DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading a couple of the recent blogs, and have also fallen into the rabbit hole of reading some of your older responses too. I find myself resonating with a lot of what your viewers write in about. I don’t feel that my situation is particularly unique or even interesting, but I wanted to write in all the same. For me, dating has never come easily, I’ve been single for a very long time, and I’ll be honest and say that I’ve completely given up hope. I’m attending my first ever New Year’s party this year, and all I can imagine in my head is being sat at a bar, alone, while I watch those with partners and close friends out having fun. It’s depressing.

I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf, but I’m certainly outgoing and likeable. I make it a habit of going places often enough, and I have a handful of people I get along with. However, I’ve noticed that I [don’t] experience the type of natural interactions that lead to close friendships or dates. For instance, I know many people who go to rock concerts that have met new friends or potential dates, but I’ve never had the fortune (which is even worse when I’m really into alternative women, but I digress). In many ways, it feels like I’m shielded from the rest of world, and that I’ll never get to experience what those around me have.

Sadly, it’s also lead to me developing the mindset of women being “unobtainable”, even though that’s not fair on them, and when I can acknowledge I’m attractive man with good qualities. The moment I see an attractive woman I find myself thinking that there is no way in hell she would ever want to be with someone like me, as the only experience I have is that they’ve never given me the time of day. I can’t see how I could ever think otherwise, because the evidence is there right in front of me. I find myself jealous of men that can meet and date these attractive women, I get sick when looking through social media, and it’s compounding into this deep sense of feeling unlovable.

I feel like I’m losing time with all of this. I know life doesn’t end at 25, 30, 35, 40 etc, but it’s like the ship has sailed and I’m waiting at the dock, hoping it will come back.

Left Behind

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Alright LB, I’m going to do something that causes me to grind my teeth when other people do it to me: I’m gonna zero in on a metaphor you used and pick it apart as though the nitpicking somehow invalidates the message.

But stick with me for a moment, because I think in this case, it’s going to be instructional to poke at this for a moment. Specifically, I want to poke at the “I’m a bit of a lone wolf” comment.

If you’ve been reading my columns, you may have read what I’ve said about the stories we tell about ourselves and how those affect our attitude and our outcomes. I think part of the problem you have is in the story you tell yourself and the way it colors how you see the world.

See, when we talk about lone wolves, we tend to use it almost as an admirable trait; you’re an iconoclast, blazing his own trail, separate from the others, so unique that you aren’t easily understood. In some cases, it gets folded into the whole “sigma male” thing that mutated out of the bullshit alpha/beta divide.

But actual lone wolves aren’t admirable beasts striking out on their own. If a wolf leaves the pack it was born into, it’s usually a temporary measure; they’re not staying alone because they prefer to be alone, they’re almost always finding new territory, finding or starting a new pack. “True” lone wolves are anomalies; they’re not alone by choice and they’re weak and isolated, cut off from the strength and protection of a pack.

When you call yourself “a lone wolf” type, that suggests to me a romanticization of a sort of self-isolation. Not even in the sense of “I’m an introvert who needs a lot of alone time” – introverts are still social, still make friends and still have relationships – but in the sense of the “I walk this world alone because that’s just who I am”.

I suspect that mindset of isolation, powerlessness and “being shielded” from others is the issue, more than anything else. The way you describe things in your letter are very passive – things don’t happen to you or for you the way they do for others. You “can’t help” but picture things or can’t imagine things going any other way. It’s just “who you are”.

But, as I’m often saying, “You” and who “You” are is a concept that’s always in flux. It’s true in as much as you decide it’s true. That “evidence” isn’t evidence, it’s just how you’ve handled things thus far and how you’ve chosen to look at it. You can say “It’s proof that it will never happen” or you can say “this just means it hasn’t happened, yet.” You can decide that everything that has happened up until now is definitive and permanent, or situational and temporary.

So far, you’ve decided that it’s definitive and permanent. But I would point out that you are the one who’s decided this.

