DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, my ex (f/29) and I (m/31) broke up. It wasn’t the best break up ever, for reasons I’ll get to, but when we finally ended things, she yelled at me that I was “commitment-phobic” on the way out the door. That’s not the first time someone’s said that to me and several of my female friends have said that I absolutely am and that I keep ending relationships whenever they start getting serious and I need to grow up. I don’t know if that’s actually a fair assessment, since I’m the one who tends to be doing the breaking up and I have had entirely reasonable cause to end things. I feel like I’m being told to settle when there’re so many things in these relationships that were red flags. My friends (and exes) obviously disagree and this has become something of a contentious topic, so I’m reaching out to you for some clarity: Is it truly commitment phobia or am I right for holding out for someone who meets my standards and needs?

I’ll give you some examples of why my past relationships didn’t work.

With my most recent ex:

Future Aspirations: Our relationship spanned over a year. Initially, everything was smooth sailing. But as time went on and we began discussing the future, I realized we were on different timelines. She had her sights set on settling down and having kids in the near future, whereas I felt a bit overwhelmed by how fast everything was moving.

Friendships: A major point of contention was my social circle. She didn’t particularly care for my friends, leading to tension when I wanted to spend time with them.

Regarding past relationships:

Two years ago: An eight-month relationship came to an end due to her possessiveness. I often felt cornered, unable to have my own space or make individual choices.

Four years ago: A year-long relationship ended when I got a career opportunity abroad. Long-distance wasn’t something she was willing to try, so I had to choose between the relationship and my dream job.

Five years ago: A brief relationship lasted three months. We were fundamentally looking for different things – I was just out of college, looking forward to starting my career, she was thinking about settling down already.

I recognize, on paper, this might paint the picture of someone running away from commitment. But with each relationship, the reasons for the breakups felt genuine and inevitable. I’m genuinely torn. Do I have unresolved commitment issues? Or is it a series of unfortunate events? Am I just the asshole here? I truly appreciate your insight.

Sincerely, Seeking Clarity

DEAR SEEKING CLARITY: I’m going to start this off with an obvious truth: not everybody needs to settle down or get married. Commitment and marriage isn’t for everyone and that’s fine. Not wanting to get married, not wanting to start a family aren’t signs of immaturity or a sign that you’re a man-child who can’t handle responsibility or whatever. Not everyone is going to follow the same life path nor are they going to live the same lives and that’s ok. Everybody’s got a right to decide what kind of relationship they want – if they want one at all.

That being said: it sure as hell seems like the common denominator here is you being the one running for the door every time. 

One thing I’m noticing is that none of these relationships lasted longer than a year. I raised my eyebrow at the one ex who was talking about settling down after three months, but I’m left to wonder if she was talking about settling down immediately, or this was a “where would you like this relationship to go eventually” issue. There is, after all, a significant difference between “It’s been three months, let’s have babies” and “well, I’m looking for a relationship that’s leading to marriage and a family”.

Now, the fact that it’s so consistently less than two years may be a tell; that’s not too far off from when the honeymoon period ends and that New Relationship Energy starts to fade. Is it possible that part of the reason why things end so frequently and you start seeing these red flags is that you’re mistaking NRE for the relationship? So maybe part of the issue is that you haven’t let the relationship last past the NRE stage to see that there’s more to it than the early dopamine rush.

Or, perhaps, you’re someone who needs that NRE and prefers short-term relationships, rather than long-term ones.

One of the things that can be frustrating is that we as a culture often ascribe “success” or “failure” to relationships based on longevity; the longer the relationship, the more successful it was. This has the tendency to diminish or dismiss the meaning or significance of short term relationships as being “lesser” because they didn’t last for decades or until one of you died in the saddle. But short term relationships can be as rich, as rewarding and as meaningful as long-term ones; length isn’t as inherently important as depth or importance. Ending a relationship before someone dies – or before the relationship is old enough to rent a car – doesn’t mean that the relationship is less significant or important than one that shambled along for decades before somebody finally put it out of their misery. It just means that it was shorter.   

The other thing I can’t help but notice is that your partners want something more serious and as soon as it comes up, you’re out the door.

It does seem convenient, in that hmm-chin-stroke-interesting kind of way, that these break ups all seem to coincide with someone wanting to “rein you in” in some way, shape or form. It’s hard not to notice that every break up seems to come around the time that what might be seen as a restriction to your freedom, metaphorically speaking. Or how those break ups happen at times when your ex starts planning further into the future than the next couple of months.

