DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I think I know what my issue is, and that it is unfixable, but I’m taking some advice from others, and I saw your advice to others, where I thought I’d give the advice a chance.

To paint a picture of myself, I am a 38 year old virgin, going on 39, through my own means, albeit, not intentionally. I grew up through some boys schools, was told when I was going to Uni by my dad that while women would be about, they were not for me. In our culture then (Sikhism), it’s not something which was looked upon well, and I was brought up in a relatively traditional household.

However, traditions don’t always work out, and I regret sticking to that tradition, and using escapist tactics I suspect as a coping mechanism.

Furthermore, I also work within a corporate company, with very few women within my workplace. Almost all are either significantly younger than me (I.e in their early 20s), or are married with kids. It is a similar deal for the majority of my friends and their friends. In essence, the old single people I tend to meet are via dating apps, which I have stepped away from. After all, Albert Einstein did say that stupidity is repeating the same mistake again and again, and expecting a different outcome.

I have a number of hobbies, which I do both alone, and with others, with me generally not turning down many social opportunities. These include cars, motorbikes, music & gigs, climbing, walking, cycling, cinema, DIY and projects around the house, or with others sightseeing, as well as wining/dining/going out.

I have been on a number of dates over the years. However, none of them have led to anything romantic. While I may have made friends via some, I have never managed to strike a romantic ‘spark’ from any of them. Several of them have enjoyed my company as a conversationalist, and have said they feel at ease with me, but nothing ever more than that.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shy of women. Sure, I can talk and be at ease with them, and engage in mutual banter; my humour is dry, probably as a result of a defense mechanism from years ago for unknown reasons. However I now make folks aware of that, stating that I should just be told if I’ve gone too far ; people I know have a habit of thinking I am being serious at times, despite it not being the case. But touch (basically a no from me, due to the fear of repercussions), compliments on their looks (On their actual achievements I feel I am fine with), are things that I truly struggle with, in all honesty.

I have for a while started dressing well, according to friends, even look good. While I doubt this, I do make an effort to go dressed as well as I can (without going OTT) when going out for a date.

I feel the above is down to the fact that I wrongly obeyed advice, when I should have broken it. Living at home throughout most of my life probably did not help matters here, as it only enforced the above. As I said above, it’s a huge regret of mine not taking some initiative to do things differently, so that I have ended up in the situation I am in today.

I noticed you mentioned a muscle needing working, before it withers away, with regards to ‘creating’ the skill of making that romantic spark. What above if that muscle was never used, due to being told what not to do, thus, it being too late? I suppose the analogy I’ve had for the past year is that if a person hopped on one leg for half of their life, they would not be able to use the ‘rested’ leg 40 years later, as the muscle, and the means of the mind to even know how to use the leg would not work well.

I have tried to come to terms over the last two years, with accepting that I will always be alone to the end, and not have a romantic or even a sexual connection with anyone (bar paying for the connection), which has been an up and down struggle for myself in all honesty. Dealing with that, and looking at the positives of the situation (I.e no breakups/heartbreak, fears of messy divorces which I have seen some friends go through, deceit, freedom to do as you please regarding holidays, plans, being there for friends and family and prioritising those to matter to you most etc.) can be a real emotional rollercoaster if I am honest.

I send this message as a last-ditch attempt to ask if there is anything I can do. If you are out of spit with what to advise, I’m prepared for whatever answer you hold, be it a means to either: 

-Suggest how I cope with being eternally alone, more than I am doing so at the moment

-A suggestion of how a dusty middle aged wreck can have one final stab before accepting his fate in life.

Yours sincerely,

The Eternally Lonely Bloke

DEAR THE ETERNALLY LONELY BLOKE: Let’s start with something obvious: you’re presenting me with a false binary, ELB. You have far more choices than “learn to be alone forever” and “I have only one more chance before I’m alone forever”. 

In fact, there’s a lot you can do. The question is whether you’re actually going to do it.

The problem you’re having isn’t that you’re an older virgin – there’re plenty of those – nor that you don’t have any relationship experience (ditto). It’s that you’ve already decided that the problem is intractable, insoluble and permanent and you aren’t doing the things that you would need to fix them.

