DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for your insightful advice on the blog. I (26F) have a relationship issue with my boyfriend (29M). We just started dating only 2 weeks after 2 months of being kinda-close friends.

When we first slept together, he kept talking about how he didn’t want kids, EVER. I knew about this even before we dated, despite knowing I wanted kids in the future. This is because I don’t know where things are heading with this guy, so talking about kids seems too early an issue for me – I want to have fun, making memories with him. Also, I like him a lot, A LOT. He taught me to find my own security and stability in relationships in general.

But every time we slept together, he kept talking about not wanting kids. And he doesn’t want to be married either because, in his words, “he likes his loneliness”. For me, I like this guy so much that I hope our relationship can be more serious within a year. And maybe, marriage in the future, who knows.

But, now that I understand his desires, I think the best thing to do is to break it off, although we just started to go out 2 weeks ago. I no longer hope that he will change his mind. I no long hope that we can be any more serious than a few dates per week.

But…I like him a lot and want to make more memories with him. I was thinking about suggesting to him that we could date for a year or two, with both of us understanding that the relationship can never be that serious. When the time comes when we want to be serious with our life, we will both break up amicably. Knowing his personality, there is a high chance that he would agree. However, this seems kinda risky on the emotions, so I wonder if this is a good idea? I am confident that I can manage my feelings after 1 year of dating him. We have only been dating for 2 weeks, I’d rather we broke up when we stopped having feelings for each other than for some issues that might not even be related to our situation. By that, I mean we might not even get to talk about these things when we are done having fun with each other.

I apologize if this all sounds confusing. It sounds confusing to me, really. It’s just that the whole universe is telling me to break up with him, but I like him. I admire him. I want to look back on my twenties with him in it when I’m old.

Sincerely,

Time To Move On?

DEAR TIME TO MOVE ON: Hoo boy.

TMO, I say this as someone who knew his wife for nearly a decade before we started dating and dated for years before getting engaged: two weeks is way the f--k too soon to be thinking of kids and marriage no matter how long you knew each other beforehand. Two months of “kinda-close” friends before dating? That’s not just “no” but “hell no”.

At two weeks, you’re not even at the “I feel comfortable farting in front of you” stage, never mind out of the honeymoon period, and decidedly not at a point where marriage or kids should ever enter the picture. You, quite literally, do not know him well enough to make that decision.

Now that is a general rule – something that I feel applies to pretty much every relationship, regardless of age, gender or sexuality. In your case specifically? I’m going to go ahead and tell you to save yourself the heart ache and end things now because your beau is already giving you the wave off.

This is not a situation where you’re going to have a lot of happy memories and adventures, followed by a mutually amicable break up. This is going to be a miserable slog for you and likely for him because he clearly sees what you are hoping for and he’s trying to tell you now that it’s never going to happen.

Seriously, I don’t know how much clearer this could possibly be. I mean, the first time you slept together, he’s telling you he doesn’t want kids. OK, maybe you could see that as a “no accidental pregnancies” sort of thing if you squint. A lot. It’s not, but under other circumstances, I could at least pretend to commiserate about how horny thinking might mistranslate that.

But there’s horny thinking and then there’s seeing a guy waving giant red flags in semaphore saying “no, not happening, never gonna happen” and thinking “aww, he’s doing an interpretive dance for me!” You’re more or less deliberately ignoring the fact that you knew this about him in advance. Well, he’s made it clear that’s never going to happen.

But the fact that he’s repeatedly reiterating “no kids, ever” and “I never want to get married” is the much bigger tell here. It seems pretty clear here that you’re giving off a vibe of marriage, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs and he’s not only picked up on it but is telling you in no uncertain terms that this is not a thing, it’s not ever going to be a thing and you really need to abandon all hope already.

And as someone who’s done the whole “swear up and down that no, I know exactly what I’m getting into, I’m cool with this being completely casual, no labels no expectations, we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend” dance and knew damn good and well I was lying to myself. I am here from the future to tell you that you aren’t going to be able to make “this is a completely unserious relationship with a hard cut off” work. The only question is who you’re trying to convince: him or yourself. And honestly? I suspect it’s you.

