DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an independent woman, financially and otherwise. I have no desire to remarry and I’m not sure that I ever want to live with a man again. I also have a teenage son at home whom I am very close to.

So, I’ve been dating a man (J) for the last 2.5 years. We met 5 months after his 22 year marriage ended (I’ve been divorced a few years). J loves me and would like a future with me. There are however a few issues.

One is that he has a problem with boundaries – he had a couple of emotional affairs (at least that’s what his ex-wife called them). One was with a younger colleague that he was texting non-stop for 6 months – first thing in the morning, on his way home, giving her relationship advice and a shoulder to cry on. She felt that he was offering more than friendship and when it became apparent that he wasn’t, it blew up. She asked him not to contact her, he was worried he may get fired so he came clean to his wife, and that was the end of it. Part of J’s issue was that he used his Christianity as an excuse ie. “it’s part of my faith to help people – listen and offer support in any way I can” – coincidently this seemed to only extend to younger, attractive women.

The other was with a friend of his (and to a lesser extent his wife’s). The friend (K) and J spent a great deal of time together as they shared a hobby. They also messaged nonstop, including when she travelled overseas with her husband and kids. Much of the texting was him offering her support as her marriage was failing and a lot was just chatter. It was apparent to all that he was infatuated with K (his wife would say in love with her.) It’s clear that the feelings were not reciprocated, instead it seems that the K enjoyed the attention and being a priority in J’s life. When J and his wife went to couples therapy for this issue, they decided that he and K should see less of each other and cease the hundred texts per week contact. This lasted 6 months and then they fell back into the same old pattern. K on a couple of occasions was happy to undermine the wife and encouraged J to have contact with her. This whole saga all unfolded over 4 or so years.

Fast forward, J and K are both separated. You would think that they are free to hang out as often as they like, but no. J tries to continue the friendship but K has limited contact with him. J finds out that his ex-wife and K have agreed that K and J would not see each other for an undefined period of time (they’re part of a larger friendship group so I think this had a lot to do with K wanting to appease the wife). A few months later, I come into the picture, K finds out and all of a sudden ramps up her contact with J, and tries schedule meet-ups. K also tells the ex-wife that J is dating me. After many discussions with me, and it becoming apparent that I was not going to put up with his toxic friend, J decides to end his friendship with K.

J has been good to his family financially (he has two girls, 15 and 25) He continued to have joined finances (like they were still married) with his wife (he earns 3 times more than her and she works part-time) for a year and a half after they separated. His wife tries to take advantage financially at every opportunity and he is not good at saying no. He also can’t afford all the demands she makes. She also demanded J and I not see any of their mutual friends for a period of time – we did not concede this one.

J spends time with his eldest daughter but I wouldn’t say he was close to either of his children – they are very close to their mother. His daughters have not shown any interest in their father’s life and that includes me. I have met the youngest as J has her a couple of nights a week, but not the oldest daughter (she’s not interested). His oldest became engaged a few months ago and I was not invited – the daughter said it was because she was keeping the numbers tight and there were no plus-one’s. I don’t believe this as it was not a very formal affair – stand up finger food where one additional person would have made little difference.

The drama is set to continue as the oldest will be getting married in a year and a half and J would like me to attend. I cannot see J being allowed a plus-one this time either. I’m not fussed about actually attending and am more concerned about how J feels. The other important person in J’s life is his mother who lives overseas. She is lovely. We’ve had a few video chats and we are quite fond of each other.

I would really appreciate your thoughts on the above and also how you think we should handle the upcoming wedding? I really like J but I’m struggling with knowing whether I can trust him (given the emotional affairs and not seeing K’s for who she really was), him being a people pleaser, and the drama that (although not constant) seems to unfolds every so often.

Premium Cable Family Drama

DEAR PREMIUM CABLE FAMILY DRAMA: Hoo boy.

This is an interesting letter, FPCD, because I’m a little torn. On the one hand, I think there’re definite issues that need to be addressed here. On the other… well, honestly I disagree with the way some of these situations or relationships are categorized and which aspects are actually problems.

Let’s start with the whole “emotional affair” thing. To be perfectly blunt, I take a dim view of the idea of “emotional affairs”. Much like with “micro-cheating”, whenever I see someone talk about their partner having an “emotional affair”, what they usually end up describing is… well, friendship. An emotionally intimate friendship perhaps, but still just friendship, and one that likely wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if it were between two straight people of the same gender.