The thing is, you have set yourself up to undercut your own attempts at improvement with this belief. If you’ve decided in advance that you’re already doomed and this is your inevitable future, then why would you bother putting in meaningful effort to change things? If you don’t believe the effort would actually result in meaningful improvements, then what would be the point of actually giving it an honest, deliberate and dedicated effort? By your own reasoning, this would be a waste of time and energy since it’s just going to fail anyway.  That more or less makes it impossible to change by setting up a self-reinforcing cycle; you don’t believe that you can actually improve, so you don’t put in the effort necessary to do so, which means that things don’t change meaningfully, which reinforces your belief that you can’t actually improve.

So if you want to change things, you have to start with changing your mind and your beliefs. And part of it is to recognize how much of this is self-inflicted. You mention in one paragraph that you have gone on a few dates but these have not lead anywhere and women – who liked you – didn’t feel any romantic spark with you. Then, a paragraph later, you specifically mention all the things you aren’t doing that are necessary to actually create that spark. You’re not flirting, you’re not touching them or generally indicating that you actually like them as more than friends or that you’re interested in a romantic or sexual relationship.

To quote one Savage, Adam: well there’s your problem! I mean, women (who also have to work to find and connect with potential partners) are only going to put in so much effort to try to draw out some signs of interest. If the person sitting opposite from them at dinner isn’t giving any indication that they’re attracted or interested, they’re not going to keep trying to make it happen. They’re going to assume that the other person isn’t interested and move on to finding someone who is.

Well, it’s like I say all the time: if you want someone to think about you as a potential lover, then you have to act like a lover, not a friend or someone who just isn’t interested. And as a corollary: if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently.

The place to start will be with your belief that it’s already too late and that there’s nothing you can do. You’ve already shown that you can change your beliefs –  you let go of the beliefs your parents foisted on you. So you know it’s possible. The key is that you have to be willing to do so.

That means you have to be willing to accept that you are wrong. Which is the hard part, in part because you’ve made this part of your identity. We have an almost instinctive inclination to reject things or beliefs that challenge our sense of self because we perceive those changes and challenges as dangerous and frightening, even when the changes would be a net positive. This means that you have to actively and deliberately challenge those beliefs and ask the question “what if I’m wrong?”

You also have to be willing to accept that being wrong means that yes, you’ve spent a lot of time not doing the things you’ve always wanted. That can be hard to swallow, especially when you can recognize that it’s the result of choices that you’ve made. This is part of why it’s much easier to assume that it’s too late; it spares you the feeling of embarrassment and shame at taking responsibility for your choices and decisions. And if there’s one thing that’s universal among the human race, it’s that we’ll try to avoid feeling shame and humiliation at all costs… even when those costs include our own happiness, now and in the future.

So, in asking and accepting that you’re wrong, you also have to be willing to forgive yourself for being wrong and making decisions based around being wrong. You have to be willing to forgive yourself and understand that you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. Now you have new and different information, and you can make different choices.

Case in point: your whole metaphor about unused muscles. You’re objectively incorrect on that, on many levels. Leaving aside that this isn’t how muscles work and that you can, in fact, rehabilitate and strengthen an under-utilized muscle, you’re also mistaken that you’ve never used it before. You have, and you’ve used it frequently… you just never recognized that this is what you’re doing.

What do I mean? It’s very simple: you have friends. The social skills you use to make friends are the same skills that you use to meet and date women. You’re talking to people, getting to know them, finding commonalities and building connections that become relationships. Those relationships are built through time spent together, bonding with one another, sharing insights and experiences and doing things that you enjoy with one another. You express affection and appreciation, show that you care and generally give of the emotion you want to receive from them.

Well hey, guess what? That’s literally how you date and meet women. The only difference is that your intent is to build a potential sexual or romantic relationship, rather than a platonic one. That, as I said, requires that you behave like a potential lover, not a potential friend. That, in turn, requires that you be willing to show people that you find them attractive and desirable, that you’re interested in them physically and romantically.

Which means you’re going to need to actually do things like tell people you think they’re attractive and demonstrate your feelings of affection.

Now this is going to require that you do things that, up until now, you have been steadfastly avoiding because you’ve convinced yourself that your expression of interest is inherently unwelcome and intrusive. You’re going to have to be willing to let that belief go and take those first, tentative steps towards actually expressing yourself. And yes, that means that, like a baby deer learning to walk, you’re going to be awkward and ungainly for a bit and you’re gonna fall down a couple of times.

