DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been using dating apps and I’m starting to think that all they do is make me feel awful with no upside. Here’s the deal: I’m a guy in my early 30s, I’m trying to date and it seems like the only way to really do so these days is to get on the apps. But I’m finding myself stuck in a weird sort of limbo.

First off, it’s like I’m invisible out there. My match rate? Practically zilch. And on the rare occasions I do get a little ping saying someone’s interested, more often than not, they just don’t spark any sort of attraction for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for personality over looks, but there’s got to be at least some initial chemistry, right?

But here’s the real kicker: Every time I swipe and wait and get nothing in return, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something off about how I come across or, really, just about my looks I’ve done everything people tell me – changed up my pictures, paid for A-List or Gold or whatever, had friends go over my profile, I’ve paid coaches for help, I’ve even sprung for professional pictures. I even went on Photofeeler to have folks rate my pictures. None of it helps at all. It’s like these apps are giving me a subtle nudge, saying, “Hey man, maybe you’re aiming too high?” or “Maybe this is the best someone like you could do?” I mean, if this is the kind of response I’m getting, do I really need to start second-guessing what I’m looking for in a partner? I keep feeling like I’m just being told over and over that what I want is just too much, I’m not good enough and I need to aim lower before anyone would even look at me. The apps were bad, the photo-feeler stuff made me feel even worse and honestly I feel like I’m slipping back into depression over this. I barely feel like going out or doing anything if this is all I’m ever going to get.

Am I just that hideous? What do I do here?

Best,

Feeling Swiped Out

DEAR FEELING SWIPED OUT: So, I’ve said before that I get so many questions about being “too ugly to date” that if I had a nickel every time I got one, I’d be able to buy Twitter back from Elon and show him how you actually run a social media site.

But I pulled your letter, FSO, because this isn’t the typical “average-guy-who-mostly-needs-a-better-haircut” letter, but rather because this is an opportunity to talk about dating apps and how they work.

I’ve talked about many of the reasons why dating apps mostly suck these days. They can still be useful tools, but like most tools, they’re only useful if you understand how to use them properly. If you treat them as though they were the arbiter of literally anything, then yeah, you’re basically signing up to take 1d4 psychic damage every time you open the app.

Here’s the thing you’re missing: the results you get on dating apps aren’t a measure of anything other than the results you’re getting on dating apps. They’re not a reliable method of determining anything else – including and especially your relative “league” or level of attractiveness.

I should also note that this isn’t exclusively a male issue. This hits women too, for the very same reasons. Especially if you’re a woman of color.

First and foremost, you need to remember that when you use a dating app, you’re signing up for increased amounts of rejection. That has nothing to do with you being ugly or not; it has everything to do with the fact that you’re going to be putting yourself out there, far more often and with greater frequency, which means that you’re going to get rejected more often, too. Most people aren’t going to try to approach twenty or thirty women over the course of an evening, but you can swipe or try to message more than twice that in the span of 15 minutes on Tinder. That means that the amount of rejection you’re courting will go up exponentially. This is part of the numbers game that is dating and you have to be prepared for that. It also means that you need to learn to not take rejection personally, especially at that scale. These are all strangers, people who you often didn’t know even existed before you opened Hinge; if you let their theoretically opinions destroy you, then you’ve given incredible power to random people who don’t know you from Prince Adam.

But there’s also the nature of the apps themselves.

Leaving aside the different, incompatible ways that men and women use the apps and the massive gender imbalances (upwards of 70/30 by some estimates), what’s happening is that, like so many social ills affecting our society today, you’re dealing with tech-bros’ assumptions about humans and human relationships… assumptions that rarely have anything to do with reality.

Take Tinder, for example. For a very long time, Tinder was using a variation of the Elo score. Elo was created as a way of ranking player skill in zero-sum games – games where is one winner and one loser – predominantly chess. Tinder used a variation that would “rank” you based on your swipes – both right and left – vs. who would swipe right or left on you. This is… not a great way to really measure anything except “is this person good or bad at online dating profiles”. And in fairness, a lot of guys suck at them – their profiles have nothing of substance and their pics are far more reflective of what they find powerful or striking rather than what women want to see in partners. In the years since, Tinder has stated that they no longer use the ELO score but instead use a different algorithm that involves swipes, super-swipes and trying to match things in your photos and profile text.

