DEAR DR. NERDLOVE : Why do I have to initiate conversation nearly 100% of the time? I regularly go out to try to meet new people, in various different places, but nobody ever comes up and starts talking to me. But if I want to meet anyone, I have to do just that. But why do I have to be the one who has to do that 100% of the time? Shouldn’t it be something like 50/50? I’m not even talking about the societal expectation that men initiate romantic and sexual relationships with women and do all the approaching here, this is with anything, even platonic.

I have such a hard time initiating conversation that I usually just stress out and sit down alone. Things might go better if someone started conversation with me. But nobody does.

The only explanation I can think of is that nobody has any interest in me. Even if I go to a group thing where the group all sits together, nobody seems to acknowledge me, if I try to say anything, it’s not noticed or ignored.

Why do I have to be the one who initiates conversation every time?

That’s Me In The Corner

DEAR THAT’S ME IN THE CORNER: It seems like I get a variation of this question fairly often – both in a romantic context but also in an extrovert/introvert one. So we’re going to do a dip into who makes the first move and why.

There’re a few things that contribute to this sort of situation, and it’s important to not get tunnel vision as to why… or if it’s really happening the way you think.

First and foremost: The idea that “the only explanation is nobody has any interest in me” is overly simplistic and to an extent, self-serving. Yes, it’s putting yourself down, but it’s also implying that you’re the only person so put-upon and so isolated that this is the only reason why other folks can’t make the first move. This is a variation of the Illusion of Asymmetric Insight, where you assume that you can read everyone else perfectly, but you are a black box of mystery to everyone else.

You need to consider the distinct possibility that you’re not the only person who gets shy or intimidated about trying to talk to folks they don’t know. While there are certainly folks who network the way other people breathe, that’s not everyone. Hell, in a post-lockdown society, that’s likely a minority; pretty much everyone went feral during the lockdown and not everyone’s gotten back in the swing of being social again.

Second: consider the effort you’re putting in to being approachable. This is, quite honestly, an underappreciated skill, and something that a lot of folks don’t realize is a skill. A lot of times, men (and it’s mostly men) who complain that they have to do all the approaching don’t realize that part of the reason why they don’t have people coming over to talk to them is because they’re frequently giving off “don’t talk to me” vibes and signals.

If you’re getting so worked up that you’re stressing out and going to sit down somewhere, then you’re likely sending off messages that say “not interested, go away”, and people are reacting accordingly. Closed off body language, focusing on your phone or looking like you just bit into a moldy lemon are going to dissuade folks from coming over to say hi.

Similarly, if you’re posting up away from the crowds or in places that are out of the flow of traffic, you’re increasing the obstacles between you and people who might be interested in talking to you. The more that someone is going to have to make an effort to get over to you, the more interested in talking to you they’re going to have to be. And even someone who’s generally social and outgoing is going to have to be pretty invested in meeting you if they’re going to have to cross a lot of tables or people or whatnot to get there. The more effort it’s going to take to get to you, the more you’re going to have to signal your interest in other people approaching you.

That means doing things like looking around the room and meeting people’s eyes, looking relaxed and smiling like you’re having a good time. You want to have open, inviting body language – which means not folding in on yourself, not holding things in front of or across your torso like a shield or turning your back to the room in general. And if you are browsing your phone, looking up and looking around more than you look at the phone is going to signal interest in other people. Otherwise, it just looks like you’re not interested in being social.

Third: considering that other folks can be as shy or as cautious to meet other folks, you want to make it as easy for them as you’d like it to be for you. If you’ve wondered what to say when you meet someone or wanted an excuse to talk to them, then remember that other folks are feeling the same way. This is why being out in the flow of traffic is important, as is facing the room, instead of facing the bar, or the table or just “away”. But so is having something that can function as a conversation starter.

If you remember the early days of the PUA craze, one of the more common aspects that people would mock was the concept of “peacocking” – people wearing eye-catching, outré or just plain weird stuff out to bars, as immortalized by Erik “Mystery” Von Markovik’s fuzzy top hat. In theory, this was supposed to confidence – no “average frustrated chump” would dare roll up in the club looking like they got caught in an explosion between Spencer’s Gifts and Hot Topic, after all. But while folks took this to absurd levels, there was value to it it: not to ‘display confidence’, per se, but something that could serve as an easy conversation starter for folks who wanted an excuse to say “hello”. I’ve had more people start conversations with me because of my tattoos than I can easily count.

