DEAR DR. NERDLOVE : Recently, I wanted to introduce myself to a woman who goes to the same coffee shop as me. We typically go there at the same time every Saturday morning and sit fairly close to each other on the comfy couches. I have crippling social anxiety and a completely unreasonable fear of being a creep, so I talked myself out of it for a bunch of Saturdays. To psyche myself into making the move, I posted about it on my blog, and two weeks after that, I did It — I approached her. We had a pleasant conversation, and it ended gracefully, and we’ve said hi and exchanged small talk since.

My readers, mostly family and friends from high school, college, and my six-year lost weekend in New York, treated me like I was asking her out, despite that I am asexual, borderline aromantic, and severely touch-averse. I’m not even in the closet about it. I’ve made it clear to everyone that I have no interest in sex or even dating. I just wanted to say hi. I feel like little kids whose parents ship them.

My best friend tells me I’m obsessed with sex because I’m drawn to things and people that are sexy. I used to write erotica, I draw hot women and men (mostly women), and it’s hard to take my eyes off of attractive people (I didn’t watch the live action One Piece for the plot). I haven’t done it in a while, but I love to flirt, and I develop crushes. Also, I’ve had (a lot of) sex before.

But even though I look for any excuse to get my characters to make out in a novel or a painting, I think kissing is the second-grossest thing a person can do with their mouth. The only time I’ve had sex is when I’m manic (i.e. HULK SMASH!), and I’m currently on an obscene amount of drugs to keep that from happening again. I don’t put any real value into a person’s looks; I was married once, and she is not my physical type, nor is the girl from the cafe. And besides, if Sanji lost his suit, there too would go his appeal.

This is an advice column, so I should ask a question. How about this: why won’t anyone believe me? It should be enough for me to say I’m ace for everyone to accept it. Am I really ace even, if I like sexy stuff? Is there a way I should dress? Act? I am beyond frustrated about this. I’m constantly told that a lack of interest in sex is normal for my age (47), as if to give me an excuse not to be ace. But I like being asexual. It’s a huge part of my identity. The abbreviation LGBTQ is actually an abbreviation of LGBTQIA, and as a result, I’m afraid I’m going to get kicked out of Pride.

The only thing I know about the lady in the cafe is that she likes iced coffee. Since we’ve made contact, we haven’t clicked at all, just enough to ask each other about our weekends. Everybody’s disappointed, but it’s fine. I didn’t want to ask her out. Why won’t people accept that? Why won’t people accept me?

Can a man even refer to Angelina Jolie as his girlfriend and still call himself ace? I need clarification.

Latte on my Mind

DEAR LATTE ON MY MIND: Let’s work backwards on this LOMM: yes, you can be ace if you’ve had sex or like sexy stuff or you occasionally get crushes or write sex scenes or whatever. Asexuality isn’t just a spectrum, it’s a multi-axis graph, and there’re a lot of different ways that people’s asexuality presents itself. There’re folks who are sex-repulsed, whether because of trauma, cleanliness issues or just thinking that sex is gross. There’re people who have no desire to have sex but will still masturbate for various reasons (including prostate health). There’re people who only want to have sex once in a blue moon, people who will have sex for the sake of their partner, but not because they’re into it, people who like the closeness and intimacy of sex but don’t necessarily care about the orgasms… there’re a shitload of ways to be ace. ��Kinda like how there’re a shitloads of ways to be queer, and just as many people who’ll argue about that.

(As a cis straight guy, I have no real insights worth sharing into the discourse about what does or doesn’t belong at Pride.)

You may not be what people imagine when someone talks about being asexual, but hey, that’s fine. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s idea of who you’re “supposed” to be, and if you don’t measure up to their image of it… well, that’s their look out. You never agreed that this was who you were; they’re the ones who are stubbornly refusing to admit the truth, not you.

And yeah, you can be uninterested in sex for yourself but still find other people aesthetically appealing, even sexy. You can find sex great as a literary trope or as an engaging part of a story, even if you’re not interesting in putting any of your meat bits into other people’s meat bits. I know folks who are ace but write and draw absurdly hot porn because they just like it as an art form.

In my opinion, that’s not that different from folks who can read and enjoy romances or stories about relationships between characters who don’t share their sexual orientation. If you have empathy and just grok people, then hey! Love is love, relationships are relationships, sex can be hot and fun even if you’re not into it yourself.

(Also, I have no idea where the hell “it’s normal not to be interested in sex at your age” came from. I’m 46. My interest in sex may not be at the all-consuming fever pitch it was when I was a hormonal teenager, but it sure as s--t ain’t zero, either.)