That’s one reason why, frankly, I wonder whether this is only something that occurs with younger, attractive women or if those are just the ones that garnered people’s attention.

The only lines that seem to be crossed is the idea that the “cheating” partner is close with another person and having the sort of closeness that the other partner feels should be reserved exclusively for them… which often tends to have the effect of isolating the “cheater” from their friends.

(And this gets particularly problematic when you consider how emotionally isolated a lot of men are and how women are often seen as the only “acceptable” venue for emotional intimacy for men…)

And if I’m going to be honest, I think the ex-wife is a far bigger problem here. While it certainly seems like J has issues with boundaries and people-pleasing – more on that in a moment – it’s his ex-wife’s behavior that sets off my Spidey-sense. His ex seems to have devoted a lot of time trying to control J, directly and indirectly, up to and including after they’re no longer in a relationship.

The fact that she felt entitled to dictate who J could and couldn’t be friends with after the divorce and the way that she’s roped others into monitoring his relationships, I’m having a hard time seeing him as being the bad actor in this situation.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think his friends are all that great either. His coworker blowing things up when it became clear he wasn’t going to date her, K letting his ex-wife say “you two won’t see each other any more,” and then looping her in when J started dating you… honestly, none of these people are covering themselves in glory and it makes me wonder what the hell J saw in them in the first place.

However, they all seem to be minor players in this drama, while his ex-wife apparently sits at the center of this particular web, tugging on whatever strands of his life that she still has access to. The fact that she feels entitled to dictate who he is or isn’t allowed to be friends with or who he can introduce to mutual friends, long after their relationship ended, is the sort of things that make me doubt that she’s an honest actor in all of this. That includes his relationship with his daughters.

In fact, the wedding issue is a prime example of this. I realize that “she’s turning my children against me” is one of the rallying cries of s--tty deadbeat dads the world over, her previous behavior does make me wonder just what she’s been saying about him to his children.

While folks are allowed to have the kind of wedding they want (and can afford) with the guest list they prefer… there comes a point where people are being performatively mean, controlling or just plain rude for no real reason.

It would be one thing you and J had been having an affair and that’s why he and his wife got divorced. I would be sympathetic to the idea of “I want you there, but not the jezebel who broke up my parents’ marriage”. Similarly, I could understand not inviting you if you and J had only just started dating. However, by the time his eldest daughter got engaged, you’d been dating for at least two years. I think most folks could agree that this would be more than enough to say that this was a serious relationship. Excluding you seems to be a deliberate, pointed snub – the cut direct, as it were. Which is something she’s allowed to do – it’s her wedding, after all – but it’s the sort of behavior that comes with consequences down the line.

Not, mind you, that I think she’s all that concerned; she hardly seems to be worried about having any relationship with him.

Frankly, I think J would be justified in attending the ceremony but leaving before the reception, or sending his regrets and a toaster. But if I’m going to be honest with you? I think the point is moot.

I don’t think the issue is that J can’t be trusted; I think it’s his ex-wife who is the dishonest one in this and I don’t buy her take on what J was doing. I think the issue is that, frankly, J has next to no boundaries and seems to be a people-pleaser besides. Those are things that he should be addressing. However, while I’m a believer that the past is merely prologue, there is some truth to the fact that previous relevant behavior is a good predictor of future outcomes. J went for 22 years with weak boundaries and allowing other people, especially women, to walk all over him. I don’t think that’s likely to change any time soon. Certainly not unless he is motivated to change it himself… and that motivation needs to come from within. While I’m sure that if you were to push for him to establish stronger boundaries or talk to someone about the origin of his people-pleasing tendencies he would… but I suspect that this would end up being another entry on a list of things that he’s doing because someone else pushed him into it.

Ping-ponging between the desires of people with stronger personalities than his is the sort of thing that is going to end up being exhausting for pretty much anyone who’s dealing with him, and that’s going to include you.

I think, in the end, you should consider whether you want to stay with him. I think the drama is going to continue indefinitely, since he doesn’t seem to be willing to stand up to anyone. Even if his ex-wife were no longer in the picture, other people are going to see his lack of boundaries and latch onto him like a lovesick lamprey. This is going to put you in the unenviable and undesirable position of having to monitor him, not for affairs or nefarious secrets, but for other people trying to use his excessive willingness to give people access. At best, that’s going to end up being exhausting. At worst… well, it’s likely to curdle the affection you have for him into resentment and worse.

