DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and sex has really changed this last year. He always wants oral first and sometimes this goes on a while, but I never get oral myself. Then it’s always doggie style never nothing else.
I think I’m bothered most about oral; he forces me down on him till I almost choke a lot. I have tried to talk to him but it never lasts. I have confided in couple friends even a male friend and I do know my boyfriend watches porn. And I been told that’s the problem. Sex used to be good but now many times I don’t even get off cause it hurts and sometimes I don’t think he even cares that I didn’t. I really need help. I know how much we love one another just don’t understand what changed.
Head Games
DEAR HEAD GAMES: This is one of those times where the problem isn’t where people are laying the blame. I don’t think “where did he get the idea to start doing this” is really the issue at hand. Porn could well be the inspiration – God knows there’s a lot of moves people picked up from porn that shouldn’t be busted out on someone without warning – but it could just as easily be weird Andrew-Tate-ass dominance bulls--t.
But even if it is from porn… well, the porn ain’t the problem. It may be the inspiration, but Johnny Sins didn’t reach out and poke your boyfriend in the brain and now he needs to make you choke on his dick. This is a series of choices your boyfriend has made and is continuing to make.
The problem is that your boyfriend a) is being a selfish d--kface in bed, b) is making you choke and gag during oral, c) isn’t listening when you say it bothers you and d) HE’S CHOKING AND GAGGING YOU DURING SEX AND ISN’T LISTENING WHEN YOU SAY HE NEEDS TO STOP JESUS TAP DANCING FROG.
Why is he doing this? F--ked if I know and honestly, I don’t really care. Maybe he decided he’s into degradation or dominance play. Maybe he’s decided he’s not attracted to you any more so he feels free to do whatever he wants to get himself off, your needs (and feelings and comfort and safety) be damned. Maybe he thinks its extra super sexy and you’ll learn to get off on it like he does. Much like the source of his inspiration, the reasoning behind all that s--t doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that it’s bothering you, you’ve told him it bothers you and he’s still doing it.
I don’t care how much you two love each other, that’s the sort of behavior that puts a relationship into a death spiral. Disrespect to the point of contempt and not treating your needs as important are relationship poison and it takes a lot to pull things back when it’s reached that level.
Now as much as I’m tempted to just say “throw the whole man away” and call it a day – and to be honest, I think that may still need to happen – if you honestly think there’s a chance to pull this out of the nosedive he’s put your relationship into, you need to have a full-bore come-to-Jesus talk with him. That means not just saying “hey, knock that off” while you two are banging; this means sitting him down at a time when you two are not going to be having sex and saying “we need to talk about this s--t right now and why it needs to stop.”
This isn’t going to be your typical Awkward Conversation. This is going to be a “What The Actual F--k?!” conversation, and that means the format is gonna be very different.
Start off with the facts: your sex life has become not just routine, but routine in a way that leaves you not just unsatisfied but also causes you physical discomfort. Not only is he not giving you the sort of attention you want and need to get off, but what he is doing is actually hurting you; it isn’t the opposite of a turn-on so much as creating a singularity that’s so dense that neither light nor the possibility of arousal can escape. It’s created a wormhole through time and space that’s retroactively ruining the sex you had in the past.
Now, in a divergence from the Awkward Conversation flow chart, you want to ask him: “what is the point of this move? Do you honestly not see that I don’t enjoy this or appreciate it when you do it? Why do you think this is a good thing to do to me during sex, especially when you know I don’t like it? What exactly are we both supposed to be getting from this?”
Give him a little time to explain what he’s thinking. Then repeat – the sex isn’t good, the moves he’s busting out hurt you and when you’ve brought it up before, he goes right back to doing it again. Then you give him the ultimatum: he needs to stop doing this. There will be no sex if he continues to be a selfish dickhead and forcing rough sex on you that you don’t enjoy. Period, the end. If things follow the same routine and he gives a brief moment of seeming to have listened before going back to his old performance, then you NOPE out of sex the moment he starts forcing your head down. No questions, no continuing after he promises to stop, just full bore slamming on the breaks and saying “no, this isn’t happening, I told you that already, get the hell off me and get out of my apartment.”
What happens next is going to be the deciding factor as to whether you continue this relationship with him or not. If – and this is a mighty big if – realizes that this was serious and he f--ked up and actually does the work of making things right and change his behavior… well, he’s on probation. He’s already shown a tendency to slip back to his old ways, so he needs to show that he’s not going to do that again.
But if he, for whatever reason, does not take your objections seriously or thinks that it’s OK to just ignore them and not make changes, then it’s time to drop him like an 8 AM art history lecture. No excuses, no more chances, no being “reasonable”; he collects his s--t and goes and he can return any of the stuff you have to someone who will bring it to you.
The important takeaway here is that you always have the right and responsibility to advocate for your own needs – whether that’s something as seemingly minor as reciprocal oral sex or as serious as “stop forcing me to go down on you so hard that it triggers my gag reflex” – and your own safety. If a partner (either your current or any in the future) treat your needs as unimportant, unnecessary or something that only requires the barest of lip-service before returning to the behavior you asked him to change, then you’re fully within your rights to call him to the carpet and, if necessary, kick him to the curb with last week’s compost.
So if you honestly think there’s a real chance he’ll change his ways, if you honestly think that a very serious, very real conversation will make him realize he’s f--king up, then have that conversation with him. But be sure that you actually believe it will help things; it’s easy to let the sunk-cost fallacy convince you to give someone a chance when an objective look would tell you that this relationship is already dead and what you’re seeing are the post-mortem reflexes, not signs of life.
But if not? Do yourself a favor and skip to the end that we’re all pretty sure is coming. You deserve better than that.
Good luck.
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
�
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com