DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently discovered your site, maybe two weeks ago, and have been reading it on my breaks since. My problem is a bit unusual, so let me start with the background.

I am in my early 30s, and recently moved across the world, from Africa to England. It’s been a journey. I used to have a long distance relationship with someone here that lasted 7 years, but we broke up shortly before I moved. We’re still on excellent terms however. I have been somewhat isolated since my move, but I want to make an effort to change that. I am looking for a space to do so currently.

Onto the meat of the issue : I’ve been stuck in a rut in terms of love and libido for a while. I know I am somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum, I suspect Demisexual but it is very hard to pin down. My attraction is almost certainly pansexual, though strongly favoring femme presentation. I am pretty comfortable with myself too, in terms of how I feel about these things.

I’ve got a relatively high libido. But I really, really don’t like the physical act of sex. Thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. Technically, I am still a virgin, but I have had some low level sexual encounters, but they always without exception left me feeling horrible about myself. I have put a lot of thought into it and realized that if I do end up in a relationship, I am absolutely fine with an open one so that my partner can have their fun.

All that said, I still crave a sexually intimate connection with someone. What I have found to satisfy that desire for connection is Erotic Text Roleplay. That tends to satisfy me entirely and it’s really what I imagine would be part of my ideal relationship. I’ve had a tendency to go on site that provide that for a very brief fling type deal, but I also really want something more concrete and someone who I can be with, not just a singular fling.

The crux of all this is: how do I partner who is happy with that? It really feels very unlikely I would be find a partner who is ok with no physical intimacy, but ok with a “online” version of that. How would I explain to someone just how my oddball sexuality is?

Signed�A Sexual Oddity

DEAR A SEXUAL ODDITY: First of all ASO, you’re not that unusual. There’re a number of people in the asexual community who are sex-repulsed like you – they have a sex drive and desires (many of whom are demisexual like you) but the actual physical act squicks them out, and they prefer to find other means of release when necessary.

Secondly, your interests aren’t that uncommon either. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago that I had a letter from someone who was jealous of their partner having what seemed to be a sexting/role-play connection with their writing partner. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that there’re quite a few people out there who enjoy role play and sexting as the dominant means of sexual intimacy.

However, in order to find those people, I think the first thing you need is to stop talking yourself down about your sexuality. Labeling yourself as weird or abnormal or oddball sets a framework for thinking of yourself as being damaged or that your interests are shameful or somehow negative, when ultimately it’s just one of many ways that humans have been getting off since we discovered abstract representation. Hell, for a long time, sexting and text-based erotic role-play were the only ways of being sexual with others over the Internet, lo those long decades ago when GIFs were still images that took hours to download, online video was a laughable concept and Multi-User Dungeons were the closest thing people had to group chats.

In fact, I’d point out that this even has a certain amount of historical precedent. In 12th century France, Abelard and Heloise, star-crossed lovers if ever there were any, conducted their love affair through letters. They had to, in fact; Heloise ran off to a nunnery to escape her family, and Abelard was forcibly castrated by Heloise’s family after their initial affair was discovered. Both entered cloistered religious orders and had only their words to maintain and manage their love for one another.

So hey, your preferred means of sexual expression isn’t the most widely held, but it’s quite literally older than steam and almost as old as dirt. Talking it down like this, however, makes it a lot harder to find someone who either is interested already or who’d be open to giving it a try.

Because we’re social creatures, people as a general rule will often take our cues on how to react to something from others. If you roll these aspects of your sexuality out like a generational curse laid on you for raiding a witch’s garden, people are going to respond accordingly. Treating it like a shameful secret or something that must be apologized for is only going to turn people off or make them suspect that this is just the cover for something much worse.

On the other hand, if you just treat this as normal and just how you’re wired – or even something that makes you special and different – then people are much more likely to respond positively. Treat it as a value add – you and they have a more creative and unique connection while they also have the freedom to have the sorts of sex they may want or need. This can be especially helpful if you either get into another long-distance relationship, or start a relationship with someone who has to travel frequently for work, who ends up deployed overseas with the military or otherwise can’t be with you physically on the regular. Or you may find a companionate relationship, where a sexual connection simply isn’t a priority for you but companionship, shared space and a shared life and interests are.

And if you are still able to have forms of non-sexual physical intimacy, such as cuddling, massage, etc. – then you may find a balance that works for you and your potential partners.

Now that having been said: finding someone who is into this is going to be a challenge, simply because there are going to be fewer on the ground than if you were allosexual. It’s just a matter of pure demographics and numbers; most folks are going to want and prioritize a more standard-issue sexual connection. So you’re going to have to cast a fairly wide net to start with. Fortunately, because you prefer non-physical forms of sex, physical proximity isn’t going to be as much of an issue and you can expand your search radius farther than most.

However, it will likely require some compromises on your part, depending. You may, for example, find it easier to find someone who’s physically near you and into a companionate relationship, but have to look elsewhere for roleplay partners. Or you may have to accept primarily short-term ERP connections for a while, until you find someone who you click with enough to have a longer-term relationship.