What this functionally does is affect your visibility; the higher your score, the more visible your profile is. So if you’re struggling with getting matches, a significant portion of the problem is that you’re likely not that visible to other users, for reasons that are (understandably, if frustratingly) opaque to the end user.

Tinder, however, isn’t alone in using algorithmic systems to try to “streamline” the dating experience. Hinge, OKCupid, Bumble… they all use similar algorithms. Most of them work on a similar “collaborative” model that’s akin to YouTube or Amazon’s “people who looked at X also bought Y” system. The more people who interact with a profile, the higher the profile goes in the algorithm, being shown to more people… which then makes it more popular. It’s akin to a popular show on Netflix or Hulu getting a major marketing push, while other shows languish in relative obscurity despite their quality. It’s very much a “famous for being famous” problem – profiles with high initial popularity just keep getting more engagement – and thus, visibility – because they keep being shown to more and more people.

This can be problematic in many ways, not the least of which because of how it unfairly penalizes people of color, especially Asian men and Black women, who already struggle with unconscious (and often VERY conscious) racist messaging regarding their desirability.

The algorithms also are affected by your behavior. Almost every app with a swipe mechanic will penalize users who, for example, swipe right on everyone in hopes of getting more matches. On the other hand, if you get a match with someone that you’re not into but chat with them anyway, people like that incompatible match are going to see you more often because the algorithm prioritizes engagement; you’re engaging with these people so clearly they must be your type.

I would also note that sometimes the algorithms can just be hilariously so hilariously off that they’re not even wrong. I’m a straight, cis man and Hinge’s “most compatible” feature has repeatedly tried to match me with queer men and lesbians.

None of this is helped by the fact that most dating apps these days use swipe mechanics that discourage doing more than taking a quick glance at the first couple of photos, maybe looking at the profile and deciding “yes” or “no” in that instant. And those user-patterns, encouraged by the design of the app, end up affecting when and if you’re seen by others.

So not only are certain profiles getting continual boosts (that they don’t actually need), but users get stuck in a bubble that they aren’t even aware of, because they were using the apps in good faith, under the assumption that it was a fair and honest dealer. And while it’s understandable that they don’t want people trying to game the system for obvious reasons, the fact that there is no indication of how user behavior affects who you see and who sees you makes it incredibly difficult to use the apps effectively.

(In fact, things have gotten so bad that some people are turning to “date-me” docs – basically landing pages or Google Docs that serve as sort of dating resumes…)

It’s also worth noting that for many people, their appeal isn’t seen in still photographs or even short videos. That’s great if you’re someone who’s used to taking photos or is comfortable in front of a camera… but for most people, attraction comes from the holistic individual and can’t truly be measured except in person. Similarly, it’s very easy – especially if Tinder and Hinge or what-have-you put you in a filtered bubble – to miss out on people who you might actually be very compatible with, but who either portray themselves in ways that obfuscate that compatibility or don’t put it in their profile in the first place. But if you were to meet them in person and talk to them, you’d realize that someone who seems a poor match on paper is, in fact, your precise perfect flavor. It’s almost impossible for serendipity to happen on an app, nor is it easy to let the connection build and grow over time.

We as a species have been meeting and mating face to face for 99.999% of our species’ history. No app is going to be able to replace what we evolved towards.

So the issue isn’t that you’re ugly. The issue is, among many other things, that dating apps are poorly designed for their intended use case. It’s not made any better by grifters who don’t understand statistics, dodgy pseudoscientific “studies” that are actually just misreading limited user data and, yes, most straight men are really not good at presenting themselves in their best light.

