DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been reading your column for a little over a year. I am hoping you may at least have some insights where I am stuck, if not advice.
After getting out of *another* relationship that turned scary + abusive 4 years 5 months ago, I stopped dating until I could get to a better place (in all senses of the phrase).
One-on-one therapy, group therapy for self-described “limerence addicts,” diagnosis and treatment for a physical condition I had gaslit myself into ignoring, and pragmatic support from some extended family to help me get safely financially independent.
I am now feeling ok. I am feeling stable. I live solo and I no longer feel like I *have to* be in a romantic relationship.
But my heart – my desire? my orientation? – seems permanently… off.
I genuinely want to have a real romantic relationship again. But my sense is so off. I have used external checklists of red flags + warning signs from anti-abuse organizations, and I now realize much earlier on – within the first few weeks, sometimes on the first date – that a guy is bad news.
But I feel so frustrated! Every time I read the list and, inevitably, a guy a feel a strong, early connection with is a friggin’ red flag parade!
I want to rationalize, or believe the list is wrong and “follow my heart.” But I know from experience and therapy now that the list is valid, based on decades of research, and correct. It is my heart that is wrong.
Whereas, after a date with a “green flag” guy, it’s like…I basically feel no connection after a few dates – or even after a few months of dates!
And it often seems mutual. Half the time, it’s Green Flag Greg who ghosts or politely turns *me* down for the next date.
And I don’t start spiraling or worrying or anything when that happens. I don’t think, like, “why doesn’t he like me? How can I win him back?” I just feel relieved. Or I shrug.
Last night, I was reading about “love bombing” and the “match-plus-one” conversation strategy. And something clicked.
On some level, I only feel “chemistry” with extreme, early displays of “over the top” romantic affection and desire. On top of that, I also feel, well, insecure about myself and decisions I’ve made. I feel a strong connection to people who take decisive action – even on my behalf, even without asking first, at least about little things like what to eat for dinner.
And I realized I just cannot do the “match-plus-one” conversation style.
It feels like, everything moves so slow! Deep intimacy and mutually vulnerability feel like real love to me, they create extraordinary electric chemistry! My instinct is to match plus, I don’t know, ten or something. To reveal too much, ask for too much revelation too soon. “TMI” feels right; the normal, slow progression of trust and vulnerability makes me feel disconnected, or even disliked – like Green Flag Greg is uncomfortable getting to know the real me.
After years of therapy, I have effective strategies to avoid getting into another abusive relationship.
And in some cases, I do know the strategies work. There was one “Red Flag Ron” I felt strongly connected to after a few dates. But the checklist indicated several red flags, so I declined to become a committed relationship, even though I felt anxiety and feared future regret turning him down.
Well, the list did its job right. I found out less than a year later, he was arrested for physically assaulting his girlfriend so badly she was hospitalized.
I dodged a bullet!
But is it possible to fix my heart?
You have heard the BoJack Horseman quote, “when you wear rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” The corollary there is, rose colored glasses also make green flags look blah sad-vibes gray.
I want to be able to feel a genuine connection, to experience true chemistry, and fall in love with one of the many Green Flag Gregs of the world!
How do I do that? Is that even possible?
I feel like much of my therapy + growth has stalled out after meeting my initial goals. I gained independence, learned strategies to evaluate danger more objectively, and processed serious trauma – I used to have panic attacks daily, and now I only have them once or twice a year at most!
But I don’t have any idea to get to the next step. My mind has healed a lot. I worry my heart may be broken forever. I have stopped attending limerence support group, because I feel like I’ve outgrown it, and I found myself (obviously unfairly) annoyed at group members making mistakes I’d stopped making a while ago.
Where do I go from here?
– Smart Brain, Dumb Heart
DEAR SMART BRAIN, DUMB HEART: First of all, SMDH, I think it’s important to take a moment and appreciate how far you’ve come. You’ve made some incredible progress, and that’s amazing. You’ve made incredible strides in your life, addressed so many issues you’ve faced… that says a lot about you and your ability to grow, change and improve.
This is why it’s entirely understandable that you have this seemingly intractable sticking point that you just can’t get past. But it’s also something that happens a lot to folks who are breaking negative patterns and growing as people. Change takes a lot of effort. Sustained change takes even more, because our brains are lazy and don’t want to expend that energy. So there’re are often points where it feels like we’re trying to pull an elephant out of quicksand and the elephant doesn’t want to leave. It likes the quicksand. And you may feel like yelling what the actual f--k, elephant, if you don’t move you’re going to drown? Get your ass in gear and lets get out of this 80s nightmare where quicksand is an actual thing to be worried about!
OK, that metaphor may have gotten away from me. But the point remains: it feels incredibly frustrating when you know intellectually that you’re still engaging in negative behaviors but you can’t seem to shift them no matter what you do.
Well, there’s a two-fold approach to this that I think would help you. The first is to understand the situation, the why and wherefores of it. The second is to use that knowledge as leverage and how to apply it.
The first part is actually pretty obvious. Part of the reason why Red Flag Charlie gets your motor running is because certainty and directness is appealing. This is just part of the human condition; we have an almost instinctual attraction towards people who seem incredibly confident and assured. It tweaks the part of our brains that says “this person must know what he or she is doing. They’ve got it figured out. I can relax, someone knows what’s going on.”