Now, part of the problem is that it’s easy to go overboard, which is why it’s a good rule of thumb to have a statement piece, and let the rest of your outfit be normal and support it. If you’re going to wear, say, a funky hat, or a really cool jacket, you want to keep the rest of your look fairly simple – especially if you’re not someone who has the personality or style sense to pull off a more complicated look.

And it’s worth noting that this conversation piece can and should be tailored to the crowd that you’re hoping to interact with. If you’re going to be around nerds, wearing a piece that signals your nerdy interests is a good starting point. I’ve had great conversations with folks that started because I recognized that they were wearing a shirt with Captain Harlock’s insignia or a Mighty Nein reference.

Fourth: There’s being ignored and then there’s not being heard or understood. A lot of folks who are shy and retiring or who feel awkward around crowds often are bad at either making themselves heard or asserting themselves enough for others to engage with them. If you’re sitting with others and you’re only making token efforts at saying something – opening your mouth to reply, but not actually speaking, for example – then a lot of times people may not notice that’s what you’re trying to do. You have to be willing to speak up with more volume and forcefulness than you might normally – either to be heard over the crowd or not talked over by others. If you’re not willing to claim your space, then you’re just putting yourself in the position of needing of hoping that someone else will notice and call attention to you… much as you seem to have been with hoping other people will notice you and come over to talk to you, first.

And, frankly, yes, this can be a skill issue, too. Being a good conversationalist is a skill. Being a good conversationalist in a group setting or a party or a bar is a related, but different skill. This is one of the reasons why learning to be good at small talk is important; it’s part and parcel of establishing a rapport with someone and getting to know them. For all that folks talk about hating small talk, it’s an important skill to acquire. At its base, small talk is about finding common ground and shared interests or experiences that can then be leveraged into other topics.

So too is hearing and being heard, learning how to follow and adapt to the flow of conversation and how to contribute, even if you’re just contributing by listening.

And finally: if you’re getting overwhelmed by trying to talk to people, then you need to consider what the cause is and why. Is it social anxiety? Is it that you’re trying to meet people in the wrong places? If you’re having such a hard time that the effort of starting a conversation is enough to send you into a spiral, then you’re going to have to learn to either manage it (possibly via therapy or medication, especially if it’s an anxiety disorder) or work around it. You may need to focus on lower-energy, less chaotic venues or places that lend themselves to one-on-one conversations. Or you may need to build up your social muscles, practicing having mini-conversations over the course of the day.

But at the end of the day, someone needs to make the first move. It may as well be you. Because if you’re hoping that someone else is going to do all the heavy lifting for you? You’re likely going to be waiting a long time until you find one of those mythical extroverts that go around adopting people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE : So I have a likely all-too common question for you. The story goes like this: a few years ago, after a pretty tough breakup, I met “Jenna” (name changed for privacy reasons)through mutual friends. From the get-go, there was something about Jenna that drew me in. She had this infectious energy, a laugh that made even the grumpiest person smile, she had an interesting way of seeing the world that I never considered before meeting her and we had a lot of interest in common. We just clicked from the moment we said “hello”. Here’s the thing: I was attracted to her from the moment we met. However, Jenna was dating someone at the time and very up front about that, so I kept my feelings in check and decided to just be friend.

Over time, Jenna and I became really close, to the point that I can legitimately call her my best friend. We’ve hung out near constantly, we shared secrets, gave each other advice, she was my anchor during the dark days of post-breakup blues and I’ve done my best to be as good a friend to her as she has been to me. The complication is that the more time we spent together, the deeper my feelings for her grew.

My problem is: I want to say something, but I’m not sure if I should, or if I even can without screwing things up. I’m honestly worried that if I confess my feelings and tell her I’ve been attracted to her since we first met, I worry she’ll think I was being dishonest or insincere about our friendship. I see all these women online talking about how much being “girlfriend-zoned” sucks or Nice Guys treating them like they’re machines you put ‘friend’ tokens in and get sex and I never want Jenna to think that about me. I genuinely value the bond we share, and the last thing I want is for her to feel like our friendship was just a facade for my hidden agenda. I’m worried that my saying anything would hurt or make her think I’m a liar who’s just been waiting for his chance.