Now that having been said: yeah, a lot of people are going to find asexuality unusual and they’re going to have a hard time turning off the allosexual filter in their brains. Not because it’s inherently weird or bad or whatever, but because ace people are a fraction of a fraction of the population and most people haven’t had to actually engage with what asexuality is or what it might mean for someone. It’s not unusual that most people are going to see things through the lens of their experience. Even if they know, intellectually, that you’re ace, it can still require some deliberate effort to not immediately default to allosexual dynamics.

Especially in a situation like the one you presented. I mean, even in the way you framed it to me, it sounds like the story of a guy with a crush on the cute girl  finally working up the guts to talk to her and maybe ask her out. It’s very Coffee Shop AU meet-cute.

It, admittedly, doesn’t help that English doesn’t have a lot of vocabulary for things like non-sexual, platonic attraction and fascination for someone. I’m not exactly a fan of calling those “squishes” �– it’s a little too self-consciously twee for my taste – but the lack of words for it is an indicator of where the culture is, at the moment.

Would it be nice if folks didn’t immediately assume sexual or romantic interest? Sure. We’re just not there yet. You’re not just working against a cultural and demographic difference, but decades upon decades of storytelling tropes and lived experiences; if your readers aren’t already ace themselves or primed to see this as platonic interest rather than romantic or sexual, it’s not that surprising that this is the filter through which they see the world. So your frustration is understandable, even justified… but it’s worth remembering that a lot of people have little experience with this. They have to make a conscious effort to reframe how they think about things. That takes time and effort, especially if the concept isn’t a regular part of their every day lives

What is annoying, however, are the folks who keep pushing a romantic angle on you. That is presumptive and rude. I get icked when folks do Real-Person Shipping to celebrities; it’s even weirder and ickier when it’s done to folks who’re just, y’know, talking their lives. That’s the part where you may want to start laying down some boundaries about discussing your social life.

What we may have here is failure to communicate. If it sounds like a meet-cute setup to me, even knowing that you’re asexual, the way you wrote it may sound more so to your readers. It may be helpful to talk a bit more about why you’d be nervous talking to this person… reasons that don’t have to do with wanting to bang.

I suspect if you approached it from that angle, your friends and readers might understand a little better. Almost everyone can relate to being nervous around someone they think is cool or awesome and who they might want to connect with, even in a platonic way. I mean, s--t, there’re people I know, people who I’ve hung out with and who’ve reached out to me, first, and I still get annoyingly nervous trying to talk to them because I think they’re cool and want to be friends. I suspect most people can relate to that. Maybe giving more voice to that feeling will help people understand precisely what was going on with you and your iced coffee buddy.  

The other thing I think that may help, especially for folks who don’t understand how you could write love scenes or get all “NOW KISS” with your characters, would be to send them to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org. They have a number of FAQs and overviews that may help folks understand how being ace and borderline aro works and why it doesn’t just mean being a shapeless blob instead of a complex and complicated human… just like everybody else.

A little education might go a long way for a lot of your readers… as well as the people in your offline life too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE : I met this girl and she wanted casual and I didn’t know what I wanted. I was a virgin at the time and now she’s gone and I’m left wondering if I did something wrong.

I also regret not having sex with her more, I only did once because I told her I wanted a committed relationship and looking back, I wish I said something different. So my question is: what should I have done differently or better?

Hindsight Is 20/20

DEAR HINDSIGHT IS 20/20: You already answered your own question, HITT: you wish you’d had more sex and hadn’t been as insistent on a committed relationship. Well, there you go, glad I could help.

Honestly, whatever I tell you isn’t going to be that relevant without a flux capacitor or a big blue box. You were making the best decisions you could at the time, based on what you knew about yourself at the time. Which, admittedly, wasn’t much, but that’s entirely forgivable; you were inexperienced and didn’t know what you wanted at the time. It sounds like you defaulted to what you thought you should want – a committed relationship – which is understandable. That’s something we’re told over and over again that we should ultimately be striving for. But being told that’s what we should want isn’t the same as being what we actually want. And sometimes what we think we want turns out to be wrong; we actually wanted something different, we just didn’t realize it at the time.

Well, now you know more about yourself and what you want, and in the future, you’ll make different decisions. Which is good, because your next relationship is also going to be different. And so will the one after that. And the one after that. You may even find that you go back and forth between wanting one thing and then another. That’s fine. What you want is going to be as much about who you are at the time and where you are in your life. You aren’t the same person from one year to the next, so why should the kind of relationship you’re looking for be any different?

Now what you could do better? That one’s easy, and in this case, something I have a lot of personal experience with. The thing you could’ve done better is to not try to push for a committed relationship with someone who is only looking for casual.

