DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your advice for a while and I’m hoping you can help me sort out my love life and a tangle of emotions.�I am a 33 year old asexual woman. I am dating a 30 year old man who is not asexual. We have been together for 2 years. When we first began dating I was very upfront with him that sex was not on the table and he said that he had a very low interest in sex and was fine with that.��Overall the relationship is great. He’s thoughtful, smart, funny, and responsible. This is the healthiest and best relationship I’ve ever been in. So what’s the problem? Boyfriend’s sex drive isn’t as low as either of us realized. We talked about opening up the relationship and I was comfortable with him having a friends-with-benefits situation and thus getting his sexual needs met outside the relationship. It’s been nearly a year since we came to that agreement and he hasn’t found anyone. He came to me, and discussed opening the relationship up further and having a full polyamorous relationship where he would have me as his primary partner and then have a secondary partner. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he backed off. However, during the conversation I asked him why he would want to have a sexual and romantic relationship with someone while maintaining only a romantic one with me. He told me it’s because he feels so comfortable talking to me and he doesn’t believe that he can find a partner that he is a) sexually compatible with b) romantically compatible/share life goals with c) is a good communicator. (He’s had problems in past relationships with his partners having poor communication skills and leading to issues.) I pushed him on what would happen if he found someone who met all three of his criteria and he was adamant that he wouldn’t.��So now I’m left feeling a lot of emotions that I don’t know what to do with. I’m resentful that he is not as content dating an asexual as he first implied. I’m upset that I feel like he’s just settling for me because I fulfill two of his requirements. I feel insecure that I’m just a placeholder until he finds someone that fulfills all of them. I feel broken because if I was just normal this wouldn’t even be a problem. I also feel desperate to keep this relationship because it’s so hard dating as an asexual and I really don’t want to go back into the dating pool. I also worry that I’m being overly sensitive. I suffer from anxiety, so maybe my boyfriend just worded things poorly and now I’m spiraling for no reason.��I want to close the relationship, but I don’t know how. I also don’t even know if it will help because I don’t want my boyfriend to feel resentful. How do I have a conversation about potentially closing the relationship? How do I know if he’s just settling for me/using me as a placeholder?

Sincerely,

Does the “A” stand for “Asexual” or “Anxious”?

DEAR DOES THE “A” STAND FOR “ASEXUAL” OR “ANXIOUS”: First of all, DTASAA: you’re not broken. Being asexual doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you; it just means that you don’t experience sexual attraction the way other people do. That’s it. It’s neither inherently good, nor inherently bad, nor does it say anything about your worth or value as a person or partner. It can be a challenge, nobody’s denying that; you’re part of a small percentage of the population, where most of the folks you’d want to date are allosexual. But there’s a difference between something being challenging for you because of who you are and being deficient because of who you are. You don’t need to apologize for being ace any more than someone needs to apologize for being a ginger, having curly hair, being left handed or any other arbitrary example of the wonderous diversity and variety of the human experience.

Second of all: this is one of those times when I think it would be better and more productive for you to take everything you wrote to me and just show it to your boyfriend, DTASAA. You’ve neatly outlined the issue, why you feel the way that you feel, why you feel hesitant to bring it up and how it’s affecting your relationship. That’s 90% of having The Awkward Conversation.

Now the remaining 10% is – ideally – what you think would help and why that solution would make things better. That’s where things get tricky… but it’s also why you should be talking about this to your boyfriend.

I do have one question about your boyfriend’s request for polyamory though. While this is by no means the way everyone does it, one of the common paths to polyamory from someone who was strictly monogamous tends to be monogamy > open relationship > caught feelings and now wants to discuss polyamory. What I haven’t seen is someone who starts off asking for an open relationship, can’t find a partner, and then asks for polyamory.

In fairness, it’s frequently more difficult for a partnered, straight, cis man to find women who are interested in an ethically non-monogamous relationship; there’re a lot of men who lie about having their partner’s approval and knowledge, men who see it as one-sided and just want a harem while not letting their partners date and so on. But I’m scratching my head as to why your boyfriend thinks it’d be easier to find a polyamorous partner instead of looking for someone who’s cool with an open, casual relationship.