But, like that fawn, you’re also going to be getting back up, taking more steps that are more steady and secure as you get used to what you’re doing, and soon you’ll be moving around with a degree of grace and skill. The only difference is that you’re going to have to consciously work through the pain period, where you’re aware that you’re still learning and that you have to think through the steps as you’re doing them. However, you already have experience doing this; this is literally how you have learned to do almost everything in your life. You just don’t remember, because so much of it was from so long ago.

Does this mean that there might be some mistakes or awkward moments? Sure… but those are not going to be as bad or as fatal as you think, and the vast majority of people you meet are going to understand the difference between malice and a genuine mistake, and will accept a sincerely offered apology. You can also avoid a lot of your fears by simply recognizing that you can use your words. You can ask, for example, if you can give someone a hug or take their arm in yours; in fact, asking “may I take your arm?” can bring a very gentlemanly vibe to the proceedings. You can say that you want to kiss someone or ask if you can – not only is this not a mood-killer, but when deployed correctly it can be very hot. 

But the thing that connects all of this is that it’s all going to require practice – deliberate practice, where you choose to do these things with the intent of expressing yourself. You can’t wait for things to be “perfect” or to find moments where success is guaranteed or risk is non-existent. Those moments never come and no time will be “perfect”; you have to make the moment happen, and the imperfections will be part of what make it perfect.

You also have to not be afraid of being imperfect yourself or having everything go exactly right. The sage once said that it’s possible to commit no errors and still fail; well, I’m here to tell you that you can also make mistakes and still succeed. Failing at something doesn’t make you a failure, nor does it make success impossible. You aren’t going to connect with every person you date or have feelings for, but that’s ok; that’s true for everyone. The important part isn’t succeeding every time, it’s that you’re making the attempts and not giving up because it didn’t work out perfectly the first time you ever stepped onto the field. Or the second or third time, for that matter.

If you can accept imperfection and practice as part of learning any other skill in life – and you already have – then you can accept it here, too. But first, you have to accept that improvement is possible, that failure is neither inevitable nor inescapable, and that you aren’t doomed to live alone forever. You have to accept your own agency in your own life. Unless and until you do, then nothing can improve. But if you can accept that you can, in fact, make changes and make improvements? Then you can accept that those changes and improvements, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, will stack and build on themselves, leading to the point where you want to be.

But that’s a choice you have to make. If you want to make things better for yourself, to have the love and companionship you clearly long for, then you have to take the steps to make it happen. You’re the only one who can; nobody can do it for you. In the end, it’s entirely up to you. The future is unwritten; you’re the only author, so it’s up to you to make it a good one.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Not sure if you’ve gotten these sorts of questions before, just found your site – but I have what I think might be a slightly different question from most.

I have a crush on someone at work, and I need to find a way to *stop* having it. Basically, there’s a woman my age in my department, and aside from being a really cool person in general, she’s one of those people that seems to just be naturally friendly and mildly flirty – nicknames and pet names over chats, leans on me sometimes when walking to lunch, asks me about my life outside of work, etc. I know this is mostly just how she acts, but the affection-starved mind goes “Maybe…?” And all of a sudden I find intrusive thoughts battering down the gates to my brain. This is inconvenient and undesirable for a few reasons.

First, I have to work with this girl near-daily in a small room with four other people. As much as our industry loves to present itself as having “laid back” company culture where we’re “all family” and whatever, I need to maintain at least some level of professionalism. Acting on any sort of feelings, mutual or not, would overcomplicate things, because real life isn’t an episode of the Office.

Second, I’m autistic – and while I’m pretty high functioning and high masking, I have a history of blowing these situations out of proportion or convincing myself I see possibilities that aren’t there. I’d rather not take that risk, even if I did think this was something more than just friendliness.

Third – I’m not even planning on being here much longer, as I have plans to go back to school in September in a different city, so what would the point even be?

All this to say, I would like to expunge these feelings. I’d like to avoid making my work life awkward and my social life embarrassing, because again, she’s a genuinely cool person I want to stay “work friends” with, but not so much I’d risk my job dynamic and my already fragile self-esteem, much less make her feel uncomfortable.

What’s your prescription?

Best,

Feelings F’in Suck

DEAR FEELINGS F’IN SUCK: Not gonna lie, FFS, this sounds like a “who’re you trying to convince, me or you?” kind of situation to me. The way you lay things out sound to me like it’s less of an objective “it would be better if I didn’t feel this way” or “these feelings are a problem” so much as “I would want this but I don’t think I deserve it/it would never work out for me because REASONS”.  

