DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is it wrong for me to want to date, have sexual experiences, and be with a variety of women? And is it wrong for me to feel sad or lonely when this isn’t happening?��I often feel like I’m in the wrong for wanting this and not feeling good about not getting it. One reason for me to feel wrong about this is because I’m 30 and it feels like I missed the boat on this. It seems that every available woman is looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship. It feels like the only way it would be possible to get what I want is to lead women on. Now, I would never do that, but it feels like just wanting variety puts me on the same level as the guys who would. And me feeling sad about it feels like being depressed about not being able to go on some luxury vacation.

So is it wrong for me to feel this way?

Shouldn’t Want What I Can’t Get

DEAR SHOULDN’T WANT WHAT I CAN’T GET: There’s nothing wrong with wanting things, SWWICG, and nothing inherently wrong with having a sad when you don’t or can’t get them. And what you want – multiple sex partners, a variety of sexual experiences and adventures, etc. – isn’t unusual in the slightest. If anything, it’s more or less the norm; you run into very, very few people who have such single-target sexuality that they don’t ever have any interest in anyone else, nor that they only ever had (and wanted) only one partner. They exist – I know a folks personally who’ve only ever slept with their long-term partners, whom they’ve been with since high-school – but they’re thin on the ground.

As a general rule, people want a variety of sexual experiences, and we have biological systems that encourage this. There’s a famous story about President Coolidge and his wife visiting a farm modeling new forms of agriculture, where the president and his wife were given separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken pen – so the story goes – she saw a rooster vigorously mating with a hen. “Does this happen every day?” she asked her tour guide. “Yes, madam,” he replied, “ multiple times a day.” “Well, please tell that to the President when he comes by.”

When President Coolidge came to the yard, and his wife’s message was relayed, he asked “Well, is it the same hen every time?” “Oh no, Mr. President,” the guide replied; “it’s with many different hens.”

“Well, then please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.” He replied.

The story is apocryphal, but it lead to the term “The Coolidge Effect” – where the dopamine and oxytocin generated in the brain during partnered sex with the same partner diminishes and levels out over time, but surges during sex with a new and different partner. The Coolidge Effect’s been documented in a number of mammal species, including humans. So your interest in a variety of sex partners and experiences is entirely in keeping with the human experience. Most people experience this; it’s just that most folks engage in this practice via serial monogamy.

Now, while wanting things isn’t inherently bad, that doesn’t mean that there can’t be problematic ways that this desire can be expressed. Why you want it can complicate things. It’s one thing if, for example, you know yourself to be non-monogamous, knowing that you need variety in your sex life or that you prefer multiple, short term relationships over one long-term relationship with one person. It’s another if, for example, you’re equating sex with value and using sex for validation. You run the risk of not just doing harm to yourself but possibly causing harm to others in how you prioritize and pursue it.

Similarly, it’s entirely understandable if you feel a little disappointed that you didn’t reach some goal or something you’ve wanted remains out of reach. That’s a very normal human feeling. But if you let it curdle into resentment or bitterness that you “weren’t allowed” or “missed out” on something and it becomes something you treat as a great tragedy or definitional lack, then you’re well into emotional self-harm.

Being mindful of the whys and hows of your desires can be important, if only to make sure you’re engaging with them in a healthy manner.

With all that in mind, it sounds to me like what you’re looking for is bog-standard non-exclusivity or an open relationship. That’s perfectly reasonable; some folks simply don’t like or want monogamy and it doesn’t work for them. It’s also increasingly culturally accepted, with more and more people coming out as non-monogamous or having polyamorous relationships. And, of course, there are plenty of folks who are quite happy having casual relationships without expectations of exclusivity or commitment.

You simply need to own this. You’re not interested in a long-term, exclusive relationship – not right now, possibly not ever. Trying to force yourself into an exclusive relationship is going to make you unhappy. So own that. Accept it as part of who you are – at least for now – and let exclusivity be a deal breaker when you’re looking for partners. If someone you find attractive is only interested in a long-term, monogamous commitment, then they’re simply not compatible with you and you’ll both be better off finding a partner who’s a better fit.

