DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been happily together for a really long time. We are honestly best friends. But because we’ve been together so long, I feel like the spicy and romantic sparks have dwindled. I understand that this tends to happen with a lot of long-term relationships, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I know he is content with me and we both know we are in it for the long haul, but I miss those flirty, romantic little snippets of the day that made me feel desired and wanted by him.
Our sex life is fine but I feel like he used to never be able to keep his hands off of me. This now makes me feel as if I am no longer attractive to him despite him saying otherwise.
I’m totally willing to initiate sex but I really want to grab his attention and keep it there for longer than just that night.
How to I rekindle this flame that brought so much passion and desire to our relationship and keep it going?
Many thanks,
Slow Burning Flames
DEAR SLOW BURNING FLAMES: Let’s start with the obvious: the initial rush of passion and intense sexual desire in relationships fades. This is something that happens to pretty much everyone. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or you or your partner have fallen out of love or lost your attraction for one another. It’s just a result of a number of factors.
The first is just biology – when we’re having sex with a new partner for the first time, we’re shooting bolts of oxytocin and dopamine into the pleasure centers of our brains like someone hucked a Molotov cocktail into a fireworks factory. Over time, as we keep banging with that person, we generate lower levels of dopamine and oxytocin; it’s what’s known as the Coolidge Effect, after an apocryphal story involving President Coolidge, his wife and an experimental chicken farm. If we were to start sleeping with someone else, then the dopamine and oxytocin ramp back up again.
The second is that, in the beginning of a relationship, we and our partners are unknown. They (and we) are now an adventure that we’re on together, and everything is new and different and mysterious. We learn about one another, what each other is into, what we like, what they like, how to bring the two together, etc. There may even be issues that make getting together for some recreational hokey pokey more difficult, increasing that desire to see them.
But over time, the mystery fades. We’re no longer an adventure to one another, in part because we know each other so well. The sex can still be good, but it’s not going to be the new mystery and new experience that it was at the beginning. It can’t be, because time as we know it is, in fact, a linear progression of cause and effect and far less wibbly or wobbly than one might hope. And so the adventure eases and you reach a point where you will realize that you’re prioritizing a good night’s sleep or binge-watching House of Ninjas together over humping like weasels on meth.
And of course, there’s always good ol’ fashioned hedonic adaptation. One of the core reasons why humans are the dominant species on the planet is that we’re incredibly adaptable. We get used to just about anything… including wild and crazy monkey sex with someone unspeakably hot.
People gave Billy Bob Thornton s--t for saying “a woman can be the sexiest woman in the world, but after a while, sex with her is like f--king the couch” but, well… he’s not entirely wrong. Humans are an inherently novelty-seeking species, and novelty by its very nature can’t last forever. Eventually the novel becomes the known.
Now, compounding this is the fact that, over the course of a long-term relationship, it’s very easy to fall out of some of the habits and behaviors that couples had at the start. After all, the relationship is solid; there’s really no question about whether you’re going to see the other person again and so it’s easy to fall out of the habit of flirting or taking them on sexy dates and the like.
None of that means that you’re not as attractive to your partner or that your partner isn’t as attractive to you. It just means that the factors that made it effortlessly easy at the start are no longer in play. It only becomes a warning when those early relationship habits fade along with consideration and respect for your partner. It’s harder to keep the spark going when the only place you take them is for granted.
So in your case, SBF, you want to start from the place that you and your partner are still into each other, still love each other and still find one another attractive. It’s just that you don’t have the booster effect going on that comes with the new relationship energy.
But the fact that you no longer have that NRE doesn’t mean that you two are doomed. It just means that what came effortlessly at the start now requires mindfulness and making a point of keeping things going.
So what do you do about it?
Well to start with, you want to embrace your inner Gomez and Morticia. Part of what makes them one of the most romantic couples in pop culture is the fact that they treat each other like they only just started dating. The way that they compliment each other, flirt and express their affection for each other is a core component to keeping the spark alive.
Consider the last time you were flirty with your boyfriend or vice versa. Bringing that back – making little comments to one another like “oh god that’s so hot”, remarking on how sexy he’s looking today, etc. is part of how you can help jumpstart that spark. Yeah, it may feel cheesy or inauthentic at first; that’s more a matter of how long it’s been, than not feeling it. It may also require looking at one another with new eyes – remembering the person you saw when you first started dating instead of the person you see brushing their teeth at night – to inspire you… but the feeling is still there.
The same goes with dress and presentation. We all love our comfy sweats and joggers, yoga pants and oversized tees, but making an effort to look good for your partner helps keep the spark alive. Knowing that you are trying to look hot for them (and vice versa) is the sort of thing that makes them feel appreciated and encourages them to do the same for you… and responding to their efforts (and yours) makes you both feel seen and desired.
The hardest part is the novelty. Unless you and your partner are in very unusual circumstances – a long-term, long-distance relationship, where you can’t see each other more than a handful of times per year, say – it’s more or less inevitable that the mystery will become the known and the novelty will become the every day. But “hard” isn’t the same as “impossible”; it just requires a little lateral thinking. Since the novelty of a new partner is gone, then you’ll want to inject novelty in the relationship in other ways.
Consider your sex life; over the years, you likely fell into certain patterns – sex at the same time of day, same place, same basic positions, etc. One of the easiest ways to inject some novelty into the relationship and fire things up again is to change up the where, when and how you’re having sex. You might, for example, decide to have a moment of reliving being in high-school or college, trying to find a place where you and your snugglebunny could hook up without the interference of parents, siblings or roommates. Taking the car out to a remote location or an empty parking garage, hopping into the back seat and making out like you’re teenagers again can be an incredible experience. The chance of being caught – however small – can, likewise, add spice to the moment.
Or you might decide to rent a hotel room – knowing that you’re not going to have to be the ones to change the sheets or do all the little things that occupy your usual evenings – take an edible and go to town on one another. You might try sharing fantasies and take turns fulfilling one for each other. Or you may take things in a wildly different direction and try something that neither of you have ever done before. If you’re usually having standard-issue sex, this might be a good time to look into adding some light kink; even something as simple as a silk blindfold and basic restraints can transform things from typical to an adventure. Hell, if you’re both feeling especially adventurous, you might see if there are play parties or sex clubs – you can be tourists and watch or you might decide to participate in, say, one of the semi-private spaces.
Or you may decide to add challenges to when, where and how you have sex. You may say “Ok, not in bed or the bedroom” or “No sex without your having to do X first” or “Missionary is off the table; we can only have sex in other positions”. You may decide that you can’t do standard PIV and have to get creative about how to get one another off… anything that would force you to change up how you’re doing it and think about how to accomplish this new challenge.
The key is to change things up, do new things and add some novelty from new sources to what’s become routine. The nice thing about it is that not only is it fun, but the buzz and excitement you and your partner get from changing things up can become self-reinforcing. It’s a lot easier to get back into that flirty, can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you mode when you both feel like you’ve been f--ked like a champion… and that feeling encourages you to keep experimenting, keep seeking out new adventures and new experiences together.
Now with all that being said: this can’t be a one-sided affair… er, as it were. You both have to put the effort in. While you may be the one to kick things off, your partner should be doing his part too. You aren’t exclusively in charge of rekindling the spark; he’s got to work it as well.
You can lead by example, sure, but you need to use your words, too. Y’all may have been together for a while, but unless one of you suddenly unlocked your mutant-powers later in life, neither of you have become a mind reader. So be sure to tell him that this is something you want and something you want to do together. It takes two to tango after all… whether it’s the traditional vertical style or the horizontal.
Good luck.
�
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com