Now maybe this is a case where he’s a bit more demisexual than he realized and needs more of an emotional connection to someone to feel sexually attracted to. Maybe he’s been trying and finding people who are cool with being in a poly relationship but not a FWB relationship with someone who’s already partnered. But the way he’s laying things out makes me wonder if he understands what he’s asking for. Similarly, the fact that he won’t consider the possibility of meeting someone who might meet all of his criteria strikes me as being more than a little willfully blind. Gaming out the possibility, even if only so you all have a contingency plan isn’t a bad idea. This way, at the very least, if he does suddenly find someone who matches everything, you all have at least some structure to work from instead of flailing around in a panic that he caught feels.

Now that having been said, there’re a few things for you to think about as well. One of them is to ask yourself precisely what you’re worried about… but also how this is going to protect you from it.

As I’ve said before, anxiety is your brain trying to protect you from what you see as danger. It rarely makes logical sense, but that’s anxiety for you. But that lack of logic means we don’t often think all the way through what’s making us anxious. We tend to get to the “this triggers my anxiety, therefor I need to prevent it from hitting that trigger” without thinking “but is it actually helping?”

It sounds like part of what you’re worried about is that if you open things up to polyamory, he’s going to find a partner who he likes better than you and will leave you for them. This is entirely understandable and a not-unreasonable worry. The issue is that a monogamous relationship isn’t going to prevent that from happening. People in monogamous relationships can and do unilaterally end their relationships because they decide they don’t want to be with their partner. People in monogamous relationships can and do leave their partners for someone else that they met before they broke up. The difference between a monogamous and non-monogamous relationship in these scenarios is often “does the other person know their partner is actively seeking – or is currently in – another relationship?” While ignorance may be bliss, it’s not protection against the thing that happened.

Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t to say “get ready for heartbreak, your guy’s gonna leave”. It’s to say “the thing you’re worried about isn’t going to be caused by or warded off by your relationship model”.

So, remember how I said you were missing that last 10% of The Awkward Conversation? Well, here’s my suggestion to fill it in. First: talk more about the what-if and why he thinks poly is going to be an easier time for finding a partner than an open relationship without expectations.

Second: game out how you two will handle things if, against all odds, he does find someone who’s three for three for him. It’s a difficult conversation, but one that I think will at least ease some of the uncertainty that’s hitting your anxiety buttons.

Third: Ask for more reassurance. One of the things you’re worried about is that your boyfriend is less into you because you’re asexual and is dissatisfied because you’re not as good a match as you could be. One of the things that can help with that is to simply acknowledge to him that this is a worry you have, and ask if he could love you a little more loudly when it’s hitting you. Getting a little more deliberate and concentrated love, support and reassurance can help ease those worries as well as help you feel more connected to your partner.

I do think it’s ok for you to request that you close the relationship for a bit while you’re dealing with this attack – especially since he’s not currently dating anyone else. Part of what makes an open or poly relationship work isn’t just communication and time management but also trust and feeling secure in the relationship. Right now, your anxiety weasels are pogoing through your brain; getting them to settle down before another person is in the mix isn’t just reasonable, but actually would help when you do open things back up again. I’d suggest that you look at this as closing things temporarily until you’re feeling better and then reopening the discussion about how it’s going to work.

And speaking of reopening the discussion: don’t forget that these are ongoing conversations, not binding contracts. In fact, it’s good to check in periodically to make sure that things are working for both of you and that you’re both satisfied with how things are. Your needs, wants and tolerances will change over time; so will his. What you agree to now may not be what meets either of your needs in the future, so don’t be afraid to say “what I agreed to before isn’t working for me now.” That’s not being unfair or giving a bait-and-switch, it’s saying that circumstances have changed and you (or he) would like to readdress this part of our relationship.

But none of that can happen until you discuss things with your boyfriend. So start with showing him what you’ve said to me and work from there. More communication, honesty and asking for a little more love provided at a slightly louder volume is never a bad thing.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been slowly (very slowly) making improvements to my life. However I’ve really hit a plateau. I have a few things I think that are parts, but it probably isn’t all and I may need the chair leg of truth.��I started a new job 1 and 3/4 years ago, and quickly developed a crush on a co-worker. I didn’t ask her out directly or have any physical contact but allowed myself to be overly friendly and she reported feeling uncomfortable to HR. It was fair of her to do this. However I find other women on my office attractive. The idea of asking any of them deeply unappealing (three guesses why). But anytime I see them and feel a sense of attraction, I feel a sense of being back in the HR room, and it causes enormous whiplash between the two.

