DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So straight up, I (m/21) am 5’4, 5’5 on a good day. I’m also a virgin who’s never held hands with a girl, never mind gone on a date or had a girlfriend. The two are unquestionably connected – I’ve watched girls walk right past me to go flirt with the 6’ tall dudes instead, even though I’m exactly their type in every other way. And don’t get me started on dating apps, I may as well be invisible on there and even then I see “if you’re under 6’ swipe left” all the damn time.

I know all the tricks for looking taller, I don’t like boots and I refuse to use lifts. I just want to know why nobody wants to admit that if you’re not taller than 5’10, you may as well give up trying to date. 

Short King In Yellow

DEAR SHORT KING IN YELLOW: You say that you know all the tricks for looking taller, so I won’t go into those. Instead, let’s start with something obvious: If you had to be 6’ tall to date, the human race would have gone extinct generations ago. People who are 6’ or taller make up less than 10% of the population. There are more people who complain about being under 6’ than people who reach that height.

Here’s something slightly less obvious: John Boyega, Kit Harrington, Ed Sheeran and Zac Effron are 5’8” tall. Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. are 5’7”. Daniel Radcliffe and Bruno Mars are 5’5”. Chris Hart is 5’2”. There’re very few people who’re going to kick them out of bed after their shoes come off.

Now, I know what you’re about to say, because I am psychic and also because I’ve been having this argument for a long, long time: yes, they’re celebrities. They’re singers and actors and comedians. What this tells you is that height clearly isn’t everything. Height is a sexy quality for some, but it’s not the only sexy quality, nor is it a requirement. Attraction is a multi-axis graph, with many, many different qualities that go into making someone desirable.

If you feel that your height is a detriment to your dating success, then the obvious answer is: OK, so what else are you bringing to the table? What else do you have going for you that makes you attractive? And if the answer is “nothing”, then what are you willing to do to cultivate those traits? Because no, you don’t need to be the top 1% to date in other areas if you’re under a certain height (yes, I’ve seen those studies; those are why we have concepts like p-hacking and phrases like ‘correlation isn’t causation’), you just need to have things that make you someone that people want to spend time with and whose company people enjoy. The most attractive, romantically and sexually successful people I know – of a wide variety of heights – are people who are just fun to be with. The fact that people enjoy spending time with them is a big part of what makes them attractive.

You know what isn’t attractive? People getting into a snit about their height or who throw a tantrum when their girlfriends wear heels. Short Man Syndrome is actually the bigger turn-off than whether or not someone is above average height in their stocking feet.

(That’s 5’7.5” for men, globally, by the way).

Yes, there are people who feel strongly about wanting a partner who is taller than them. There are also people who feel strongly about a partner who makes more (or less) than they do or who isn’t as smart as them, who is as conventionally attractive as them if not moreso, or who is less successful than they are. People have preferences that exclude wide swaths of the human population, and that’s entirely their business.

Sometimes those preferences will include you. And those are the ones you notice. The only reason why you pay so much attention to those ‘swipe left’ bits in people’s dating profiles is because it feels personal to you. If you were a blue-eyed brunette and their profiles said “brown eyes need not apply” or “No gingers”, you would likely either snort derisively or miss it entirely, simply because it’s not your ox being gored.

But here’s an important question: if someone were to say that you were their ideal match except for this one thing – a thing that you have literally no control over – and they were willing to throw the amazing future you two would have aside over that thing… would you actually want to date this person? Would you cry bitter tears over this loss, or would you wonder why the hell you would ever want to be tied up with someone who’s that shallow? If you would still want to be with that person and still be upset that they’re that superficial… well, quite frankly, I would have to question your priorities.

And I say this as someone who is also under 5’10”: my height has never been a problem with getting dates. Yes, there’re people who likely have been uninterested in me because I’m not a particular height; I couldn’t give less of a shit. That’s a them problem, not a me problem. I’m sure there were probably some who were hotter than hot, but the great thing about this world is that there’re hundreds of thousands of women who are just as amazing, if not moreso, who didn’t care about my height. I could spend my time mourning all the missed opportunities – and thus have no time to do literally anything else – or I could disregard the people who simply aren’t worth my time and move on. And those people have demonstrated that they’re not worth my time.

Now I will say that I empathize with your frustration. It hurts when you feel like people won’t give you a chance based on an arbitrary aspect of you, something that you have next to no control over. It’s entirely reasonable to wish that people would give you a chance, even if you’re not their ideal height. But I think it’s also important to look at yourself and consider who you are willing to give a chance to, even if they’re not your ideal. What things are you willing to overlook in someone you might want to date? I’ve found that a lot of the folks who get into high dudgeon over being excluded aren’t exactly taking on any and all comers either; they have their own must-haves and deal-breakers, just as the women who passed on them did.

