DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met a man at a cafe whom I noticed since I go to this cafe each weekend and so does he. I observed him and I assumed he would not like me and I stayed away and looked at magazines. But he found a way to be near the door when I was walking out and we talked and he asked if I knew his ex-wife. I do not know him or his ex-wife or anyone he mentioned to me really.
But he asked if he could buy me a coffee so I said yes.
I felt confused but excited that this man might like me! But then I was worried he might not. I felt like I stepped back into “having a man” with him but I haven’t in 10 years and maybe never but for some reason it was nice to feel like I was with him and he was buying me a coffee.
But I decided I wanted to date him but when I decided I needed to leave the cafe, I asked for his phone number so we could meet again and he said no.
Since then, I have been back to the cafe and I saw him there again and he invited me to sit down. I did sit down and he seemed to say the same things in a way. He keeps mentioning his ex-wife. But I thought…ok maybe he needs a friend, someone to chat with at the cafe. So, I sat and tried to talk but I don’t know enough to offer him advice. I am sad that he is sad over his ex-wife and I wish he was ready to move on and date me but maybe he is not that interested in me. I said that to him…that if he met someone that helped him forget his ex then maybe it’d be better that obviously I am not helping him forget and move forward. He said it has been 10 years …geesh.
I am thinking now that I need to avoid him since I want a relationship. Not necessarily with him but since this is my chance getting out of my house to meet a guy, hopefully who wants to be together a lot (relationship) maybe I should not talk to him. I hardly get out anywhere. At first I thought wow seems perfect when we sat and talked the first time so I was very sad / disappointed when he said no, that he does not want to exchange phone numbers.
What do I do?
Moving Forward Using All My Breath
DEAR MOVING FORWARD USING ALL MY BREATH OK, there’re a couple things here that are worth unpacking. First and foremost is that, yeah, it kinda sucks that this guy isn’t really interested in dating and seems to be hung up on his ex-wife. But let’s be honest here: the main reason you are hung up on him is that he’s apparently one of the first men you’ve really talked to in a long while. It’s understandable to be flattered by the attention and excited about the possibilities, but this is just a man. A man that you barely know anything about. While I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy – if not in great emotional shape right now – he’s not your soul mate or the last single man in America. Getting hung up on him is more about what he represents (a cure to your feeling lonely) than who he is. I can guarantee you that there are other guys out there, guys who are attractive and single and, importantly, not so hung up on their exes that they’re asking strangers if they know them.
You’re really over-investing in a guy you hardly know… and a guy who, let’s be real, isn’t exactly demonstrating that he’s worth your investment in the first place. I understand the excitement, believe me. I understand the feeling that this is the first opportunity you’ve had in a long time and you need to snatch it up like a duck on a junebug. But getting that hung up on a stranger is just an invitation to a broken heart, inviting unnecessary but inevitable pain into your life for no reason other than he was there.
The question of whether this guy is interested or not or why he’s still hung up on his wife or how he could move on are ultimately irrelevant. What’s important are two things: 1) he’s not in great shape, emotionally and 2) he’s not interested. That’s all you really need to know, here. And more to the point, the fact that he’s not in great shape should be the sign for you to not make him the focus of your interest. His problems are not something for you to fix. He’s not a project and the last thing you want in a relationship is a fixer-upper – especially when you’re still needing to do some work on yourself.
Do I think you need to avoid him? Not unless you honestly can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone else because you’re holding out hope that he’s going to change his mind. IF that’s the case… yeah, you need to put some distance between you and him so that you’re not wasting your time watering a dead plant.
What you should do is take that feeling of excitement you felt upon meeting him and let that motivate you to get out of the house more and put yourself into fortune’s path. Yeah, this guy isn’t in any shape to date, nor is he into you that way… but that thrill you felt should motivate you to be on the look out for the people who are. As great as it felt meeting this guy and the hint of possibility, meeting someone who’s ready, willing and able to date will feel even better. If you want to find them, you have to go to where they are. And since they’re not in your house, then that means going out into the world and meeting them there.
Let this encounter be the thing that spurs you on. He may not be the love of your life, but he could be the thing that motivates you to go to the place where you ultimately meet the man who is.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com