I’m not even sure if I have the right to say anything or if there’s a point to it. I know she loves me (she’s said so) but that doesn’t mean she LOVE loves me, just that we’re really really important to one another. ��And it’s not like there’s a sudden opportunity or anything. Unless Jenna is a much better actor than she lets on (she’s not; she’s almost pathologically incapable of lying, even in games where you’re supposed to lie), her relationship with her boyfriend is chugging along like it always has.

And I’m not going to lie and say I’m not jealous of her boyfriend, but I can’t even use him to justify why I should say something. He’s not some bad guy who doesn’t deserve her, he’s not someone who doesn’t “get” her like I do, or even just a low key jerk that the audience could root against in a romcom. He’s a decent enough guy and his biggest sin is that he’s dating someone I really really like. Which I know is a weird thing to specify, but this is something that’s been bouncing around in my head. If I say something and they break up and their relationship was basically fine otherwise, doesn’t that just make me the asshole?

I guess I’m overthinking how to justify things to myself when the only thing really pushing me is that it’s getting harder and harder to keep this inside.

Is there a way to approach this situation honestly without jeopardizing our friendship? Can I express my feelings without her thinking I’ve been lying or that our friendship was just a ploy?

Thanks for lending an ear,

Sincerely,

Caught Between Friendship and Feelings

DEAR CAUGHT BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND FEELINGS: Here’s the first thing I tend to ask folks who want to confess their feelings to someone else: what, precisely, are you hoping to get out of this?

I mean, the answer is obvious: they hope that the other person is going to reveal that they, too, harbor similar feelings. Or they hope that they will be swayed by this display of emotion and either fall in love (or allow themselves to fall in love) or otherwise recognize that they should be with the confessor.

Now, my second question tends to be “so why do you have to confess that you have feelings for someone, instead of just doing something about them?” This, in my experience, tends to be a fairly solid barometer for what is actually going on. More often than not, a “confess my feelings” situation is an attempt to spur the other person into making a move – either to clear the decks so that the confessor can act without fear of rejection, or because the confessor knows that taking direct action would get a different result.

This is one of the reasons why I tell people that I’m not really big on love confessions. A lot of the time, it’s an attempt to not fully own the potential consequences of what would happen if they were just direct – the rejection, the social fallout of someone ditching a partner to just leap into a relationship with another person, even just being responsible for their own feelings. Even the most well-intentioned confessions tend to be “Here are my feelings, now do something with them”.

I’m an advocate for deeds, not words, in part because making your move means owning how you feel. Saying “I would like to take you on a date” is telling someone that you have potentially romantic or sexual feelings for them; one rarely asks someone out on a date if one doesn’t actually like the other person. But just as importantly, taking direct action – asking them on a date or saying “I know we’re friends, but I want something more from our relationship – is saying “here’s how I feel, here’s what I would like to do about these feelings, would you like to pursue this too?” To my mind, it’s more respectful. Even if your feelings aren’t returned, you aren’t asking the other person to manage things for you.

Now, in your case, the answer to the second question is relatively obvious. She’s got a boyfriend she’s happy with and isn’t looking for a way out. So telling her you want to take her on a date is more or less going to be a non-starter.

(Obviously this would be different if she were poly or non-monogamous, but I feel safe and assuming that’s not the case here.)

So what we’re looking at here are two likely reasons to confess instead: either to gain clarity on unclear circumstances, or because you feel guilty for having these feelings.

Please note carefully that I say “reasons to confess”, not “results you’re hoping for”; I feel like the outcome you’re hoping for is fairly obvious. And I suspect that you already know what the answer is likely to be. After all, if you’re at the point of reading the tea leaves or asking me for advice, you probably know what is likely to happen and you’re hoping someone will tell you that you’re wrong.

Well… hate to tell you, I don’t think you’re wrong. I think that the best you can hope for is that you’re going to get the “Let’s Just Be Friends” speech, and some degree of awkwardness afterwards. The amount of awkwardness is going to depend on how you’ve acted before and afterwards and how she sees things; it could be “ok, we can white-knuckle our way past this and be friends again”, or it could be “I don’t think I can feel comfortable with you the way I did before”.

So, if you already know how that you’re likely to not get the reply you hope for, then what would the point be to confess? Well, it seems in part because you feel like you’re lying by not telling her. You feel dishonest keeping a secret from her and conflicted over the fact that you want more than what you’re getting.