I’m sure you and others would be upset at the idea of “having” to date someone you didn’t find attractive. Ok… but that applies to other people too. People are allowed to have their preferences, even if those preferences don’t include you.

But – to forestall the inevitable and obvious rejoinder – I can all but guarantee you that your lack of romantic success has far less to do with your height and far more about your attitude. If I can feel the attitude dripping off your email, women who meet you in person absolutely sense it radiating off you like a passive-aggressive uranium enrichment plant. So my suggestion would be to start getting over it and start embracing the idea of being a short king instead.

And one more thing: I’ve long been saying that dating apps should be a supplement to meeting people, but this is especially true if, for example, you’re shorter than average. One of the drawbacks to the apps is that we have fewer opportunities for serendipity. It’s very easy to get caught up in what we think we want and miss out on people who we might vibe with if we’d met in person. I know people who still get on like a house on fire decades after they first met… but they would never have matched if they encountered each other on an app.

So as you embrace being a short king and cultivating your other attractive attributes, I’d suggest focusing your attention on meeting people in person, rather than relying on the apps. Keep an open mind and give people a chance; you’ll find that you click with people you might not have given a second glance on Hinge.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have read a lot of your responses to letters over the years. I think you share an optimistic encouraging world view which is not especially common for men on the internet these days so I appreciate your responses.

My question has to do with the shame of being an older virgin. I know you have answered this topic a million times and I agree with your response that it’s not and shouldn’t be treated as shameful.

My problem is a I am letting social media and specifically Reddit inform my world view around this. I can’t help but read all the threads on Reddit asking “when does virginity become weird/ a red flag?” “Would you date a virgin” “Should I tell my date I’m a virgin?”.

In a lot of these threads I feel like my worst fears are confirmed. There are a lot of people on reddit saying they wouldn’t date a virgin, that it’s a red flag etc And a lot the advice men give to each other on there is just “don’t bring it up” or even lie about it.

It’s hard to go into dating with a confident mindset after reading people reinforcing my insecurities over and over again. I know the simple solution is just don’t read it, but how can I get over my fear that since it is so prevalent on social media that it represents how most people actually feel?

Last American Virgin

DEAR LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN: This is a classic case of “Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this,” “Well, stop doing that”. Going on social media and looking for opinions about something you’re already anxious about is a very good way to kick your confirmation bias into gear and only notice the answers or replies that serve to reaffirm that your being a virgin of A Certain Age (where that age is always “However old you are” and the age you should have lost your virginity is “your age – (5 to 10) years”).

And I do stress “notice” in that because there’re frequently people who will say that virginity isn’t that big of a deal to them or talk about how they’ve dated or slept with virgins or how they themselves were older virgins and the positive experiences they had. But those don’t register nearly as easily because… well, because they run counter to what you expect to see. That’s how confirmation bias works; you give greater credence to what you already believe, no matter how much it hurts you, and dismiss what goes against those beliefs. The logic involved doesn’t actually matter. The claims in favor of your belief can be so tenuous as to be fictional but they will still resonate within your soul like the ringing of the cathedral bells from the Undertaker’s entrance music. The posts against those beliefs can be filled with details and proven with charts and graphs but there will always be some reason why that doesn’t apply to you or was such a black swan event that you should just dismiss it entirely.

This isn’t unique to you; this is something that’s deeply embedded in the psyche of everybody. But this is also why if you’re going to find proof of what you already believe, you may as well choose to believe in things that help you instead of hurting you.

But that’s a Future You problem. Right now, Present You is trying to wash all those posts and anxieties out of your brain and it seems like all the logical scouring powder in the world is no proof against these emotional stains. What is there left for you?

Well, I hope you’ll forgive me for a moment because we’re going to take what seems like a random tangent. Stick with me, I promise I will drag this back to the point, kicking and screaming, and you’ll understand where I’m going with all of this.

So anyone with eyes, a brain and a functioning Internet connection can’t help but notice how s--tty Google has become. The first page, even the second and third pages are often full of misleading advertisements and paid placement rather than the results you’re looking for, and a high number of content aggregator sites full of SEO bait make up the remainder… none of which actually provide the information you were actually searching for. In fact, it’s become so bad that it’s become something of a cliché to add “reddit” or “site: reddit” at the end of any search string; the idea being that searching Reddit, specifically, will actually get you real answers written by real people.

