asked again, and received another disapproving grunt, at first I left it at that.

After about 1 hour into Sex (I booked two hours), she complained a bit about me not orgasming, and I told her that I orgasm much faster without condom and asked again.

She said okay for another 50 bucks. Stupid Idiot that I was, I took that offer, and yes I realize this was coercion on my part. Money based coercion but coercion none the less. I have no excuse for this.

So we continued to sleep with each other, and I pulled out as she requested, when I came. Then I offered her a massage for the remainder of the time, and massaged her for a bit, to thank her.

What I did not expect was that during the massage, she flipped me over, pushed me down and f--ked me, when I thought the sex part was already over. Side note: Instead of the usual cold professional sex worker demeanor she seemed very enthusiastic and into sex with me. Maybe she enjoyed it, maybe she was just an very good actress, it for sure looked genuine to me.

I orgasmed inside her. I noticed, but was too horny too care. Until post nut clarity set in about 30 seconds later. So I told her and apologize. She went to the shower to wash it out.

I left her a big tip, talked about her about getting herself the morning after pill, and gave her some extra money for that.

I am usually a very disciplined person, so I feel guilty and very angry about myself. I hate having less control about myself while horny. What I did there was coercion and there is simply no excuse, even if she seemed happy and at worst mildly annoyed for a moment about me orgasming inside her. She even squeezed my ass on the way out and gave me goodbye kiss.

Usually I don’t beat myself up about failing to control myself. If I eat unhealthy twice a week instead of once a week, like I plan nobody but myself bears the consequences. But what I did there was incredibly s--tty behavior, and that’s with me usually meeting a sex worker with the firm intent of not even asking for sex without condom.

I do not want children. I know myself, and with all my baggage and problems that I am working on, I would be a terrible father. While I can only pray that she takes the morning after pill, I think it is likely that she does.

I have absolutely no excuse for failing to control myself. At the very least, I now booked an appointment for a vasectomy, so my s--tty desires don’t force a child into this world .

I considered that before, but I was always afraid of side effects, but now if it makes my junk rot off, so f--king be it.

I have also made a vow with myself to never visit that particular sex worker again, my chemistry with her is simply far too good. (Which is not her fault, the fault lies entirely within me.)

I feel still incredibly f--king guilty about failing to control myself and coercing that sex worker. While I am far too cowardly too end my own life, if someone were put me before a firing squad because of my transgression, I would not resent them.

I feel like Dr. Jekyll now in control again after Mr. Hyde did something really terrible. I mean really? Is this the start of me jumping off the slippery slope? How long till I rationalize myself raping woman as a “just following my desires” or some bulls--t like that?

If there were a pill that would permanently kill off my sex drive I would instantly take it, that would save me a lot of trouble.

I have introperspective but that’s utterly worthless if I can’t control my own desires, instead of them controlling me.

I am honestly disgusted with myself, I compromised my own ethics for just a few minutes of pleasure.

I would vow to never have sex again, but I know that is a vow I will not keep. If I suppress my own desires instead of trying to work with them, and guiding them into positive ethical outlets, I know they will sooner or later control me.

Side note: Finding a woman, who will have consenting bareback sex with me who isn’t a sex worker sadly isn’t an option for me yet as I am crap at picking up woman. Yes I know that is changeable, and I am working on it, but I am nowhere near getting laid for free in the near future.

How do I get better at controlling myself while horny? S--t like this should simply not allowed to happen again!

Sincerely,

Not Enough Discipline

DEAR NOT ENOUGH DISCIPLINE: Hoo boy. It’s not often that I start RIGHT off with the Chair Leg of Truth, but this demands it. ��“I am usually a very disciplined person” you say. But are you? Are you really? I’m going to have to post a [Citation Needed] on that chief, because damned if the rest of your letter says that no, no you are not. ��This is one of those times when I’m honestly still unsure where to start, because there is a lot to unpack here.  But rather than throwing the out the baggage and starting fresh,  let’s instead start with the TL:DR of the column:  JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST, STOP BAREBACKING WITH SEX WORKERS, WHAT THE ACTUAL F--K??

