DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thought you might like a comic-book style crossover of two of the greatest hits:��My partner wants to by poly vs I’m a hideous beast.

The synthesis of these things creates a new, mutant chimera intent on destroying my well-being. I’m totally fine with the idea of my partner seeing other people. I like to see them happy, and they thrive in that “new relationship energy” state. They have my blessing. I’m not a jealous person, and I’ve never believed another human has the right to demand exclusive ownership of another. 

We haven’t slept together in months, or possibly years, and I think they need novelty. That’s fine, I’m happy with them in every other regard. We’re kind of at an impasse about how to be intimate outside of that NRE phase though. 

While I understand that there’s no obligation for me to also be poly, I am curious. But it raises the question: could I do it even if I wanted to, or would I just be some kind of “Polycel” (my apologies to that brand of plaster products)? I don’t really feel like a sexual being anymore after going so long without, just let me play guitar and read about Bigfoot. Seeing an attractive person is like seeing a sick monster truck. Cool, and kudos to them, but not part of the world I belong to and they can probably do better jumps over buses than me. I sucked at dating and like relationships because I don’t have to be an anxious wreck second guessing mysterious codes and signals anymore just to get a text saying “you failed at being attractive!”. I can be around attractive people when there are no stakes because I don’t need to stare at the floor incase my presence offends them. The idea of putting my entire self-worth on a platter again just so it can be dashed on the ground isn’t one I relish. Also, I’ve always been a shovel-faced, slope-shouldered, near-sighted homunculus (hence my affinity with cryptids) but at least I was thinner and had less grey last time I let myself be perceived a few years back – thank the lord for hoodies and baseball caps.

I understand this is maybe a problem in my head, but its really bothering me. I’m still amazed one person finds me attractive, the odds of another person thinking that seem infinitesimal and I don’t want to raise that psychological spectre again, even if I chose to stay mono.

Tale as old as time, that dude looks like slime,

Maybe-Poly Beast

DEAR MAYBE-POLY BEAST: realize I’m Captain “Monogamy Isn’t Our Default State”, MPB, which is why I’m finding it highly ironic that I’m in a position to suggest that maybe polyamory isn’t the right move, here. In fact, if I’m understanding your letter correctly, the issue isn’t really about polyamory so much as your relationship and your self-esteem. That’s… gonna matter a lot more than whether or not you all open things up.

First, let me give my standard disclaimer on ethical non-monogamy: it’s not for everyone, it’s totally cool if it’s not your thing, you and your partner can decide how it’s going to work so it doesn’t need to be perfectly equitable and successful polyamory isn’t “everyone gets a harem”. Being in a polyamorous relationship is dating squared, and it takes some pretty significant communication and time management skills in order to make sure nobody feels like they’re getting short-changed in their relationships. There’s a reason why poly folks joke that the most important person in their relationship is the shared Google calendar.

Jokes aside though, the balancing time with partners and making sure everyone feels that they’re getting what they need can be a serious issue. This is especially true in hetero poly relationships where women tend to have an easier time finding potential partners than men do. When you combine that imbalance with the way New Relationship Energy can seem to eat up people’s brains (and time), polyamory can end up either opening or worsening issues within a relationship.

This is also why it’s vital that you and your partner be able to have very open, very honest conversations about your needs without either party feeling buffaloed or unheard. Without clear and effective communication, poly relationships end up being even messier than mono ones since the AOE of a poly relationship blowing up tends to be a lot higher and occasionally has repercussions down the great chain of banging.

As per usual, I will recommend that you do a lot of your due diligence and read up on polyamory before you take your first steps if that’s the way you go. I will, also as per usual, recommend that you check out Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, Dr. Liz Powell’s Building Open Relationships and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardey’s The Ethical Slut.

(Full disclosure: Dr. Powell is a friend of mine and they’ve guest-written for me before.)

Now that having been said: I have concerns. Starting with the fact that your relationship has been sexless for potentially years. If you’re actually ok with that, that’s one thing. But it sounds more like you’ve accepted it more than “are ok with it”. The overall tone sounds more like “I’ve learned to live without because I don’t think I can reasonably expect it”, which is not a great place for a relationship’s longevity under the best of circumstances. But if you and your partner don’t have other forms of intimacy that you both find as nourishing and important as sexual intimacy… well, I worry that opening up this relationship will turn out to be the first step in ending it in disguise.

And this is where the self-esteem issue comes in. Regardless of whether this is going to be a true poly relationship or poly is going to be the final stage before it becomes a mono relationship with someone else, your self-image and self-esteem are going to be coming to the forefront real damn fast.

