DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have problems making social connections of any kind, whether platonic, romantic, or sexual. This manifests itself in different ways, I’m rarely, if ever, able to initiate conversation, I rarely, if ever, share anything about myself, and I don’t ever reach out to people. This makes any relationship I have not very good, obviously, and mostly superficial. And as for the possibility of me dating like this, ha ha, good one.

This has made me feel really sad, and affects me in other areas. I feel incredibly lonely constantly. I’m feeling symptoms of depression and anxiety from this.

I really want to reach out and ask for help, or at least to lend an ear, from people I consider friends. I have a therapist and am currently looking to find a good therapy group, which is something I probably should keep doing, but I don’t think that should be my only source of help. For one, my therapist is only going to hear my side of what’s happening, I can only talk for one hour a week with him, and he can’t really give me much insight as to how I come across in those specific social situations since he isn’t at them. I wish to reach out for support, but there are plenty of concerns I have about this. For one, while the people I’d reach out are those I’d consider friends, I’m not sure how close they’d consider me.

Furthermore, since they’re at least somewhat involved, I’m not sure how they’d react. Like, I can think of a reaction like “What, you don’t think you’re included? I thought we were friends.”

So, should I even reach out for help? If so, how?

Without A Little Help From My Friends

DEAR WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS: Let’s flip this for a second, WALHFMF: how would you feel if someone you cared about – a friend, a family member, someone – was suffering and desperately wanted help and a connection… and they were afraid to say anything to you for fear of… well, anything?

Odds are good that you’d be split between “why didn’t you come to me with this sooner?” and “What did I do that made you think I wouldn’t want to help you?” You might even feel upset that someone you cared about felt like they couldn’t come to you for help and that they’d been suffering in silence all this time.

And why wouldn’t you feel that way? These are people who you have invited into your life, given them a place of prominence and connection and have bonded with. Being friends means being a source of support and caring when things get rough, not just someone who’s only around for the good times or when things are easy. Finding out that someone wanted to reach out but felt like they couldn’t would likely feel like a weird combination of empathy and feeling insulted.

You’re dealing with a classic Hedgehog’s Dilemma; the hedgehog wants to be closer to its family and friends to share heat when the winter’s cold, but worries that getting close means stabbing each other with their quills. You’re in a place where you’ve cut yourself off from connection and intimacy with others, almost assuredly as a form of self-protection against pain and rejection. But the problem is that you’re still hurting and desperately lonely. So that sort of self-protection just ends up being counterproductive; it not only doesn’t spare you from the pain, but it exposes you to different and even worse pain. Loneliness and isolation is a literal killer, and far more harmful than rejection.

So, yes, you absolutely should reach out to your friends. They want a connection with you. If they care about you, they want to hear when you’re troubled and they’re going to want to help.

I understand the worries you have. Part of what you’re worried about is the possibility of making things worse by reaching out – by dumping all your trauma on them, by over-sharing or by insulting them for not saying so earlier.

Hedgehogs ultimately solve this dilemma by finding the distance that’s a compromise between sharing warmth without being so close that they hurt one another. The way humans solve the hedgehog’s dilemma is through boundaries and understanding that not everyone has the same level of intimacy or access. Think of it like user permissions on a computer. Some folks only get access to certain apps. Some get access to all apps, but none of the system settings. Some people get access to some settings, but not all, and a select few – people who’ve earned it – get admin privileges.

Right now, the only person who gets access to any of the system settings is your therapist. As you’ve said: that’s pretty limiting, for a number of reasons. Your friends, on the other hand, only get access to certain apps. That needs to change; you can and should open up a bit more to them.

So what I would suggest here is that you start off with a small number of the people you feel that you can trust the most – the people whose actions say that they’re empathetic and supportive. Open up to them. Start by asking if you can be real with them for a second and that you’re dealing with this loneliness and anxiety and you could use some support. You don’t want to give them the same level of access your therapist currently has – you don’t need to dump your every problem and feeling on them – but you can definitely start by talking about what you’re feeling and what you need, at least in the near-term.

It can help to be specific in what you ask for – what kind of help would you like and what would it look like? Start with a relatively low level version of this – wanting to spend more time, wanting their honest opinion or help with your behavior in social situations, etc. Starting with a low-investment, low-stakes ask may be easier for you, since it won’t feel like you’re making a huge imposition on someone or putting too much stress on a relationship that isn’t built for that level of intimacy. It will, however, help you get into the habit of actually opening up to your friends and offering more than just a surface-level connection. Intimacy and connection require vulnerability and vulnerability can be scary. Taking steps to build that emotional muscle can help you get to a place where you feel like your friendship is strong enough to bear it and that you’re strong enough to ask for that help.