There are some best practices that can help mitigate this – starting with deleting your account and starting over from scratch so that you’re not stuck dealing with the algorithm’s idea of who you should be into. But honestly? This is why I tell people that dating apps should be a supplement to how you meet people, not a replacement.

Apps can be useful if you want to increase the number of people you see, maybe even be surprised by who’s out there. They can be a godsend to queer people in particular, who are a very small percentage of the overall general population and frequently need their own spaces just to find one another. But in general, your best results are always going to come from trying to meet in person.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a girl and I’m facing a bit of a problem with my relationship. I have a boyfriend and I also have a guy who has a crush on me. Recently the boy with a crush told me that my boyfriend has approached a friend and he also told her that he’s not dating with someone. Should I trust my crush or my boyfriend? What if he’s telling me the truth. I’m really confused.

Who Do You Trust?

DEAR WHO DO YOU TRUST: I really wish you’d lead with how old you are, WDYT, because you sound very young. Granted, I’ve seen plenty of people in their 30s and 40s who treat interpersonal relationships like intrigue in the Imperial Court, complete with spreading rumors to discredit their rivals and whisper campaigns to win the Empress’ favor, but this reads like some high-school drama to me.

But hey, if nothing else, it’ll be a good life lesson for you going forward.

Now speaking entirely for myself: as a general rule, I’m more inclined to believe your boyfriend over the guy with the crush. There’s an agenda there, and I’ve dealt with too many people who thought that they should go telling tales when they thought they had dirt on a rival.

But that’s just me. I’m bringing my own baggage and beliefs to the table here and that influences my judgement. You actually know these guys, so you’re in a much better place to determine what’s going on and who’s on the up and up or not.

Here’s what you want to do: you want to reign in any knee-jerk reactions you may have one way or the other. Right off the bat, it’s very easy to make a snap judgement in either direction, for reasons that seem completely rational and sensible on the surface.

For example: the dude with a crush on you might have a vested interest in lying to you. You get angry at your boyfriend, you break up and hey, here comes Studly Good Night to come comfort you in your time of woe. Or your boyfriend could well be the sort of cad who’ll lie about whether he’s seeing someone or even play word games – he didn’t say he wasn’t seeing someone, so it’s not his fault if a woman took him at his word.

If you have any sort of insecurities or anxieties, especially regarding your relationship, those will play into this as well. If you already worry that you’re not “good enough” for your boyfriend or feel worried that he’ll find someone “better”, then you’re much more likely to believe someone who brings you bad news that lines up with what you’re already afraid of. But on the other hand, if you’re already annoyed or have issues with the guy who has a crush on you, you may be willing to dismiss him out of hand when he’d be telling you the absolute truth.

But this also falls into the trap of binary thinking: that one of them must be telling the truth and one must be lying. It could well be a third option: they’re both telling the truth…as they see it. Your beau with a crush could well have seen an otherwise innocent and innocuous interaction between your boyfriend and some other woman and misunderstood or misinterpreted what was actually happening… so while he may have hopes that bringing you this bad news may work out for him, he’s bringing you this information in good faith… so far as he knows, anyway.

What you want to do is to do your best to look at this as dispassionately as possible, based on what you know about your boyfriend and about the guy with a crush on you. Does your boyfriend have a track record of trying to be a player? Does he have a tendency to lie to you or to others? With all you know about him, is it genuinely plausible that he’d act like this? Has he ever behaved in a way to make you doubt his sincerity or fidelity? Has he cheated before, either on you or on previous partners? Have you ever had a reason not to trust him?

Similarly, what about the guy with a crush. Are you sure he is actually trustworthy? Have all of his behaviors been entirely on the up and up, or has he tried weird manipulative bulls--t before? Is he, for example, the sort of person who’d pull Nice Guy antics – trying to be your friend in hopes that he could backdoor his way into a relationship with you? Does he seem to be keeping track of all the things he’s done as reasons why you should pay him back with dates or sex? Is he someone who, through his actions, proven to be trustworthy and reliable?