I also wonder if part of the problem is that you spend a lot of time masking – and let’s be honest, masking is exhausting to maintain. A lot of times, I see autistic people who work themselves into knots trying to hide being autistic or trying to force themselves to operate like they’re neurotypical when it would be easier and better for them in the long run to stop and work with who they are. To be sure, there’s a lot of social pressure for neurodiverse folks to mask and perform as though their divergence didn’t exist… and I think that ends up contributing to the neurodivergent feeling that acknowledging their divergence as anything other than a negative is wrong somehow. Or that asking for accommodation is somehow worse or more taboo than needing to expend twice the effort to get the same results.

But hey, you know you and your life better than me, so what do you do about these inconvenient feelings? Well… the short version is that you treat her like a friend and let the rest be. The thing about inconvenient crushes and the like is that they’re like fire – if you feed them, they grow. If you just let them be, they burn down and eventually burn out. So a lot of dealing with a crush you’d rather not have is learning to not feed the crush – both with your effort but also your mental bandwidth.

Part of why a lot of people struggle with crushes and can’t get rid of them is that, as paradoxically as it sounds, they try to get rid of them. But what this does is have the opposite effect; trying to force those feelings away just makes them that much more present in front of mind. All you’re doing is the emotional equivalent of trying not to think of Rue McClanahan dressed as Bluey; actively trying to not think it means that it’s just going to pop up more and more.

If you keep trying to tell yourself it would never work for reasons X, Y, Z and Z3, then you’re ensuring that those feelings are going to stay right where they are. You’ll even have tasked part of your brain to start possibly trying to find a work-around for those feelings. But if, on the other hand, you just note and name those feelings – “ah, there’s my crush on $CO-WORKER” – and gently redirect your attention, you aren’t reinforcing them. You’re not shoving them away so much as just choosing to look elsewhere at something that actually needs your attention just then. That other thing will then take its rightful place and necessary bandwidth, which won’t be occupied by fifty different processes that all involve your coworker.

Now, another thing to pay attention to is how much you’re investing in the relationship – that is, how much time and effort you’re putting into your relationship with your coworker beyond what’s necessary for work. This includes reaching out to talk, make plans and so on… the sorts of behaviors one might have with a friend or partner, but not with someone who’s strictly a work friend.

One of the truisms of the human experience is that the more effort we put in for something, the more we end up wanting it. This is part of why, for example, online and service games will often emphasize the grind; the more you’re trying to grind for a specific reward or result, the more invested you’ll become in trying to get it. So while the game itself may have ceased to be fun for you, you’ll have sunk so much time and effort into it that you’ll have changed your priorities from “having fun” to “keep playing the game because I NEED this”.

The same is true for relationships. A lot of people ensure that they stay stuck in “The Friend Zone” (standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone) or in one-sided relationships because they keep watering a dead plant. The plant isn’t gonna grow, but they’ve invested so much time in watering it that they have a much harder time letting go of it or letting it not be a priority. If you’re putting a lot of effort in your relationship with her that goes beyond what you might for a casual friend or a coworker you don’t have a crush on, then you’re ultimately reinforcing your own emotional investment in her.

This is why another part of easing a crush is to dial things back and not put as much work into things. Now, this often can end up feeling like you’re pulling away from them and dialing back the connection you already have… and in fairness, that’s what you’re doing. But to someone who genuinely likes you and wants to be your friend… well, that can be hurtful. So it’s hard to do, on many levels. It takes a delicate hand, especially if you want to maintain an actual friendship with her.

But there’s one more thing about your letter that leapt out at me: you describe yourself as a “affection-starved mind”. I think that, in and of itself, is something that you really should be taking more of a look at for your own sake. I wonder, for example, if that this is another way you beat on yourself and tell yourself that you aren’t “allowed” to ponder the possibility or actually believe that maybe someone could actually be into you. While I don’t doubt that you feel starved for affection and connection – most men do, especially now – I wonder if that’s less of a symptom and more of you running yourself down instead.

