DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Mid-twenties guy with recently diagnosed ADHD and social anxiety disorder here, if any of that is relevant with my issue.
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Not a dating question per se but it feels adjacent. I started a new job in the last 6 months and things are going pretty well with my coworkers- I’m even invited out on the occasional social event in the evenings. Sounds great, except most of the time the venue is a cramped bar with music so loud you can hardly hear the person right next to you.
Despite quite a bit of trying, I feel like these types of venues, along with clubs and other dancing/music social spaces are poison to me. I always feel very out of place and like the very way I’m standing/sitting/moving through the space is wrong. Most of the time I’ll usually float around a group of coworkers and try to converse, but it gets very frustrating very quick for me to try and keep up with the conversation, like the overbearing sound coalesces like gunk in my head and clogs up my ability to communicate. (Seriously, why would you build a social space and then make the soundscape completely unfit for talking to people? I genuinely don’t understand.) At the most recent outing I was having such a bad time I left after just half an hour or so due to this. As for dancing or vibing, I’ve never been able to “let go” and shake off that omnipresent awareness of my body like most others seem to do despite trying.
Am I missing something here? Is there some component to the experience I’m doing wrong or not seeing in order to get the intended experience? I genuinely want to be able to function and have fun with everyone else in these venues, but I can’t tell if I need some major behavior/mindset shift or if I can safely say these places are just not for me.
I also worry some because it feels like basically everyone I meet here is a fan of these venues and, well, it seems like the best place to meet people around my age I might be able to connect with and ask out eventually.
Stranger in A Strange Club
DEAR STRANGER IN A STRANGE CLUB: Yes, there’re definitely a couple things that you’re missing – but it’s not nearly as dire or imposing as you may think. Most of what you’re missing is simple familiarity and experience. As I’ve said before: when you see folks who seem to have a level of comfort you don’t and who make everything look easy, what you’re seeing is the end result of experience.
If we take the club or bar as an example, then what you’re seeing with your friends is simply familiarity; they’re used to going to these venues and spaces and they feel comfortable in them because of that familiarity. They have experience with it, having spent time there. I promise you: all of them were new to clubs and rowdy bars and pretty much all of them had a learning and adjustment period as they figured out how to operate in them. They just seem at ease because you never saw the parts where they were awkward messes trying to figure out how to navigate the dance floor and how to speak loudly enough to be heard without straining their vocal chords.
(Incidentally, as someone who did a lot of time in noisy clubs and bars: focus on speaking from your diaphragm, not your throat. Acting classes and speech classes can be very helpful here).
The same comes from being able to just “let go” and let themselves move – it’s a skill that’s cultivated through experience and practice. Now, there’re folks who had an easier time learning this and putting in the time to gain that experience, but this was often because they had circumstances that supported their learning these skills. It’s much easier to learn how to groove with the music if, say, you have parents who taught you as a child that it’s fun to boogie or who encouraged (or didn’t discourage) you to let go and loosen up.
As for the noise: one thing you may want to look into are getting some earplugs. These days, there are a number of companies that make earplugs specifically for people with sensory issues – whether that’s misophonia, tinnitus, ADHD, autism or other forms of neurodivergence – as much as for protecting your hearing. Brands like Loop, Calmer or Earjob all have products that are sound reducing, rather than sound blocking, and they’re created with making it possible to function in loud, noisy and chaotic environments.
So it’s entirely possible for you – if you choose to – to learn how to be more comfortable in those spaces, how to relax and lean into the vibes. Taking classes in movement or dancing can go a long way. You might also try meditation or mindfulness, so that you can learn how to let go and focus on the now and just being, instead of letting the vortex of your thoughts leave you lost in your own head.
But notice that I said if you choose to do so. That’s a pretty big “if” and it’s certainly not required. There are places to hang out where you can meet people your age that aren’t as loud or boisterous – you’re hardly the only person who doesn’t like raucous environments, after all. You may want to do some research and find out what else there is in your town and see where the folks most like you are likely to hang out.
But the other thing I think you may not be considering is that you could speak up, too. Your coworkers clearly like you and enjoy your company if they’re making a point of including you and inviting you along. I doubt very much that your new friends and co-workers realize you’re having a bad time at these places. While I understand the anxiety and worry that this is conditional and that making too much of a fuss “will” ruin it all, you really can suggest another venue, or mention that these spaces hit your anxiety button extra hard.
(And frankly, if the result is just they stop inviting you to things instead of making an effort to find a place where you can come too? Then what you’ve really lost are fair-weather friends… not that much of a loss at all.)
As much as your co-workers like those spaces, you can say “hey, I want to hang out with you all, but could we find a place that’s a little calmer or less chaotic? I get really overwhelmed at $CLUB” I can promise you that there are lounges and social spaces (including having alcohol or music, if that’s what they’re looking for) that are a little more chill and more oriented towards hanging out and talking rather than dancing and partying.
And here’s the thing: your speaking up and saying “could we try X place instead” or asking about maybe a quieter and calmer joint doesn’t mean that you’re telling them not to ever go to the more energetic venues ever again. It certainly doesn’t mean that you’re demanding that they only go places that you like. You’re just asking for a little consideration and offering a wider array of options. There may be nights when they want to hang out at a place that’s a little higher-energy than you’re into and you can peace out, knowing that there’ll be times when they might go someplace a little more chill.
And if – again, I stress the “if”; you’re certainly not obligated to do this – you decide you want to put in the time to gain the experience and familiarity they already have in those spaces? Well, now you have some options for making it a less taxing experience… which would make it easier and more possible for you to learn to enjoy them.
Good luck.
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