If he shows genuine signs of being willing to establish and enforce boundaries – including with you, I might add – then that would be a positive sign. But if he isn’t? Then that’s as good a sign that your present is also going to be your future with him.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Should I date when I am essentially a sociopath? I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. I’m not exactly some cackling TV sociopath and I certainly don’t fit the description of the Antisocial Personality Disorder either.

But I do have some traits that concern me regarding this.

I do not feel/have any attachments to other human beings.�While I have no desire to hurt other humans, I don’t exactly care about them either (emotionally), no matter how “close” we are, no matter if it’s friends or family.

Where other people are sad if people they like die, or go missing or move countries or whatever, I feel nothing at all. I can be vulnerable to them if I want. I still do not bond, but it makes them bond harder to me, I noticed.

1. I have zero affective empathy. I cannot feel other people’s emotions to save my life. This also means I can’t be happy for them, when they are happy, or sad for them when they are sad. Now, I do have cognitive empathy, which is why I use this to run the accepted social script. So if a friend is sad for example I listen to her/him, try to comfort and let them vent.

3.  No Group Emotion. Other people seem to have this strange emotion to want to belong to a group. This has puzzled me to no end. I have friends, and I have friend groups, but I seem to lack the desire and this “We” emotion entirely, for a lack of a better term.

4. I do not get lonely. During Corvid my work shut down, and I was basically isolated for 1 month. That was pretty chill actually. While I can enjoy myself with other people, I do not carve it, so I periodically have to remind myself to meet friends and other people in my Life, since I have no emotion that does.

Case in point: one time I was seeing a friend again after 2 years, and his reaction to my reaction of meeting him again was: “Dude, we haven’t seen each other in 2 Years, and you act as if we had just seen each other yesterday.“ Me: “Well what’s the difference?”

Now I am a 29 year old male, and I have kept away from dating due s--tty childhood experiences. I am quite intrigued and would like to try this dating thing for a bit now.

I used to have a fear of women, because of my s--tty childhood, where my mother told me every day how women are superior to men and how men should serve women.

I know that sounds like I am prime target material for MGTOW, incel, PUA and other groups, but for one; I don’t really do group emotion, and for two, flipping the narrative and making woman the bad guys, is exactly the same thing my mother did just gender flipped. No thanks.

That being said, after going on a few speed dates and asking a couple of woman out in bars, I managed to conquer my irrational fears about woman. I also cut off contact with all of my toxic and abusive family members entirely. (which in my case meant all of them.)

The thing is, I know myself. I can see myself building a relationship, and then when I am “done” with the experience, I can see myself ending the relationship, causing the woman I dated pain and confusion to no end since she attached to me, but I didn’t attach to her.

The thing is I have repeatedly abandoned/ended relationships (friends, family), in my life. Not out of any malice, but simply because I wasn’t getting anything out of it.

I mean, I am a person who gets very little out of relationships to begin with. Most people I keep around, I keep around because we have the same interests, or because they entertain me to some degree.

While other people might need emotional support from time to time this does not apply to me, since I cannot feel it anyway. I have met some genuinely kind people in my life who tried, but even then I could feel nothing at all.

I am not entirely selfish; I very much try to help other people around me if it costs me little to nothing, because, why not? I also try to help and be supportive my friends, as long as its eats not too much of my time.

I very much subscribe to a philosophy for enlightened self-interest much like yourself.

I can understand that this all sounds a bit horrifying for a normal person to read. I would like to add that funnily enough, because of these traits I am in fact a rather easygoing, peaceful, nonjudgmental individual:

Since I don’t really do “group” emotions, things like racism and sexism, seem silly to me. I mean people are individuals, judging people as groups is simply useless, in my opinion. Why would one individual in a group, be worse or better than another? It’s simply a random collection of humans, who could be in that group for an infinite possibility of reasons.

Abuse, harassment, and in general treating other people like s--t, seems to me like a horrible long term strategy. I have negative emotions sometimes, but taking them out on other people is idiotic, and is likely to make the retaliate sooner or later.It’s much more productive to manage them quietly myself. (without suppressing them.)

I am very pragmatic. If I can’t get something I want, I look for other ways, and if there are none? There are none. It is weird to me that so many people throw a hissy fit just because they can’t get something (or someone).

In general I treat people nicely, and always try to work out compromises. This only changes if I meet antagonistic people who stubbornly and repeatedly try to antagonize me and refuse any form of diplomatic solution. Such people I remove. If that’s not possible I might remove myself from the group/situation.

