DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you’ve got some support for this situation.

My experiences with dating haven’t been all that great. I had a girlfriend when I was younger, but it was a toxic relationship which never should have happened. After that I went on to have three (thankfully) brief periods of dating emotionally unhealthy women. I recognised the pattern, and took some time out to recover. Now I’m in my thirties, and don’t really have much opportunity.

A few months back I met a girl through a Bachata group, and we ended up hanging out a few times by ourselves. I thought it was all platonic, especially since she spent a fair amount of time criticising her exes, but it also turned out we had things in common and a decent chemistry, so we ended up getting closer. A couple of months ago we went on a road trip for a few days, and it was our first time being intimate. From my perspective, everything was going fine, and she seemed really happy from the communications I had with her. At no point did we have any disagreements, everything was consensual, and I can say with absolutely certainty that I treated her well.

Immediately after that trip she went quiet on me, which I picked up and did ask about. She claimed everything was fine, but a bit later ended things because “she had other things to focus on”. She claimed she genuinely felt a connection with me, was disappointed she couldn’t pursue things further, and she wanted to assure me there was nobody else (I never asked). I accepted this reasoning at the time, although was also mindful it was in fact the end of things. In all other circumstances I would have walked away from the situation easily, however since that road trip and change in behaviour… I’ve been genuinely frightened.

I don’t truly know why, but there’s something really bothering me about the situation. At first we were talking to each other as normal, but a couple of weeks have gone by where things have been radio silent. The classes have been awkward, and I can’t help but feel she’s trying to make me jealous at times with who she speaks to / dances with. Most of all, I think it’s the stories she used to tell me about her exes – all mistreated her in horrible ways, or so she said, and now I can’t help but feel this was all made up for attention, and that I’m next on the list. I don’t want to have to stop going to the classes, but I’m concerned she may spread lies about me.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking this because of past experiences, or I don’t know if my body is trying to tell me something. I can’t tell if this is a genuine case of her wanting to focus on herself, or if I’ve been manipulated in some capacity. I’m concerned about where things are going next.

Any advice?

Look At All These Rumors

DEAR LOOK AT ALL THESE RUMORS: My dude, going from “she’s taken a step back because she’s dealing with stuff” to “She’s been lying to me all this time and now she’s just biding her time to destroy me” is a hell of a leap and I’d love to know why you took it.

I’m doing my best to be fair, here, but you’ve made some wild swings in this letter without anything to back them up. I get that folks occasionally forget to include pertinent information or don’t realize in the moment that there’s additional, relevant material that would make things clearer. But leaping straight to “I feel like she’s trying to make me jealous” and “I think she made up all those stories for attention” with absolutely nothing to bolster them doesn’t incline one to agree with you. If anything it sounds like you’re one or two but not three steps away from musing about women are voids that steal men’s light and talking about how tin foil makes a comfortable and stylish hat.

There’re a lot of reasons why someone might suddenly decide to step back from a burgeoning relationship, even when things are seemingly going well. It could be anything from “this made her realize that maybe she’s not ready to date right now” to “she’s so used to dudes treating her badly that being treated well scares her”, to “other things in her life are affecting her and she needs to withdraw in order to deal with them” to “you thought it was going well but there was something that made her decide you two weren’t really a great match after all”.

If any of those are the case, why wouldn’t she just tell you? Well, to start with, she already did. If it’s all personal stuff, then there’s really nothing more to be said; y’all were barely at the start of a relationship and she doesn’t owe you a deposition about her life. If she doesn’t want to share or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, that’s her right. You’ve gotten the information you needed; everything else are details. If it’s an issue of something that you did that made her realize she’s not interested in a relationship or that you two may not be compatible after all… well, there’re a lot of reasons why she wouldn’t want to share it. If she’s had a lot of s--tty exes, then she may well have had similar conversations before and had them go off messily and all over the place before. Yeah, you wouldn’t act like that… but she’s likely heard that from dudes before.

But also, maybe part of what she’s trying to work out is that she feels a certain way but doesn’t know why. She could well not be explaining things precisely because she doesn’t have a firm grasp on it and is giving a socially polite reason to you instead of saying “look, I got no goddamn clue why but this isn’t working for me.”