Now, again, I’m giving you a pass here: you were inexperienced and this is something that you tend to learn through doing. But I have been there and done that. I dated a girl I thought was perfect for me… except for the part where she just wanted something casual and I wanted a girlfriend. I agreed to keep things casual, but in my head I thought “…but I bet I can change your mind”. And, to absolutely nobody’s surprise, that relationship ended and I was devastated. It would likely have ended anyway, but it wasn’t helped by the fact that I heard “casual” and thought “yeah, whatever” and tried to make a committed relationship happen anyway.

The moral of this story: don’t agree to a relationship model you don’t actually want in hopes of changing things. It’s one thing if you say “OK, I can do casual, but I’d like to talk about this down the line”. It’s another to think that you’re going to be able to change someone’s mind, especially without talking about it with them.

However, I’ll give an addendum to that: don’t say what you think they want to hear just because you want to get laid. That’s not going to serve you any better. If you legitimately didn’t want a casual relationship, agreeing to it just so you could get her in bed another time or two before the inevitable break up wasn’t going to make things better. It would just add a different, unpleasant layer to the break up and likely leave you feeling bad – possibly worse – about the whole thing.

For now though? Take this as a learning opportunity for yourself. You know a bit more about who you are and what you want. If you don’t know what you want, then say that. It may be better to aim for lower-commitment relationships if you’re unsure; it’s generally easier to move from “casual” to “committed” than it is to go the other. At least, it’s easier to do so without triggering the end of the relationship, anyway.

Otherwise? Take this, learn from it, and apply it to the next time you date someone. You’ll still make mistakes – everyone does, because we’re all human – but they’ll be different ones, and you’ll have more experience to handle them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE : A few months ago, I (f/34) went through a tumultuous breakup. It was one of those heart-wrenching, soul-crushing ones that leave you questioning a lot about yourself and relationships in general. The relationship itself was definitely in a death spiral before the end, but the ending was dramatic. There was yelling, fighting, accusations being thrown around… it was a lot, and I’m glad it’s over.

But I’m not sure if it’s over enough for me to be dating again.

Just when I thought I’d be nursing my wounds for a good while, I met “Derek” (not his real name). We connected almost instantly, and before I knew it, we were in the whirlwind phase of a new relationship.

Now, Derek is kind, understanding, and genuinely seems to care about me. But here’s where things get a tad complicated. This relationship is still in its infancy, and I’m constantly questioning its authenticity. Is it real? Or am I just subconsciously trying to patch up my hurt from the previous breakup? Is it too soon? Am I just dating him to be dating someone?

My friends, well-intentioned as I believe they are, aren’t making things easier. Many of them believe I dove into this relationship too quickly, suggesting I’m merely using it as a way to avoid processing my previous relationship and the accompanying heartbreak. Their concerns have made me more introspective and, honestly, a bit paranoid about my own feelings and intentions.

How can I genuinely decipher whether what I’m feeling for Derek is real and not just a rebound reaction to my past breakup? Is there a way to differentiate genuine feelings from those that might be rooted in avoidance or a desire for a quick emotional fix?

Eagerly awaiting your perspective,

Lost in Emotional Limbo

DEAR LOST IN EMOTIONAL LIMBO: I will be honest, LEL, I have a lot of issues with the concept of rebound relationships. A lot of times, it seems to me that “rebound” is the label that we put on the relationships that didn’t “work” after the last one – especially a previous relationship that most people would call “serious”.

A lot of the things that we classify as signs of a rebound relationship – not being sure what we want, just wanting to fill a hole in our lives, craving validation, having large, loud and complicated feelings about our ex, even the relative speed at which the relationship progresses – are all things that we see in other relationships too, not just “the next person we date after a break up. Those often look and act precisely the same as supposed rebound relationships except for the timing, and yet we don’t consider those relationships to be “lesser”, just unfortunate.

I suspect that some of the feelings around rebound relationships comes from the way we often conflate duration with seriousness or importance and the deference we feel those relationships are due. If you were in a “serious” relationship and you launch into your next one soon after that first one ended, then that would imply that You’re Doing Relationships Wrong, not giving that previous relationship and its import the due consideration and mourning while you “process” it. If you don’t do all the performative “oh, this ended and that is bad” motions before finding someone else and being twitterpated over them, it means that you have failed in some particular way. And thus when that relationship ends – as most relationships do – then it’s clearly  because you did a Bad and got caught in a rebound relationship instead.

Similarly, there’s a tendency to look at relationships as being inherently serious or meaningful in ways that flings or affairs aren’t. A fling after a break up could be seen as acceptable as someone explores their newfound freedom. But a relationship? So soon afterwards? SCANDALOUS! What does it say that they’re willing to diminish the importance of a RELATIONSHIP by just diving into one before you’ve had the appropriate ritual mourning period?

