DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A phenomena I’d like some help untangling is why do so many folks (mostly women that look open and very liberal in my experience) specify that they are looking for casual dating/hookups/fwb/etc, but aren’t interested in exploring that with an ethically non-monogamous partner even if he is not interested in children, has a vasectomy, is knowledgeable and responsible with protection and STI screening, and would like to treat said casual partner like an actual human and not just an object?

It seems like that arrangement would be very attractive to lots of women but when I disclose my ENM status right from the start, they will say that they love my energy and personality but they just can’t do non-monogamy (which I am not looking for an additional full-time partner) even if they said themself they are looking for just no-strings fun? Is it mostly an internalized mono-normative thing? Are they themselves doing the “backdoor fwb turned committed relationship” maneuver without even realizing it?

Poly-NO-mial

DEAR POLY-NO-MIAL: First question, PNM: how, exactly, are women going to know about these aspects of yours? Are you listing these in your profile? Telling women about it when you message them? Hoping they can divine it through the air? The way you deliver that info might be part of the problem. Some of that – like “would treat said casual partner like an actual person” is very much a “show, don’t tell” sort of scenario.

But let’s actually dig in to your issue.

The problem here is that you’re asking the wrong question. You’re asking something that I can’t answer, and what answers you would get won’t actually address the issue.

I can’t tell you why women are bouncing off your being ethically non-monogamous for two reasons.

First: there’s not going to be ONE reason; it’s going to be a reason or reasons that are specific to that individual. Many folks may share similar reasons, but it’s still going to come down to that particular person, not some overarching, universally applicable cause.

There are any number of reasons why someone might not want to rock with an ethically non-monogamous partner, even if it’s just for no-strings fun and games with your pants off. They may have had negative experiences with non-mongogamous relationships before, or they may have been put off by the polyamorous communities they’ve seen or been part of. They may feel like hooking up with someone who has (or may eventually have) other partners means that the potential for drama is too high for their comfort. Still others may well be neck deep in mono-normativity and just don’t want anything to do ENM at all.

Some folks like casual relationships but prefer them if it at least feels like there’s the potential for more – and there’s a pretty healthy track record of FWBs and casual relationships that turned serious. Alternatively, they may feel as though getting involved with a poly person would create the vibe that they’re being auditioned as a potential addition to the polycule.

You may practice (or they expect) a form of non-monogamy they don’t rock with; if you’re a kitchen-table poly person, they may not want to have to meet the rest of your extended pod. There are also many, many people – mostly, but not exclusively men – who lie about being ethically non-monogamous and they just don’t feel like taking the risk that you’re one of them.

And, of course, there’s always the possibility that the issue is that they’re just not digging you, per se, and the ENM is an easy way out without saying that.

But the second – and more important reason is that it doesn’t matter. What you need to remember is that the reason why they’re not into ENM – even if you would theoretically be a good match – isn’t what’s important. The important thing is that this is a dealbreaker for them, and there’s not really anything else to be done about it.

The issue with trying to unpack the reasons for why someone who seems to be looking for a guy like you, but balks at the ENM issue is that knowing the reasons won’t actually make a difference. If they’re saying “thanks but no thanks”, trying to dig into the whys and wherefores aren’t going to change anything. It’s not as though there’s a way to tactfully say “I see what you’re worried about, but you’re wrong” in a way that’s not going to come off as intensely presumptive and condescending, nor is it going to change their mind. Reason and emotion can run parallel, but changing one isn’t automatically going to change the other. If they’ve decided that ENM is not for them, or if it’s just the convenient excuse, then that’s more or less the end of that.

I will note that you could, theoretically, leave off the part about your being non-monogamous if your partner or partners aren’t going to be an issue. If your Hinge match is just looking for an NSA hook-up and not expecting regular dates or hang-outs where your relationship status might be an issue, then an argument could be made that the existence or non-existence of other partners is less relevant. The same applies for folks who have a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangement with their partners.

Do I think this the most ethical way of handling the issue? No.

While I do think that until two people have the exclusivity talk, folks shouldn’t assume or expect to be the one-and-only, I do think acknowledging the existence of other partners (even if they’re totally cool with your hooking up without their involvement and/or you have a legitimate DADT arrangement) is the better choice.

But leaving it out is an option. You’re going to deal with folks who have very strong options about lies-of-omission, but hey: you roll the dice and you take your chances.

However, my honest opinion is that your time would be better spent finding folks who are open to non-monogamy, or who are more open to you, specifically. For the former, finding the folks who opted in – either in their profiles, or on more specialized apps like Feeld or #Open. For the latter, you may be better off meeting people in person and letting them get to know you. Either way, you’re much more likely to get better results, better flings, happier FWBs and far fewer drinks thrown in your face when the truth comes out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a longtime reader of your blog, and have successfully navigated the dating world and am now in a committed, two-year relationship. Finally! However, with any new stage of life comes challenges, and I’d really appreciate your advice.