This isn’t safe for you and it’s not safe for the sex workers either. It’s not as though they’re LESS at risk from something being transmitted from you just because they’re letting you go raw. It seems like from your letter that you’re more worried that you got that one escort pregnant than the possibility that you might be the vector for getting someone else infected. As a sex worker – and one who apparently is willing to make some very questionable choices – she may be willing to accept being at higher risk for an STI than most, but that doesn’t mean it’s cool if you give her one.

I truly hope that you don’t want that, and understand the seriousness of what it could mean. Even in an era with pre-exposure prophylactic meds, you’re taking on serious risks for yourself and your partners – whether they’re paid or not. Even if the sex workers are on PReP, that doesn’t mean they’re protected against chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, or other diseases, and drug-resistant STIs are already in the mix.

(I also have a whole lot of thoughts – mostly involving vigorous creative swearing – about the brothels that let the customers go bareback but that’s neither here nor there.)

I’m glad you’re getting STI tested on the regular because of this �– and people who are having sex with multiple different partners should be doing that – but this is actually not helping.

First and foremost, I can almost guarantee that they’re not testing for a number of infections. Most standard STI screenings for men don’t test for herpes or HPV unless you have visible symptoms. Since people can have herpes for years without symptoms, the odds that you can carry the virus and not know it are very, very high.

Second: if you’re testing immediately afterwards, it’s entirely possible that you could get a false negative. The bigger issue, however, isn’t the immediate part. It’s the after. The fact that you’re testing after these encounters.  which sounds a lot more like it’s there to reassure yourself that your bad decision isn’t going to result in dire consequences. 

This is the inadvertent drawback of frequent testing, especially the way you’re doing it: it can almost start feeling like a preventative, and it is not. It’s good for managing levels of risk, it’s good for maintaining your own health and that of your partners… but it’s not going to prevent STIs from spreading in and of itself. Hell, even in the US porn industry, where testing isn’t just mandatory but held to a more rigorous standard than for most, there have still been outbreaks of various STIs, from herpes to HIV, that’ve shut down the industry for weeks or months at a time. 

To be perfectly blunt, I’d be more worried that the fact that you’ve been lucky and tested negative afterwards (assuming that it’s not a false negative) is more likely to reinforce your desire to bareback with folks. After all, you’ve dodged those bullets so far, so it wasn’t that bad. For all your talking about how “if my junk rots off, so be it”, popping positive, even if it were something easily treated, might at least be enough to put the fear of God (or consequences) into you. 

And honestly it sounds like you need that moment of “Oh f--k, what now?”  because you keep making the choice to try to go raw. You say you try to ensure that  you go to brothels that require condoms, but you’re still pushing for going raw. That is a choice that you’re making. Everything else – how long it takes you to reach orgasm while wearing condoms, how hard it is for you to find a sex partner that you aren’t paying for – those are just excuses. It’s not that you’re powerless before those desires; you’re actively making this decision, repeatedly, because you’re in a position where you have to affirmatively request condom free sex multiple times. One of the ways that people learn to resist cravings or break habits is to put steps between themselves and the fulfillment of that desire; the more steps you have, the more times you have a moment to say “nah”.  You aren’t doing that.  There were multiple times when you could have stopped and said “actually wait, I shouldn’t do this,” and yet you continued.

If you really do have issues reaching orgasm with a condom – and that is a thing for folks, it’s not just a complaint from folks who don’t want to wear one – then there’s a lot you could do about it. You might try using thinner condoms or using non-latex options; polyurethane or polyisoprene condoms conduct body heat more effectively than latex ones and have a different overall texture against the skin. Your partner could use an internal condom (sometimes called a ‘female’ condom) that’s put inside the vagina or anus, rather than over a penis, which would offer the same protection while you’re going in uncovered. You could add a tiny bit of lube at the tip to change the sensation and friction within the condom, or even train yourself by masturbating with condoms on and getting your body used to the feeling.

