DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a… predicament. I seem to potentially be in a scenario where I have to choose between downgrading my friendships and working towards having a partner, and it kind of sucks. Now, hearing that, your mind probably immediately jumps to “no, please, don’t throw away your friends for someone jealous and controlling!” Alas, that scenario would in some ways be less obnoxious than the one I find myself in.

While reading a recent post of yours, one of your links went to your column “This Is The Best Way To Meet Amazing Women“. I… well, I did that by coincidence. Near the start of the year, I joined a local IRL friend meetup server because I was lonely, went really hard at it, and fixed my social life. Yay! After 33 years of kind of being alone, I’m now one of the Popular Kids™.

I’m part of the leadership for the server, I have a lot of friends, I reach out to new people who seem to be struggling and encourage people to come to events. I’m very proud of this accomplishment. But… it hasn’t really translated to any dating success.

Now, there’s a complicating factor here: I’m a lesbian. I’m also trans, which isn’t generally super relevant (I’ve been out and passing as many years of my adult life as I had presented as a guy), I get very little surface-level discrimination, and culturally I haven’t had to consider myself from a male or openly trans perspective in a very long time, but it does at least theoretically affect social dynamics under the hood so I figured I’d mention.

This is kind of a general issue. While I’m obviously very proud of my social life and social success, it is a relatively mainstream meetup Discord server. It’s extremely queer friendly, our queer population probably exceeds the general population statistically. But the dating pool for me remains small.

Please, forgive me about to describe the server like a dating meat market, if this wasn’t a dating advice question I would never analyze the server in this way, but: most of the people are straight (and cis). Of those very few who are WLW, there’s a couple I’m not attracted to (so it goes), and almost all of the ones I do like are bi women who have only dated men. Obviously that’s not a problem in and of itself, I’d date bi women happily, but there is both difficulty in overcoming the psychological barrier becoming a bi woman’s first female partner, and the availability of male (or heavily masc) partners is so much higher, so they tend to be taken/polysaturated or currently only actively pursuing men.

Telling people I like them is still really hard for me. Crushing makes me feel like a creep and a predator, I tend to freak out, I go through a lot of stress. But… I persevered, and have tried to push through it (and your advice to people actually helped in that area a lot as I kept it in mind). All told, I’ve gotten two crushes and… two rejections. Heartbreaking, but to be expected and I’m trying to not let it get me down. That said, after that I appear to be… out of candidates. Oops.

Obviously that’s a small number, dating is a numbers game etc. I’m demisexual and I think possibly demiromantic, I crush on friends, and also very rarely get crushes. Obviously your advice in that article I linked above was mostly aimed at cis straight men, and it makes sense this doesn’t necessarily apply to lesbians as easily, given the limited pool. That said, due to the whole “double demi” thing, I will say that dating apps are kind of hell for me, I end up scrolling through scores of profiles hitting “pass” not because I don’t think they’re not really lovely people, but because the absolute most glowing assessment I can give someone is “… meh” from just a short text blurb and a picture.

The stats for how many lesbian couples meet online are pretty hard to find, I’ve found 28% from Pew, and 65% from a study in 2019, but both of those are combined LGB couples, not just lesbians, and that’s a *pretty wide* variance. Even so, it’s unfortunate that online dating doesn’t seem to be a great avenue for me and I was really hoping the “improving my social group” route would pay off better in hindsight.

This is where the zugzwang comes in. I feel like I have two realistic options:

Just… keep doing what I’m doing and hope a cute girl that mutually likes me joins the server by sheer chance, and/or keep telling people I’m open to matchmaking and pray someone pulls a cute lesbian friend to set me up with out of the aether, OR

Find a friend pool with a higher number of potential partners

This is where my dating zugzwang comes in. You see I… kind of like my friends? And I’m also honestly kind of at close friend *saturation*. This is going to sound braggy, maybe it is a little, but it is important nonetheless: my social calendar is kind of *full*. I generally have at least 3-4 days a week blocked out for one-on-one hangouts with the same close friends, and 2-3 days for group events. I really only have like 0-3 days a week to myself, averaging about 1. I can reconfigure my schedule a little, but my wiggle room is… very tight.

