DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your stuff recently because I’m having a problem and I don’t think you’ve ever answered a question like mine.

Some backstory: I’m probably typical for a lot of your audience. Young, male, straight, nerdy, lot of time on computers, probably somewhere on the spectrum (haven’t gotten tested, but I think I’ve got ADHD like everyone else these days), few dates and zero relationships. Still got my v-card, though I’ve gone further than some guys who write in.

I’m also like a lot of guys who write in because I’ve heard all the same arguments about women and men and I feel like I can’t meet women’s standards, like I can’t get women’s attention when I’m out and I’m not supposed to talk to them unless I’m getting all the signs that they want me or else I’m a creep or bothering them because I’m just not as hot as the guys they want to talk to.

You say all of that’s bulls--t and everything I’ve read or whatever is wrong and you know what? I want to believe you. I can see how maybe you’re right and everyone else is wrong. But how do I start believing that? It’s not like I can just snap my fingers and change what I’ve seen. Like I can just LOOK at dating apps and see how great women are doing while men have to swipe hundreds of times to get even one match and the few matches we DO get are either not attractive, thots trying to get people to sign up to their OF, bots trying to steal my money or actual prostitutes. I see the guys women talk about being so hot and I don’t look like ANY of them. I’m not skinny and feminine like the kpop guys, I’m not tall or jacked like the athletes or the movie stars or even all the Kens in the Barbie movie.

I want to believe I’m wrong and that you’re actually telling the truth, so how do I change that? Like, I work in big box retail, I’m not going to have a six figure bank account or anything like that. I’m not funny, I’m not smooth or a player, half the time I don’t even know how to flirt with a girl.

I’m not trying to pick fights here, I swear, I really WANT to believe it’s not all just 20% of men getting all the women or that women only want guys who have six pack abs. I don’t want to be in my 30s still a virgin and be one of the losers complaining that they didn’t get to f--k teenagers or whatever. What do I do to change this so I’m not feeling like I’m always going to be picked last in gym class?

Men Have It Worse, Please Change My Mind

DEAR MEN HAVE IT WORSE, PLEASE CHANGE MY MIND: You know, MHWPCM, I get a lot of letters that are basically just demands that I debate them – mostly, I suspect from folks who are hoping to launder weird red pill/black pill s--t through my column. But hey, you caught me on a day when someone saying “No, seriously, I WANT to change my mind on this” is a refreshing change. So I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and take you at your word.

Which, considering you’ve got a Steven Crowder reference in your sign-off, is something of a heavy lift.

So how do you change your mind about this? Well to start with, you do what I tell people all the time: you quit going to the places that tell you that women are the enemy, that they overestimate their “sexual market value” (or whatever the redpill bros are calling it these days), or who act like women have no interior life and only respond to stimuli that flip their switches like they’re biological robots with very basic programming

One of the things that people miss is what’s known as the Illusory Truth effect; if you hear misinformation over and over again, you’re likely to start believing it… often even when you know it’s misinformation. Familiarity can overpower skepticism if it’s reinforced often enough. Cutting off exposure to the repetition goes a long way to diminishing the effects and letting your rational mind get back in control.

It also means that you’re no longer dealing with people who want you to believe that you’re hopeless and helpless. Some of them want to push an agenda, some want to create a problem and then sell you the solution, but many – if not most – want more people to buy in so that they aren’t the only crabs in the bucket. This is similar to how incels refer to anything that isn’t total agreement with their beliefs as “cope” – anyone who demonstrates that improvement is possible makes it harder for them to hold onto the idea that they’re victims of an unfair and uncaring system instead of the result of the choices they’ve made.

But that’s part of how you stop making things worse, not how you make them better. The next step is to make the decision to believe differently.

Yes, I know, I know, “Oh sure, I’ll just snap my fingers and suddenly my beliefs are different.” But yeah, actually, that’s kinda how it works. You’ve already done this before. I’m presuming that at your age, you no longer believe in Santa Claus. That isn’t something you came to from rational investigation; more often than not it’s social pressure (“you’re too old to do X”) that changed your mind and then hindsight bias fills in the details.

