DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First time, long time, male, pansexual, 28 years old, single and dealing with a weird issue.

After graduating college and getting my masters, I moved from my small town to a big city and I’m basically out on my own for the first time in a while with no roommates or family. I had a late start when it came to dating but now I’m in my element and I’m having a great time. In fact, I want to just enjoy being single for a while and take advantage of having a player phase for a while until I’m ready to settle down. Thing is, I’m having problems with casual sex partners. I’m actually pretty good at finding people who want to have sex and the sex is good, but all of my casual relationships fall apart pretty fast.

The biggest issue is that I’ve had a couple casual partners develop feelings for me when I first started dating around and that got unpleasant for everyone. Now I’m trying to make sure that my hook-ups know the score, but it seems like things keep ending with hurt feelings and former hook ups who aren’t happy with me. Not “you ruined my life” unhappy or “how could you do this you monster” stuff but definitely chilly when we run into each other in what seems like the smallest big city in the world.

I’m not sure what’s happening other than I’m being really direct about what we have. I try to keep things casual when we’re together and I’ve been avoiding setting any sort of relationship frame with them, and a lot of times we’re kinda keeping things low key, even around my friends (my preference). I’m not always the one ending things but that doesn’t seem to matter considering how folks act.

Last thing I want is to get a rep in my circles and I don’t want any of my exes to s--t talk me to potential hook-ups in the future (I do a lot of what you’d call social circle game), so I’m not sure what’s going on or what I’m doing wrong. But it must be me since I’m the biggest common denominator in this, right?

How do I have better break ups and less angry exes?

Good Time Not A Long Time

DEAR GOOD TIME NOT A LONG TIME: I’m gonna be blunt here, GTNLT: the issue here is the word “casual”. Specifically, the way you’re throwing it around and the way you’re letting it define your behavior. You’re trying to be casual, but – to misquote John Scalzi – the fail mode of “casual” is “a--hole”.

This is something I see a lot – mostly, but not exclusively in men: they want regular sex with someone but without strings. Sometimes this comes across like a – and by all that’s holy I hate this term – “situationship”, where someone’s getting all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities and obligations. Other times, it’s just about getting down-and-dirty without the social trappings or non-bedroom related activities beyond ordering take-out before or afterwards.

But the thing that unites all of those people and all of those relationships is the ‘casual’ nature of it. Or, more specifically, the way that they let the “casual” label be an excuse to treat their partner casually.

Now, sometimes this is pure selfishness – they’re getting their itch scratched, so who cares about the other person? Other times, it can actually come from what they think is a good place. They want their partner to know that this is casual and (likely) short term and so they don’t want to take the chance that the other person may catch feelings for them.

Problem is, while you can influence how someone feels about you to a limited degree, more often than not, the feels these folks create tend to be… well, feelings of resentment and like they’ve been used. This is because the person trying to keep things “casual” keeps hammering home the “this is just f--king, we’re not dating, I’m not going to treat you like a boyfriend/girlfriend” – setting the relationship frame, as you put it. And they do so by being cold, dismissive or even rude, avoiding not just intimacy but in many cases, courtesy. Some – and it sounds like you’re one of them – even try to avoid letting folks know that they’re hooking up in the first place and may act like a stranger or like you and your current f--kbuddy haven’t seen each other naked when you’re around mutuals.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar, GTNLT. In trying to avoid that relationship frame and make sure everyone knows what’s up, you’re being really cold and dismissive to them by treating them like your dirty little secret. Especially if you’re pretending like you didn’t bang when you’re around folks you both know.

This may come from a place of good intentions but it sure as s--t doesn’t stay there. If anything the only way this could feel more alienating and insulting is if you’d wiped your dick on their shirt and tossed them a twenty for cab fare. Regardless of what you intend, you end up giving the message that they’re good enough to f--k (in secret) but not enough to date or even acknowledge that the two of you had a fling. It’s not as though you need to advertise everyone you’re banging, but acting like it never happened and you hadn’t been up in them tends to leave folks feeling about as worthwhile as a crusty sock.

You may not intend to make them feel like you wanted to use them as a mobile sex toy, but you sure as hell succeeded at it anyway.

Small wonder your lovers are all giving you the cold shoulder.