It’s also important to recognize that connecting and being closer with someone isn’t just going to be about being vulnerable about the bad s--t. Sometimes being close with people means also sharing the good things and the stuff you’re excited about. You want to share the celebrations as well as the dirges. Trust me: folks want to hear about the good news, the excitement and to join you in celebrating when good things happen.

At the same time, be sure to offer your help and support too, when it’s needed. Friendships are a two-way street, and ideally you want to keep the what you give/ what you get ratio roughly even. Yes, what you’re capable of offering may not be much at first, but even just saying “what can I do to help?” or “what can I do that would be helpful?” can a huge step, and one that’s significant to them.

I know all of this can be incredibly intimidating and this is the sort of situation that makes the anxiety weasels in your head bounce around like they’re on a meth binge with paint stripper on their nipples. But you’ve already taken equally difficult and important steps that are just as anxiety-provoking. You’ve demonstrated you’ve got the strength to do this. Grit your teeth and white-knuckle your way through that initial burst of anxiety; you’ll be much happier when you break through to the other side.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long-time reader of your column and have found your advice helpful and enlightening in the past. I’m writing to you today because I’m not sure if I actually have something to be worried about or if I’m just making trouble for myself.

I met my new partner, let’s call him ‘A’, about two months ago, and things have progressed very quickly between us. A LOT quicker than most of my relationships – not that I have had many for comparison, if I’m being honest. A is charming, attentive, and overwhelmingly affectionate, which initially was really exciting and felt great. He showers me with compliments, often expressing his deep love for me, and insists that we spend almost all of our free time together. In fact, just within the first few weeks of knowing each other, he began talking about our future together, including moving in, marriage, and even having children.

While part of me is thrilled to be in such an intense relationship, another part is starting to feel overwhelmed and, if I’m honest, a little anxious. His rapid declarations of love and his urgency to progress our relationship feels like too much, too soon. I have tried discussing these feelings with A, suggesting that we might need to slow things down a bit, but he seems to take this as a personal rejection, growing upset and asking if I don’t love him as much as he loves me.

I have also noticed that whenever we are not together, he floods me with text messages and calls, sometimes becoming upset or anxious if I don’t respond right away. He often needs constant reassurance of my feelings for him and gets jealous easily. A has even begun to express dissatisfaction when I spend time with friends or family without him.

My friends are incredibly suspicious. They’re telling me that this is ‘love-bombing’ and it feels like an accurate description of A’s behavior. But I’m also conflicted, because none of my previous exes showered with love and attention like this, and I’m already anxious enough about being taken advantage of. So I really don’t know if this is me making problems for myself or if I should be worried.

I would really appreciate your perspective on this, Doctor. Is this love-bombing? How can I handle this situation without hurting A or damaging our relationship? Should I be worried about this behavior escalating?

Can I Trust My Instincts?

DEAR CAN I TRUST MY INSTINCTS: So this is an interesting letter, CITMI, because it’s basically two different questions at once. There’s the obvious aspect of “is this dude’s behavior a warning sign”, which we’ll get to in a second.

But there’s also the underlying question: when do you trust your Spidey-sense and when is your Spidey-sense just anxiety f--king with you?

This part is important, precisely because red flags and unfamiliar situations can seem very similar. It’s very easy to talk yourself into bailing on a good thing because you’re unused to being treated a certain way, for example, especially if you have an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style. It’s a little like when people complain they keep getting involved with partners who treat them badly; sometimes it comes down to “this is what you’re used to” or “this is the relationship your parents modeled for you”, and the idea of someone actually being receptive and responsive to your needs or actually giving you time and attention can feel unusual or uncomfortable.

Other times, it could be that you’re used to having your needs be ignored or never have them met and so instead you try to pretend you don’t have them and instead focus on trying to please someone else – with the unspoken belief that if you just give enough, you might actually “earn” their love and attention.

As a general rule, I’m team “trust your instincts”, but that requires your instincts are actually trustworthy in the first place. If, for example, you have a history of falling for people who ultimately turn out to be bad for you or actively toxic, then your instincts in those situations may not actually be trustworthy.

This requires a certain amount of self-awareness and trying to be as objective as possible about your own choices, so this can be difficult. Having friends that you can trust to be honest with you and who generally have good judgement can be helpful here. But at the end of the day, it comes down to how fine-tuned your Spidey-sense is and how often it works for you, instead of against you.

Now with that having been said: oh f--k yes, this dude sounds like trouble with a capital RUN THE HELL AWAY. I think your Spidey-sense isn’t tingling so much as screaming at you that something’s not right here.