Similarly, you didn’t do rational study to come to the conclusion that women have a better time on dating apps or never struggle to find dates. You had your own frustrations – and I want to emphasize that those are real – and then were presented “answers” that felt logical. They weren’t. They were a mix of confirming what you already believed, but also a certain amount of projection – the assumption that women have the same beliefs and priorities that men do. Guys tend to be more responsive to muscular dudes because those builds represent power. Guys tend to see having money as making one more important, more influential and aspire to be like those guys. Same with the cars, preoccupation with height or hair or whatever else.

Likewise, men will project their feelings and desires about women onto women in reverse. Guys who want to bang women who would make their friends jealous will project the inverse onto women – women want those guys that he would envy. Women care about six pack abs because men’s beauty standards for women are so stringent.

It’s easy to project that desire onto women, because you feel that of course they have to be into it as well. A lot of the beliefs about what women “want” is really just “well, that’s what I would want if I were a woman”.

Then confirmation bias kicks in, and it’s much easier to find “evidence” of the things you already believe to be true, while finding excuses as to why things that contradict those beliefs are wrong or are exceptions to the rule.

Changing what you believe is about changing how you perceive the world. You want to take those things that you bought into – the whole six sixes thing, the “women only like THIS kind of guy”, the supposed alpha/beta divide s--t – and decide that no, you don’t actually believe that.

So if confirmation bias is going to make you see the evidence everywhere, you may as well choose to believe things that will help you instead of harm you.

That’s why the next steps aren’t just saying the words like a magic spell; it’s to go out seeking proof that your old beliefs are wrong while living and acting like you have already found that proof.

To give an example, you can start going around and looking at who women actually date. Yeah, you’ll see some pretty people dating other pretty people, but you’re also going to see absolutely average men dating attractive women and attractive men dating women who you would think are mid at best. You’re going to see that fat guys, short guys, bald guys, femme-presenting guys all do, in fact, date, marry, have kids and live their best lives without the benefits of a Bugatti or any of Andrew Tate’s sex-trafficking, fraudster bulls--t.

(Also, practically speaking, sports cars are s--t. Not only do women not care about them nearly as much as men do, but they’re absolutely the wrong car for everything you do on a daily and weekly basis. Try fitting friends into an Audi R8 for a road trip or getting groceries in a Ferarri some time.)

Similarly, if you just interact with people as people, rather than trying to run game on them, you’ll find that most folks are actually a lot more friendly or open to talk than you currently believe. Part of the reason why women will complain on TikTok or whatnot about guys approaching them everywhere isn’t that they don’t want to talk to ugly dudes. It’s that they’re running int guys who don’t care about them as people but are just trying to get dates or get laid; the individual is secondary to the goal. The guys frequently don’t care about what the other person wants; their desire to talk to her has overridden her desire to not be hit on and so they just bulldoze through and are about as welcome as a cockroach on an ice cream cone.

A guy who is willing to read the room, to be friendly and normal rather than going about like a horny shark is going to be far more welcome… especially since he’s much more likely to recognize the difference between someone who wants to talk and someone who wants to be left alone.

Another thing to consider is just how those beliefs affect how you interact with women. Let’s say for argument’s sake that you’re at a bar and see a hot woman. Under the ideas you already hold, if you were to go talk to her, you’re already at a disadvantage. You’re not six foot whatever, you don’t have washboard abs or a six figure salary. So now you’re coming to the interaction with the idea that you need to seek her approval because you are somehow less than her. So now you’re in a place where you feel like you have to “prove” your worth to her so that she’ll find you attractive and then maybe the power dynamic will switch.

Except… what do you actually know about her that makes her someone whose approval would be important? You know she’s hot… but that’s it. Hotness is situational at best, especially in environments like bars or clubs; it’s the product of a hell of a lot of prep work and effort. It’s not an objective measure of one’s value or importance. You know nothing else about her – whether she’s a good person or not, whether she’s even someone you would like. So you are putting yourself in a position where you crave the approval and validation of a total stranger who may well be a complete s--thead.

And on top of that, you’ve put yourself into a mindset that since you have to gain her approval, you have to do everything as close to perfection as you can, because she’s (supposedly) looking for reasons to disqualify you. If you show the slightest bit of weakness then BOOM you’re out.

Now sure, there’re women out there who are like that. They’re uncommon at best and tend to be in very specialized and specific environments, but they do exist. But those are also people who you would never actually want to f--k because they’re awful people. So anyone who is legitimately like that is someone you should avoid.