Here’s the thing. It’s good to be clear about where you stand and what you are and aren’t available for. It’s good to make sure that someone you’re f--king knows that this is just a sex thing and that you’re not looking for nor are you open to a relationship. But the way it seems you’re going about it is almost custom made to piss people off and leave you with a shrinking pool of potential partners and an expanding one of folks who’d really like to see if your scrotum will fit over your head.

The important word in “casual relationship” isn’t “casual”, it’s “relationship”. Even if, by mutual agreement and mutual lack of interest, all you’re doing is f--king and leaving, it’s still a relationship and it should be handled with courtesy and consideration. If someone’s good enough for you to f--k, then they’re good enough to be treated with respect and thoughtfulness. And it sounds like you haven’t been doing that.

If you’re serious about wanting regular sex with someone but without strings or expectations of a relationship, then that’s awesome, I’m all in favor of casual f--kbuddies. But the way you handle this – and deal with the “risk” of someone catching feels – is through communication. Being clear up front is part of it, but so is checking in with them, making sure they’re ok with things and otherwise treating them with respect. Treating them like a secret – especially when that’s not something you agreed upon – is the opposite of treating them with respect. Constantly reminding them that it’s not gonna be anything more than sex? Also not respectful. Being rude or cold or not acting with courtesy or concern for their feelings isn’t how you avoid them falling in love or wanting more, it’s how you convince folks you’re an a--hole.

None of that is asking a lot of you. If anything, that level of communication, decency and respect should come standard, whether that relationship is for a month, a week or a night. Not being a dick to them shouldn’t be that high of a bar to clear, my dude.

If you can respect their boundaries in bed, you can respect them and actually honor what the two of you have. If you two agree that you want to keep your hook-ups on the down low, then hey, great. But you should talk about that first and discuss how you’re going to handle being around people you both know. Making that decision for them in some misguided attempt to either avoid getting caught up in a relationship frame or to not damage your chances of hooking up with someone else you both know just makes you the a--hole here.

Now I’m going to be real with you: even if you actively don’t respect or even like your casual partners, there’s still an issue of self-preservation here. You don’t say how many people you’ve hooked up with, but I can tell you from personal experience: the more you act like this, the greater the odds that it’s going to bite you in the ass, messily and all over the place. I’ve seen it happen first hand – a guy I used to work with would do the “love ‘em and leave ‘em” s--t with women at his regular bar… right up until one of the women he banged and kicked out made it her life’s mission to roll up and warn off every woman he so much as made eye-contact with. She made his life so miserable (deservedly so, dude acted like a royal dick to his hook-ups) that he was functionally banned from the bar.

And that wasn’t the first time, or even the first bar he ever had to abandon.

You don’t want to be that guy. It certainly sounds like you’ve got better intentions than that. If that’s the case? Then it’s time to start living up to those intentions and acting in alignment with your values and your best self. You can have hot, horny, no-strings hook-ups and still treat your partners with respect and dignity. That’s not going to make them fall in love with you, but it will make them more fond of you if and when things end. And whether you and they become friends after the benefits run out or you never see each other again… that’s still a far better result for everyone.

Stop acting like a selfish dickface in the name of some ‘cruel to be kind’ action and start acting like someone who actually gives a damn about the people he sleeps with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Longtime reader, first time writer… I know this isn’t the type of question that you usually get, but I’m hoping you might be able to help me. I’m a mid-40’s cishet woman, happily married, and my question isn’t about dating, but about making friends.

About a month ago, I was in the grocery store, and ended up in a random conversation with a woman in the produce aisle, about garlic. We ended up in a long (for the grocery store) conversation (about 15 minutes or so). Turns out we’re from similar places, with similar foodways, and she seemed genuinely nice. She mentioned that she has no friends in the area, and she wanted to give me her contact info. So, I wrote down her email on the back of my grocery list. (She doesn’t do social media, aside from a site where she posts her art.)

Now, I’m notorious for getting into random conversations with people in places like grocery stores (not because I want to, but somehow it just seems to happen), but I don’t usually exchange info with them. But, because she really needed a friend and is in a crummy living situation (had to move in with her ex, to help take care of their kid), I felt a sort of moral obligation to be a friend to her. We ended up meeting for coffee about a week later, and it was really nice.