I am also very good with rejection, since I take nothing short of physical assault personally. I am not her cup of coffee? Ah well, so what?

Now I think I have given you a good overview about how I am, now to my questions:

Should I date woman, or should I avoid it/ stick to casual only to avoid hurting them? Is it even possible for a person like me to have a long term relationship?

How would I go about making a friendship+ ?

What is even expected of people in a romantic relationship?�I kind of get that is a question that should be asked at ones partner, specifically what they expect.

Being monogamous and not f--king other people seems to be standard as well. But that can’t be all there is. So what else is in general expected?

Lastly I wanted to thank you. I read your blog for years, and it has helped me to develop my cognitive empathy to understand other humans better.

I have also talked to mental health professionals at length, but since I do not suffer from my state of being, there isn’t exactly much they can do for me.

Best regards�Somewhat Sociopathic

DEAR SOMEWHAT SOCIOPATHIC: The first thing you really should do is stop using the wrong label, SS. This is one of the reasons why a lot of “therapy speak” and the misuse of therapeutic terms makes me grind my teeth. These are terms with actual clinical and diagnostic meanings and the popular misuse of them not only makes it harder for people to get help, but they end up being misapplied in ways that end up hurting other people.

Antisocial Personality Disorder and sociopathy isn’t just a lack of empathy for others. It tends to include other symptoms such as a tendency towards emotional dysregulation, manipulative behavior (through threats, lies, coercion, aggression or even charm and charisma) for personal gain or control, impulsive behavior, frequent violent outbursts, difficulties fulfilling responsibilities and maintaining relationships.

It doesn’t sound like you’re any of those things outside of a lack of effective empathy. You see it in others and understand their emotions; you just don’t share them. That’s rather different, to my mind.

(As always: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor and should not be relied upon for diagnosis. I’m a loudmouth with an advice column and access to WebMD.)

Now to be perfectly blunt, I think you should probably get a second or third opinion from your therapists. I suspect – and again, I want to remind you that I’m not a mental health professional – that some of this may well be a trauma response to the s--t your mom put you through growing up. CPTSD and trauma responses don’t just mean freaking out or having strong emotional reactions to triggering events; sometimes it means shutting down instead. Focusing on your upbringing and the way your lack of caring and empathy isolates you from others might make it easier for them to understand what you’re asking for.

But all that aside, there’s a question inherent in your letter, looming like Banquo’s ghost. Specifically: why do you want to date, exactly? I have to assume this is more than pure intellectual curiosity, so it becomes a question of what you feel is lacking that a relationship would provide. You don’t feel lonely, you don’t necessarily feel a connection to others or an interest in other people. So what would you be getting from a relationship that would be worth your time?

I’m not being snarky here. This is an honest question, and I think the answer will give you a much better idea of what is actually going on. If you can articulate what dating would do for you and what you’d get out of it, I think it would be much easier to determine a path forward for you.

If it really is about entertainment value or purely physical intimacy, then you would likely get more out of a more overtly transactional relationship – a straight value-for-value exchange. That could mean literally transactional – becoming a regular client of a particular sex worker, a sugar dating connection – or something more pragmatic and less financial. You fulfill a need for one another (including, but not limited to, sex) and you go your separate ways otherwise.

If it’s more than that – a desire for connection and emotional intimacy, and so on… well, that’s going to be difficult to achieve. People who are looking for friends or lovers aren’t just looking for entertainment value, they’re looking for companionship, connection, shared values and goals, support and intimacy. They want someone who’ll cheer them on and help them up when they’re down. They want someone who’ll be happy for their successes and supportive in their failures. They want reassurance and comfort and the simple pleasure of being with other likeminded people.

Leaving aside that you don’t seem to value those things personally, those are all feelings and behaviors that your partners would expect in return. And while you may be able to provide a simulacra of caring, empathy, love and compassion, that’s something that a lot of people will have a strong negative reaction to when they realize that you are literally going through the motions for them. And they will realize it; people aren’t that unobservant or ignorant.

It may not seem logical – if your behavior is functionally identical, what is the difference? – but it does feel hollow. It’s a little like those AI generated “girlfriend” apps; there’s no actual emotion or connection there, just lines of code. It’s not about a connection with them, specifically; their “girlfriend” or waifu would act like this with anyone with access to the app. For someone who was expecting a genuine human connection, that’s going to feel like a betrayal.