I’ve recently gone through a layoff at work, and have been trying to find a comparable job elsewhere. As you can guess, this has been extremely stressful. I’ve done my best to keep it from impacting my relationships, romantic or otherwise, but anyone who knows me can tell I’m not exactly over the moon right now.

My boyfriend has been overall supportive through this whole process, but lately he’s started trying to give me advice. While there’s nothing wrong with that per se, we work in two very different industries with different ways of doing things and very different values. Essentially, the ‘advice’ he’s been giving me is vague and impractical at best, and has started to feel more than a little condescending. Some days it feels like I’m dating one of those motivational posters they used to hang up in the hallways in elementary school.

I know he’s trying to be helpful and doesn’t like to see me in any kind of discomfort, but the fortune cookie-style platitudes are leaving me feeling even lower than I was before.

I’ve tried to communicate that “It’s never too late to improve yourself!” or “You can do anything you set your mind to!” is neither helpful or practical at this moment in time. The conversation didn’t go well and I’m not sure how to move forward without more hurt feelings on both sides.

Live, Laugh, Loathe

DEAR LIVE, LAUGH, LOATHE: Before I get to what to do about this, I want to talk for a second about what your boyfriend is attempting to do.

Cisgendered men, as a general rule, have been socialized to believe that a lot of our value comes from action – that is, we’re not valued for who we are, but for what we do. It’s part and parcel of the Toxic Masculinity Package; we’re taught that we’re not wanted, so we must be needed instead. And while this manifests in a lot of f--ked up ways, it also manifests in wanting to “solve” things. That is: we tend to want to demonstrate our value by proving our usefulness and we want to help when our partners are having problems (because we care for them and want them to be happy) and so we tend to fall back into “problem solving mode”.

I am very much not the exception to this, especially with my whole “advice columnist” thing.

Now, this can be irritating under the best of circumstances; a lot of times, when our partners come to us with frustrations or issues, what they’re actually asking for is just to be heard and sympathized with. But socialization is a motherf--ker and we tend to see a problem and think “yo, I’ll solve it.” Instead of saying “s--t, that sucks, here, let me grab a couple drinks and you can tell me about it” and making appropriate thoughtful noises at the right times.

But occasionally one runs into the issue of “ok, partner has a problem, I solve problem… f--k, I don’t know how to solve problem”, which can result in the human equivalent of asking an artificial intelligence to divide by zero. But the lack of insight or solutions doesn’t fully override the self-imposed need to Solve Problems. So what often happens is that, absent an actual clue on what might help, we will end up defaulting to aphorisms and generally meaningless advice.

(It’s also somewhat significant just how much this broadly-applicable-bad-fortune-cookie insight approach tends to show up in a lot of “how to grindset” advice and pop-psych-for-business books, which means it can frequently be top-of-mind… no matter how inapplicable it may be for your career and industry.)

So your boyfriend, while lacking actual productive solutions, wants to help. And while the impulse and enthusiasm may be appreciated, it can be a little like a herding dog’s desire to “help”. The instinct is there, but the available skill set doesn’t match up to the need in the moment… no matter how enthusiastically applied.

I bring all this up because this is a communication issue. He wants to help, you want him to stop helping the way he’s has been, and you both would prefer to resolve this without causing any more headaches on either side.

In this circumstance, I’d suggest an adapted version of the Awkward Conversation – taking a moment to sit and talk through the issue in a structured way.

Note that this version is specifically tailored to the fact that you’ve already talked before and it didn’t go well; thus it’s a bit more conciliatory in order to help smooth ruffled feathers and ease into what would work better for you.

First: acknowledge the intent, but explain why what he’s doing is an issue for you. Specifically, you want him to understand that the broad-but-non-applicable advice makes you feel a certain way, even if that wasn’t his intent. This is when “I” statements are a must; it’s not that his intent is bad, it’s that the way he’s going about it bothers you in a very particular way. I suspect part of why it didn’t go well was that he felt that you were objecting to him, rather than saying “this isn’t the help I need”.

You want to say “I appreciate that you want to help and I love you for trying. But right now, this isn’t helping me; I’m already stressed and frustrated about my job search and I’m not looking for advice. I know it’s not what you’re intending, but when I get broad advice like X, it makes me feel like I’m being condescended to or told things that I already know or that don’t apply and asked why I haven’t done them already.”

Next: Let him know what you actually need or that would be helpful. If there’s something that would take a different source of stress off your plate that he could do, that would be an option. But if what you need, or would just prefer for that matter, is tea-and-sympathy sort of support tell him that. “What I could really use from you right now is for you to $DO_HELPFUL_THING. That would really help with my frustration/ make me less stressed/ make it easier for me to keep going with my job search”.