However… I can tell she’s the sort of person who might get a little too attached a little too quickly (and in this case, because she is so isolated and has no real friends in the area, I think she might be even more predisposed to latch on) I’ve been careful not to let her in too close, too fast. I haven’t given her my phone number, and have limited contact to email only.

I waited a few days before emailing her and saying, “Hey, that was fun, let’s meet up again,” and we went back and forth a couple of times over the span of about two weeks, regarding where to meet. (We’d met at Starbuck’s the first time, and she was really unhappy with the coffee, so I didn’t want to put her through that again.) She left that ball in my court, and so yesterday I emailed and suggested another local spot. We’re supposed to meet up tomorrow morning, so I figured 48 hours beforehand was a decent window to suggest a place.

I haven’t heard back from her yet, and I have kind of mixed feelings about it. Part of me genuinely likes her (I wouldn’t have suggested a second meetup if the first hadn’t gone well), but part of me also feels like this is a sort of obligation I’ve backed myself into. I know how hard it is to  make friends as an adult (and I know you’ve written about that more than once), so I saw a chance to help out someone who needed a friend. At the same time, I have a lot of friends myself, and really don’t need another one… it often feels like I can’t keep up with the ones I already have.

My plan as of now is to show up at the time we’d agreed upon, at the place I suggested. Worse to worse, there’s a place close by that I need to go to tomorrow, anyway, so it’s not like I’ll be going out of my way if she doesn’t show up. I’m not sure if I should email her again, to confirm plans?

I know that I wasn’t exactly Jenny-on-the-spot with my emails, so it’s not like we’d been going back and forth and all of a sudden she stopped replying. It could be that she sees my lack of prompt reply as license not to have to reply quickly? I’m not taking it personally…

And, honestly, if she ghosts me, I’m not going to be heartbroken. I’m more worried that she is going to be hurt by my not responding super quickly, or overly enthusiastically. Because I understand how difficult it is to make friends as an adult, I am feeling a little bit like I led her on, and now I’m obligated to keep this going.

I mean, this could end up being a cool friendship… or I could end up being the sole local friend of a lonely person who really needs social support, and honestly, that thought is just… exhausting.

I’m sorry there’s not a direct “what should I do?” type question here. I guess I’m just looking for some general guidance. I feel like, since I was the one who emailed her (when I could very well have just left the store and never seen her again; unless we bumped into each other again in the produce aisle…) that I’ve got a responsibility to keep it going. They say, “if you want a friend, be a friend,” but I don’t really know if I want a friend…

Sincerely,

Backed into a Friend Corner

DEAR BACKED INTO THE FRIEND CORNER: This is one of those times when doing “the right thing” isn’t cut and dried. In this case, that’s not because it’s varying degrees of suck, or because every option is complicated and potentially bad but because… well, it’s a question of what’s right for whom.

So right off the bat, you did a good thing – striking up a conversation with a stranger, offering an opportunity for connection for someone who clearly feels isolated and lost and desperately needing a friend. That’s very much a mark in the plus column for you. You should feel good about that.

But the fact that someone feels isolated and lost – for very understandable reasons – doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re obligated to be there for life. It sounds like this woman is in a rough place and, again, understandably, has a lot of emotional needs. And if you’re her only contact in town… well, you’re likely going to be the primary resource for her when it comes to getting those needs met.

Now I want to be clear here: having those needs isn’t bad, nor does being lonely. Neither, for that matter, would be getting a little over-excited and possibly clinging to the first connection she made. In some ways, it’s a bit like finding an oasis in the desert, so it’d be understandable if she were to be a little intense at first. But while that can be true, it can also be true that you can be empathetic, caring and wanting to help, but simply not have the mental and emotional resources to help someone in the way they need.

We toss the phrase “put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs” a lot, and often in circumstances that are more dire or more difficult than this, but I feel like it applies here, too. If you’re working with limited spoons and it seems like a friendship with this person might take more spoons than you have to spare, then continuing to be a friend to her may ultimately be good for her, but may harm you in the process.

So in this case, what may be good for her, may well end up being not great for you. What’s better for you may be less than what she might need. And that’s OK. There’s nothing inherently bad, wrong or even selfish for recognizing and acknowledging that you’re not able to meet those needs. There’s also nothing wrong with admitting that maybe this isn’t a friendship you want to pursue right now, either.