What you should be doing is coming to the interaction with an air of interest in getting to know them. Are they someone who’s worth your time – not because you’re The Emperor of All Ice Cream or whatever but because life on this planet is too damn short to spend on folks who aren’t right for you. So getting to know her, being curious to see if there’s more than just looks and if what she brings to the table meshes with what you bring to the table, puts you in a much better place. It’s collaborative, not supplicating, nor competitive.

But what if you don’t bring anything to the table? Well… then instead of saying that women are too rigid, too privileged or whatever… focus on finding the things that you bring to the table. Go out and cultivate those skills, those interests, the things that would make you uniquely you and make someone who’s compatible with you wish you’d come into her life. If you see yourself as someone who can improve, instead of someone who’s been f--ked by the fickle finger of fate, then you have made yourself 100% more datable that the dudes telling you that if you make 75k a year, you’re too poor for women.

Oh, and remember what I said about repetition and belief? Well, that works both ways. Part of why positive self-talk, including affirmations, are powerful is that it changes how you see yourself. Saying it to yourself over and over again invokes the same effect as hearing other people saying something over and over again. So if you’re telling yourself that you ain’t s--t and that no woman will ever love you? Congrats, you played yourself and ensured that you believe it. If you tell yourself that yeah actually, you’re pretty damn hot and the right woman would be lucky to have you, you will come to believe it. And by believing it, you come to embody it through your actions and behaviors.

But what about all the times when things don’t work out and they don’t like you? Well, that’s simple: that’s just, like, their opinion, man. That’s one person out of thousands. And if you do need to work on something – maybe cultivating your sense of humor or working on connecting with women on an emotional level – then that’s well within your ability to achieve. It’s telling yourself that you can do better and you will do better, instead of throwing your hands in the air and declaring that it’s all bulls--t.

Please note carefully as you read this that it’s not just about belief, it’s about action. Belief by itself isn’t going to improve anything. Belief is motivation. It’s what pushes you to act – either to make your move or to work on yourself so that you are better prepared to pursue your goals. To quote the master: knowledge without mileage equals bulls--t. If you’re not putting belief to work, then you’re not doing any better than letting your belief be the reason you don’t do something.

So if you want to change your beliefs, choose to do so and go out and prove your new beliefs to be correct and your old beliefs to be wrong. I promise you: you will find all the evidence you need when you do.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In recent years I have grown increasingly aware of my failures to find a partner of any sort, and it has begun to eat at my confidence and happiness.

I have read every generic article and blog I could find. Single is good! Single is a wonderful way of life! Single too long can lead to xxx negative or positive results. If you want to date be confident. If you can’t find a date you’re not treating yourself right, you’re not going after the right person, you’re not thinking of others, you need to dress to impress, change your routine. Ect. So on and so forth.

I have TRIED.

Here’s my back story.

I’m 10 years single. Mother of two wonderful not so Littles any longer. The relationship I left had been bad. Not I was bruised every day and being beaten bad. Bad as in the minute I became happy he had to find a way to knock me down bad, then would work to build me back up after making me feel guilty for being down- wash rinse repeat. He had been the only guy I had been with and it had been nearly 10 years of us doing our unhealthy on again off again. You now that Eminem song with Rihanna? I think it hit the nail on the head. Cuz that was my relationship with my ex basically. He would cheat on me. I would feel bad get mad. He would feel guilty for 5 min. It would happen again but he would become more sneaky until I got to the point of always second guessing. We got married, briefly, and then an annulment when he was very openingly cheating with one of my friends from the wedding.

[…]

Throughout the years since I got my GED, went to court with him which was a nasty ordeal in itself since I nearly lost my kids due to the inability to afford a lawyer until my foster mother stepped in and the lawyer she hired saved my bacon. I went and became a paramedic, an astonishing difference of a person since I now am perfectly comfortable denying people things and voicing my thoughts and wishes. I even have a bachelor’s degree and am returning to school while trying for nursing. I have 2 cars, own my own home, a cat dog and even chickens. My kids seem very happy and becoming strong young people. I picked up hobbies that were loves I had given up years into our relationship.

But dating has been empty.

At first I wasn’t ready to date. I knew it then as much as I do now. I was so depressed and full of self-hate I couldn’t look in the mirror even . The first 2 or 3 years I wasn’t even trying to date.