Instead, you’re choosing to ask for condom-free sex, even in places where it’s explicitly forbidden, and going for it, before doing your “oh no, what have I done” dance afterwards.

But to be blunt, I think the self-flagellation is part of the process. You get horny, you get off, you get post nut clarity, you smack yourself around because it makes you feel bad that you let yourself do this again, and then you go do it all over again later. After a certain point, it’s not just about raw-dogging it anymore. Especially since there’re a lot of options for you to get off that don’t involve putting an uncovered tab A into slot B. If you can’t get there while wearing a condom for penetrative sex, there are options for safe sex and orgasms that wouldn’t require a barrier method for protection. You could get close, take the condom off and then get a hand job to completion. She could use her breasts or feet to wank you off, you could stick your penis between her thighs so that you could thrust and feel like you’re having penetrative sex… there are ways to get your nut without endangering yourself or other people.

Just as importantly: I’m not impressed with your performative contrition and disappointment in yourself. No, I don’t believe that you honestly think death is the appropriate option for dipping it raw. No, I don’t think you’d take some pill that would crater your sex drive. This is just self-flagellation, the same sort of beating yourself up that comes with refusing to engage with and own your desires instead of trying to repress them. All that this “oh, I am so awful, I am so low, oh I am just above becoming a beast, won’t someone rid me of these meddlesome cravings” routine does is emphasize your supposed ‘powerlessness’ over your desire instead of recognizing that you’re choosing to indulge them because you think it’s a good idea at the time.

Do I think that you’re at risk for becoming some Mr. Jekyll, some sexual Incredible Hulk who takes out his desires by leaping out of the bushes and ravaging unsuspecting women? No, partially because rape isn’t a crime of sex, but also because this isn’t how these sorts of situations escalate. I’d be far more worried that you would turn that feeling elsewhere. This is a tale as old as time and one that comes up repeatedly when someone – usually a straight cis man – sticks his dick in another person that society (or the church or his politics or what-have-you) tells him he shouldn’t. And, spoiler alert, this never ends well, because that performative self-loathing very rarely stays turned inward.

There are far too many cases where that clarity and regret after someone gets their rocks off ends up going from “Oh I should never have done this” to “how dare this person make me do this”. And as many sex-workers –especially trans and queer sex workers – can tell you, there’re few places more dangerous than to be in a room with a straight dude with some post-orgasm regret.

So what do you need to do here? Well, I’m going to be blunt: you need to take real responsibility for your actions. Your letter is full of moments where you are passing the buck and pretending that you’re powerless, where you’re miserable and sad that you did this to yourself, but you keep stepping past the point where it was a choice. It’s not that your chemistry with that one sex worker was “just too good”, it’s that you keep making the affirmative decision to ask to go raw and then do so if and when they let you. These are decisions you are making and while they may be ones that you’re making when your defenses are low and your willpower is tapped out, you’re the one who keeps putting yourself into those situations.

So no, no amount of “oh I am a worm, I am scum, I should be executed for what I’ve done” is going to be the same as taking responsibility. It’s just a performance. Nor do I find the whole “how long before I become a raping monster” thing terribly convincing. That’s not how these sorts of situations play out, but it’s a great way to make this all about you “being out of control” rather than it being about the choices you’re making. It’s a pity-play to shows how “upset” you are as a bid for reassurance from others.

You want to prove that this bothers you? OK cool… quit doing it. I don’t believe in sex “addiction” – it’s not actually a thing – but a lot of people do, and there’s an entire industry of sex “addiction” recovery programs out there.  You could easily start looking for treatment if you thought it would make a difference. You could even look for treatment that might actually work by going to a therapist to talk about why you keep doing this. But all of this moaning and groaning isn’t responsibility. It’s just noise. Responsibility is action.