Just as importantly, is he someone whose judgement can be trusted? Even allowing for the fact that he is not an impartial observer, has he shown ­– again, through his actions and behavior – that he’s actually a good judge of character or who can read a potentially complex situation accurately? Or is he more likely to make a rush to judgement, especially if doing so might bring him more firmly into your favor?

And while we’re at it… does he actually name names? Is this a specific person that you could go and talk to, or is it just some nebulous “other girl” who may or may not exist.

If you look into this as impartially and objectively as you can, with as much awareness of your own biases, fears and inclinations to believe one thing over another, what seems the most plausible answer to you?

If you have actual reason to not trust your boyfriend – not just out of anxiety but things he’s done that have set off your Spidey-sense – then you may want to confront him over this. But if that doesn’t sound even vaguely like something he’d do? I’d hold off on the accusations.

And if the guy with a crush is someone who isn’t a stand up guy who just happens to be infatuated with you? Well… I think his agenda is a little too obvious for him to be trusted without more than just his word on the matter.

Do your best with what you know to be true, and then let that be your guide.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your stuff recently because I’m having a problem and I don’t think you’ve ever answered a question like mine.

Some backstory: I’m probably typical for a lot of your audience. Young, male, straight, nerdy, lot of time on computers, probably somewhere on the spectrum (haven’t gotten tested, but I think I’ve got ADHD like everyone else these days), few dates and zero relationships. Still got my v-card, though I’ve gone further than some guys who write in.

I’m also like a lot of guys who write in because I’ve heard all the same arguments about women and men and I feel like I can’t meet women’s standards, like I can’t get women’s attention when I’m out and I’m not supposed to talk to them unless I’m getting all the signs that they want me or else I’m a creep or bothering them because I’m just not as hot as the guys they want to talk to.

You say all of that’s bulls--t and everything I’ve read or whatever is wrong and you know what? I want to believe you. I can see how maybe you’re right and everyone else is wrong. But how do I start believing that? It’s not like I can just snap my fingers and change what I’ve seen. Like I can just LOOK at dating apps and see how great women are doing while men have to swipe hundreds of times to get even one match and the few matches we DO get are either not attractive, thots trying to get people to sign up to their OF, bots trying to steal my money or actual prostitutes. I see the guys women talk about being so hot and I don’t look like ANY of them. I’m not skinny and feminine like the kpop guys, I’m not tall or jacked like the athletes or the movie stars or even all the Kens in the Barbie movie.

I want to believe I’m wrong and that you’re actually telling the truth, so how do I change that? Like, I work in big box retail, I’m not going to have a six figure bank account or anything like that. I’m not funny, I’m not smooth or a player, half the time I don’t even know how to flirt with a girl.

I’m not trying to pick fights here, I swear, I really WANT to believe it’s not all just 20% of men getting all the women or that women only want guys who have six pack abs. I don’t want to be in my 30s still a virgin and be one of the losers complaining that they didn’t get to f--k teenagers or whatever. What do I do to change this so I’m not feeling like I’m always going to be picked last in gym class?

Men Have It Worse, Please Change My Mind

DEAR MEN HAVE IT WORSE, PLEASE CHANGE MY MIND: You know, MHWPCM, I get a lot of letters that are basically just demands that I debate them – mostly, I suspect from folks who are hoping to launder weird red pill/black pill s--t through my column. But hey, you caught me on a day when someone saying “No, seriously, I WANT to change my mind on this” is a refreshing change. So I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and take you at your word.

Which, considering you’ve got a Steven Crowder reference in your sign-off, is something of a heavy lift.

So how do you change your mind about this? Well to start with, you do what I tell people all the time: you quit going to the places that tell you that women are the enemy, that they overestimate their “sexual market value” (or whatever the redpill bros are calling it these days), or who act like women have no interior life and only respond to stimuli that flip their switches like they’re biological robots with very basic programming

One of the things that people miss is what’s known as the Illusory Truth effect; if you hear misinformation over and over again, you’re likely to start believing it… often even when you know it’s misinformation. Familiarity can overpower skepticism if it’s reinforced often enough. Cutting off exposure to the repetition goes a long way to diminishing the effects and letting your rational mind get back in control.