I think that if you do this, you’d be constantly on the lookout for signs that maaaaaaybe he’s changing his mind or maaaaaybe you’ve convinced him. You will be reading the metaphorical tea leaves, trying to find evidence that he’s coming around to your way of thinking and frustrating all your friends when you keep talking about it. And then this will end in tears and heart break when he reminds you, again, that he meant what he said.

You should not be dating this guy. You definitely shouldn’t be thinking long-term about anyone after just two weeks of dating and certainly not him, specifically. Continuing to do so will end badly, messily and all over the place. The only question is to what extent and who’s going to catch the splash damage in the process.

Do yourself a favor and break up with him now. You and he aren’t compatible and you have put the cart so far before the horse that you’re in another county with no idea how you got there and the horse has f--ked off back to the stables. Go, date other people casually and leave thoughts of marriage and kids for a time when you actually have known someone longer than your total vacation days at work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a longtime reader, and have even tried putting some of your advice into practice, but likely haven’t put as much effort as I should have. My question is: how do I get started?

This is a little more complicated than it sounds. I’m a virgin at 39, on the spectrum, and currently living with my parents for the next few months (it was only meant to be a few months, but turned into years as my parents suffers health problems and major money problems). I also suffer from depression and severe social anxiety. So there are my main excuses – bad at socializing, bad with my emotions kicking my ass, and broke and living with mom and dad when I’m about to become middle aged.

As for my past, I have never dated, ever. I’ve had a few chances, but I literally cannot tell when someone is flirting, and have been told by a witness that sometimes a girl has actually tried flirting with me. I was too scared to even talk with girls in high school, any of my colleges, and only tried once at a job that led to very embarrassing results. I can’t even keep a friendship going, as most people find me boring after a while, but I also am in an area where finding people with likeminded hobbies and interests is rare (let’s just say I live in a place in Florida where even churches have political banners out front). So I just don’t have any history in sex and romance, and the few times people have either assumed this or I’ve hinted at it have led to some rather disparaging remarks.

Now here is what I’ve done in the last two years that counts as progress: I’ve taken an accelerated college course for a business degree, and despite a severe bout with depression nearly derailing that for a fourth time, I am only a few classes from graduating, likely in March. I am planning on following that up with getting a computer tech certificate with Coursera, and am taking a TEFL course in Mexico to teach English while I live in Mexico. I have started taking my hobby seriously (indie game dev, not aiming to be one the big success stories but make a steady living), and have started working out (for maybe the 10th attempt). I can’t promise all of these will prove fruitful, but I am trying.

So I’m asking how to get started in dating. On my good days, I don’t think I’m hideous, just very average and kind of forgettable looking. I have a stutter, but I’m not embarrassed by it normally, just a little frustrated at times. I am also an introvert, and know what places I just can’t get comfortable at tend to be the most popular for meeting people (bars, clubs, and concerts, or anywhere that’s crowded and loud just send me into a panic). I know my situation is a little less common (I am moving to Mexico, not just visiting, as I refuse to give up this time), but do you have any advice on how someone like me (older virgin with no experience) actually try dating or meeting people?

Thank you for any advice you can give.

Stuck In First

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST: As a long-time reader, SIF, I’m sure you’ve seen the times when I’ve said that the question you’re asking isn’t the question you think you’re asking.

Well, this is one of those times. How do you start dating? Well, you go out and you meet people, ask some out on a date. Someone says yes and boom, congrats, you’re dating. Yes, it’s a bit reductive, but that’s the gist. I have written literally hundreds of columns in the archives, as well as several books, if you want more specifics… but I don’t think that’s what you’re actually asking for.

A lot of times, when someone asks how to start dating, what they’re really asking is “how do I stop feeling like dating is impossible” or “am I allowed to start dating?” This is especially true if – like you – they’re older and have little to no social experience. What they’re often the most worried about is the idea that they have crossed some Rubicon, where they’re no longer “allowed” to date because they took too long or that they have too many handicaps in order to date.