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you really are powerless before your desire to go raw. OK, well, as folks who’ve gone through recovery could tell you, part of the process is to recognize your triggers and to avoid them. You could have an accountability buddy, a la a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous, who you can reach out to when you’re feeling weak, who can give you a reality check about what you’re doing. They could provide the outside voice of judgement to pull you up short, since your inside voice ain’t doing the job. You could also, y’know, stop going to brothels if you can’t stop yourself from all the unsafe behavior.  

But how else could you get your apparently all-encompassing need to nut freely without seeing sex workers? Well, there’s always your good friend, the sex toy. Get a series of penis sleeves, some lube and go to town on ‘em. Tenga and Fleshlight are two of the top brands, with a wide array of options for different types and levels of sensation.

Another thing I want to point out: you say that finding someone who would let you go without protection that you’re not paying is impossible. Well not to belabor the obvious but: yeah, it’s gonna be pretty f--king hard for you. Because if you want to actually have unprotected sex – being ‘fluid bonded’ with your partner, as some folks call it – you’re going to need a period of developing mutual trust and intimacy and condom use, you both get tested and commit to being strictly monogamous if you want to do it safely. And in your case it would have to be strict monogamy because you’ve already demonstrated that you can’t be trusted if you were allowed some form of non-monogamy.

That’s going to be a much bigger barrier than any skill issue. Skills can be learned. But if what you want is unprotected sex without the worry of catching an STI or getting someone pregnant? Strict mutual monogamy is going to have to be the way to go… and quite frankly I don’t think you’re in a place where you can manage that.

So far, you’ve been lucky, but luck always runs out. And considering that this isn’t something that will only affect you, and the consequences might show up years down the line? Your willing to roll the dice like this is especially s--tty.

Stop externalizing your sex drive like it’s a monster. Stop telling yourself that you’re powerless over this, and then not taking steps to deal with it. Certainly not when you keep putting yourself in temptations path and speeding right past every opportunity you have to stop and think about what you’re doing. Quit it with the performance of how awful it makes you feel or how much you beat yourself up and actually take meaningful action if you want things to change. Beating yourself up isn’t going to change things. Accepting that you’re the one making these choices and that you can make different choices – including well before you ever look up the address of another brothel – is how you change. If you can’t control yourself in the face of temptation, then it’s time to stop putting yourself in the position where you’re going to be tempted.

The choice is yours.  

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a late-20s male who feels like he’s being left behind by his peers. I had always hoped to marry early and have a big family but it seems like that isn’t going to happen for me at this point, and all my friends are now pairing off and having kids.

Ever since I was younger I figured that I must be doing wrong to not be finding a partner when it seems so effortless for everyone else. To that end I focused hard on self-improvement. On paper it would seem that I’m in a great place to succeed:

– I have a 6-figure salary, good career prospects, and own my own house

– I have multiple friend circles and a fairly active social life

– I have multiple engaging hobbies which I find fulfilling and others find interesting

– I’m average looking, but dress well and exercise daily so am in decent shape

Nevertheless, I have no success at all on dating apps (maybe half a dozen dates in 10 years of use) and don’t seem to have any opportunities to naturally meet women through channels such as work. Nor do any of my friends apparently have anyone to whom I could be introduced.

Now that my friends have started to marry and have children, I fear that I’ll spend even less time with others and that they are achieving my dreams while I languish away alone. People say it’s not about comparing oneself to others, but it was always my dream to find someone and have children, so I feel like a failure even against my own standards.

It seems to me that I have tried everything and come so far, but that it has made no difference. I’m no closer to achieving my goals than I was when I started, except all of that time was wasted.

At this point I’m out of ideas. I’m not really interested in picking up more hobbies since I don’t have time or the interest, I dislike the career risk involved with trying to date colleagues, and my social connections to women have been exhausted. It feels like there must be something wrong or broken about me since I just can’t do what everyone else gets for free by virtue of just being around.

How can there be any hope left for me? What fields are left for me to till? Has all the work I have put in been for nothing?

Signed,

Ozymandias

DEAR OZYMANDIAS: Alright my guy, I’m going to give it to you straight: your biggest issue here is that you’re making this hard on yourself for no real reason. A lot of what you’re dealing with is in your head and artificially restricting yourself for unnecessary reasons.