And to be sure: this is extremely helpful, especially if, say, you’re looking for technical advice or help with a particular problem, recurring bug or other issue.

But the thing about Reddit is that it’s full of various communities, and those communities are full of people. And those communities and those people tend to have agendas, accepted wisdom and group-think. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, mind you; it’s just the nature of communities. Communities tend to be made of like-minded individuals, so it’s not surprising that they’re going to have very similar views on particular topics – especially topics that are central to that community. The folks who radically disagree or whose views are 180 degrees tend not to stick around in single-topic communities.

(This is less true in, say, communities and forums where there’s a wider diversity of topics, like a friend’s Discord server or a subreddit for a more general subject; in those cases, disagreements still crop up but there’re other areas of agreement or accord. You can think that Baldur’s Gate 3 was a stunning achievement while your buddy can think that it was just Dragon Age But Even Hornier and while you may argue vehemently about it, you both agree that Fall Guy was one of the best movies of the year…)

The problem, however, is that when you’re part of that community and that forms the place where you have the majority of your discussions on said topic, is that it’s very easy to forget that your community isn’t the world.

In that way, it’s very similar to Twitter or BlueSky or Threads or Mastodon; if you see the same things being said over and over again, it becomes very easy to assume that this is just the way most people think or feel. Again: this is just a quirk of human psychology; literally everyone is vulnerable to this because it’s just part of how we’re wired. Hear things or see things over and over again enough times and you start to assume that it must be true.

Now this can cause problems for people who are not part of that particular community – especially if that community tends to take very stringent stances that become The Way Things Are. To give an example: I – as a white man in his mid-to-late 40s – recently have given in to the inevitable and got into vinyl records. I wanted to get some suggestions on what turntables might fit my needs and budget. So I turned to Reddit for suggestions, including looking for some reviews on a couple likely contenders.

I was immediately hit with wave after wave of threads about how anyone who used X turntable was an idiot and anyone who used Y turntable should have their ears gouged out and if you didn’t use Z turn table with XZ speakers in a specific setup with A1 wires, D2 needle cartridge and whatever else, you may as well hand your eardrums over to someone who would use them properly.

And of course, this entire setup would cost in the thousands of dollars, but this was reasonable if you were going to listen to vinyl “the way it was meant to be listened to”.

All of which is well and good, but I was coming to this not as a budding audiophile but someone who decided it might be fun to listen to some of my old favorite albums the way I did back in the 80s. I didn’t need the top of the line, perfect audio setup, and I was more than willing to forgo a nigh-inaudible difference in sound quality for the convenience of listening via wireless headsets on occasion. But trying to find recommendations for someone with my particular use case – one I suspect is more common than the hardcore fans would believe – was like trying to find a needle in a very angry, surprisingly snobbish stack of different needles.

That isn’t to say that those recommendations weren’t good, nor that they didn’t have their place. They just didn’t consider that people had use cases that didn’t include their particular priors, because the overall accepted wisdom of those communities were “Audiophile Today, Audiophile Tomorrow, Audiophile Forever”. So while their advice would be helpful for people who were just like them, it’s far less useful for someone who wasn’t.

Which is why – bringing things back around – it’s important to remember that while Reddit can be incredibly useful in some areas, it can be less helpful in others. You want to keep in mind that just because a particular community – even a large one – seems to say one thing, that doesn’t mean that this is true for everyone or even most people.

It’s especially not a good measure of overall public sentiment, especially since Reddit’s hardly a good reflection of the population at large, demographically, politically or in any other way that would be statistically significant. Much like Twitter, most people in the US, never mind the world, aren’t actually on Reddit and few pay any attention to it at all. It’s given outsize importance by people who – like me – are Terminally Online.

(Let’s put it this way: take your favorite Reddit, YouTube or TikTok scandal or beef and try to explain it to someone who isn’t as online as you are. See how long it takes before you realize you have to explain weeks to months’ worth of backstory before you can even make the scandal make sense as a scandal.)

Nor, for that matter, is it helped that Reddit, like most social media, is incentivized towards negativity. It’s much easier to be cynical, negative and dismissive than it is to be encouraging and positive, in part because we’re taught to think that cynicism and negativity sound smart and cultured, while positivity and optimism sounds naïve and foolish. You can see this in any number of threads about, say, people having issues with opening up their relationship or struggling with a conflict with their partner.