Here’s the thing: the fact that you started things off doesn’t mean you’re now obligated to be friends with them, any more than someone is obligated to be in a relationship with someone just because you went on a date or two. It’s entirely possible – and allowed – to have a good time with someone and still recognize that maybe you don’t want to take things any further.

Now the one place where I feel you could’ve done better was to wait a couple of days before writing to say “hey, that was fun!”. I’m generally of the opinion that it’s polite to send the “I had a good time” message either when you get home or the next day. I think letting it hang out there isn’t the coolest thing you can do; beyond it being a little impolite, it can also be anxiety-provoking in folks. Sending an email or text or what-have-you within 24 hours isn’t really that much of a demand of one’s time. And I do understand wanting to avoid giving someone giving needy or clingy vibes the opening to be clingy and thus send a subtle message… I just don’t think that’s the best way to handle it.

But honestly, that’s a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, and not really worth more than to say “you could do better, next time”. It’s possible she was stung by that, and it’s possible she wasn’t. If you were to write and say “hey, I’m sorry I left this hanging”, I think you’d make up for it.

So what now? I think for the sake of politeness and at least drawing a line under things, you should email to confirm plans (or to confirm they’re off). But otherwise? I think the fact that you’re kind of relieved over having not heard back says a lot about where your head’s at with this. She sounds like a nice person that you just don’t have the time or energy to handle, and that’s ok.

The issue of feeling obligated to see it through is kind of misleading; seeing it through doesn’t automatically mean that you’re now locked together like you’re The Defiant Ones. Seeing it through could just as easily “meet up one more time and see how it goes”, write back and say “hey, I’m incredibly low on time and ability to hang out these days” or even just to say “you seem nice, but I don’t know if I have the spoons for a new friendship”.

Now one thing that may help – assuming that she isn’t ghosting you – would be to do her a solid. You may be in a place where being her friend is exhausting, but maybe you could facilitate her meeting some folks who are up for a new cool coffee buddy. If there’re any meet-ups, mixers or events, especially ones oriented towards making friends or social connections, directing her towards those could not only help her be less isolated and find her community, but you’d also feel less guilty for (possibly) not wanting or being able to make this friendship work. That, I suspect, may well end up being the best of both worlds.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a polyamorous woman in her late thirties looking for more dating possibilities than I currently have. I would say that I have a lot going for me— I’m reasonably attractive for my age, I’d say just slightly above average without being a model or something, I have a good day job and a thriving side career in a creative field, and I would say that I am fun, easy to talk to, and take an interest in people.

In terms of my circumstances, I live in a fairly large city in a country where polyamory is tolerated, and I have a wide and varied social network and lots of hobbies. If there is anything that I would say has been wrong relationship-wise, it is that I realized during the pandemic that I had been settling for less in relationships. I left a marriage that had been dying a slow death and a betrayal was involved, and just prior to the pandemic, I had also left another toxic partner.

I’m pleased to report that I found a new nesting partner who is very compatible with me, and met another wonderful casual partner through him, and I can pretty much get casual sex with other people anytime I feel like it. While I’m very satisfied with my life and the people in it, I’ve wanted to date more since leaving my marriage, and it never seems to work out.

I’m out about being polyamorous, but don’t typically meet a lot of other polyamorous people in the wild. My city doesn’t have any good meetups, despite doing good numbers on the apps, and I don’t talk about it too loudly outside of my existing friend circles because I don’t want to be branded creepy or be accused of hitting on people who don’t want polyamory, just for mentioning it. Honestly, I’d prefer to meet someone in person, but making that happen just feels hard, for the above reasons and many others.

I’m also on the apps, and that’s where the real challenge comes in. My new partners and my personal growth journey have caused me to raise my standards significantly, and I’m having trouble calibrating my new standards when evaluating candidates on dating apps. I’m deliberately being gender neutral here because I’m bi, but just due to statistical realities the majority of the people I interact with are men or AMAB.

Anyway, I have a hard time getting a read on people from dating profiles as it is, but just… the vast majority of what’s available on the apps doesn’t appeal to me. I find myself being a lot pickier about looks than if I met someone in person because that’s all I have to go on, and the majority of folks I end up talking to lay on too many compliments or get too sexual too fast in a way that puts me off and I just stop responding. The very small remainder of folks that I talk to for more than a couple of messages usually end up in one of two camps— we have a major incompatibility somewhere or they’re only offering something very casual, which is fine, but I’m looking for someone to have a closer relationship with. I’ve had about three first dates in the last year and a half, and only one person even got to a second before striking out.

