DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I need some good male advice, please.  A guy who I met recently will be going back to hiking the AT within a week. We have hung out with each other, caught a movie and had great sex for the past 3 weeks.

I told him I would miss him once he gets back on the trail, and he responded with “awwww”…

Do not know what to think about this, he’s affectionate and caring, but I’m getting the friend zone vibe for a reason I think.

Can you help me out with this, Dr Love? I mean Nerdlove?

Need A Male To English Dictionary

DEAR NEED A MALE TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY: So… if you all are hanging out regularly, going on dates and having great sex over the last couple weeks, I’m going to go ahead and say that there aren’t “friend zone” vibes going on here. I mean, as I’m always saying: the whole deal with the Friend Zone is that there’re just people who don’t want to date or f--k you. And ya’ll’ve been dating and f--kin’.

I think the issue here is that you’re reading way more into this than is necessarily there. What he means by “awwww” is pretty simple: he doesn’t really know how to respond or have much of a response to your telling you that you’ll miss him, but he doesn’t want to just leave you on read. Replying with “awwwww” is an affectionate way of acknowledging the sentiment (you like him, you’ll miss him) but cautiously, without either coming off as stiff and disinterested (“thank you”) or implying more than he feels like may be there (“I’ll be thinking of you too”), but will still expressing appreciation for what you’re saying.

Now, part of where things get a little hazy for me is that you don’t include some key details. You say he’ll be going back to hiking the Appalachian Trail. Does this mean that he’s basically passing through town, rather than someone who lives there and is off on a week-long trek? Was he taking a break before getting back to it?  If that’s the case… well, I suspect that this was a trail-fling for him. If so, I can see why he might hedge on the side of less-reciprocal; he doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea or lead you to think that there’s more to this.

Now if you’ll pardon me but you accidentally inserted a quarter into the vend-o-rant: this is behavior that makes me grind my teeth because this is comes up a lot in flings and casual relationships. Someone wants to try to ensure that things stay casual, but they do so by being distant and less communicative. Some will even actively avoid being affectionate or expressive, in hopes it keeps the other person from developing feelings. It rarely helps, and mostly hurts, and almost always creates confusion because everyone assumed they were on the same page when in reality they were reading entirely different books.

This is why clarity, genuine communication, checking in with each other and – importantly – actually saying what you are or aren’t available for is so critical. If you have been hoping that this is a potential relationship or that things are going to pick back up after he completes the trail and he was seeing it as a trail fling, then the disconnect makes sense. You had very different expectations and so you were seeing things in a different light. I suspect the guy may have caught this but rather than actually saying “hey, just so we’re clear…” he let things go. I mean, after all, saying “you know this is just temporary” might have meant the end of the sex.

And if that wasn’t what you were thinking… well, again, that lack of clarity meant that you were both talking past each other, rather than to each other, and you might’ve had a different result both while he was in town and after he left.

TL;DR: he didn’t know what to say to you telling him that you missed him and erred on the side of acknowledgement, appreciation but also distance. You may have had conflicting ideas of what your relationship was and that lead to potential miscommunications. As always: use your words, be willing to risk consequences in the name of actually understanding one another  and make sure that you both know what you’re actually doing together.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Why do I tend to feel resentful and jealous of other people’s relationships? It’s a part of me I’ve tried not to acknowledge because its s--tty to feel this way but it has cost me. Even though I’m ace and on the spectrum, I think feeling like I’m graduating by 30 and not being in a relationship means that something is missing. I also often just feel that my autism can be a detractor to my dating life, up until I see other people on the spectrum have relationships. I get worried that I’m one of those people who’s inherently isolated and it’s my own fault. 

How do I get past these feelings or even just bring them up in counseling. I try to avoid them because I feel like an incel for having them but at the same time you have to accept that shadow ya know. It also doesn’t help that I find people exhausting at the best of time despite everything.

Please help.