You could, theoretically be straightforward and bluntly honest about it – “look, I am not going to feel strong emotions for you, but I can provide the same actions and behaviors” – but I imagine some folks are going to have a hard time accepting that.  Maybe you might find someone who’s gone through trauma who wants the simulation without the risk of the real thing – though that seems dicey at best and decidedly rare. You might, might, find someone who’s aromantic who might take you up on it. But aro people don’t lack emotion. They still love their friends and family, they just don’t experience romantic love.

So as I said: see if you can dial in to precisely what it is you would want from a relationship – platonic or otherwise. If all you really want are shallow connections and you’d be happy with those… well you can find them easily enough. It’s easy to make acquaintances if you aren’t overly concerned with the longevity or strength of the connection. And you may well find people who are cool with a purely transactional form of intimacy.

If it’s that you want more than that… well, that’s where we’re back to “talk to different therapists”. Focusing on how your lack of feeling is affecting your ability to form relationships might give them more to zero in on.

But I still think that you’re carrying around more trauma than you realize, and that should be where your attention should be focused. I strongly suspect that there’s a lot of feeling that’s been dammed up as a means of protecting yourself and what kept you safe in the past is no longer useful in the present. Addressing that, I think, will open a lot of doors for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have some issues not with dating, but with socializing and sexuality, so I was wondering if you could help.

I’m a high school junior who is a socially anxious loner with some mental health struggles and no dating experience (not a big problem for me tho). Socializing, for me, is rough. Recently I’ve been pretty isolated because I don’t put work into socializing because I just really, really don’t feel like it. It baffles me and being alone is just as bad. I feel sad when I’m alone, and envious when I’m with people. Out in public all I wanna do is run away, and alone I just dull myself with activities.��My coping mechanisms are good, but they only provide a temporary fix. Not to mention I’ve been really depressed recently (crying fits, anxiety flare-ups, everything is stressful). I’m really not doing good and I don’t know how to fix my problems. I don’t wanna do the work to socialize, because socializing with acquaintances just makes me feel like s--t when they turn their attention to their real friends, and my self-destructive coldness makes it hard to be close to anyone. I do have social skills and made friends in the past, but I don’t see any real point in socializing anymore. It doesn’t bring me any joy and being near anyone just hurts. I am OBSESSED with my social life, I’m just constantly thinking about how few friends I have/how hard it is/how cool everyone is/how much it sucks. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m not gonna be happy and I’m just gonna keep being some sad sack. But I’m not totally hopeless, I’m just lost.

Not gonna lie, I don’t care about people either. I know you said to be curious about people in an article, but I just don’t wanna force myself to feel anything. Someone I know said I basically just don’t give a crap about social niceties or people’s opinions, and it’s true. I don’t like giving false compliments just to puff people up, and I don’t like it when someone bulls--ts me or is a pushover. I also don’t wanna socialize with people who share my negative traits, such as shyness and friendlessness (I pick them apart aggressively in my mind whenever I am near another awkward person). Toxic, I know, but I keep it in my head. And I don’t wanna be in denial/ashamed anymore of my toxicity – ignoring it won’t help and it’s good to be honest with yourself. Speaking of honesty, I’m scared I might be a covert narcissist due to how closed-off and selfish I can be. (Okay, self-diagnosis is a bit much, but I do think that I’m pretty self-destructive and it’s hard to stop.) I’m a serial ghoster and have hurt many friends that way. I just do it on a whim, it doesn’t even make me feel good, but socializing doesn’t make me feel good these days. It used to be easier when I was doing social anxiety exposure but now that I’ve stopped I just don’t feel like it. Either I’m sad to be alone or I hate to be with people. And tbh I feel really down about myself for basically destroying my own social life out of apathy. Its simpler to ignore people in the short term but the results SUCK.

One more thing – I can’t tell if I’m aro or not. I don’t think I’ve ever had romantic feelings. I’ve had crushes but I’ve never been able to picture myself in a relationship and I don’t know if that’s because of my social woes or because I’m aro. Never really tried to date either: my crushes have all been “follow this person around and try to make them laugh”. I have some sexual attraction, but to be honest, its infrequent and I get confused when I see someone hypothetically attractive and I just feel nothing. I’m more into fictional characters than real people, so maybe I’m something close to lithoromantic? I thought I was bi but maybe I was wrong. Physical touch disgusts me deeply and I don’t think I wanna have sex with anyone. I’ve never done anything intimate with anyone or gotten close, so idk what it would be like for me if I was actually presented with an opportunity, but right now I’m just wondering if I really want or need to date.