Finally: again, acknowledge the intent, but let him know how you’d prefer he respond going forward when you have times of stress or struggle. “I appreciate your wanting to help and I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful for it. One thing that would help is if you could ask what kind of help or support I need, first. That way we don’t end up working at cross purposes and just getting frustrated with each other.”

If there’re specific forms of emotional support that you would appreciate – taking on the temporary role of morale officer to help keep your spirits up, for example – then let him know. If you’d prefer he let you vent and provide the necessary ears and shoulders and/or foot rubs, tell him that. But having specific examples or ideas that you would prefer helps make it feel less like “STOP HELPING YOU’RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE, YOU BUMBLING OAF” and more of a “here’s how to win with me” moment.

Hopefully he’ll take this with the same spirit of wanting to help however he can and, in the future, he’ll know to ask “do you want to vent, advice, an accomplice or an alibi?”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So the thing is, I (25/F) met this guy (28/M) about 3 months ago through a dating app, and I initially just wanted to hook up instead of being in a serious relationship. But on our first date (which I suggested in disguise as a hangout), he didn’t show me that he liked me. He agreed to split the bill when I offered (I know I sound like a B*tch here, but I believe that on the first few dates, the guy should show himself as a capable, gallant dude, plus the restaurant I picked was not expensive at all); he doesn’t know how much to tip and keep asking me (indecisive alert!!); and he doesn’t look at me or being flirty at all. So after the date, instead of hooking up, I ran away from him as fast as possible and ignored his texts for 3 days.

But the guy kept texting me, asking when he could see me again, so I told him straight-on that I’d love to be friends with him, but nothing more than that. And to my surprise, he asked me to run with him. And after the first run, we regularly watch movies, run, and do things together, like going to comedy shows, hiking, etc. He would text me every day. Later on, in one of our conversations, he told me that he found me attractive that is why he kept contact. But when I said, “but you don’t like me, right?”, he just change the subject.

These days, because I have to study for a big exam, we have not been meeting for the past 3 weeks, but he kept the contact consistent (just texting, no calling). And like they said, “distance makes the heart grow fonder” I realize that I really like him because I always think about him. From not wanting to hug him goodbye, I became the girl who wanted to be held by him every second that I’m not with him. So I planned to finish my exam and then confess to him. But for the last 2 weeks, he has been texting me less, and the time it took between texts has been longer, but I took it no mind until recently; he brags about having a one-night stand at a bar to me.

This shatters my heart, making me angry at him though I know I have no right to. But despite all that, half of me still wants to let him know of my feelings; half of me hates him so much, thinking that he must not have liked me to be intimate with a stranger so easily like that. Also, I don’t want to lose my friendship with him, but talking to him has become more painful than I expected. I don’t know what to do: confess or not? End our relationship or not? Am I justified in being angry at him? Should I keep on trying to make him like me? But how can a girl do that besides asking him to hang out and be kind, which is how I have been treating him all this time?

— Let’s NOT Be Friends

DEAR LET’S NOT BE FRIENDS: Well, LNBF, This can all be summed up as “Oh look, it’s the consequences of my own actions.”

Let’s start with this: you’re entitled to feel how you feel. There’s not really an answer to “is this the right way to feel” because it’s just how you feel. Feelings don’t care about right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate. The same goes with having the “right” to feel a certain way. Rights have nothing to do with it, because feelings happen, regardless. The way you feel is the way you feel.

The fact that your friend had a one-night stand with another woman upsets you. That’s legitimate. Whether you have “authorization” to feel that way is irrelevant.

But what’s useful is to ask yourself what you’re actually feeling, why you feel the way you do and who you’re directing those feelings towards.

Let’s start with the first one. OK, you’re angry and feeling resentment towards him. But why, exactly? Well, the surface answer is fairly simple: because he slept with someone else. OK… but what about that makes you angry and why does it make you angry at him? After all, he’s a single man and you two don’t have a romantic or sexual relationship, nor do you have any expectation of commitment.

Well, the obvious answer is that you feel rejected, which hurts. Being hurt makes us upset for obvious reasons. You’re associating that hurt with him, and you’re directing those hurt feelings at him in part because it’s easy to blame him for “making” you feel this way.

But if we really stop and examine it… are you actually angry? Are you actually angry at him? Is it possible that you’re feeling embarrassed at having put yourself in a position to be rejected, which makes you angry at yourself because that embarrassment is deeply uncomfortable and you don’t like it? And if that’s the case, is it possible you’re blaming your friend – and thus getting angry at him – because it’s easier than really digging into the way that things got to this point?

The same sort of examination applies to the “why” of it – why his sleeping with someone else has hurt you this much. Some of it is obvious and simple: you like a dude, that dude hooked up with someone else. But having a strong reaction like this – even allowing for “hate” as hyperbole – seems a bit excessive for the circumstances. So what about this situation has evoked such intense feelings out of you?