Well, let’s talk about that for a second. If we were to take an objective, 3rd person look back at your relationship with Jenna and the way that you’ve behaved with her, what would we see? Could we expect to see someone who’s been acting with actual integrity and in accordance with his values? Would we see someone who’s being honest and genuine, even if he’s not telling her everything? Would we see someone who’s been acting like a friend, or someone who’s been trying to manipulate her?

Have you, for example, been doing the Nice Guy thing of “subtly” trying to undermine her relationship with her boyfriend? Have you been supportive of her relationship, even though he’s your “competition”, respecting her desire to be with him and giving her choices priority over your desire to be with her? Don’t forget that undermining can include pointedly having a sad or withdrawing because she talks about him or makes plans with him instead of you.

For that matter, have you been pushing or angling for the sort of intimacy and connection that lovers would have – the sort of behavior that people sometimes call “emotional affairs”? Or have you been letting things between the two of you develop organically, as friends, rather than trying to encourage it to go in one direction or another?

(You don’t mention going on dates with anyone else in the period since you met Jenna, so I’m going to assume you haven’t. But honestly, I don’t think that’s going to make a difference one way or another. Leaving aside that you met after you had a bad break up, dating someone else while you have feelings for your friend isn’t really an indicator of honesty or dishonesty. Sometimes you just don’t feel motivated to pursue something, even if you don’t have feelings for somebody else.)

Speaking of friendship, how has that been? Have you and she been roughly equitable in the amount of effort being put in? Have there been times when you’ve done things for her that a reasonable person might see as “auditioning for the role of boyfriend” – things that you wouldn’t do for a male best friend, perhaps?

How have things been between you? Has there been tension that others might pick up on, the sort of tension that indicates an unspoken attraction or conflict? Or – your straining to keep your feelings in check aside – has it been as easy breezy as any other friendship?

Think about your answers to this carefully. If you’re being honest – with me, but also importantly with yourself – about her genuinely being your best friend and also having feelings for her, then I think you’re in the clear, here. I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about, I think you can forgive yourself for feeling your feels and for keeping them to yourself.

Yes, it can be hard when you have stronger feelings than the other person knows, especially feelings you’d give a pinkie toe to have reciprocated. But I don’t think that not saying “by the way, I’ve been in love with you since we met” isn’t a lie, even a lie of omission. Relationships – platonic or otherwise – aren’t depositions, and you’re not required to disclose every feeling, thought, ambition or desire to the other person. People have a right to not know things too, especially if knowing those things might cause problems for no real reason.

And while, yes, there’re definitely ways one can try to thread that particular needle, I don’t think that would be the best choice here. The combination of your feelings, her seeming lack of equal feeling and also the relationship she’s perfectly happy with mean that telling her how you feel would likely cause more problems than it would resolve.

So at least as far as the “lying” part, I think you’re in the clear. I don’t think confessing is a good idea, but if the main reason to confess is because you feel guilty… well, ego te absolve a peccatis tuis.

It may help you feel better if you can wrap your mind around this: there isn’t a contradiction between being in love with her and being her friend. You can love someone romantically and also love them as a friend; those can both be true without one superseding the other. The fact that you have romantic feelings for her doesn’t mean that you’re lying about being her friend. It just means your feelings are layered and complicated, that’s all. You’ll want to be sure you’re acting in accordance with your integrity and your highest good, but feeling things isn’t inherently bad. Even if what you want is more than what she can give.

And it’s also worth remembering: just because someone doesn’t love you the way you’d hope doesn’t mean that they don’t love you the best that they can.

Forgive yourself for wanting someone you can’t have and give yourself some grace. You don’t need to try to force yourself to not feel for her, or to give up on your relationship with her. In time, you’ll reach a point where you’ll realize you can feel that sort of love for other people, too.

Oh, and one more thing: if you ignore my advice and decide to confess? You don’t need to tell her that you’ve felt this way since you met. You can just say that your feelings have grown or changed. The timeline of it isn’t relevant, under the circumstances.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When I started college, I started trying to put myself out there to try to meet, date, and hookup with women. I had the attitude of “just be yourself and the right women would come along” and it just never did.