My issue is that option 1 above seems kind of… inefficient. Not impossible, one of my friends considered setting me up with their friend (their ex, technically), because they thought we’d get along, but they ultimately didn’t both she’s apparently kind of jealous and controlling (hence the “ex” bit), but also she got into a relationship right when they started considering doing so. In general this seems very unlikely to pay off. Especially since, shockingly, when your friend group is from a Discord server meant for people without friends to make new ones, most of people’s friends are others from the server that I already know since they were, y’know, lonely before joining. I’ve been considering blocking out a free day to take a weaving class or some other class I’m interested in for its own sake, which seems fun, but still suffers similar dating pool likelihood limitations for similar reasons to the server (i.e. most people aren’t lesbians).

In contrast option 2 seems almost… s--tty? Since I’m kinda friend saturated, it feels scummy since it’d be hard to *not* to some degree treat it like a meat market since I really have limited capacity for new close friendships ATM. Trying to get into a new social circle naturally means tradeoffs. I *also* just feel scummy telling some of my close friends more or less “hey so like we need to hang out less often so I can spend more time making new lesbian friends that’ll be more likely to find me a cute girl to kiss.” They might even understand, but it still feels kinda like… just like being a bad friend?

I don’t know what to do. My self-esteem is taking a hit because I’ve honestly never had anyone like me back (not strictly true, but I’m not counting the two highly abusive relationships I’ve had years ago that said I was unloveable or they never loved me, not to mention the girl who forgot we were dating). I just want someone to hold hands and cuddle and watch a movie with, but it’s so hard. Each rejection is hitting me harder and harder. But at the same time I’m trying to take my friends’ advice to heart that this is very probably a “limited dating pool” issue more than a “me” issue, and that I just need to meet more people. My friend did offer to learn my type and swipe *for me* on a dating app, essentially playing matchmaker with random profiles since I can’t find profiles I like on my own due to my demi-ness, it might be fun, but I’m low confidence on it really working out since I don’t see even a first dating piercing through me generally needing to be know someone at least beyond an acquaintance level before being romantically attracted to them.

So yeah, do you have any advice how to cut through what feels like a very difficult situation to me? I’d really prefer to not betray my friends just so I can find a girlfriend.

Signed,

~ Did Everything Right But Still Lost

DEAR DID EVERYTHING RIGHT BUT STILL LOST: You’re making this much harder than it needs to be DER. This isn’t a Kobayashi Maru situation, it’s just that you’ve given yourself a false dichotomy. You have far more options than you seem to recognize and you’re not in a place where you either have to just sit around and hope for more queer women join your server or ditch your friends.

I mean, to start with, you aren’t obligated to spend all your free time with your friends. Don’t get me wrong, having a tight social circle is generally a good thing, but there’s a difference between a tight social circle and a leash around your neck. It almost sounds like you’ve fallen for a couple of the Geek Social Fallacies – specifically “Friends Above All” and “Friends Do Everything Together”.

You aren’t expected to give up everything in order to maintain your friendships – especially your desire to find a partner. In fact, your friends shouldn’t want you to give up everything just for them. That’s not healthy under the best of circumstances, and it’s especially unhealthy if your friends actually demand this of you.

Fortunately, it sounds to me like this particular call is coming from inside the house. Which doesn’t mean it’s any less troublesome, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to resolve when it’s your own worries rather than something your friends are insisting upon.

Similarly, you don’t need to make your friends the center of your existence to the point that they have to be involved in all aspects of it. You’re allowed to have time with people who aren’t part of that particular circle. S--t, it’s even possible to have different social circles. After all, we’re all complicated and complex individuals who have wild, varied and disparate interests and sides to ourselves; not every person we meet is going to vibe 100% with every side and that’s fine. You may have friends who like to do X and a separate group of friends who like to do Y, with no overlap between them. You may even have groups of friends who have no crossover whatsoever and no real contact with one another. That is also fine and normal. Friendship isn’t automatically transitory after all, and having different groups of friends isn’t a betrayal to any of them.

It can play merry hell with your time management, but then again, you’re right back to “you don’t need to spend all your time with them”. You can (and should) block out time just for yourself, for any reason you feel. That may be because you’re people’d out and need a break, because you have other obligations and responsibilities or because you just want some “you” time for stuff that doesn’t involve them. Which, y’know, includes going and meeting potential dates and partners.

If they’re your friends, they should understand that you’re a fully realized person who has a life and needs outside of your immediate social circle and that sometimes life means that you’re not going to be able to spend as much time together as you’d like.

Just as importantly, you have more options than “hope someone wanders in randomly” and “use the dating apps”. Now in fairness: as a woman who’s attracted to women exclusively, you do have a significant challenge in as much as you have a much smaller dating pool than bi, pan or straight women do. That does mean apps are going to be a higher priority for you than they are (or should be) for straight, bi or pan people; after all, it’s much easier to find women who love women in dedicated spaces where they’ve opted in than to go about randomly hoping to stumble across them.