In fact, if I’m being honest, I kind of wonder if that’s not part of the issue your partner has. It’s very hard to be in a relationship with someone who feels like they don’t “deserve” to be in it with you. Even if you aren’t being asked to continually prop up or fix their sense of desirability or self-worth, when someone’s constantly down on themselves, it can be draining. You can only hear “you could do better” so many times before you start thinking “… and maybe I should.” And God knows that “It’s ok if you don’t want to fuck me; I wouldn’t want to fuck me either” isn’t exactly what someone wants to hear from their lover. There’s a reason why Eeyore isn’t the sex symbol of the Thousand Acre Wood.

(Everyone knows that’s Owl. Dude’s got big “daddy” energy, come on.)

And of course, when you’re talking yourself down like this, it becomes very difficult to trust your judgement – both of yourself and of your potential. I’ve had too many times when someone insisted that they were the unholy spawn of Quasimodo and Joseph Merrick, who was then given to the Toxic Avenger to raise, who then turned out to be average at worst.

And to be clear: it doesn’t matter if you’re being hyperbolic for comedic effect. There’re only so many times you can make little jokey-jokes about yourself being too fugly to love before they quit being jokes and starts becoming a form of psychic self-harm. There’s a difference between wearing someone else’s label proudly because you know down to your cells that it’s bulls--t and you’re mocking them by adopting it vs. “I’m going to get out in front of the bullying by bullying myself first.”

So maybe before you all open up the relationship, you should put some time and energy into actually feeling better about yourself, rather than worrying about the dynamics of being one leg in a poly V. That means starting with cutting out the “worrying my mere presence offends the hot” and actually treating yourself like you matter, rather than trying to hide behind hoodies and hats. Because that, I promise you, is the bigger issue, not the stress of trying to read “incomprehensible signals”. Especially since I can guarantee that many of those signals were being routed through your “I’m a neanderthal who doesn’t belong around sexy homosapes” filter first.

You need to be your first and biggest fan, and that means treating yourself like you should be treated, and by someone who cares. Dressing well – having a solid sense of style, understanding what looks work on you, wearing clothes that fit and actually support your body instead of trying to hide in them will be a big start. Clothes really do make the man; enclothed cognition is a thing, and dressing well sends a signal, both to the world and to yourself that you deserve to be treated well.

This, incidentally includes things like grooming and posture. The whole “slope-shouldered, grey haired homunculus” thing is a big part of it. Your brain takes its lead from your body. Standing up straight with your shoulders back (in a relaxed posture, not like you’re at parade rest) conveys confidence and self-assuredness, both to the world and yourself. Standing up straight, making sure your grooming is on point, get some nice glasses or even looking into things like LASIK for your nearsightedness all convey signals to yourself that you deserve nice things, in part because you have those nice things. Does that make logical sense? Fuck no, but nobody said feelings were logical.

Now, I suggest starting with the outward signs of confidence and self-worth because sometimes that’s what you need to jumpstart the engine. Other times, taking that step of “I matter, I deserve good things” is how you break that initial barrier of resistance so that you can then go on to talk to a counselor or therapist in order to deal with what sounds like some deep-seated emotional pain. So dressing like someone who gets sex like widowers get casseroles is a starting point, not the end.

Once you actually start acting like you’re someone who other people would be lucky to be in a relationship with, it becomes a lot easier to actually maintain the relationship you have. After all, you’re going to be motivated to work on something when you feel like it’s something you deserve rather than waiting around for the other shoe to drop because you knew they’d wise up eventually.

While you’re doing that, I would also suggest talking with a couple’s counselor about both the sexlessness in your relationship with your partner and the fact that you two don’t know how to be intimate without the NRE. That’s another one of those areas that has me concerned, because even relationships where you’re burning up the sheets need non-sexual intimacy and connection too. Now maybe that’s just how you or your partner are wired, like Bizarro demisexuals. Or maybe this relationship has lasted in part because… well, because you figure you can’t do better and this is the best you could do. And let me tell you, as someone who’s been there, done that and still has the emotional scars… that’s not a fun place to be.

And trust me: it ain’t fun being on the other end of that too.

So before you start looking at polyamory as the solution to your relationship, consider working on the relationships first – with your partner as well as yourself. Otherwise you’re running the very serious risk that all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to be getting a front-row seat while your partner auditions reasons why you’re breaking up a year from now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have problems making social connections of any kind, whether platonic, romantic, or sexual. This manifests itself in different ways, I’m rarely, if ever, able to initiate conversation, I rarely, if ever, share anything about myself, and I don’t ever reach out to people. This makes any relationship I have not very good, obviously, and mostly superficial. And as for the possibility of me dating like this, ha ha, good one.