I would, however, want to know why you think she’s trying to make you jealous outside of, y’know, just dancing or talking to people who aren’t you. Leaving aside that it’s entirely possible that you’re reading too much into this, there’re a whole host of reasons why she might just be talking to other folks more than you. One of the bigger ones would be if you’re radiating the same “you’re just manipulating me” energy in person that you are in this letter. If you’re coming off in the flesh the way you come off in this letter… well, I’m not surprised that she’s keeping her distance.

I think saying that you’re overthinking things is a bit of an understatement here. Overthinking would be “Wait, did I offer her the wrong beverage when we stopped for snacks on the road?” or “Did I say or do the wrong thing or misread a tone of voice or choice of clothing”, not “she’s probably spreading lies about me”. Trusting your gut is generally a good idea… but only if your gut is trustworthy. And if your gut is making the leap to “she’s a lying liar who tells lies and is about to lie to people about me” without actual evidence that this is happening? Well, that’s a point where you should be questioning your guts’ trustworthiness.

This is a time when NerdLove’s Razor comes into play: never assume the worst case scenario unless you have actual evidence that it’s happening. Most of the time, it’s just anxiety fucking with you

Right now, I think the best thing you can do is to take what she said at face value. Even if it is the case that something you said or did made her decide it was time to end things, you aren’t going to change things by not accepting what she said. The overall outcome will be the same and you won’t be creating a weird atmosphere by acting like she’s maliciously deceiving you.

So dial things back on your end. Quit assuming that she’s out there lying about you unless and until you actually have evidence – not speculation, not guesswork, not a “gut feeling” but actual evidence. Treat her like you did before you started hooking up: be polite and respectful. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, then let her go about her business with good grace. Continue being a good guy within the group instead of walking around looking like you’re trying to solve an especially complicated calculus problem in your head. If she gets to a place where she feels like she can talk to you about what happened – or wants to, for that matter – then she’ll come to you. Until then? Keep on with life as normal.

Stop borrowing trouble when there isn’t any. Life’s too short as it is.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll preface the rest of this message by saying that I am in therapy. I was mistreated when I was younger, so there’s some baggage there to unfold. It’s taking time, but I’m making progress. I wouldn’t say I’m in a “bad place”, but my self-esteem has certainly taken a hit. I struggle to feel emotions too.��I’m not even sure where to begin with my story. I’m a 31 year old bloke who (seemingly) has his life together – I’ve got the career, my health, financial stability and so forth. According to others, I’m also pretty damn attractive, and social. I can’t even recount the amount of times I’ve received compliments in this area.��Yet I don’t really have friends, and don’t get dates.�Over the years I’ve been to a ton of meet-ups, eventually becoming a regular at many of them, but I never really made a connection with those around me, even though I would often end up being the “center” of groups. I’ve made attempts to hangout outside of these events, either as a solo activity or as a small party, but it’s never really gone anywhere. On the rare occasion I did make a connection, it usually turned out that they weren’t the best type of people to be hanging out with, so I’ve soon walked away from those situations – which is good for my health, but not so much for my social life. Of course, my dating experiences have also been non-existent for years. For the longest of time I felt ignored by women – I never got matches on dating apps, and I can still remember the many nights I would return home from a club, absolutely miserable at having not so much as being noticed. I never really meet women when I do go out to the events, and the few I do speak to are usually taken, or not attractive to me.

With this situation in mind, I therefore find it extremely weird when I get randomly complimented by people who describe me as very social, or attractive, because I feel like the total opposite. Honestly, I get the vibe that people think I’m incredibly popular, and have no trouble with romance.

I’ll give you two examples of what I mean by all this. The first is that I do dance classes, and have been doing them for about a year. I’m a familiar face, and someone that people get along with easily when we do talk. I get plenty of compliments about my dancing, often referred to as one of the best leads. I’m also someone that the girls clearly trust, as I’ve had to walk a couple home because (sadly) there are others who can be a bit “creepy”. It all sounds good, right? Well, I still experience the exact opposite – I’m not approached for conversation, and from observation it feels that everyone has developed a much deeper friendship and knowledge of each other compared to myself. It’s like I’m there, and people are aware of me, but they don’t really SEE me, or want to get to know me.��The second example relates to women. I’d say within the last six months, there has possibly been an increase in attention. I say possibly, because I can never really tell. To me, a girl’s attraction to a guy is usually obvious – she’ll talk to him, add him on social media etc. I never experience this. At most, I get the occasional glance my way, and I did hear a rumour about someone liking me at work. Even if I’m right, I wouldn’t know what to do with this information, and it’s usually not in a situation where I can do anything about it. Perhaps the only “most convenient” time was the last I went out for a night out – being one of the very few guys to be dancing (seriously, I never realised how many just stand on the edges and stare), I noticed that a couple of girls seemed to gravitate towards me… but no effort at conversation, eye contact or indicative body language was made on their part. So, I’m stuck in this weird limbo where I may be in a position in life where women want to date me, but I don’t have the social life that would present such opportunities.