This isn’t helped by the fact that people can and frequently do respond less based on the facts at hand and more on their own issues. Nobody is such a dispassionate observer of reality that they don’t bring their own biases, prejudices and preconceived notions to any topic, but many times you’ll run into folks who will be responding to the post in their head rather than what’s on the page. One incident that stood out to me was watching someone in a poly community forum ask for advice after her husband had been dumped by one of his partners and she wasn’t sure how best to support him. The vast majority of replies weren’t about how to help but complaining about married people and how wives were the worst… something of an odd response considering this was someone asking how to help and support her husband during a low period, rather than complaining about something he did.

The meme of “I like pancakes/ So you’re saying you hate waffles” very much applies here.

People will tend to leap to negative conclusions based on very little evidence – sometimes even taking what other commentors said as something that the original poster said. And those comments tend to be the ones that get the most engagement – and thus greater prominence – and more upvotes.

And this is before we even get to the issue of the Negativity Bias – an inherent psychological tendency to give negative experiences, emotions and memories more weight and credence than positive ones – and a propensity to masochistic epistemology: “truth hurts, so if it hurts, it must be true”.

Now with all this in mind, let’s drag this back around to your question: how do you stop letting the negativity you see on social media drag your confidence down into the gutter? Well, we’ve already touched on the first step: quit doomscrolling Reddit and TikTok and YouTube, and if you do visit, stop giving obvious rage bait credence.

In fact, I’m tempted to leave it there, because part of why you keep having this problem is that reading those threads and posts just serves to reinforce those beliefs. The longer you spend away from them and actually interacting with people in person, the more those feelings are going to fade and the more you’ll see that people are actually far more diverse and varied and capable of nuance than online forums and subreddits give credit for.

But you also have to be willing to take a deep breath when you have that knee-jerk emotional response to a thread and take a moment to actually think, not just react. You want to ask yourself: “Does this community actually represent people like me, or does it make assumptions of everyone who comes here? Do these replies actually make sense, or does they seem more like someone’s doomer belief? Are they actually trying to help or are they just complaining? Would I trust this stranger’s opinion – a person who I didn’t know existed before just now – on any other topic that’s important to me?”

If you do insist on reading through threads that you already know are just going to upset you, pay attention to what you’re paying attention to. Are you actually taking in contrary opinions, or are you focusing entirely on the ones that make you feel bad? Are any of the threads actually helpful, or are they just a bunch of people trading complaints back and forth and amplifying the worst aspects? Those are the times when you should start to recognize that what you’re perceiving isn’t reality or consensus, it’s volume and repetition – just saying things over and over again until it starts sounding true. But if you pay attention – really paying attention – I think you’ll be surprised to see how often what you’re actually seeing are the same people just amplifying the same points over and over again.

To be sure: just being aware of all of this isn’t going to render you immune to confirmation bias or change how you feel. But it should remind you that what you’re seeing is just noise, not signal, and you don’t need to take it on board or even take it all that seriously. It will also remind you that what people say online and how people behave in reality don’t always line up – especially when it comes to people making grandiose declarations about what other people think based on their own feelings.

And speaking of being back in the real world: there will always be people who aren’t interested in dating or sleeping with older virgins. There will also be people who aren’t interested in sleeping with redheads or people with glasses or other arbitrary qualities. That doesn’t have anything to do with your worth as a person; that’s their issue, not yours. Especially since being a virgin – or not – is inherently neutral. It means literally nothing except whether you’ve had a particular experience. It says exactly as much about your worth as a person as whether you played Little League baseball, built robots or watched a particular TV show. Which is to say: sweet f--k-all.

Here is a truth: while I don’t think somebody’s first time needs to be special or meaningful, I do think that it should be worth it. And that means sleeping with someone who’s worth sleeping with. You want a partner who’s going to be considerate and giving, who’s going to be as interested in your having a good time as their own. If someone thinks your being a virgin at your age is a red flag or a detriment in some way, shape or form, all they’ve told you is that they aren’t worth your time. Those people aren’t proof that you’re somehow less desirable for completely arbitrary and meaningless reasons. They’re just a bullet that you’ve dodged, and you’re free to disregard them going forward.

Don’t take on their bulls--t beliefs. You deserve better than that.

Good luck.  

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: 6 months ago I broke up with my bf of 5 years I’m 32 and thought we would have a life together. We lived together and had a dog together. Going into the relationship I had trust issues but he always said he wanted to be with me have a future etc. However throughout the entire relationship he never posted a single photo of me on his social media and would hide his phone and lie about messaging girls. Girls names would pop up once even a new account on his Netflix. When I questioned him he deleted it. When I questioned him about it he would shut me down say I had nothing to worry about that his social media was just for his car or that my concerns were my anxiety.