Thing is. I was on such an upward momentum that it just stopped. I got my wish to work in my local e.r, got a house and a good car and a degree. And I think it’s what’s hit me hardest. I haven’t been able to make it into nursing school, which here is hard to get into since there aren’t many programs. I haven’t been able to find someone to date. The previous 2 crushes I had ended up with other people though I am friends with them – and their significant others. I had been pulled along by another guy who, when I confessed kindly turned me down due to his being too religious and my atheism. Only to flip moths later and flirt endlessly with me so much as to state he was jealous when I was with a work friend who was a guy- we all work at the same hospital. I quickly became disinterested at the immature flirting and inability for him to even approach me with his intentions or interest. I refuse to ever be a back burner again only receiving attention when it fits their agenda or if they think they can get me to chase after them. I want someone to want me for once.

Now that I have fully severed any attraction to that guy, and he knows it too darn it- I can’t seem to find someone.

I don’t know what to do. I live in a small secluded town without much access to any other communities. Online dating feels too fabricated and when I tried it I couldn’t figure out how to converse or get to know anyone much less had the disgusting feeling as if I were shopping.

I have nothing against people who online date or have open relationships or whatever they please. I just wish to form connections with people because I can’t form an attraction before that. On weeks I don’t have my children I have made a strong attempt , especially this past summer, to attend as many music festivals and community events as possible. Not to mention I’m out with my kids as well but I tend to focus on them, even now their 10 and 12.

I’m not going to lie, I have a strong fear of not being datable. I know some find interest in me and reach out but there are also people who like me because I have a “spicey personality with awesome long hair and tattoos”. They don’t even know me and their interests are so materialistic that it is telling to me what a relationship would have entailed.

[…]

I’m going to be honest I was at a high point and the past year I have started to crash down and be down on myself again. I am far more aware of my thoughts and work on it. I try to be somewhat active since I have gained weight in paramedic school which hasn’t much left me. I wear dresses in the summer and cute coats in the winter that I like. I even began to listen to affirmations last winter when I got to a really, really low point.

But the crushing feeling that such basic easy people find me while their looking for someone they can walk all over makes me think sometimes the universe means for me never to experience a healthy relationship.

I see my friends have them and it is so alien to me- though I want it. I actually want to experience someone wanting me for more than just sex or to show to friends to impress. To actually support me as much as I do them. And probably to make me not feel bad I want to be comforted and, at least from my relationship with my ex, am a bit of a sexaholic and don’t want to be shamed for that.��While earnestly I sometimes can’t even envision myself being able to move forward with anyone. To let them meet my bio mom – since my bio dad died within recent years and my ex had used my family against me to try and act as if it made me a bad person.

I don’t know what to do but I do know I am terribly lonely and wish I could just fall into something easily. It’s upsetting and I fear every tactic I have tried to use has become less effective from me becoming self-destructive. Which doesn’t help any. I fear winter this year since winters are harsh and cold and dark.

Also. Counseling in my town sucks. I tried for a couple years to get in with someone. No luck. Saw a school counselor once at uni during paramedic school. Was told it sounded as if I had everything under control and knew what I needed. Just because I am in the medical field and understand depression doesn’t mean I have it under control.

How do I date? How do I meet someone and just go about it easily without having to get to know them for months on end first? I wish I could easily form relationships but it’s hard after everything.

Thank you.

– Where To Begin Again?

DEAR WHERE TO BEGIN AGAIN: Before we get into my response, WTBA, I want to say that I have pared your letter down a lot, for space and privacy reasons. However, I want you to know that I read it all of it, and I’m so so sorry that you went through all of that. I’m also glad that you’re well rid of your ex. You endured years of abuse and mistreatment by someone so toxic that I’m amazed that the EPA didn’t declare him a Superfund Site.

I’m just sorry it took as long as it did for you to finally be free of him and his bulls--t. You have been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it.

(For those of you reading along, trust me that it was years of intense and heinous emotional abuse from a male partner and his family of enablers. You can find the details I cut for space here: http://disq.us/p/2vdopkm)

However, there’s being rid of him… but not being rid of what he’s done to you. Now, I want to give my standard disclaimer that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor. But I think a lot of what you’re experiencing is CPTSD or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD is the result of trauma experienced over a long period of time, including abusive relationships. To be clear: this is something that needs to be diagnosed by a medical professional, not just going by the word of a loud mouth with an advice column. But even if I’m wrong and the formal diagnosis is something else, I don’t think anyone would argue that you haven’t undergone years of trauma and that the after effects of that trauma are still lingering with you in many ways.