The problem is: you’re setting yourself up for failure this way. I mean, shit, you’re talking about going to a New Year’s Eve party – an event that’s weeks away at the time of writing – and you’re already crafting a narrative in your head about how this is going to be an empty, lonely night of misery for you, alone in a crowd of merrymakers.

Well… yeah. That’s exactly what’s going to happen… because that’s precisely what you’re setting yourself up to expect. You’ve already written this off, long before you’ve even gotten in the Uber to go. You’re going to be wandering in with an attitude of “Nobody wants to talk to me, nobody’s going to even notice I’m here” and that’s precisely what’s going to happen. Why? Because you’re going to get there and likely sequester yourself in a corner out of the way, with the sort of closed off, anti-social body language that tells people you would rather be left alone.  As a result, you’ve paid good money to go and just watch other people have a good time, instead of taking an active hand in your own life. 

And taking an active hand is precisely what seems to be missing here. Part of the reason why you know people who meet friends and partners at concerts and you don’t is because they actively try to talk to people. They’re deliberately making connections with folks, even if it’s starting as two people bouncing off each other in the mosh pit. Even if they’re not going to the concert specifically to meet people, I’m willing to bet you that they’re of the mindset that they might meet cool folks, that cool people there are going to be excited to meet them, and they are open to the possibility of making new friends in the process.

That mindset is important because it’s going to affect not just how you behave, but how you see things. If you are going to an event with the mindset that nobody’s going to want to talk to you or you just aren’t someone who can do X, then you’re not going to see the people who might want to connect with you. Your eyes will perceive them, but your mind will tell you that you’re mistaken, that you’re misreading the situation or that there’s no way they’d want to talk to you. So you won’t bother trying to talk to them. Or if you do, you’ll do so with the attitude that you’ve already been rejected and so you just half-ass the entire encounter and then walk away with your metaphorical tail between your legs. And then you’ll take that as confirmation that you’re doomed to be alone and the cycle will continue.

So yes, I am telling you that part of the answer to your problem is to start talking about yourself and to yourself differently. Positive self-talk and a positive attitude sounds like woo-woo-feel-good-manifest-your-life bullshit… but it actually works. These are the things that Navy SEALs are taught as part of building the emotional resilience they need to get through Hell Week.

So maybe instead of describing yourself as a “lone wolf” type, think of it more as “I’m looking to establish my pack”. Instead of choosing to imagine a long, sad New Years Eve of loneliness, you choose to see it as a great night, where you’re up beat and excited to meet people, a night full of possibility and adventure that’s just waiting for you to reach out and pursue it. You don’t “acknowledge” that you have your good points, you celebrate them and recognize that people would be lucky to be with you. You don’t frame your life as as “the only experience I have is rejection”, you see it as “my rich inner life is incredible and the right people will connect to it when I share it with them,” and then resolve to actually share it.    

Now this isn’t my telling you to embrace a Panglossian level of delusion where you pretend that you’ve been a social butterfly your entire life and that this is merely a speed bump on your way to forming a social circle. Rather it’s taking the events that have happened up until now and changing the perspective that you see them from. Is it that you’re a lonely loser that nobody could ever love… or is it that you’ve been pulling yourself up from the dirt and your story is one of overcoming challenges, laying foundations and building your way to an incredible present and even better future?

To put it another way: was Luke Skywalker a go-nowhere, do-nothing bumpkin stuck out in the booniest of boonies in the Outer Rim, or someone who’s whole life was leading up to the moment where he answered the call to adventure? Rough beginnings in stories are what set the stage for arcs of growth and discovery, improvement and connection.

You’re the audience for your own story… and you’re the one who’s telling that story. So if you’ve missed the boat, you can stand at the docks and sob… or you can dive in the water and swim after it. Or hop a train to further up the coast and catch it at its next port of call. Or get a ticket and fly to the destination instead.