You Blew It Up Damn You

DEAR YOU BLEW IT UP DAMN YOU: There’s nothing wrong with being envious of people who are in relationships, YBIUDY. We’re social animals; we tend to thrive in communities and when we have people in our lives who love us, care for us and support us. Wanting that isn’t wrong and feeling sad for the lack or wishing that you could have what other people have isn’t inherently bad.

Having these doesn’t feelings make you an incel, nor do you need to try to avoid feeling them. Not only does it not work – you can’t force yourself to not feel things – but trying not to feel them just means denying that you have a need that’s going unmet. At best, the need continues to go unmet. At worst… well, that’s when it starts curdling into bitterness and resentment.

The difference between wanting a relationship when you don’t have one and being an incel is pretty significant. When we talk about incels as a group, we’re talking about people who’ve defined themselves as much by their anger and resentment as their relationship status. People can be lonely without being incels. People can crave and miss  love and affection when they don’t have it, and still not be incels. They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things. It’s when those frustrations turn to anger and hate – whether directed inward or outward – They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things

I would also point out that you’re not “inherently” isolated. You’re lonely and alone and from the sounds of it, you’re something of an introvert. That’s not the same as being “inherently” isolated. For it to be “inherent”, it would have to be an immutable, unavoidable aspect of who you are, some thing about you that makes it literally impossible for you to ever change. And that’s not true. You’re not flawed, you’re not unloveable and you’re not doomed to being isolated.

I think the first thing you should do is stop trying to avoid the topic in counseling. In fact, I think it would likely do you some good to bring it up straight away. Part of the point of talking to a counselor is to talk about the things that’re bothering you; you don’t need to wait for an opening or for an organic opportunity to slide it across the table as a dialogue option. You can just say “I’ve really been feeling lonely and envious of the people I see in relationships lately and I don’t like how it’s been making me feel. I’d really like to work on that.”

Starting that conversation is the start of dealing with those feelings. Your counselor can help you unpack the complicated and messy feels you have over being ace and autistic while also wanting a relationship, how to deal with people being exhausting and what steps you can take to manage everything.

I will say, however, that being asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t want a relationship. Being ace is about sex and libido, not intimacy and love. Ace people can and do have romantic relationships. Sex may not be a cornerstone of that relationship or a key part of your connection with your partner, but that’s fine. The great thing about relationships is that the only people who get to define them are you and your partner. If you love someone, they love you and your intimacy doesn’t involve sex? Cool: you’re in a loving, romantic relationship. You’re also allowed to decide how much you two see each other, whether you live together or not, share the same bedroom or not or any of a thousand other little details. None of them are prerequisites for calling what you have “a relationship”; the only prereq is that you both agree.  

At the same time: not being in a relationship doesn’t mean anything about you as a person except that you’re not currently in one. It doesn’t matter how old you are or whether this is your first or fiftieth; those are just data points, not definitions. The same with being autistic; it’s just a fact about you, something inherently neutral. Some people may not vibe with you because of it. For others, it’ll be part of what makes you uniquely you. And this is true about all aspects of life. There’ll be people who don’t dig the color of your hair; that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with it. It just means that person doesn’t dig it. That’s it.

Don’t define yourself by what you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be your flaws; all this does is limit you and put up unnecessary obstacles in your life. Instead, define yourself by your potential, your goals, your ambitions, your drive and your actions. You’re capable of far more than you give yourself credit for; defining yourself by your perceived limitations only restricts you.

So hie thyself over to the counselor’s and get the conversation started. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be addressing these feelings and getting them to the point that they aren’t troubling you any longer.

Good luck.  

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. It’s overall enjoyable, but there’s one problem. She smells bad almost every time we’re together. It doesn’t matter if we’re going out or if she’s just coming to my place, I pretty often smell her. It’s not an overwhelming smell, but it’s enough that I notice it and it’s slightly unpleasant. I’m not sure what’s causing this scent, and I haven’t told her about it. How do I tactfully let her know without hurting her?