This has made me feel really sad, and affects me in other areas. I feel incredibly lonely constantly. I’m feeling symptoms of depression and anxiety from this.

I really want to reach out and ask for help, or at least to lend an ear, from people I consider friends. I have a therapist and am currently looking to find a good therapy group, which is something I probably should keep doing, but I don’t think that should be my only source of help. For one, my therapist is only going to hear my side of what’s happening, I can only talk for one hour a week with him, and he can’t really give me much insight as to how I come across in those specific social situations since he isn’t at them. I wish to reach out for support, but there are plenty of concerns I have about this. For one, while the people I’d reach out are those I’d consider friends, I’m not sure how close they’d consider me.

Furthermore, since they’re at least somewhat involved, I’m not sure how they’d react. Like, I can think of a reaction like “What, you don’t think you’re included? I thought we were friends.”

So, should I even reach out for help? If so, how?

Without A Little Help From My Friends

DEAR WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS: Let’s flip this for a second, WALHFMF: how would you feel if someone you cared about – a friend, a family member, someone – was suffering and desperately wanted help and a connection… and they were afraid to say anything to you for fear of… well, anything?

Odds are good that you’d be split between “why didn’t you come to me with this sooner?” and “What did I do that made you think I wouldn’t want to help you?” You might even feel upset that someone you cared about felt like they couldn’t come to you for help and that they’d been suffering in silence all this time.

And why wouldn’t you feel that way? These are people who you have invited into your life, given them a place of prominence and connection and have bonded with. Being friends means being a source of support and caring when things get rough, not just someone who’s only around for the good times or when things are easy. Finding out that someone wanted to reach out but felt like they couldn’t would likely feel like a weird combination of empathy and feeling insulted.

You’re dealing with a classic Hedgehog’s Dilemma; the hedgehog wants to be closer to its family and friends to share heat when the winter’s cold, but worries that getting close means stabbing each other with their quills. You’re in a place where you’ve cut yourself off from connection and intimacy with others, almost assuredly as a form of self-protection against pain and rejection. But the problem is that you’re still hurting and desperately lonely. So that sort of self-protection just ends up being counterproductive; it not only doesn’t spare you from the pain, but it exposes you to different and even worse pain. Loneliness and isolation is a literal killer, and far more harmful than rejection.

So, yes, you absolutely should reach out to your friends. They want a connection with you. If they care about you, they want to hear when you’re troubled and they’re going to want to help.

I understand the worries you have. Part of what you’re worried about is the possibility of making things worse by reaching out – by dumping all your trauma on them, by over-sharing or by insulting them for not saying so earlier.

Hedgehogs ultimately solve this dilemma by finding the distance that’s a compromise between sharing warmth without being so close that they hurt one another. The way humans solve the hedgehog’s dilemma is through boundaries and understanding that not everyone has the same level of intimacy or access. Think of it like user permissions on a computer. Some folks only get access to certain apps. Some get access to all apps, but none of the system settings. Some people get access to some settings, but not all, and a select few – people who’ve earned it – get admin privileges.

Right now, the only person who gets access to any of the system settings is your therapist. As you’ve said: that’s pretty limiting, for a number of reasons. Your friends, on the other hand, only get access to certain apps. That needs to change; you can and should open up a bit more to them.

So what I would suggest here is that you start off with a small number of the people you feel that you can trust the most – the people whose actions say that they’re empathetic and supportive. Open up to them. Start by asking if you can be real with them for a second and that you’re dealing with this loneliness and anxiety and you could use some support. You don’t want to give them the same level of access your therapist currently has – you don’t need to dump your every problem and feeling on them – but you can definitely start by talking about what you’re feeling and what you need, at least in the near-term.

It can help to be specific in what you ask for – what kind of help would you like and what would it look like? Start with a relatively low level version of this – wanting to spend more time, wanting their honest opinion or help with your behavior in social situations, etc. Starting with a low-investment, low-stakes ask may be easier for you, since it won’t feel like you’re making a huge imposition on someone or putting too much stress on a relationship that isn’t built for that level of intimacy. It will, however, help you get into the habit of actually opening up to your friends and offering more than just a surface-level connection. Intimacy and connection require vulnerability and vulnerability can be scary. Taking steps to build that emotional muscle can help you get to a place where you feel like your friendship is strong enough to bear it and that you’re strong enough to ask for that help.

It’s also important to recognize that connecting and being closer with someone isn’t just going to be about being vulnerable about the bad s--t. Sometimes being close with people means also sharing the good things and the stuff you’re excited about. You want to share the celebrations as well as the dirges. Trust me: folks want to hear about the good news, the excitement and to join you in celebrating when good things happen.