The thing is, this tends to assume a lot about the person, the relationship and what it means to be over someone. People are complex, and the fact that someone was in a relationship for months or years doesn’t mean that it’s going to take an equal amount of time to recover from it. The idea that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone is something makes a great tweet or declaration in a TikTok video, but that’s a guideline at best and not one that necessarily applies to everybody.

Take “getting over” your ex or “processing your feelings”, for example. One of the things that folks often don’t realize is that many times, the end of the relationship wasn’t the break up. The end of the relationship may well have happened much earlier, when one person realized that they were done and no longer wanted to be part of it; the separation didn’t happen until later. But in the interim period, that person may well have processed things and gotten over their ex before what we would have recognized as the end of the relationship. So it may seem like they either got over their ex incredibly quickly – or haven’t gotten over them yet – the truth is, they were doing that work long before outside observers realized that the relationship had ended.

Similarly, getting into a relationship with someone else shortly afterwards, being incredibly excited or caught up in the NRE of it all doesn’t necessarily mean that somebody’s on the rebound. We’re all familiar with the phrase “get over someone by getting under someone else” and there is truth to that. Sometimes part of the healing process may involve a fling or giving oneself permission to be excited by another person again. Whether it’s the validation of someone else finding them sexy and desirable, the desire to draw a line demarcating a new stage of life, getting a much-needed dopamine and oxytocin fix or just letting oneself enjoy things that they may have been missing in their previous relationship… sometimes processing the break up really does involve fucking that ex right out of their life.

And that’s before we get into things like the fact that humans are a novelty-seeking species and a new partner who’s different – sometimes wildly different – from an ex is inherently exciting or just maybe somebody really just wants to enjoy fucking someone for funsies.

Or – and hear me out – sometimes you get out of one relationship and get lucky, finding someone who’s a great match for you a lot sooner than you might have expected.

Your friends are assuming a lot about you and your feelings and acting as though they know you better than you know yourself. They might have a point if you have a tendency to throw yourself into relationships with folks who are bad matches, each time declaring that this shall be a love to last forever before ending up on the couch crying into a pint of Jenni’s three weeks later. But if that’s not your pattern, then at a certain point, you have to be willing to accept that maybe you know yourself and your feelings better than they do, seeing as they’re your feelings. And while it’s sweet that they worry, the guidelines they expect you to follow tend to be more ritual and “everybody knows”, rather than actual rules.

And that’s before we get into whether having a quick emotional fix is inherently a bad thing. It’s not. It can be bad if you’re only seeking those to the point that it’s interfering with your life. But hey, not everyone wants a three Michelin star dinner every time they’re hungry. Sometimes a motherfucker just wants some goddamn chicken nuggets and fries and a goddamn Hostess cupcake or two.

Now, with your new beau, I’d give you the same advice I’d give anyone who’s caught up in the thrills of New Relationship Energy: you can enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it without making more than it is. Right now, you and Derek barely know each other. That, to my mind, is far more important than whether this is a rebound or not.

You don’t say how long you and he have been together, but I’m guessing that it hasn’t been long at all. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that right now you aren’t in a place where you should be looking much further ahead than the next week or next month with him. This isn’t a time to be making long-term plans with him – not because this is a rebound, but because this is a new relationship. You aren’t even at the point where you two feel comfortable farting in front of each other, never mind being able to share a life together. And that would be true regardless of how long it’s been since your last relationship.

Right now, you’re with a new guy who makes you feel amazing and whose company you really enjoy. Well, go the f--k on enjoying yourself; you deserve it. Just recognize that this is new and exciting and you want to keep your wits about you even as you enjoy the thrill of the new. See where it goes, especially as the NRE fades and you get to know each other on a deeper level. Let it be whatever it’s going to be, without needing to force it to conform to other people’s idea of what is appropriate right now.

But at the same time, don’t let either its suddenness or its longevity – however long it does or doesn’t last – define things for you. You don’t need this to be a love to last a lifetime for it to be legitimate, significant or important. A relationship that lasts six months can be more important and more successful than one that drags on for a decade.

Maybe Derek will be the last guy you ever date. Maybe he’s going to be your Pete Davidson: a soft place to land and recover until you’re ready to move on to your next adventure. Maybe he’s just some really good sex that you needed right now. That’s all fine.

Right now, you’re happy and you’re allowed to be happy. So let yourself enjoy this. Don’t overcommit before you’re ready, but otherwise? If this is what you want for now, then that’s really all that’s important. The rest can be dealt with as it comes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com