But apps aren’t the only method, even for lesbians. Part of improving the odds of finding a partner is at the intersection of preparation and opportunity – that is, you have to put yourself in fortune’s path. So part of what you should consider is to find your local queer community and take part in it in person. Find more organizations, groups or even just social clubs geared towards queer women. This may be a lesbian sports league, a book club, even volunteer organizations; anything that gets you together with other women who love and date women. While these aren’t necessarily meat market setups, meeting more lesbians and bi and pan women gives you more opportunities for friendships (outside your current circle) and more opportunities for those connections to become something more.

And while dating apps may not be the most efficient method of meeting people for someone who’s demi, it’s still worth giving things a shot and seeing if there’re people who you might want to meet. Here’s the thing that may make things less challenging for you: instead of hoping for instant cartoon hearts and cherubs as soon as you see someone’s picture or profile, focus on if you find them interesting or not. If there’s something about them that strikes your curiosity, consider giving them a chance to meet up in person and see what they’re like when you’re in their physical presence. After all, we’re a species built for face-to-face communication; even the most eloquent profile with the best photos possible can’t convey what a person is like in the flesh. What seems “ok, I guess” on paper may be a “oh hot damn…” in person – you just couldn’t tell because so much of what signals attraction and compatibility can only be determined in actual proximity to them.

That, in turn, makes it easier for you to decide if you want to invest the time it may take to find out if this will be something more than just a quick coffee date.

But to circle back around to the false dichotomy: I think one thing that you may be struggling with is that you’re so caught up in the novelty of having all these friends that you’ve let it overwhelm everything. I get that finally finding something you may have longed for is intoxicating, but you may have gone a bit overboard in your enthusiasm. Maybe it’s the excitement and novelty of it. Maybe it’s been something you’ve been wanting for so long, you’re afraid to do anything that might screw it up. But I can promise you: if they’re your friends, then not being with them all the time or even most of it isn’t going to damage your friendship.

Giving yourself a bit more leeway and letting yourself have time away from the server and that social circle may help you realize that you’ve got more options than you’ve allowed yourself to see.

This isn’t a no-win scenario; it’s just one where you’ve narrowed your options for no real reason. Expand your horizons a bit, give yourself permission to do more just for yourself and to trust your friends. If y’all are really that tight, not only will having your time away not damage anything but they’ll be happy for you when you do find that special someone.

You’ll be ok. Your friendships will be ok too. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for your insightful advice on the blog. I (26F) have a relationship issue with my boyfriend (29M). We just started dating only 2 weeks after 2 months of being kinda-close friends.

When we first slept together, he kept talking about how he didn’t want kids, EVER. I knew about this even before we dated, despite knowing I wanted kids in the future. This is because I don’t know where things are heading with this guy, so talking about kids seems too early an issue for me – I want to have fun, making memories with him. Also, I like him a lot, A LOT. He taught me to find my own security and stability in relationships in general.

But every time we slept together, he kept talking about not wanting kids. And he doesn’t want to be married either because, in his words, “he likes his loneliness”. For me, I like this guy so much that I hope our relationship can be more serious within a year. And maybe, marriage in the future, who knows.

But, now that I understand his desires, I think the best thing to do is to break it off, although we just started to go out 2 weeks ago. I no longer hope that he will change his mind. I no long hope that we can be any more serious than a few dates per week.

But…I like him a lot and want to make more memories with him. I was thinking about suggesting to him that we could date for a year or two, with both of us understanding that the relationship can never be that serious. When the time comes when we want to be serious with our life, we will both break up amicably. Knowing his personality, there is a high chance that he would agree. However, this seems kinda risky on the emotions, so I wonder if this is a good idea? I am confident that I can manage my feelings after 1 year of dating him. We have only been dating for 2 weeks, I’d rather we broke up when we stopped having feelings for each other than for some issues that might not even be related to our situation. By that, I mean we might not even get to talk about these things when we are done having fun with each other.

I apologize if this all sounds confusing. It sounds confusing to me, really. It’s just that the whole universe is telling me to break up with him, but I like him. I admire him. I want to look back on my twenties with him in it when I’m old.

Sincerely,

Time To Move On?

DEAR TIME TO MOVE ON: Hoo boy.