I’m sorry if none of this adds up, as I’m finding it all very confusing. I’m struggling to articulate all this, but the short of it all is that I have A LOT going for me, but very little pay off in terms of my romantic or social life. I recognise that I’m a good person with plenty of strengths, such as empathy, but in all these years, I’ve not found “my people”. And it hurts. On that most recent night out, I walked past all these young people, attractive women etc, feeling like an alien on another planet. Now in my 30’s, I feel like I’ve missed out on the “best times of my life”.

One Is The Loneliest Number

DEAR ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER: OK, OILN, you’re hardly the first person to write in with a situation like this. In fact, I pulled your letter precisely because you have a prototypical example of something that a lot of guys don’t seem to understand or seem willing to take on board.

Here you are, a guy who supposedly flips all the attraction switches social media says women want. You’ve got money, a good job, you’re good looking, your own place… going by what so many dodgy podcasts and TikTok influencers say, you should be living a life of hot and cold running sex.

And yet Saturday is still the loneliest night of the week and you – a guy who hits all the marks – are stuck like Tantalus, surrounded by food and yet starving to death.

And that’s because there’s a very important lesson here: all the trappings that guys think women want in a man don’t mean a damn thing. It’s the same reason why “no job, no apartment, no car, but I’m in a band” guys seem like they punch outside their weight class: the material trappings of success and status mean precisely f--k-all. Action does.

Here’s what you’re missing: none of these things are going to bring women into your life by themselves. It’s a little like the obsession with six-pack abs. Not only are they not a sign of actual meaningful fitness, most folks are never going to know if you have them unless you act like The Situation and just go around making showing them off your entire personality. So expecting those traits – your physique, your financial success, etc. – to be all it takes to inspire people leap into your arms is a losing proposition. Leaving aside the part of “how will folks know unless you tell them”, there’s the fact that these are simply not as important as folks make them out to be. Not to the level that people seem to expect.

Can they help you feel more secure in connecting with someone? Certainly. Does having your debts under control, a good, steady income and your own place give you more freedom and thus more opportunities to go out and meet people? Yeah. Does knowing that you’re capable of supporting yourself and don’t need either a mommy or a wallet with legs make you a more desirable partner? Of course it does.

But those are, at best, bonuses to your ability checks, not something that negates the need to make an ability check in the first place. It’s not going to automatically win someone over for you, especially without effort on your part.

What I’m seeing in your letter is someone who’s a great illustration of why what you see on the surface is illusory. You say it yourself: people assume you’re popular and socially successful because you seem like you have it all. But past the glittery surface of other people’s assumptions, we have someone who’s feeling lonely and left out. And part of this comes down to the fact that you aren’t doing anything. You have to actually make some moves here.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with you, nor is it that you’re doing something wrong. It’s that you’re not doing. Period.

What I see in your letter are multiple times when you have opportunities to meet people or to deepen superficial connections you already have, but don’t. Let’s take the example of going dancing. You’re already standing out as one of the few guys who’s not just willing to get out on the floor, but who dances well. In fact, you’re seeing people give you positive signs – gravitating to you, trusting you to be safe, talking you up about how great a lead you are – but you’re not doing anything about it. In every example you mention, you have people who are trying to meet you half way, but you’re functionally shutting them down. They don’t seem to want to get to know you more because your behavior is suggesting a lack of interest. You aren’t giving them something to work with.

People seeking you out for conversation is a great example of this. In your letter, it seems pretty clear that when you’re in the ‘center’ of things, you’re not being proactive or going beyond just surface topics, and when you’re out trying to meet people, you’re only talking to a very small number of folks.

Well there’s your problem.