I would go to parties and I would see guys talking to girls, and I could pick up on the cues the girl was interested in them, attentive body language, curling the hair, engaged in conversation, eagerness to meet up at another location, bringing up dating or sexual topics, etc. I can pick up when a girl is interested in a guy, it just never seemed to happen in my direction. Some of the guys that would regularly hook up with women treated those women horribly. One would openly brag about cheating on his girlfriends. Another would refer to women as walking fleshlights. Both of these people had no trouble finding women to hook up with, either at frat parties or on Tinder. I tried to remain optimistic though, that if I just kept meeting people eventually I’d find someone I had chemistry with. Until my senior year I learned that a group of people were calling me incel behind my back. That comment broke me because I am a virgin.

Talking to women felt pointless. What’s the point of trying to meet people if the only result is that I’m going to get viscously mocked? I got very bad body image issues, to the point where I didn’t even want to go outside for fear people can tell I’m a virgin just by the way I look. I spent my last semester living with my parents taking online classes because I didn’t see the point of interacting with any of my classmates. I didn’t want to interact with any of them.

Now college came and went and I haven’t even gotten a single date, let alone a kiss or even sex. I read reports about how hookup culture is so common with college students, and I want to engage in this because it sounds fun, but my time came and went and I simply wasn’t good enough, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like any sort of relationship, whether a one night stand or a long term girlfriend that results in marriage, doesn’t feel possible for me. And after how fruitless and humiliating my college experience was, it feels pointless to even try.

Never Going To Get It

DEAR NEVER GOING TO GET IT: I get a variation on questions like this fairly frequently, NGTGT. One thing that I’ve noticed over the years are a few commonalities that crop up among people who’ve had experiences like yours – something I think is important to pay attention to, because it directly affects how you (and other people in your shoes) feel.

Let’s start with an obvious one: the college “hookup culture” is vastly exaggerated. It’s the sort of story that’s “too good not to be true”, something that plays into all sorts of cultural taboos and fears and ideas about young people and gets spread without actual substance. Far fewer people are “hooking up” the way that “hook up culture” implies; it’s just “well, my college experience is I dated a couple people” isn’t nearly as sexy nor does it sell as many papers or clicks. More people – especially men – are likely to exaggerate to fit in, round up experiences to “hook up” or just straight lie. And while there are some folks who may try to live “hook up culture”, that’s more because they think it’s expected of them rather than something that’s actually happening.

And – quite frankly – the things that most folks might define as “hook up culture” isn’t widely or evenly spread; it’s primarily a white, upper-middle and upper class, hetero, cis thing, and primarily an even smaller subset within that group. Queer students and students of color are far less likely to be part of “hook up culture”, for a number of reasons – not the least of which because their having lots of wild, crazy sex is seen as a bad thing.

Here’s another obvious one: the guys who don’t seem to struggle with getting dates or girlfriends, despite being objectively horrible. This is a variation on the whole “women love bad boys” myth – women, especially women that you (both the general “you” and you, specifically, NGTGT) are into falling for guys who are awful for them and to them. Meanwhile, here you are, a guy who’s trying to do everything right, trying to be respectful and kind and Saturday night is still the loneliest night of the week. What the f--k is up with that?

A couple of things. First, it’s worth remembering that these guys – like the guy who brags about cheating on his girlfriends or who refers to women as “fleshlights” – aren’t saying those things to the women they meet. Creeps and assholes aren’t wearing signs that say “Hi, I’m going to cheat on you and make you feel awful about yourself”, nor are they wearing hats that are conveniently color coded so that you know who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy. Similarly, the fact that they’re assholes isn’t what’s attracting women to them.

The assholes – and that’s assuming that we mean actual s--theads, not just “guy as what is dating the woman I want to date” – don’t lead with how awful they are. They’re charming. They’re frequently witty, polite and make a good show of being considerate. The asshole behavior doesn’t come until later, after the relationship is more established. Sometimes this is deliberate. Often it isn’t; it’s more just that folks learned “you act like this at the start and then you can relax later on” works for them.

The other thing is that this is a classic case of the “just world fallacy” – the idea that bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. That’s not how the universe works and never has been. The good and bad people succeed and fail regardless of their morality; expecting inherent goodness or badness to change the balance of your life ends up being a reason for passivity.

I know this seems depressing and unfair. But to quote one Marcus Cole from Babylon 5: “Wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”

Life isn’t going to reward or punish someone for being good or evil. If you want the rewards, you have to work for them.