As I’m often saying: once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy action a sign. And here, we have four relationships that all ended at about the point where people were talking about future plans… futures that you, clearly, don’t seem to have been that interested in.

What I’m not seeing are what I would call red flags. Your most recent ex not liking your friends is potentially troubling, sure. But at the same time, it follows the same trend of “things as what restrict my freedom” and so it’s hard not to think that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t nearly as significant an issue as you’ve made it sound.

In fact, I’m wondering if that’s the issue here – that you’re worried about some nebulous loss of “freedom” if you were to settle down with someone. That’s something worth digging into. What, precisely, are you afraid that you’d be giving up or losing if you were to settle down and commit to somebody? Are you worried about not being able to travel? Not having time to spend with your friends (or the ‘freedom’ to do so)? Never experiencing NRE with a new partner?

Those are things that you don’t necessarily have to give up, you know. The thing about relationships is that you can build in space for those things. You can partner with someone who wants to travel and go on adventures with you. You can make sure to carve out time for you and your friends to have your own space, just as your future partner can have time and space to go do things with her friends. And, of course, monogamy and exclusivity are things that you don’t necessarily need to give up either.

Now, I’m not saying this in order to convince you that settling down and partnering up for good is the way to go. What I am saying is that it’s worth exploring just why you keep repeating these patterns and what it may say about either you or where your head is at with these relationships. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking them, after all.

But that’s if the pattern needs to be broken. Like I said: if you don’t want to settle down with someone, that’s ok. If it’s the case, then it’s better to just own that and prioritize dating people who either are on the same page, or who at least understand that a romantic relationship with you is going to have a time limit. If that’s ultimately what you’re looking for, then part of the problem you’re running into is that you’re dating people who don’t want the same thing and, importantly, think that you want something long term too. You and your exes were never on the same page about that. Small wonder that these all end the way they do.

If you’re just not an LTR guy, then you should own the fact that you’re not an LTR guy. Lead with it with the people you date and make it clear to your friends that this is who you are and how you roll. There’s no point in trying to force yourself into a long-term relationship when that’s not what you want, and you’re not less mature or serious for preferring that.

However, if you do ultimately want something long-term… well, part of the issue is recognizing that NRE fades, but the other part is making sure that you and your partner discuss what your respective needs are and what your ideal relationship would look like when you have the Defining The Relationship talk. If you’re just coasting along on some “default relationship” setting, then your biggest issue is not making what you want and need from a relationship clear.

So figure out what you want, first. Once you have a handle on that? Make sure that your future partners are on the same page. Talk about what you will want and need to make space for, give them the chance to do the same. Every relationship is custom built; you just need to make the point of making it fit.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So my life feels more like a series of failures than a series of accomplishments. I even managed to get a job that would have perfectly aligned me to get my dream job, but bipolar disorder made sure I ruined that opportunity.

The last few women I’ve tried to date have made it very clear that because I’m on disability and only pursuing “dumb hobbies” like composing music or learning web design, I’m not worth their time. One of them said, “Just leave me alone. I don’t have time for people like you.”

Is it possible to find a woman who accepts me for who I am? Who realizes I might be crying nonstop during a sad movie one day and be bouncing off the walls after 3 days of no sleep the next? I don’t even want to imagine dating another bipolar person…my life is chaotic enough.

I guess my question is how do I find meaningful friendships or relationships? How do I find people who are fucked up in the same way I am and won’t assume I’m a lost cause? Thank you. Your writing has helped me more than I can put into words

Mr. Single

DEAR MR. SINGLE: This is a situation where two things can be true, Mr. Single. The first is that you need to meet a much better class of women than you’ve apparently been dating. Someone not just deciding to date you but insulting you for pursing hobbies they think are “dumb” or pointless is someone who should be scooped out of your dating pool and tossed into the trash. That level of disrespect is a straight up deal breaker and the most they deserve is a “thank you” for revealing themselves in this way, this early on.

The other thing is true is that I’m not entirely sure you’re in good enough working order to be dating right now.

If you’ve been a reader for a while, then I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about needing to be in decent working order if you want to date. This is a concept that trips a lot of people up, but I find it’s helpful to think of it like driving a car that isn’t in pristine condition. Not everyone’s going to have a car that’s still as cherry as it was when it rolled off the dealer’s lot. Sometimes folks end up with a car that is in less than mint condition. It may shudder and stutter as it accelerates uphill, the engine may knock or seem to struggle to shift gears at certain speeds, the radio barely picks up AM stations, you have to SLAM the door to get it to close, apply a little lift-and-pull to open, and you need to turn the key in just a certain way in order to get the engine to start.