I think the answer to some of it can be found in your letter. There’s the fact that you hard rejected him – “running away as fast as you can” and ignoring his texts for days, which gives us at least some idea of how you felt about the guy; he didn’t meet your standards. But then he keeps showing interest, texting and wanting to see you. When you finally say “let’s just be friends”, he says “bet” – showing that he wants to stay around you. Well, that’s got to be pretty gratifying to the ego. A dude – even though he’s presumably below your standards – is working this hard to get your attention and keep you in his life… that says a lot about you, yeah? That has to feel validating, makes you feel special… and it’s something you come back to with him. You even check in with him about how he’s feeling in a way that, let’s be honest, feels like you’re angling for a “yeah”. And you’ve been angling for that “yeah” from the get-go, when he didn’t show you that he liked you in the ways that you expected – picking up the check, asking you what you wanted, etc.

Now suddenly that validation that comes from knowing this guy likes you is jeopardized. His affection is now in question because he went and slept with someone else and it hurts – in your words: “thinking that he must not have liked me to be intimate with a stranger so easily like that”

That is kind of a tell. He didn’t have sex AT you, after all. He didn’t have a one-night stand in order to spite you. And to be quite honest, how much he likes or doesn’t like you has nothing to do with his sleeping with someone else. You made it abundantly clear, over and over again, that you weren’t interested in a relationship with him. He had no reason to believe this had changed, and your question of “but you don’t like me” would sound to most like you’re reminding him that you’re not into him that way. So if he’s acting like a single guy with an attractive, platonic female friend and looking elsewhere for sex and physical intimacy, then it’s because you’ve given him every reason to think that your relationship is purely platonic and won’t be more. You’ve set his expectations at a particular level and he was acting in accordance with them.

But now those good feelings of validation are threatened by someone who you initially ruled out, and the fear of losing those feelings hurts. And if I’m being honest, I kinda suspect the hurt is amplified by feeling like you were the one who was dictating terms, the one who had the superior position in the relationship and suddenly he is the one changing the state of the relationship.

So you’re getting angry at him for… believing you when you said you weren’t interested in him and continuing to act in ways that confirmed that lack of interest. Even though he clearly was – and likely still is – attracted to you.

Now do I think this is the dominant reason you’re upset? No. Do I think you were consciously twirling your metaphorical mustache over being the one who had the upper hand by virtue of his being into you and you less into him? Also no. But I do think that there’s a strong likelihood that this dynamic was there and that you were at least somewhat aware of it, even if it wasn’t something you were actively engaging with.

This is why I think blame is certainly misplaced. And I think that a big part of you knows this. That’s part of why it hurts, part of why it’s embarrassing and part of why you’re projecting that anger at him. Directing that anger elsewhere is easier than accepting all this came about because of your choices and your actions, and that your assumptions about the nature of your relationship were wrong.

But there’s also a third thing to consider… something that brings us back to asking “what are you actually feeling?” And that’s whether you like him and his being less available made you confront those feelings… or if it’s that you’re feeling more drawn to him because he’s pulled back. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it’s less about growing fond and more about only wanting it now that you can’t have it.

I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here, but the timing and circumstances make it a distinct possibility. When paired with misplaced anger over his hook-up and the tangled web of emotions that this is all snarled up in, it becomes another sign that your first and best move would be to focus on processing and resolving your feelings. And I think you should do that on your own… that is, without also trying to spark a romantic relationship with him.

So, no, I don’t think confessing is the right move here. Certainly not until you take some time to unpack those feelings and resolve your anger. Blaming him for things that are not only not his fault, but are entirely reasonable behaviors for a single man with no commitments, is unfair at best. Being angry at him for choices that you made, or for him not being a mind-reader, is a sign that maybe you’re not in the right headspace for a relationship with him just now. And if that’s not resolved and addressed, this dynamic is going to continue to mess up what you have with your friend… and what you might have in the future.

So for now? Take the time and work on your feelings. Examine and understand just how much of how you’re feeling towards him is actually about how you feel about you. And while you’re at it, make sure that what you’re feeling for him is actually about him – wanting a relationship with him, specifically.

If, after you’ve had your time to untangle this knot, you are interested in him and want a relationship? Then you tell him “hey, I know that when we first started hanging out I said I only wanted to be friends. Since then I’ve gotten to really know you and my feelings have changed. If you’re still interested, I’d like to go on another date and see if we can give it another try.

And then you step back and let him decide what he wants to do next. But you’re going to have to be prepared for the strong possibility he’s going to turn you down. You spent three months telling him that you’re just friends and that’s all you want to be. If he’s moved on because of that… well, that’s how it goes.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com