And your list of supposed drawbacks – you’re autistic, you’re approaching being a literal 40-year old virgin, you live at home and have mental health issues – makes it sound like your question is very much like the latter.

Well, let’s take a few of these on, in order of importance and relevance. But first, I want to give you a phrase to keep in mind that will be relevant for pretty much everything we cover: “perfection isn’t necessary or even desirable”. Perfection is the hobgoblin of a scared mind, the idea that only the best of the best will ever do when in reality, nobody wants that nor would even know what to do with it if they had it. Perfection is necessary when you’re tuning a piano. Are you a piano? If not, then “good enough” is, in fact, good enough.

Which actually leads to my next point. The most important, to my mind, are your depression and social anxiety. These are going to be the biggest drawbacks to your dating life, primarily because they’re the ones that are going to have the greatest effects relative to your goal.

I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about being in good general working order when it comes to dating. This is one of those times where that question is going to be important. If your depression or anxiety aren’t under control or managed – and please note carefully that I say “managed” and not “fixed” – then you’re going to have a much harder time, on multiple axes.

Social anxiety, for example, is going to make it harder to talk to people, to put yourself out there and to trust yourself enough to actually shoot your shot. It’s very difficult, and I speak from experience here, to be genuinely connect with people or to be your most authentic, polished self if you’re mentally analyzing every word, intonation and micro-expression for meaning for fear that you’re doing something wrong. It’s also difficult to build or maintain a relationship when depression is your co-pilot, dripping poison in your ear about yourself, about how others supposedly feel or even just whether this is worth the effort.

But if you have a reasonable handle on those – you’re working with a therapist, you have medication that helps or you’ve been practicing your CBT exercises – then that’s not an issue that will prevent you from dating. It’ll be something to pay attention to and make sure that it doesn’t slip its leash, but if you’ve got more or less under control, then you’re fine.

Now, I do think that getting some practice on your social skills is going to be important, especially if your anxiety has made it harder. But working on being more social in general will help you with meeting people you might want to date. You don’t need to be able to mask yourself so thoroughly nobody would ever know you’re autistic or anxious; you just need to be reasonably social and able to navigate social situations.

Perfection is not necessary, nor even wanted.

Next: you live with your parents. This is going to be a handicap mostly in that it makes it harder to bring someone home for loud crazy sex like weasels in heat in a burlap sack. Otherwise, it’s not going to be nearly as much of a handicap as you might expect. Living with family isn’t nearly the dealbreaker that you’d think. Living in a multi-generational household is very normal in most cultures in general. In the US, it’s becoming increasingly common, especially as rents skyrocket, housing inventory gets snapped up by corporations and short-term rental schemes and inflated prices mean that many people can’t afford to even make a down payment on a home.

Just as importantly though, what you’re dealing with isn’t some failure-to-launch situation – which is what a lot of the stigma around “living with your parents” amounts to. You’re taking care of elderly parents who have both health issues and money problems. Most people, especially people who are worth your time, are going to not just understand that but see that as a mark in your favor. You’re taking care of your aging parents! That says a lot about you as a person – that you’re compassionate and generous and give back to the people who gave so much to you.

Now the things that I would say are the least relevant are your being autistic and lack of experience. First and foremost, I think people overestimate the impact of “experience”. There are benefits to dating experience in as much as you know yourself and your patterns in relationships, you have a handle on what you want and you’re a little more secure in the bumps and potholes that crop up in every relationship. But having lots of dating experience doesn’t directly translate to “is good at dating”, any more than “has had lots of sexual partners” directly translates to “is good at sex”. Someone who has only ever dated their high-school sweetheart and were married for 30 years doesn’t have a “lot of dating experience”, but is doing just fine.