Now normally I’m a big “minimize your reliance on dating apps” guy, especially these days. However, with your particular needs and interests, I think the Internet and dating apps in general are going to be your primary resource, here. If you get on the apps, I’d recommend one general purpose app – likely OKCupid, seeing as it’s the Golden Corral of the dating app world – and one that’s for more outré or non-normative relationship models like Feeld, as well as kink-focused sites like . In both cases, make it abundantly clear what you’re looking for: you’re looking for a text-based sexting partner, with an eye towards erotic roleplay, but that physical sex is off the table.

Yeah, this is going to severely narrow your potential prospects and you’re going to spend a not-inconsiderable amount of time without matches or messages. But trust me: it’s going to be better for you in general than having to deal with having to seek out the individual needles in the haystack of other matches that’re looking for a standard-issue sex partner.

Now, you may also have some luck looking in non-traditional, non-dating oriented spaces – including MMOs like World of Warcraft. A lot of online relationships started on MMOs, role-play MUDs and MUSHs back in ye olden days of the Internet, and many still exist. However, this carries the same caveat as going to MeetUps or classes to find partners: you don’t want to roll in asking if anyone wants to hot-chat, but to simply meet like-minded folks, make friends and see if something develops.

But again, this all is much easier if you treat your sexuality as just a fact about you, not something to apologize for in advance. After all, not only will you not be priming the more meat-and-potatoes folks to see it as just part of who you are, but it’s much easier to find like-minded folks if you aren’t implicitly suggesting that they should feel badly about an interest you both share.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a girlfriend whom I’m not sure if I’m in love with but I really like her. One of our mutual friends told her I am in love with her and she likes me but she is not ready for that commitment. Neither am I. I don’t know how to take this back because we’ve only been dating for a month. How do I talk to her about it or take the ‘I love you’ back?

– Very Confused and Anxious

DEAR VERY CONFUSED AND ANXIOUS: You need better friends. ��Honestly, VCA, I want to commend you for knowing how you feel and also recognizing that it’s too early for you to make any declarations of love. That’s some pretty solid self-awareness and emotional intelligence. At one month in, you don’t know each other well enough to say if this is love or just the rush and excitement of a new relationship. Even when you’re dealing with someone you’ve known for a while, there’s a difference between knowing them as a friend and knowing them in the context of a romantic relationship. So hey, good on you for being aware of this.

But here’s the thing: there’s nothing for you to take back here, VCA, because you didn’t say anything. Your friend – for whatever reason – took it upon themselves to say it in your name. You didn’t ask them to do this, and it sounds like you didn’t express that you were in love with your girlfriend to them.

Quite frankly, it sounds to me like your friend was out of line for doing so, inserting themselves in your relationship where they had no business being. I don’t know if they thought they were being helpful and trying to facilitate something, if they’re just a busybody or they’re a habitual line-stepper but this was not cool of them and you should say so.

But first, you’d better to clear things up with your girlfriend. I’d recommend that you get together with her (in person, preferably) and clear the air. Tell her “Hey, I understand $MUTUAL went and told you I said I was in love with you. I really like you, I love what we have right now and I could see myself getting there eventually, but I’m not there yet. I don’t know why $MUTUAL did that, but I think you and I are both on the same page about it being too soon for that… how are you feeling about this?”

Meanwhile, I’d also say it’s a good time to take your friend aside and read them the riot act. Whether they had good intentions or not, they didn’t have the right to act on your behalf like that or to get involved in your relationship the way they did – especially since it wasn’t true and had the potential of messing things up by giving your girlfriend the wrong idea.

If they want to keep being your friend, they need to back off and chill the f--k out and not be so “helpful” without your direct and specific request for their assistance. They definitely shouldn’t take it upon themselves to get involved without running it by you first, especially with a relationship as new as this one.

If they apologize, then they can also go to your girlfriend and apologize to her for sticking their nose in. If they don’t… well, that’s a problem, and it may be time to reconsider how much you want them in your life.

Because at the end of the day? This isn’t on you, this is on them, and if they’re going to go f--king around in other people’s relationships, then they no longer get the privilege of having access to you or your friendship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My apologies as I’m new here but I do need some advice. Recently I had a cyst near my vaginal area and had it drained and due to this I wasn’t able to have sexual intercourse for a short amount of time, as it was suggested by my OBGYN. During that time my boyfriend started watching porn, (he informed me) and I was ok at first as I wasn’t able to have sex at the time. During this stage our sexual relationship has decreased drastically.

When I first tried to have intercourse after my wait time was up, it’s like he didn’t want to as there was little to no effort to even try, but he was complaining prior that he wanted to.

Time passes by and we finally start having sex again but over and over again he is unable to ejaculate. I notice he closes the door to “use the bathroom” for a long period of time. And obviously I can tell it’s to watch porn. I can feel the relationship deteriorating.. what should I do..?