This, incidentally, includes the idea that you have to be “good enough” to “earn” a relationship or a kiss or a date. It’s the same mindset, just without the inherent morality meter. It’s not about being “good enough” or being “deserving” or “undeserving”. It’s about meeting people, connecting with them, discovering and kindling chemistry and actually taking advantage of opportunities when they come up.

Which actually leads to a lot of the next thing I notice: a lot of passivity, hesitation and waiting. There’s a lot of hanging around and hoping people notice, a lot of waiting for others to see and then either make the first move or give unmistakable signs of “yes, you should do this”.

Part of the reason why those assholes you mention don’t have issues is in part because they are active. They aren’t waiting. They’re actively seeking people to date or hook up with, rather than waiting for it to happen. This means, amongst other things, that they’re actively courting rejection. You can’t avoid rejection when it comes to meeting people that you want to date; it’s baked into the process. Not everyone is going to like you, no matter who you are or what you do. That doesn’t mean that there’s something inherently wrong with you, it just means that you’re not going to be someone’s particular flavor.

The Dita Von Teese quote I’m so fond of is relevant here: “You can be the biggest, juiciest peach on the tree, but some people just don’t like peaches”.

Understanding that rejection is part of the process, that it can’t be avoided, only accepted, is part of why those assholes succeed where seemingly nice guys (as opposed to Nice Guys) fail. It’s a matter of putting yourself into the path of opportunity, recognizing those opportunities when they arrive and going all-in when they do. They aren’t waiting for the perfect moment to present itself, they’re making those moments happen.

And part of why this works for them, but why you (and others) struggle is that they start from a position that they’re already desired.

This right here from your letter is another one of those commonalities that I see all the time: “I can pick up when a girl is interested in a guy, it just never seemed to happen in my direction.”

There’re two reasons why you aren’t seeing this happen to you. First: it’s a lot easier to see it from an outside perspective, when you aren’t invested in what the other person is saying or doing. It’s part of why it’s much easier to give people advice for a complicated situation, but not be able to deal with something similar in your own life.

(Ask me how I know. Go on…)

You have the distance and objectivity to pay attention to things that you wouldn’t have the bandwidth to actually notice if you were the one having that conversation. Not, at least, if you were actually engaging with them and having an actual conversation, rather than being somewhat detached and more focused on paying attention to other things.

But that’s only part of the answer. The other part – and it plays into the first part of this – is that you aren’t going to see it if you don’t believe it’s possible. Confirmation bias is something everybody deals with. It’s part of the human experience. But it means that your brain is primed to zero in on the things that will reinforce what you already believe and dismiss the things that go against it.

So if you are going to these parties or meeting people with mindset that you’re working from zero or from a negative score and have to work your way towards “earning” being desired, you’re never going to see when people are into you. You may dismiss it as not real, a mistake on your part, or just simply not see the cues or signs of interest at all. It’ll just be all noise with no signal.

Those jerks, on the other hand, believe in their desirability to an almost absurd degree.  After all, if you’re going to find evidence of what you already believe, you may as well believe in the things that will help you. And while there is some degree of the “chicken/egg” question, the fact is that they start from the position that they’re desired and then see the evidence everywhere. If they’re rejected – which happens to them, too – then it’s clearly something wrong with her or a glitch in the Matrix or any other excuse that makes sense to them in the moment. But because they believe in their own desirability, it’s going to be reinforced, over and over again.

And it’s important to note: they’re not being passive about waiting for signs of interest. They’re testing for interest, actively seeking it out by showing interest first. If you pay attention you might notice that, more often than not, they’re the ones who initiated the flirting and the signs of attraction you note follow that initiation, rather than their waiting for permission to start. Instead of hoping someone will give them the green light to talk to them, they’re saying “Ok, I think this person’s hot, let’s see if they’re ready to get with me”, and get the ball rolling. So, they’re not just waiting and hoping; they’re making it happen and rolling on if the other person isn’t feeling it.

Which actually brings us to the last commonality that we need to discuss. Part of the problem that you and many others run into, that leads to feeling this way, is that you’ve been following bad advice. And that advice actively makes things harder for yourself.

The “Just be yourself” attitude is a great example of this, especially when folks get it wrong. OK, “just be yourself”… but what if you suck? What if you’re an asshole who treats people badly?��What if “being yourself” means being someone you dislike?