The past is merely prologue. You have the opportunity to start your story and change your story. So you may as well start now, telling yourself that this is going to be the year that you have an amazing New Years’ experience. Prime yourself to have a great time, right now. As cheesy and cringe as it may be, start looking in the mirror and talk about all the stuff you like about yourself and what makes you awesome. Talk, out loud, while looking at yourself, about the things that are going to happen, the people you’re going to meet and the adventures you’re going to have because by God you know damn good and well you can do this. Roll into that party with an attitude of “there’re going to be people at this party who I want to meet and who want to meet me. I’m going to have stories of what happened that night, and when I get to that party, I’m going to find them.”

The more you remind yourself that you’re not a helpless observer in your own life but the leader of your journey, the more you remind yourself that you have to take charge of your experience. Not a “I did it once or twice, half-heartedly, so clearly it’s not going to happen” but a “I’m going to make this happen and if God closes a door, I’m going to blow open a hole in the wall instead.”

You can either be someone that life happens to, or someone who makes things happen in their lives. Right now, you’ve been the former. It’s time to start being the latter. And the first step towards that is telling yourself how it was is what sets the stage for how it’s going to be.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, he has been open since the beginning about his porn usage, but he said he “wasn’t a huge porn guy”. Our sex life was great up until about the 2 year mark, after that it became less frequent and I became the main initiator. My boyfriend has heart problems, and so every time I’ve asked about it he’s said he just doesn’t feel like being sexual as much, which is fair.

Except the problem is I’ve noticed that he often jerks off after I go to sleep in the other room. I feel hurt by this because why does he so often wait until I leave to do the deed instead of asking me for some type of help? I feel inadequate or like I don’t look good enough for him to want me anymore and he would rather fantasize about random girls then even bother to have sex with me. This is taking a toll on my self-esteem. I don’t know if I should believe that the heart issues are all that’s going on or if he just doesn’t find me attractive enough anymore. Or both?

Laptop Widow

DEAR LAPTOP WIDOW: his is one of those times when I wish you’d included a little more information, LW, because there’re some details that might be helpful. The nature of his heart  condition and whatever treatments he’s receiving, for example, could be relevant to your problem, especially if he changed medication or started a new therapy. Statins, beta-blockers and other medicines prescribed for heart failure or other cardiac-related illnesses are known to affect sexual performance and libido. So it’s entirely possible that he’s telling you the truth – his condition is making it that much harder for him to be physically intimate with you.

While I understand the why it feels like he’s choosing fantasy over you, it’s important not to leap to conclusions without actual evidence. It feels like the obvious answer, but feels aren’t always reals, especially when those feels tie into any pre-existing insecurities or anxieties you may already have. The worst-case scenario feels more real in part because of the inherent bias we all have towards negativity; the fact that it seems obvious is often because it aligns with a negative outcome. You don’t actually know what’s going on in his head… yet.

The masturbating when you’re asleep doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s lying. One of the things about masturbating, especially with cis men, is that sometimes you don’t necessarily want sex – that is, the holistic process with a partner – but rather just orgasm. If he’s having issues with erectile function, low general desire, an inability to get off as easily as he had before… well, it’s not that much of a stretch to see this as his just trying to rub one out rather than ending up either frustrating you, himself or both of you. Waiting until you’re presumably asleep may well be an attempt to avoid the very situation you’re in – making you think that he would rather crank one out to Pornhub videos than have sex.

Alternately, there’re other things that could be coming up – stress at work, frustrations in the relationship, boredom with the kind of sex you’ve been having in general… or his physical attraction to has run its course and he’s simply not that into having a physical relationship with you.

It’s hard to say, based solely on what we know from your letter. 

Another aspect that I would like to know is whether he’s still physically intimate with you in other ways. Do you two still cuddle or have the same casual touch that you’ve had over the course of your relationship? Do you still have physical affection – the sorts of hugs, kisses, holding each other’s hands and all those myriad forms of physical contact that you’ve had over the years, or has that faded, too? Do you both still give other expressions of affection that you had prior to the sex falling off a cliff?