Part of the problem is that you’re basing goals on things that require other people’s active participation, which means that you’ve added a layer of difficulty. Wanting to get married early, for example, requires meeting people who also want to get married early. Same with having a big family; that’s a takes-two-to-tango situation, which means you’re now having to filter for people who are also have the same goals. So first you have to find the people who have those same ambitions and then sort for things like mutual attraction, compatibility, etc. Those extra steps are going to slow things down, especially if you’re going to be firm on the ultimate goal of marrying young.

Demographically, you’re working at a disadvantage. More and more people are waiting to marry until later in life. In 1980, 66% of young adults were married by the age of 25, with approximately 33% having gotten married by 21. By 2020, less than 7% of people were married by 21 and 22% were married by 25. Now the average age for getting married for the first time is 30 for men and 28 for women, when they’re getting married at all.

Now that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who aren’t interested in marrying young and having larger families… but you’re not going to find many of them on dating apps. The people who are most likely to fit the life path you have/had in mind are more likely to be conservative and religious, so you’d do better to be going to church than spending Sundays on Hinge and Bumble. And to be quite frank, even then you’re going to be dealing with a smaller pool. I know folks in those communities who have a hard time finding women in their early 20s who want to settle down and kick out a bunch of kids. Almost all of them had to adjust their expectations and look to marrying women who were in their later 20s.

Now, personally, I think it might be worth examining precisely why marrying early is important to you. What is it that makes this so important to you that would make marrying in a little later in life less desirable? I’m not saying it’s wrong or a bad idea (though to be honest, it’s not a choice I would make), don’t get me wrong. However, if you’re going to set yourself a time limit like that, you’re going to have to make concessions somewhere in that mix to get there. Nobody gets 100% of what they want in a relationship because no one person can be our 100% match. You have to decide what parts are vital and what you can live without as the cost of entry to the rest.

The next thing I would point out is that your friends getting into relationships or getting married has nothing to do with you. Their success doesn’t take anything away from you, nor does it signal anything about you. The only way their success would be in any way comparable would be if you were living their exact same lives, doing the exact same things they were at the exact same time and not getting the same results. But you’re not. You’re you and they’re them. They have different experiences, different advantages and disadvantages. They spend their days doing different things than you. That’s going to give different results.

Their romantic journey is entirely separate from yours and, quite frankly, you’re only privy to some of their experiences. You see a very limited slice of what they’ve done, what they’ve gone through and how hard they’ve worked. A lot of what seems effortless to the outsider is almost always the sum of a s--tload of work that the outsider never saw and was unaware of. It’s a lot like bands that come out of nowhere to become overnight sensations; what you didn’t see were the years and decades of practice, toil and effort that it took to get there. They’re not getting anything “for free” by virtue of “just being around”. Unless you’re going to tell me that they quite literally just sit there doing absolutely nothing ever and a girlfriend fell into their laps that required no action on their part (up to and including introducing themselves), there is a lot of activity that you’re not seeing. It just looks like that to you because you’re not getting the 24/7 continuous feed of their lives and the inside of their heads.

Comparing yourself to them is a rube’s game; all you’re doing is looking at your unedited footage and wondering why it doesn’t look as amazing as their highlight reels. All this does is make you feel bad about yourself. It’s distracting at best and demoralizing at worst, just another way to punch yourself in the dick for not achieving a goal that wasn’t going to be easy to achieve in the first place.

I would also point out that some of what you list as proof that you’re set up for success aren’t as helpful as you’d think. It’s great that you have a high-paying job and own your own house, especially in this economy, don’t get me wrong… but how are your prospective dates supposed to know that and why should they care? It’s not as though you’re walking around with your bank account and credit score hovering over your head after all. It’s a little like guys who make a big deal about having six-pack abs; unless you’re constantly wearing uber-tight shirts at all times or showing them off at the drop of a hat, most people aren’t going to know that you have them, and it’s not going to be the major deciding factor for the people who do know.