I’m just a bit sad about all this because I see people in my extended network making fun connections, even spontaneous ones. My nesting partner especially is having a grand time, and I’m genuinely happy for him but want that for me too. Just, I can’t seem to figure out how to strike that balance between holding up my new standards and giving people a chance. Even casual encounters seem like calculus or a lengthy job interview in my brain.

Any insight you can provide would be so helpful.

Sincerely,

Bucking The Stereotype

DEAR BREAKING THE STEREOTYPE: I’ll be honest here, BTS, I’m actually a little surprised your nesting partner is having an easier time finding dates and potential matches than you are. One of the most common complaints from hetero non-monogamous couples – to the point of almost being a cliché – is that the male partner tends to have a harder time finding people, while the female partner ends up with more dates and offers than she can handle.

But life is nothing if not a panoply of variety and unexpected results, so hey, good for him! But also, let’s put a pin in this for a second, because we will be coming back to it.

There are a few things at play here that are likely causing issues for you. The first is, simply, that dating is a numbers game at heart. This is especially true for women who date men; they are frequently going to find far more guys who are looking for no-strings hook-ups or a casual relationship, rather than something serious. This has little to do with the dynamics of polyamory or non-monogamy and everything to do with how guys are socialized; it’s part and parcel of the whole “you’re judged by how much sex you get and how easily you get it” aspect of restrictive and toxic norms that surround ideas of masculinity. So it’s not that surprising that you’re running into guys who aren’t interested in the same sort of committed relationship you are. That would be happening whether you were poly or not. Part of dating – especially when using the apps – is about making sure that you’re balancing “meeting people” with “not wasting too much of time time”.

Now some of this is self-inflicted. In some ways, you’re handicapping yourself, especially by being on the down-low about being polyamorous.

You mention that you’re worried about being branded as being creepy or that people will think you’re hitting on them when you’re not. I’m curious: is this something that’s actually happening? Or is this something you’re just worried about and preemptively trying to avoid? Because if it’s the latter… well, honestly, this would end up being a case of reacting to an imaginary person in an imaginary scenario, rather than something that actually occurred. It’s important to keep the difference in mind because, frankly, I’ve run into far too many people who blame their dating woes on the person in their head they made up to get mad at, rather than things that they’ve actually experienced.

To be fair, it is understandable why you feel like you need to keep that quiet – God knows that there’re folks who get really goddamn weird about anything that isn’t traditional hetero monogamy. However, by that same token, it’s pretty hard for folks to know you’re open to dating, even though you’re partnered, if they don’t know that you’re in an open relationship in the first place. It’s possible that there’re folks you’ve met who might be open to dating you, but think that you’re off the market because, hey, you’re living with your partner.

So one of the first things that would make this easier would be to be more open about being in a non-monogamous relationship.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to act like some obnoxious stereotype who finds ways to wedge polyamory or ethical non-monogamy into every conversation with every person they meet. Instead, you want to treat it casually, the way you would talk about your relationship with your nesting partner if you were monogamous.

What I mean is: consider how people generally reveal that they have a committed partner or spouse. Most of the time, it’s not something that gets wedged into the conversation, but something that came up organically. Usually it’s something as simple as “oh, my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/$LABEL loved that restaurant” or “I was just asking my partner about that the other day…” These moments – ones we often don’t consciously think about – convey not just information about that specific subject, but also that they’re in a particular kind of relationship. It doesn’t feel forced or like you’re trying to drive a point home (er… usually), so much as just being a random relevant data point about you.

Being similarly casual about your being open can be as organic and unobtrusive, without making it seem like you’re either sleazing around or trying to hit on folks.

I assume that there are times when you casually mention that you have a partner and that you live together, because it’s relevant to the conversation. Mentioning another partner or that your partner’s girlfriend/boyfriend/enbiefriend in the same casual way is hardly going to lead to accusations of hitting on strangers or whatever.