I’ll be blunt here: love-bombing is one of those terms, like “narcissist”, “gaslighting” and others that caught on with a lot of TikTokers, Tumblr kids and other social media communities and gets misused constantly. Love-bombing describes very specific forms of behavior, and the way it gets misused and misapplied makes me grind my teeth to powder. Excitement, overly-enthusiastic behavior or even “being a little more considerate than the norm” all get called out as “love-bombing” and manipulation when they demonstrably aren’t. Watering down terms that have distinct meanings – especially in mental health – is the sort of thing that ends up making it that much harder to recognize actual red flags.

Love-bombing is frequently done deliberately as a way of overwhelming someone’s best judgement. A lot of cults or communities will use love-bombing to create an early sense of both connection and dependency in their potential victims. So do abusers and predators, for that matter. Someone who’s deeply insecure, on the other hand, or who has poor emotional intelligence can perform actions that’re similar to love-bombing but are rarely consciously thought out; it’s more akin to having really piss-poor judgement and pushing for a connection that isn’t there because they’re afraid of losing someone and have no faith in their own value.

But here’s the important thing: in your case, this is very much a distinction without a difference. There’s definitely something hinky with your new beau. Whether this dude is trying to manipulate you and keep you under his thumb or if he’s just deeply insecure and reacts by being over the top ultimately doesn’t matter. What matters is that none of this behavior is reasonable or acceptable, and it makes me worried for what would come next.

What matters here isn’t any one thing in isolation so much as the combination of behaviors and what those say as part of the holistic relationship.

The high amount of praise and compliments is sus, but not necessarily bad; some people are very expressive and over the top. This can be annoying and can seem performative, but isn’t automatically a red flag. It’s more akin to being a potential mismatch. The intense focus on future plans – talking about marriage and kids when you’ve not even been together for six months – is worrisome. That, in isolation, is the sort of thing that suggests a lack of emotional intelligence under the best of circumstances. Those would be reason to tread cautiously, or to bail entirely.

But it’s the pushback you get when you suggest slowing things down, the flood of texts if you don’t respond immediately and the way he weaponizes his feelings at you that makes me think this dude is bad news. The way he tries to make you feel bad about not being on his level already and the way that he flips everything to how it makes him feel? That’s the part that sets off my Spidey-sense and says something’s not right here, and I’m getting all of this second hand.

Put those altogether and you have a GTFO/DTMFA situation. It isn’t necessarily time to run like all of Hell and half of Hoboken is after you, but it’s certainly time to say “we’re not right for each other, peace out, cub scout” and never take his calls or texts again.

Now here’s the important part: I will bet you twenty bucks cash money that the instant you say this, he will push back. He will demand that you “work through this”, that you “owe him” an explanation or even that you’re being unreasonable. Fun thing though: you don’t owe him s--t. You don’t owe an explanation or a justification; you want out, and that’s the only explanation, reason or excuse required. He doesn’t get to veto your break-up, nor does he get to judge your reasons for doing so.

If he does, then this is when you want to bust out the magic words “BECAUSE I SAID SO”. “No” is a complete sentence. Anything that comes after “I’m breaking up with you” that isn’t “here’s where you can get your stuff” means that what you said isn’t final. If he gets you to start justifying the ‘why’, then you aren’t breaking up with him, you’ve just entered the opening stages of a negotiation. And once you’re there, it’s very hard to pull back to a break up. It’s best to just say “We’re done, you’re dumped, have a nice day” and just repeat it until he gets tired of hearing it and goes away.

Now keep in mind, it’s highly possible that he will go full-court press on you. My bet is that, if he does, he will go with a dual pronged approach of even more affection, attention and gifts mixed with weapons-grade guilt to make you feel bad about turning him down. It’s even money as to whether this would be that you’re being unreasonable or how he’s so unlucky, nobody loves him, everybody hates him and now he’s going to go stand out in the rain until he gets sick and dies and won’t you feel sorry then?

If he does this, you don’t go just nuclear (blocking him on every way he could possibly reach you), you go full scorched-earth, making it clear to your friends and family that he gets no access to you, no information, nothing. It doesn’t matter how seemingly harmless or insignificant the ask is or the information might be. It doesn’t matter if it’s something he could easily see on your Instagram account (if he still had access to it). Absolutely nobody in your life is to give him any information or access to you, no ifs, ands or buts. No passed on messages, nothing.

Is this unreasonable? To some, maybe. But they’re not you and they’re not dealing with someone like him. So, no matter how unfair they may think you’re being, you get to lay boundaries where you please. You are free to be as “unreasonable” as you want, and if folks take it upon themselves to try to “help” by getting involved? Especially after you specifically said not to? They get cut off too.