Couple this with the fact I haven’t made a real friend in the last 5 years, and nearly none in the last 11 (since college). I’ve done some things, even during COVID. I went to a board game group (something close to my interests, and people I normally enjoy being around) but all I wanted to do to was hang around the friend who brought me to it. When they didn’t come, all I could think the whole time was “this isn’t fun, I want to go home”. Also the curse of maintaining friendships after college holds very true. I only have about 4 people I talk to infrequently and very rarely meet up.

I know the first thing you’ll probably say is: “get your ass to therapy now”, and I was until my therapist dropped me (rather unceremoniously, in my opinion) and I’m having trouble finding the focus to do so.

If it helps, I’m autistic and have ADHD.�Sorry for how long this has been. I’d really like to find a relationship, but I realize how unrealistic that is right now.�So I’m just trying to find ways to move in a good direction while being a least moderately exhausted and burnt out.

All Out Of Love

DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE: OK my dude, I’m going to level with you: there’s a lot of detail in this that’s missing that I think would make a difference.

The one that especially leapt out at me is the situation with your therapist. There are specific ethical codes for therapists when it comes to dropping a patient, which includes making sure that the patient either is referred to another therapist, giving them adequate notice to ensure that they can avoid an interruption of treatment by finding someone else or otherwise finding ways to ensure that the patient isn’t just abandoned with a “good luck, hope it doesn’t get worse”.

Similarly, there’re a lot of reasons why a therapist might decide to end things with a patient – ranging from “I’m not adequately qualified to give you the help you need” to “This is affecting my ability to give you care at the level you deserve”.

I mention this because this seems significant, but the significance depends entirely on precisely how things went down. If your therapist just dropped you high and dry, with neither warning nor explanation nor helping you transition to another care giver, then that strikes me as being highly unethical. If not… well, that’s information that may well be relevant to the issues you’ve had with trying to make friends or find partners.

The same goes for how you ended up getting dragged in front of HR at work. To be sure: HR exists for the sake of the company, not the employees, but it’s the sort of thing that isn’t normally caused being “overly friendly”. So I think the specifics of what you were doing are important to consider. Not just for the sake of how I can advise you, but also because understanding what you did that made someone uncomfortable is the first step in learning from it.

It’s good that you think it was fair of her to say “hey, this is affecting me and I feel it necessary to go to HR about it,” but taking the next step of saying “OK, I see what the problem was, here’s how I’m going to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake” is more important. It’s also how you deal with that feeling of emotional whiplash between “I think she’s attractive” and then having flashbacks to being dressed down by HR. Understanding the whys and wherefores, taking it onboard, realizing how your actions contributed to it and ensuring that you don’t do it again helps ease those worries.

And even more importantly, it means you don’t make the same mistakes again. Which is going to be important when it comes to actually dating.

Some more introspection is also going to be helpful when it comes to making new friends and maintaining your relationship with old ones. Part of the problem with, say, going to the board game meetup is that at least some part of you was seeing it as “going with the person you already know”, rather than “going to meet people with whom I share interests in common.” Much like going to parties, if you cling to the one person you already know, you’re going to handicap yourself in terms of making new connections.

So it’ll be good for you to think a little about whether you actually wanted to go to that meetup, or you felt like you had to in the name of meeting people. In an ideal world, you want to prioritize going to things that you want to go to; if you’re going out of a sense of obligation, you’re not going to give the same amount of effort to enjoying it or to meeting people. Making friends isn’t something you want to half-ass; your potential friends deserve the whole ass. That doesn’t mean you have to go full bore “OK IT’S TIME TO BE FRIENDS NOW”, but at least giving people (and new opportunities) a chance is important

In fairness, not everything you go to will be a perfect circle in the overlapping Venn Diagram of your interests. You may even have a hard time finding events or opportunities that are your precise flavor of fun. In those cases, however, it’s worth seeing it as an opportunity for new adventures and new experiences – a chance to discover new and different interests that you may never have thought you’d enjoy. And if it doesn’t necessarily work out, it’s still at least a story.