I do think that, regardless of what ultimately happens here, you should pay attention to how you think of yourself and how you define yourself. There’re hints in your letter that make me think that you, like a lot of autistic folks, see the autism label as a demerit or disqualifier, rather than a neutral fact. It gets easy to say “no, I’m just being realistic”, but it’s a little like “brutal” honesty; the people who most pride themselves on being brutally honest tend to focus on the brutality rather than the honesty. Running yourself down and being relentlessly negative about yourself isn’t honesty or practicality or realism; it’s just good old-fashioned masochistic epistemology. So while you’re allowing this crush to fade… maybe it’s a good time to remind yourself that you’re allowed to have crushes and be attracted to people, to want to pursue relationships and to be open to the possibility that hey, sometimes people really do like you, and a relationship with them isn’t inherently a bad thing that you have to deny yourself.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I find myself in a bit of a weird place. I’ve just ended a long stint as a caretaker for an ill parent, and with this newfound lease on life, I’ve been putting myself out there a lot over the past year looking for casual sex. And while I’m still a bit stumbling and awkward, I’m actually occasionally finding women who are interested in me! But it’s always been in situations that have made me wildly uncomfortable where I retroactively find myself wishing I hadn’t.

I’ll spare the full itemized list, but a few examples of the sort of thing I’m talking about: There was a time a group of regulars at a bar very kindly welcomed me into their circle, but when it came up that two of us were interested in each other, we kind of got thrown together and demanded to start fooling around for the group’s amusement, which I very quickly discovered was NOT my thing and kind of scared me off. There was a girl I met up with through a dating app, but the date suddenly started multi-track drifting right off the rails in the eleventh hour and I was already starting to feel on the fence about things. But I was dumb and horny and said yes anyway, and after getting pulled through a whirlwind couple minutes, I just kind of sat there with this sinking feeling of regret.

In the grand scheme of things, I understand that these examples are all fairly benign, common even, but the point is that I just have not been enjoying these experiences. Just bad times all around, man. The first few times, I just dusted myself off and moved on, but every time it happens again, I get a little more confused about what I actually want.

This, unfortunately, also maps to most of my experiences historically. In my blissfully dumb college years, I’d stumbled junk-first into just about every bad decision I could’ve in the name of sex — helping people cheat, getting back together with exes, getting over one girl by getting under her friend, just the full laundry list of every stupid game you could possibly play to win a stupid prize, and unsurprisingly, none of those were positive experiences! And when I got back out there this past year, a little older, wiser, and a lot more sure of what I wanted, I thought I could find casual sex without any of the moral compromises or uncomfortable situations I was used to attached, but here I am again. I just want to find sex I actually feel *good* about, where I can give that enthusiastic yes and not look back on it and feel regretful a day or a week or a month after.

I feel like the obvious answer here is that casual sex just isn’t for me and I should just go find a dedicated relationship, but I’m hesitating about whether that’s what I actually want, or if I’m even in the right place to try. The parent I was caring for just died a few months ago and I’m in the middle of a “career transition” if you catch my drift, so I’m already going through a time of great upheaval and I’m not really sure I want to add a relationship on top, or if it’s even a good idea. And I’m already blessed with a fantastic support network of multiple groups of friends, so I don’t even feel particularly lonely or in need of companionship. I’m just horny. And “getting into a committed relationship so I can get laid” feels like exactly the wrong kind of energy to enter into one with.

But the alternative, my attempts to dive into casual sex, have led me to a lot of places I just haven’t enjoyed, and at this point, I’m all spun around and need a reality check. Do I need to just get over myself? Do I just need to keep going, and eventually I’ll find what I’m looking for? Is there some other way I can be going about this? It feels like such a weird “first world” problem to have, but I really don’t know what to do about it.

Goldilocks

DEAR GOLIDLOCKS: So, before I get into solutions for you, I just want to double-check with you whether the issue is that you want casual sex, or you feel like you’re supposed to want it? Because the two aren’t necessarily the same, especially seeing as how it seems to always blow up in your face. And not in the fun, sticky way.

Now, I ask, because there’re a lot of guys who have experiences similar to yours – they pursue no-strings sex with people they don’t really know (or like) because they feel like that’s what they’re supposed to want. They frequently have “reasons” why a casual hook-up or one-night stand is what they should be pursuing, but more often than not, the real reason is that they feel pressured to choose that option. Sometimes they’re trying to prove something – whether to an ex, themselves or even to society at large. Other times, it’s just that they feel pressured to go for something casual or without expectations, even if that’s not really what they want or need.