At the same time, be sure to offer your help and support too, when it’s needed. Friendships are a two-way street, and ideally you want to keep the what you give/ what you get ratio roughly even. Yes, what you’re capable of offering may not be much at first, but even just saying “what can I do to help?” or “what can I do that would be helpful?” can a huge step, and one that’s significant to them.

I know all of this can be incredibly intimidating and this is the sort of situation that makes the anxiety weasels in your head bounce around like they’re on a meth binge with paint stripper on their nipples. But you’ve already taken equally difficult and important steps that are just as anxiety-provoking. You’ve demonstrated you’ve got the strength to do this. Grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through that initial burst of anxiety; you’ll be much happier when you break through to the other side.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long-time reader of your column and have found your advice helpful and enlightening in the past. I’m writing to you today because I’m not sure if I actually have something to be worried about or if I’m just making trouble for myself.

I met my new partner, let’s call him ‘A’, about two months ago, and things have progressed very quickly between us. A LOT quicker than most of my relationships – not that I have had many for comparison, if I’m being honest. A is charming, attentive, and overwhelmingly affectionate, which initially was really exciting and felt great. He showers me with compliments, often expressing his deep love for me, and insists that we spend almost all of our free time together. In fact, just within the first few weeks of knowing each other, he began talking about our future together, including moving in, marriage, and even having children.

While part of me is thrilled to be in such an intense relationship, another part is starting to feel overwhelmed and, if I’m honest, a little anxious. His rapid declarations of love and his urgency to progress our relationship feels like too much, too soon. I have tried discussing these feelings with A, suggesting that we might need to slow things down a bit, but he seems to take this as a personal rejection, growing upset and asking if I don’t love him as much as he loves me.

I have also noticed that whenever we are not together, he floods me with text messages and calls, sometimes becoming upset or anxious if I don’t respond right away. He often needs constant reassurance of my feelings for him and gets jealous easily. A has even begun to express dissatisfaction when I spend time with friends or family without him.

My friends are incredibly suspicious. They’re telling me that this is ‘love-bombing’ and it feels like an accurate description of A’s behavior. But I’m also conflicted, because none of my previous exes showered with love and attention like this, and I’m already anxious enough about being taken advantage of. So I really don’t know if this is me making problems for myself or if I should be worried.

I would really appreciate your perspective on this, Doctor. Is this love-bombing? How can I handle this situation without hurting A or damaging our relationship? Should I be worried about this behavior escalating?

Can I Trust My Instincts?

DEAR CAN I TRUST MY INSTINCTS: So this is an interesting letter, CITMI, because it’s basically two different questions at once. There’s the obvious aspect of “is this dude’s behavior a warning sign”, which we’ll get to in a second.

But there’s also the underlying question: when do you trust your Spidey-sense and when is your Spidey-sense just anxiety f--king with you?

This part is important, precisely because red flags and unfamiliar situations can seem very similar. It’s very easy to talk yourself into bailing on a good thing because you’re unused to being treated a certain way, for example, especially if you have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. It’s a little like when people complain they keep getting involved with partners who treat them badly; sometimes it comes down to “this is what you’re used to” or “this is the relationship your parents modeled for you”, and the idea of someone actually being receptive and responsive to your needs or actually giving you time and attention can feel unusual or uncomfortable.

Other times, it could be that you’re used to having your needs be ignored or never have them met and so instead you try to pretend you don’t have them and instead focus on trying to please someone else – with the unspoken belief that if you just give enough, you might actually “earn” their love and attention.

As a general rule, I’m team “trust your instincts”, but that requires your instincts are actually trustworthy in the first place. If, for example, you have a history of falling for people who ultimately turn out to be bad for you or actively toxic, then your instincts in those situations may not actually be trustworthy.

This requires a certain amount of self-awareness and trying to be as objective as possible about your own choices, so this can be difficult. Having friends that you can trust to be honest with you and who generally have good judgement can be helpful here. But at the end of the day, it comes down to how fine-tuned your Spidey-sense is and how often it works for you, instead of against you.

Now with that having been said: oh f--k yes, this dude sounds like trouble with a capital RUN THE HELL AWAY. I think your Spidey-sense isn’t tingling so much as screaming at you that something’s not right here.