But while the car certainly has its quirks, it’s still in good enough shape that it passes the annual inspection and it can be relied on to get people from point A to point B in safety, if not perfect comfort.

That’s what “in decent working order” means; you may not be in ideal shape, but you’re able to function more or less as needed without causing undue or unnecessary stress or risk.

It seems like you’re not there, right now.

Now, I want to be clear: I say this as someone who’s aware of what’s possible with a bipolar diagnosis and what it can be like trying to live with them. I’ve had friend (and family members, for that matter) with bipolar disorder, who had their condition well managed – to the point that you wouldn’t have known if they didn’t tell you that this was something they struggled with. I’ve also seen just how bad things can get when the condition isn’t managed, or when they would fuss about with their medication; they would take their anti-depressants but not the mood stabilizers to keep the manic phase in check. This sometimes lead to things like their car being found in Amarillo and their being found in Bismarck, North Dakota. Or that they’d sold all of their possessions to become a monk in Arizona, only to show back up three days later to an empty apartment and bank account.

(And in one case, it ended in driving the wrong way on the freeway.)

It doesn’t seem like your bipolar disorder is nearly that extreme, but one doesn’t need to hit that level in order to make dating a challenge at best. To be blunt, dealing with someone who’s crying constantly from a sad movie or being on day three of a manic phase is going to be exhausting for pretty much anyone to deal with. Even you don’t want to date someone who deals with the same issues you do. That should tell you a little about what needs to be done here.

And honestly, there’s a difference between finding people who don’t think you’re a lost cause and needing someone “as fucked up as you” – and frankly, that’s a framing I find troubling. People can have empathy and compassion and understanding for the struggles that come with a mental health condition without needing to be “as fucked up”. But at the same time, there’s a difference between finding someone who has compassion and understanding and not making the effort to manage your condition so that your partner doesn’t have to manage you on top of her own life. Especially if things are so bad that you’ve had to go on disability.

And believe me, I’m sympathetic to just how fucked health care, especially mental health care is in this country, and what a fucking trial it can be to get both the regular care and the necessary medications. But that’s still something that you’re going to have to make a priority if you want to date. If you’re not willing to date someone who behaves like you do… well, why would someone else? The course of true love never did run smoothly, but there’s not running smoothly and then there’s not trying to run a trail that’s full of deadfalls, snares and hurdles.

Now with all that being said, there’s one thing that leapt out at me: one of your previous dates said “Just leave me alone. I don’t have time for people like you.” I would be curious as to what the context of that quote is. The way its phrased sounds like it could be either someone who’s rejecting you right off the bat because of your condition or someone who’s getting frustrated that you aren’t taking the hint that they’re not interested. If it’s the former – well, I stand by my “you need to date a better class of people”. But if it’s the latter… well, again, having seen how some folks with bipolar disorders can be, that ends up being another mark in the “make getting your condition under control” column.

Make your mental health a priority and get it managed. Like I said: you don’t need to be in perfect, neurotypical shape to date… but you do need to be in decent working order. It sounds like you’re not there, yet.

And when you are? Ditch whatever app or venue where you’re meeting these women from before. You deserve better than that.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It’s been a while since I last asked (I was the LW who wrote in for “Rebuilding the Life He Ruined”), and while I did take the lessons there to heart, it’s more like a concerted effort of nailing a box of Jell-O to a tree, nothing is sticking.

I guess I’m writing again from a dark place in life. First off, I’m graduating. Yipee! I can finally be an indie game developer as I dreamed of when I took my Computer Science courses! But unfortunately, I cannot really be happy about it.

I’ve been having dreams of reunions with my friends from junior high, but whenever I tried to reconnect with them, I just get met with radio silence. Even letting days pass to cool down, and still no response. Pretty much just confirmed to me those friendships are long since gone, since if I keep pushing, I’m gonna come off as a needy a--hole.

And for the most part, I am living by myself at this point. I’m living with my parents, sure, but the most they do is come home from work, eat dinner, then go to bed, minimal discussion between all of us, so it may as well be as good as living alone.

And I have to say, I think I might be losing it. I hate being alone with my thoughts. (Usually thoughts of me or my family dying of rabies from an unseen bat) And really, trying to fill the void with new friends hasn’t been working well, since I can’t bring myself to talk to people I barely know nor care enough to know.

