DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 30 year old male, and I am about a year and a half removed from a 4 year relationship that I’m still healing from. I just moved to Spain for a fresh start and I’m seeing a lot of old patterns creep up when trying to find dates. Most notably, when I see a cute girl I want to talk to, I freeze up and never find the courage to do so. I read your article about the top dating mistakes we make, and I resonated a lot with that. What the problem is though, is after. When I get home after not making a move, I tend to feel like a complete failure. I have strong feelings of shame, regret, and disappointment in myself if I don’t approach. I’ve dealt with these feelings since high school whenever I “lost my chance” with a girl.
So my question is; how can I shift my mindset to where I’m not feeling like a complete failure if I don’t talk to every pretty girl I pass by? How do I stop the pressure of feeling like I NEED to talk to every pretty girl I see out and about? I think this will help me approach because I won’t be so pressured by myself to talk to women and approaching. Thanks for all the help.
Under Pressure
DEAR UNDER PRESSURE: Alright, AP, there’re a couple things you should do.
The first thing is to change your mindset, especially about going out. What you’re doing right now is what a lot of folks do to themselves when they’re single and ready to mingle: they create a scenario where the goal is to go out and get laid, ideally that night. If they can’t bring someone home, they at least need to get a number, a make out, something. And when they don’t… well, like you, they end up going home feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch.
The problem with this approach is two-fold. The first is that you’ve created a situation that you can fail, which means that, by the transitive properties of our brains being kinda bulls--t, you are a failure. The second is that your success is also dependent on other people, and that means that there can be no certainty. Women have agency, after all, and a life outside of someone trying to pick them up. Even if your hair and style is on point, you’re smoother than a graduate of the Lando Calrissian School for Players and and you’re dropping bon mots like Velma dropping her glasses, you can still not succeed because sometimes people just aren’t in the mood for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
As the man once said: it’s possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That’s just life.
So, rather than going out with a mindset of trying to meet someone or talk to every pretty woman you see, go out with a mindset of having an experience. What that experience is, you have no idea. Maybe you’ll try a new bar. Maybe you’ll discover a new amazing place and eat your body weight in tapas. Maybe you’ll drink tea and have a conversation with a fascinating stranger. Or maybe you’ll talk to a pretty woman and see what happens. Whatever ends up happening is that experience you were looking for.
By changing your goal (from meeting a sexy someone to having an experience) and your mindset (it’s win-win, no matter what happens), you free yourself from both the pressure to perform but also the expectations that make it possible to disappoint yourself. Setting yourself free to just experience things, enjoy things, you free yourself to just do stuff. Maybe you’ll talk to a lot of people. Maybe you won’t. That’s ok. Maybe you’ll talk to a few ladies, but because you’re not focused on trying to get a specific result (a number, a make out, taking her back to see your apartment), you’re freeing yourself from the self-imposed pressure to be “perfect”. You can be more authentic, more genuine and more relaxed.
Another thing is to what I call “dating slow” – not pressuring yourself to treat every interaction as one where you have to get a number or a date at the end. Most people don’t start a relationship – or even agree to go on a date – with someone they just met. Most of the time, there’s a period of getting to know one another, talking and connecting and then things happen. If give yourself permission to just chat with someone, without expectation or the goal of getting something from them at the end of it, you make it much easier to just vibe with them. If you see them again, great. If not, that’s cool too; you still had a good time.
At the same time, taking things slow means that, instead of trying to convince her that you’re worth her time, you can take the opportunity to get to know her and see if she is worth your time. Not in the arrogant sense of “how dare you presume that I might be interested in you” but in the sense that time on this planet is limited and you don’t want to waste it on someone who just isn’t compatible with you. You can free yourself to be curious about them, to see what they have going for them besides their looks and whether they’re someone you’d want to be in a relationship with in the first place.
But by being relaxed and not having an agenda beyond a nice conversation, you are taking the pressure off that says that you have to perform, that you have to be perfect, that you have to impress her and dazzle her and be more than just the best version of yourself but the best thing she’s ever seen. You can just enjoy yourself, and help her enjoy her time talking to you.
Getting to know someone over time – whether it’s days or weeks or even months – actually can work in your favor. Propinquity – the tendency to form relationships with the people you see the most often – is a powerful and underrated aspect of attraction. Similarly, the exposure effect increases interest; we find people more attractive as we get to know them over time. Exposure leads to familiarity and familiarity leads to affection. So, talking to the regulars at your favorite place to chill and grab a drink increases the likelihood of sparking something up with them.
And once you’ve taken the pressure to perform – and the binary pass/fail mindset – then you’re freeing yourself to be much more self-confident and self-assured. It’s kinda magical how much easier it is to be confident when you’re not treating talking to a pretty lady as something you must succeed at.
Start from there, and you’ll notice how much easier things become and how many amazing women there are out in the world. If one isn’t into you, you’re not into her or you just don’t have an opportunity to chat them up, that’s fine… there’re many more. And by taking things slow and at a measured pace, you’ll have the time, energy and desire to go meet the ones who are right for you and looking for an awesome guy like you.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com