TMO, I say this as someone who knew his wife for nearly a decade before we started dating and dated for years before getting engaged: two weeks is way the f--k too soon to be thinking of kids and marriage no matter how long you knew each other beforehand. Two months of “kinda-close” friends before dating? That’s not just “no” but “hell no”.

At two weeks, you’re not even at the “I feel comfortable farting in front of you” stage, never mind out of the honeymoon period, and decidedly not at a point where marriage or kids should ever enter the picture. You, quite literally, do not know him well enough to make that decision.

Now that is a general rule – something that I feel applies to pretty much every relationship, regardless of age, gender or sexuality. In your case specifically? I’m going to go ahead and tell you to save yourself the heart ache and end things now because your beau is already giving you the wave off.

This is not a situation where you’re going to have a lot of happy memories and adventures, followed by a mutually amicable break up. This is going to be a miserable slog for you and likely for him because he clearly sees what you are hoping for and he’s trying to tell you now that it’s never going to happen.

Seriously, I don’t know how much clearer this could possibly be. I mean, the first time you slept together, he’s telling you he doesn’t want kids. OK, maybe you could see that as a “no accidental pregnancies” sort of thing if you squint. A lot. It’s not, but under other circumstances, I could at least pretend to commiserate about how horny thinking might mistranslate that.

But there’s horny thinking and then there’s seeing a guy waving giant red flags in semaphore saying “no, not happening, never gonna happen” and thinking “aww, he’s doing an interpretive dance for me!” You’re more or less deliberately ignoring the fact that you knew this about him in advance. Well, he’s made it clear that’s never going to happen.

But the fact that he’s repeatedly reiterating “no kids, ever” and “I never want to get married” is the much bigger tell here. It seems pretty clear here that you’re giving off a vibe of marriage, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs and he’s not only picked up on it but is telling you in no uncertain terms that this is not a thing, it’s not ever going to be a thing and you really need to abandon all hope already.

And as someone who’s done the whole “swear up and down that no, I know exactly what I’m getting into, I’m cool with this being completely casual, no labels no expectations, we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend” dance and knew damn good and well I was lying to myself. I am here from the future to tell you that you aren’t going to be able to make “this is a completely unserious relationship with a hard cut off” work. The only question is who you’re trying to convince: him or yourself. And honestly? I suspect it’s you.

I think that if you do this, you’d be constantly on the lookout for signs that maaaaaaybe he’s changing his mind or maaaaaybe you’ve convinced him. You will be reading the metaphorical tea leaves, trying to find evidence that he’s coming around to your way of thinking and frustrating all your friends when you keep talking about it. And then this will end in tears and heart break when he reminds you, again, that he meant what he said.

You should not be dating this guy. You definitely shouldn’t be thinking long-term about anyone after just two weeks of dating and certainly not him, specifically. Continuing to do so will end badly, messily and all over the place. The only question is to what extent and who’s going to catch the splash damage in the process.

Do yourself a favor and break up with him now. You and he aren’t compatible and you have put the cart so far before the horse that you’re in another county with no idea how you got there and the horse has f--ked off back to the stables. Go, date other people casually and leave thoughts of marriage and kids for a time when you actually have known someone longer than your total vacation days at work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a longtime reader, and have even tried putting some of your advice into practice, but likely haven’t put as much effort as I should have. My question is: how do I get started?

This is a little more complicated than it sounds. I’m a virgin at 39, on the spectrum, and currently living with my parents for the next few months (it was only meant to be a few months, but turned into years as my parents suffers health problems and major money problems). I also suffer from depression and severe social anxiety. So there are my main excuses – bad at socializing, bad with my emotions kicking my ass, and broke and living with mom and dad when I’m about to become middle aged.

As for my past, I have never dated, ever. I’ve had a few chances, but I literally cannot tell when someone is flirting, and have been told by a witness that sometimes a girl has actually tried flirting with me. I was too scared to even talk with girls in high school, any of my colleges, and only tried once at a job that led to very embarrassing results. I can’t even keep a friendship going, as most people find me boring after a while, but I also am in an area where finding people with likeminded hobbies and interests is rare (let’s just say I live in a place in Florida where even churches have political banners out front). So I just don’t have any history in sex and romance, and the few times people have either assumed this or I’ve hinted at it have led to some rather disparaging remarks.