If it hits at all, it’s more likely to lead to questions of “wait, I thought you had a boyfriend/partner/whatever”, which can then be answered with a simple “oh, we’re poly/open/non-monogamous” and left at that. Someone who wants to know more can inquire, other folks will likely just shrug and move on, knowing one more data point about you than they did before.

But that one data point is a crucial one for someone who thinks you’re fine as hell and precisely their type. It will also be crucial for folks who are into you but aren’t poly; this is information that will let them self-select out of your potential dating pool.

It’s also worth noting that there are more folks out there who don’t identify as poly or ethically non-monogamous, but who can rock with it if given the chance. So someone may not be part of the poly community or even have given it much thought, but they may well be open to being, well… open. Those are folks who may not even realize it’s an option for them, until they meet someone like you.

Now, the apps are another story. Considering the circumstances, the apps might seem like an obvious solution to your problem. Thing is: as you’re discovering, they’re difficult in their own right, just in different and frustrating ways.

Part of this is simply the nature of dating apps in 2023 and a rant for another time. But part of it is about making sure you’re finding the right people, and that the right people are finding you.

One thing to consider is which apps you’re currently using. Tinder and OKCupid may be the 500 lb gorilla of the dating app world, but they’re often a bad place for ENM/poly people to find potential serious relationships. You may do better on an app like Feeld or #Open, both of which cater more towards alternative relationship models, and where you’re more likely to find other poly people looking to date, rather than just hook up.

Another thing is to consider that apps, especially apps that focus on swipe mechanics, do make it hard to accurately judge your interest in a person. You’re right that, in many cases, all you have to go on are their photos, and God knows that a lot of straight dudes are just bad at taking appealing photos. But some people’s appeal will never come across in pictures; they’re meant to be seen in action, not in stillness. Similarly, they may have decent pictures, but their profiles may not convey their non-physical qualities in the best possible light. And then there’s the fact that because so much of what signals both attractiveness and compatibility are non-verbal, there are going to be plenty of folks who might be amazing matches in person but who don’t come off that way in text.

So with regards to the apps: start with examining which apps you’re currently using and whether those are going to be aligned with what you’re looking for. Many of them – especially ones that are more geared to serial monogamists or hook-ups – have the wrong customer base for your needs. Making sure you’re in the right place will always improve your overall experience, even if you’re dealing with a smaller pool of potentials.

You also want to be very clear in your profile about what you’re looking for in your profile – you’re looking for dating, not casual encounters. You don’t need a “if you’re just looking for a hook-up, swipe right” or whatever, but saying “I’m looking for a serious, potentially committed relationship” is going to be an important signal for anyone who comes across your profile. Think of it as the first filter in a series of filters to- help winnow out both the well-meaning but ill-suited matches and the time-wasters. The former will self-select out of the pool and the later will be that much more easily identifiable, and you can delete them without having to think about it.

But of those that remain? This is where you may need to consider changing how you approach online dating. The biggest change will be moving the conversation off the apps, and ideally to in person, as soon as is feasible.

Now I’m an avowed advocate of the 15-minute pre-date, where you meet up briefly (no more than 15 – 20 minutes) to decide if you two have chemistry in person and if you’re going to go on a proper date in the near future. But this is easy for me – a cis, hetero white guy – to suggest; the dynamics are going to be different for me than they might be for you. If that’s not something that is feasible for you or that you would feel safe doing, you may, at the very least, want to do some video or Facetime calls to get more of a vibe check from them and see if there’s enough there to make that meet-in-person meet up worth your time.

At the very least, it’ll help you square the issue of your standards vs. how they come off in their profile. A lot of people who may be edge cases may prove to be your type when you see them in motion.

A third option is to forgo the apps and to focus on poly-friendly meet-ups and events. It’s entirely possible that there is a larger pool of poly and ENM folks than people realize… but who may not be aware that there are other ENM folks all around them. I realize that there seem to be few or no poly events or groups in your area, but that can mean that you may well be the person to fill that lack. Starting a monthly or bi-monthly cocktail hour at a local bar, a poly karaoke group, a pickleball league, something, may help put you in the middle of a network of poly, open and poly-curious folks and thus increasing the number of potentials in your dating pool.

