DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I will try to keep this as brief as I can. There’s a quite cute blonde lass who works at a McDonald’s in Stirling, Scotland that I frequent and since she caught my eye, I said to her that I think that she’s attractive and asked if she’s single. She didn’t take it well and said no but looked at her colleague and walked away and I didn’t take it any further.
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I am now paranoid because of the new hate crime law here in Scotland that all it takes is a lady who didn’t like what I said to report me and that’s me with a record and my life ruined so what should I do moving forward with anyone else that catches my eye?
Unsmooth Criminal
DEAR UNSMOOTH CRIMINAL: Alright my guy. First and foremost: calm down. While Dr. NerdLove is no more a lawyer than he is a doctor, I feel pretty safe in saying that you aren’t in any danger. This is just anxiety screaming at you, not an actual threat to your life, liberty and clean criminal record. Believe me, if being a little awkward was all it took to get banged up by the law, a solid 2/3rds of the country would be in jail.
And that’s all this was. You were a little awkward, a little cringe and she walked away. I think we can all agree that the teeth-gritting-well-that’s-going-to-haunt-me-at-3-AM-years-from-now is going to be penance enough for this minor transgression.
More importantly, is that this is a learning experience for you. And the first lesson is: don’t hit on service industry workers while they’re on the job. Under the best of circumstances, it’s rude and they’re restricted in how to handle these sorts of situations. At worst, there’s the fact that a lot of women in service positions – bartender, cashier, stock clerk, waitress, etc.- deal with being harassed by customers and often find that management won’t have their backs. So they’re put in the painful position of either putting up with it or risking losing their jobs for somebody else’s bulls--t.
(To be clear: I am not saying you harassed her.)
If someone’s on the clock, that’s not time to be hitting on them. If they’re interested, then they can make the first move. Otherwise you do best to keep things polite and professional.
Now to avoid similar situations in the future, you want to pay attention to the following things:
Social context
Desire to be left alone
Professional politeness vs. genuine interest
How much freedom the person has to react or respond
Social context is a big one. We’re social animals and we have rules – frequently unspoken and unwritten but still extant – that help guide us to make society flow more smoothly and effectively. Many of those rules are about the sort of behavior that’s both expected and accepted in different aspects of life. You don’t, for example, behave in church the way you would at a rowdy night club, nor would you behave in court like you would at a football match.
Social context applies to pretty much all areas of life and helps provide insight as to what would be appropriate or not at any particular occasion. In bars or clubs, for example, it’s generally accepted that the reason why people go to them is to socialize. While not everyone who goes to the club is there to hook up or find a date, the general expectation is that this is a place where talking to strangers, flirting, dancing and hooking up are acceptable. So it’s entirely reasonable to approach a stranger and flirt with them; it’s within the bounds of acceptable behavior.
That’s not the case at, say, McDonalds. As a general rule, fast food restaurants aren’t places where people go expecting to meet dates. The context is pretty simple: employees are there to work, customers are there to eat. Employees in particular have pretty stringent rules on how their time is spent, and none of those rules allow for things like “flirting with the customers”. So, even if she were interested in you, that’s not the time nor the place.
It’s important to consider whether or not the average person would consider whether the social context of a situation would say that it’s appropriate to hit on someone. Yeah, you might be cool if a stranger came up and started rubbing up on you while you were at Sainsbury’s, but most people wouldn’t.
By the same token, you also want to consider how much a person would want to be hit on, or if they’d prefer to be left alone. Someone, say, sitting at the bus stop with their head down and headphones on, is making it clear that they’re not interested in talking to people; they’re giving off near-universal “Do Not Disturb” signals. If you push past that – wave your hands in their face to get their attention, try to get them to take their headphones off, etc. – and they’re not actively on fire? You’re being rude and telling them that you consider your desire to talk to them more important than their desire to be left alone. The people who are most interested in talking to strangers will let you know; they tend to be the ones who are more engaged with the people around them, making sustained eye contact and smiling, even starting conversations themselves.
Another thing to consider – especially for people who are on the job – is whether they are flirting or if they’re being professionally polite. A lot of guys tend to assume that professional politeness – the “always smiling and upbeat” vibe that customer service reps are forced into – is actually interest. Some jobs, especially ones that rely on tips, mean that service staff have financial interest in being a little flirty. Bartenders, for example, often make better tips when they flirt with their customers. That doesn’t mean that they’re actually interested in you. It’s very much like a dance, with everyone going through the steps. Done right, it’s fun for everyone and everyone goes away with something they appreciate. The customer feels a little more attractive, the server increases their take-home pay a little.
Done wrong, and you get someone who has to smile through gritted teeth at someone who’s making them increasingly unhappy.
Finally, there’s also the fact that there are times when someone may not want to interact with you but can’t get away or respond in the way they would prefer. The cashier at McDonalds can’t say “knock it off” without risking getting fired. Someone sitting next to you on the Tube is stuck until the next stop. In those cases, they’re in a position where they’re effectively trapped and have to hope that things aren’t going to escalate before they can get away. Even under the best of circumstances, when someone who has only the best of intentions still doesn’t seem to get that they don’t want to talk, it’s a deeply uncomfortable experience and not one that’s going to lend itself to actually getting a date.
I also want to point out that just because someone caught your eye doesn’t mean that you have to go hit on them. Trust me, there are millions of fine-looking women out there; you don’t have to go flirt on every single one you see.
Now look: you sound very young and inexperienced. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself until you gain more experience and improve your social calibration is to contain your flirting and attempts to pick people up to places where flirting is both expected and accepted as normal behavior. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly, can’t make small talk or generally get to know people. As you get to know them, what is or isn’t in bounds expands, and it becomes much more natural and acceptable to say “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you; is it ok if I add you on WhatsApp/ give you my number?”
But if you’re going to be interested in asking a stranger for a date, keep it to those social spaces until you get better at reading the room.
Oh, also: in my experience, it’s better to ask someone on a date than to ask if they’re single. If they’re not available, they’ll tell you.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com