Now here is what I’ve done in the last two years that counts as progress: I’ve taken an accelerated college course for a business degree, and despite a severe bout with depression nearly derailing that for a fourth time, I am only a few classes from graduating, likely in March. I am planning on following that up with getting a computer tech certificate with Coursera, and am taking a TEFL course in Mexico to teach English while I live in Mexico. I have started taking my hobby seriously (indie game dev, not aiming to be one the big success stories but make a steady living), and have started working out (for maybe the 10th attempt). I can’t promise all of these will prove fruitful, but I am trying.

So I’m asking how to get started in dating. On my good days, I don’t think I’m hideous, just very average and kind of forgettable looking. I have a stutter, but I’m not embarrassed by it normally, just a little frustrated at times. I am also an introvert, and know what places I just can’t get comfortable at tend to be the most popular for meeting people (bars, clubs, and concerts, or anywhere that’s crowded and loud just send me into a panic). I know my situation is a little less common (I am moving to Mexico, not just visiting, as I refuse to give up this time), but do you have any advice on how someone like me (older virgin with no experience) actually try dating or meeting people?

Thank you for any advice you can give.

Stuck In First

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST: As a long-time reader, SIF, I’m sure you’ve seen the times when I’ve said that the question you’re asking isn’t the question you think you’re asking.

Well, this is one of those times. How do you start dating? Well, you go out and you meet people, ask some out on a date. Someone says yes and boom, congrats, you’re dating. Yes, it’s a bit reductive, but that’s the gist. I have written literally hundreds of columns in the archives, as well as several books, if you want more specifics… but I don’t think that’s what you’re actually asking for.

A lot of times, when someone asks how to start dating, what they’re really asking is “how do I stop feeling like dating is impossible” or “am I allowed to start dating?” This is especially true if – like you – they’re older and have little to no social experience. What they’re often the most worried about is the idea that they have crossed some Rubicon, where they’re no longer “allowed” to date because they took too long or that they have too many handicaps in order to date.

And your list of supposed drawbacks – you’re autistic, you’re approaching being a literal 40-year old virgin, you live at home and have mental health issues – makes it sound like your question is very much like the latter.

Well, let’s take a few of these on, in order of importance and relevance. But first, I want to give you a phrase to keep in mind that will be relevant for pretty much everything we cover: “perfection isn’t necessary or even desirable”. Perfection is the hobgoblin of a scared mind, the idea that only the best of the best will ever do when in reality, nobody wants that nor would even know what to do with it if they had it. Perfection is necessary when you’re tuning a piano. Are you a piano? If not, then “good enough” is, in fact, good enough.

Which actually leads to my next point. The most important, to my mind, are your depression and social anxiety. These are going to be the biggest drawbacks to your dating life, primarily because they’re the ones that are going to have the greatest effects relative to your goal.

I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about being in good general working order when it comes to dating. This is one of those times where that question is going to be important. If your depression or anxiety aren’t under control or managed – and please note carefully that I say “managed” and not “fixed” – then you’re going to have a much harder time, on multiple axes.

Social anxiety, for example, is going to make it harder to talk to people, to put yourself out there and to trust yourself enough to actually shoot your shot. It’s very difficult, and I speak from experience here, to be genuinely connect with people or to be your most authentic, polished self if you’re mentally analyzing every word, intonation and micro-expression for meaning for fear that you’re doing something wrong. It’s also difficult to build or maintain a relationship when depression is your co-pilot, dripping poison in your ear about yourself, about how others supposedly feel or even just whether this is worth the effort.

But if you have a reasonable handle on those – you’re working with a therapist, you have medication that helps or you’ve been practicing your CBT exercises – then that’s not an issue that will prevent you from dating. It’ll be something to pay attention to and make sure that it doesn’t slip its leash, but if you’ve got more or less under control, then you’re fine.

Now, I do think that getting some practice on your social skills is going to be important, especially if your anxiety has made it harder. But working on being more social in general will help you with meeting people you might want to date. You don’t need to be able to mask yourself so thoroughly nobody would ever know you’re autistic or anxious; you just need to be reasonably social and able to navigate social situations.

Perfection is not necessary, nor even wanted.

Next: you live with your parents. This is going to be a handicap mostly in that it makes it harder to bring someone home for loud crazy sex like weasels in heat in a burlap sack. Otherwise, it’s not going to be nearly as much of a handicap as you might expect. Living with family isn’t nearly the dealbreaker that you’d think. Living in a multi-generational household is very normal in most cultures in general. In the US, it’s becoming increasingly common, especially as rents skyrocket, housing inventory gets snapped up by corporations and short-term rental schemes and inflated prices mean that many people can’t afford to even make a down payment on a home.

