DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just can’t seem to find a fully-grown, functioning adult of a man. Instead I always seem to attract man children who take advantage of my kindness and still expect to be coddled and spoiled after repeatedly disrespecting me.
I’ve had a number of abusive relationships in the past that I’ve managed to get out of, but even when a relationship seems somewhat stable, and the current partner isn’t actively being emotionally abusive as past partners have been, I find that I keep getting disrespected, and that my partners continue to devolve into man children…
Things might start out fine, they present themselves in the beginning as normal, functional adults capable of loving and caring for me, but then it seems like over time, the man devolves into a child – trying to fight me whenever I set a hard boundary, trying to debate aspects of my personality to try changing my mind about something I’m firm on; refusing to learn new things and adapt when adaptation is needed. Out of nowhere, he suddenly can’t help me, he might want to help but he keeps making excuses as to why he can’t, he seems like a helpless kitten who just can’t get anything right (and whether it’s weaponized incompetence or ACTUAL incompetence because they’re naïve varies).
Somehow I keep attracting man children. Actual, fully functional men just don’t seem to come my way, and when they do, they just don’t stick around long enough to consider a serious relationship with me.
So how do I stop attracting man children and attract a man capable of being a functional adult?
And if man children are all I can attract, how do I avoid becoming his mother and get the respect I deserve as a female partner in a hetero/hetero-passing relationship?
Not A Daycare Service
DEAR NOT A DAYCARE SERVICE: There are two different questions embedded in this, NADS, and it’s the second one that’s more important.
It’s not so much a question about why you’re attracting man-children; that would imply that this is a fault in you, rather than the fact that they’re overrepresented in the general populace. There’s a reason why “women only want the top 10% of men” and “the bar women expect men to clear is so low that it’s in Hell” can both be true. It’s not women only want the top tier elite, it’s that an astonishingly low number of men seem to be willing to put in work to be a good partner. And please note the deliberate emphasis on the word partner.
There are a lot of men out there who seem to feel that personal development, responsibility and actually recognizing a relationship as a partnership are things that happen to other people. This has been a significant reason why more and more women are choosing to forgo relationships and marriage and why more and more men are having a hard time finding dates.
Hysterically (and yes, that was a deliberate word choice), much like the increasing emotional isolation and loneliness that’s plaguing men, this is being presented as something women are expected to fix, rather than examining and addressing the social structures that men construct that isolate them and hinder their emotional development.
It’s worth examining where you’re meeting these men and what commonalities they may have, especially if those commonalities are things that you find attractive. It may well be that the pool you’re choosing from, or some of the things about them that draw you in correlate to this sort of behavior. If that’s the case, then it may be worth doing some self-examining and asking why those aspects appeal to you or if there’s something else going on under the surface. Some folks, regardless of gender, who find themselves dating the same “types” are often following a pattern that was set earlier – whether it’s the sort of relationships their parents modeled for them, early relationship experiences or even a sort of self-protection that no longer serves their needs.
However, that doesn’t always mean that there is something else going on. Sometimes it can be just plain bad luck. Your odds of running into a few in any random sample are relatively high, just by nature of how a lot of men have been socialized. Even finding several in a row doesn’t mean that it’s more than random chance. Things being improbable doesn’t mean that they’re impossible. Probability means that sometimes weird s--t happens.
It may also be worth asking if there are any commonalities among the men who had their s--t together but didn’t stick around. Taking a look at how those relationships progressed and if there’re moments in common where they bounced might tell you if there’s anything going on that you may not be aware of. There may well not be; they may just have been men that you weren’t compatible with through no fault of your own. That too, can just be bad luck.
But as I said: the important question isn’t why do you attract these man-children. You’re not going out looking for them, nor is it as though they’re wearing their douchiness on the outside like some sort of reverse aposematism. Like you said: the guys you’ve dated have hidden that aspect of themselves at first. The important question is: why do you let them stay once they reveal themselves?
Strong boundaries are how you keep them from getting purchase in your life. It’s much easier to ward them off when they’re still doing the “raptors testing the fences” behavior about what you will or won’t put up with.
While I wouldn’t advocate a “one strike and you’re out” policy, it’s probably a good idea to be mindful of the initial signs that someone you’re dating is acting like some of your previous exes – the pushing against your boundaries, the trying to debate your personality – and respond appropriately when they do. A warning is appropriate; it’s entirely reasonable to say “hey, I don’t appreciate this behavior and I won’t tolerate it if it continues. If you want to stay in this relationship with me, then knock it off”.
The men who’re worth dating are the ones who’ll realize that their behavior isn’t acceptable and they’ll make a good faith effort to work on it. Not all of the behavior is active or malicious; sometimes it’s just how they’ve been raised and socialized and nobody’s called them on it before, so they don’t realize it’s an issue. Because they’re generally good people, they’ll recognize that this is something they need to improve on and will actually do their best to do the work. They may not be perfect, but they’re also not expecting a bang-maid/mommy either, nor are they going to expect you to teach them.
So if they’re a little imperfect but sincerely willing to work on it – and prove it through their actions? You can cut them a little slack.
If, on the other hand, they then continue to act that way, or to act as though your having hard boundaries is a problem… well, you told them what you were willing to put up with and what you would do if they didn’t listen. Having a low tolerance for the initial line-stepping means that they won’t have a chance to stick around, and it’ll mean you’re wasting less of your precious time.
There may need to be a calibration period while you figure things out. If you’re especially sensitive to this sort of behavior (not to mention just being fatigued in general), you may end up with some false-positives or be a little extra prickly around certain issues.
It may take you some time and practice to figure out what areas are hard deal breakers and where you might be a little more forgiving (if any), and to reach a point where you feel safe and secure enough to lower your guard. That’s ok. You’re allowed to give yourself some grace after having a series of s--tty experiences. You can work towards being generous and hopeful while also not taking people’s s--t. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
It may take a little time… but hey, better to spend that time on yourself than to waste it on another man-child. Because as I’m often saying: nobody said it would be easy… just that it would be worth it.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com