We tend to treat “just be yourself” as “don’t change, don’t do anything different” when what it really means is “don’t try to be something you’re not just for the approval of others”. This is important, in no small part because if you’re trying to be someone you aren’t and you do meet someone amazing… they’re not going to be into you. They’re going to be attracted to who you’re pretending to be; that is, they’re attracted to the parts of you that aren’t part of who you authentically are.

But when we treat this as “don’t change”, it often becomes “don’t do anything that might improve your situation”. If we want someone who desires us for who we are, then we want to be our authentic selves, yes. But we want to be our best authentic selves. We want to be all we can be. And sometimes, that means examining who we are and what we do or feel or believe and asking “is this really me?” or “is this the best version of me?”

Sometimes our sense of self isn’t our true self so much as things we’ve accumulated that we mistake for our true selves. This is especially true about the worst things we believe about ourselves – from body image to being unloveable or undesirable because reasons. Our attitudes and beliefs aren’t so much who we are but things we’ve taken on board from other people that we assume must be true because other people said it or pushed it on us. Such as, for example, the idea that you’re a virgin and being a virgin says something bad about you.

Ok, you heard someone call you an incel and it hurt because you were a virgin. But there’s a difference between being a virgin – who’s simply someone who hasn’t had a particular experience – and an incel. While incel started out as being a portmanteau of “involuntary celibate” – which, I might point out, doesn’t mean ‘virgin’, it means they’re currently struggling to find sex – it’s since come to mean a very specific toxic mindset and attitude.

You can be a virgin, even an older virgin, without being an incel. You can have had sex and still be an incel. But the label isn’t going to stick or have meaning if you don’t take it on board. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when someone uses it to label you; they’re insulting you after all, and this is an insult that was very clearly aimed at a sensitive spot. But the idea that your being a virgin is something to be ashamed of is something that you have to agree to… and that’s precisely what you did.

It became part of your “self”. But that doesn’t mean it’s authentic. It’s someone else’s label, not who you are. Only you get to decide that.

Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: if you decided to take it on board and make it part of your sense of self? You can also decide to throw it away. You are fully empowered, right now, to discard everything you experienced in college. You can make the decision to say “f--k all of that, none of that was me. I made the choices I did based on the information I had at the time, which was incorrect; now I know better and I can make new, better decisions.”

Your college experience wasn’t what you hoped it would be. That’s a shame, and I’m sorry it turned out the way that it did. But that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. Not unless you allow it to. You can take that experience and learn from it. You’ve seen how passively ceding control to others has lead you to where you are now. Now that you know better, you are in a position to change that, to take an active hand and say “OK, this sucked, I’m going to change things” and start doing things differently.

To be clear: that doesn’t mean that this is a quick or easy thing. You’re trying to break the patterns of years, especially after isolating yourself to such an extent that you took online courses instead of going to in-person classes. When you’ve walked a particular path over and over enough times, it becomes much harder for things to grow there again. That’s going to take a lot of deliberate, conscious effort to undo. You’re going to be having to break the habits and thought patterns of years, possibly a lifetime.

You’re also carrying around a not-inconsiderable amount of pain, for very understandable reasons. You’re going to have to deal with that – ideally with the help of a counselor or therapist – in order to learn to let it go and let it be the past instead of your present and future.

But growth is frequently hard and birth is always painful; rebirth even more so. But the good news is that in choosing rebirth, you are able to choose what is reborn. You have the opportunity to examine your self and your life and say “what is authentically me, what is the detritus that I accumulated from others and what needs to change?” You have the opportunity to decide to slough away the false self like a snake shedding its skin and live with both intent and direction to polish and improve the parts that are you, that are authentic and lead to your best self.

And this means that you can improve, too. You can say “I want this aspect to be different” and work towards it, rather than limiting yourself because you or others said this was how it had to be.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. It’s a hell of a lot of work. And it’s work that isn’t ever finished, because nothing ever truly ends. There’s always more you can learn, always more you can discover, and order will descend into chaos if it isn’t supported and maintained. But that’s not a drawback; it means that you aren’t limited by mistakes or misinformation, and there are always new and wonderful things to learn about yourself – sides of yourself you may never have even dared dream existed.

I’m going to leave you with the words of Henry Rollins: It’s time for you to shine. Hero time starts now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com