It also doesn’t sound like you’ve gotten much help from the community around you, or even what mental health resources were available to you at the time. That has to be similarly disheartening.

But this is why I want to tell you, unequivocally, that you’re wrong about being undateable. You’re not undateable at all. You’re someone who’s been hurt, badly and repeatedly for years. While the wounds may have scarred over, the scars are still with you and they can still hurt too.

But scars are signs of survival. You’ve proven, over and over again, that you are unbelievably strong and resilient. You have come through some heinous mistreatment at the hands of people who you should have been able to trust and rely on. The fact that you’ve come through the other side, with a happy and strong family, making so much progress towards your goals and achieving so much is a testament to your courage, your hard work, your strength and your heart. The fact that you don’t have a callous on your soul from it is equally amazing.

The fact that you have lingering after effects of the trauma you experienced doesn’t mean you’re weak or damaged. It means that you’re a survivor. And sometimes the world can be cruel to survivors, often without meaning to.

I think what you need, more than anything else, is to find help to address that trauma, and that trauma-informed care may be hard to find in your immediate community. That doesn’t mean that things are hopeless. It just means that it may be more difficult than things would be otherwise.

There are a few things you can do on your own, to at least help in the short term. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very good at dealing with intrusive thoughts and emotional dysregulation. There are several options out there for self-directed CBT that may help you get a handle on things and make life a little easier. There are also frequently free or low-cost alternatives that may be available to you. Captain Awkward has a couple of excellent posts (here and here) for helping people find mental health resources that I think would be well worth your time.

But I think you may need to look a little further afield to find trauma-informed care to address your needs. There are options. Psychology Today has a referral directory specifically for therapists who specialize in trauma and PTSD. So do the American Psychological Association, The EMDR International Association and The Anxiety & Depression Association of America. If there aren’t options within a reasonable distance, there are many counselors and therapists who will work with you remotely via teleconferencing services; this may be a viable option for you.

Working with them, I think, will go a long way towards helping you feel better about everything.

I recognize that this isn’t what you asked help for, but I think addressing these issues will serve you well when it comes to also addressing your dating woes.

Right now, I think you’re having a very hard time connecting with people, and for understandable reasons. It’s very hard to trust people, even years later, when you’ve been hurt by someone the way you have. It can be hard to break the patterns you developed for your own protection, or that formed from the results of what was done to you. And it can be hard to relax and be open to others and to be vulnerable in ways that you need to be in order to date.

It can also be hard to see how others could like you. The ones who were interested in you because of your spicy attitude and cool hair and tattoos? Yeah, their interest was surface level… but surface interest is often what opens the door to getting to know you and connecting to you on a deeper and more meaningful level. The shallow initial interest isn’t automatically a sign that the relationship will remain shallow; it’s just that they don’t know more about you, yet.

I mention this, not because I think you should give them a chance to prove themselves, but to show you that you’re not hopeless. To explain that what you’re seeing and how you’re seeing it doesn’t mean that this is all there is or ever will be. It’s just to remind you that there is hope, and that hope is a practice.

So no, I think you’re in a better position to find someone new, someone better and more deserving of your awesomeness than you believe. It’s just very hard to see when that pain clouds your vision and fogs the future.

You’re a paramedic, so I know you understand triage: deal with the immediate issues to stabilize the patient and then handle the rest. That’s what happened here. Getting away from your abuser and rebuilding your life without him was getting you to the place where you’ve stabilized. You’ve been given time to heal and recover your strength. Now you’re in a place where you can address the other issues that you couldn’t take care of before the wounds were closed and the bleeding had been stopped.

You’re stronger now. You know what you’re capable of when you don’t have the weight of an abuser holding you back and sapping your life away like a leach. Now it’s time to flip him the double bird by refusing to allow even the memory of him to haunt you and harm you

Find a trauma-informed counselor or therapist. Focus on healing yourself and remembering what a warrior you are. Love will come when you’re ready.

It feels dark right now and it seems like that dark will last forever. But the sun will rise again. And it will do so because you’re a survivor, because you’re strong and because you’ve brought yourself and your family so damn far. Never forget that. Tattoo it backwards on your forehead so you see it every time you look in the mirror and be reminded.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 32 at the end of July and I’ve never even kissed, still got the v-card. Had social anxiety my whole life so far (Asperger’s Syndrome side effect) and it has made it nearly impossible to get a job. So-called “zoomers” talk as if I’m middle-aged already. I’ve been trying to fix myself this whole time, been on medication, therapy, exercise. I still don’t like myself very much.

