DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I think I have a problem and I don’t know if it’s one you’ve handled before. I (non-binary, femme-presenting, 27) went to a local kink event with my best friend (m/29) with benefits where we played with another couple, an attractive woman in her early 30s and her slightly less hot but still good looking husband (late 30s I think?). Things went well, I vibed with both of them and they made it clear that they were into the possibility of seeing me again.
My best friend enjoyed it for what it was, but wasn’t as into it as much as me, so he’s cool with not being involved going forward.
They also made it clear that they play exclusively as a couple, which means either hard swaps with couples or threesomes. I’m ok with being the unicorn, so I had no problem with this at all.
All good, right? Well, lately the husband’s been reaching out to me privately and asking to get together. He’s telling me that they play together exclusively because it’s harder for men to meet women (I had to correct him on my gender) in the scene and so he’d like to see me on his own without his wife. I’m not sure how I feel about it and when I asked if his wife was ok with this, he got evasive and said it was fine but he’d have her confirm it with me. Since then I haven’t heard from her about this, but he’s been relentless in trying to meet up with me at times when I know she’s out of town for work.
I’m not sure what to do here, Doctor. Something about this feels off, but I don’t know if it’s just me. Should I listen to my instincts that this is weird? Do I message his wife privately to check on my own? How does a unicorn handle things when the couple wants to see them one-on-one?
The Last Pornicorn
DEAR THE LAST PORNICORN: I’m with you on this, TLP; as soon as you said “asking to see me on his own”, my Spidey-sense went off like a car alarm at 4 AM.
Now, before I get into my answer, I have to note that you don’t say that you were interested in seeing him on your own. I don’t know if that means that you’re only interested in them as a couple, only interested in him as an accessory to time with his wife or what, but I feel that this would make a difference in how to proceed. But if I’m being honest, I think you may want to get some distance from them. Quite frankly, there’re very few ways to proceed here that aren’t going to have a high likelihood of blowing something up – either your relationship with this couple or their marriage. And if you’re at the middle of it, then the odds are good that you’re going to get the blame.
Here’s the thing: I don’t doubt that he’s being sincere about why they’re playing as a couple. In the swinger scene, men can be at a disadvantage and so a lot of couples will put themselves as a package deal. That in and of itself isn’t a big deal… provided everyone is cool with the arrangement. Where things get hinky is when someone starts playing the “no no, my partner’s totally cool with it” card without actually ponying up proof that they are cool with it.
This, I should point out, doesn’t automatically mean that he’s lying. Sometimes folks honestly don’t think to provide verification in advance or it didn’t come up previously. But there’re a few things that are causing my Spidey-sense to tingle.
Let’s start with the fact that they’ve said straight up that they exclusively play together in either swaps with other couples or as threesomes. Now maybe they mean at events, but that is the sort of question that deserves some more exploration. Absent confirmation from both of them that they do occasionally see their special guest stars on a solo basis, I’d say that you should take their “only threesomes” at face value.
Then there’s the fact that he’s said “no, my wife said it’s cool” but doesn’t seem to have brought things up with her and the fact that he’s asking to see you when she’s out of town. That is where the tingle goes to a screech.
(Although I also have to ask how you know she’s out of town? Shared Google calendars? You’ve tried to arrange a time for the three of you and her schedule didn’t line up with yours?)
I’d say “give him an ultimatum on having his wife confirm that it’s cool”, but I have to be honest here, TLP: this seems like an arrangement with a strong possibility of disaster. Similarly, I think asking his wife yourself is going to be the equivalent of lobbing a grenade at a box of nitro, and there’s a strong chance that you’d get the blame for the resulting explosion – deserved or not.
Maybe this really is on the up and up and it’s just the case that they’re not the best at communicating and keeping up on things. But to be frank that doesn’t make it that much better; this is the sort of arrangement that requires very good communication and a lot of trust. Without both, it falls apart, messily and all over the place. And – again, assuming that this is all legit – this little incident would be a strong indicator that the communication isn’t as tight as it should be.
But if the guy is going behind his wife’s back, then something’s going to blow, messily and all over the place, very soon, and I think you’d do better to get clear of the blast zone.
I think the best play here would be to just step away. One way or another, best of intentions or not, it seems like a potentially volatile situation with too much risk for too little reward. Tell them both that you had fun but you’ve reached the end of the road with them and wish them the best of luck. You might have to deal with some awkwardness if you see them at other events, but being polite-but-distant will get you through the worst of it.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com