Now, there may be people who might not want to date you because that lack of experience may mean that you aren’t sure of what you want out of a relationship, or who may worry that this will mean that you’ve not had all of the ‘experiences’ that you wanted (that is: banging lots of different people). But those are going to be folks who are ultimately just not compatible with you. They want different things than what you offer; that doesn’t imply a lack of worth or value on your part, it just means that you two don’t mesh and that’s fine. You’re both better off finding the people who are right for you.

Similarly, someone who thinks you’re weird or defective because you’re an older virgin is someone who’s showing their whole ass. That’s very much a “them” problem, not a “you” problem, because those are emphatically people you don’t want to date. The last person that anyone should want to date is someone who’s so lacking in compassion or understanding that they’d mock someone for having not done something yet. If you meet someone who is somehow bothered by the fact that you’re a virgin, then all that’s happened is that you’ve filtered an asshole out of your dating pool.

But what about being autistic? Well… what about it? Yes, it can be a challenge, I’m not going to lie. But there’s a difference between being a challenge and being a disqualifier. After all, autistic people date, f--k, marry, have kids and generally do all the things neurotypical people do and have since homo sapiens branched off the primate family tree. I’ve known people who are autistic who were dating coaches, and quite successful ones at that.

The key here is going to be understanding yourself, where you may struggle and how to work with it. If you have a hard time gauging social situations or flirting, then what you’ll need to do is learn to be comfortable asking for what you need. Don’t think of this as a defect; think of this as giving people the “how to win with me” guide. If you need someone to be blunt about being attracted to you, then say that. If you need clarification or to make sure you’re understanding things correctly, ask. Can this be awkward at times? Sure… but you know what’s really awkward? Rolling the dice when you’re not sure and having it come up snake-eyes. Asking and making sure you and your date are on the same page is far less awkward and, frankly, is often pretty refreshing. The idea of being willing to say “hey, I want to make sure I’m reading this correctly” or being up front is going to be like a cool washcloth on a sunburn compared to the games that some folks play. Letting people know where you stand and where they stand with you is going to be like a super power, especially for folks who are used to always feeling vaguely off-balance about what’s going on.

Can this seem strange or unusual to people you may date? Sure… but once again, perfection is not necessary, nor is it wanted. It’s just part of what makes you uniquely you. And someone who’s right for you is going to understand and appreciate that.

The last thing I would suggest is what I tell people all the time: adopt a mindset of “what makes you right for me?” when you’re meeting people. That is: your time in this life is limited and you want to minimize spending time on people who just aren’t right for you.

When you meet someone attractive, that’s literally all you know about them – that you think they’re cute or hot. That doesn’t make them a better person than you or someone who’s opinion is so important that you need to prove your worth before you’re “allowed” to be interested in them or whatever. You don’t want to enter into social interactions with the ideas that you’re already in the red and have to work to get to neutral; that’s a recipe for insecurity and anxiety. Instead, you want to come in with a curious mindset: what makes them tick, what do they have going for themselves and are they someone who’s ultimately compatible with you? Are they worth your time? Ideally, you want to go in with the overall hope that they are, but not so eager that you ignore or overlook deal breakers or signs that they’re not right for you.

It’s also worth remembering: most people who you’re likely to meet and date aren’t looking to disqualify you or find fault. They want this to work as much as you do. You’re partners in hoping this is going to be the last date you go on. Relationships are collaborations. They’re “here’s what I bring to the table, what do you bring and what happens when we put those together” – the jam band model, rather than an antagonistic one.

Keep those in mind and you’re going to do just fine, SIF.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been following your column for some time and while I find your dating advice pretty solid, I’m more interested in developing close friendships in my life and not necessarily relationships.

A bit more about me, I’m a 30 plus straight male and I’ve recently had a chance to move out of my hometown to a place I’ve been dreaming about moving to for years for a new job. I finally make enough to afford my own place and still maintain a comfortable standard of living. Sadly, I’ve had to leave my friends from back home behind.

I’ve always had issues making friends, the ones I have are from long ago and many of the more recent ones are from my last job that I had to leave behind. While you mention going out to various activities and events to live life like you give a damn, there’s not a lot of them that I even find myself interested in.