Feeling Left Out

DEAR FEELING LEFT OUT: I get a lot of letters from folks who worry about their partners’ porn habits and who want to draw a line between watching porn to changes in their sex lives, and… well, honestly, more often than not, the problem isn’t porn. A lot of times, it’s not even a symptom, so much as just being the most visible and obvious thing, and one that’s easy to latch onto as the cause.

But more often than not, the issues lie elsewhere, and it’s hard to say for sure without digging into the problem.

There’re a lot of possible causes here that could explain the changes in your sex life and your boyfriend’s behavior, and they may not all be entirely obvious.

Before we get into it, I want to be clear: none of this means that this is your “fault” or that you’re somehow to blame. A lot of these possibilities are more about his issues, not something that you’ve done wrong. So don’t take any of this as me assigning blame as much as just trying to run down potential causes or contributing factors.

One potential cause – something that comes up fairly often with new parents, in fact – is that some guys get squicked out about issues surrounding their partners vaginas or vulvas. A lot of men, for example, find it hard to be sexual with their partners for a period of time after witnessing them give birth. It doesn’t matter that hey, that’s all part of the mammalian-sex-having aspect of the human experience – in their minds, making the switch from “mostly used for mutual sexual pleasure” to “place my child came from” does a whammy on their heads and they find it hard to switch back.

This could well be an issue for him. Having a cyst – and the medical intervention required to treat it – could have messed with his mental image of your body and of sex with you and now he can’t quite make the image of having to drain the cyst out of his head.

Another possibility is that the timing of your having the cyst and having to abstain from sex was coincidental and unrelated. It’s possible that his feelings or sexual attraction to you have been changing and the period of abstinence from sex was an opportunity for him to not have to wrestle with it. Now that you’re back in action, he’s forced to deal with the lack of interest but without wanting to talk to you about it.

It could be that right now what he wants isn’t sex ­– that is, the holistic sexual experience of intimacy, arousal, foreplay, etc. – but just orgasm. Depending on how long you two had to avoid sexual contact, he may have decided that the simplicity of “wham, bam, thank you glans” is what he wants and he doesn’t think about how this affects you.

Or it may be that the kinds of sex you’re having wasn’t or isn’t the kind of sex he prefers, and the time off made that gulf much more evident.

Now, I’d have a lot of questions about what happened during that period of enforced abstinence and what’s going on now, especially regarding his behavior. Is sex the only change, or has the level of all forms of intimacy between you changed? Are you not having other forms of affectionate contact, other forms of intimacy and expression of love or connection with each other?

While you were having to take a break from sex, were you still cuddling, engaging in non-sexual forms of touch (like massage, hugging, curling up together on the couch, and so on)? Did you, or he, or both of you decide to pull back on physical intimacy so as to not create a situation where either he felt “lead on” with no “payoff”? Or perhaps you felt like any sort of physical intimacy would lead to his making a fuss about how he couldn’t get off and that made you (rather understandably) feel like s--t?

Knowing the answer to these could help provide insight and context to what’s been happening and why.

I’m also curious if you’ve talked with him about this and asked about where his head’s at. Has it come up at all? Has he avoided the topic all together, given you ambivalent answers or doesn’t seem to know why? Has he been acting like this is something that bothers him too? Has he been at all empathetic and understanding about how this is making you feel? What, if anything, has he done to try to change things?

The only person who can really know what’s up is your boyfriend and if he’s not telling… well, that’s an issue.

At the end of the day, this isn’t a sex issue so much as a communication issue; you’re feeling hurt and like you’re being abandoned and he’s feeling… however he’s feeling. If you two aren’t able to communicate things and work towards a mutually satisfactory resolution, that’s going to create more stress points and fractures in your relationship – even more than it’s creating now.

I think there are two things you should do right now. The first is to carve out time with your boyfriend and have an Awkward Conversation about this. Talk about how this is making you feel, about how this is affecting your feelings of connection and intimacy with your boyfriend and how, in an ideal situation, you could see this being fixed and why this would make things better. Then, after you’ve finished, let him have his turn to express how he’s been feeling and what’s been going on with him. If he has some idea of how things could be resolved or addressed, how does he see those happening and how would they change things for the better?

It’s entirely possible that he may not know, or he may not feel like he can be honest about it with you. If you two can’t make the Awkward Conversation work or it’s not helping the situation, it could be worth your time to see a sex-positive couple’s counselor. Having a third party to help mediate and facilitate the conversation can be helpful, especially if you or he can’t find the words to express how either of you are feeling. It may also be useful if you have separate sessions as well, if he feels like there’re things he can’t say to your face or with you in the room.

Getting to the bottom of the issue ­– especially from his perspective – is going to be important. Once you two can at least understand where the other is coming from, you can either work towards fixing this and repairing your connection… or you can decide if this relationship no longer meets your needs.

Hopefully this is going to be the former, and this will just be a speed-bump on an otherwise fulfilling and satisfying relationship. But if it’s something that you and he can’t (or won’t) fix? Then it’s better for the both of you to wind things down and move on to partners who are a better fit for your needs.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com