People can’t get to know you if you’re not talking to them. You have to be willing to open up and show that you’re willing to open up. People can’t dance with you if you don’t ask them to dance.

Think of it in dance terms: there’s the lead and the follow. Being a good dancer, regardless of whether you lead or follow requires good communication – the follow needs to understand what the lead is signaling with each move and demonstrate they’re ready for the next step, the lead needs to provide a firm frame and confident motion to direct the follow. If the lead’s frame is mushy or their signals are unclear or not firm enough, then the follow isn’t going to understand what steps the lead is trying to transition to and everything falls apart.

Well, you’re getting signals from people who want to dance but not only are you not leading, you’re not even asking them to dance. The women around you are waiting for you to lead them through the steps and you’re walking off the floor because they’re not already dancing with you.

Now it seems like part of the problem is that you’re doing what a lot of guys do: you’re making a lot of assumptions based on facts not in evidence. You’re relying on conclusions you’ve drawn based on observations without ever asking yourself whether you might be wrong. And you’ve got evidence that you might be wrong already. All those people who see you and assume that you’re popular and have no problems dating are mistaken, yeah?

So why doesn’t that go both ways?

If people can look at you and come to the wrong conclusion based on outward appearances and assumptions, why aren’t you recognizing that you may be making incorrect conclusions based on what you’re seeing? Maybe – and stick with me here – the folks you’re seeing don’t have deeper friendships and greater knowledge of one another. Maybe, and I know this sounds crazy, but just maybe it only seems that way because they’re doing the dance. They’re having conversations and giving people opportunities to get to know each other better, rather than assuming that the other person is not interested?

The only way people can get to know you better is if you give them the chance and show that you’re interested in getting to know them, too. If you’re not taking opportunities to have those conversations, to let them go beyond small talk and let things build, it’s not going to happen.

The same thing goes with what you’re assuming are signs of romantic or sexual interest. Talking to somebody and adding them on social media isn’t someone declaring “take me now, you wild stallion!”, it’s basic socialization. If you’re holding out talking to people unless they do all this first, it’s no wonder you’re not making connections; you’re not giving them the opportunity to even get to that stage. And that’s just signs of potential friendship, not a prelude to squishy noises in the club bathroom.

If you want to take advantage of the opportunities you have, you have to actually do something. That means making moves even if you don’t feel like you have a 100% chance of success. It means being willing to open up, even just a little, to get beyond the smallest of small talk. Asking women to dance, talking with them afterwards, maybe going over to the bar to grab a drink after the song finishes… these are all how you make things actually happen.

And, incidentally, it seems like you may be expecting instant fireworks instead of what most people get: general curiosity and just enough interest to want to learn more. You’ll almost certainly do better if you aren’t judging success by whether you get a date as soon as you meet someone (most people don’t date this way), but by building connections with people and getting to know them.

But first you have to give them the chance. You’re not the wallflower at the dances you go to; it’s time to stop being the wallflower socially. If you want to make the most of the advantages you have, then step on up and start acting instead of waiting.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you since I have a problem and I don’t know how to solve it anymore. A little while before the pandemic started in 2020 I’ve experienced a massive drop in my sex drive. Before, I’d be attracted to people, interested in and sex and masturbation, but to this day I’m not interested in all of this anymore and it stresses me out and makes me sad. The only explainable thing I can trace this back to is an unwanted sexual encounter right before the pandemic where somebody crossed my boundaries.

Due to this and the pandemic the last 3 years have been quite a mess. While I definitely can say that I’ve been experiencing depressive episodes and avoidance of anything sexual in the past, since this year I’m feeling so much better. I have lovely flatmates, a new job, a lot of friends, and I never lay in bed anymore struggling to get up. but I’m struggling a lot with the fact that I’m unable to have sex, masturbate or even being aroused. I’m never aroused anymore.