I wanted friends I can share my creative writing stories and game ideas with, all this creativity, and I’m the only one at the museum. At the same time, this runs the risk of coming across as the “guy that just wants to sell his mixtape”. And I honestly see myself falling down the rabbit hole of seeing the ‘power of friendship’ as bulls--t since it didn’t work for me and kinda resonating with Adachi from Persona 4 (which isn’t a good sign).

Which brings me to my next point, “the level grind to betterment”. I saw comments relating to videos analysing Adachi and most of them call out others like “if only you actually TRIED to make friends” or “if only you TRIED to put in the work”, which I’m not disagreeing with. But at the same time, I see the grind to betterment as traversing the Darkest Dungeon. Trials happen, Stress increases, and there’s only so much anyone can take before they hit a Stress threshold and give up.

So I guess what I’m asking is, how do I recover from pretty much what’s left of my entire support network just being flicked off overnight and how do I push the level grind without, you know, being beat down further by getting seemingly nowhere?

I would see a shrink, but honestly, after just having had to bury my aunt four days after my graduation, the funeral expenses dented the budget, and I wouldn’t risk starving just to see to my mental health.

– Lost, Lonely, Grieving

DEAR LOST, LONELY, GRIEVING: OK, LLG, I’m saying this as compassionately as I can: the reason why you’re still dealing with these issues – the whole “nailing jello to a tree” thing – is because you desperately need to be talking to a therapist.

This hasn’t changed since the last time you wrote in. That whole “thinking about me or my family dying from being bitten by rabid bats” is very much the sort of intrusive thought that tends to accompany issues like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And not to put too fine a point on it, talking about resonating with a character who’s whole thing is being so self-isolating that he becomes a serial killer of women is not a great indicator that you’re in good working order. Especially when much of Adachi’s circumstances are self-inflicted.

Part of the problem is that you’re not moving on. Your junior high friends have made their lack of interest obvious; no reply is a reply. At best, all you’re doing there is trying to tap a dry well. You’re wasting your time and resources pursuing it for no reason other than it seems like they’re the last batch of people you hadn’t alienated yet.

And honestly, I’m not surprised you’re having issues, considering that you veer between wanting to make friends but also apparently being either apathetic about the people you meet or feeling active dislike for them. Neither attitude is going to endear you to others.

Part of the problem is that you’re isolating yourself to an absurd degree. You have, quite literally, made yourself alone in the crowd. You aren’t talking to anyone. Not family, not friends, not strangers. Being social is like a muscle; you improve it by exercising it. But if you don’t work it, it starts to atrophy. That lack of social skills and unwillingness to work at them has bitten you in the ass before. The fact that little seems to have changed hasn’t helped.

I know you feel like you’re trying to explain things in metaphor with your game references, but what you’re actually doing is giving reasons why you “can’t”. It’s hard, sure, but it’s necessary. If you need to take it in stages or take it more slowly than you’d prefer because you need to build your emotional stamina or work within your circumstances, then recognize that part of the grind is learning how to work within your limits and how to expand those limits over time.

But before you do that, you have to accept that this is going to take work, it’s going to take time, and the “power of friendship” ending comes after the person has actually worked on having friendships. That doesn’t seem to have been happening… and considering the s--t that went down in your last letter, I’m not entirely surprised.

But more than anything else is the fact that you, again, desperately need the sort of help that can only come from working with a trained mental health professional, not a loudmouth with an advice column. That much hasn’t changed, and honestly, until it does, nothing is going to get better. That’s going to be the long and short of it. This is going to need to be a priority for you if you want to move forward and actually improve.

Your aunt passed away recently and you have my sympathies. You having to deal with funeral expenses is, likewise, a shame and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. But this is one of those times when, if you want things to get better, you’re going to have to make some hard choices and figure out how to make things work. And quite frankly, if you don’t figure out how to make those choices for yourself, they’re going to end up being made for you, and in ways that you’re probably not going to like or appreciate.

This is the time when you need to start taking some serious steps to figuring out what you can do to get the help you need. This may mean asking your parents for financial assistance until the bite that the funeral expenses took out of your budget is eased. It may mean looking into what social services are available to you, either through your local municipality or through the university; many still have options for recent graduates, or could help you find someone who’s willing to work with you on a reduced-cost basis.

But if things are this bad and you’re sincerely worried about where it could possibly lead if you don’t halt the descent? Then you need to put your money where your mouth is, metaphorically and literally. You are well past the point where this is something that you can muscle through on your own.

Get help. Get professional help that actually addresses the underlying problems you’re facing, because this isn’t a case of having been abandoned for no reason or people maliciously dropping you like fifth period French. You’re still dealing with some significant mental health issues and it’s well past time to address them.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com