I’d like to make more friends with some men but I can’t stand pretending to like or care about sports. The closest I have in common with some traditionally masculine men is a love for cars and the last meet up I went to for that I took off immediately when I saw nothing but older boomers there. Tabletop gaming or DnD isn’t as much fun either with strangers either for me as I kind of feel bored when I’m not playing with friends.

In terms of developing new hobbies, I’m kind of at a loss. Most of my interests are kind of solitary in nature and I’m not super inclined to start dancing or learning to cook. I understand that you need to have hobbies like this to meet your people but I can’t see myself really wanting to go to activities like this for more than a few times.

It’s not to say I’m not passionate about the hobbies I have, its more to do with the fact that other people may not appreciate that passion in something they don’t have any interest in. I’d like to work on getting that support system back up in a new town but I’m not sure how to go about with the above issues. I’d appreciate whatever thoughts you might have about this.

Thank you,

New Guy In A New Town

DEAR NEW GUY IN A NEW TOWN: It sounds to me like part of your problem is that you have a lot of baked in assumptions, and a big part of what you need is to start broadening your horizons. If you want things to be different, you have to start doing things differently.

The first thing to consider is that I think you have a very narrow and limited idea about who you might be friends with or how you might meet them. You’ve written off broad groups of people, not because of who they are as individuals, but because of theoretical scenarios that exist primarily in your head.

One thing that’s worth considering is how often what we dislike or find intolerable in others is often a reflection of what we see in ourselves. Take, for example, when you say “other people may not appreciate that passion in something they don’t have any interest in.” This is very much a case of “the call is coming from inside the house” situation, seeing as you also say “I can’t stand pretending to like or care about sports”.

That’s a pretty solid indicator of one area where you’re having issues. You’re lamenting that other people have the same lack of interest or respect for other people’s passions when you won’t give them the same grace. If you can’t at least appreciate other people’s enthusiasm for the things they love, even if you don’t share it, then why should they?

This sort of mindset is precisely the sort of thing that is going to hold you back. Part of what makes somebody more charming or charismatic is simply being interested in others – being interested is interesting. If you’re going to write off entire swaths of people based on a hobby or passionate interest, you’re going to find yourself with a very narrow pool to choose from indeed.

Having an open mind and being willing to give more things and more people a fair shake is important if you want to build a new social circle. Right now, you’re putting up barriers between yourself and potential friends, when that’s the last thing you want. If you want to meet more people and, importantly, meet people who you could be friends with, you have to put yourself in fortune’s path, not walling off opportunities. And friends can come from a number of unexpected places.

Let’s take the idea that you’re going to have to pretend to like sports. We’ll come back to liking or pretending to care in a moment, but it seems as though you’ve landed on the idea that if a man likes sports, that defines his entire personality, or that liking sports is a sign that you and they are incompatible as friends. While yeah, there’re folks whose entire lives revolve around their local football team or their particular fandom… but it’s very rare indeed that you’re going to find someone for whom sports is their sole defining quality. In fact, what if I told you that there are many, anime-quoting, D&D loving nerds out there… who also enjoy sports? Or that people who love sports are also capable of enjoying the same sorts of hobbies you do?

Another possibility is that you may find overlap in interests in other areas. If you don’t like football but you’re into professional wrestling… that may be a place that the two of you find commonality. That can’t happen if you’re starting from a place of “well if they like X, I can’t hang with them.” That’s reasonable if, say, they’re into pushing anti-LGBTQ legislation, less so if it’s strictly about what you’re both passionate about.

This is an area where being both curious about others but also being able to communicate and relate to passion becomes important with regard to making friends. If you’re going to assume that Johnny BengalsFan is out of the running simply because he loves football, you will never know that he’s also playing a Baldur’s Gate 3 co-op campaign.