This is very stressful for me, because I’m not having any solutions that fit my situation. All I’m getting is “try to relax” which is so unhelpful it makes me want to punch the person in the face or they are suggesting I’m having self-esteem issues (which is not true. I’m having self-worth and I really like my body). Or that I should try masturbation because this is supposed to be safer for people who had unwanted sexual encounters. But I feel like advice for people with sexual hang ups don’t fit me (relax, sometimes you don’t want sex, talk to your partner, explore). They don’t fit me because I don’t have a partner and I can’t explore my sexuality if there’s nothing there anymore which I can explore. Sexual media and fantasies are boring and maybe at best not-distressing and pleasant, but not arousing at all, even its stuff that has been core of my sexuality before. And I know from before what it’s like to be not in the mood in a situation. But these phases have never been so long and I just did not feel it but never felt like I’ve had no sex drive. Advice for people with trauma doesn’t help me much either. I don’t think I’ve ever had flashbacks or anything and I feel very much like myself now again, except for not being able to enjoy myself sexually. But it’s not something where I desire someone and maybe want to f--k them and not being able to due to unwanted memories of flashbacks or being scared, I’m just don’t feel interested or attracted or aroused even if I’m attracted to them romantically.��I’ve talked a lot to somebody who experienced sever sexual abuse and while I formerly related to things they experienced I do not anymore. I feel like I’ve worked through the nonconsensual situation, I’ve journaled a lot about it, and I’m probably starting therapy but I feel like I’m just too stubborn to accept that my sexuality changed and this is my new normal and therapy can’t change that either. I can’t help to compare myself to them: they are having really obvious really intense symptoms, and I just don’t have them. I feel very much like myself and I really like myself, really not struggling so why can’t I masturbate or like somebody while they can f--k several people while dealing with their severe PTSD-symptoms? next to them I feel really s--tty. I’ve never really felt down for not having sex so far, but this is really taking a toll on me. especially it’s not a question of “there’s nobody available” but more like “even if there’s someone I’d maybe like in that way or could like, I would not be able to be attracted to them or aroused by them or myself”. and I feel like they try to explain my problems with trauma, but when I bring it up that maybe my sexuality changed because I don’t have symptoms and I should just stop wanting sex and accept it, they don’t believe. And tbh I don’t know what to believe either.��I’m really sad and angry that I’m not able anymore to enjoy this part of myself because before this thing happened masturbating, consuming sexual media and dating people was really joyful and easy. ofc there have been problems (like not knowing how to communicate my boundaries or being scared of certain things and therefore not pursuing folks) but they felt easy to solve or I knew I should just give it time and there would be a solution. with this problem it feels like I’m hitting a brick wall and I really hate it and I’m so scared that it will stay like this forever. I’ve gave myself so much time but I’m really fed up now. I’m really jealous of folks who can enjoy sexual stuff and it hurts so much to see them do it.��My question is: how can I tell if this is just normal sexuality and wanting to changing that would do more harm than good or if change would be fine? And how can I get my sex drive back if no normal advice helped me?

No Time For Love

DEAR NO TIME FOR LOVE: First and foremost, NTFL: I’m sorry for what happened to you. However, I feel like I should point out that trauma comes in a lot of forms. Just because you’re not experiencing things in the exact same way others do doesn’t mean that you’re not experiencing trauma. Diagnosing yourself based on other people’s symptoms can be incredibly misleading at best.

Is it possible that this is all a result of having been assaulted? I mean… sure. It’s certainly possible. But I think there’re other possibilities out there that you may not have accounted for.

(Standard disclaimer: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor. Please don’t take anything I say as a diagnosis or medical advice, I’m a loudmouth with an advice column, not a medical or mental health professional.)

As a general rule, my advice for when there’s a major change in one’s libido, it’s important to look to see what’s changed that may be having an effect. A lot of medications – especially if you’re taking anything for depression or anxiety – will kill your sex-drive deader than the dodo. A number of SSRIs, such as Zoloft, are infamous for dropping one’s sex drive faster than walking in on your parents reenacting the food scene from 9 ½ Weeks. And if you’ve recently changed medications – even ones that seem innocuous – that may be a key contributing factor.

Similarly, if you’ve had changes in sleep schedules, drastic changes in weight, started or stopped smoking, drama and stress at work… these are all well-known libido stompers. You should also talk to your GP about getting your hormone levels checked; sometimes the issue is purely chemical.

And of course, part of what you describe – when something you loved no longer makes you happy and you can’t bring yourself to participate in it again – is a very common symptom of depression. I know you’ve said that you’re not having a depressive episode and that other aspects of your life are doing just fine, but it’s possible that this is still the results of depression. That’s something that would definitely need to be brought up with a trained medical professional.