It also means that you’re no longer dealing with people who want you to believe that you’re hopeless and helpless. Some of them want to push an agenda, some want to create a problem and then sell you the solution, but many – if not most – want more people to buy in so that they aren’t the only crabs in the bucket. This is similar to how incels refer to anything that isn’t total agreement with their beliefs as “cope” – anyone who demonstrates that improvement is possible makes it harder for them to hold onto the idea that they’re victims of an unfair and uncaring system instead of the result of the choices they’ve made.

But that’s part of how you stop making things worse, not how you make them better. The next step is to make the decision to believe differently.

Yes, I know, I know, “Oh sure, I’ll just snap my fingers and suddenly my beliefs are different.” But yeah, actually, that’s kinda how it works. You’ve already done this before. I’m presuming that at your age, you no longer believe in Santa Claus. That isn’t something you came to from rational investigation; more often than not it’s social pressure (“you’re too old to do X”) that changed your mind and then hindsight bias fills in the details.

Similarly, you didn’t do rational study to come to the conclusion that women have a better time on dating apps or never struggle to find dates. You had your own frustrations – and I want to emphasize that those are real – and then were presented “answers” that felt logical. They weren’t. They were a mix of confirming what you already believed, but also a certain amount of projection – the assumption that women have the same beliefs and priorities that men do. Guys tend to be more responsive to muscular dudes because those builds represent power. Guys tend to see having money as making one more important, more influential and aspire to be like those guys. Same with the cars, preoccupation with height or hair or whatever else.

Likewise, men will project their feelings and desires about women onto women in reverse. Guys who want to bang women who would make their friends jealous will project the inverse onto women – women want those guys that he would envy. Women care about six pack abs because men’s beauty standards for women are so stringent.

It’s easy to project that desire onto women, because you feel that of course they have to be into it as well. A lot of the beliefs about what women “want” is really just “well, that’s what I would want if I were a woman”.

Then confirmation bias kicks in, and it’s much easier to find “evidence” of the things you already believe to be true, while finding excuses as to why things that contradict those beliefs are wrong or are exceptions to the rule.

Changing what you believe is about changing how you perceive the world. You want to take those things that you bought into – the whole six sixes thing, the “women only like THIS kind of guy”, the supposed alpha/beta divide s--t – and decide that no, you don’t actually believe that.

So if confirmation bias is going to make you see the evidence everywhere, you may as well choose to believe things that will help you instead of harm you.

That’s why the next steps aren’t just saying the words like a magic spell; it’s to go out seeking proof that your old beliefs are wrong while living and acting like you have already found that proof.

To give an example, you can start going around and looking at who women actually date. Yeah, you’ll see some pretty people dating other pretty people, but you’re also going to see absolutely average men dating attractive women and attractive men dating women who you would think are mid at best. You’re going to see that fat guys, short guys, bald guys, femme-presenting guys all do, in fact, date, marry, have kids and live their best lives without the benefits of a Bugatti or any of Andrew Tate’s sex-trafficking, fraudster bulls--t.

(Also, practically speaking, sports cars are s--t. Not only do women not care about them nearly as much as men do, but they’re absolutely the wrong car for everything you do on a daily and weekly basis. Try fitting friends into an Audi R8 for a road trip or getting groceries in a Ferarri some time.)

Similarly, if you just interact with people as people, rather than trying to run game on them, you’ll find that most folks are actually a lot more friendly or open to talk than you currently believe. Part of the reason why women will complain on TikTok or whatnot about guys approaching them everywhere isn’t that they don’t want to talk to ugly dudes. It’s that they’re running int guys who don’t care about them as people but are just trying to get dates or get laid; the individual is secondary to the goal. The guys frequently don’t care about what the other person wants; their desire to talk to her has overridden her desire to not be hit on and so they just bulldoze through and are about as welcome as a cockroach on an ice cream cone.