The same applies to relating to somebody’s passion or love for their hobbies. You may not share it precisely, but I’m willing to bet that you’re able to find overlap between their interest and yours. Fantasy football is as much of an RPG as tromping around Faerûn as a deep gnome warlock – the primary difference are that outcomes are managed by players on the field, rather than clicky clacky math rocks. You may not be into the game itself, but I bet you can find aspects remind you of the things you love and relate to that.

This applies in reverse, too; if you can explain why you love something and what it is you love about it, the people who you’re likely to be compatible with as friends are going to look for (or find) areas where they can relate.

You should also consider why you don’t like something and whether it’s time to give it another fair shake. I, like many nerds, never got into sports. Part of this was because of dealing with jock culture in middle school and high-school, sure, but another part was because… well since I was more bookish and solitary at the time, I never had anyone really to guide me through understanding the game through the eyes of someone who loved it. I was content to sit with the stereotype of the jock jerk and remain proud in my ignorance, as though it were a badge of honor. It was only later in life that I realized that no, sports can be fun as hell if you give it a chance.

S--t, even going to a game and just enjoying being around other people getting worked up can be entertaining, even if you’re not necessarily into the game itself.

Now, I’m hammering sports here, simply because it’s the most salient example from your letter, but this can be applied to other things, too. If most of your hobbies are solitary, and you can’t find a way to engage with them in a way that brings you in contact with other people, then you may want to explore other hobbies or interests that aren’t so isolated.

As I’m often saying: if you can’t find something that you’re directly interested in, you may need to bankshot it and find something that’s at least tangentially related to your interests. But if you can’t find even that… well, then it’s time to go exploring and trying new things just for the sake of trying them. You may still discover that they’re not for you and that’s fine… but at least now you know for sure, instead of letting yourself be hemmed in by boundaries that only exist in your imagination.

The other thing you have to consider is that you’re not going to find new BFFs right off the bat. The part you mention about not being interested in tabletop RPGs or board games with strangers? Well… they’re not going to become friends if you don’t give them a chance. The whole “strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet” is a cliché, sure, but it’s a cliché for a reason. Everyone’s a stranger until we get to know them. If you want to make close friendships, start with weak ties. From there it’s a matter of repetition and regularity.

In fact, repetition and regularity is another important part of finding new people – friends or romantic partners – in general. It doesn’t do you much good to go out and try new things if you go only once or go so sporadically that you rarely see the same people twice. Exposure and propinquity are part of how we foster relationships; the more often we encounter someone, the more chances we have to get to know them. That’s a lot harder to do if you go to a place once or only once every two to three weeks. How would you go about making friends with someone if you only had a 34% chance of seeing them?

This is why one of the things I tell people who want to make new friends or build a new social circle in a new city is to find places to go and go there regularly. Not “when I think about it” or “if I get a hankering” but to have a reason to make it their regular Wednesday hangout or part of what they do on Sundays. This lets you get to know the other regulars and means that if folks you meet there want to see you again, they know when they’re most likely to encounter you.

Repetition and regularity is also useful for fostering closer friendships and maintaining the ones you have. It takes upwards of 200 hours of time together to make a close friend. That’s hard to do on a sporadic schedule. Seeing someone regularly – say, once or twice every two weeks – makes it much easier to put in the time to get to that level of closeness.

This is especially true for someone like you, who’s in his 30s. As we get older, it can be harder to just go do s--t; we have too many responsibilities and obligations. But if you know that your poker buddies get together every Thursday from 6 to 9, then you can make sure to carve out space for them. And if you can’t make it one time, then at least you know you can go the next time instead of hoping that the stars align in the next seven months.

So, TL;DR: start examining your preconceived notions, be open to letting people surprise you and recognize the restrictions you’re seeing in others are often reflections of what you see in yourself. Broaden your horizons of what you may find interesting and be willing to try things that you might think aren’t “you”. Embrace those weak ties in order to build stronger connections and let repetition and regularity make it easier for you to connect with potential friends.

Do this, and you’re going to find that making friends isn’t nearly as daunting a challenge as you expect.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com