It can be a lot of work, and God knows that a lot of poly communities are so intertwined that it can feel like dating one person from it is equivalent to being in a relationship with all of them, but it will help make you part of a network that can then lead to the right people. Plus, as a bonus it can also give you something to invite people to, so you can check them out in person without necessarily having to go on a first date to nowhere in particular. This can be especially helpful with folks from the apps who seem to have potential, but who you aren’t quite ready to see one-on-one, yet.

A fourth and unorthodox area to look into if you’re wanting to have better results would be your nesting partner. Right now, he’s having a grand ol’ time… which means he may well be an overlooked resource for you, if only because he may be doing something you’re not – yet, anyway.

You might want to take a look at how he’s conducting his affairs (metaphorically and literally) and meeting folks. There may well be some things that he’s doing that you can then adapt for your own use, so that they synch with your personality and general approach to dating. If he’s meeting folks in person, then getting a little more insight into how he’s sorting out who’s open to being open, where he’s meeting them and so on may help you shift how you are meeting people.

Another possibility is that, if he’s meeting poly people, the odds are good that they know other poly or poly compatible folks. You don’t need to be dating together or only date established couples, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to ask if he can ask about who else his dates may know who might be your type. You might even find some use in arranging a group date or an introduction to some of the folks they might know. And while those folks may not be your next potential partner, they may know someone who is.

Now, notice very carefully over the course of this response that I don’t mention changing your standards. Part of this is because I don’t know what your standards are, but also because… well, everyone gets to decide what their standards are and how flexible they are. That also comes with the trade-off: the higher and more inflexible your standards, the smaller the dating pool you’ll have by definition.

A smaller dating pool isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. A larger pool certainly has its advantages. More people can mean greater opportunities for meeting folks you might not have clocked as a potential match under other circumstances. Online dating is a prime example of how you can miss folks you’d get on with if you met them elsewhere. But it also means that you’re going to be going through more bad matches and false positives than if you’re dealing with a smaller, but more curated list of options.

As I said, part of dating is balancing meeting people and not wasting your time. You don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey, and vice versa. If you’re winnowing you dating pool down to only folks you can rock with… well, you may not be meeting as many people as someone with lower standards, but at least you know that the ones you do meet are worth your time. But when those options seem to be thin on the ground, that trade-off may be more frustrating than you’re willing to live with.

It’s in those moments that you have a choice to make. You have to decide whether those standards are worth not dating as often as you might prefer, or if you’d rather give more people a chance and be open to a greater chance for serendipity

And, quite honestly, this is an area where there really is no right or wrong answer. It’s about what works for you. If you know that your standards are your standards because those are the things you must have and you’re ok with holding out for them, then hey, you’re doing what’s right for you. If not? Well, it may be worth relaxing them for a little while and seeing how things go. Nobody says that if you change your standards one way or the other that you can’t change them right back. Changing them isn’t an admission of weakness or of being wrong, it’s just a question of what tradeoffs you’re willing to accept and what ultimately meets your needs in the most effective and efficient way possible. Sometimes changing your standards for a bit will just confirm that they were correct after all.

That having been said: it can be helpful to ask just why you (the general “you”, not you specifically, BTS) set your standards where you have. It’s good for everyone to work towards self-awareness and to try to determine whether their standards a matter of actual need, general preference, or a reaction to past experiences. Some folks may, for example, knee-jerk hard away from people who remind them of their exes, even if their exes are otherwise lovely people. Other times it can be a matter of trying to prove something – to themselves or to others – rather than saying “this is the level I need my partners to be on in order to date”.

The last thing I will say is that if this seems like a lot of effort… it can be. Dating when you’re poly is dating squared or even cubed; you’re increasing the complexity of the equation by quite a bit because you’ve increased the number of variables you have to account for. And that’s before dealing with the fact that there’re just not as many poly or poly-compatible folks out there. There’re almost certainly many who aren’t aware that they’re poly-compatible… but finding them is part of that equation.

But this is also a matter where a heavier early investment frequently pays off down the line by making sorting through the results easier. That initial set-up is like building infrastructure. Once that’s in place, the rest goes much more smoothly and efficiently than it would without that infrastructure being in place. So, as with so many things, it’s a question of trade-offs.

And hey, it could well be that you don’t necessarily need all that infrastructure. You may well find that making a couple minor changes serve to fix any bottleneck issues you’re running into.

But like I always say: nobody said it’d be easy, just that it’d be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com