Part of owning it, however, is to be up front about this. It’s one thing if you’ve only recently discovered that you don’t want or can’t do monogamy; many people only learn that they want or need ethical non-monogamy while in a monogamous relationship and have to adjust from there. However, there’re also many times when folks who aren’t clear that non-monogamy and openness is a must-have for them when they already know this about themselves. As a result, their partners, who entered into the relationship under the impression that this was always intended to be exclusive, often feel blindsided, even tricked or betrayed. The “ethical” part of “ethical non-monogamy” includes being straightforward about this, rather than hoping that you can force a pivot after you’ve locked someone down into a relationship.

(And to be clear, there’s a difference between “I’m willing to make a monogamous commitment for a limited time while we build the trust and communication necessary and then we’ll discuss opening things up” and unilaterally declaring that you’re now altering the deal and they should pray that you don’t alter them further.)

Owning it also makes it easier to find folks who want the same thing. While finding women who are also non-monogamous or are open to non-monogamy can be a challenge, it’s much harder to find them if you’re not making it possible for them to find you as well. People can’t meet you where you are if they don’t know you’re there in the first place. So being open and up front about what you’re looking for is the first step towards facilitating this desire.

There are a few ways of accomplishing this. OKCupid and other dating apps have categories for ethical non-monogamy or polyamorous relationships and there are apps specifically targeted for people looking for those kinds of relationships. Hanging your shingle should be the first stop for you.

You should also seek out poly and ENM groups and communities – both online and in person. You’re much more likely to find organized groups in major metropolitan cities, but the increasing awareness and acceptance of polyamory and ENM means that you can find them in places you might never expect. And while the online communities can frequently be hotbeds of drama, they also frequently have in-person gatherings and events – from drink-ups to karaoke nights and more. Find your people and you will, at the every least, find greater support and understanding about what you’re looking for.

However, I will say that there’s a difference between casual or non-committed relationships and polyamory, and you shouldn’t confuse the two. The former is simply about expectations around sexual exclusivity; the latter is about having multiple, concurrent emotionally engaged relationships. If you want the former, looking for the latter would be almost as much of a mistake as trying to make an exclusive relationship work. Polyamory is dating squared, and requires clear communication, boundaries and time management skills. If what you’re looking for is to just be “playing the field”, as the olds once said, then that’s where you should put your time and attention.

So, no, it’s not bad to want those things, or even to pursue them. Just remember: prioritize honesty and being up front with what you want, and allowing others to go their own way. If what you want isn’t what they want, it’s kinder to both of you to walk away, so each of you can find what you actually need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently discovered your site, maybe two weeks ago, and have been reading it on my breaks since. My problem is a bit unusual, so let me start with the background.

I am in my early 30s, and recently moved across the world, from Africa to England. It’s been a journey. I used to have a long distance relationship with someone here that lasted 7 years, but we broke up shortly before I moved. We’re still on excellent terms however. I have been somewhat isolated since my move, but I want to make an effort to change that. I am looking for a space to do so currently.

Onto the meat of the issue : I’ve been stuck in a rut in terms of love and libido for a while. I know I am somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum, I suspect Demisexual but it is very hard to pin down. My attraction is almost certainly pansexual, though strongly favoring femme presentation. I am pretty comfortable with myself too, in terms of how I feel about these things.

I’ve got a relatively high libido. But I really, really don’t like the physical act of sex. Thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. Technically, I am still a virgin, but I have had some low level sexual encounters, but they always without exception left me feeling horrible about myself. I have put a lot of thought into it and realized that if I do end up in a relationship, I am absolutely fine with an open one so that my partner can have their fun.

All that said, I still crave a sexually intimate connection with someone. What I have found to satisfy that desire for connection is Erotic Text Roleplay. That tends to satisfy me entirely and it’s really what I imagine would be part of my ideal relationship. I’ve had a tendency to go on site that provide that for a very brief fling type deal, but I also really want something more concrete and someone who I can be with, not just a singular fling.