Case in point: one of the things that changed how I approached going out and being social was to stop looking at going out as “I need to flirt with women and get numbers” and to start looking at it as “I’m going to experience a story tonight”. That story might be talking with a dude at a dive bar who turned out to be a gold prospector in South America, ending up bar-hopping with an Australian architect and his soap-opera-actress girlfriend or meeting a lovely young woman and talking art and portfolios. But because I kept my options open and saw it as “I’m going to have an experience” rather than “I need to get X result”, I was more motivated to go out, to try things that weren’t my usual jam and to not be handicapped by the unfamiliar. It even meant I tried things that seemed radically out of character for me, but would still at least provide me with stories afterwards

Now, as someone who’s autistic, you may find this to be more of a challenge. But one thing you might try is, instead of clinging to your friend at the events, asking them to introduce you around and let that be the launching point for making new connections and new friends. If they can’t make it, then asking the event’s host may be helpful. Just saying “hey, I’m new to all this and I have a difficult time meeting people, could you introduce me to a few of the regulars you think are cool?” may be useful for breaking through any blocks or hesitation you have.

But for now? I think based on what you’ve said, giving yourself a break to process what happened at work and your therapist (and finding a new one) is going to be important. Avoiding burn out means taking some time off and letting yourself recover. When it’s paired with some of the issues you’ve mentioned, taking that time to fully engage with it, learn from it and figure out how to avoid making those mistakes again (without paralyzing yourself or going into self-flagellation mode) is going to be vital.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I stumbled across your blog during a dark night of the soul. I’ve been having lots of these lately since COVID. The more accurate term for this trend might be depression and anxiety — both of which I’m receiving medication and therapy for. I’ve even become an outspoken advocate for awareness of folks with mental health, and have been featured in the media. In truth, I’m an all-round badass person, and have really been fighting to see myself that way.

Before my depression hit like a ton of bricks, I was working at the UN with refugees. I should add that I’m a woman in my thirties, and ran the whole communications unit on my own. I quit because they wouldn’t allow us to participate in the George Floyd protests, among other things. I wanted to be a writer and to move back to the US, where I’d lived in my twenties. I wanted to criticize the government of my home country and their treatment if refugees openly. Somehow I gained a scholarship to make that happen in order to pursue a PhD. I shouldn’t say “somehow,” because I’ve been academically and professionally successful all my life. I’ve always been the ambitious young woman my parents can be proud of (and I’m slowly getting there, in terms of being proud of myself). But my luck in love has always been pretty s--tty. Sometimes I wonder if, all this time, my ambition was really due to my as-yet-undiagnosed anxiety, an anxiety that kept me going going going. I say this because I think I’m a catch. Objectively, I’m pretty exceptional. But I wonder if this has always made me out of sync with the world.

I’ve always found myself in rooms, for instance, where I’m way younger than everyone else. Now that I’ve returned to the US for a PhD, I’m older than everyone else in my programme, as well as being a foreigner. The last time I came to the US for school was during Trump’s election, where I was face-to-face with a kind of race-based vitriol I’d never seen before. I’m Black and grew up in a Black country. For the first time I understood intimately what I knew objectively — that this country is rooted in such entrenched systems of oppression of so many various, marginalized peoples, including Black ones. I took this all personally. But how could I not, when at the time there was so much discussion about Black women being at the bottom of the barrel when it came to being picked by men of all races? Everything I read at the time tried to tell me to keep the faith in finding a partner — things like racism would just self-eliminate a prospect who I didn’t need to be interested in anyway. But the facts of the world would make me angry instead of hopeful, and then hopeless. It wasn’t fair — and still isn’t — that I had to reassure myself that I’d still find love when statistically, I am less likely to.