A guy who is willing to read the room, to be friendly and normal rather than going about like a horny shark is going to be far more welcome… especially since he’s much more likely to recognize the difference between someone who wants to talk and someone who wants to be left alone.

Another thing to consider is just how those beliefs affect how you interact with women. Let’s say for argument’s sake that you’re at a bar and see a hot woman. Under the ideas you already hold, if you were to go talk to her, you’re already at a disadvantage. You’re not six foot whatever, you don’t have washboard abs or a six figure salary. So now you’re coming to the interaction with the idea that you need to seek her approval because you are somehow less than her. So now you’re in a place where you feel like you have to “prove” your worth to her so that she’ll find you attractive and then maybe the power dynamic will switch.

Except… what do you actually know about her that makes her someone whose approval would be important? You know she’s hot… but that’s it. Hotness is situational at best, especially in environments like bars or clubs; it’s the product of a hell of a lot of prep work and effort. It’s not an objective measure of one’s value or importance. You know nothing else about her – whether she’s a good person or not, whether she’s even someone you would like. So you are putting yourself in a position where you crave the approval and validation of a total stranger who may well be a complete s--thead.

And on top of that, you’ve put yourself into a mindset that since you have to gain her approval, you have to do everything as close to perfection as you can, because she’s (supposedly) looking for reasons to disqualify you. If you show the slightest bit of weakness then BOOM you’re out.

Now sure, there’re women out there who are like that. They’re uncommon at best and tend to be in very specialized and specific environments, but they do exist. But those are also people who you would never actually want to f--k because they’re awful people. So anyone who is legitimately like that is someone you should avoid.

What you should be doing is coming to the interaction with an air of interest in getting to know them. Are they someone who’s worth your time – not because you’re The Emperor of All Ice Cream or whatever but because life on this planet is too damn short to spend on folks who aren’t right for you. So getting to know her, being curious to see if there’s more than just looks and if what she brings to the table meshes with what you bring to the table, puts you in a much better place. It’s collaborative, not supplicating, nor competitive.

But what if you don’t bring anything to the table? Well… then instead of saying that women are too rigid, too privileged or whatever… focus on finding the things that you bring to the table. Go out and cultivate those skills, those interests, the things that would make you uniquely you and make someone who’s compatible with you wish you’d come into her life. If you see yourself as someone who can improve, instead of someone who’s been f--ked by the fickle finger of fate, then you have made yourself 100% more datable that the dudes telling you that if you make 75k a year, you’re too poor for women.

Oh, and remember what I said about repetition and belief? Well, that works both ways. Part of why positive self-talk, including affirmations, are powerful is that it changes how you see yourself. Saying it to yourself over and over again invokes the same effect as hearing other people saying something over and over again. So if you’re telling yourself that you ain’t s--t and that no woman will ever love you? Congrats, you played yourself and ensured that you believe it. If you tell yourself that yeah actually, you’re pretty damn hot and the right woman would be lucky to have you, you will come to believe it. And by believing it, you come to embody it through your actions and behaviors.

But what about all the times when things don’t work out and they don’t like you? Well, that’s simple: that’s just, like, their opinion, man. That’s one person out of thousands. And if you do need to work on something – maybe cultivating your sense of humor or working on connecting with women on an emotional level – then that’s well within your ability to achieve. It’s telling yourself that you can do better and you will do better, instead of throwing your hands in the air and declaring that it’s all bulls--t.

Please note carefully as you read this that it’s not just about belief, it’s about action. Belief by itself isn’t going to improve anything. Belief is motivation. It’s what pushes you to act – either to make your move or to work on yourself so that you are better prepared to pursue your goals. To quote the master: knowledge without mileage equals bulls--t. If you’re not putting belief to work, then you’re not doing any better than letting your belief be the reason you don’t do something.

So if you want to change your beliefs, choose to do so and go out and prove your new beliefs to be correct and your old beliefs to be wrong. I promise you: you will find all the evidence you need when you do.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com