Bloodhound Gang

DEAR BLOODHOUND GANG: Let’s be honest: nobody likes hearing that they stink… but most people would rather know that they smell, so they can fix it, rather than going through life with people making yuck-faces behind their back when they pass. So while you’re looking for a tactful way to bring this up, you may have to be willing to be blunter than you’d prefer.

Now with that in mind, this is one of those times when I really wish you’d included more detail about the smell. I realize that this seems a bit odd, but the kind of smell would point to its potential origins, which can make a pretty significant difference.

Is it body odor, for example? Are you smelling sweat, pit-stank, or unwashed feet? Are we talking about someone who needs to be better at brushing her teeth or using a different mouthwash? Is it a chemical smell, like a form of artificial fragrance from body wash, deodorant, shampoo and conditioner? Are we talking about cigarette smoke, nicotine, or vape juice? Is it halitosis or perhaps residual scent from a particular food or beverage?

Could it be a scent from the laundry detergent or fabric softener she uses? Does she use a perfume or essential oil that you’re not crazy about? The result of an oil diffuser at her place? Are we talking about the “sweet-dirt” smell of patchouli or someone who’s burned way too much nag champa?

Or, to be completely blunt, are we talking about her vagina?

Without getting more into the actual type and origin of the smell, it’s going to be hard to say how to best address it. There are a lot of factors that can affect a person’s scent.  Certain foods can cause changes in the scent of a person’s sweat, even if you can’t detect it on their breath. Alliums like garlic or onions, for example, or strongly scented oils like from spearmint or peppermint plants, are notorious for how they affect your body odor as well as your breath. Some medications can likewise cause body odor issues, while medical conditions (like dental problems or salivary issues) can affect your breath.

It’s one thing if, for example, we’re talking about laundry detergent, or a particular brand of deodorant. It’s going to be less of an issue to say “hey, are you using $BRAND on your laundry? It’s kinda strong and hard to ignore…” than it is to say “babe, you really need to invest a better deodorant”. It’s a lot easier to say “I really don’t care for the incense you’ve been burning, would you mind not using it before you come over?” than it is to say “I wish you’d wash your feet more thoroughly”. It’s a lot easier to say “those licorice pastilles are a little overpowering” than “I know that you need to take that medication for your condition but man it f--ks with your breath”.

If it’s a normal biological smell – sweat, for example – and she’s a generally clean person and in good health, the issue may well be one of compatibility. Sometimes it can be an issue like, say, how one’s feet may sweat during the summer or wearing shoes without socks, but more often than not, the problem is more primal than that.

I’ve said many times that part of how we figure out we’re attracted to someone are these little things that we can only pick up on in person, and some of those signals are biological, like taste and scent. If we don’t like how someone tastes when we kiss them or how they naturally smell, that’s often an indication of some area where you’re not compatible. It could be pheromonal, it could be some primal instinct of genetic compatibility or it could just be a matter of personal taste, but those are usually an indication that you two just aren’t going to be right for each other. Scent is one of the most powerful of our senses after all, so if someone’s natural scent isn’t working for you, then it’s going to be hard to make the relationship work.

And if it’s vaginal… well, that’s where the answer tends to be “dude, bodies have smells and scents and unless she has an actual medical issue, you’re going to have to get used to it”.

Now, without more info and without an origin point or source for the smell, the best tactful way to bring up the topic would be to say “hey, did you use switch shampoo/conditioner/deodorant/fabric softener? It’s, uh… it’s not my favorite, if I’m being honest.” If it’s her breath has a hint of sourness to it or even a certain amount of body odor, you might just pop a mint Altoid and hand her one. Otherwise, if it’s enough to put you off your game entirely, then you’ll have to be a bit more blunt.

Though, if I’m being honest? You’ve been dating for a few months now. Whatever you’re smelling is apparently not bad enough for you to call things off. If you’re the only person smelling it or other people haven’t said anything, maybe it’s just something you’ll either need to accept and get used to, or decide that its bad enough that you’re willing to end the relationship over it.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com