If you do, and the only difference is that you’re not having sex, that would suggest that maybe it is a matter of his heart condition. If you don’t… well, that would lean more towards his possibly being on the way out of this relationship. But possibly isn’t the same as “is”.

The only person who could answer this for you definitively, however, is your boyfriend. So he’s going to have to be the person you ask.

So far, he’s been evasive, blaming his lack of interest on his heart condition. That may be true, it may be a face-saving white lie (especially if he’s having erectile dysfunction or can’t get off during penetrative sex), or it may be a lie of convenience to get you off his back. And the way to get to the heart of the matter is to have an Awkward Conversation.

In this case, you’re going to want to lead off by telling him not just that you’re bothered by the lack of sex in your relationship, but the way it’s making you feel. Considering the potential nature of the problem, you’re going to want to make sure that you’re using “I” statements – this is about how you feel, rather than accusing him of lying or doing something maliciously. Whether he’s embarrassed and feels emasculated by his condition or he’s just not interested in you sexually, if he feels attacked, he’s going to get defensive. Making this about your feelings on the matter and the way it appears to you can help facilitate an actual discussion, rather than leading to him just shutting things down.

Tell him that his seeming to choose porn and masturbating over sex with you is making you feel undesirable and how it’s hurting your self-esteem. Tell him that you’re feeling distanced from him and that just saying that it’s the heart condition when he’s jerking off at night makes you feel unwanted or that he’s choosing fantasy women over you, even if he doesn’t necessarily want actual sex.

Let him know that you want to know what’s actually going on and why knowing will help, and what you’d be willing to do to help – assuming there’s anything you can do.

Then let him share his side of things. Hopefully, he’ll open up and give you the actual truth – even if its’ unpleasant, at least knowing what’s going on will make it easier to decide what you two will do next. If he continues to insist that it’s his heart condition and doesn’t elaborate… well, honestly, that would make me think that it’s more that his desire for you is lower and he doesn’t want to tell you to your face. Or it could well be that he’s not ready to admit that he can’t get off the way he used to and needs more friction or pressure or specific acts to gain and maintain an erection or to finally get off.

You’ll have to weigh what you know about him, how he’s acting with you outside of the bedroom and whether the other signs of love and affection are still there. If they are, then that’s a better sign and possibly an indication that couples counseling with a sex-positive counselor would be helpful. If they’re not, then it’s going to be time for you to decide how long you’re willing to go without the sort of intimacy and connection you want from a romantic partner.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few weeks ago I went to visit my maternal grandfather and uncle (who is mentally handicapped) in Quebec’s Eastern townships, near the Vermont-Canadian border. I had come to visit my grandfather because he was lonely, as all of his friends had recently died. During that time period he insulted & berated me constantly, calling me a chronic drunk, saying that I was of “bad character” because of the shoes I wore, and telling me that I was “dumber than a dog”. He also insulted my mom on multiple occasions because she still maintained contact with my maternal grandmother’s side of the family after my grandmother died. My grandfather and I have always had a rocky relationship with each other, when I was very young (0-9) he was fairly doting but after my younger cousins were born he became a lot more harsh & critical towards me & my younger brother. According to my mom this is because when she was growing up my grandfather favoured her 2 youngest siblings over her & my uncle because they were closer to him in personality & looks than my mom, who looks a lot like my late grandmother. My youngest aunt & uncle have made it clear that they despise my mom & my immediate family in general.

My grandfather did not have the happiest marriage, to be honest. He got married extremely young to my grandmother & only married her because of her glamorous movie star looks. My grandfather & grandmother had nothing in common personality wise, she was a party girl who wanted to live a glamorous lifestyle in Montreal while he was a boring accountant content with life in rural small town Quebec. My grandmother also had an alcohol abuse problem, something that got worse because of their lifelong unhappy marriage. They separated but did not ever divorce because of their conservative religious upbringing. As a result my mom & her 3 siblings had a very unhappy childhood. My grandfather & aunt & uncle blamed the unhappy marriage on my grandmother’s alcohol abuse problem but honestly both of them were at fault for the unhealthy marriage. My grandmother doted on me & my brother when we came to visit (until she died) but the situation was always tense visiting them growing up.