 The break up was bad when I moved out he had agreed for us to share our dog then he just changed his mind and told me I would never see the dog again and got abusive. My question is how can I move on or trust even myself now ? I see a therapist but losing our dog broke my heart. I’ve started to question my reality like was I wrong to question him messaging other people. Or was I valid. I don’t understand the situation it has made me feel like I was wrong to react to his behaviour. Could it be possible I was wrong or are these valid concerns and behaviours to expect a partner not to do.

My head and heart hurt so much. I believed he cheated but he never admitted anything he always swore he did nothing. I’m worried I ruined my life by leaving the relationship I’d like to know if you think they were valid concerns. I loved him a lot I feel as though I put up with bad treatment but it’s so hard to put to rest when I’ll never get answers from him.

Shattered and Alone

DEAR SHATTERED AND ALONE: Let’s put this right at the top: your ex was a deeply s--tty, toxic and outright abusive pile of radioactive sludge who was a waste of the two minutes that it took to conceive him. I think you should’ve dumped him so hard his grandparents got divorced retroactively. Leaving your f—khead ex is probably the best thing you’ve done and it’s only a shame that you didn’t do so sooner so that it would never occur to you to ask if you somehow ruined your life by doing so.

Here’s what you need to understand: what your ex was doing is what’s known as “gaslighting”. Now I know that this is a word that gets tossed around and misused a lot, so I want to be clear: I don’t mean he was lying to you or trying to deceive you – which he absolutely was. When I say he was gaslighting you, I mean that he was trying to get you to question your very sense of what was real and true and making it so that you didn’t or couldn’t trust your own eyes and judgement. That is precisely why you feel so uprooted and confused; he was going out of his way to damage your grasp on reality.

Here is another thing you need to understand: whether he cheated on you or not is irrelevant. It is a distraction. If he cheated, then that is just the rancid cherry on a sundae of abuse; whether he did or he didn’t doesn’t change the fundamental fact that his behavior is that the way that he treated you was beyond the pale. Even if all of his weird behavior – having other women’s names on his Netflix account where you would see it?? – was above board, the way he went about everything and would turn it all back on you is enough to warrant getting the f--k out of this relationship.

You didn’t (and don’t, nor will you in the future) need some causus belli in order to break up with someone. You can break up with someone for any reason, including “the way he behaves makes me feel unsecure and uncertain, even if he’s technically not doing anything wrong”. If he cheated, then yes, that’s one more check mark in the “he’s horrible” list. But even if he didn’t, the rest of his behavior more than validates your decision to get the f--k out. Up to and especially taking the dog.

(That’s the sort of thing that makes me go “John Wick had the right idea.”)

And here’s the important thing: it’s possible that there were innocent and understandable reasons for at least some of his behavior. It is possible, for example, that not posting pictures of you on his social media wasn’t him trying to hide that he’s in a relationship; not everyone posts about who they’re dating or keeps things strictly about them. But even if individual actions and behaviors are on the up and up, that doesn’t change the sum totality of his behavior or the way that he treated you. Under the most generous – and I mean “needing to be The Buddha” levels of generosity – interpretation of things would be “he handled things incredibly badly. But I’m not the Buddha and he sounds like a s--tbird that you’re well rid of.

Here is the final thing that you need to understand: you don’t need answers from him. He’s already proven through his actions, that he’s never going to admit to wrong-doing, never going to give you the truth and certainly not going to give you closure. But that’s ok because you don’t need it from him. Closure is a gift that you give yourself. The closure you ultimately need is to acknowledge that this was a bad relationship and it’s good that you left it.

Here’s what to tell yourself about those unanswered questions: the answers don’t matter because they’re the wrong questions. The question isn’t “was he cheating” and “did I ruin my life by leaving him”, it’s “what can I take from this so that I don’t end up in a relationship with someone like him going forward?” It’s “How do I love myself in a way that makes it possible to heal these wounds, so I can trust someone who’s deserving of my trust in the future?” Those are the questions you need to answer, because those are the questions that matter.

The best thing you can do right now isn’t to get a confession from him, it’s to forget him so that he never occupies another nanosecond of your time. I know that this hurts, but that will fade as you let him go and give yourself the closure you’re looking for. Your ex is in the past, and that’s where he should be left. Your focus should be on the future – your future – and how you’re going to make it a good one for yourself.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well. 

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com