Just as importantly though, what you’re dealing with isn’t some failure-to-launch situation – which is what a lot of the stigma around “living with your parents” amounts to. You’re taking care of elderly parents who have both health issues and money problems. Most people, especially people who are worth your time, are going to not just understand that but see that as a mark in your favor. You’re taking care of your aging parents! That says a lot about you as a person – that you’re compassionate and generous and give back to the people who gave so much to you.

Now the things that I would say are the least relevant are your being autistic and lack of experience. First and foremost, I think people overestimate the impact of “experience”. There are benefits to dating experience in as much as you know yourself and your patterns in relationships, you have a handle on what you want and you’re a little more secure in the bumps and potholes that crop up in every relationship. But having lots of dating experience doesn’t directly translate to “is good at dating”, any more than “has had lots of sexual partners” directly translates to “is good at sex”. Someone who has only ever dated their high-school sweetheart and were married for 30 years doesn’t have a “lot of dating experience”, but is doing just fine.

Now, there may be people who might not want to date you because that lack of experience may mean that you aren’t sure of what you want out of a relationship, or who may worry that this will mean that you’ve not had all of the ‘experiences’ that you wanted (that is: banging lots of different people). But those are going to be folks who are ultimately just not compatible with you. They want different things than what you offer; that doesn’t imply a lack of worth or value on your part, it just means that you two don’t mesh and that’s fine. You’re both better off finding the people who are right for you.

Similarly, someone who thinks you’re weird or defective because you’re an older virgin is someone who’s showing their whole ass. That’s very much a “them” problem, not a “you” problem, because those are emphatically people you don’t want to date. The last person that anyone should want to date is someone who’s so lacking in compassion or understanding that they’d mock someone for having not done something yet. If you meet someone who is somehow bothered by the fact that you’re a virgin, then all that’s happened is that you’ve filtered an asshole out of your dating pool.

But what about being autistic? Well… what about it? Yes, it can be a challenge, I’m not going to lie. But there’s a difference between being a challenge and being a disqualifier. After all, autistic people date, f--k, marry, have kids and generally do all the things neurotypical people do and have since homo sapiens branched off the primate family tree. I’ve known people who are autistic who were dating coaches, and quite successful ones at that.

The key here is going to be understanding yourself, where you may struggle and how to work with it. If you have a hard time gauging social situations or flirting, then what you’ll need to do is learn to be comfortable asking for what you need. Don’t think of this as a defect; think of this as giving people the “how to win with me” guide. If you need someone to be blunt about being attracted to you, then say that. If you need clarification or to make sure you’re understanding things correctly, ask. Can this be awkward at times? Sure… but you know what’s really awkward? Rolling the dice when you’re not sure and having it come up snake-eyes. Asking and making sure you and your date are on the same page is far less awkward and, frankly, is often pretty refreshing. The idea of being willing to say “hey, I want to make sure I’m reading this correctly” or being up front is going to be like a cool washcloth on a sunburn compared to the games that some folks play. Letting people know where you stand and where they stand with you is going to be like a super power, especially for folks who are used to always feeling vaguely off-balance about what’s going on.

Can this seem strange or unusual to people you may date? Sure… but once again, perfection is not necessary, nor is it wanted. It’s just part of what makes you uniquely you. And someone who’s right for you is going to understand and appreciate that.

The last thing I would suggest is what I tell people all the time: adopt a mindset of “what makes you right for me?” when you’re meeting people. That is: your time in this life is limited and you want to minimize spending time on people who just aren’t right for you.

When you meet someone attractive, that’s literally all you know about them – that you think they’re cute or hot. That doesn’t make them a better person than you or someone who’s opinion is so important that you need to prove your worth before you’re “allowed” to be interested in them or whatever. You don’t want to enter into social interactions with the ideas that you’re already in the red and have to work to get to neutral; that’s a recipe for insecurity and anxiety. Instead, you want to come in with a curious mindset: what makes them tick, what do they have going for themselves and are they someone who’s ultimately compatible with you? Are they worth your time? Ideally, you want to go in with the overall hope that they are, but not so eager that you ignore or overlook deal breakers or signs that they’re not right for you.

It’s also worth remembering: most people who you’re likely to meet and date aren’t looking to disqualify you or find fault. They want this to work as much as you do. You’re partners in hoping this is going to be the last date you go on. Relationships are collaborations. They’re “here’s what I bring to the table, what do you bring and what happens when we put those together” – the jam band model, rather than an antagonistic one.

Keep those in mind and you’re going to do just fine, SIF.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com