So while your list of reasons why you feel weird about possibly pursuing a more committed relationship are valid and understandable, it may be worth digging into them. Is that how you actually feel, or are those how you feel right now, and you’ll have different reasons a few months from now?

But let’s work from the position that you know yourself well enough to know that right now you can’t offer what someone might want in a more committed partner… but you still also want sex. The issue I think you’re bumping up against is that this isn’t a binary decision – either sex with randos that make you feel weird about yourself or committing to the long-term. There are options in between those two poles that might work better for you.

On one end of the spectrum, you might find that a casual relationship or friends-with-benefits relationship might work a bit better for you than a “relationship” per-se. Now, to be sure, both of these are relationships of a sort, but they don’t carry the same expectations of monogamy or long-term commitment. In both cases, the general idea is that you enjoy each other’s company and have plenty of sexual and physical chemistry, but neither of you are looking for anything more than “we hang out and we bang”. In both cases, you have more of a connection – you may not be seeing each other exclusively, but you’re also not just coming and going… er, as it were. This has the benefit of feeling less impersonal or mechanical, but doesn’t necessarily feel like either of you have the responsibilities that might come with a more committed relationship.

It also has the benefit that you and your friend/casual partner aren’t expecting this to go the distance. Most casual and FWB relationships tend to be short-term. With FWB relationships in particular, more often than not people either end the benefits aspect or they end the friendship.

(However, often “ending the friendship” actually means “they transition into a more committed, romantic relationship”, not “we stopped being friends.”)

However, just because your relationship is casual doesn’t mean that you can treat each other casually, nor does it mean that you can just coast along without needing to actually think about things or communicate with your partner. These are still relationships, and it’s important to at least have a defining-the-relationship talk where you make sure that you and your snugglebunny are on the same page about what you want, what you expect and what you’re available for. It’s also worth checking in with one another and making sure that the relationship is still meeting your needs and theirs.

On the other end of the spectrum would be to embrace short-term relationships – essentially, serial monogamy, but with the understanding that this isn’t a relationship that’s intended to last a lifetime. It may not even necessarily be a relationship intended to last more than a couple years, if that. A lot of folks tend to discount short-term relationships, especially a relationship that is short-term by design.

There’s a lot of cultural baggage around dating and relationships that longevity is the most important factor in determining a relationship’s importance, significance and emotional weight. That’s not the case. Just because a romantic connection didn’t last for years or end with one or both of you dying in the saddle doesn’t mean that it was meaningless or less valuable. The success or failure – or the meaning and import – of a relationship isn’t defined by length or longevity; it’s defined by the connection between the people involved, how they feel during and after and what they take away from it. A short term relationship that ends where you feel like you’ve had a strong and meaningful connection with someone, possibly learned things about yourself or discovered new things and still have affection and respect for one another is a resounding success to my mind. A relationship that curdled into mutual resentment but lasted until someone died, to me, is a failure, even if it “lasted” as long as it did.

Those options are open to you. However, regardless of which direction you may choose to take, you want to be mindful of what it is that you actually want and to communicate this to the people you might want to date or hook up with. Being clear about what you want and and what you can offer is vital. If, for example, you know you are going to want to see someone semi-regularly but can’t offer a more emotionally invested connection or more of a focus on your physical connection, then say so. Alternately, you may say that while you want to date someone and are willing to be monogamous, your life is in a shaky place and you can’t offer long-term commitment.

And when you do decide what you want and what you want to pursue, make sure that you stick to it. One of the reasons why a lot of women dislike “casual” relationships is that a lot of guys will blur the lines between “casual” and “committed” – expecting more of an emotional investment from their casual partners while still not offering commitment or monogamy. The whole “want a bang-maid” or “extruded relationship product” thing is real.

This doesn’t mean that you’re locked in forever. There may be a point where you realize you’re developing feelings for your casual partner or you’re starting to feel that maybe your FWB relationship is coming to an end and you want to move towards “romantic relationship”. But in those cases, you want to actually have a conversation about where things are going and what you want, not just hoping that you can kinda, sorta just fall into something without saying the words.

You don’t seem to suffer for finding casual sex, Goldilocks, which makes this a little easier. The skills are functionally the same. The difference is that, instead of just letting things happen, you approach things with a little more intentionality and mindfulness. Know what you want, so you can ask for what you want and things will proceed much more effectively.

Good luck.

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