DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a straight woman (I like men) and in my 40’s and I would like a relationship and it’s very difficult to meet men. So, I looked online and I can’t find a dating app or website that seems applicable to me. So I Googled speed dating and I saw there was 1 event in my area. Just One!!!!!
I feel this community does not show any support in helping healthy dating / marriages and of course I am upset because I am single and I’d like a “partner in life”. My parents have been together all these years. But the men I meet don’t seem to value that “togetherness?”
I have met more than 3 men and it did not work out. One man wanted me to move away and another just wanted fun at 11 PM and another just did not want a relationship. I guess they enjoy being alone but want “company” sometimes? Anyway, should I start a matchmaking business in my area?
…And Where Are All The Gods?
DEAR AND WHERE ARE ALL THE GODS: Gotta say, AWAATG, I would think that knowing where the good men are and how to reach them would be a pre-requisite to starting a matchmaking service…
Ok, sorry, I know that was a bit snarky, but I do think that it’s actually a place to start from with your issue: you’re having a hard time finding the people you want to date and you’re frustrated. That’s entirely valid. Dating, like a lot of social activities, can be a wild and wonderful adventure for some and a frustrating slog for others. Hell, sometimes it can be both for the same people at entirely different times. And the way it can seem like you’re always beating your head against the same great wall can make it maddening.
Dating can absolutely be a struggle, and for women it can be especially difficult for reasons that are no fault of their own. If you’re going to want to find a relationship – especially a long-term one – you’re going to have to accept that there’re going to be false starts, poor fits and a certain amount of panning for gold. And even if you do find a guy who’s a good match for you, there’s no way to be 100% sure that this is the last relationship you’ll ever have or that it’s going to last as long as you might want. There are no guarantees in life; you and your future partner can do everything right and circumstances can still arise that might cause the end of the relationship. And while this can feel daunting or make you feel like maybe there’s no hope… well, part of it means having to change the way you look at things.
I hate to say this but sometimes the answer is to learn how to, if not love the challenge, to at least figure out how to make it less of a soul-searing headache while also not growing a callus over your heart.
Here’s a hard truth that you more or less have to accept if you’re going to be on the dating market: dating and relationships are, to a certain extent, a numbers game. As frustrating as it may be, three poor matches really isn’t that many in the scheme of things, and if that’s enough to throw you off… well, you need to be willing to brace yourself, because there will be others. You’re going to meet people who aren’t necessarily a good fit for you in one way or another. That’s not always going to be a failure on your part or on theirs, or even mostly anyone’s fault. Dating is as much about luck as it is about preparation and perseverance, and sometimes you get on a streak of bad luck and keep pulling the short straw.
But there are ways you can improve the odds in your favor, as well as not losing your mind in the process. While dating is a numbers game, that doesn’t mean that you can’t make the search more efficient. First and foremost, you want to know who and what you’re looking for – what kind of man (especially in terms of general personality, values, expectations, age, etc.), what attracts you and what kind of relationship you want. The more you know about your ideal partner and ideal relationship, the easier it is to weed out the bad matches, the poor fits and the time-wasters.
You also need to know where you’re willing to be flexible in terms of what you must have and what you’re willing to trade in exchange for getting most of what you want. As the saying goes, settling down does require a certain amount of settling for – nobody gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. What you want is a partner who has so much great stuff that you’re willing to forgo the things he doesn’t have in exchange. That doesn’t mean “lower your standards” so much as “know the value of what you get versus what you’re letting go of and know you’re getting a good deal.”
When you have this in mind, the next step is to conduct your life in ways that put you in the places where those men are likely to be. The cliché about luck being the intersection of preparation and opportunity is a cliché for a reason; the people who are the luckiest are the ones who deliberately put themselves into fortune’s path. This means doing more than just going to speed-dating events; it means seeking out things that you enjoy that will bring you in contact with people, including the people you want to meet. And that means more than finding the right singles mixers or speed-dating events. It means engaging in your hobbies and passions, living your life outside of work and home and having an eye out for people who seem like likely prospects.
This may seem tedious, I realize. But part of the way that you don’t lose your mind is that you focus on finding activities, groups and communities that you actually enjoy being part of, ones that you find fulfilling regardless of whether they’re full of eligible bachelors or not. Enjoying the search becomes much easier when you actually can enjoy the things you’re doing while searching. When you’re relaxed and having a good time, you’re much more likely to meet like-minded folks who are also having a good time and will appreciate having a good time with you.
You should also take another look at the apps. There are a host of different apps out there, for all kinds of different relationships. If you’re looking for a more traditional long-term relationship, them something like Hinge or Bumble may be more your speed than, say, Tinder. Finding the right app can be a useful supplement to meeting people – allowing you to see who’s out there without a massive time-commitment on your part.
But please notice very carefully that I said they’re a useful supplement to meeting people in person, not a substitute or replacement. Dating apps increase the overall population of men you might want to meet, but they have their own drawbacks. One of the biggest is that it’s very easy to get tunnel-vision in terms of matches. While many apps will let you get incredibly granular about what kind of person you want to meet, you run the risk of missing out on someone incredible who doesn’t necessarily line up with what you want on paper.
Dating apps don’t allow for serendipity, meeting folks who you might not realize are your type until you’ve talked with them. I know many couples who would never have matched on OKCupid or Tinder, but who’ve been in decades-long relationships because they struck up a conversation at a concert or because one of them was sketching at a coffee shop. This is why meeting people in person through your day to day life is still important; sometimes the guy who would be incredible for you isn’t the person you might expect. Increasing the odds of your getting lucky means taking chances, talking to people who might not be your usual flavor but still seem interesting or intriguing.
The last thing I would suggest is to recognize that the length or type of a relationship isn’t an indicator of its value or importance. As I’m often saying: not every love story is meant to be an epic poem or series of novels. Some are going to be a novella. Some will be a short story. Some may be a dirty limerick. But a relationship isn’t any less meaningful just because it didn’t end with one or both of you dying in the saddle, nor is it a failure because it didn’t last for years. Sometimes Mr. Right is only going to be Mr. Right for a particular period of your life; eventually you or he or both will have outgrown the relationship. That doesn’t mean that it was a waste of your time; it just means that this chapter reached its natural conclusion, and you’re ready to start the next chapter of your love story.
I know it’s rough. I know it can be frustrating. But nobody said it would be easy; just that it would be worth it.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com