Right before I came to the US, in the middle of my plans to migrate and my first serious bout of depression, I met someone. I should have known better, but I entered full force into a “situation ship” with someone who was abusive. It shattered my life — though I’m still proud that I was able to establish a new one in the US. I felt completely demeaned by someone who belittled me for not being “feminist” or “queer” enough to enter into the poly dynamic of his dreams. There were other ways he tried to cut me down to size — successfully. I left utterly destroyed and just so skeptical about heterosexual dynamics fundamentally. This is in part because the women in my family have largely experienced some form of abuse. I witnessed my mom’s abuse via a stepdad; my mom witnessed my grandma’s abuse via her stepdad. I used to cover these realizations up with a lot of alcohol in my youth, but now that I’m sober and my eyes are opened, everything just feels intense as hell. How do I feel comfortable about dating again? How do I keep faith that there are good men out there? How do I even try to date knowing that men might think I’m too fat, or too Black, or all of the things? What if I am destined, like so many other Black women — and an immigrant to boot — to be alone? How do I date in a sexist, racist world?

– Unsure

DEAR UNSURE: I’m going to level with you Unsure: s--t’s rough, and there are no easy answers to any of it. What you’re saying and what you’re experiencing is 100% real, understandable and valid. You’re facing well-known obstacles and dealing with being someone who’s marginalized on multiple axis and ones that I as a straight, cis white guy simply don’t.

It’s entirely understandable that you’re feeling this sort of despair right now. You are – as many people are – dealing with being a reasonable person in intensely unreasonable circumstances.

I’m not surprised that you’re feeling ground down. It’s an understandable reaction to your situation.

You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. But – to quote the sage – I take great comfort in the unfairness of the universe. I mean, can you imagine how awful it would be if the universe was fair? It would mean that all of this… everything… was deserved.

And again, I want to emphasize that what I’m about to say comes from my perspective as someone who doesn’t face the systemic levels of marginalization and oppression that you do, so please take this with all appropriate levels of salt and skepticism.

But here’s something I’ve learned over the years – something that forms part of the foundation of the advice I have for men, women, non-binary people, straight people, queer people, cis people and trans people.

The first is that hope isn’t an emotion; it’s a practice. It’s something that has to be actively worked at because… well, because hope is inherently irrational. It is irrational to look around at everything and say “well, it could be worse and I bet it could be better.”

Hope is looking at all the reasons why everything is s--tty and also on fire, all the people explaining – intelligently, succinctly, accurately – why that’ll continue to be the case and then choosing to say “…but what if they’re wrong?”

But holding on to that belief – that it could be better, that better is even possible – is something that has to be done consciously, until it becomes muscle memory, because the alternative is simply despair and giving up.

There are folks who would argue that this is just sensible; hope, after all, is a delusion, a bet against terrible odds. It’s far from certain and, in fact, it’s far more likely that what one hopes for won’t come to pass – certainly not in the way that one imagines or prays for.

But that’s kind of the point of hope. Hope is all about uncertainty and beating long odds. If the outcome were guaranteed, then it wouldn’t be hope, it would just be waiting. It would be patience.

And much as patience requires practice, so does hope. Hope requires choosing to look at things and to choose to see a path, or many paths, towards a better destination, even if it’s hard to see. Even if it doesn’t exist. Even if it’s straight up imaginary.

Because if you don’t practice holding onto hope, the answer eventually becomes “quit trying and just wait for the inevitable end”.

But here’s the second thing I’ve learned over the years: the way you fight despair is through action. Part of why despair is sinister is that it’s paralyzing. It’s the state of saying “nothing matters, it’s best to expect the worst so it doesn’t hurt as much and you’re better prepared to face it,” and to accept things as being permanent, unchangeable and far, far too big for someone like you to do anything about.

But taking action – literally any action – pushes back against that. It’s Steve Rogers, beaten, broken, spitting up blood, feeling his splintered ribs, standing back up, staring someone in the eye and saying “I can do this all day.” Even knowing that he’s opposing someone who can reduce him to dust with a snap of his fingers.

The actions can be big or small, but they should be in the opposite direction of where despair says to go. It may be as small as connecting with your neighbors and making sure everyone’s doing ok. It may be volunteering your free time at an animal shelter or the museum or going knocking on doors for a local political race. It might be as simple as organizing a volunteer group to clean up a small corner of your community. Or it may be simply continuing to treat yourself as though you matter – facing all the forces, institutions and systems that’ve accumulated over the years that say that you are less deserving, less wanted, just lesser.