Having lots of money is nice, but it’s not inherently attractive, except to people who are attracted to money. Financial security is more desirable because life is chaos and we’re all just two bad weeks away from disaster… but most women aren’t looking for Uncle Moneybags or sugar daddies. They’re just looking for folks who’ve got their s--t together and who aren’t going to drag them under or leech off them like the stereotypical dirtbag boyfriend who’s always borrowing money and has no ambition. Most women would prefer to be able to pay their share, rather than be taken care of.

(There’s also the fact that a lot of high-paying jobs come with demanding hours, high levels of stress and little time to actually enjoy life, so it’s not always the draw dudes think it is. Especially once kids are in the mix.)

It also sounds like the two ways you’ve been trying to meet women are ones that require minimal effort on your part, which is likely part of the problem. Being successful on dating apps isn’t really a measure of one’s attractiveness or desirability, it’s just a measure of how good you are at making dating profiles. Likewise, I could rant for hours (and I have) about how dating apps have changed and how monetization gets in the way of the stated goals of the apps, but that’s not necessarily going to help here. The important part is that it’s not working for you right now, which means it’s time to do things differently. And in this case, doing things differently means that you’re going to have to invest time and effort in ways that you haven’t been before.

Now part of the problem is that you’ve already written things off and refuse to consider them. Well… it’s time to reconsider. If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. What you’re doing right now isn’t working, so either you can keep trying harder and hope for a miracle, or you can shift gears and make some changes. That means that you’re going to have to decide where you can be more flexible – either in terms of what you’re looking for or where you’re looking for it. You might not be interested in more hobbies or more activities, but which is a higher priority for you right now: meeting someone and potentially finding a partner, or maintaining your current status quo. The same goes for time; everything in life has an opportunity cost and that cost is time. If you want to add something to your life, it’s going to come at the expense of something else. You have to decide what’s going to be more important and what you’ll give up in order to pay that opportunity cost. Sorry, but that’s just life in linear time. Unless you’ve got a flux capacitor or a big blue box, you’re pretty much stuck in the same boat as everyone else,  living in a linear progression of cause and effect.

I’m not going to go into your reasoning for some of it because I’m not here to tell you that you’re wrong about the supposed risks of dating at work or whatever. I will say, however, that one of the most underestimated factors in finding a relationship is propinquity – the tendency to start relationships with the people we spend the most time with. This is why a lot of relationships (romantic and platonic) start at work, at church, at school or other places where you’re around the same people over and over again.

So if your current hobbies aren’t bringing you in contact with people you don’t already know, then it may be time to decide that some of those can be put on the back burner while you prioritize meeting people. The best options would be to find places where you’re going to see a lot of the same folks over and over again – recurring events, regularly scheduled meet-ups or organized activities, ideally ones that match up with things you already enjoy. Then you’re going to have to go and just interact with people. Have conversations, get to know folks, find out what makes them tick and – if you find them attractive – whether you and they have enough in common that they might make a good potential partner.

If you meet someone a few times at, say, a local open-mic, and you catch a vibe when you’re talking to them, it’s the most natural thing in the world to ask them out on a date. And if they say no… well, the thing is to recognize that not everyone is going to like you the way you wish. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you, any more than there’s anything wrong with the people who you don’t want to date. It just means that the necessary components on both sides aren’t there.

All of this is to say that you have choices to make, and while the specifics will be different, they all come down to the same core question: what are you willing to change? What areas are you willing to bend and what are you going to stand firm on? There are no right or wrong answers here, because it’s all down to what’s important to you. You have to decide what gets prioritized over what, and the difference in priorities means different results and different consequences. If you’re going to be firm in wanting to marry soon and have a large family, then you’re going to need to be willing to accept that this is going to cut down your pool of potential partners significantly. If you aren’t willing to adjust how much time you’re spending and on what, then you’re going to have fewer opportunities to meet people.

What you have going on right now isn’t working out the way you hoped. So it’s time to decide what needs to change and to what degree. And that’s something that only you can decide.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com