But hopefully it won’t come to that, especially since your friends are pretty clearly on team “DUMP HIM”. So, worry less about what to call this; the label means less than what you do about it. And kicking this dude to the curb with the recycling and compost is precisely what needs to be done.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was The Last American Virgin from way back in 2022, back for revenge (and an update). Let me tell you about my year:

After seeing your (incredibly kind and helpful) letter I made a few changes. I worked on getting more social skills and friends, and disregarded dating stuff (which I feel was the right choice). I have decent people skills after some practice; I feel at this point it’s more of a shyness issue than a skill issue. I joined some clubs and got a bit more comfortable in group environments. I learned how to make friends, but most of these friendships didn’t last, in part because I have fearful/disorganized attachment style, which I didn’t know before. That caused me to run from otherwise good friendships mostly based off my constantly-fluctuating emotions, an issue that I’m working on now. I saw an actual doctor and he says I definitely have social anxiety, but not severe enough to be a disorder. Currently I don’t have professional treatment for it, just exposure stuff and techniques I’ve picked up. 

I do have a few follow-up questions, though. The end of the school year is approaching, and the school clubs that I was in have shut down for the year, so I’m not seeing my club acquaintances anymore. I feel intimidated at the idea of making new friends right now, mostly because of plain old anxiety and apathy because people aren’t going to be nearby anyway. I wanna figure out what I should do to try to build a social life outside of school, especially during the summer. I will be doing a few summer clubs, and I do have the numbers of a handful of friends, but that’s about it. I did consider just putting my time and energy into improving my skills in my hobbies, but I have a deep feeling of guilt when I think about doing any self-improvement that doesn’t help me socially. I kind of want to spend energy on social stuff and other stuff, but those emotions are canceling each other out and I’m ending up doing nothing. What do you think I should do? Do I even have a reason to be worried?

Working Things Out

DEAR WORKING THINGS OUT: Hey, thanks for writing back to let us know how things are going WTO! I’m glad to hear you’ve made so much progress; you should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished so far.

So let’s keep that ball rolling, shall we?

First of all, there’s good news: your attachment style can be changed. The trick is that it takes work and therapy; much of changing your attachment style is to work on the issues that triggered it in the first place, and that tends to require an actual therapist to dig into them. But they can be changed into a more positive and pro-social style that will benefit you overall, especially as you become more aware of both your behaviors and your triggers.

This will also help immensely with your feelings of intimidation about making new friends; when you don’t have to worry about fighting your own brain about the things you actually want, it all goes much easier.

Now, I fully realize that at your age and being in high-school, you may not have as much access to therapy or counseling as you would in college; most high-schools don’t have the same sort of resources for students that colleges and universities do. This means you may have to work on some of this on your own while you and your parents see about the possibilities of finding a counselor for you. However, there are options; you can find a surprising number of cognitive behavioral therapy exercises for self-directed treatment, including at sites like MoodGym. These can be helpful for dealing with anxieties and intrusive thoughts. While I wouldn’t say that these are substitutes for working with a trained mental health professional, they can definitely help and be a supplement or serve for triage until you can get access.

What about the conflicting desire to work on stuff you enjoy vs. doing the things that improve your social life? Well, how about looking at it this way: what you want is to be a more interesting, emotionally healthy and well-rounded person. Taking time to do things strictly for your own enjoyment is a part of that process. Engaging in your passions and interests is a big part of both being a more interesting person, but also rebuilding your social energy and stamina.

Think of it like training for sports. Yeah, scrimmage and matches are part of the game… but you also need time for recovery. If you do nothing but train with no time off, then you risk overtraining, exhausting your body and mind and increasing the likelihood of injury, as well as reducing the effectiveness of practice.

Taking the time to do things that you love, just because you love them and enjoy doing them, is an important part of self-improvement. After all, when you are being more social and hanging out with folks, you’ll want things to talk about and things to do, right? Working on those things you enjoy gives you more chances to do them with other people, too, later on.

So really it’s a matter of “why not both?” You can spend some time working on your social life and time doing things just for you. Balancing the two is an important part of that whole “work life balance” thing that you’ll hear adults complain about. But balancing them also means that sometimes one gets priority over the other. During the summer, you’ve got an opportunity to take the time to relax, do the things you like for their own sake and recoup and regain your emotional and social energy for the fall. Then when school rolls back around, you’ll be rested, relaxed, tanned and ready to give the old campus a wedgie again.

Don’t forget: you are a priority. Your holistic self, not just any one aspect of it. Focusing entirely on one area – whether it’s trying to get swole, make friends or any other form of self-improvement – is futile if you neglect the rest of yourself in the process. Neglecting those other sides of yourself, including the ones where you just devote some time to pointless enjoyment with no particular goal, means that the work you’re doing in other areas becomes less effective. What does it benefit you to develop your social skills if doing so burns you out in the process or you have nothing to do with the people you’re being more social with? Cultivating your inner life is as important as your outer.

So my advice? Take some time and indulge your hobbies freely and without guilt. Doing so for a bit will be what makes it possible to do the things that improve your social life… and you’ll have a much better time of it in the process.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com