Now where the two intersect is important. Action counteracts despair, yeah, but action requires direction and focus, otherwise it’s incoherent, undirected, and far, far less effective.

Hope, provides direction. Remember what I said about how hope sees a path forward, even if that path doesn’t exist? That’s where hope intersects with action. Hope focuses and aims intent. Action turns intent into deeds. Seeing the path forward isn’t enough; you have to actually walk it or even blaze that trail yourself.

What does that look like, say, in your case? Well, it looks a lot like saying “so what?” in the face of everything arrayed against you. Black women, culturally and socially, get s--t on more than just about everyone else – in life as in romance. The practice of hope says “that may be true, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it and give up,” and continue to love yourself and value yourself enough to hold out for someone who’s worth your time. It’s to look at the people who tell you that you’re too black, too fat, too smart, too accomplished, too proud and give them all the finger because f--k ‘em. It’s to look at the people who tried to smother your light and shine just a little harder because f--k you that’s why. And it looks a lot like looking at the abuse you’ve endured, that your mom had endured, that your grandmother endured and saying “this doesn’t stop me from trying.”

And from there: continuing to fight. Continuing to uphold the radical act of loving yourself, respecting yourself and being honest with yourself. And honesty doesn’t mean “look at the statistics and make your peace with things being arrayed against you”; it also means looking at your accomplishments, what you’ve achieved and what you’re aiming to achieve and saying “I’m worth more than what most are willing to give me and if that means holding out longer rather than accepting less, then that’s ok”.

In a dating context, maybe this means continuing to stay on the apps but being more selective of where and who you choose to give not just your heart but your time to. Or it may mean giving up the apps and instead just meeting people, giving a little more priority to the potential of serendipity, but also to giving people more time to show you who they are. Some will seem promising but reveal that they’re not right for you. Others may seem completely at odds with everything that you want but turn out to be much more in line with you who are and what you want and deserve. It may also mean being willing to be single and to not date for a while – to not even try for a bit and instead live your life. And in living your life that’s in alignment with your highest good and your purpose and integrity, you may well find that this is precisely what brings you in contact with someone who is worth your time and your attention.

Now, is it as easy as that? Oh f--k no. Are you kidding? If it were I’d be out of a job. It’s hard as hell. You have everyone and everyone, including your own rational and sane thoughts telling you that this is absurd, that it’s crazy and that it’s pointless. You have every failure stacking up against you, every system of accumulated oppression standing in your way and all the crabs in the bucket who’re opposed to your trying to climb out attempting to pull you back down. You even have your own exhausted brain, body and soul telling you that this is crazy.

It not fast, either. It’s the bird pecking at the mountain day by day, chiseling the mountain away until the first second of eternity has passed.

Which – as the other Doctor once said – many will think is an incredibly long time. I think it’s one hell of a bird.

But that’s why hope has to be a practice and why action is a choice. It’s choosing to act irrationally because to be rational would be to give in to despair. But through embracing that irrationality, you can bend destiny itself in a way that nobody thought was possible. It won’t always be in the way you expect, and hope can change a lot over time – in no small part because you will change and what you hope for will do so as well. That change isn’t a betrayal, nor is it a sign that you’ve given up on hope. It’s just acknowledging that what you want and what you need has changed, just as you have changed. The dreams and hopes of our youth are often very different from what we dream and hope for in maturity because we have learned more about ourselves.

Now there’s a corollary to this: hope and action take effort and energy and sometimes you don’t have any to spare. That’s fine. You can be the biggest, baddest ass out there with a star for a brain and a nuclear reactor for a soul and you’ll still need a moment to catch your breath and say “well s--t” when you fall from the heavens and hit the ground. Needing to take a moment or take a knee isn’t giving into despair or giving up on hope or action. It’s not about never falling down, it’s about being willing to get back up afterwards. If you need a few in order to pull self together again, reassemble the broken pieces and fill in the cracks and gaps with gold, that’s just fine. That’s an act of hope as well.

So how do you continue to date when the world is broken, when everyone tells you that the forces arrayed against you are just too much? You start by asking “what if they’re wrong?” And then set out to prove it. And when those forces knock you to the ground, you stand up again, stare them in the eye, spit out the blood in your mouth and tell them the truth. “I can do this all day.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com