This is part of how conmen trick perfectly intelligent, savvy people. Yeah, everything Elizabeth Holmes or Sam Bankman-Fried or whomever says seems outlandish, absurdly risky or impossible based on the physical laws of the universe… but they’re so certain that there must be something there, right? With all that horse s--t they’re spreading, there must be a pony in there somewhere.
It’s also part of how predators and toxic partners get you. The assertive confidence, the passion and intensity are compelling. Someone both seeming so confident in themselves that they have no doubt and with the willingness to be so open about their attraction and interest… that’s very appealing, especially when they seem to see things in you that you wish were there. If you’re insecure or feel shaky in your own value, someone confidently telling you just how amazing you are and how much they like you (and they’ve never felt this way, they never do this, etc.) is like catnip. They’re making you feel special because what they say seems like it’s laser targeted at the areas where you feel the most anxious.
Now to be fair: that’s not just the province of toxic people or predators prowling around looking for weak boundaries. There’re good people who are effusive and outgoing too. But a lot of them tend to be a bit more restrained at first.
Put a pin in that; we’re going to come back to that.
So, you know that the confident, aggressive approach works on you. You also know that you’re prone to insecurity and second-guessing yourself. That’s precisely why the over-the-top, oversharing approach works on you. It feels good – easing your stress and worry – and the speed of it keeps your brain weasels from getting enough time to warm up and start gnawing on your insecurities. You know yourself well enough to know that this gets you into trouble pretty much every time.
Here’s the important part: the reason why going slow feels so frustrating isn’t because you’re wired for speed. It’s because it’s what you’re used to. A slower burn feels uncomfortable because it’s different. It’s not following the path that you know like the back of your hand. A slower pace feels like you’re doing something wrong, like you’re not going to get to where you need to be when you need to be there. But that’s why we say “feels aren’t reals”. Your feeling something doesn’t mean that it’s true; it’s just how you’re feeling.
This is why it’s good to trust your gut, but only as long as your gut is trustworthy. Sometimes your gut needs training, like an excitable dog that barks at everything. You want to teach it that the unfamiliar isn’t automatically dangerous, and to reserve its attention for the times when there’re actual dangers.
So you’re going to retrain yourself and your gut. You’re going to break your old habit and build a new one through careful, deliberate and mindful effort.
How you do this is simple in concept, but challenging in execution: you hold on a little longer than you would normally with someone who’s waving all those green flags. You start a dialogue with yourself about those anxiety patterns: “oh, right, that’s my usual dating anxiety flaring up again. That’s the part that always leads me astray.” Then you mentally grit your teeth and tighten your grip so that you don’t leap to the usual (often incorrect) conclusions and redirect your attention to being in the moment. You focus your attention on what they’re actually saying, what they’re actually doing, and resolve that you’re going to give them a little longer for that chemistry to kick in. “It doesn’t have to be for very long”, you tell yourself. “Another conversation. Another date. Just a bit longer and we’ll see. If it’s not there, it’s not there and that’s fine, we’ll be able to move on knowing that we made the right call.”
The same goes for the frustration of how slow everything seems to be. It only seems slow because you’re used to sketchy dudes who go from zero-to-sixty in 3 seconds, guys who use speed to overwhelm your Spidey-sense and keep you from noticing that all those flags are getting a distinctly crimson hue. So you treat your heart like an eager race horse; yeah it wants to run, but first it’s do its warm ups so it’s ready to run without hurting itself.
That’s precisely how you think of those early days when you’re lamenting the seemingly glacial pace: you’re warming up, you’re stretching and getting ready for the moment that you can drop the restraints and go.
Now to be sure: this is going to take work. This is going to require that you strengthen your willpower, because the urge to say “f--k it, this sucks, this is taking too long” will be immense. But you’ll notice that it takes a little less effort every time. The pace seems a little less ponderous and a little more measured. You won’t have to put as much conscious thought into fighting those old instincts. And before long, you’ll realize this has gone from being something you have to think about to something you just do; it’ll be the emotional equivalent of muscle memory.
Don’t get me wrong: yes, there will still be all the usual annoyances and frustrations built into dating – the ghosting, the sudden radio silence, the first dates to nowhere. But because you’re giving people more of a chance, you’ll discover there will also be times you’re pleasantly surprised. Yeah, Gary Green Flags may not seem as interested or eager at first… but given a little time to warm up to you and to connect with you, you’ll be surprised by the strength of that connection, the intensity of those feelings.
Remember what I said about good guys who don’t show the same level of assertiveness and powerful feelings right away? Well, part of why they do that is because they’re worried that they’re going to scare you away if they don’t. By restraining yourself – giving them more time while also refusing to let your anxieties trick you into running away – you’re giving them time to feel like they can show that side of themselves. By holding yourself back rather than telling them to get ready to drink from the firehose, you’re not scaring them off, too. It becomes a win-win scenario, where you both get the best of the other.
This doesn’t mean you have to date people who don’t stoke your fire. It doesn’t mean you have to wait weeks before you can open up to someone. It just means giving a little more time, having a little more patience and a little more restraint. The predators and Red Flag Robbies of the world won’t like that and they’ll leave. The good guys? They’ll appreciate it.
It takes practice. It takes effort. It takes strength of will. But you’ve already proven you have that strength. You just have to apply it here, the way you have in the other parts of your life.
You’ve got this.
Good luck.
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com