DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 22M and I have a crush on a woman (23F) from my university and we were quite good friends when, for some reason, I started developing feelings for her after I broke up with my ex.
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I asked her out last September but she said her priorities are different at the moment (she might still be hung over her ex) and so I knew better and stepped out.
She had always been on my mind but I made sure not be too desperate for her attention, or ask her out again for that matter.
Cut to two days ago, we hung out with a common group of friends where she said she’ll dedicate “We don’t talk anymore” by Charlie Puth (as poking fun about the fact that we really didn’t talk a lot since I have been avoiding her thinking it might help with my feelings). She asked me how I was and if I still felt something for her and she said if it is ever to happen, it will, even if it’s 10 years apart. She then proceeded to say to talk to her and promised that nothing will be awkward between us.
While on the outer side, she shows how indifferent she is to the fact that she’s dating nobody, it’s clear from her online presence that she’s not over her ex. She comments something really clingy on her ex’s posts and he supposedly replies as well (He is in a relationship as far as I know) and she keeps posting songs and statuses aimed at waiting and fixing things with her ex.
All of this has put me in a spot as she’s the woman I’ve always wanted to pursue and hoped to date to marry even. But all of this really puts me out of perspective as to how I might not even get a chance to be a part of her life.
I am so stuck in this dilemma about how to act around her and how do I see myself through this situation and if something can work out between us. Can anyone please help me out?
Against All Odds
DEAR AGAINST ALL ODDS: Alright, my dude, I am going to try to do this as gently as I can: you’re missing your chance to be a part of her life right now, because you seem to be missing what she’s telling you.
Right now, she’s telling you that she misses you and that she’s sad that you’ve pulled away from her. She’s doing her best to be gentle with you and considerate of your feelings, telling you that she wants you in her life, that it’s ok that you’ve got a thing for her and she cares for you deeply.
I want to emphasize that: she cares for you a lot. It’s just that she doesn’t care for you the way you’d prefer. That’s not a bad thing. If anything it’s good. It says that she’s a caring and considerate person, someone with a lot of emotional intelligence and maturity mixed with compassion and affection. That’s someone you want in your life, the kind of relationship that can be really significant to you.
She does love you, my dude. It’s philia, the authentic and abiding love of a dear friend, an important and significant person in her life, not eros, but it’s still love and it’s still valuable and meaningful. It’s not a consolation prize, nor is it lesser just because it’s not romantic or sexual.
But right now, you’re not seeing that. You seem to be in a place where you’ve convinced yourself that the only way you can or should have her in your life is as a romantic partner and you’re putting so much emphasis on that that you’re missing the forest for the trees. You are building her into something she’s not and you’re pulling away from her because of that. As wonderful as she is, I can promise you: she’s not the only person you can or will love. She’s not the only person you’ll ever want to date, and I can definitely tell you that she’s not the only person you could ever be with.
Now I will tell you this part, knowing that you’re going to dismiss it out of hand: you are young. You are inexperienced and you’ve barely seen any of the world yet. I can tell you – from experience – that while you have the fantasy of marrying her, that’s not the same thing as actually knowing that she’s someone you want to settle down with. You are in love with your idea of her and missing the actual person underneath.
And here’s the thing: this has nothing to do with her being hung up on her ex or being deep in her feelings about it. That’s separate from her relationship with you. Even if I were to snap my fingers and she would suddenly be over him, that wouldn’t mean that she’s going to leap into your arms. It’s possible to love more than one person at a time, and she does love you. It’s just that you’re focused on one kind of love when she’s offering you a different one. And you’re at risk of missing that.
What you need to do is let the fantasy go. Recognize that the feelings you have are just that: feelings. The intense limmerent nature of them will ease up and fade once you stop engaging them. And if you can do that and see her for who she is and recognize what she’s asking for and what she’s offering, you and she will have a much longer and more meaningful connection than you are imagining. As you get more experience and mature, you’ll look back and see that.
Right now, you’re focusing on the lack and the “loss” – the idea of how to be with her and the knowledge that it isn’t going to happen the way you want it to in this moment. Avoiding her isn’t making those feelings go away, because you’re not letting the feelings go. You’re just pressurizing them, compressing them, concentrating them and ensuring that they’re taking up the forefront of your mind. What you need to do is see them, acknowledge them and then turn your attention elsewhere. If you stop trying to either force the feelings away or trying to figure out how to change her feelings, then the limerence will fade and you can get back to having your friend again.
She’s told you what to do. She’s said, straight up, what she wants from you. She wants you to be there. She wants you to talk to her. She wants you in her life. She misses you. You miss her. She sounds like a pretty awesome person and an awesome friend. Don’t screw up something great just because it’s not the precise flavor you’re hoping for.
Good luck.
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