Are women out of my reach?

I read your article about how not to be creepy but if I could just decide to be charming or worth talking to I wouldn’t be so anxious around people.

It feels hopeless. What do I do?

Logan’s Runner-Up

DEAR LOGAN’S RUNNER-UP: Here’s a suggestion: quit listening to Zoomers online, especially about anything related to being “too old” for something.

Ok, granted, as a man who’s just stepped into the far side of his mid-40s, that’s a little “get off my lawn”. I freely admit that. However I keep seeing people who have literally convinced themselves that life functionally ends at 25 because… well, because. Mostly because they keep hearing Zoomers and Gen-Alphas swearing up and down that everything ends after that and nothing you do later in life matters.

And while it’s the prerogative of every new generation to be convinced that they’ve figured out the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything, it’s the prerogative of the ones before – the ones who have actual experience and perspective under their belts – to either nod wryly or roll their eyes at people who’ve barely even started their lives making grand declarations about How It All Works. It’s enthusiasm without the benefit of experience or perspective.

So, as I’m often saying: do yourself a favor and go outside and touch grass. Quit paying attention to the Zoomers telling you that life has passed you by if you haven’t achieved everything by your mid-20s. They know nothing about you, your life or your struggles. Most of them affect this attitude because they see their own futures looming and are terrified of it – same as every previous generation.

This is precisely the reason why I tell people to pay attention to what they pay attention to, especially when it comes to social media. Most of the time, you’re taking on noise, not signal, and most of it is designed to get a rise out of you, not to help.

Just as it’s important to eliminate “should” from your vocabulary, cutting out the shit that tells you “it’s too late” – particularly when there’s no actual basis in fact – will go a long way to making you feel better. And that’s going to be important because if you still don’t like yourself very much, other people are going to follow your lead.

Here’s the thing: self-talk is important. If you’re looking in the mirror and saying “ugh, god, why are you even allowed to exist”, then you’re setting up a filter by which you will live your life. You are not just putting that energy out into the universe (as it were), you’re emitting that energy like a passive-aggressive Chernobyl. When you tell people how to feel about you – because you feel that way about yourself – they’ll behave accordingly. People respond to your vibe and react to it; the folks who are most in tune with you will take it onboard, themselves. This is why one of the secrets of being charming and delightful is warmth and friendliness; people pick up on it, feel good in your presence and want to spend more time with you.

It’s also why someone who thinks of themselves as hot as fuck and acts accordingly – even if they’re unconventional-looking – and have people respond to their attitude. Those people are picking up on that person’s vibe and attitude and it carries them along. It’s not being delusional – they’re not looking in the mirror and seeing Idris Elba staring back at them. They just see what they like in themselves, bring that forward and make it their strength. The strength and sincerity of their belief and actions carry over to others and encourage them to see it too.

But here’s the other thing I think you’re missing: being charming is a choice, but not the way you think. Deciding to be charming doesn’t flip a switch and suddenly you are. Deciding to be charming or charismatic or just likeable is deciding to work at it. It’s deciding “OK, I’m going to be more charismatic, so I’m going to start doing the things that improve my charisma.” That would include finding the type of charisma that vibes with your personality, working on things like warmth and approachability, cultivating an interest in other people, learning how to best connect with them.

I mean, call it woo woo all you want, but it’s not a binary where either you have it your you don’t. It’s a skill – something you develop through deliberate practice. All you have to do is look to Hollywood, where people quite literally learn how to make someone feel like the most important person in the room.

And here’s the secret: nobody is born charismatic or popular. Everyone has had to work at it. It feels like there’s a binary because you have a 24-7 feed of your own life and thoughts, but only a very limited highlight reel of other people’s lives. Some folks may have started earlier or have personalities or circumstances that make it easier for them to get good at it, but everyone started from the same place. It just doesn’t seem that way because you weren’t there for the learning phase, nor were you tapped into their thought stream.

Women are out of your reach only in as much as you limit your reach by defining yourself by your perceived limitations.

Work on liking yourself. As you do, you’ll make it much easier to learn the skills that make you a more attractive, more desirable partner. It’s work, sure, but it’s work that’s well worth doing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com