The crux of all this is: how do I partner who is happy with that? It really feels very unlikely I would be find a partner who is ok with no physical intimacy, but ok with a “online” version of that. How would I explain to someone just how my oddball sexuality is?

Signed�A Sexual Oddity

DEAR A SEXUAL ODDITY: First of all ASO, you’re not that unusual. There’re a number of people in the asexual community who are sex-repulsed like you – they have a sex drive and desires (many of whom are demisexual like you) but the actual physical act squicks them out, and they prefer to find other means of release when necessary.

Secondly, your interests aren’t that uncommon either. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago that I had a letter from someone who was jealous of their partner having what seemed to be a sexting/role-play connection with their writing partner. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that there’re quite a few people out there who enjoy role play and sexting as the dominant means of sexual intimacy.

However, in order to find those people, I think the first thing you need is to stop talking yourself down about your sexuality. Labeling yourself as weird or abnormal or oddball sets a framework for thinking of yourself as being damaged or that your interests are shameful or somehow negative, when ultimately it’s just one of many ways that humans have been getting off since we discovered abstract representation. Hell, for a long time, sexting and text-based erotic role-play were the only ways of being sexual with others over the Internet, lo those long decades ago when GIFs were still images that took hours to download, online video was a laughable concept and Multi-User Dungeons were the closest thing people had to group chats.

In fact, I’d point out that this even has a certain amount of historical precedent. In 12th century France, Abelard and Heloise, star-crossed lovers if ever there were any, conducted their love affair through letters. They had to, in fact; Heloise ran off to a nunnery to escape her family, and Abelard was forcibly castrated by Heloise’s family after their initial affair was discovered. Both entered cloistered religious orders and had only their words to maintain and manage their love for one another.

So hey, your preferred means of sexual expression isn’t the most widely held, but it’s quite literally older than steam and almost as old as dirt. Talking it down like this, however, makes it a lot harder to find someone who either is interested already or who’d be open to giving it a try.

Because we’re social creatures, people as a general rule will often take our cues on how to react to something from others. If you roll these aspects of your sexuality out like a generational curse laid on you for raiding a witch’s garden, people are going to respond accordingly. Treating it like a shameful secret or something that must be apologized for is only going to turn people off or make them suspect that this is just the cover for something much worse.

On the other hand, if you just treat this as normal and just how you’re wired – or even something that makes you special and different – then people are much more likely to respond positively. Treat it as a value add – you and they have a more creative and unique connection while they also have the freedom to have the sorts of sex they may want or need. This can be especially helpful if you either get into another long-distance relationship, or start a relationship with someone who has to travel frequently for work, who ends up deployed overseas with the military or otherwise can’t be with you physically on the regular. Or you may find a companionate relationship, where a sexual connection simply isn’t a priority for you but companionship, shared space and a shared life and interests are.

And if you are still able to have forms of non-sexual physical intimacy, such as cuddling, massage, etc. – then you may find a balance that works for you and your potential partners.

Now that having been said: finding someone who is into this is going to be a challenge, simply because there are going to be fewer on the ground than if you were allosexual. It’s just a matter of pure demographics and numbers; most folks are going to want and prioritize a more standard-issue sexual connection. So you’re going to have to cast a fairly wide net to start with. Fortunately, because you prefer non-physical forms of sex, physical proximity isn’t going to be as much of an issue and you can expand your search radius farther than most.

However, it will likely require some compromises on your part, depending. You may, for example, find it easier to find someone who’s physically near you and into a companionate relationship, but have to look elsewhere for roleplay partners. Or you may have to accept primarily short-term ERP connections for a while, until you find someone who you click with enough to have a longer-term relationship.

