DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve taken a break from dating for a while, for many reasons (frustration, then pandemic, then rebuilding mental health, then keeping busy, etc.), but I think I’m just about ready to jump back in.
I’m doing the offline things that should put myself out there: I’ve joined some social groups, I’m doing activities that I’m passionate about, and so on. Now I’d like to add dating sites/apps back into the mix.
However, the only dating site I can remember ever finding useful was OkCupid, and that was only before it got Tinderified (reduced to swipe left/right).
Do you mind giving (or linking) a rundown of what the popular apps are at the moment, their pros and cons, and so on?
Thanks!
– Too Many Options On The Dating App Platter
DEAR TOO MANY OPTIONS: OK, first off, TMO, I’m gonna give you the same speech I give everyone: dating apps are a supplement, not a substitute for meeting people in person. They work best when you remember that all they really are is an introduction service for being put in contact with like-minded singles. Everything else after that is ultimately up to you – the quality of your profile, your ability to convey your best self in a combo of text and pictures and to connect with people over text. There’s no app or subscription tier that is going to help make “Dude With Fish” or “Me and My Truck” more appealing.
I say this because focusing overly much on which apps are hot and which are not is… well, it runs the risk of missing the forest for the trees. Different apps are designed with different audiences and relationship styles in mind. Tinder caters to a different crowd than Hinge, which has some overlap with Bumble but less so with FetLife. Facebook, as of the time of this writing, still has its dating service hidden in the mobile app, Plenty Of Fish still hangs out on the fringes, Raya and The League sell themselves on their exclusivity (i.e. “if you have to ask, don’t bother applying”) and of course, OKCupid still has the occasional glimpses of what it used to be… even if the quizzes are gone and the match percentages are far less useful than they were back in the day. And honestly, even then their value was kinda questionable.
The thing is, the popularity of an app doesn’t mean that it’s the right one for you, and the fact that something is the shiny new hotness doesn’t mean that you’re going to find success on there. One of the keys to success on dating apps means knowing what you’re looking for and where you’re most likely to find it. It doesn’t do you much good to get on the current King of Dating Apps if the majority of the user base isn’t a good match for you. Someone who is looking for a kinky partner who wants to tie them up and spank them stupid isn’t likely to find them on eHarmony, while someone who’s more of a serial monogamist isn’t going to have as much success on #open or Feeld as they might on Hinge.
So start off with a basic idea of the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Are you looking to date around casually, trying to find a hook-up or something long term? Are you more of a traditionalist in terms of relationships or are you more likely to want something that is more open and less committed? The more you know about the kind of relationship you want, the better off you’ll be in terms of choosing the right app for you.
Now as for pros and cons… well, that’s harder to quantify. As I said, much of your success is going to come down to your ability to present yourself and connect with others over text. The pros, to my mind, are finding the people most likely to be into what you’re into – finding fellow kinksters on FetLife, gay men looking for d--k on demand on Scruff or Grindr and so on.
The cons… well, a lot of the cons are going to be the apps themselves. One of the reasons why Tinder ate everyone’s lunch and took over the industry is that the swipe mechanic ensures that people spend more time on the apps, rather than actually connecting with people. This encourages a lot of shallower decision making, disincentivizing looking at profiles and putting more emphasis on the first pictures in the lineup. Part of why OKCupid was great back in the day – and why Hinge is one of the better options out there – was the ability to show more personality and convey more about yourself, as well as giving people more things to respond to.
Similarly, one of the drawbacks of pretty much any dating app is that – like social media these days – most of them are sorted algorithmically. This means that you have less control over who you see and who sees you; you’re more or less at the mercy of what the coders think would make someone a good match for you or vice versa. Part of the frustration that people experience on the apps is because of the way the algorithm decides who you should see. For all that people try to trick or counter the algorithm, you’re still never entirely sure if you’re not seeing people you’re into because they’re just not on the app, because not enough people swiped right on you or because you’re in a weird algorithmic black hole and can’t get out of it.
(Case in point: Hinge’s suggested matches for me are almost always either gay men or women exclusively looking for women. No, I have no idea why.)
Another issue to consider are the subscription tiers and in-app purchases. Almost every dating app has multiple subscription tiers and paid extras. The problem is that most of the apps’ subscription tiers are designed less to improve your chances and more to eliminate frustrations of the free options. Want to swipe on more than ten people? Well, better pay for the unlimited swiping. Going on vacation and want to see about meeting a special someone while you’re there? If you want to start laying the ground work in advance, better pony up for Passport Swiping. A lot of folks complain about “rose jail” – hiding more conventionally attractive matches behind the paywall and only letting you see the peons who also didn’t want to pay.
Other paid extras – boosts, Spotlight, Super Likes, etc. – are about either leveraging FOMO or promising to reduce algorithmic interference by ensuring that you’re going to show up in people’s feeds. The actual value of any of it is… well, it’s questionable. Remember what I said about how dating apps are primarily an introduction service? Well, that applies here, too; despite the marketing hype, Super Likes and the rest don’t make up for a lousy profile. It mostly just says that you were willing to spend X amount of money to try to jump the queue.
Now, if it sounds like I’m seriously talking down dating apps… well, that’s because I kinda am. They still have their uses as a supplement, but the line-go-up rot economy has made them a much more miserable experience. Whether or not you believe that Match Group and others cynically just want to syphon money out of your pocket instead of actually helping you find love, the golden age of the dating app seems to have passed. This is why I recommend that if you’re going to use them, you go in with the understanding that they’re not a panacea for loneliness and that throwing money at them is going to be an exercise in rapidly diminishing returns.
Take stock of what kind of relationship you are looking for and which apps are most likely to support meeting people with similar desires and only pay for the subscription tier that offers options that will actually benefit you. Unlimited swiping might be worth the money; extra boosts or passport options likely aren’t.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com