But there’s at least one humongous potential cause that’s hanging over this letter like Banquo’s ghost: The COVID pandemic.

Remember at the start of the pandemic when people suggested that the lockdowns would trigger a post-pandemic baby-boom? With couples and roommates and such locked in together for who-the-f--k-knows how long, people thought we’d all be friggin’ in the riggin’ because there was f--k-all else to do.

Well, turns out it was the exact opposite of all that. Thousands upon thousands reported that their get-up and go just plain got up and went. Many folks lost all interest in sex, full stop. And it wasn’t confined to sex; many people found that the couldn’t enjoy or participate in things they loved and brought them joy ­– from reading to music to games or creative pursuits. As it turns out, living through an apocalypse is really goddamn difficult and the stress, fear and chaos of it all have long-lasting effects. This can be exacerbated by people swearing up and down that it’s all over and we’re supposed to just return to normal like it never happened – as though the effects of living through millions of deaths and the feeling that we had been abandoned by our governments and the powers-that-be were something we could turn off like a switch.

Quite frankly, a lot of the current state of the world is the cumulation of worldwide trauma and we need to reckon with that.

Now, here’s the other side of things: some of what was suggested for you was actually not bad advice. Masturbation, for example, may actually be useful. A lot of people don’t have spontaneous arousal patterns – the old boner-outta-nowhere or suddenly being wetter than a cat in a hurricane. Instead, they tend to have responsive arousal patterns – instead of being aroused and then having sex, they experience sexual activity and become aroused during the process. So by starting with physical arousal – in this case, masturbation – you may find that mental arousal happens during the act rather than before. Giving yourself a work-over even if you’re not feeling it at the start may trigger the actual desire.

Similarly, being told to relax about it sounds like someone dismissing your legitimate concerns with condescending head pats and bulls--t, but what they’re saying is that you can’t force yourself to feel aroused or be attracted to someone. And to make matters worse, the more you focus on your current state of non-horniness, the more you reinforce it. You’re not just keeping it at the forefront of your brain and spending all your bandwidth on it. You’re getting so frustrated because you know this is something you’re capable of but it’s. Just. Not. WORKING. and as a result, you’re actually making things worse.

It’s a little like when you can’t beat that one goddamn boss in Elden Ring or Bloodborne or, hell, goddamn Ninja Gaiden for the NES. The more you try, it seems like the worse you get until you’re about to set a record for how far you can hurl a game controller through drywall.

But if you just… stop for a while, put down the controller, turn off the console and walk away for an evening, you often find that when you come back to it, you blow through that level like it wasn’t even there. That time away let you relax, recharge and calm down. That, in turn, allowed you to focus the way you needed to, respond with cat-like dexterity and send another collection of pixels and polygons to hell like it deserves.

So giving yourself permission to just not be horny for a while can be valuable. Instead of frustrating yourself trying to force the issue or make it happen, giving yourself permission to just not think about it and just be can be helpful. Clearing your mind, letting yourself de-stress and just getting to a point where you can inhabit your body without feeling like you need to force sexy thoughts may well be like taking a deep breath and feeling every muscle in your body unknot at once.

My recommendation is to try a little bit of both. Giving yourself permission to just not be horny or attracted to people and letting things be can be important. Testing the waters (as it were) even when you’re not in the mood may, at the very least, give you insight as to whether it’s that your libido has cratered or your response patterns have changed.

But also: you should talk to medical professionals – both your GP and a therapist. Ruling out any physical or chemical causes is a good start, as is addressing the possibility of how the pandemic has affected your mental health. In fact, since you mention that you’re probably going to therapy, I’d recommend that you make that a priority. However, I would suggest that you may want to at least start with those sessions being a bit more wide-ranging, rather than trying to leap immediately to what you would see as an obvious cause. Just as holding tension in your neck and shoulders can cause pain in your hips and lower-back, stress, trauma and other sources of distress can cause effects that don’t always seem directly related.

The odds that it’s any one, easily addressed cause is relatively low. It’s seems far more likely to be a blend of issues that’re leaving you high and dry. But the first step in bringing your sex drive back – in whatever form it may take – is going to be letting yourself just be what you are for a while. Leaning into it and not fighting it may well be what lets everything else come back into alignment and either return to normal function or allow you to treat the cause(s) rather than the symptom.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com