Now normally I’m a big “minimize your reliance on dating apps” guy, especially these days. However, with your particular needs and interests, I think the Internet and dating apps in general are going to be your primary resource, here. If you get on the apps, I’d recommend one general purpose app – likely OKCupid, seeing as it’s the Golden Corral of the dating app world – and one that’s for more outré or non-normative relationship models like Feeld, as well as kink-focused sites like . In both cases, make it abundantly clear what you’re looking for: you’re looking for a text-based sexting partner, with an eye towards erotic roleplay, but that physical sex is off the table.

Yeah, this is going to severely narrow your potential prospects and you’re going to spend a not-inconsiderable amount of time without matches or messages. But trust me: it’s going to be better for you in general than having to deal with having to seek out the individual needles in the haystack of other matches that’re looking for a standard-issue sex partner.

Now, you may also have some luck looking in non-traditional, non-dating oriented spaces – including MMOs like World of Warcraft. A lot of online relationships started on MMOs, role-play MUDs and MUSHs back in ye olden days of the Internet, and many still exist. However, this carries the same caveat as going to MeetUps or classes to find partners: you don’t want to roll in asking if anyone wants to hot-chat, but to simply meet like-minded folks, make friends and see if something develops.

But again, this all is much easier if you treat your sexuality as just a fact about you, not something to apologize for in advance. After all, not only will you not be priming the more meat-and-potatoes folks to see it as just part of who you are, but it’s much easier to find like-minded folks if you aren’t implicitly suggesting that they should feel badly about an interest you both share.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a girlfriend whom I’m not sure if I’m in love with but I really like her. One of our mutual friends told her I am in love with her and she likes me but she is not ready for that commitment. Neither am I. I don’t know how to take this back because we’ve only been dating for a month. How do I talk to her about it or take the ‘I love you’ back?

– Very Confused and Anxious

DEAR VERY CONFUSED AND ANXIOUS: You need better friends. ��Honestly, VCA, I want to commend you for knowing how you feel and also recognizing that it’s too early for you to make any declarations of love. That’s some pretty solid self-awareness and emotional intelligence. At one month in, you don’t know each other well enough to say if this is love or just the rush and excitement of a new relationship. Even when you’re dealing with someone you’ve known for a while, there’s a difference between knowing them as a friend and knowing them in the context of a romantic relationship. So hey, good on you for being aware of this.

But here’s the thing: there’s nothing for you to take back here, VCA, because you didn’t say anything. Your friend – for whatever reason – took it upon themselves to say it in your name. You didn’t ask them to do this, and it sounds like you didn’t express that you were in love with your girlfriend to them.

Quite frankly, it sounds to me like your friend was out of line for doing so, inserting themselves in your relationship where they had no business being. I don’t know if they thought they were being helpful and trying to facilitate something, if they’re just a busybody or they’re a habitual line-stepper but this was not cool of them and you should say so.

But first, you’d better to clear things up with your girlfriend. I’d recommend that you get together with her (in person, preferably) and clear the air. Tell her “Hey, I understand $MUTUAL went and told you I said I was in love with you. I really like you, I love what we have right now and I could see myself getting there eventually, but I’m not there yet. I don’t know why $MUTUAL did that, but I think you and I are both on the same page about it being too soon for that… how are you feeling about this?”

Meanwhile, I’d also say it’s a good time to take your friend aside and read them the riot act. Whether they had good intentions or not, they didn’t have the right to act on your behalf like that or to get involved in your relationship the way they did – especially since it wasn’t true and had the potential of messing things up by giving your girlfriend the wrong idea.

If they want to keep being your friend, they need to back off and chill the f--k out and not be so “helpful” without your direct and specific request for their assistance. They definitely shouldn’t take it upon themselves to get involved without running it by you first, especially with a relationship as new as this one.

If they apologize, then they can also go to your girlfriend and apologize to her for sticking their nose in. If they don’t… well, that’s a problem, and it may be time to reconsider how much you want them in your life.

Because at the end of the day? This isn’t on you, this is on them, and if they’re going to go f--king around in other people’s relationships, then they no longer get the privilege of having access to you or your friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com