I’ll be blunt here: love-bombing is one of those terms, like “narcissist”, “gaslighting” and others that caught on with a lot of TikTokers, Tumblr kids and other social media communities and gets misused constantly. Love-bombing describes very specific forms of behavior, and the way it gets misused and misapplied makes me grind my teeth to powder. Excitement, overly-enthusiastic behavior or even “being a little more considerate than the norm” all get called out as “love-bombing” and manipulation when they demonstrably aren’t. Watering down terms that have distinct meanings – especially in mental health – is the sort of thing that ends up making it that much harder to recognize actual red flags.

Love-bombing is frequently done deliberately as a way of overwhelming someone’s best judgement. A lot of cults or communities will use love-bombing to create an early sense of both connection and dependency in their potential victims. So do abusers and predators, for that matter. Someone who’s deeply insecure, on the other hand, or who has poor emotional intelligence can perform actions that’re similar to love-bombing but are rarely consciously thought out; it’s more akin to having really piss-poor judgement and pushing for a connection that isn’t there because they’re afraid of losing someone and have no faith in their own value.

But here’s the important thing: in your case, this is very much a distinction without a difference. There’s definitely something hinky with your new beau. Whether this dude is trying to manipulate you and keep you under his thumb or if he’s just deeply insecure and reacts by being over the top ultimately doesn’t matter. What matters is that none of this behavior is reasonable or acceptable, and it makes me worried for what would come next.

What matters here isn’t any one thing in isolation so much as the combination of behaviors and what those say as part of the holistic relationship.

The high amount of praise and compliments is sus, but not necessarily bad; some people are very expressive and over the top. This can be annoying and can seem performative, but isn’t automatically a red flag. It’s more akin to being a potential mismatch. The intense focus on future plans – talking about marriage and kids when you’ve not even been together for six months – is worrisome. That, in isolation, is the sort of thing that suggests a lack of emotional intelligence under the best of circumstances. Those would be reason to tread cautiously, or to bail entirely.

But it’s the pushback you get when you suggest slowing things down, the flood of texts if you don’t respond immediately and the way he weaponizes his feelings at you that makes me think this dude is bad news. The way he tries to make you feel bad about not being on his level already and the way that he flips everything to how it makes him feel? That’s the part that sets off my Spidey-sense and says something’s not right here, and I’m getting all of this second hand.

Put those altogether and you have a GTFO/DTMFA situation. It isn’t necessarily time to run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken is after you, but it’s certainly time to say “we’re not right for each other, peace out, cub scout” and never take his calls or texts again.

Now here’s the important part: I will bet you twenty bucks cash money that the instant you say this, he will push back. He will demand that you “work through this”, that you “owe him” an explanation or even that you’re being unreasonable. Fun thing though: you don’t owe him s--t. You don’t owe an explanation or a justification; you want out, and that’s the only explanation, reason or excuse required. He doesn’t get to veto your break-up, nor does he get to judge your reasons for doing so.

If he does, then this is when you want to bust out the magic words “BECAUSE I SAID SO”. “No” is a complete sentence. Anything that comes after “I’m breaking up with you” that isn’t “here’s where you can get your stuff” means that what you said isn’t final. If he gets you to start justifying the ‘why’, then you aren’t breaking up with him, you’ve just entered the opening stages of a negotiation. And once you’re there, it’s very hard to pull back to a break up. It’s best to just say “We’re done, you’re dumped, have a nice day” and just repeat it until he gets tired of hearing it and goes away.

Now keep in mind, it’s highly possible that he will go full-court press on you. My bet is that, if he does, he will go with a dual pronged approach of even more affection, attention and gifts mixed with weapons-grade guilt to make you feel bad about turning him down. It’s even money as to whether this would be that you’re being unreasonable or how he’s so unlucky, nobody loves him, everybody hates him and now he’s going to go stand out in the rain until he gets sick and dies and won’t you feel sorry then?

If he does this, you don’t go just nuclear (blocking him on every way he could possibly reach you), you go full scorched-earth, making it clear to your friends and family that he gets no access to you, no information, nothing. It doesn’t matter how seemingly harmless or insignificant the ask is or the information might be. It doesn’t matter if it’s something he could easily see on your Instagram account (if he still had access to it). Absolutely nobody in your life is to give him any information or access to you, no ifs, ands or buts. No passed on messages, nothing.

Is this unreasonable? To some, maybe. But they’re not you and they’re not dealing with someone like him. So, no matter how unfair they may think you’re being, you get to lay boundaries where you please. You are free to be as “unreasonable” as you want, and if folks take it upon themselves to try to “help” by getting involved? Especially after you specifically said not to? They get cut off too.

But hopefully it won’t come to that, especially since your friends are pretty clearly on team “DUMP HIM”. So, worry less about what to call this; the label means less than what you do about it. And kicking this dude to the curb with the recycling and compost is precisely what needs to be done.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com