I thought that my relationship with my grandfather had improved after my grandmother died. I decided to visit him when I was in university and he was glad to see me then, he took me out for beer & said that he wanted to be there for me on my graduation day. But I guess things changed because he was very hostile to me a few weeks ago & blew up when I told him I didn’t like it when he insulted my mom & I. I left his house a day early on a very angry note.

Is it worth trying to salvage the relationship between me and my grandfather? I want to have a good relationship with him after all he is my grandfather & grandchildren are supposed to cherish their relationships with grandparents. I just don’t see how I could repair this relationship when it has been shaky to awful to begin with…

Family Drama

DEAR FAMILY DRAMA: Here’s my question for you, FD: do you actually want to try to repair things with your grandfather? Or are you doing this out of a sense of obligation – the “grandchildren are supposed to cherish their relationships with their grandparents” issue you mention?

I ask because… well, honestly, I’m not sure your grandfather’s actually earned a relationship with you. It certainly sounds like he doesn’t really want one, and the way he’s behaved in both the past and present suggests that there isn’t much hope for one in the future.

Not, mind you, that this is inherently a bad thing. Quite frankly, I am not a believer that just being related to someone entitles them to your love, respect or a place in their lives, especially as we grow up. The old chestnut of “blood is thicker than water” is one of those sayings that people often misunderstand because they never hear the whole saying. We assume that it means “family comes before everything else”, but the full saying is ”the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” – that is: the chosen family is ultimately more meaningful and more important than one’s family by birth.

That doesn’t mean that your biological family is unimportant by definition or that they will never matter as much as the family you choose to make. Your biological family can still be your family of choice. But that relationship isn’t automatically and inherently more important than any other, requiring your love, respect and place of importance in your life just because you share DNA or a name. And frankly, the idea that family automatically deserves your respect and love has caused a lot of harm as folks break themselves to pieces to maintain a relationship with family who only ever hurt them.

Now, it’s entirely possible that your grandfather has issues affecting his cognition and emotional regulation. That sort of night-and-day flip, where he’s suddenly insulting you and your mother after seeming to be warmer and friendlier to you feels very abrupt. If he has his own drinking problems or some sort of cognitive decline, that can cause people to lash out – often viciously and seemingly without reason.  The same goes with any feelings of loneliness and isolation as he gets closer to death; these might be weighing on him and rather than managing his issues in a healthy or productive manner, he reacts like a scared, cornered animal.

However, if he does have those issues… well, that doesn’t change the way he treated you, nor does it obligate you to eat s--t and pretend it’s steak. Especially considering how he and other members of his family have treated you and your immediate family. Having a relationship with you isn’t something that’s given automatically; it’s a privilege that people, including your grandfather, have to earn. And considering the misery he seems to have caused over three generations… well, frankly, he’d have a lot of work to do to try to make amends for a lifetime of s--tty behavior.

(And honestly: I’d be willing to bet your grandmother’s alcoholism was as much a matter of self-medicating from what sounds like a miserable marriage as some sort of inherent flaw in her as a person…)

You aren’t required to have a relationship with him at all, or even to consider him as family in anything other than the technical sense. The fact that you and he share DNA doesn’t create a requirement that you stand there and take his abuse, especially if he’s continuing to treat you, your mom and other members of your family like s--t. It takes two people to have a relationship and two to repair one. From what you’ve described, you’re the only one making any of the effort, or at least for longer than a few hours. It doesn’t seem like your grandfather has had any real interest in having a new one with you or repairing the old one. And if that’s the case… well, he’s made his choice, and his choices drove you away. That’s a him problem, not a you problem. If he decides he wants a connection with his daughter and grandsons, then that’s entirely his call. He can put on his big boy pants and actually do the work to make amends and repair years of generational conflict.

Until then? He made his bed. Now he gets to lie in it. 

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com