What Do I Even Want?

DEAR WHAT DO I EVEN WANT: Alright my dude, I’m pretty sure I know exactly what’s going on here, but before I get into it, I’d like to point out the inherent issue you’re having. You’re desperately lonely… but you don’t want to socialize or do the things that’re necessary to make friends. You hurt while you’re alone, but you also don’t care about other people, being with other people makes you envious and you would rather run away from everyone and try to numb yourself rather than deal with things.

I dunno Shinji, maybe you should just get in the goddamn robot or else Rei is going to have to pilot it again.

Leaving aside that you’re presenting a classic example of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma – you crave intimacy and connection but at the core, you’re also afraid of being hurt and the effort of making those connections hurts – what you’re describing is depression. You hole up by yourself, your coping mechanisms – which are not actually helping – are failing, you’re sad or numb and exhausted all the time, you have no interest in things that would make you happy… these are classic symptoms of chronic depression.

This one of those times when you shouldn’t be talking to a loudmouth with a blog, you should be talking to a therapist. This is the sort of thing that requires effort and outside help; it’s really not something you’re going to fix on your own, nor is it going to go away if you just push at it hard enough. You’re almost certainly going to want to look into antidepressants and possibly combining those with talk therapy to dig into why you’re feeling this weird stew of “go away a little closer”. 

And honestly, the sooner you make the appointment, the sooner you’ll start being able to actually work on all of this. I know I talk about how high-school isn’t the most important time of your life so much as the antechamber to growing up, but right now your behavior is causing you actual harm. You’re digging yourself into a hole that is hard to pull out of, turning avoidance from a comping mechanism to a habit… and habits can be hard to break. And in your case, when you’re functionally in a closed system, the more you push people away, the harder it will be to turn around afterwards and say “hey, can we try again?” After all, there’re only so many times you can slap the outstretched hand before people quit offering it to you.

Now it’s important to keep in mind that treating depression is more art than science. Part of the problem is that we don’t fully understand how depression works or why people develop it. Nor do we fully understand how antidepressant medication works, just that it does. But it can take time to find the right medication and the right dosage, and that interim period can be frustrating. How long do you give it before you say “ok, this is the wrong dose/ wrong medication”, and how do you hold on while you try to see if it’s just a matter of letting it build up in your system.

This is part of why the combination of therapies is crucial; one helps with the biological and chemical aspects of depression while the other helps you both manage and mitigate it, giving you the tools to push through the fog. But this requires actual, active effort on your part… and it is going to demand that you do things that right now seem distasteful or repulsive. 

Trust me, I know of which I speak. As the saying goes: I’ve been in the hole before and I know the way out. And the way out is going to require that you white-knuckle your way through “I don’t like other people/ making small talk/ social niceties” and to recognize how much of that is your depression talking. Because here’s the thing: depression lies. Depression drips poison in your ear, tells you things that aren’t true and tells them to you in your own voice, so it’s hard to differentiate the two.

All those reasons you come up with to avoid interacting with people? It’s your depression talking. It’s isolating you by telling you that the things you want are out of reach because you don’t want to do the necessary things to achieve them. It’s the voice in your head that says “you don’t want to put up with this, this is all fake bulls--t and who cares?” You have to learn to differentiate between the real you and your depression, and then to ignore when your depression whispers to you in the dark.

Which means that right now, as paradoxical as it sounds, that pain you feel is your saving grace. That pain is real. That pain is your motivation, because you want the pain to stop. But it won’t stop until you take real action.

So do yourself a favor now. Talk to your parents, talk to your school’s guidance counselor, talk to anyone who can help you navigate getting the assistance you need. The sooner you start, the sooner you can start learning to manage things and take your life back.

Everything else – the questions about being asexual or aromantic, about even trying to date – all of those can be put aside for now. Getting a handle on your depression should be your focus; the rest will keep. You just don’t have the energy and emotional bandwidth to actually address those questions.

And here’s the thing: once your depression is managed? A lot of those questions are going to fall away. Depression isn’t just “the blues”, it’s a numbing gray fog that confuses and obscures everything. Once you can lift the fog, the light can shine in and you can see much more clearly. So I suspect that once you’re in a better place, the questions about love, intimacy and connection are going to seem far less daunting and much clearer than they are now.

TL;DR: you’re dealing with serious depression and you need to talk to a mental health professional. Make taking care of this your priority for now; the rest will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com